[ "Ain't too Proud to Beg"
by the Temptations plays ]
I know you wanna leave me,
but I refuse to let you go ♪
If I have to beg and plead
for your sympathy ♪
I don't mind, 'cause you mean
that much to me ♪
Ain't too proud to beg,
sweet darlin' ♪
Please don't leave me girl,
don't you go ♪
Now I heard a cryin' man
is half a man ♪
With no sense of pride... ♪
[ crickets chirping ]
[ elevated train passing
in distance ]
Ain't to proud to beg,
sweet darlin' ♪
MAN:
Show me that little dance
y'all be doing.
Now, I done told y'all
to stop running in here.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm going to smack one
of you now, you hear?
Them pants cost $3.98,
baby, you hear?
See that chocolate cake
I bought?
You mean, the chocolate cake
that was on the counter?
Yeah. Where is it?
Well, check Cousin Cecil's
pockets.
He probably got it in there
with the turkey leg
and the sweet potato pie.
No.
Uh-huh.
[ both laugh ]
Hey,
little brother.
Show me that little dance
y'all be doing.
Oooh-wheee!
Get down, Lester,
you is talking!
You move
like you're 21.
That dance ain't new.
It ain't nothing
but the old shuffle-butt.
Well,
show me that move.
Oh, Lester,
sit your drunk ass down.
Can't you see the kids are
trying to put a show on there?
Lester,
she ain't your mama.
Yeah. Yeah.
Junior!
Vanessa.
Come on, Vanessa.
Come on, baby.
Sing a song for Grandma.
That's my granddaughter.
That's my niece.
Ooh-why, ooh-why,
ooh-why ♪
Why do fools fall in love? ♪
Why do birds sing so gay? ♪
And lovers await
the break of day ♪
Why do they fall in love? ♪
Why does the rain
fall from up above? ♪
Why do fools fall in love? ♪
Why do they fall in love? ♪
[ indistinct cheering,
applause ]
Come on over here.
Mama, I got a joke.
Shh. Little Eddie got a joke
to tell. Go on, Eddie.
MAN: Eddie. Eddie.
I got a joke to tell.
Once there was a lion
and a monkey.
And the monkey said,
"I can make the weather change."
The lion said,
"No, you can't."
So the monkey started
climbing up the tree.
And then he started peeing
on the lion's head.
"Now it's raining!"
Then he started farting.
[ blows raspberry ]
"Now there's thunder!"
Then he started doo-dooing.
[ makes straining noise ]
"Now it's snowing!"
So the lion said,
"Oh, yeah?
Well, I can make
the stars come out."
And then he kicked him
in the ding-ding.
Thank you.
I love that doo-doo line.
That boy's got talent.
[ elevated train rumbling ]
[ wild applause and cheers ]
[ upbeat dance theme playing ]
Raw ♪
Raw ♪
My favorite movie
is Trading Places.
48 Hrs. Has to be.
ALL:
Trading Places.
Beverly Hills Cop.
Delirious.
All of them.
Beverly Hills Cop.
No, 48 Hrs.
All of them.
Beverly Hills Cop.
All of them.
48 Hrs.
I even liked Best Defense.
Raw ♪
[ woman squealing ]
Raw ♪
Raw ♪
I'm looking forward to seeing
him in that leather suit.
I'm telling you,
that behind and all.
Yeah,
he's looking sexy.
He looks good.
Handsome.
Raw ♪
Raw ♪
Raw, raw, raw, raw,
raw, raw ♪
[ upbeat dance theme fades ]
[ cheering ]
Thank you.
Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit.
Cool out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
And hello, New York City!
Thank you for coming out
to the show.
Don't let the lights and cameras
throw y'all.
We filming a movie here tonight
and y'all going to be
in this shit.
Except only I'm getting paid
for the m*therf*cker.
Every now and then I take a joke
too far, I get in trouble.
That's why I haven't been on
the road the last three years.
'Cause I did a lot--
Did y'all see Delirious?
[ cheers ]
In Delirious, I was making fun
out of a lot
of entertainers too.
That's when I got scared.
'Cause I did some jokes
about Mr. T.
And Mr. T was going
to f*ck Ed up. He was--
And I was scared,
'cause y'all seen Mr. T.
He don't look like, you know,
like he can't fight.
He looks like he can
whip some ass, right?
And I was petrified.
I would walk at parties
and people say,
"Yo, man, Mr. T was just here
looking for you."
He was walking up
to people saying,
{\an5}[ imitates Mr. T ]:
"I'm going to whip Eddie
Murphy's ass when I see him."
Then I watched his show,
'cause I didn't know him,
I watched the show to see
what kind of guy he was,
and the character on the show
ain't too bright.
So I figured
if he came up to me,
I could use
the Jedi mind trick on him.
Mr. T walk up and go, "I heard
you did some jokes about me."
"No, you didn't."
"Maybe I didn't."
"I'm going to go beat up the
fool that told me them lies."
I was scared. I'd be at parties,
hear he was looking for me,
I would just leave.
I don't wanna fight Mr. T.
Then I found out Michael Jackson
was looking for me.
And I was like...
Yo, when Mike-- My manager
called me up and said,
"Yo, man, Michael Jackson
is mad." I was like, "So?"
You know, 'cause I'd f*ck
Mike up. You know, Mike--
Mike don't weigh but
a buck-oh-five, you know.
I bust that ass on Mike.
I was looking for him,
but my manager said,
"We don't know everything
about Michael Jackson.
"He might be this
bad m*therf*cker
"behind closed doors.
"He's a recluse. You know,
behind closed doors,
"he might
be completely different."
And I'd be at a party and have
Michael walk up to me one day
and it'd be like this.
[ high-pitched voice ]:
"Can I talk to you for a minute?
"Yeah, what's your m*therf*cking
problem, man?
"Well, how come you keep
f*cking with me then, huh?
"What's all
the m*therf*cking jokes?
"You don't like my clothes?
"What's your m*therf*cking
problem?
"I'm
Michael-m*therf*cking-Jackson,
"I will bust your ass.
"Get the f*ck out,
m*therf*cker...
"I will moonwalk all up and down
your ass, m*therf*cker.
"You mind your
m*therf*cking business.
"I hear some more shit,
"I'm going to put this glove
up your ass.
I'll see you later."
That's a dumb--
I could never--
I've been trying for five months
to do the moonwalk
and I can't do the shit.
It's shitty.
It's the dumbest dance ever,
'cause I can't do it,
that's why I say it's stupid.
But how can you do the moonwalk
and ask a woman to dance?
Be at a party, say, "Hey, baby,
come on, let's dance.
See you later."
Do the moonwalk.
That's some stupid shit.
Michael can do that shit,
though.
Michael's so famous,
Michael went on television
and everything he says,
the public believes.
Went on television and said,
"I don't have sex because
of my religious beliefs."
And the public believed it.
I know brothers were like,
"Get the f*ck out of here."
And white people was going,
[ uptight voice ]: "That
Michael's a special kind of guy.
"He's special. I mean,
he's good, clean and wholesome."
You know how I knew y'all
believed it?
Y'all didn't get mad
when he took Brooke Shields
to the Grammys.
Nobody white said shit.
And Brooke Shields
is the whitest woman in America.
That's Miss America every year
is Brooke.
f*ck who you see with the crown.
You look up "white woman"
in the dictionary,
be a picture of Brooke
like this...
She's white.
And this n*gga took her
to the Grammys,
nobody said shit.
If I took Brooke Shields
to the Grammys,
y'all would lose your mind.
'Cause y'all know Brooke
would get f*cked that night.
And Brooke knew too.
That's why we going this year.
No...
Stop. Now, see?
I did jokes about--
I did a lot of jokes about
h*m* a couple years ago
and faggots were mad.
They were like--
And they were--
There's nothing like having a
nation of fags looking for you.
I'd be at parties--
There's always two or three
h*m* at a party.
They'd be standing around
looking at you,
they'd be looking at...
[ fey voice ]:
"He's an assh*le."
I can't travel the country
freely no more.
I can't go to San Francisco.
They got 24-hour h*m* watch
waiting for me in the airport.
Soon as I got off the plane,
they'd be like,
[ lisping ]:
"He's here, yes. Yes, it's him.
Yes, it's him!"
And the cars would come rushing
across town. It'd be:
[ makes siren noise ]
And it won't be no siren,
it'll be a real f*g sitting
on the roof going,
"Whoo-whoo-whoo.
"Whooooooooooow.
"Pull over. Pull over.
"Pull over. I'm going to
read him his rights.
"You have the right
to remain silent.
"Anything you say can and will
be held against you
"in the court of law.
"You have the right
to an attorney.
"Now turn around.
I'm going to frisk you.
"Are you carrying any
concealed weapons?
"Are you carrying--?
What is this? What is this?
"Lay down on the floor
and spread them.
Whoo!"
Do you watch
the Bill Cosby Show?
CROWD: Yeah!
I do too.
I love Bill Cosby's show.
I been a big fan of Bill Cosby
all my life.
Never met the man before,
but he called me up
about a year ago
and chastised me on the phone
for being too dirty on-stage.
It was real weird,
'cause I had never met him
and he just thought it was--
He should call me up,
'cause he was Bill,
and tell me that he did--
About what comedy is all about.
And I sat and listened
to this man chastise me.
And when Bill Cosby chastises
you, you forget you grown.
You feel like one of
the Cosby kids and shit.
And I ran in the house
all excited to talk to Bill
and picked up the telephone
and Bill got raw on me.
I was like, "Hello, Mr. Cosby?"
And you hear...
[ imitates Bill Cosby ]:
"I would like to talk to you...
"about some of the things
"that you do in your show.
Now, I'm going
to tell you a story."
He always tells you stories.
"I would like to tell you
a story.
"I have five children.
"One, two, three, four, five.
Five-- Five children.
"I live in Massachusetts
with my wife, Camille,
"and my five children.
"Now... of the five children
that we have,
"there are four girls and a boy.
"The boy's name is Ennis.
He loves everything you do.
"Comes home from school
the other day
"with a big smile on his face.
And my son looks just like me.
"He walks through the door,
"looking at me
with this big smile,
"and I cannot resist,
"because it's such
a beautiful smile.
"And he walks up and I say,
'What are you smiling about?'
"And the child says to me,
'I'm smiling because
I need money
'to go see the Eddie Murphy
show.
Please give me money
for a ticket.'
"Now, if the child
is smiling this way
"because he needs money
for a ticket,
"I have to give him money
for a ticket.
"I do not handle the money
in the house.
"My wife, Camille,
handles the ticket money.
"So I must go into the kitchen,
"to where my wife is cooking
dinner for the family.
"And she is inside
the kitchen cooking.
"And she's got a bowl.
"And she's cooking up the food,
man. She's cooking it up.
"And the child walks in the room
with the smile
"and he says,
'Mother, please, money.'
"She gives him the money,
he runs off to see your show.
"Now, we sit in the living room
"waiting for Ennis to return.
"At about 5:00 in the morning,
"the child comes through
the door.
"He has a different look
on his face.
"A look like he heard
something at your show
"that he's never heard before.
"And I say to my child,
I say, 'Child...'
"I say, 'What did the man
say on the stage?'
"And he says,
'Pop, the man comes out
and says these things.'
"I say, 'Well, what did he say''
"He says 'Pop, he comes out
and says some stuff.'
"I say, 'What did he do?'
'Pop, he walks out and he goes,
"Hello, suck this, and MF
and kiss my big black stuff.
"And suck it and stick it down
in your mouth
and suck it, suck it.'"
"You cannot say filth,
flarn, filth, flarn,
filth in front of people."
And I say, "I never said
no 'filth, flarn, filth'."
He says "You know what
I'm talking about.
"I can't use the type
of language that you use,
"but you know what I mean
when I say 'filth, flarn,
flarn, flarn, filth'."
I say, "I never said
no 'filth, flarn, filth'.
"I don't know
what you're talking about.
I'm offended that you called.
f*ck you."
That's when Bill got pissed
and said,
"That's what I'm talking about.
"You cannot say 'f*ck'...
...in front of people."
And I got mad.
'Cause he thought
that was my whole act.
Like I just walked out on-stage
and cursed and left.
I manage to stick in some
jokes between the curses.
You couldn't give no curse show.
Walk out, say, "Hey, Felt Forum,
"m*therf*cker, d*ck, p*ssy,
snot and shit. Good night.
Good night. Suck my d*ck.
Bye-bye."
I was pissed off.
I was so mad I called
Richard Pryor's house up.
I said, "Yo, Richard,
Bill Cosby just called me up
and told me I was too dirty."
Richard said,
{\an5}[ imitates Richard Pryor ]:
"The next time
m*therf*cker call,
"tell him I said,
'Suck my d*ck.'
"'Cause I don't give a f*ck.
Whatever the f*ck make the
people laugh, say that shit."
He said, "Do the people laugh
when you say what you say?"
I said, "Yes."
"Do you get paid?"
I said, "Yes."
He said,
"Well, tell Bill I said,
'Have a Coke and a smile
and shut the f*ck up.'
The Jell-O pudding-eating
m*therf*cker."
Richard-- Richard is the rawest
m*therf*cker in show business.
Richard's the one that made me
wanna do comedy.
When I was little,
I wanted to be Richard Pryor
so bad I used to--
Remember, you'd sneak in
the basement, put his albums on,
and just listen, and your
mother ain't supposed to hear,
and you're listening to this
shit and I turned it--
I wanted to be Richard so bad,
I used to go out on-stage
when I was 15
and talk and act and walk and do
everything like Richard Pryor.
My mother would sit there
and watch
her 15-year-old son on-stage
saying some outlandish shit.
My whole act back then
was about taking a shit,
because that's all
I had done at 15.
That was my life experience,
but it sounded
like Richard Pryor jokes.
I'd be going, "You ever,
like, sometime, right,
"you get on that toilet
"and when you shit, that water
splash up on your ass?
"Don't that make you mad, right?
"You know what really
make me mad?
"It's when shit come
halfway out your ass,
"then go back up
in that m*therf*cker.
"Right? Why do shit
be teasing your ass, right?
"Just get the f*ck out, right?
"You know what really bother me
"is when you be straining
for a long time, right?
"And one little pebble shit
come out.
"Right? Be some shit this big,
right?
"Wanna push your head
up your assh*le, say,
'That's all the shit
I'm going to get, m*therf*cker''
"You know what really
make me mad,
"when your ass
don't cooperate with you
"and clench up
and break the shit in half.
"You be mad
as a m*therf*cker too,
"'cause you know
you got to wipe your ass
"for, like, five hours
and shit, right?
"Use 12 rolls of toilet paper
on that m*therf*cker.
"You know what really
make me mad,
"though, is afterwards, right?
Is after you shit
"you done all the sh1tting
you going to do
"for the whole day, right?
"You finish sh1tting
and you flush the toilet
"and wait a second
and one chunk come back.
What does that chunk want?"
That was my act.
My mother sit there shocked.
If you don't speak English,
you can't hear that bit.
All you hear
is "shit, ass, shit, shit."
See, I got a lot of foreigners
that come over.
I got a lot of people from other
countries have seen my films
and come over to the U.S.,
'cause New York
is a tourist place,
and they get HBO
and they catch Delirious
and they can't speak English and
try to do my act on the street
and all they got is the curses.
I got foreigners from all over
the world walking up, going,
[ foreign accent ]:
"Eddie Murphy! f*ck you!
"f*ck you, Eddie.
"I know you.
"I see you on television.
"You're the 'f*ck you' man,
right?
"I love it. Suck my d*ck, huh?
"Suck it,
you black m*therf*cker.
"I love it.
The best m*therf*cker.
The 'f*ck you' man."
Made me stay in the house, man.
Almost got married last year.
[ crowd murmuring ]
Don't you "ooh" and "aah."
Got to get married in the '80s.
Now, I read the papers.
I said, "f*ck this,
I'm getting out."
Hey, you know, read.
You can catch some shit.
You can't just keep messing
around like you used to.
Eventually,
your d*ck will fall off.
Remember--? Remember, like,
VD in the '60s?
That shit don't just sting
no more.
Every time they cure something,
it come back stronger.
VD is new and improved now.
They got dudes
in the doctor's office
with symptoms like,
"Excuse me, doc, um...
"what does it mean when you
go to the bathroom and, um...
fire sh**t out your d*ck?"
"Let me get this right.
"So you're getting
a burning sensation
when you urinate?"
"No, fire sh**t out my d*ck,
is all.
"A burst of flame
fly out my d*ck when I pee.
"I can't even pee in the house,
I burn my house down.
"I gotta go outside to pee.
"I was outside peeing,
dude tried to mug me,
"I turned around and burned him
up on the street.
"That's what I'm trying to say.
'Cause my d*ck is a blowtorch,
is what I'm trying to say."
Got to be careful. They say
having casual sex nowadays
is like playing
Russian roulette.
And I know I've thrown my d*ck
on the crap table many a night.
Looking for Miss Right, you be
gambling every time you do it.
You gambling with your d*ck,
saying,
"Come on, need a woman with
a mind. I need a perfect person.
"Come on, now.
I need somebody perfect for me.
"Give it to me, now!
"Oh, shit.
Fat, bucktoothed bitch.
"No, give my d*ck back. No.
"I'm going to keep rolling.
I got one more roll in me.
"I want the perfect woman, now.
I want somebody with a mind,
"intelligence, a nice ass
and a body. Give it to me, now!
"Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch.
No, give my d*ck back.
"Give my d*ck back.
Now, listen, be quiet.
"I'm going to keep rolling.
This is my last roll.
"This is the last one.
This is the one for me.
"Miss Right. Hey, blow on this
for luck please.
"This is my last roll.
Come on. Here we go.
"Give it to me, now!
Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out.
My d*ck is f*cked up.
My d*ck is ruined."
So be careful. Get married.
I went out and found
the perfect woman.
Nineteen years old.
Beautiful face. A virgin.
Nobody ever f*cked her.
And had an ass like this...
Pow!
And her legs are like, blam!
Her titties are like, pow!
She was so fine. She's one
of the people that's so fine,
when you see them,
they make you ugly.
You be like, "g*dd*mn,
who is that m*therf*cker?"
She was fine.
I went, I cut all my girls off.
I said, "That's it,
I'm getting married.
This is it.
Going to be me and her."
I was so happy. And I went out
and I went shopping.
And I was waiting on the line
and I saw the Enquirer magazine
while I was waiting on the line
and I saw Johnny Carson
on the front page.
There was a picture of him
like this...
Then I said,
"What's up with Johnny?"
I turned to the inside story
and his wife was on the other
page and she was like this...
And over her head it said,
"Johnny's wife wants half
Johnny's money."
I turned that shit back
to Johnny.
Then I started thinking
about it. Half.
If you--
If you have five dollars
and have to give somebody
$2.50, you'd be upset.
Johnny had to have
at least 300 million.
And have to give up
$150 million?
And they wasn't even married
but ten years.
And $150 million? Get--
Give me a f*cking break.
What--? What--?
And ladies-- Now, here's a woman
right here saying, "Right on."
Baby, that's not fair.
Not no 150 million.
I see a lot of you ladies going,
"Get all the money
you can, shit.
"I'm glad she did
get all that money.
"She earned it. She earned it.
That-- You damn right.
She was married to him,
she deserved that money."
Get the f*ck out of my face
with that bullshit.
No. Stop it.
[ applause ]
No, don't get me wrong.
If you marry somebody and
neither one of you have anything
and you build 300 million
together, you deserve half.
But Johnny was 300 million in
when they met.
And I'm quite sure she knew.
Johnny says, "Hey, I'm Johnny."
She was like, "I know who
you are, m*therf*cker."
And they got married, broke up,
shit didn't work out.
And then he had to give her
$150 million of his money.
And don't get me wrong ladies.
I know a lot of housewives
sitting out there going,
"You can't put a price
on what I do."
But, ladies, if you marry a man
with $300 million,
you ain't no regular housewife.
You ain't got to clean
the house no more.
You get a maid.
You ain't cleaning shit!
You marry a man
with $300 million,
you ain't cooking no more.
You're eating out.
You marry a man
with $300 million.
You know how a lot of housewives
gotta get jobs on the side
to help make ends meet?
He got 300 million, the ends
are meeting like a m*therf*cker.
What you going to do,
get a job at a boutique
on the weekends and shit?
And say, "Here, Johnny. I made
$70, put that with the rest.
"Now we have $300 million
and $70.
Because I want to do my share."
No.
All you have to do, you marry
a man with $300 million,
is f*ck your husband.
That's it! That's your job.
f*ck your husband! That's it.
That's--
Just f*ck your husband.
You fill out a W-2,
they say, "What you do?"
You say, "I f*ck my husband."
That's it.
And I've had my share of p*ssy.
I have yet--
Even if the p*ssy was great
and sparks shot out
the woman's ass
and cannons blared
and the mountains crumbled
and the seas roared,
no p*ssy is worth $150 million!
No p*ssy.
I'd like to meet some p*ssy
like that.
Put the shit on layaway.
That shit scared the shit out
of me. Half? I was petrified.
Man, you know what's real scary
is that American women
in the '80s
have become very
business-conscious.
Y'all the most resourceful
and the most business-smart
women on the planet.
Now, in the '80s.
And it would be an asset to us,
as American men,
if you weren't so vindictive.
'Cause the two don't match.
Then, what's really f*cked up,
is y'all the most loving people.
American women
are all off into this romance
and want to be romantic and they
genuinely fall in love with you.
Now, love and money do not mix.
The shit don't mix.
Especially if you got
a business-smart woman--
You go up and say, "I never met
anybody like you before."
"I never met anyone like you."
"Why don't we be together."
"Will you marry me?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
"Before we get married,
why don't you sign
this prenuptial agreement."
"What do you mean,
sign a prenuptial agreement?"
"That's a contract that
stipulates if we ever break up,
you take what you had
and I take what I had."
"First of all, I don't give
a f*ck who you are
"and what you have, okay?
"You got a lot
of m*therf*cking nerve
by asking me to sign a contract.
"There's nothing a man
can do for me
"that I can't do for myself.
"You got a whole lot of...
I love you.
"Telling me to sign a contract
to show that I love you?
"If I need something,
I can go to my family.
My family takes care of me."
And men hear all that shit
and we be like this, "Okay.
We don't need no contract."
And you don't get a contract
and get married without one,
and the shit don't work out
and you break up a year later.
She's sitting around
in the kitchen by herself, mad,
trying to figure out a way
to get even with your ass.
"I can't believe that
m*therf*cker did this to me!
"After all the shit I did--
"All the things I did for that
m*therf*cker, he do this to me?
"Him and his fat bitch
can kiss my ass!
"I don't give a shit about
either one of them.
"I don't want shit from him
or her and I don't care.
"You know something? You know
what I should--? You know--?
"Half!
I'll take half his shit!"
And they'll get it.
They'll get half your money,
your house, your car, alimony,
child support and your children.
You will be on the cover
of the Enquirer like this...
So be careful!
I started having nightmares.
I was waking up in the middle
of the night like this...
"Half!"
'Cause I'm into American women.
I like American women.
I got a friend
got a Japanese girlfriend.
And Japanese women
are the most docile women
on the planet.
They're real--
They're real timid,
timid, timid, timid women.
I walked in the house
and his friend, Japanese girl,
bowed to me when I walked in.
I said, "What's wrong
with your wife's back and shit?"
He said, "That's a Japanese
thing. They always bow."
And I was like, "Oh, shit. Miss,
did you decorate the house?"
She looked at her husband,
he did like this...
"You may speak."
And she spoke.
And I was like, "Now, that's
p*ssy control for you, there."
You know, 'cause I'm used
to American women saying,
"You don't own me."
"Hey, baby, where you going?"
[ clucks tongue ]
"Excuse me?"
"I said, where you going?"
"You don't own me."
"You my woman, ain't you?"
"I don't see no rings
on these fingers.
Are you going to put a ring
on this finger?"
"Well, I..."
"Then you don't own me then,
okay?
"I don't give a f*ck who you
are or what you have, okay?
"You got a whole lot of nerve,
come and ask me where I'm going.
"I don't answer to my father, I
ain't going to answer to no man.
"Ain't no man going
to tell me where I can go.
"Who do you think you are?
"To come and ask me where
I'm going? Nobody owns me.
I own myself.
I am my own person."
And we hear all that shit,
then be, "Okay.
Well, where you going to be?"
"I'm going to be where I'm at!
You don't own me!"
Well, you don't.
You don't own your woman.
"You going to put a ring
on my finger?"
That shuts you right up.
You say, "Okay."
'Cause you don't.
I know you spend a lot
of your money on your woman.
And I know you go to the movies
and you go to get the ice cream
and the candy and the flowers
and the anklets
and the bracelets
and help her get some clothes.
You spending
all your money on shit
you ain't never spent it on.
But you don't own her.
'Cause theoretically,
that p*ssy's on lease.
You're leasing the p*ssy.
With an option to buy.
But be careful, 'cause
you lose half on the trade-in.
You got to be careful.
You gotta have a J-O-B
in the '80s.
You gotta have some money,
you can't get no p*ssy.
Listen to the radio.
That's what it's about.
Listen to Madonna.
"I'm a material girl
in a material world,
you ain't got no money,
you can't have no p*ssy."
Basically what it is.
There's a song out now called
"Got to Have a J-O-B
If You Wanna Be With Me."
And the lyrics go,
"Ain't nothing going on
but the rent."
Like if you went up and said,
"Hey, baby, what's going on?"
"The rent, m*therf*cker."
"Do you have a job?"
"Well, I..."
"Then get the f*ck out my face."
Got to have some money.
It says,
"No romance without finance."
And women love them songs.
They be going,
Got to have a J-O-B
if you wanna be with me ♪
Janet Jackson
got a hit record...
"What Have You Done
For Me Lately."
That's what they
be thinking, is,
"What have you done
for me lately?"
The record start off like that.
"I know he used
to do shit for you,
but what has he done
for you lately?"
"Baby, I love you."
"What have you done
for me lately?"
"You the only thing on my mind."
"What have you done
for me lately?"
"We make good love."
"What have you done
for me lately?!"
Got to have some money
to get some p*ssy in the '80s.
It's f*cked up, that's why
I say, hey, I'm a target.
If I ever get married, I have
to go off to the woods of Africa
and find me some crazy,
naked, zebra bitch...
that knows nothing about money.
She got to be butt naked
on a zebra
with a big bone in her nose
and a big plate lip
and a big, f*cked-up Afro!
Her Afro-- Afro gotta--
Like, Angela Davis
see it and go,
"g*dd*mn, that's some
f*cked-up shit."
Afro gotta be f*cked up
and one of them picks
with a fist in the back.
And she gotta be butt naked,
'cause if she got some clothes,
she going to have to put
something in the pockets.
She's gotta be butt naked
on the zebra.
And y'all think it's a joke.
I'm going to walk up and say,
"Hey, how you doing?
My name's--"
And she go...
[ speaks gibberish ]
I say, "Miss Murphy.
Miss Murphy."
And I'm going to bring her home.
Y'all going to go past
a newsstand one day
and see me on the cover of JET
with some woman
with a big bone and a plate
and a big, f*cked-up Afro,
butt naked,
and y'all going to say,
"Eddie must be visiting Africa."
It'll say, "Murphy Marries Bush
Bitch." I'm going to be like...
What?
What?
'Cause I ain't getting caught.
I refuse to get caught
out there. f*ck that.
And I'm going to bring her home
and lock her up in the house.
You go off to Africa
and get you a bush woman,
you can't let her mingle
with American women.
'Cause they'll change
her shit up.
American women stick together.
Last thing they wanna see
is you got some trained
bush bitch in your house.
They will catch her by herself
in the kitchen
and throw a monkey wrench
in your whole program.
Soon as they get her alone,
they be like,
"I can't stand the way you be
"doing everything he tell you
to do. You a human being.
"This house is too big
for one person to clean.
"Why don't you leave?
"You always crying. Just leave
him. You know something?
"Do you know you could take half
his money? Did you know that?
"He didn't tell you
you were entitled to half?
"He only told you
half the story then, girl.
"You can take half the money,
"the car, the house,
the children, all the money.
"You can buy all the zebras
and bones you want.
"Go back home in style, girl.
And get your hair done right.
"Cut that Afro off,
go back home in style.
"Who the hell he think he is?
"Let me tell you something else
about Eddie Murphy.
"That m*therf*cker
ain't nothing but--
"Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing?
"Oh, I didn't know you was here.
You scared me.
"No, I can't stay.
I was just talking to Uhmfufu
"about a couple of things.
"No, no, no, I got to go.
I got to--
"You two--
Y'all two lovebirds talk.
"Eddie, talk to your--
Talk to Uhmfufu.
"Y'all got a lot to talk about.
Go on, Eddie.
Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu..."
[ mouths ]
And leave me in the kitchen
with some bush bitch
with an attitude.
[ African accent ]: "Eddie!
"Eddie!
"I want to talk to you!"
"What's your problem, baby?"
"I don't like the way
you treat me, Eddie.
You treat me like animal."
"You was butt naked
on a zebra last month."
"I don't care, Eddie.
I am American woman now.
"I want what's coming to me.
Eddie, what have you
done for me lately?"
"I want you to be happy.
Well, what you want?"
"Half!
"Give me half, Eddie.
Give me half, Mr. f*ck-you Man.
"Suck my d*ck, Eddie.
You m*therf*cker."
Then I'd be on the front page
of the African Enquirer
like this...
So be careful.
Don't get caught in a trap.
Any woman can get
any man she wants
if she puts her mind and p*ssy
to it. They can have you.
They have figured us out.
We're very easy creatures
to figure out.
And women know
all they have to do
is cater to our egos enough
and they can have you.
Guys, how many times
have you f*cked
some ugly bitch that just
kept hanging around
and you had to f*ck her?
And then afterwards
you be like this,
"I can't believe
I f*cked this bitch."
They just cater to your ego.
Sometimes you'll see
a real ugly bitch
with a handsome dude.
You say, "How that happen?"
Dude's going,
"Yeah, how that happen?"
'Cause she catered to his ego.
They can figure us out.
Guys, don't get trapped.
We'll call them "p*ssy traps."
Let's call them p*ssy traps.
It's a trap.
They trap you with the p*ssy.
They catch you with the p*ssy,
see. And it's a trap.
The most common trap
is to not give you any, though.
Don't think, "Maybe you're
going to put a trap on."
The most common is when
you ain't getting any at all,
that's the trap.
When you meet a woman
and everything is perfect
and she won't do anything,
it's a trap.
Sometimes it backfires,
'cause a lot of women
play these games with sex.
And ladies like sex just as much
as we do, guys,
but they act like they don't.
But they do.
There's not a woman...
There's not a woman in this room
right now that wouldn't rather
be somewhere else
with a nice stiff one in them.
Don't you let them fool you.
They like it just as much as us.
See, ladies sitting there going,
"That's true.
"He's funny,
but he's not that funny.
I'll take a d*ck over a smile
any day. Yes, I will."
They like it just as much as us,
but they play these games.
Know where it backfires
on you, ladies?
When you go meet a guy,
he wants you, you want him,
you like each other,
everything is perfect,
but you won't do anything.
He say, "Baby, let's go."
You say,
"No, I'm not going to do it."
And after that,
he don't like you no more.
But he still wants to f*ck you.
So he waits.
He be like, "Okay, I'll wait.
Goodnight."
And you wait.
You wait three months.
Then you finally get it and
she's like this, "I'm yours."
And you go, "f*ck you, bitch!
f*ck you and your p*ssy.
Get the f*ck out of my face."
Be careful. Don't get trapped.
I told you the most common trap
is to not give you any.
Let me hear the men clap
that are with women
that you've never
slept with before.
Let me hear you clap,
truthfully.
Look at the ladies going,
"Stop clapping."
Shame on you. You should've
f*cked them. Clap. Clap louder.
Shame on you.
Y'all should've f*cked them.
These men like you
and you just won't do it,
'cause you're trying to trap...
Guys, don't be hurt.
She likes you.
This is what is going on inside
your house every night.
"Baby, come on, now, please."
She go, "No, stop it.
Stop it. Stop."
"Baby, come on, please.
Would you stop--?
"Oh, stop. Can we please stop?
Are we going to go too far?"
"I want it to go too far.
Come on now, baby."
"We could-- Stop. I just don't
think the time is right."
"Well, my d*ck don't get
much harder than this.
I been waiting for three months.
What's the problem?"
"I don't wanna f*ck.
I wanna make love.
"I've had too many relationships
that didn't work out.
"And you're very special to me.
"I know all the girls do
everything that you want.
And I don't wanna go through...
[ babbling indistinctly ]
Why are you doing this?"
And men see those tears
and we be, "Okay.
We don't have to do nothing."
Then you go out
and your friends be,
"Yo, man, you f*ck her yet?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's special.
She said she don't wanna f*ck,
she wanna make love."
Which is bullshit.
I mean, f*cking and making love,
let's be real.
I mean, the physical act...
I like to f*ck somebody
I'm in love with.
But I ain't making love
to nobody. I get into bed--
I get into bed...
[ chuckles ]
I get into bed...
When you get into bed, would you
rather have somebody say,
"Oh, make love to me"
or grab the back of your head
and say,
"f*ck the shit
out of me.
You m*therf*cker"?
"Just f*ck, mother--
f*ck me, g*dd*mn it."
You want somebody
in the bed with you,
{\an5}[ uptight voice ]:
"Oh, darling, I want to make
love to you."
That type of shit.
Ah...
[ forceful voice ]
"You a m*therf*cker..."
[ mumbling indistinctly ]
I'm a realist.
But they'll tell you,
"I don't wanna f*ck,
I wanna make love."
And they make you wait.
And you wait and wait
and wait and wait.
And you just keep on waiting,
you just wait and finally
she gives you some.
And it's the best
you ever had in your life.
You come harder
than you've ever came.
"This was it. This was the
feeling I've been searching for.
I finally made love."
You didn't make love.
It just felt real good.
You know why?
'Cause you waited
five months for it.
If you're starving and somebody
throw you a cr*cker...
...you going to be like this...
"g*dd*mn, that's the best
cr*cker I ever ate in my life!
"That ain't no regular cr*cker,
was it?
"What was that, a Saltine?
g*dd*mn, that was delicious.
"That wasn't no Saltine.
That was...
"That was a Ritz.
That wasn't a Ritz?
"God, that was the best cr*cker
I ever ate in my life.
Can I have another one, please?
Please, one more."
Then you get married, 'cause
you think you've found the b*mb.
Have the same crackers
every day for a year.
And you roll over one day
and be like,
"Hey, I just got some
regular old crackers."
Try to leave? Half!
So be careful.
Marry someone that's not
going to fool around on you.
Which would be hard
to do in the '80s,
'cause everybody's
f*cking each other nowadays.
It's like Fuckfest '87.
Everybody-- Everybody
is f*cking and it really--
It's getting bad.
Let me hear the women clap
that are loyal to their men,
truthfully.
Let me hear you clap.
[ women clapping ]
Okay, now, let me hear--
Let me hear the women
clap that have men
that are loyal to them,
truthfully.
[ women clapping ]
Yeah, I see.
Y'all some disillusioned
ladies clapping right now.
Let me hear the men clap.
Let me hear the men clap
that are loyal to their women.
[ men clapping ]
Stop.
You lying m*therf*ckers, stop.
Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass.
f*ck, there ain't no such thing
as a loyal man,
you lying m*therf*ckers.
Stop it.
Yeah, the only reason you're
clapping is 'cause your woman's
sitting next to you right now
when I asked you.
When I asked the question,
she looked at you like this...
"You going to put
your hands together?
"You better stomp your feet
"and light a match
for this p*ssy, g*dd*mn it.
Stand up and clap.
Stand your ass up and clap."
"She's number one!"
Get the f*ck out of here.
No such thing as a loyal man.
Ladies, do not be fooled. I know
some men have some strong raps
and they'll have you
believing it. No loyal men.
All men f*ck other women.
We are low by nature
and have to do it.
We are men.
All men do it.
We have to do it.
We are men. It is a man thing.
Men must find and conquer
as much p*ssy as they can get.
Do not think for two seconds
that you are the only one
your man is f*cking.
He is a man
and has to conquer women.
I see a lot of you good women
sitting out there going,
"Not my man."
Yes, your man too.
Your man too.
If he's not here with you
tonight, he f*cking somebody.
Because he is a man.
It has nothing to do with you.
You can have the best p*ssy
in the world.
There can be a cape hanging out
your p*ssy with a big S on it.
Your man's still going to go
f*ck somebody else,
'cause he is a man.
It is a d*ck thing.
Do not try to understand it.
You have to have a d*ck
to understand this. We are men.
I know a lot of guys sitting out
there right now like this too...
"Yo, Ed, shut the f*ck up, man!
[ mouthing words ]
I ain't spent all my money
for this, m*therf*cker!"
You going to be driving home
tonight
with your wife in the car
like this...
"You don't really be
fooling around
like Eddie Murphy
say you do, do you?"
"No, baby. That's just jokes.
"That Ed sure is funny,
ain't he?
"Why don't we change the
subject.
"Let's talk about something
completely different.
I don't wanna talk about
this foolin' around stuff."
"I do wanna talk about
this foolin' around stuff.
"Why does he have to lie to me?
"I think he was telling
the truth.
"If you fooled around, I would
be so hurt and disgusted,
"I would wait
until you went to sleep,
I would come inside the room
and k*ll you."
MAN: Thanks, Eddie!
WOMAN: We love you!
"Yeah, that Ed sure is funny.
"I ain't got to worry about
getting k*lled.
"As much as I love you,
I wouldn't fool around.
"Why don't we change
the subject.
Let's talk about
the Richard Pryor."
"I don't wanna talk about
the Richard Pryor.
"I wanna talk about this,
'cause if you fooled around,
I would be so hurt,
you know what I would do?"
"What would you do, baby,
take half?"
"No, I'd wait
till you went to sleep
and I'd come inside the room
and cut your d*ck off."
"Don't be talking about
cutting off my d*ck."
"Well, you don't be putting
your d*ck in nobody else, then."
"Well, I don't play that shit.
You cut off my d*ck,
"you better run, g*dd*mn it.
Stop making them d*ck threats."
The woman's favorite--
Y'all always make--
That's a woman's
favorite threat, is,
"I'll do something
to your d*ck."
"If a man do this,
I kick him in his nuts.
"A man put his hands--
You put your hands on me,
I'm going to kick you
where it hurts."
Always d*ck threats.
Y'all don't realize
how sensitive nuts are,
do you?
Men don't like to hear a threat
like that. You hear somebody...
"I'll kick you in the nuts."
It make you wince, be like,
"Ooh, change the subject,
please."
You don't have to kick
no nuts to hurt nobody.
You could just graze nuts...
...and the man
would be f*cked up.
And that pain is worse,
'cause it don't set in for,
like, ten seconds.
You be wondering
if it's going to hurt.
You say, "I wonder,
did that hit my nuts, just...?"
[ gasps ]
There's no getting around it.
"I'll kick you in your nuts."
You don't have to kick.
You could just graze it.
Y'all do that shit
when you play-fight.
You ever have a woman
play-fight with you?
Your man get serious
when they thr*aten your d*ck.
You be, "Hey, baby, come on."
[ pants ]
And she go, "Ha, ha."
You say, "Hey, hey, hey.
"I think playtime is over.
"You're getting a little crazy."
That's why men don't like
to handle little babies.
Them little babies with them
high-top white shoes on
with the real hard bottoms.
When they about 1 years old,
you pick them up
and their leg muscles be strong
and they stomp you
in the nuts with both feet.
And both of y'all be dribbling.
You be like...
[ mumbles ]
And their mother think
you talking baby talk.
"Oh, that's so cute,
the way they talking."
And you be... [ mumbles ]
"Yeah, go to your mother,
please."
"What's the matter, he stink?"
"No, I'm about to throw
this m*therf*cker someplace.
"Get a little older, I'm going
to kick you in your baby nuts,
and see how you like it."
"I kick him in his nuts."
Always talking about
kicking somebody in the nuts.
You know what, ladies?
I had a woman ask me
the other day,
"You know why I say my thing?
"I wanna know why all men
fool around.
"Why, why, why? I do everything
my man wants me to do
"and he still fools around. Why?
I cook, I clean, I f*ck.
I come and go as he says.
Why, why, why?"
Then you call up your
girlfriends and go, "Why?"
She go, "I don't know.
My man ain't home." "Why?"
Then you call up your mother
and say, "Mama, why?"
She go, "I don't know,
your father ain't home."
"Why? Why?"
I'll tell you why
all men fool around.
WOMEN: Why?
Hear the ladies go, "Why?"
Men fool around because of this.
And look at all the women
in the audience right now
looking up here like this...
We fool around because
we figured women out.
[ angry murmuring ]
We did.
See, a lot of you ladies going,
"What does he mean,
he figured us out?"
And dumb n*gg*s going,
"Yeah, what does he mean,
we figured them out?"
We figured you out in this
sense, and this is true.
Anybody's ever done this--
Anybody's ever done this
will agree with what I'm saying.
Any woman that's ever
had this done to her
will agree
what I'm going to say.
Those of you who've never
done this will go, "I disagree."
But once you make
a woman come real hard,
once you make a woman say,
"Oooh."
No matter how bad you f*ck up,
no matter what you do wrong,
no matter what you say,
no matter what you do,
as long as you say,
"I'm sorry,"
she will listen to your story.
And that's the truth.
That's the God's honest truth.
It is the truth. Stop it.
It's the truth.
It is the truth.
And, ladies, as soon as
y'all make that noise,
your relationship will change
with your man. 'Cause we know.
We wait on that noise.
We waiting on it.
'Cause we know we can act
different as soon as you go,
"Oooh."
We know we can act the fool
then. Remember when your man
couldn't make it,
he would call?
No more of that shit.
He heard you go, "Oooh."
Remember he wanted to spend all
his free time with you?
No more of that.
You made that noise.
Your man can act crazy.
We know as soon as you go,
"Oooh."
Our face is in the pillow
like this,
"I got this m*therf*cker now,
boy."
Then you start talking to her...
"Whose p*ssy is this?
Whose p*ssy is this?"
"Oh, it's your p*ssy!
It's your p*ssy!"
"Oooh."
And your relationship changes
from that moment.
The woman be sitting on the bed,
legs shaking...
"Oh, my God.
Oh, I can't believe it.
I never came like that before.
I can't believe it."
And their man get real cold,
saying shit like,
"Why don't you
shake your ass home."
"What are you talking about?
"Why are you treating me
like this?
We have a relationship."
"You don't own me."
"What do you mean I don't own
you? We have a relationship.
I thought that we go together."
"I don't see no rings
on your finger."
"But I love you!"
"Well, what have you
done for me lately?"
And y'all put up with it.
Y'all start putting up
with all kinds of crazy shit.
I guess it's hard to find
somebody that knows
how to do it to you right,
'cause when y'all find one,
y'all stick through that man
through all kinds of bullshit.
I know a man got busted coming
out of another woman's house.
This'll show you how far
a woman will stoop.
He got busted coming out
of another woman's house.
His woman saw him come out,
knew that the woman lived there
and didn't say shit.
Wait till they got home
walked in the kitchen and said,
"What the hell was you doing
in that bitch's house?"
You know what the man said?
"Wasn't me."
"I looked right in your face!"
"Wasn't me."
"Well, I'm supposed
to be a fool, right?"
"Hey.
Wasn't me."
You know what the woman said?
"Maybe it wasn't you."
"Oooh."
I got a friend got busted
in his house, in his bed,
where him and his wife sleep,
with another woman, f*cking!
His wife walked inside
the house,
opened up the bedroom door,
saw her man in her bed
with another woman, f*cking.
She walks in...
"Aaaaah!"
The man jumped up,
saw his woman standing there.
She ran down the hallway.
Chased his woman down
the hallway butt naked
with a rock-hard d*ck,
talking about, "I'm sorry."
This sound like a tragedy,
right?
No, it was like this...
"Baby, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Baby, look. Whoa, hold on.
Wait, we got to talk.
"Baby, I am sorry."
"No, you're not sorry.
"I can't believe you did this.
You have no respect for me.
Get the f*ck--
Don't you f*cking touch me."
"Wait, baby, I am sorry.
Wait a second."
"No, if you're sorry,
you wouldn't have f*cked her!"
And then you change
the shit around. Right, guys?
"Okay, wait a minute!
"Wait one second, g*dd*mn it!
"Yes, I f*cked her, yes.
"Is that what you want me
to say? I f*cked her?
"All right, I f*cked her.
"We f*cked, all right?
You happy now? We f*cked!
"Now, let's talk about the word
'f*ck' for a minute.
"'Cause that's a very important
word here. f*ck, yes, we did.
"f*ck. I f*cked her.
"I make love to you.
"And if you going to let a f*ck
come between our love,
there's something really wrong
happening here, baby."
Bullshit.
"Oooh."
That's the only reason
why it works.
Now, guys, I see a lot of y'all
feeling real macho,
'cause you may have heard
your woman make that noise
and you think you are
in control of your shit.
But I told you a half-hour ago,
women are vindictive.
Don't you think for two seconds
that if you keep breaking
this woman's heart,
your sweet, innocent, little,
sweet, loving, darling woman,
she eventually will go out
and f*ck someone else.
Don't think she won't.
Don't think she won't.
Look, all the men's faces,
they're like this now...
And men don't like to picture
their woman f*cking nobody.
That's taboo.
Watch the guy's faces.
Ladies, look at them.
Guys, picture your woman
f*cking your best friend.
Look at them, they're...
Hey, your woman is like this...
Hmm.
I gotta tell you, be careful.
And women ain't like us.
It's not their nature
to fool around.
Like, we'll go out
and sneak out to the hotel
and have to wash your d*ck
in the sink and all that shit.
Women going to do it classy.
They don't f*ck around like us.
It's like,
"Hey, I don't do this often,
I'm going to do it right."
Know when your woman's
going to fool around?
When you keep messing her over,
eventually she says shit
like this...
"You know, I think
I'm going to go to the Bahamas
by myself for the weekend."
And you say,
"You want me to go with you?"
She goes, "No, just me
and my girlfriends are going.
Just me and my friends."
And we so stupid,
we start thinking
about all the p*ssy
we can get while she gone.
"You going to go by yourself?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
And send your woman off to
the romantic Bahamas by herself?
By herself to the Bahamas?
She's walking on the beach,
she laid out all day
and got a tan,
your woman is fine
and got her body looking right,
she's walking on the beach,
crying, in the Bahamas.
Lovers on the beach making love.
She's all by herself,
walking along,
feeling sad,
thinking about you,
and everybody's real romantic.
The motion of the ocean
is shimmying off--
The moon is shimmying off
the ocean.
Your woman's standing,
looking at it and crying.
And all of a sudden,
a dude named Dexter walks up.
Dexter St. Jock.
He walk up swinging his d*ck.
Then he do that smooth
Bahamas shit on your woman.
[ Caribbean accent ]:
"What a beautiful girl like you
"doing by herself
on the island of love?
"This is the island for lovers.
"You should be being held
right now, girl.
What you crying about?"
"I'm having some problems
with my boyfriend,
so I came down here
to think it over."
"Tell me what hotel
your man's staying.
"Let me go tell him
"that you treat a woman like you
like a princess.
"If you were my woman,
I make love to you constantly.
What hotel this man
staying in?"
"Well, he's back in New York."
[ sobs ]
"Is that right?
"Well, listen, girl. Won't you
come back around my place?
We sit down and talk it over."
"All we going to do is talk?"
He take your woman to his house
and roll one of them
big-ass Bahama joints.
Shit this big and shit.
Put some of that
Bob Marley music on.
And y'all know Bob
be preaching this shit...
Don't let him fool you,
oh, no ♪
Na-na-na-na-na
da-da-da-da ♪
Or even try to school you,
oh, yeah ♪
Could this be love? ♪
Then be loved ♪
d*ck swinging.
Next thing you know,
Dexter is f*cking your woman.
Well.
Send your woman home
floating on air.
Walk through the door
like this...
I shot the sheriff ♪
We so stupid, we think it
was the weather. We be going,
"Hey, baby, you need
to get away more often."
And she be like this...
"Uh-huh."
And never tell you.
It's her little secret.
All women have
a skeleton in the closet.
All women have done
something that only them
and another person knows about.
All women have one skeleton.
Even the little, sweet,
innocent ones
have something that only them
and another person knows about.
All women.
Don't be-- Look at the guys,
looking at their women again
like this...
"You got skeletons
in your closet?
"I thought I seen a bone
in your shoe.
Whose skeleton was that?"
Don't be fooled. They all have
a skeleton in their closet.
Some of them got cemeteries
in their closet and shit.
You open the door and ravens
and shit fly out of the closet.
So be careful. Be careful.
Get the perfect person for you.
Get somebody
you going to be with forever.
Find somebody perfect for you.
I'm not saying
that they're perfect people.
I'm saying we ain't perfect.
Find somebody just as f*cked up
as you are and settle down.
That's what you gotta do.
If I ever get married,
I got to marry somebody
with personality first.
I hate those quiet,
salad-eating b*tches,
those real quiet ones, you know.
The kind of women, you take
them out to dinner, you say,
"Hey, what you wanna eat?"
They go,
"I'll just have a salad."
And you hear their stomach
going...
[ imitates rumbling ]
"I don't know why my stomach
is making that noise."
"'Cause you're hungry, bitch.
Why don't you have
something to eat?"
"No, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'll just have a salad."
"What you want to drink?"
"Water."
"What movie you wanna see
after you finish eating?"
"Whatever you wanna see
is okay with me.
As long as it's a PG.
I hate scary movies."
"This is my friend
Bob and Karen."
"Hi."
"What's your problem?"
"I'm just a little shy."
Get your shy ass away from me.
I hate those shy b*tches.
They make me sick
to my mother--
I hate shy--
You know, those shy women,
those are usually
the ones that have
the most skeletons
in their closet.
That's why they shy now.
'Cause they been raising hell
all their life, now they shy.
Think about it. All them
shy women that you meet,
they never from the town
you meet them in.
They always from somewhere else.
Then they come to your town
and get shy.
Get the f*ck out of here.
They afraid to talk,
'cause they think a bone
is going to fly out their mouth
or some shit.
"Hi.
[ imitates object falling,
landing ]
So many skeletons."
I hate shy women.
I like extroverts, I like women
with a sense of humor.
I like funny girls
and funny women.
But hey, wait. You gotta
be good-looking too.
I don't wanna f*ck no funny,
ugly bitch and shit.
I'd have me in the bed going,
"Hey, baby, can you tell me
some more jokes, please?"
Gotta be a good cook.
I didn't realize my mother
was a good cook
till after I moved out
of the house.
When you're a child,
if your mother doesn't take you
to McDonald's,
you don't think she can cook.
I had one of those mothers,
no matter what you want,
she has the ingredients at home.
You say, "Ma, I wanna stop
and get some McDonald's."
And she go,
"I got hamburger meat at home."
"But I want McDonald's
hamburgers."
"I'll make you a hamburger
better than McDonald's."
"You cook better
than McDonald's?"
"That's right.
You can help Mama make it."
You say, "Shit, that's better
than McDonald's."
Your mother say, "Okay, go get
me the big frying pan."
So you hand her the frying pan
and she say,
"I want you to go in the
refrigerator and get the meat
and while you in there, get me
a green pepper and a onion."
And you say,
"Ain't no green peppers
at McDonald's."
"I'm not making McDonald's,
I'm making your Mama's burger.
"I need a green pepper and an
onion and while you're in there,
get me an egg out too."
"What you need eggs for?
"I want hamburgers.
You making Egg McMuffins."
"I'm not making an Egg McMuffin.
"I don't even know what
no damn Egg McMuffin is.
Just get me the egg
and shut your mouth."
She take the egg
and the green peppers
and chop the green peppers up
in big chunks.
Don't even dice it. Big chunks
of green peppers and onion
and mix the egg in and put
paprika and all this shit in it
and make a big meatball
and put it
in the middle
of this frying pan.
At McDonald's,
the meat is this thin.
Your mother's shit
is like this or fatter.
Green peppers hanging
out of it and shit.
And there's a big split
in the middle
and grease is popping out.
You're looking at it
while it's popping.
You're looking at the grease
in the pan,
you're thinking to yourself,
"That don't look like
no McDonald's."
Then your mother say,
"Go inside the refrigerator
and get me the bread
out of the bread box."
And you go look
in the bread box and you say,
"Ma, we don't have
no hamburger buns.
All we have is Wonder Bread."
"That's what I said.
Get the bread
out of the bread box."
"You going to put it
on square Wonder Bread?"
"g*dd*mn it, bread is bread.
You'd better bring me that bread
"before I slap you
in your mouth.
"Don't tell me about
Wonder Bread.
"As much as that bread costs,
"don't tell me some shit
about Wonder Bread.
This is Wonder Bread.
A hamburger is a hamburger."
And she'd make it and put it
in the middle
of square Wonder Bread.
At McDonald's, they use buns,
the meat covers the whole bread.
At your mother's,
the meat's right in
the middle of the bread,
with grease running
through the middle,
making the bread stick
to the plate.
Now, this big green pepper
is hanging out the top
of this big meatball
on the bread.
And you try to put
some ketchup on it
and it mixes with the grease,
turn the bread into pink dough.
Then you grab it
and get fingerprinted
and you got big,
pink fingerprints in the dough.
You stand there looking at it
and you try to make it look
like McDonald's,
so you rip the edges off around
it, make it round.
And you got green peppers and
grease running down your hand.
And your mother say,
"Now, go on outside and play."
And the other kids
got McDonald's.
They outside going,
We got McDonald's ♪
Hamburgers ♪
McDonald's,
McDonald's ♪
I got McDonald's ♪
And you standing there
with this big "house burger."
And kids are honest.
They say,
"Where you get that big,
welfare, green-pepper burger?"
And you cry.
[ sobs ]
"My mother made it."
And long slob--
When little kids cry,
some long slob come
out of their mouth
and it hangs this far
to the ground.
And it won't break.
And adults stand around going,
"That slob going to break?"
And it won't.
The wind can blow that slob...
[ moans ]
You know where you
can see kids crying?
I do it all the time,
I'm sadistic.
I like to go to supermarkets
and watch mothers lose it
and beat the shit out
of their kids.
MAN: Party at the Loft!
I was at the Loft. You know why
I ain't danced at the Loft?
I had just got over some shit.
I go to parties--
I went to a white disco recently
and I watched
the white people dance.
Y'all-- Y'all can't dance.
No, it's not-- I'm not being
r*cist. I mean, I mean--
It's just like saying
black people have thick lips.
That's not r*cist.
It's true. We have thick lips
and white people can't dance.
And y'all be trying.
Y'all be really--
Do y'all listen to the words
or the beat?
'Cause y'all be--
And I really--
I tell you, every time
you see a black--
When you ever go
to a white club,
you see five or six brothers
just standing.
You ask, "Why are those
n*gg*r*s in here?"
They watching y'all dance.
"Look at these crazy
m*therf*ckers."
Y'all got one dance
y'all can do.
Y'all can do this shit,
like this...
But y'all don't do no moves,
it's just this...
Y'all do some shit like this,
you be f*cked up. You'd be...
"Oh, shit..."
And white people, y'all step
on each other's feet.
Brothers, we go to the disco,
get all f*cked up,
you're stepping
and hitting and--
Brothers got some dance.
They be doing this
with their heads.
Some shit like that.
If the white people do that,
they'll k*ll each other.
They be like...
[ makes crashing noise ]
"Sorry."
"Let's stick with this."
I was in the club, man.
I stopped going--
I ain't danced at the Loft
'cause I had a fight recently
and I said I ain't dancing.
I went to clubs--
People get drunk, go to clubs
and start fighting.
I had a fight
with an Italian dude
right after around the time
Rocky came out.
Italians-- White people, period,
y'all go crazy after
y'all see a Rocky movie,
'cause y'all believe that shit.
'Cause the movies
are so emotional and so real,
you sit there and go like,
"Hey, this is real."
And Stallone have y'all white
people pumped,
especially Italians.
After Italians see Rocky,
they come out the movie theater,
they be like--
Italians are funny people,
'cause they act like n*gg*s.
It's real funny.
They do. They hold
their d*ck more than us.
They be standing around,
[ Brooklyn accent ]:
"Get the f*ck out of here."
"It's right here, all right?
"What? Hey, f*ck you,
all right?"
Everything is a question too.
"Hey, what am I, an assh*le?
"What am I, a f*cking jerk?
Get the f*ck out of here.
It's right here, all right?"
After they see Rocky,
they come out
of the theater charged.
They be like,
"All right, Rock-O!
"All right, Sly!
"Hey!
All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!"
Go up to the people
standing on line and shit.
"Hey, paisan, you going in
to see Rocky right now?"
"Yeah."
"It's a great f*cking movie.
"It's great.
"You going to like this.
When Sly comes out,
"he breaks this big
f*cking n*gg*r's face.
"He busts it f*cking wide open.
"f*cking melanzane laying
on the floor, f*cked up.
"It's f*cking great. I f*cking
love it, man. All right, Rock-O!
"Hey, you know something.
At the end of this picture,
"now, just between you and I,
"I don't wanna ruin
the surprise,
"but Sly wins this one again.
"You know what I like
about Stallone's movies?
"The realism. You know?
'Cause that's the way you gotta
"f*cking treat those
f*cking moolies.
"They think they can f*cking
push you around,
'Oh, you big hotshot,'
"get the f*ck out of here.
"Get the f*ck out of my face
with that shit.
"That's what I like about Sly.
He goes in
"and the moolies are beating him
and he don't f*cking go down.
"He's not f*cking going down.
"He comes in and he cracks the
f*cking moolie's hole like this.
"He falls on the ground.
I swear.
"You know something,
you can really f*cking do that.
"You see that f*cking big
melanzane standing over there?
See that black guy over there
at the line getting candy?"
"Yeah." "All right. Now,
he's about 6'5". I'm 5'2".
"I ain't no big guy, all right?
"But I'm Italian. Watch this.
You watch this, all right?
"Hey, excuse me, brother.
"Hey, let me have
a box of Juji Fruits
"and let me have some Bon Bons.
"I think I'll have some
Bon Bons there.
"And let me have some
Junior Mints.
"And, uh, give me another box
of Juji Fruits.
And the n*gga's
going to pay for it."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard what I said, moolie.
Pay for my f*cking candy...
...or I'll kick your ass."
"Oh, you just saw Rocky.
"Look, little Italian white man.
"I enjoy Sylvester Stallone's
movies too.
"But I'm waiting here
to get some candy
"and I'm going to go see a movie
with my friend.
"Why don't you
just go hop in your IROC Z-28
and take your ass home."
"I'll kick your f*cking ass."
Then they hear that
Rocky music.
Hour later...
[ makes siren noise ]
"He's not going to make it.
"The big n*gg*r named Abdullah's
hand wrapped around his throat.
"And a box of Juji Fruits
rammed up his ass.
"He's not going to make it.
He's f*cked up."
That's who I had a fight with.
I had a fight with an Italian.
Those are the worst
white people to fight,
'cause they don't know it--
especially around Rocky time.
'Cause I was in a discotheque
talking to--
I was in a disco talking to
Deney Terrio from Dance Fever.
Don't ask me why.
But I--
We were there kicking it
and this Italian dude
is standing there
with his girlfriend
and his girlfriend
is looking at me or Deney.
And the Italian guy--
Italians don't play that shit.
You hear the shit they say
to their girlfriends?
"What the f*ck
you looking over there for, huh?
"Don't tell me you're not
looking. I just saw you looking.
"You been looking over there
all f*cking night, all right.
"You look over there again,
I'm going to pick up a glass
"and shove it in your f*cking
mouth, all right?
"You don't look over there.
No, you shut up.
"You're making me look
like I'm an assh*le over here.
"Don't you ever disrespect me.
Don't you ever.
"Hey, shut up. Don't you ever--
"I'll f*cking kick your ass
inside here.
"What are you looking
at a f*cking dancer
"and a melanzane for?
He's a moolie.
You know I'll kick
his moolie ass."
He pushed me.
Now, black people from New York
have this trick we use
on white people.
It works.
Even if you can't fight,
you have to act like
you can fight,
'cause that gets you out
of a lot of fights.
It works. If you have some
problem tomorrow--
Walk up to a white dude and
step on his foot. And he says,
"Hey, you got a problem?"
You go, "Yeah, m*therf*cker,
I got a problem!"
"I just lost
my m*therf*cking job
"to a white man,
look just like you!
"So I say I'm going to step
on some feet
"till I feel
I've redeemed myself.
You got a problem?"
And white guys will go,
"Hey, I didn't know
about your job."
They leave and brother
be standing there like this...
"Oh, that was close.
I almost got f*cked up."
So I know you gotta act
like you can fight.
First thing you do is you make
your voice go up an octave
and act real confused.
And mumble,
"What the f*ck this
m*therf*cker trying--?
"Yo, you don't put your
m*therf*cking hand, no--
"Get the f*ck-- Mind your
m*therf*cking business.
"I'll bust
your m*therf*cking ass.
"Don't you never put your
hands-- Shut the f*ck up, man.
"What the f*ck is wrong
with you, man?
"You know I'll bust you--
Get the f*ck off me.
"I'll bust your m*therf*cking
ass too.
"Mind your m*therf*cking
business.
"You want some, m*therf*cker?
You want some?
"Then make a move, then.
Make a move.
"Yeah, you better walk away,
mother--
"I'll bust your p*ssy ass too.
"You never put your
m*therf*cking hands on me.
"What the f*ck is your problem?
What's your problem, huh?
"You got a problem? Well, I'm
going to settle your problem.
"I'm going to settle
your problem.
"I'm going to settle
your problem, m*therf*cker!"
And the dude did like this,
"Come on!"
I was stuck.
I was standing there
like this now.
Dude said, "Come on,
that's the way I like it."
I didn't know what to do,
'cause I could act
like I could fight good.
You know, I'm an actor,
I ain't no fighter.
You put me in a movie
where I'm the star,
I'll kick your ass.
This is real shit.
He's standing there, "Come on."
I was frozen, man.
I was standing there,
my ego jumped out
of my body and said,
"Punch him in the face, Ed."
I said,
"I ain't punching nobody."
My ego said,
"Well, give me your hand."
[ makes punching noise ]
Clocked that boy in his eye.
Boy fell on the deck
holding his eye,
he was all f*cked up.
I looked at my ego, I said,
"What the f*ck you do that for?"
Ego said, "'Cause you've got
an image to uphold.
Look, you kicked the dude's ass,
man. Calm down. Relax."
And I looked. The dude was
laying there, holding his eye.
My ego said,
"Now talk some shit now
so people know
not to mess with you."
And I was like... "Yeah.
I'm tired of people
messing with me."
"Now tell them
if somebody else move,
you going to kick their ass."
"If somebody else move,
I'm going to kick their ass?"
"Do some kind of rhyme
with your name.
That always scares
white people. Rhyme your name."
"'Cause I'm Ed,
and if you mess with Ed,
you be dead."
"That's all right. Just worry
about-- Shit, you doing fine.
"You just relax, don't worry
about nothing. Just be cool.
"Ain't nobody going to move now
"after they seen you
kick this dude's ass.
Just relax and cool out."
I start cooling out.
My ego said,
"You ain't got to worry
about nothing.
"Every now and then you
gotta whip somebody's ass,
let them know where you stand."
I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
I ain't see this dude's brother
standing behind me.
And he has seen Rocky too.
And he swung around my back
and punched me in the mouth...
real, real hard.
'Cause the punch said...
[ makes punching noise ]
And my ego said,
"What was that?!"
I said, "I don't know."
And my lip said, "Hey, fellas!"
[ making swelling sound ]
[ making throbbing sound ]
So I'm standing there
with my lips hanging down,
looking like J.J.
from Good Times and shit.
And I ain't know what to do,
so I scream for security.
I said, "Security!"
And that's when one of my boys
jumped over the table
like Linc Hayes
from the Mod Squad
and grabbed that boy
and started going...
Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.
Boom. Boy hit the deck.
My boy jumps up
and starts f*cking this boy up
and his brother woke up,
jump on top of my boy
and started kicking his ass.
Then somebody says,
"Fight in the back!"
And all the people,
the bouncers came--
It was a white club,
they saw two n*gg*s
fighting two white guys.
They jump on the n*gg*s.
"You n*gg*r*s have to learn
"to stop f*cking up our clubs.
"Didn't we let you in here,
n*gg*r?
We saw you laughing while
we were dancing. We saw you."
Then all the brothers
saw 40 white guys
beating up two black guys.
"Hey, you can't beat up
the brothers."
They jump in the fight.
Then it looked like 40 white
guys fighting 40 black guys,
it was a big race w*r
and suntan lotion
and Jheri-curl juices
sh**ting all over the place.
And at the end of the fight,
everybody sued me.
Everybody claimed
I whipped their ass.
I'm 5'10". I weigh 165 pounds.
I can't whip a disco's ass
by myself.
Even people that didn't fight
sued me.
People that watched the fight
was in court.
"No, I didn't actually fight,
but I was there watching.
"And it was a discotheque
"and a strobe light fell
off the ceiling,
"creating a weird effect
with the mirror
"and I saw this
and my eyes were sprained,
the eyes, and I need 12 million
for my sprained eyes."
Brothers sued me. Yo, man,
the brothers came out and sued.
I was like, "Ain't no brothers
going to sue me."
Brothers sued Ed.
The brothers went to get paid.
I was like,
"Brothers don't sue brothers."
They was like, "f*ck that.
I'm getting paid, m*therf*cker."
Brothers went to court,
got educated on the judge.
All of a sudden they was like,
"Can you state your case."
"Yes, Your Honor, on the evening
in question, per se, Your Honor.
"Yo, check it out, Your Honor.
I was inside the disco.
"Cooling, right?
I went in with my girlie, right?
"My girl start illing,
'Oh, there go Eddie Murphy.'
"Start acting all tipsy
and shit, right?
"I say, 'Where? Where?'
She say, 'Over there.'
"I say, 'f*ck that big-nose
m*therf*cker.
'I make my money just like him''
Right, Your Honor?
"'Cause I don't give a f*ck.
I ain't getting on nobody.
"So, Your Honor,
check it out, right?
"What happened--
What happened then, right?
"I say, 'Yo, what you want,
me go over,
get the m*therf*cker autograph''
"I got the autograph
for my girlie.
"I walked over and said,
'Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.'
"Then Ed say, 'I ain't signing
a m*therf*cking thing.
'f*ck you and your ugly bitch.'
I say, 'Yo, Ed.
'I'll bust your ass
for saying shit like that.'
"He say, 'm*therf*cker, I...'
And he ran over to my woman
"and slap her in the face,
Your Honor.
"Then he slap me
and my man in the face.
"All three of us, like
the Three Stooges, Your Honor.
Twelve million.
Twelve!"
I was disgusted.
"Yeah, Your Honor.
Give us half his shit."
I was mad.
I called my mother up.
You know how you do.
When you get depressed,
you call your mother.
You get your ass whipped,
first thing you do is call home.
I call my mother's house.
'Cause you wanna hear
your mother say,
"It's going to be all right,
baby. It's going to be fine.
"You just come on home.
Shh. Stop crying.
"I'll cook you
something to eat.
"I'll cook you one of them
big old hamburgers
I used to make before.
You just come on home."
And you want that burger
when you get older.
I called my mother's house,
it was a Friday night,
the phone rang for a half-hour.
Which meant my pops was home,
and on the weekends,
my pops gets drunk.
I was praying he wouldn't
answer the telephone,
'cause I'm bleeding,
my lips are swollen,
people walking by going,
"Hey, Jimmie Walker."
I'm going, "No, I'm Ed.
I just had a fight."
So I'm praying my father
wouldn't answer the phone.
And I picture this is going on
while I'm standing,
my pops is home
like this, drunk...
"This is my house!
"It's my house
and I don't give a f*ck!
"You know something?
Hey, I'm drunk, Lil.
"Lil? I'm drunk.
And you know something?
"It's beautiful.
"It's beautiful, Lil.
"In my heart and my soul,
I'm drunk.
"You know something, f*ck it.
"If I wanna drink
something in my house, fine.
"You don't like it,
get the f*ck out of my house.
"I pay the bills
for this m*therf*cker.
"I wanna drink something,
I drink something.
"Hey, Lil, you going to
answer this telephone?
"Do you hear the phone ringing?
"Lil!
[ making ringing sound ]
"That's the phone, m*therf*cker.
That's not me.
"No, I'm not answering shit.
"I pay the bills. I'm going
to answer the phone too?
"Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell
up in this m*therf*cker?
"You better answer
this telephone.
"Lil, answer the phone.
g*dd*mn it, look--
"Shit, I'm watching
the fights, Lil.
"Are you going to answer--?
You're not going to answer it?
"Okay. Fine. Don't touch
the phone no more, Lil.
"Okay? Since you can't
get up off your ass
"and answer the phone--
Bye-bye.
"You can't touch the phone.
Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian.
"No more phone for you.
Your phone rights are--
"Your phone privileges
are cut off.
"In fact, I'm going
to write that down
"and put it on the fridge.
"That's the new rules. That's
the new rules in the house.
"I'm going to take the old rules
off and put new rules up.
"'Cause you going to listen
to me, g*dd*mn,
"when I tell you
to do something.
"We going to put new rules up.
"We going to put rules up.
Rules up.
"Rules. Rules.
One, 'Lillian...
cannot use the phone.'
"Two, 'Lillian cannot...'
"Since you're such
a smart m*therf*cker,
"you can't go outside
anymore either.
'Cannot go outside ever again.'
"Now, put the rules up, Lillian.
"You abide by my rules
and my regulations, g*dd*mn it.
"And the rules say
'No phone and no outside.'
"And I don't give a f*ck
"if the m*therf*cking house
is burning down.
"If I come home and a fireman
putting the house out, I say,
'How you find out the house
was burning?'
'We got a call from your wife,'
I kick your m*therf*cking ass.
"You're in this house to stay!
"You'll burn up
in this m*therf*cker.
"No, Lillian, where you going?
"Didn't I just say
you couldn't go no place?
"How the hell you going to
go somewhere--?
"No, Lillian. You're not going
to Shirley's house
"to play Pokeno.
f*ck Pokeno.
"Take your coat off.
"No, you can't go no place,
'cause I said so.
"The rules say 'no outside.'
"I know you wanna leave,
that's why you can't go.
"You better call and tell her
you're not coming.
"Whoa-whoa-whoa.
You can't use my phone.
"I don't know.
You better lift up the window
"and scream your
m*therf*cking head off.
"But you're not going--
I don't give--
"You're not going no place.
You're not going no place.
"No. 'Cause I know
you wanna leave.
"That's why.
I know you wanna leave.
I know you wanna leave."
I got one of those fathers
who gets drunk and sings
old Motown songs to you
in his argument,
and fucks all up the lyrics
and thinks he's saying it right.
I know you wanna leave me ♪
But I refuse to let you go,
Lillian ♪
Then he f*ck up,
think he's saying it right.
If I have to beg and plead,
do the symphony ♪
I don't mind, 'cause it means
that much to me ♪
"You're not going no place.
"You be right here in this
m*therf*cker, Lil.
Watching the ships roll in ♪
Then you watch them
roll away again ♪
Lillian ♪
"'Cause I put the rules up.
Like Diana Ross say,
It's my house,
I-I live here ♪
"And she sing in Spanish too,
Lillian...
En my casa,
I... Yo vivo aqui ♪
"This is my house!
I don't give a f*ck!
"Do you hear this phone ringing,
Lillian?
"I'm going to answer,
'cause I know it's Shirley.
"I let my phone ring
for a half-hour.
"And you not supposed to let
a phone ring for a half-hour.
"You let it ring two
or three times and hang it up.
"That's a lonely bitch
at the end of that line.
"I'm going to tell her.
Hello? Shirley?
"Bitch, if you ever let my phone
ring like this again--
"Shir--? What's wrong--?
Hey, what's wrong with you?
"What you crying about?
Eddie, what's--?
"Eddie, what's wrong with you?
"What? You had a fight?!
Lillian, get my p*stol.
"Who you have a fight with?
"What? A disco?
With Deney Terrio?
"f*ck you doing
with Deney Terrio?
"And Jimmie Walker?
And your lips? And you shot--
"What? Lillian, Eddie had
a fight in a disco
"with Deney Terrio
and shot Jimmie Walker.
"He shot him in the lips, Lil.
"Eddie, why'd you sh**t
Jimmie Walker in his lips?
"I like Good Times.
"Oh, you took a shot
in your lips?
"And you look
like Jimmie Walker?
"Oh, that'd do it.
"Who punched you in the lips?
"Italian? For what?
"What you mean 'nothing'?
"Nobody get punched for nothing.
What'd you do?
"Eddie, shh.
Don't tell me 'nothing'.
"You had to do something.
"What did you do?
No, don't tell me 'nothing'.
"Nobody gets punched
for nothing. What--? Eddie--
"No, don't say 'nothing'. Eddie.
Nothing from nothing
leaves nothing ♪
Had to do something ♪
m*therf*cker punched you
in the mouth ♪
"Now, what did you do?
What?
"Eddie. No-- Eddie,
then it's something that you did
"a long time ago.
"Didn't I always tell you,
you reap what you sow? Yes.
"What goes around comes around,
Eddie.
"Yes, that's why that man punch
you in your mouth tonight,
"for something you did
a long time ago.
"Yes, Eddie.
Well, you give what you get.
"You get what you give.
That's why that man--
"Eddie. Eddie. What do you mean,
you don't remember what you did?
"He probably punched you in your
mouth for something you did
"when you was living here.
"I didn't catch everything
that you did.
"I worked all day,
you played all day, Eddie.
"Eddie, who broke that lamp
in 1971?
"It was you! Yes, it was.
"That's why that man
kick your ass tonight.
"If he's still there,
I'd appreciate if you go up
"and tell him that your father
says 'Thank you.'
"Save me a trip to California.
'Cause you never respect me.
"You never listen to what
I tell you to do, Eddie.
"I put rules on the refrigerator
and you never obey my rules.
"Me and your mother
want respect.
"You, Charlie and Vernon
"could not respect me
and your mother.
"All we wanted was some respect.
"All we asked for
was a little respect.
"How come you can't respect me?
How come you can't respect me?
"I'm a man. I want respect.
I want respect, Eddie.
What we want,
baby, you got it ♪
What we need,
I know you got it ♪
'Cause all I'm asking ♪
Is for a little respect,
m*therf*cker ♪
When you come on home, baby ♪
Hold on a minute.
Ooh, the kiss is
sweeter than honey ♪
R-E-S-Z-C-P,
find out what you mean to me ♪
R-E-C-C-T-T-P ♪
"m*therf*cker,
you know how to spell it!
"Respect. You never had no
respect for me, Eddie.
"That's why the man kicked your
ass. And when I was a child,
"I respect my parents.
And we didn't have shit. Okay?
"I had shit, Eddie. Me and
my brothers and sisters
"didn't have shit.
"I had 11 brothers and sisters,
Eddie.
"My father made 13 cents a week.
"He worked at the Coleco
toy factory, Eddie,
"and made 13 cents a week.
"That's not a lot of money
when you have 11 children.
"We didn't have all
the fancy things
"like you, Charlie and Vernon.
"We didn't have fancy luxuries
like food.
"What the f*ck you going to eat
on 13 cents a week?
"We had to eat whatever my
father brought home from work.
"We ate the toys, Eddie.
"That's right. We ate the toys
and we never complained,
"'cause my mother could cook
her ass off. Yes she can.
"My mother get some hot sauce
and some salt and pepper,
"make a Tonka truck
taste so delicious.
"The wheels will melt
in your mouth, Eddie.
"And you appreciate it.
You never complained.
"It was all for one
and one for all.
"We always stuck together.
"I only hurt my brothers
and sisters once.
"I came home from school
and my mother had made
"a birthday feast for my father.
"She had cooked and slaved
over the stove all day
"and made enough food
for 13 people to feast on
"for my father for his birthday
"and I sat down and ate it
all by myself.
"I ate it all, Eddie, by myself.
"And my father
came inside the kitchen,
"put his little birthday hat on
"and I'll never forget,
he looked at all the children,
"he had a tear in his eye
and he said,
'Which one of you kids sat down
and ate a whole f*cking game
of Monopoly by yourself?'
"And I ate it all, Eddie!
"Boardwalk, Park Place,
Illinois Avenue,
"the shoe, the boat,
the hat, the cannon,
"Connecticut Avenue,
Luxury Tax.
"Eddie, I even ate those cheap
"purple m*therf*ckers
after 'Go'...
"that nobody buys.
I ate them.
"I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue.
Yes, I did.
"I did, and I sat down and ate
my father's birthday cake too.
"No, it wasn't a cake.
We couldn't afford a cake.
"It was two Etch-A-Sketches
on top of each other.
"Two Etch-A-Sketch-- A Etch-
A-Sketch cake. That's right.
"We couldn't afford no icing,
so my mother would write
"'Happy Birthday Pop' on the
front of the Etch-A-Sketch.
"Know how you made a wish?
"You shook it
till the words disappeared,
"then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch,
Eddie.
"And that was
your birthday cake.
"And we never complained, Eddie.
"We were happy to get that.
All for one and one for all.
"We would get dressed
to go to school in the morning.
"Let me tell you
about our clothes.
"We had to wear whatever
my father
"brought home from work,
Eddie.
"We wore the toys!
"Each day my mother
would wake up
"and open 11 Twister games,
Eddie.
"And she would roll
the Twister mats on the floor.
"Me and my 11 brothers
and sisters
"would wrap the Twister mats
around our body like a suit.
"And then we'd get
a Hot Wheels racetrack
"and put that around our waist
as a belt, Eddie.
"And if there was no Hot Wheels,
we used Johnny Lightning.
"And if there was
no Johnny Lightning,
"we ripped up a Hula Hoop
and put that around our waist.
"Other children would
make fun of us
"because we got on
Twister suits.
"And it's no fun to get your ass
kicked in a Twister mat.
"Right foot, blue.
Left hand, red, Eddie.
"It was a g*dd*mn game
to these kids.
"I'm standing on the corner,
"a m*therf*cker is spinning
the spinner
"and kicking my ass, Eddie.
"Then I gotta go to school
"and watch the other children
eat real food.
"I gotta watch them eat
peanut butter and jelly,
"bologna and Swiss,
ham and cheese.
"I got a g*dd*mn
Silly Putty sandwich.
"Then, for dessert,
"they're going to pull out
a Hostess cupcake
"and I gotta eat
a g*dd*mn Slinky?
"A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie,
I ate so many Slinkys,
"every time I hear
the m*therf*cking Slinky song,
"it make me sick to my stomach.
They walk downstairs
alone and in pairs ♪
And make a clinkety sound ♪
A thing, a thing,
a marvelous thing ♪
Everyone knows it's Slinky ♪
A Slinky, a Slinky,
a wonderful, wonderful toy ♪
A Slinky, a Slinky, they're fun
for a girl and a boy ♪
Bye-bye, I gotta go.
Thank you.
[ cheering ]
[ upbeat dance theme plays ]
Raw ♪
Raw ♪
Raw ♪
Raw ♪
[ upbeat dance theme fades ]
Eddie Murphy Raw (1987)
Moderator: Maskath3