[Crowd chatter]
Ladies and gentlemen: Bill Burr!
[Cheers and applause]
All right.
Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
How are ya?
How's it going?
All right.
[Cheers and applause]
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
All right,
everybody settle down.
I wanna get a g*n.
I do.
I really do.
I never had that feeling
before
till I moved out
to Los Angeles.
This city just messes
with your mind, you know?
It's overpopulated,
technically doesn't have
a water supply.
Right?
The dollar's crashing.
Shit keeps you up at night.
You're just thinking...
"What am I gonna do
when the zombies come?"
Right?
Start reading up on shit.
"Get some powdered food.
Plant some zucchini.
Get a windmill."
Right?
And that's all well and good,
but if you don't know
how to fight,
all you're doing
is gathering supplies
for the toughest guy
on the block.
Right?
I was thinking about that.
What am I gonna do
if some dude turns me
upside down,
starts shaking the gold coins
outta my pockets?
I gotta get a g*n.
So I'm on the road, right?
I'm in Reno.
Great g*n town.
So I go down to that little
g*n store, right?
Come walking in.
There's some redneck there.
I'm like, "Hey, man."
I go, "I wanna get a g*n."
He's like, "I hear ya.
Whatcha looking for?
Whatcha want?
Mossberg? Over/under?
A .357 Magnum?
Right?"
Starts rattling off
all this gibberish, right?
I don't know shit.
I'm trying to play it off.
I feel like a bitch,
'cause I don't know
anything about g*ns.
So I was like,
"What do I do here?
Ah, hell,
I'm gonna go with honesty."
I go, "Look, dude, I don't
know anything about g*ns.
They terrify me.
But I'm worried about
the zombies.
All right?"
Dude's just like...
"You need a shotgun.
You need a shotgun, man.
It's got a good spread.
It's easy to load, doesn't have
a lot of working parts.
Got a good spread."
He kept saying that.
"It's got a good spread."
I'm like,
"What does that mean?"
He goes, "Well, that means you
ain't gotta be that accurate.
It's got a good spread.
Further away you are,
the more shit you hit.
It's got a good spread.
In fact, you got
a problem over here,
you ain't even gotta look.
You just turn... pow! That's it.
You ain't got a problem
over here anymore.
Anything that was even
remotely a problem
ain't there anymore.
Trust me.
And then these people here...
they saw what you just did here.
You ain't got a problem here
either... feel me?
right there... one shot.
These people get smart,
flip it over... whap!
That's it.
It's got a good spread."
So I'm, like, laughing
my ass off.
I'm like, "Dude, look.
I just wanna sh**t the guy.
I don't want to have to do
a bunch of drywall work.
You know?
Reframe my diploma.
Get my parakeet another friend.
You know?
I just wanna sh**t the guy."
So I'm like, "You know,
how 'bout one of these pistols?"
So he does, like,
that classic, like,
that redneck
trailing off thing
like, "All right,
you want a p*stol,
go ahead
and get a p*stol...
What do I know?
I just been here 20 years.
Get a shiny one, right?"
So I was like, "What's wrong
with getting a p*stol?"
He goes, "I'll tell you why,
buddy.
'Cause life...
Life ain't a movie.
You feel me?"
I'm like, "No,
can you please stop speaking
in these backwoods riddles?
Can you just say
what you're saying?
I told you I don't know
shit about g*ns.
Come on,
do me a solid here."
He goes, "Look, you ever
watch a movie,
guy goes blaw, blaw, blaw...
he kills three people.
Real life, man, you miss.
You miss
all the f*cking time.
You miss enough times, man,
you're empty.
Might as well
juts be standing there
with a big stapler
in your hand.
Then what ya gonna do?"
I was like, "Well, f*ck it.
Let's get the shotgun."
He's all ready
to box the thing up,
and then I'm like,
"Wait a minute."
I live with my girl.
I can't just show up
with a shotgun, right?
That's not some shit
you can just come home with.
If I found this stool
on the side of the road,
I can come home with this.
Look at it!
We can refinish it.
We can carve our initials in it.
We can have a good time,
right?
I can't just show up
with a shotgun.
"Hey, I got it for us!"
Right?
One barrel for you,
one for me. No.
So she kiboshes
the whole thing.
Till the other night
somebody broke into our car
sitting in the driveway.
Starts f*cking with
her head, right?
So she starts reading up
on g*ns, you know?
But she's reading too much,
'cause now she wants to get one,
but she's just like,
"Well, I heard
you gotta keep the b*ll*ts
in a safe,
keep the stock
in the garage."
And then what?
Then what,
I run around the house
and assemble it
as some dude's chasing me
with an ax, you know?
Are you even thinking
this thing through, sweetheart?
Running around.
"Where... where's the scope?"
"It's in the living room."
"He's in the living room!"
No, if we're getting
this thing,
I want that f*cking thing
loaded
right on the bedroom wall,
right there.
I'll put that thing
in my jam-jam sleeves.
Whoof! just like that.
There's no other point.
It's funny, though,
when you talk about
getting a g*n, you know?
People, like, they're either
totally for it
or completely against it,
you know?
They either go nuts
and start screaming, right?
Or they start throwing out
those stats:
"You know, actually,
you increase your chances
of getting shot by 80%
the second
you get a g*n in the house."
Really? What, 'cause I'm gonna
load it and shower with it,
like...
uhh... uh... uhh...
The f*ck?
I know it's dangerous.
You get a pool
in your backyard,
you immediately increase
your odds of drowning
in your backyard, right?
You couldn't do that before.
Now you step on a rake,
in you go!
No, I'm telling you,
I don't buy into
any of that shit.
Stats are so
f*cking stupid, you know?
Not that they're stupid.
It's the way people apply 'em.
You already have
your mind made up,
and then you go to
i'mright.com,
you start memorizing
a bunch of shit,
then you just... blaaah!
Just throw it up at people.
This guy tried to get me
to go scuba diving.
I go, "I'm not going.
I don't wanna get eaten
by a shark."
He's like, "Well, actually,
actually happen
in shallow water."
It's like, no shit.
That's where the people are.
You know?
It's called the beach.
along the coastline.
It's not like there's people
swimming to Europe.
"Let's go to Iceland,
you pussies!"
Right?
I don't know.
But I actually like
Los Angeles.
One of the few east coast
people that likes it.
All my moron New York friends
and Boston friends,
they come out there,
try to get a good slice of pizza
at 4:00 in the morning.
And they can't.
Like, "This f*cking place sucks!
It's not like exactly
where I left.
What's the point
of traveling
if it's gonna be different?"
That's so f*cking stupid.
Get a burrito
and go on a hike.
What's wrong with you?
You gonna go to Hawaii...
"There's no pond hockey!
This place sucks!"
I got to admit,
the only thing that freaks
me out about Los Angeles
is all the plastic surgery.
I don't get it.
Why do people get
plastic surgery, you know?
Why can't you just admit
it's over?
You know?
You had your time.
Stop trying to look fuckable
in your 50s.
It's weird!
With their faces yanked back...
Looking all shiny, right?
Not to mention they haven't even
figured it out, you know?
Why would you get
a face-lift?
Can't you look
at other face-lifts
and realize they haven't
worked all the bugs out yet?
That's what
you wanna look like?
Like you just lost a fight
three days ago?
Don't be a hero.
Let somebody else go in there...
Take the f*cking beach.
You lay back...
Wait it out.
They're just lying to people.
"No, no, it looks great.
Looks great.
Put a little ice on it,
we'll see you
in a couple of weeks.
All right, take it easy.
Jesus Christ!
What the f*ck happened?
We followed every step.
Did we miss something?
Oh, hey, hey, hey!
Oh, here's your keys.
Here's your keys.
There you go, there you go.
Almost didn't recognize you,
you look so young.
All right, take it easy.
She gone?
All right, she's gone.
Shred everything.
Shred it!"
No, you're nuts.
You wait it out.
Let 'em figure it out,
then you f*cking go in.
Don't be a g*dd*mn hero,
you know?
Look at hair plugs.
Hair plugs don't look
half bad now.
Saw this guy
the other night on TV.
He's like, "Oh, god, I wish
I did this ten years ago."
It's like,
no, you don't!
Ten years ago, when they
were stapling ant legs
to the tops of people's heads?
Remember that?
Your eyes would water
looking at their hairline...
like, "Is that sewn in?
I see pine tar!"
They used to put you
in, like, a headlock.
"Hold still!"
Use, like, a nail g*n.
"Hold still!"
Guys would tap out
after a row and a half.
"f*ck it!
I don't give a shit!"
You wish you got hair plugs
ten years ago.
Do you wish you got polio
What else is on
your wish list, sir?
No, you don't f*ck
with your face... Okay?
I understand liposuction.
They screw that up,
you can put on a shirt, right?
There's no shirt
for your face.
Who do they think
they're fooling
with their stupid...
You know?
And then
you lie to yourself:
"I'm just gonna do a little...
just gonna do this.
Just gonna have this done."
No, you're not. You're not.
What, are you just gonna
wax the Fender on your car
then that's it, and the rest
of it looks all shitty?
"Well, maybe I'll just
do the hood.
And maybe I'll do the back."
That's how it happens.
Then you look like one of
those real housewives...
Face all twisted up.
f*cking idiots.
"Hey, do I look... "
[laughter]
yeah, they're idiots!
"Do I look like
I'm in my 20s?"
No, you look weird.
You look f*cking weird.
You still look like
you're in your 50s.
I just can't guess
what year anymore
because I've never
seen that year.
I've never seen
that shiny f*cking look.
It's almost like you discovered
a new age
between 52 and 53.
Yeah.
People, there's nothing wrong
with being 52
and looking 52, all right?
You're 52.
You didn't get f*cked.
[Applause]
Yeah.
What would you rather be...
or be 52 and look like
a 28-year-old lizard?
All right?
That's your options
at this point.
[Laughs]
You know what's really...
like actually embarrassing
is that the face-lift...
that's predominately
a white problem.
Have you noticed that?
I've never seen a black person
with a face-lift ever
other than like
the Jacksons.
But they're all
out of their minds, right?
'Cause their dad made 'em
rehearse all day
and sleep
in the fireplace.
Like jamming all nine...
"Get in there,
you bastards!"
No hugs, no kisses.
His face permanently
twisted up
from 50 years of screaming,
"Sing, m*therf*cker!"
It's understandable
with them.
[Laughs]
Hey, do you know why so many
whities need face-lifts?
I love that word.
I'm trying to bring it back.
I love it, it's funny.
Whitey!
You know why?
Do you know why so many
caucasians need face-lifts?
'Cause we don't know
about lotion.
See that?
Only half of you laughed.
That should've been
everybody.
Yeah, but a lot of you were
sitting there like, "Well...
What about lotion?
"What is this lotion
you speak of,
and what is the magic
therein?"
Just to put it out there,
you can use lotion
on other parts of your body
besides your d*ck.
Yeah.
If you ever wondered why
your d*ck still looks brand-new
but the rest of you is starting
to look like an aging pirate,
it's 'cause you need
to increase the circumference
of the lotion distribution.
All right?
You got skin everywhere.
Go home.
Check yourself out.
The bottom of your feet
look like
a prehistoric riverbed.
That's not part of
the natural aging process.
You're dried out.
I'm not judging you.
Not judging anybody.
I didn't know anything
about lotion.
Never used it the first
Never used it.
Till one night I was going out
with this black girl, right?
She was getting ready,
and she was just putting
that shit on everywhere.
Just slathering it on.
I thought she had, like,
a rash or something.
I'm like, "What, do you got,
like, poison Ivy?
What's going on with you?"
She goes, "No, I'm just
making sure I'm not ashy."
I said, "Ashy?"
She goes, "Dry skin."
And I went, "Oh!"
I guess I freaked her out
a little bit,
'cause I was like,
"Oh!"
She was like, "Well,
white people get ashy too."
I was like, "Yeah, you know,
I don't think we do."
[Laughter]
"Yeah, I been alive
for 33 years.
No one has ever said,
'Hey, Bill,
you're looking
a little ashy.'
I never even heard that word
until you said it."
She's like, "You're an idiot.
Stick out your arm."
So I stick out my arm,
and ever so gently,
she just drags her nails down.
This smoke starts coming up.
It's like pastry flakes
flying off.
Track marks.
She's signing her name.
She's like, "You see that?"
She goes, "That's ashy.
You're ashy."
Freaked me out.
I'm like, "Holy shit, I'm ashy!"
I didn't know anything
about it.
All I knew was that I always
got itchy in the winter.
Couldn't figure it out.
Always got itchy in the winter.
Why the f*ck do I get itchy?
I thought it meant
the bath towel was dirty.
That's what I thought.
And I would change it out
and put a fresh one.
"Now I'm gonna be okay."
Take a shower.
Dry off.
f*cking itching again.
God damn it,
I hate the winter.
See, that's why you gotta
hang out with everybody.
[Laughter]
Yeah.
There's too much information
in the world,
and every group of people
misses a little bit.
White people totally missed
the lotion seminar
at some point in history.
I don't know if it's 'cause
we can't see it, you know?
Black people get ashy,
it like looks like
they, like, leaned up against
a chalkboard or something,
you know?
They can see it!
They miss it,
their friends help 'em out.
Like, "Look at your ashy
m*therf*cking elbow!
What is wrong with you?"
Right?
[Applause]
We missed that shit the way
black people missed the whole
register your weapons
summit.
Right?
Just never got
the information.
The amount of rappers
who've been busted
for the unregistered glock
in the car
just blows my mind.
It's like, why would you
do that to yourself?
Do you just wanna make
an album over the phone?
Is that what it is?
Is that, like, the new auto-tune
or some shit?
I don't know.
It breaks my heart
every time I see it.
I just think, "God, if he
just had one white friend...
If he just had one white friend
in his entourage..."
Dude would have been sitting
there going like,
"Is that thing registered?
You outta your mind?
Dude, get it outta there.
Get it outta there.
Yeah, it's illegal!
That's, like, f*cking
three to five, mandatory!
Dude, how do you
not know that?
That's the question.
How do you not
f*cking know that?
This guy's got an unregistered
w*apon in the car,
and we're just gonna
go driving around with it.
It's just...
it's just ridiculous!"
[Laughter]
So see?
There ya go, all right?
You don't need
a face-lift, okay?
Lay off the booze.
Do some cardio.
Moisturize.
You're gonna be fine.
Okay?
Don't believe in these myths.
Black don't crack.
It's bullshit.
They all put lotion on,
like, every 20 minutes
during the day.
It's ridiculous!
They all got a giant
oil drum with the shit at home.
Every morning, they wake up,
they dunk themselves in it,
shake themselves off,
and walk out the door
absolutely glistening!
Glistening!
White guys like me
are walking around, no hat on...
"Uh, let's go sailing!"
Passing out facedown
in the sand.
[Laughs]
Speaking of no boozing, man,
I been really trying
to clean up my act
as far as
that boozing thing goes.
Just really been laying
off it, you know?
I don't know what it is.
Your f*cking head gets big
as you get older, you know?
You keep boozing,
you start getting
that big Alec Baldwin /
John Travolta head.
And you don't notice though,
'cause every day,
you're brushing your teeth
and you're seeing your head,
and it's just getting
a little bit bigger.
Keep drinking.
"I'll have another one" right?
Then one day you go to take
that cell phone picture,
and you're just, like, 6 inches
in front of everybody else.
You don't think
it's a big deal.
Maybe you leaned in, 'cause
you're feeling good, right?
Then all of a sudden,
you look at the picture.
It's like, "f*cking yeah!
Whoo!"
It's like, "I gotta
lay off this shit."
So I've been
trying to learn...
learn how to fix shit
around the house.
That's what's filling up
all this time
of just being sober.
That's brutal, dude.
You have no idea how long a year
is until you're stone sober.
It's f*cking brutal.
So I'm learning
how to fix shit, right?
My girlfriend doesn't like it
'cause she says I have a temper,
you know?
She's like, "You know,
it's just not that
you're trying to fix things,
it's that you get frustrated,
you punch the wall,
the dog starts shaking.
I just don't think
it's a good idea.
You know, you're a comedian.
You should tell jokes.
He's a plumber.
He should plumb, right?"
[Laughs]
I'm trying to explain to her
that losing your shit
is part of the process
of fixing something, right?
Everybody does that.
[Applause]
Right? Yeah!
You buy something at Ikea.
You get halfway through
putting it together.
You're like, "Dude, where
the f*ck is the f*cking...
oh, there it is.
There it is.
There it is.
Honey, I didn't see it.
I didn't see it!
Why, you wanna put it
together?
You wanna...
well, then you put it together.
You put together this f*cking
particle board
piece of f*cking shit.
These instructions
make no sense!
I will buy another one!
I will buy another one.
I'll buy f*cking five
and smash four if I want to.
Don't tell me what to do!
Oh, go to your mother's.
I don't give a shit.
Jesus Ch... yeah,
what story you gonna tell?
This one, right?
Not the part about
how I pay
all the f*cking bills, right?
How was that uncalled for?
How was that uncalled for?
I wasn't even talking
to you!
I was talking
to the f*cking thing!
I was talking
to the f*cking thing!
I know what I said.
I know what I said, okay?
You don't need to tell me.
I know what I said, yes.
I am working on it.
I am working on it, all right?
Look... look, you think
I wanna be this guy?
You think I wanna be the guy
who flips out
about the f*cking tables?
I don't, okay?
This isn't who I am.
This is who I became, all right?
I'm working through
this shit.
You didn't have to speak...
well, you do shit too, okay?
You do shit too.
Well, I thought you were
going to your mother's!"
[Laughter]
No, it's brutal.
I hate having a temper, man.
It's f*cking embarrassing.
You know?
I don't know.
I'm sick of women trying...
every girl I ever date's
always trying to fix me.
Gets annoying
after a while, you know?
Like you're not out of your mind
with all your f*cking shoes?
Right?
What is that all about?
I'm sick of this hypothetical
perfect guy.
Go get him.
Go down to Applebee's,
let me know what you find.
Okay? I've had it.
I'm working, I'm trying.
You go down and you get this
"Mr. even-keeled all the time"
with his little f*cking
sport coat, right?
You live with that guy
for a while, you know?
"Hey, honey, I'm home.
How are ya?
Traffic was crazy.
Almost lost it,
but thank god
I had that book on tape, right?
Gulliver's travels.
Always a classic.
Always a classic."
That's the guy you want,
straight across the board?
Even in the bedroom, right?
Always making love to you
missionary style.
"I love you.
Your hair is like an ocean."
Never knowing you like to be
flipped over
and have your face mushed
into the pillows,
you f*cking psycho, right?
[Laughs]
Naw, she's right.
She's always right.
I do, I gotta work on it.
I hate having a temper,
you know?
I don't know
if it's hereditary.
I don't know if it's part of
the country I'm from.
I've always snapped,
you know?
My dad was like that.
My dad's the greatest dude
I ever met in my life,
and he had a temper.
Anytime anything
broke in the house,
five minutes into fixing it,
he was bitching
about his marriage.
[Laughs]
It was hilarious.
He'd see something broke...
"Oh, Christ,
will you look at that?
g*dd*mn it, Billy,
gimme that f*cking screwdriver.
I swear to god,
I don't know what the f*ck
I ever got married for.
of this shit.
You're a bitch, lady!
You been a bitch for years.
Give me the pliers.
Yeah, most guys
would've left by now!
Most guys would've
left by now!"
[Laughs]
That was one of his
catchphrases:
"Most guys would've
left by now"
and "You don't know how
f*cking good you got it, lady!"
[Laughter]
Yeah, when I was a kid,
I thought he was nuts.
Then I got older, you know,
started dating.
I realized, "Eh, this guy's
making a lotta good points."
[Laughter, applause]
"He's not expressing them
in the healthiest of ways."
I gotta be honest with you.
I'm kinda, like, jealous
of the way
my dad gets to talk
to my mom sometimes, you know?
Where are all those
old-school women
you can just take your day
out on, you know?
When did they stop making
those angels
who just knew it had
nothing to do with them.
They'd just sit there, let you
blow out the lines, right?
What a luxury... Right?
To fail all day,
you come home and download
all your insecurities
on this other person.
"How was your day?"
"How the f*ck was your day?
I'm out here
making decisions!
Take these kids away from me.
Get me a g*dd*mn drink.
Oh, with the tears!"
[Laughs]
Then the bra-burning
generation came in, right?
Now you gotta sit there
and listen to their stories
all the time.
Oh, it's the worst.
You know what's the worst?
Is when they're telling you
a story and you wanna listen,
but just what
they're talking about,
you can't even retain it.
"So I was supposed to go out
to lunch with Jennifer.
I'm all ready to do that.
I show up.
She's there with Susan.
She knows I hate Susan.
I look like shit.
Susan's been going
to the gym."
I mean, at that point,
your head is like
a newborn baby.
You're trying to...
Trying to hold it up,
you know?
You can't! Even if you try
to pay attention, you can't.
You just start staring
at their mouth after a while,
like, "I can't believe
it keeps coming out.
This is f*cking
unbelievable."
Like, "rrhh-rrhh-rrhh
rrhh-rrhh-rrhh."
It starts fading off...
"Eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh..."
You start thinking about
your own life, right?
"Why'd I take Nebraska
giving 28?
What the f*ck is wrong with me?
It's an away game."
All of a sudden,
her voice goes "eehh-eehh... "
it goes up, all right?
"Eehh-eehh-eet."
Like, "Aw, f*ck.
That was a question."
[Laughter, applause]
All right,
now what do you do?
Can't say yes.
You can't say no.
You gotta come
with something neutral.
"Eh, what the f*ck
you gonna do?
What are ya gonna do?
It is what it is.
You put one foot
in front of the other,
and, uh..."
Halftime adjustments.
Uh... Got nothing.
[Laughs]
No. I don't wanna make my dad
out like a psycho.
My dad's the best dude
I know, man.
But you know,
I understand him, though.
He's like the exact
opposite of me, you know?
I planned out my life
a little more, right?
That's why I never got married.
Never thought about
getting married.
It just looked horrific.
It looked really difficult.
It looked like
a lot of 'em failed.
Then if you had a kid,
you had that whole weird
situation, right?
You got this thing
that half looks like you,
half looks like somebody
you used to love
and now wanna slap
the shit out of, right?
Kid's coming up to the walk.
You're like, "Son, just look
to the right a little.
Let me just kinda... "
"But, dad, I wanna look at ya."
[Laughs]
It's brutal!
My dad was the exact opposite.
Fell in love, got married,
just started having kids.
Had five kids
by the time he was 33.
Pre-Oprah, pre-Dr. Phil,
pre- chicken soup for
the "Holy f*ck,
I got five kids.
I don't even know
who I am yet."
The pressure of that,
feeding all those kids, man.
I'm telling you.
Every three or four days,
he would just snap.
Just snap outta nowhere,
you know?
"Can you pass the salt?"
"Ah, you f*cking bitch!
What the f*ck did I get married
for, it's bullshit!"
Boom! he'd slam the door,
have the car in third gear
by the time he got it
to the end of the driveway.
Buh-buh-bah-bah!
My mother would always do
the exact same shit.
Just lock the door behind him,
turn around,
look at the kids,
and just be like...
"Sss. eesh!"
[Laughter]
"Now, he's just crazy.
He's just a crazy person.
What is wrong with him?"
Eight hours later,
he'd show up.
No apology.
She'd have dinner ready.
She messed it up,
he'd give her a rough time.
"Christ, you cooked
the shit out of it!"
[Laughs]
I don't know.
I think I'll be
a good dad, though.
You know?
[Laughter]
I do.
[Laughs]
No, analyze it.
Actually, it's finally
come to the point,
I wanna have a kid,
and I don't think
it's that hard.
I don't.
Part of me really believes that,
and the other part is
I just like pissing off people
with kids, you know?
Whenever you say
shit like that...
"Dude, you have no idea
how difficult it is!"
This is a great one to say.
"Well, I mean, I got a dog,
I mean... You know?
How much diff... "
"Dude, you can't even f*cking
compare it to a dog!"
"Yeah, I can.
I just did,
and I'll do it again.
Mine's got four legs.
Yours only has two.
Go ahead.
Yours bites someone,
it gets a time out.
Mine gets put down.
Stakes are raised."
No, I think I know.
I think I know
how to raise a kid.
You know what it is?
You just play catch with 'em.
I think that's the big deal.
That's how you raise a kid.
You play catch with 'em.
And you just talk about life.
You distract 'em
by throwing the ball.
They don't even notice
you're filling their heads up
with your theories.
Right?
You don't do it
the old-school way
the way your parents used to.
Sit down across from you...
"You wanna tell me
about your day?
Did anybody offer you
any dr*gs?
You learning about sex?"
You're like, "Dude, you're
f*cking freaking me out!
Trying to eat
a pop-tart here" right?
No, you just take him
in the back.
You play catch with him.
That's it.
You talk about life, right?
"What's that, son?
Ah, we're not
going to church today.
f*ck that.
Ah, it's all
a bunch of bullshit.
God's everywhere, but I gotta
go down there to see him?
Really? And he's mad at me
down there,
and I owe ya money?
Go f*ck yourself.
That's stupid.
It's ridiculous.
It's in here, all right?
It's not down...
it's in here.
They try to take it.
It's in here.
You do something good,
you feel good.
You do something bad,
you feel bad, you know?
Unless you're, like,
a sociopath,
then you don't feel shit,
you know?
Unless you got somebody
duct-taped upside down
in your apartment,
you know?
If you do something
like that,
I want you to feel like
you can come to me, you know?
Yeah, come to me.
Confess all of that.
We'll go down to the precinct.
We'll tell them everything.
Yeah, I'm gonna turn you in.
This isn't f*cking Dexter.
What are you,
out of your mind?
Gonna have some feel-good
serial k*ller walking around.
He only kills
the bad people."
[Laughter]
"Listen, I know
your mother and I,
we've been arguing
a lot lately, all right?
But you know I love her.
I love her to death, okay?
It's weird.
I love her to death,
but when I watch her eat toast,
just wanna...
I just wanna choke her.
I don't know what it is.
It's the routine...
right, left, then the middle.
Why don't you just fold it
in half and f*cking eat it?
You know what I mean?
It's unreal, you know?
That's when you know, you know,
you met the right one.
When you wanna slap the shit
out of them, but you don't.
You know?
You wanna leave, but you don't.
There's something about 'em...
You just can't f*cking leave.
Right?
So don't settle down
till you meet one like that.
That's when you know.
Till then, you don't put
a condom on, you know?
Just bang as many
as you can
so you don't have
a midlife crisis.
That's what you do.
Don't tell your mother
I'm telling you
any of this shit either."
[Laughing]
[Cheers and applause]
Yeah.
That's my, uh...
That's my game plan.
You know,
I do have a dog.
That doesn't count
for anything?
Never understood that,
you know?
I love my dog, but, uh...
I've learned a lot being
a dog owner, man, you know?
Any dog's a good dog
unless you're a psycho.
You know?
I got a pit bull.
It's still a great dog,
unless you're a f*cking psycho.
And evidently,
I'm a psycho,
because my dog has been...
just been a complete maniac
over the last, like,
six months, you know?
I didn't realize that dogs
feed off your vibes, you know?
Like if you're chillin',
they're chillin', you know?
If you're sleeping,
they're sleeping.
But if you're
a psycho like me
and you're screaming
at the ref on TV,
being like, "Dude, you gotta be
f*cking kidding me!"
I didn't realize the dog
was over in the corner
being like, "Yeah,
you gotta be f*cking kidding me.
This is bullshit!
I don't know what
this guy's mad at,
but I love this guy!
This guy feeds me...
Is it the door?
Are ya mad at the door?"
[Laughter]
Yeah. I had no idea
I was amping this dog up.
I'm so selfishly
in my own world.
I'd be like on the computer,
it'd crash.
"Oh, really? Really?!"
Dog's over in the corner
with, like, a chew toy.
[Growling]
I never noticed,
like, that game-seven look
she was gettin' on her face.
And one day,
I amped her up too much,
had no clue,
and I went outside.
We were just walking
down the street,
and some poor bastard
comes the other way
and the dog's like,
That's that m*therf*cker!
Aaaahhh!"
Lunges at this guy!
I had to pull her back.
I'm like, "Dude, I'm sorry, man,
I'm sorry.
She's never done
anything like that" right?
Looking down at the dog like,
"What's wrong with you?"
Dog's looking up at me
like, "Huh?
I got that son of a bitch,
didn't I?
I love you!
You feed me. I got you.
How the hell did you see him
that far away, man?
Your ears must be better
than mine... it's unbelievable."
Right?
Then I got nervous.
I got nervous around my own dog.
I started thinking, "f*ck,
are pit bulls really like this?
Do they just go psycho?
Man, this is nuts" right?
That's another bad vibe
to have around your dog,
'cause they pick up
on that vibe, right?
This dude comes walking
down the street,
and I immediately just start
thinking like, "Oh, shit,
she gonna do it again?
Oh, shit, oh, shit."
Dog just looks at me like,
"Oh, shit, what?
Oh, shit, what? Him?
Him, him?
Rrraaaah!"
Runs at another guy.
Gotta pull her back.
"Jesus Christ, I'm sorry!"
Looking down at the dog.
Dog's trying to chest bump me
and shit, right?
Dude, it got so bad one day,
she almost ate
a landscaper, right?
Yeah! so I'm like, "I gotta take
this thing to a trainer, man."
So I load it up in the Prius
and I drive over there, right?
[Laughter]
Yeah, I have a Prius.
Go ahead, judge me.
I love that shit.
If you have a Prius, people...
you know?
You can't win.
You got a truck
with a big lift kit...
people, "Oh, it's probably
'cause he has a little d*ck."
How come it's not 'cause he
has a d*ck down to the floor?
Maybe that's why he needs
all that clearance, right?
[Laughter]
You know?
[Laughs]
And if that means you have
a little d*ck,
then if I have a Prius,
doesn't that mean
I have a huge d*ck, right?
'Cause according to my friends,
it means I'm a f*g, right?
Anyways...
Let me towel off here
for a moment.
So I f*cking take
this dog down
to this trainer, right?
And I show up,
got the dog in the back.
Trainer comes out.
He's got his hat on backwards,
he's got stubble, you know?
Big, large cargo pants,
you know?
All shorts on and stuff
and I'm thinking,
"This guy's a psycho"
right?
And I look at my dog,
my dog's, like, sizing him up.
I'm like, "This is perfect.
He can handle her."
So the guy goes, "All right,
when you hand this dog to me,
make sure you got the leash
totally taut like that,
all right?
Don't have any slack in it."
I said, "No problem"
right?
And somehow I f*cked up.
I left a little slack in it,
and this dog just lunged
right at the dude's balls.
Right?
And just barely missed him
and just got a big mouthful
of his big cargo shorts, right?
And immediately
he just grabs her and goes,
"All right, get outta here!
Get outta here!" Right?
But instinctually,
I tried to help out.
He just goes,
"Get the f*ck outta here!"
Yeah, I didn't realize
that the only reason why the dog
was acting like that
was because I was there
and it felt like
it needed to protect me.
So the second I left,
the situation immediately
just became awkward, right?
Dog was just
sitting there like,
[valley accent]
"Okay, like I thought were,
like, together
and we were, like, friends,
and you were some bad guy,
and all of a sudden,
he just drove away,
and I don't know how
to feed myself.
You wanna be friends?"
Yeah, I come back
four days later.
The dog's laying
at the guy's feet, right?
He's rubbing her belly.
She's reaching up, playing
with his goatee and shit.
And he goes,
"Go ahead, have a seat.
Why don't you, uh, take me
through your day with this dog."
Immediately, I started getting,
like, this first 48 vibe, right?
Like they're coming at me.
So I got like defensive.
I'm like, "What do you mean?
I take it for a hike
every morning."
He goes, "That's good.
That's good.
Anything, you know,
special happen on the hike?"
I'm like, "Well, I don't know.
She takes a shit.
I pick it up."
He's like,
"All right. Easy.
You play any games with her?"
I go, "Yeah, at the end
of the hike.
I let her, you know, for reward
for going on the hike,
I let her run up the stairs
by herself.
I go, 'Go on, Cleo!'
I let her run up the stairs,
and I count 5-1,000,
and then I run up there,
and then we start wrestling.
Put her in a headlock.
Sweep her front legs.
Haaaah! Right?
But her tail's wagging,
you know?
She's not growling."
I go, "That's a good thing,
right?"
He's like,
"No, it's f*cking horrible."
I'm like, "Why?"
He goes,
"You just taught your dog
to claim the house
and then fight for it
every f*cking day
after the hike.
No wonder this thing's
trying to attack the mailman,
you know?"
So then I got upset.
I'm like, "Wait a minute, dude,
you're telling me, like,
I can't even play with my dog?"
He's like,
"No, you can play with it,
but you gotta bring
that energy back down.
The problem is you keep
amping this thing up,
getting that Mike singletary
look on his face.
Then by the time
you walk out,
doesn't matter
if you're relaxed...
mentally, the dog is like
walking through the tunnel
at the Rose bowl like,
'this is what we play for!
somebody hit somebody!'"
Yeah, so I'm actually learning
to control my temper
because of
a f*cking pit bull.
So... I don't know.
My girl's
been bugging me lately.
She's ready to settle down.
I think I'm ready
to settle down, too, you know?
I got the want.
I know I been saying this shit
for years.
I have been, you know?
She's great.
The only thing I don't like
is she's really into reality TV.
She watches
all those dumb shows.
Put ten whores in a house,
somebody tries to find a wife.
Right?
She watches fat people cry
about fudgsicles.
Just blubbering
their eyes out.
"Sometimes I don't even
open the wrapper.
I just start eating,
and then I get
down to the stick,
and I know I should stop
'cause it's made out of wood."
She sits there crying
right along with 'em.
Ah, throw yourself in the river,
you fat f*ck.
Ah, she gets so mad at me.
Look, I don't put on TV
to cry.
I like to be entertained.
I love when they fall
on the treadmill
and go flying
into the drywall.
It's like some modern-day
medieval w*apon!
I love it!
All those horrific shows.
Biggest fights we have,
she watches, uh, intervention.
- Yeah.
- That's, uh... you like that?
"Oh, my god, it's so awesome
watching a family
completely fall apart."
[Laughs]
What is entertaining
about that?
When they have that classic
before picture,
the pre-meth picture...
"She was so beautiful.
She was the prom queen.
Everybody loved her."
Then they cut to her, like,
laying in, like, a gutter...
"I'll suck your d*ck.
I'll suck your d*ck.
I'll suck your d*ck."
[Laughs]
No, we have these
huge battles.
You know what the maddest
she ever got at me was?
One time she was watching
this show.
It was like a poor excuse
for The View,
and they started talking about
domestic v*olence, right?
For the 9 millionth time
this year,
they're talking about
domestic v*olence.
Just in case, you know, you
didn't get the memo, you know?
Evidently, you know, just some
people didn't get it.
It's not okay to slam
your wife's head
into the cupboard drawers
because she didn't
dry the can opener off properly,
you know?
"It's gonna f*ckin' rust!"
Right?
How do you not know
not to do that shit?
Do they really have to
keep talking about it?
Who... who... it's like
wife beaters are watching...
"Oh! f*ck! Ah!
"Now I get it.
Upsy-Daisy, sweetheart.
Here we go.
There ya go. Oh..."
So at the end of the hour,
they come to
the logical conclusion.
They're like, [effeminately]
"There is no reason
to hit a woman.
There is no reason
to hit a woman."
And I was just like,
"Really?
I could give you, like, 17
right off the top of my head.
You could wake me
from a drunken stupor,
I could still give you,
like, nine!"
Dude, there's plenty
of reasons to hit a woman,
you just don't do it.
But to sit there and suggest
that there's no reason...
Dude, the level of ego
behind that statement...
What are you, levitating
above the rest of us?
You're never annoying?
Women, how many times
have you thought about
slapping your f*cking guy
in the head this week?
- Every day!
- There ya go!
Every day.
[Applause]
You didn't do it, right?
Oh, dude, it drives me nuts.
"There's no reason.
There's no reason."
Really? No reason?
How 'bout this?
You marry a girl,
you fall in love,
you buy her a house.
You go to work every day,
paying off the house.
You come home one day,
she's banging
the next-door neighbor,
hands you divorce papers.
You gotta move out,
sleep on a futon,
and still pay for that house
that she's gonna stay in.
No reason?
[Laughter]
I'm not saying
you should do it,
but there's plenty
of f*cking reasons
in that arc of a story.
All right,
that was a hypothetical.
You want an actual story?
I'll give you one.
I'll give you one.
All right, I f*cked up my foot
playing drums,
trying to get my bass-drum foot
as fast as John Bonham's,
'cause I figure that's
a good thing to focus on.
never married, no kids.
I figure this is gonna
lead me to the light, right?
This is what I need to do.
[Applause]
So I don't know what I did.
I felt like...
I played for, like, an hour,
and afterwards
I felt like, literally,
like there was some midget
stabbing me in the bottom
of my foot, right?
Like I had lightning coming out
of the bottom of my foot.
So I did the typical
guy thing:
"I'm not going to the hospital.
I'll sleep it off.
I'll be fine" right?
Next morning, I wake up,
my foot's even worse
and I gotta walk
my crazy dog.
So I'm like, "I can't do it.
My foot's k*lling me."
So I wake up my girl.
I go, "Wweetheart, sweetheart.
Can you do me a favor?
Can you do me a favor?
Can you walk the dog for me?
Can you just take the shift?
I'll do your afternoon shift.
Can you just do me this solid?
Can you do this for me?"
She's just like, "Ohh...
You know, I had
a late night last night.
I'm tired.
I have a big day."
And I just go, "f*ck it."
She goes,
"What do you mean, 'f*ck it'?"
It's like, "Why can't you
just say no?
Why do you always gotta,
like, waterboard me
with, like,
a 20-minute explanation
that eventually winds its way
around to 'go f*ck yourself'?
Just say no!"
So I'm just limping
out of the room.
"Whatever. Go back to bed.
You got a big day, right?"
So now I'm, like,
limping down the street.
I got, like, tourette's.
"f*cking g*dd*mn bullshit!"
Dog's walking next to me...
"Bbbrrr! Rrrr! Brrr! Rrrr!"
I gotta admit,
I got a little childish.
I did.
I got a little childish,
you know?
I was just thinking about
my relationship.
I'm like, "This is
the relationship I'm in?
You're just gonna do whatever
the hell you wanna do,
all right, and f*ck me?
Fine. I'm gonna do
whatever the hell I wanna do.
I feel like listening to
my iPod on full blast
walking around the house.
That's what I'm gonna do."
So that's what I did.
Turned it all the way up,
and I just...
my whole plan was just
to walk by her
like I didn't even know her.
That was it.
She came down the hall.
I just ghosted her.
Just walked right past her.
Just trying to piss her off.
And I gotta tell you something,
worked like a charm.
Worked like a charm.
Yeah, hung my coat up,
turned around.
By the time I turned around,
she was already yelling at me.
But the music was so loud,
not only could I not hear her,
it actually looked like
she was singing the song
that I was listening to.
Oh! It's one of the highlights
of the relationship.
So I knew what
she was saying.
I was like, "Whatever.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Leave me alone.
I'm going on to the computer."
Right? So I limp over
and I sit down,
and unbeknownst to me
she's like, "No,
we're gonna talk about this
right now."
Comes up... poom! And slaps
the headphones off my head.
I got big ears.
It f*ckin' hurt!
So I'm like,
"Honey, leave me alone.
I don't wanna talk about it."
Put the headphones back on.
She comes right back up again.
Poom! slaps 'em off
a little harder.
This time, they spin
halfway around my head.
Caveman DNA
starts coming up.
Talking through my teeth.
"Honey, leave me alone.
Don't wanna talk about it."
Right?
Put 'em on.
Third time she comes up... poom!
Slaps 'em right across the room,
and I snap.
I'm like, "Fine,
you wanna have the fight,
let's f*cking have the fight."
She's like,
"We will discuss this later
when you calm down."
Oh! right there!
I just wanted to roll her up
in her yoga mat
and stuff her behind the couch.
Just leave her there
till she got thirsty.
"Come on, let me outta here.
I-I have a spin class.
You've made your point.
This is ridiculous."
No, that's the thing.
Really is.
That's the thing.
I hate that,
saying there's no reason.
Obviously, I'm not saying
to hit a woman, you know?
But saying there's no reason,
I think that's crazy.
[Laughter]
When you say there's no reason,
that kills any sort of
examination
as to how two people
ended up at that place.
If you say there's no reason...
whooh... you cut out the buildup,
you're just left with
the act.
How are you gonna solve it
if you don't figure it out?
Look how awkward it is
in here right now.
[Cheers and applause]
I said you shouldn't
hit a woman.
I'm just saying, how come
you can't ask questions?
You can only ask questions
about what the guy did.
You can never ask
about the woman.
Why is that?
Why is that?
What is that?
Answer him right.
What does
"Answer him right" mean?
What does that mean?
Are you the idiot who got up
halfway through the special,
during the bit, and you're,
like, walking around
like I'm not f*cking
taping a special here?
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?
[Applause]
f*cking had to ignore
all of that,
and now you're gonna,
like, yell out,
and not only that,
yell something that makes
no f*cking sense whatsoever?
"Answer him.
Answer him."
[Scattered tittering]
Every f*cking special I do,
there's always one!
Always, right down
the f*ckin' middle.
Talking about
hitting women, sweetheart,
and I think you just added
another reason.
[Cheers and applause]
Jesus f*cking Christ.
I love this.
I'm not even in
a relationship with her,
and she's f*cking
nagging me.
[Laughter]
f*cking unbeliev...
"uhhh uhhhh ehhh ehhh ah!"
[Scattered laughter]
Look, I understand hitting
a woman's a bad thing, okay?
How come you can't
f*cking ask questions?
I just don't understand.
Like, if I get bit
by a rattlesnake,
wouldn't you guys
have some questions, right?
"How did it happen?
Did you not see it?
Were ya f*ckin' with it?
How did a snake get so mad,
it almost k*lled ya?"
Firemen put out a fire,
they don't just
drive away afterwards.
They sift through the debris.
"How did it start?
Here's an oily rag."
Right?
Look, I realize I'm coming off
pretty ignorant right about now.
I realize that.
Let me extend
an olive branch then, okay?
I realize that there's some
animal guys out there, okay?
Horrible guys, you know,
have a rough day at the factory,
come home...
"Tuna casserole?"...
and just start swinging,
all right?
I'm not trying to say
that those people don't exist.
I realize they exist.
They should be buried
underneath the prison, okay?
So if I can admit that,
ladies, can you at least admit
that every ass-kicking
doesn't just fall out of
the f*cking sky?
Really?
Even hockey has two minutes
for instigating, right?
They understand that some
back and forth happened
before that shit...
you know?
You know what it is?
It's every case is handled
like that Rihanna one
where they just say
the guy's a piece of shit,
f*ck this guy, blah blah blah,
send him to jail,
and then they never ask
anything about that.
You know, I'm not saying
he should have done it.
But I'm just saying...
I'm just saying!
Dude,
in your heart of hearts...
What do you think was going down
before that happened?
You think she was just
sitting there going,
"Oh, my god, Baskin Robbins.
You wanna get some ice cream?"
[Muttering]
"Ah... f*ckin'..."
You know?
Or do you think maybe
they were having
some epic end-of-
the-relationship fight
and some crazy shit
was being said.
Maybe she was screaming
in his ear
some crazy female shit like,
"I'll f*ck all your friends!
I don't give a f*ck!
Maybe that's why I sell more
albums than you, m*therf*cker!"
Right?
To be fair, she could have
just been sitting there going,
"I need a tissue... do you keep
those in the glove box?
Oh, my god, I'll bring my own!
I'll bring my own!"
No, f*ck that.
'Cause you know what it is?
They never address
how women argue,
which I think is a core
of a lot of that shit, you know?
And I gotta tell you
something, man.
Like, I never knew
how women argued,
but after 20 years of losing
every significant battle
in a relationship,
I finally figured out
how they argued,
and I'm gonna
tell you something.
I'm starting to turn
this franchise around.
[Laughs]
I have begun
a winning tradition.
This is how they argue,
as far as I can tell, all right?
If they're right,
they argue the point,
and they stay on point
and make sure you stay on point
until you're down on your knees
apologizing,
begging for forgiveness,
all right?
No problem with that.
Totally respect it.
But here's the thing...
if they're wrong,
they go rogue.
They go off-road.
They start thinking of shit
you're sensitive about,
maybe you don't get along
with your dad,
and in their head,
they just start concocting
this evil statement...
Totally designed.
This desperate,
hail-Mary attempt
to make you
so f*cking mad
you just call 'em a c**t.
It's what it is.
And c**t trumps
all the bullshit they did
to start the argument.
Now it's not about that...
"Well, that's no reason
to call me a c**t!"
And then that's it.
You're in this room now, right?
My girl knows
my big thing is...
my big fear in life
is to be that dude
who grows old, you know,
grows old alone,
has, like,
that basement apartment,
just screaming up
at the younger couple,
"Turn it down!
That isn't music!"
So I noticed that anytime
she was losing a fight,
out of nowhere
she'd just be like,
"Well, that's why you're just
gonna grow old and be alone"
and then I'd... aaaah!
I'd lose my shit.
The next thing you know,
I'm in the kitchen,
washing dishes for the ninth
f*cking time in a row.
This is what
the argument was about.
I was so right.
What happened?
So if you learn anything
from my ignorance tonight,
just know this...
next time you're in a battle
with your beautiful woman,
your wife, girlfriend, whatever,
and they start...
out of nowhere, okay?
You're winning,
and they just start saying
that crazy shit
out of nowhere.
Just know in that moment
you've won the fight, okay?
All right?
Don't get mad.
Bob and weave,
slip all of that shit.
"Maybe 'cause you got
a little d*ck!"
Just let that slide.
Stay in the pocket
of the argument.
Okay? it's over.
The argument is over.
You've won.
Just take a knee and run
out the clock, all right?
[Applause]
Yes!
Lean on the ropes.
Let 'em punch themselves out.
And then in the end,
you throw their psychology
right back at 'em.
"Well, maybe we should
discuss it later
when you calm down."
And they won't hook up with you
for a couple of days.
Who cares?
Who cares?
You rub one out.
Rub one out like a man.
It's the champagne of victory.
[Laughter and applause]
No, that's what I've learned.
I finally learned
to, like, keep my cool
in my relationship.
Happened a couple years ago,
right?
Me and my girl had this
big argument one day, right?
Actually, you guys
wanna hear a story?
You wanna hear about the time
my girl punched me in the face?
- Yeah!
- On her birthday?
Ya wanna hear that one?
[Audience whooping]
This is what happened.
To be... [Laughs]
If I'm really honest,
the fight started,
like, three months earlier.
It's, like,
the middle of march.
We're just driving around,
you know.
Since she sees
this clothing store,
she's like, "Oh, my god.
I didn't know they had
one of those out here!
We need to stop
and go in there."
So I... f*ck it.
Let's go in there.
I walk in, immediately I see
it's one of these stores
that doesn't have any chairs.
I know what
they're trying to do.
I'm gonna be standing
right next to her,
and when she likes something,
I gotta buy it.
I don't give a f*ck.
I'm not playing that.
I go over and I sit down
underneath a mannequin.
Got like the dress
hanging in my hair.
"Sir, you can't sit there."
"I don't give a f*ck.
Looks like I'm doing it.
Looks like I'm doing it, right?"
[Laughs]
So unbeknownst to me,
she finds some sweater
that she likes, right?
Some ridiculously priced...
like, 400 bucks
or some shit like that,
right?
So she knows...
It's not her birthday,
none of that crap.
She can't ask me for it.
So now she's gotta go
into manipulation mode.
"What do I use,
what do I use?
Do I be sad, do I pout?
Do I use sex?
Can't do that."
You know what she went with?
She went with the little girl.
All right, she just came out,
and she's just like...
[Laughter]
I'm like, "What's up?"
She's like,
[pouty] "Saw something
that I liked."
[Laughter]
And I just wanted
to be like,
"Well, then why don't you
f*cking pay for it?"
Ha ha ha!
So she goes over
and she shows it to me, right?
And I'm like,
"It's 400 bucks."
She goes, "Can you get it?"
I go, "No. I'm not doing that.
f*ck that.
It's not your birthday.
It's not Valentine's day.
It's march.
What, do I get you that
for St. Patrick's day?
Get the f*ck outta here.
I'm not doing it."
[Laughs]
So then what happened,
we're driving home,
and somehow
she manipulated the argument...
not that she asked
for the sweater
and not that I said no...
it was the way I said no, right?
Got in this huge argument.
Got so mad by the time
we got back to the house,
I just told her to get out,
I'm driving away.
So I just drove away
in the Prius... whoosh. Right?
So I was so f*cked up about it,
I had to call my sister up,
right, call her up to get
a female perspective.
She's laughing her ass off
going, "You took all the bait.
You're an idiot."
I go, "What do I do?
She goes, "Why don't you
go back down to the store
and just buy the sweater,
hold onto it,
and give it to her a few months
later for her birthday?"
And I'm like,
"f*cking genius! Genius!"
I hate the pressure
of the birthday,
all her friends...
[Effeminately] "So...
What are you getting her?
What are you gonna get her?"
"f*cking sweater, bitch."
Bam!
That's it.
Got it.
All right?
Fast-forward three months.
It's her birthday, right?
I'm laying in bed,
she wakes up,
she wanted to go to some
restaurant that night.
She's like, "Did you make
the reservations?"
I'm like, "I haven't made 'em
yet, but we'll, you know,
we'll be good, right?"
She starts freaking out.
"What do you mean?
It's my birthday.
What do you mean
you didn't make...
didn't make the reservations?"
I'm like, "Wweetheart,
it's a Tuesday
in the middle
of a recession.
I'm sure there's gonna
be a table" right?
So she starts freaking out.
In the back of my head,
I'm like, "I got this sweater.
I'm good, right?"
So the more she yells at me,
the funnier it becomes to me,
but like an assh*le,
rather than laughing to myself,
I sort of snickered
out loud, right?
Sort of giggled a couple times,
and she just snapped,
like, "Are you laughing at me?
Are you laughing at me
on my birthday?"
And then the more she yelled,
the more I laughed.
The more I laughed,
the more she yelled,
and it was just this vicious
f*cking thing
all the way up, right?
She got all the way
to the point
she was standing
at the back door going,
"You gonna laugh at me
on my birthday?
f*ck you!"
Boom! Slams the door.
Duh-duh-duh-duh.
Runs down the stairs.
At that point,
I'm literally
in the fetal position,
like, dying laughing,
walking towards the bathroom.
Then all of a sudden I hear,
buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!
She came back up the stairs.
And I'm not gonna lie to ya,
I got a little scared
for half a second.
Nah, I did.
I was in my underwear,
I was feeling vulnerable.
She comes flying
into the bathroom,
and the second I saw her face,
I knew she was gonna hit me.
Right?
And I'm such an assh*le,
I actually have a game plan for
when a woman's gonna hit you.
Like that's how many women
I've pissed off in my lifetime.
I actually know
it's going down.
This is how it is.
Most women, they're flailers.
All right, unless they had
some sort of MMA training,
then you're on your own.
You're probably gonna
catch a few, right?
But most of them are flailers.
Most are right-handed.
So you gotta guess
overhand right.
That's the first thing
you gotta guess.
So you get down
in the pocket, right?
That overhand right comes in.
Bam! You catch that wrist.
Second the right's coming,
you know the left's coming.
Bam! You catch that one.
This is the crucial moment.
Second you got the right,
the next, then you got the left,
immediately,
you gotta step back,
and you gotta go like this.
[Cheers and applause]
'Cause she's gonna try
to kick you right in the balls.
As she kicks you,
then you spin 'em around,
tuck your head down low,
'cause they will try
to headbutt you,
and then you just use
the weight of your torso
to slowly bring 'em down
to the floor
as you whisper sweet things:
"Oh, look at the tiles.
Remember
you picked those out?
They go so well
with the wallpaper."
Right?
[Applause]
But she tricked me.
She came into the bathroom.
She invented this new punch.
She didn't throw a right.
She didn't throw a left.
She came up
with this two-fisted...
I called it, like,
the defibrillator, right?
She caught me in the shoulder
and, like, in my appendix,
just f*ckin'... wham!
Like that.
Almost went flying back
into the bathtub.
And I caught myself,
and she's all ready for me
to take the bait and flip out.
I didn't.
I just remained calm.
I was just like,
"Sweetheart...
I think you need
to go to work now."
She didn't know what to do.
She was like...[Panting]
And she just walked out.
All right?
Went down to the car,
drove to work.
I walked out in the kitchen.
I got some cheerios.
Sat down and started
watching sportscenter.
[Laughs]
f*cking three minutes later,
all of a sudden the phone rings.
All right, pick up the phone
and I just hear her going,
[stiffly]
"Hi.
Okay.
things got a little crazy."
I'm like,
"A little crazy?
You almost split my head open
in the g*dd*mn tub."
"I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm passionate."
That's what they say
when they start swinging.
"I'm passionate.
I just have so much love
for you...
I try to cause you
to have a seizure."
I don't know.
I'm good at this.
I f*ck up my personal life
all the time now.
I really do, you know?
I'm afraid
to get married, man.
Why would... as... what man
wouldn't be afraid
to get married
at this point?
Look at Kobe.
Look at the shit
he's going through right now.
All right?
Guy's getting a divorce.
His wife's gonna get
Never hit a layup
in her life.
You know?
Can anybody explain...
These divorce settlements?
Can anybody make sense
of these f*cking things?
Tiger Woods's wife...
$250 million!
She's a babysitter
worth 1/4 of a billion
f*cking dollars!
Somebody, go ahead...
somebody explain...
justify it.
Justify it.
What, what?
He cheated on her?
I don't give a f*ck!
Yeah, I don't give a f*ck.
He cheated on her.
Great. The relationship's
over right then.
Kobe cheated, right?
Shouldn't that relationship
have been over right then?
Why did she hang around like
some jaded cop for three years,
trying to get
her f*cking pension, right?
Get that ten years in?
[Laughs]
I don't know.
Maybe that's too harsh.
That shit
bothers me, man.
Dude, there is an epidemic
of gold-digging whores
in this country.
[Laugher, applause]
And every night
I put on the news,
and I'm waiting
for someone to address it.
Every night.
Never see it, you know?
And every night
I bring up gold-digging whores,
and the whole crowd
pulls back
like I'm up here
talking about bigfoot, right?
Like I'm saying the moon's
made out of cheese or something.
Talking about whores, people!
They're everywhere!
How many?
How many more great men
are gonna get chopped in half
before we do something?
Why is it so quiet
in here?
[Laughter]
g*dd*mn!
I don't get it.
What is it... women,
do you think I'm calling you...
I'm not calling any woman
here a whore, okay?
So don't pull back.
That's not fair, okay?
If you brought up wife beaters,
I wouldn't... uhh... pull back.
I get it.
There's guys hitting women.
They need to be stopped.
We gotta understand
that gold-digging whores
are the wife beaters
for men.
Yeah, they are.
Except we don't have that
Rihanna lumped up photo
in the end,
so it's not obvious.
It's in the eyes.
It's in the lines in your face.
It's in Mel Gibson's
high-pitched voice
on the answering machine:
"I had to give up
my laker tickets!" Right?
That is the sound of a man being
taken for everything he's got.
I gotta tell you,
I'm envious of women, okay?
I'm not saying
your problems get solved,
but at least
they're taken seriously.
You know?
You got 1-800 numbers,
you got ribbons,
there's groups.
People give a shit.
Anything happens to a guy,
it's just considered funny.
Some woman cut her husband's
d*ck off,
threw it in
the garbage disposal,
and turned it on.
People thought it was hilarious!
They were, "Ahhhh!
Hey, stumpy!"
Nobody cares.
Do you think if a guy
removed a woman's titty
and threw it in the dryer,
anybody would be joking
about it the next day?
The entire country
would grind to a halt.
There'd be a moment
of silence.
The NFL would have some
special-colored headband
everybody had to wear
for an entire month.
The most effeminate color they
could possibly come up with.
All my heroes
are going down.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Another great man.
Another great man.
Taken down by that gold-digging
whore of a maid he's got.
And I'm not saying
he's not a piece of shit
for doing what he did...
it was a piece of shit move...
but how come only he
got chastised?
What about the maid?
Why was she called the maid
that entire story?
She was never called a whore.
Ever.
Just boggles my mind.
She knew his wife,
first-name basis.
Played with their kids,
f*cked her husband
in their own g*dd*mn bed.
That's right down
the checklist...
first ballot
hall of fame whore.
Right there.
[Applause]
Never. Why do you think
she hooked up with him?
Because of that 1987 flattop
he's still rockin'?
The giant space
between his teeth
I could put
this mic cord through?
Or do you think maybe it's all
that Kindergarten Cop money
laying around
the g*dd*mn bedroom?
Oh, it's awful.
It's a horrific thing
to see as a guy...
watching guys
go through that shit, you know?
And then there's no sort of
examination of it.
They just go, "Ah, he's
an idiot. Eh, he's stupid."
That guy's stupid?
If that guy's stupid,
what the f*ck am I, right?
Ha.
Does it even make sense?
Why would you do that?
Why would you accomplish
all that
and then f*ck it up
hooking up with one of
the ugliest human beings
I've ever seen in my life?
I'm not saying
I'm a prize.
I'm just saying, you know?
[Scattered titters]
It's gotta be something
beyond that, right?
You know what I think it is?
I think it comes down
to the way he talks, you know?
[Grunting gibberish
with accent]
That dude should be unloading
trucks in Transylvania.
That should have been
the height of his success.
But because he's a great man,
he had the balls
to move to America,
became famous
for lifting weights.
I lift weights.
Nobody gives a shit.
He lifts weights...
"Aah, aah, aah!"
Becomes super famous.
Did he rest on his laurels?
No. Next challenge:
"I'm gonna become an actor
despite the fact that nobody
can really understand me."
Against all odds,
he starts making movies.
"Get down! There's a b*mb.
Get out of there!"
[Laughter]
Becomes one of the biggest
blockbuster stars of all time.
"What are you gonna do next,
Arnie?"
"I think I'll marry
a Kennedy."
"There's no f*cking way
you can do that."
Bam! he does it.
Cherry on top.
I'm running for governor of
a state I can't even pronounce,
and he wins the election.
Why wouldn't this guy
think he couldn't bang his maid
in his own bed
and get away with it?
This dude has been in the zone
for over four decades!
Four decades...
nothin' but net.
Bang a maid
in my own bed?
Dude, that's a layup.
Are you serious?
I had a hit movie
with a midget.
I don't even need
a condom.
[Silly voice]
Uhhh, uhhh, uhhh, uhhh!
Right?
And then what happens?
The smoke clears.
Then all these trolls
come out of the woodwork
and start judging
this great man.
All these fatties,
these f*cking old guys
who never got any
with their jowls.
Coming on TV...
[blubbery voice] "Absolutely
reprehensible behavior.
What kind of
a public servant...
His legacy is... "
[Gibberish]
[Laughs]
Like they have any idea
what it's like to be tempted
at that level, right?
Like they have groupies
as they waddle out
to their Mercury Tracer
parked on the other side
of a dumpster.
Really?
You're beating them off?
This guy, he's not
a great man anymore?
Terminator doesn't count?
Is that what the f*ck
you're telling me?
'Cause he f*cked Alice?
Really?
He's still not a great man
because he did that,
then the whole thing's over?
Anybody here think they could
move to Austria,
learn the language,
become famous for working out,
then be a movie star,
then marry into their royalty,
and hold public office?
How many lifetimes
would you need...
I'm on my third attempt
at Rosetta Stone Spanish.
All right?
How can I judge these guys?
I can barely handle
the temptations of Facebook.
I'm gonna judge
Tiger Woods?
I golf.
I don't walk off the 18th hole,
and there's a busload
of Scandinavian women
waiting to f*ck
my brains out.
"Sorry, ladies, gotta go home
to the wife" right?
No, it kills me.
And there's no help out there
for guys.
There isn't.
There's nothing out there
to help you handle
becoming rich and famous.
There's nothing to prepare you
for that platoon of whores
that's gonna form
on the horizon, right?
Like Braveheart...
faces painted, skirts on.
We'll run down the hill.
They'll jump on your d*ck
in front of your wife.
They don't give a shit.
There's not even
a handbook out there.
I saw one article
written about it
on the cover
of Time Magazine.
It said, "Why do so many rich,
famous, and powerful men
act like absolute pigs?"
Right?
And the article was actually
written by a woman.
That's like me
writing a book,
The third trimester
and what to expect.
Ladies, you're gonna
feel a pressure...
how the hell
would I know?
You don't wanna hear that
from me, right?
Then why is this woman
telling me
what it's like
to have a d*ck?
That makes no sense.
You have no idea
what it's like to have a d*ck.
"Do it, do it, f*ck it, do it."
That's what it's saying.
"Do it, do it!
Yeah, do it!"
That's how we survived
as a species.
Every man in here
is programmed to f*ck
in this room.
Right?
Yeah, we are.
"Do it, do it, f*ck it,
do it" you know?
It's just that you won't.
That's the only reason
why we don't, you know?
That's not you keeping
your d*ck in check, you know?
Some guy at home depot,
working there,
he wants to f*ck just as many
women as a celebrity, right?
But he can't do it.
'Cause whores don't care
about lumber, right?
[Laughs]
But the second he hits
the f*cking lottery,
all of a sudden that,
"Do it, do it, f*ck it, do it"
you know,
that wasn't affecting his life,
then all of a sudden
these whores show up...
"I'll do it, I'll suck it,
I'll do it" right?
[Laughs]
No, somebody's gotta step up,
all right?
I'm not even blaming whores,
really.
Just... guys,
we're f*cking idiots.
What are we doing?
Why are we working so hard
and then giving it all away
to some chick
who did three shifts
at a f*cking Hooters,
you know?
They're f*cking bums
sitting there with f*cking
dorito dust in their cleavage
walking around with hundreds
of millions of dollars.
I'm sick of this.
"That's what the law says."
A hundred years ago,
I could beat you
with a f*cking mop handle
and be like,
"That's what the law says."
Doesn't make us right.
No, it's unreal.
And all this shit's going down,
and we're not doing anything.
What are we doing?
Same old shit.
Sitting around watching
shark week, right?
Watching shit about
poisonous snakes
half a world away.
Just filling your head up with
all this useless information.
What to do if you come face
to face with a bengal tiger.
Don't look at it,
don't look away.
Slowly back up
as you push your friend forward.
Right?
All this useless
information,
yet hanging between your legs
is this thing
that could crumble
your entire empire...
seven minutes or less.
Don't know a f*cking thing
about it.
Even worse,
you think it's your friend.
Yeah, you know why?
'Cause your d*ck's like
a dreamer, you know?
Your d*ck believes.
It's like
a motivational speaker.
I don't give a shit
what question you ask it.
It's always like,
"Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Sounds like a plan!
Exit strategy... later!
We'll be fine!"
Where's your d*ck
when you get caught, right?
It's just slumped over like,
"Yeah, I thought it was
a good idea."
Yeah.
You have to know that.
Dude, if your d*ck
was a third base coach,
it wouldn't hold anybody up.
It'd just be f*cking
waving people around.
"Everybody,
go in standing up!
"You got it, you got it.
Aw, shit, here she comes.
Slide, slide, slide!"
All right,
you guys were awesome.
Thank you so much
for coming out.
I hope you had as good a time
as I did.
Thank you!
[Cheers and applause]
[Inaudible speech]
[Crowd chatter]
Bill Burr: You People Are All the Same (2012)
Moderator: Maskath3