[Jimmy Fallon] Were you
at the, uh, White House final party?
[Chris Rock] Yes! I was at the White--
Everybody was there.
It was like… whoa. The last party
at the White House… [chuckles softly]
-You been to the White House?
-[Jimmy] Yes.
-It's amazing.
-[Jimmy] It's unbelievable.
You walk in,
you see these humongous portraits
of the presidents
everywhere you go, right?
So I'm there, and it's me,
and Ahmir is there,
and Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Oprah, Steve…
It's like I died
and went to Black heaven, right?
-[audience laughing]
-[Chris chuckles]
-They were all…
-[Jimmy] Something to see.
It was unbelievable.
There were a few white people there, too.
But, uh… A couple…
Kid Rock or somebody. Anyway…
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] Somebody…
Katie Couric or something. And…
[both laughing]
-They had a couple.
-[Jimmy] Sure.
There's a lot more now,
I'll tell you that.
And…
So…
-[chuckles] It's a lot more now.
-[Jimmy laughing] Yeah.
And they had entertainment--
You're sitting around,
you're meeting people,
and you mingle. First you mingle.
And at one point,
it's me and Michelle Obama just talking.
I'm not really supposed to be alone
with Michelle Obama.
It's not really my lane.
I don't know how to talk politics.
And Michelle Obama's like,
"I don't know what we're gonna do.
The country…"
We're talking about election and stuff.
"I don't know what's gonna happen.
This is such a crazy time."
And I go, "You'll be aight."
That's… I literally said that.
I said that to Michelle.
I said, "You'll be aight."
-[Jimmy] To the First Lady.
-And then I said,
"You know…
you'll get any kind of job you want."
"I mean, The View,
The Housewives of Atlanta."
And she goes…
And Michelle Obama
looks at me and is like,
"I was talking about the country."
-"I wasn't talking about me."
-The Housewives of Atlanta.
"I was talking about the country."
And I'd never felt so stupid in my life.
It's like my GED flared up, you know?
And she gives me a look like,
"Who let this n*gga in my house?"
She didn't say that,
but that's what the look was like.
And then she goes,
"Oprah, I gotta talk to you."
And she runs away from me,
and then I'm feeling dumb.
I'm like, "Okay, I gotta find
some people as dumb as me."
I gotta find my intelligence,
so I'm like,
"Okay, where the athletes at?" Right?
"Where are the athletes?"
Then I see Charles Barkley like,
"Ah, my n*gga." Right?
[all laughing]
So…
I see Charles Barkley,
we talk for a minute, right?
And then they ring a bell,
and you gotta go watch the entertainment.
So it's me, Charles Barkley and Jay-Z
going to this room
to watch the entertainment.
First it was, uh, Herbie Hancock,
and he was amazing, like…
[imitates guitar]
Then Stevie Wonder kinda snatches
the mic from Herbie Hancock, right?
And starts playing his stuff
and puts some extra blind in it.
You know what I mean?
Like, puts some, like…
Puts some extra…
[all laughing]
You know what I mean?
-So Stevie…
-[man] Check please.
You know, 'cause Stevie…
Stevie's been in the White House
more than most presidents.
So when he acts like he don't know
where he's going, he's lying, right?
He's been there
for nine presidents, right?
So…
So Stevie's playing
and me and Jay-Z get sad,
'cause we realize
we're never gonna play the White House.
-[Jimmy] Yeah.
-I mean, he's never gonna be like…
♪ Jigga, what's my m*therf*cking name? ♪
-That's never gonna happen.
-[Jimmy] I don't see it.
That's not gonna happen. Not with one…
-We're only on first Black president.
-[Jimmy] That's right.
Black President 12,
there might be a Wu-Tang reunion,
but not… Not…
-Not now.
-[Jimmy] Not now. Not gonna happen.
Not while we're in the single digits
of Black presidents, right?
So… [chuckles]
Then the party started,
and Quest starts playing music,
and it's amazing.
And we're dancing and it's a bunch
of Black people dancing our asses off.
It is amazing. In this place…
In a place that slaves made.
Okay? In a house that slaves--
Black people enjoying
the White House, man.
Just amazing.
And Sasha, Malia and the Obamas
saying goodbye to people and everything.
And as I'm walking out the White House,
I look up on the wall and I see
a picture of George Washington
with a bloody tear coming out of his eye.
It's like…
[audience cheering]
[shouts] Chris Rock!
["Backseat Freestyle"
by Kendrick Lamar playing]
♪ Uh, Martin had a dream ♪
♪ Martin had a dream ♪
♪ Kendrick have a dream ♪
♪ All my life I want money and power ♪
♪ Respect my mind
Or die from lead shower ♪
♪ I pray my d*ck
Get big as the Eiffel Tower ♪
♪ So I can f*ck the world for 72 hours ♪
♪ g*dd*mn I feel amazin' ♪
♪ Damn, I'm in the Matrix
My mind is livin' on cloud nine… ♪
[Chris] Yeah.
Please. Oh, sit down.
Sit your asses down.
Please let me get on with this show.
It's nice to be here in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn, where I'm from.
Bed-Stuy, do or die.
Right? Home of Biggie and Jay.
Yes, I'm back. I'm in the neighborhood.
You know, the more things change,
the more things stay the same.
I'm walking around,
looking around today, and I wonder…
You would think that cops
would occasionally sh**t a white kid
just to make it look good.
You would think
that every couple of months,
they'd look
at their dead n*gga calendar and go,
"Oh, my God. We're up to 16.
We gotta sh**t a white kid quick."
"Which one?"
"Ah, the first one
you see singing Cardi B."
[chuckles]
That's right.
I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world
with real equality.
I wanna live in a world
where an equal amount of white kids
are shot every month.
An equal world.
I wanna see white mothers on TV crying,
standing next to Al Sharpton…
talking about, "We need justice for Chad."
"We need justice for Chad."
"He was just coming home
from racquetball practice."
"No justice, no quiche."
I know some people, like,
"Come on, Chris."
"You're going too hard on the cops, man."
"You're a celebrity.
I'm sure they'd let you go."
"I'm sure they're nice to you.
You're a celebrity."
Yeah, I'm famous, you know.
But I'm not like Michael Jackson famous.
I'm not famous from miles away.
My fame kicks in right about here.
When the cops see me
walking down the street,
they're like,
"n*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga."
"Hey, that's Chris Rock!"
"Man, you are funny, man.
I love Pootie Tang, man."
It's weird, man. It's weird.
This whole thing with the cops, man.
'Cause as a Black man, you have a…
Especially a grown Black man.
I have a weird relationship
with the cops, man.
Like on one hand, I'm a Black man,
so I'm like, "f*ck the police."
And on the other hand, I own property.
[laughter]
If somebody comes and breaks in my house,
I'm not calling the Crips.
"Uh, yo, Crips,
can you send Little JJ down?"
"Oh, he's here already?"
"My bad. My bad."
Here's the thing with the cops, though.
I mean, being a cop's a hard job, man.
It's a hard f*cking job, man.
I mean, honestly,
I don't think they pay cops enough.
I don't think they pay police enough…
[scattered applause]
…and you get what you pay for.
[chuckling]
But here's the thing, man.
Whenever the cops g*n down
an innocent Black man,
they always say the same things.
It's like, "Well, it's not most cops.
It's just a few bad apples."
"It's just a few bad apples."
"Bad apple"?
That's a lovely name for "m*rder*r."
I was like, "How'd they get that one?
'Bad apple.' That almost sounds nice."
I mean, I've had a bad apple.
It was tart.
But it didn't choke me out.
Here's the thing.
I know it's hard being a cop.
I know it's hard.
I know that shit's dangerous.
I know it is, okay?
But some jobs can't have bad apples, okay?
Some jobs, everybody got to be good.
Like… pilots.
You know?
American Airlines can't be, like,
"Most of our pilots like to land."
"We just got a few bad apples
that like to crash into mountains."
"Please bear with us."
Yeah, man.
This cop shit ain't gonna stop, man.
But racism is not gonna stop.
It ain't never stopping.
It's the American way, man.
They used to have signs up
that said, "Whites only."
They used to have signs up
that said, "No Blacks allowed."
Now they got something new.
It's called prices.
That's right.
Prices are the new Jim Crow.
The Four Seasons hotel
does not say, "No Blacks allowed."
But a $4,000-a-night hotel suite
sure does.
That ought to handle
your n*gga problem right there.
Prices are the new Jim Crow, baby.
You know, Whole Foods does not say,
"No Blacks allowed."
But a seven-dollar orange sure does.
It says they don't want
my Black ass in here.
A couple of white people are going,
"They don't want us in here either."
f*ck Whole Foods, I need some Half Foods.
America's insane, man.
You gotta get your kids ready
for the white man.
If you're not, then you're f*cking up
as a parent, okay?
I've been getting my kids ready
for the white man
since they was born, okay?
But even before they was born,
I've been preparing them
for the white man. Yeah.
That's right.
At my house, we don't have fire drills,
we have whiter drills.
So ever since my kids were born,
I've been getting them ready
for the white man.
So everything in my house
that's the color white
is either hot, heavy or sharp.
So my kids know
when they deal with anything white,
they gotta think about that shit.
They got to contemplate this shit.
"Ooh. This napkin, okay.
Should I wipe my mouth with it
or is that what Whitey wants me to do?"
Ever since they was born,
everything in my house,
hot, heavy, or sharp.
They sit on a white toilet seat,
burn their ass.
"Daddy, my ass is burning."
"It's white, m*therf*cker, it's white.
That's what Whitey do."
"He burn your f*cking ass."
"Pay attention!"
Shit, when they was little girls,
their white onesie weighed 150 pounds.
"Daddy. Dad, it's so heavy."
"It's so heavy.
This hurts. I can't even stand."
"I can't even stand."
"It's white, m*therf*cker, it's white."
"That's what Whitey do.
He break your back."
At their birthday party,
I gave them vanilla ice cream
with glass in it.
"Daddy, my tongue's bleeding."
"You should've gotten chocolate."
Oh, y'all think I'm joking, huh?
I go hard, too. I go f*cking hard, man.
I got girls and I go hard.
So if you got a Black son,
you gotta just punch him in the face.
As soon as he wakes up,
it's like, "Morning, n*gga." Pow!
Shit, if you got a Black son
and you don't punch him in the face,
that's child abuse.
Shit, that's right, man.
Some people say young Black teenagers
are an endangered species.
But that's not true.
'Cause endangered species
are protected by the government.
Yo, man.
You got to beat your Black son good.
You got to whoop that ass.
It's important
that he follows your instructions.
'Cause-- Hey,
'cause the world is f*cked up, man.
We've got a f*cked up
justice system, okay?
We've got a justice system
for Black, for white, for rich, for poor.
We live in a country where two people
can do the exact same crime,
in the exact same place,
at the exact same time,
and get different sentences.
Yo.
Yo, the justice system in America
should be just like Walmart.
Should be just like Walmart.
Like, "Hey. If you can find
a lighter sentence, we'll match it."
"They gave that white boy
two years for a kilo."
"It's good, I'll take that."
Cops sh**ting m*therf*ckers, man.
You know, we got cop problems,
prices problems,
we got some g*n problems.
This g*n shit ain't going nowhere, okay?
g*n control.
There ain't never gonna be no g*n control.
Okay? You talk about it too long
and you will get shot.
They will sh**t your ass, okay?
One of the reasons
is 'cause we all love g*ns.
Love g*ns. I had a g*n.
That's right, comedian with a g*n.
Ooh, they're not laughing. Bang!
Yeah, man. We don't care.
America don't care about no g*ns.
You sh**t up a church, nobody cared.
You shot up a school, nobody cared, man.
You shot up a theatre, people are like,
"Should have had Netflix."
That's right.
They're never, ever changing the g*n laws.
Somebody gets gunned down,
you see that shit on TV,
next thing you know,
you watch TV and all you hear are clichés.
You know?
Fifty people, sixty people,
that many people, whatever, dead.
And somebody comes on and goes,
"Well, we can't change the g*n laws
'cause Americans need the right to hunt."
"They need to hunt."
It was like, "Really?"
Hunting's that f*cking important?
I mean, I've been hunting.
I used to hunt with my grandfather
as a kid in South Carolina.
Went hunting with my grandfather.
I shot a rabbit.
I cried.
He called me a f*gg*t.
And he's a preacher.
[chuckles]
They are never changing the g*n laws,
no matter what, man.
They will sh**t 100 people in Vegas, okay?
And somebody will come on TV,
you know, they'll just talk, like,
"Hey, you know, g*ns don't k*ll people,
people k*ll people."
That's what they'll say.
They'll sh**t 100 people,
and somebody will go,
"g*ns don't k*ll people,
people k*ll people."
"As a matter of fact,
if the gunman would have had a knife,
he could have
stabbed 100 people to death."
That's what they say.
They actually say that shit.
On TV.
Could have stabbed 100 people?
Yo, check this out.
If 100 people ever got stabbed
at the same time,
in the same place, by the same person,
you know what that would mean?
Ninety-seven people deserved to die.
What, you just watching this shit?
"Oh, shit, somebody got stabbed."
"Ooh, they stabbed somebody else."
"Ooh, they stabbed somebody else."
"Ooh, they getting closer."
"Ooh, he stabbed me."
"I didn't see that coming."
"Ooh, he stabbed the lady behind me."
"He's a stabbing fool."
"I guess that's why they call him Stabby."
They are never changing
none of this g*n shit, man.
But you watch the news and it's like,
"Well, we can't change the g*n laws
because every American has the right
to protect their home."
Every American has the right
to protect their home.
That's true. They got the right.
But you ever notice
that almost all the mass sh**t,
none of them own homes?
They all live with their f*cking mothers.
No, man. They gotta change the g*n laws.
Here's the deal. Here's what I think.
I think, in order for you to get a g*n
in the United States of America,
you should have to have a mortgage.
That's right.
That's a background check for your ass.
Shit, if you got a 739 credit score,
you ain't k*lling nobody.
See, the mortgage make you act right.
How many times
you been ready to quit your job?
Just ready to quit.
Like, "I can't take this shit."
"These people don't know how to use me."
"My skills are going to waste."
"I'm too smart for these people.
I'm going in there tomorrow,
and I'mma quit this job."
And you walk in there,
and you think you gonna quit,
and you see that boss
and you think, "That f*cking mortgage."
"I'mma be here 30 more years."
"If I'm lucky."
Shit, having a mortgage
make you act right.
How many times you been ready
to smack the shit out of somebody at work?
Just smack… Yeah, I ain't the only one.
Just ready to smack the shit, like,
"I can't believe this m*therf*cker
think they can talk to me this way."
"Tomorrow, I'mma smack the shit
outta this one."
You start doing push-ups.
You dip your hand in lard.
"I'mma smack him with a crispy hand."
"I'm gonna have
a layer of crispy on my hand
when I smack this m*therf*cker."
"That's right.
I might Buffalo smack this m*therf*cker."
Dip it in some hot sauce, too.
And right before-- You getting ready
to smack the shit out this m*therf*cker.
You run up to him, you're like… "Whoo!"
"You lucky I'm trying to re-finance."
That's right.
Mortgage makes you act right.
There ain't nothing better
than a good mortgage.
If you got a good mortgage,
God has blessed you.
"Wh-Wh-What is a good mortgage?"
you might ask.
A mortgage that allows you
to live your life.
To do things, to go places, to buy shit.
If you got a mortgage that's like that,
then your God has shined His light on you.
But if you got a bad mortgage, whoo…
Hell hath no fury
like a bad mortgage.
"What is a bad mortgage?" you ask.
Well, a bad mortgage is any mortgage
that doesn't allow you to do anything
but pay your m*therf*cking mortgage.
That is a bad mortgage.
You can't go nowhere,
you can't even
come to this m*therf*cking show.
You gotta watch Delirious on VCR.
That's right.
When you got a bad mortgage, boy,
you need to get your eyebrows done
one at a time.
"I'mma get the left done right now,
and in about three weeks,
I might get the right done."
"I might."
"I don't know
if I'm gonna have the money."
"I'm trying to go to Whole Foods later."
"Shit's expensive."
That's right.
One of them bad Suge Knight mortgages…
where your house
is just looking at you, like,
"Where's my money, bitch?"
"It's death row, m*therf*cker!"
That's right. Nothing like a bad mortgage.
Like, you all f*cked up.
That's right.
Where you're like a meth addict.
And the house is the dealer.
And you're like, "Please, I'm just trying
to get this basement fixed."
"I'll do anything. I'll suck your d*ck."
If you got one of those mortgages,
just get out of that shit.
Ain't no shame in renting.
Just rent, m*therf*cker, rent, man.
It is so good to be here right now.
I'm just glad to be back. I've been…
I've been so busy, man. I've been busy.
People are like, "Where you been?"
I've been busy. Trying to raise some kids.
That shit's a job.
Trying to raise these kids, man.
You know, sometimes I watch the news,
and people are like…
Whenever there's some crazy,
r*cist thing, people always go,
"Well, children…"
"Children don't…"
"They're not born r*cist."
"You have to teach them to hate."
That's what people always say.
"Children are born loving."
"You have to teach them to hate."
It's the biggest crock of bullshit
I have ever heard in my life.
Kids are the most r*cist, sexist,
h*m*, mean m*therf*ckers
on the face of the Earth.
You don't teach your kid to love.
Raising your child is just
beating the hate out of them.
That's all it is.
Kids are mean m*therf*ckers, okay?
What the-- Are you--
My daughter,
when she was little, was like,
"Daddy, that lady,
she's so scary. I'm so scared."
"Oh, my God, Daddy. She's a monster."
I'm like, "No, she's Asian, Lola."
"Stop it. Okay?
You r*cist brat. Stop it. "
"Daddy, that man, he's got antennas.
He's gonna eat me. He's scary."
"No, it's dreadlocks, Lola. Stop it."
Kids are f*cking mean.
Are you f*cking kidding me?
When my kid was two, she was biting kids
on the playground.
You think I taught her to bite kids?
No, that was her natural state.
She came out of the womb like Wolverine.
Just tearing f*cking kids up.
Kids are horrible people.
That's right.
Pre-school is just jail with milk.
So…
[chuckles]
"Kids have to learn to hate."
Get the f*ck out of here.
Yo, man. So, I'm with my daughter,
this year she started high school.
My oldest started high school. Yep.
[scattered applause]
Yep, yep. Kept her off the pole and now…
Started high school.
So I had to go with her
to a freshman orientation.
You ever go to a freshman orientation?
It's the most boring thing
you will ever do with your kids.
You know, 'cause you sit
in an auditorium, quite like this,
with a couple thousand kids,
and people come up
and speak and just lie to children.
That's all that happens all day
is people come up
and lie to children about the future.
I'm sitting there
and this lady comes up and goes,
"I want you children to know,
you can be anything you wanna be."
"You can be absolutely anything
you wanna be."
I'm like, "Lady, why are you lying
to these children?"
"Maybe four of them
could be anything they wanna be."
"But the other 2,000
better learn how to weld."
"Shit. I'm looking
at these kids right now."
"I count at least 60 Uber drivers."
"They could be anything they wanna be."
Shut the f*ck up.
Really? They could be
anything they wanna be?
Then how come you're a vice principal?
Was that the dream?
Did you dress up like a vice principal
when you was a kid?
Put your little vice principal hat on?
Tell the kids the truth.
Tell the kids the f*cking truth!
Say, "Hey, kids…
Check this out. Check this out."
"You could be anything you're good at,
as long as they're hiring."
"And even then,
it helps to know somebody."
So I'm sitting there,
I'm in school and I'm watching this shit,
and it dawned on me
that this orientation wasn't right.
You know, 'cause I got Black kids, man.
I'm sitting there,
I'm like, "I don't think this is right."
I think they need separate orientations.
I think they need a Black orientation,
white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever.
'Cause the Black kids, you're in…
You know, you get ready to face
a whole nother world.
I got Black kids.
I got to get them ready for the white man.
I got to get them ready for America, man.
You know?
That's right. You know?
Not the white man that's here tonight.
You guys all right.
Y'all cool. Every one of you,
I want you to know every dime
you spent tonight is going towards
putting little Black girls
through private school.
Anybody ask you what you did tonight,
you go, "I made a difference."
I was doing a movie a couple of years ago,
and one of my bullies
was working security on the movie.
Shit.
A guy who literally one day,
in school, turned me upside down
and shook the money out of my pockets.
And I'm filming a scene…
This is in Top Five.
And I look and I'm like,
"Is that B?" I'll just say B.
And he nodded, kinda…
He was kind of ashamed.
I just gave him, just a quick look,
like, "Hey, man. I hope you doing well."
"You take care."
And I kept it moving.
I didn't like, "Get him off the set!"
"Get him fired!"
It's like his sin has punished him.
He could've been my friend.
-Right.
-[Chris] Know what I mean?
He could've been in the trailer
with us watching The Godfather.
You know what I mean? The fact
that he had to go through that whole day
and watch me walk around and watch me--
I was directing a movie.
And watch me be me in all my glory.
And to be so close to me,
but yet so m*therf*cking far.
-Right, you got your revenge.
-[Chris] You know?
I didn't have to do anything.
You ever watch Bugs Bunny?
-Bugs Bunny?
-All the time.
When did Elmer Fudd
get really mad at Bugs Bunny?
Not when he shot him
in the face with an anvil,
not when he hit him
over the head with a rock.
You know when Elmer Fudd got really mad?
When Bugs Bunny kissed him.
[Howard chuckles] Yeah, that's true.
That's when he would lose his mind.
And when somebody does you wrong,
just give 'em a kiss.
So, I'm at the school. I'm at the school,
and the lady comes back out.
She goes, "I want you to know
the school has absolutely no bullies."
"We have a no-bully policy."
"We don't permit bullying."
"Any bullies will be
kicked out of school immediately."
And right then, I wanted
to take my daughter out the school.
I was, like, "What kinda
half-assed education is this?"
I mean, school is supposed
to prepare you for life.
Life has assholes.
And you should learn how to deal with them
as soon as possible.
God forbid you wait till you're 30
to find out people ain't shit.
That's a lesson you need quick.
I know I said you gotta
punch your Black son in the face,
but, honestly, I believe all children
should be punched in the face.
Preferably by another child.
'Cause once
you've been punched in the face,
you learn how to talk to people.
You learn tone.
That's right.
A lot of teeth been lost over tone.
That's right.
One of the problems with the world
is we got too many people
telling their kids how special they are.
These souped-up kids
walking the streets today
thinking they're f*cking special.
I'm walking down the street,
there's always some kid,
"Hey, good work, Chris.
Really funny, Chris. Love your work."
I'm like, "It's Mr. Rock, bitch."
Stop telling your kids
that they special.
Maybe they special to you.
But not to me. I don't play that shit.
Look, every day
before my kids leave for school,
I get them at the door,
I'm like, "Lola, Zahra, check this out."
"Soon as you leave this door,
nobody gives a f*ck about you."
"Nobody in the whole world
gives a f*ck about you."
"Nobody thinks you're cute,
nobody thinks you're smart,
nobody gives a f*ck about your opinion,
nobody on the whole Earth
outside of this door
gives a f*ck about you."
"Nobody."
"And even some of the people
inside the house,
a little on the fence."
We need bullies.
How the f*ck do you have a school
with no bullies?
Bullies do half the work.
That's right.
Teachers do one half,
bullies do the whole other half.
And that's the half
you're gonna use as a f*cking grown-up.
That's right.
Who gives a f*ck if you can code…
if you start crying
because your boss didn't say hi?
"You f*cking weak bitch.
Get the f*ck away from me."
I'm tired of this shit, man.
We need bullies!
Who's gonna solve
the problems of the world?
Who's gonna figure out global warming?
Who's gonna cure cancer?
Who's gonna eradicate poverty?
You know who's gonna do it?
Some kid getting his ass kicked
by a bully, that's who.
That's right.
Do you understand, "Nerds rule the world"?
Always have, always will. Okay?
I've never gotten a check
from somebody taller than me.
And I ain't that tall.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Weinstein.
That's how it goes, man.
Bullies rule-- We need bullies.
Need 'em.
You think kids were nice
to Bill Gates in high school?
"Hey, Gates,
you Charlie Brown-looking m*therf*cker."
"f*ck you, Gates, you four-eyed bitch."
"f*ck you and your Windows,
you gape-toothed m*therf*cker."
"I'mma smack
the shit out of you, you f*cking Gate."
"Gate, m*therf*cker.
You can't get in the gate, Gates."
You think kids were nice
to Mark Zuckerberg in high school?
"Hey, Zuckerfuck."
"Zuckerfucker, motherzucker, motherzuck,
zucker, motherzuck, suck-my-nuts-er,
zucker, motherzucker, motherzuck,
zuckermother,
zuckermother, motherzucker."
He invented Facebook after somebody
smacked him in the face with a book.
He invented Facebook just to get friends.
We need bullies.
Shit. Pressure makes diamonds, not hugs.
Hug a piece of coal
and watch what you get.
You get a dirty shirt.
That's right. Bullies are the fertilizer
that help good people to grow.
If you want pretty flowers,
you need a little shit.
I'm telling you, we need f*cking bullies.
That's why there's so many
fat kids in school right now.
'Cause there's nobody
to take their lunch money.
You know what they buy
with all that money?
Seconds.
We need bullies, man.
And I hate when people go,
"Well, you know what,
cyberbullying's worse."
Shut up.
I never heard of anybody getting
cyber-kicked down a flight of stairs.
I never heard of anybody getting
a cyber-bag of piss thrown at them.
[chuckles]
We need f*cking bullies.
Shit. That's how Trump became president.
That's exactly what happened.
We got rid of bullies,
a real bully showed up,
and nobody knew how to handle him.
I'm trying to get my life together, man.
I'm trying to get
a little religion in my life.
Just a little.
Just a little.
Religion's kind of like salt.
A sprinkle's good,
but too much will f*ck up the meal.
I mean, I'm basically trying to find God…
before God finds me.
But God never finds you at a good time.
You're never sitting courtside
at a Knick game,
getting a hand job from Halle Berry,
and God shows up.
"Strokes a good d*ck, don't she?"
"I made her.
I made your d*ck, too. Enjoy the game."
God never shows up at those times.
No, God shows up
after you've been r*ped in jail.
And you're in jail for parking tickets.
Now, if you're in jail for m*rder
and somebody's raping you,
you're like,
"Okay, I guess this is what I deserve."
"I did k*ll somebody.
Now, somebody's k*lling my ass."
"r*pe on."
But if you're in jail for parking tickets
and somebody's f*cking you in your ass,
you're like…
"I should have moved that car."
"What was I thinking?"
"I thought it was Good Friday."
"They keep moving Easter."
I'm trying to find God
before God finds me.
But it's so hard, it's so hard,
'cause I'm such piece of shit.
I try to be good,
but I'm such a piece of shit.
The other day,
I gave the homeless guy five dollars.
Should've been a good deed.
Should've been a good deed.
But I didn't
give him five dollars for him,
I gave him five dollars for me.
That's right. You ever give
or do something good
just hoping God will notice you?
It's like, I basically was trying
to kick-start a blessing.
Like, I was basically looking at God
as I was giving this bum some money,
like, "Look at me, Lord.
I'm a good person."
"Shine your light on me."
And I'm so full of shit,
everybody I spoke to that day,
I slipped in
that I gave this guy five dollars.
No matter what they was talking about,
"Hey, man, you see LeBron?"
"No, I was too busy
giving this bum some money."
"I had no time."
And I'm bragging
about giving him five dollars.
Meanwhile, I had about 400 in my pocket.
I'm going past big money
to give him little money.
I'm like, "No, no,
can't have that. Nope, nope."
"Nope, nope, not for you. Nope, nope."
"That's for strippers later. Nope, nope."
[chuckles]
I gave him enough
to get something at McDonalds,
but nothing to drink.
"Get yourself a number eight… dry."
Just trying to find God
before God finds me.
I'm so f*cked up, man.
A lot of religion in the news, man.
We ever watch the news, it's always like,
they're always talking
about religious extremists.
We're at w*r with extremists. Extremists.
What is a religious extremist?
A religious extremist is a person
that extremely believes in God.
You think you believe in God,
no, they extremely believe in God.
Like, "God coming back
on Wednesday at 2:30."
"I got tickets."
"Fantasia's opening for him."
"I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by."
That's right, religious extremists
extremely believe in God,
and occasionally blow shit up.
Which is odd when you think about it.
'Cause if you truly believe in God,
you believe that God created
the Earth, the moon, the stars, the Sun.
You believe that God is
the most powerful being in the universe.
So if you believe God's
the most powerful being in the universe,
why would He need your help?
What is that shit?
And-- That's right.
I mean, here's the thing.
I think the act
of helping God is sacrilegious.
If you think you can help God out,
you don't believe in God.
That's right. If you really had faith,
you'd really have faith.
I mean, check this out.
I haven't been to church in ten years.
Now, that's believing in God.
Shit, you go every week
'cause you don't trust God.
Is God here yet?
Trying to find God
before God finds me, man.
Another thing religious extremists
messed up, man, air travel.
Just ruined it, man.
Remember, it used to be fun to fly?
You could have a 12:00 flight
and leave your house at 11:30.
And make it.
Remember, you used to be
able to pick grandmother up at the gate?
That's right.
Now, by the time you get her,
she done had a heart attack.
She's just dead
going around the conveyor belt.
"You got a ticket for dead Grandma?"
And they got all this security,
they take your shoes,
they take your shampoo.
When did shampoo become so dangerous?
They take your shampoo,
you get through security,
and then they sell shampoo
at the gift shop.
Sometimes, they're trying
to sell you your own shampoo back.
I know my Prell when I see it.
Yo, I'm tired of all the security.
Yo, they need an airline
for people that don't give a f*ck.
They need an airline…
They need an airline
with absolutely no security
for people that are in a hurry,
and willing to take their lives
in their own hands.
That's what they need.
I'll pay an extra $50 for that shit.
They need to call it Risky Airlines.
That's right.
Risky Airlines. Muslims half price.
That's right. The bigger the beard,
the more legroom you get.
They won't even have tickets.
They just stamp your hand
like you at a club.
You'll be like, "I was in already."
At Risky Airlines,
all our pilots are bad apples.
No, man. Just trying to find God
before God finds me, man.
Tomorrow's Sunday.
I love getting up on a Sunday
and watching the preachers.
Preachers.
I just love watching the preachers.
It's like, you know…
My man, T.D. Jakes.
Creflo Dollar.
Joel Osteen.
Check 'em all out, man.
Here's my question.
Why's God always so broke?
God has been suffering
financial difficulties…
for quite some time.
What the f*ck?
Does God have a bad mortgage?
What is…
What is going on?
Who pays God's taxes, Wesley Snipes?
[chuckles]
What's going on? I don't understand.
Whoo!
The Devil's never broke.
Devil making it rain at the strip club.
You never see the Devil on TV going,
"Hey, this evil
ain't gonna pay for itself."
Nah, man. But I love religion.
I love watching religion,
studying religion.
The cool thing about religion
is no matter who you pray to,
no matter what you study,
every religion follows one basic premise,
one basic idea
that every religion follows.
And that premise is,
"God doesn't make mistakes."
Every religion believes that. Everybody.
[imitating preacher] "God does not make…
mistakes."
"I say God…
does not… [shrilly] make…
mistakes."
God don't make no mistakes?
That's… Okay.
That's a pretty ambitious thing to say.
No mistakes?
You ever read the Bible?
What does the Bible say
happened on the seventh day?
"God rested."
Okay. Seems odd
that a perfect being would rest.
Let me ask you a question.
Have you ever been performing a task,
it was going perfect,
and you took a rest?
Has that ever happened in your life?
No!
That has never f*cking happened to you.
What's happened to you was
you were performing a task,
you f*cked up,
and you thought, "Let me rest…
before I f*ck this up some more."
"God doesn't make mistakes."
Hush your mouth.
God makes plenty of mistakes.
You ever see a porcupine?
Can't eat it, can't hug it.
It's ugly, sticky,
sh1tting all over the place.
Mistake!
What about quicksand?
Sand you can drown in.
You can drown dry.
Do you think God meant to make quicksand?
Mistake.
You ever been to Mississippi?
Mistake!
M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E!
f*cking kidding me?
Just a big hunk of r*cist dirt.
f*cking Mississippi.
I was there couple of months ago.
I couldn't even tell what year it was.
That's how f*cked up
and ghetto that shit was.
Like, g*dd*mn!
You know what Mississippi's like?
You know like
when you go to the Caribbean?
You know when you go to the Caribbean,
you land and you get in that van.
That drive.
That scary-ass drive…
from the airport to the resort.
You're looking out the window
and you're like, "What the f*ck?"
"What the f*ck is that shit?"
"Oh, my God."
"Whoa!"
You see little kids eating dreadlocks.
You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog.
Shabba, Shabba, Shabba, Shabba!
People looking like
they'd never saw a car before.
"Wheel! Wheel!"
Then you get to the resort
and you're like, "Jamaica's nice."
"It's so nice.
We should invite your mother."
Shit.
They give you one piña colada…
[sucking sound]
…and you forgive
the worst poverty you've ever seen.
[chuckles]
You take one sip, you're like,
"That baby wasn't really dead, right?"
"I can't wait to Jet Ski."
[chuckles]
Trying to find God before God finds me.
Trying to get my life together, man.
I had a crazy-- Last few years
have been crazy for me, man.
Uh, you know, taking care of my kids, man.
I got divorced.
Divorced. No, no, don't…
[scattered applause]
No, don't clap for that shit
unless you're a lawyer.
You don't wanna get divorced,
let me tell you right now.
I'm talking from hell.
You don't want this shit.
Tell you right, if you got somebody
you love, hold tight.
That's right. Hold f*cking tight.
Commit.
Don't be the one that's always
threatening to leave, too.
That's right.
Love hard or get the f*ck out.
If you're gonna leave, leave right now.
That's right, at the show, right now.
That's right, just break up.
We got break up booths in the back.
That's right.
But before you leave, you better…
You better make sure you got some options.
'Cause some of y'all
been in a relationship so long,
you don't know how ugly you are.
Before you leave,
just take off all your clothes,
stand in a mirror, like…
"This is what I'm putting on the market."
[chuckles]
Do I need sit-ups or counseling?
That's right.
Love hard or get the f*ck out, okay?
You hear me?
I'm telling you right now.
If you're in a relationship,
all you should be doing
is f*cking and going places.
That's all you should be doing.
Having sex and traveling.
f*cking and going places.
You should be coming and going.
That's all you should be doing, okay?
People say, "Relationships are tough."
No, they not.
They're only tough
when one person is working on it.
That's right.
Two people can move a couch real easy.
One person can't move it at all.
That's right. If you're in a relationship,
let me try to help you right now, okay?
I'm trying to f*cking help you, okay?
Okay. First rule, rule one,
stop competing.
It's not a f*cking competition.
That's right.
Her success is your success
and your success is her success.
Stop competing.
Stop it, okay?
Number two. Number two, okay?
There is no equality in a relationship.
It's like, "We equals." No, you're not.
You're both there to serve.
You are in the service industry, okay?
That's right. When you are
in a relationship, you're in a band.
You're in a f*cking band.
And when you're in a band,
you have roles that you play in the band.
Sometimes you sing lead,
and sometimes you're on tambourine.
And if you're on tambourine,
play it right.
Play it right.
Play it with a f*cking smile.
'Cause nobody wants to see
a mad tambourine player.
If you gonna play tambourine,
you play that m*therf*cker right.
You play it with your ass, like,
"Tambourine, m*therf*cker, tambourine."
"A tambourine, m*therf*cker, tambourine."
"A tambourine, m*therf*cker, tambourine."
"A tambourine, m*therf*cker, tambourine."
Play it like Tina Turner.
That's right, you in a band.
It's like Hall & Oates.
I don't know what Oates does.
But Hall never had
a hit record without him.
Yeah. You wanna stay together.
How do you stay together?
You gotta f*ck.
It's that simple. You gotsta f*ck.
People will say,
"Oh, when we got together,
it was so much fun
but then problems arose."
No, they didn't. Nothing arose.
Every problem you have today,
you had when you met.
But you were f*cking, so you forgave.
That's right.
You knew he didn't do dishes.
But he gave you good d*ck.
That was a swell trade, d*ck for dishes.
You used to love washing them d*ck dishes.
So you knew she couldn't cook,
but she licked your balls.
You're like,
"Ah, keep licking. We'll order in."
You gotsta f*ck.
You got to f*ck. You gotta keep it up.
And you gotta f*ck
no matter what mood you in.
You got to keep the shit moving.
You can't wait for the Holy Ghost
to just get you.
That's right. That's right.
Ladies, are you listening to me?
Sometimes you gotta suck
a melancholy d*ck.
You got to do what you got to do.
'Cause I can eat p*ssy in a horrible mood.
"I can't believe
there's no gas in the car."
"I can't believe
there's so much mold in the basement."
Shit, I'd eat p*ssy on 9/11.
Where were you?
No, man, you gotsta f*ck, man.
Dude, I was married for 16 years.
For 16 years. Yes, that's a long run.
Hamilton won't last that long.
I was married for 16 years
in the era of the cell phone,
which means…
my 16 years is actually longer
than my parents' 40.
In my 16 years,
I had more contact with my ex-wife
than my parents had in 40 f*cking years.
Think about it. My father used to leave
for work at 6:30 in the morning,
come home at 8:30 at night,
and during the day,
him and my mother had no contact at all.
That's what a f*cking relationship
used to be.
That's right. The kids could've died,
and he wouldn't have found that shit out
till he got home.
He'd be like, "The kids died?"
"What time?" "About eight hours ago."
"Oh, shit."
They had no contact at all. That's what…
Everybody's parents in here,
that's what a relationship was.
When they got together,
they actually used to talk.
You know why?
'Cause each one of them
had pertinent information
that was useful to the other one.
That's right.
"Baby, how was your day?"
"Whitey didn't get me."
"Didn't get me, either."
"I love you."
You know why else they used to talk?
You know why else?
'Cause they used to miss each other.
They used to actually miss each other.
You can't miss nobody today.
They right in your back pocket.
They with you all the f*cking time.
That's right. Soon as you leave the house,
you get a f*cking beep,
you get a text, you get a FaceTime,
you get a f*cking Snapchat,
you get some
kind of f*cking communication.
Then your woman got the nerve to go,
"You act like you don't wanna talk."
"What are you talking about?
I know everything you did today,
and I know how people felt about it."
"That's right.
I read the comments, m*therf*cker."
"I gave you five likes, bitch. Shit."
"I gave you three smiley faces
and a eggplant."
"Now, get off my back."
Dude, I was not, like, a good husband.
I was f*cked up, you know.
I was addicted to porn.
I know,
billion-dollar industry, just me, right?
I was addicted to porn, and, you know…
I was 15 minutes late everywhere.
I got some witnesses.
When you watch too much porn,
you know what happens?
Here's what happens to you.
You become, like, sexually autistic.
You develop, like, sexual autism.
You have a hard time
with eye contact and verbal cues.
You want everything to be routine.
Like, you can't
choke your woman every night.
You got to mix it up. Choke-Out Thursdays.
[chuckles]
And what happens
when you watch too much porn?
You get desensitized, you know?
When you start watching porn,
it's like any porn will do.
Like, "Ah, they're naked." Ooh-hoo!
Then, later on, now you're all f*cked up
and you need a perfect porn cocktail…
to get you off, you know?
I was so f*cked up.
I'd need a Asian girl
with a Black girl's ass
that speaks Spanish…
just to get my d*ck to move an inch.
I'm good now. Man, I had to go to rehab,
get the porn patch.
I'm a lot better now.
Ladies, that's right,
take care of your man.
Fellas, take care of your wife,
your girlfriend.
Take care of her or she will leave you.
She will leave you
either physically or mentally.
A woman can leave you mentally.
That's right, like Star Trek,
just telepath out this m*therf*cker.
There's guys, they think
they're with their wife right now.
But no, n*gga, she left you months ago.
She just came 'cause you got tickets.
She ain't with you, she with me.
Man, the older you get,
the bullshit you learn…
One thing,
the gangster-est shit in the world.
You learn nothing more gangster,
nothing smarter,
nothing more powerful than a housewife.
Housewives are the smartest
m*therf*ckers on Earth.
People think it's the working woman. No.
Suckers work.
[chuckles]
That's right.
Smart people
find other people to work for them.
That's right, that's right.
They got The Housewives of Atlanta.
They don't got
The Working b*tches of Atlanta.
Nobody would watch that show.
A housewife's a bad m*therf*cker, boy.
'Cause a housewife
has convinced her husband
that it's his house, too.
There's a lot of guys in here,
right now, think they own a house,
think it's their house, too.
No, she took that house years ago,
and the kids were in on it.
That's right.
The housewife is a bad m*therf*cker.
'Cause the housewife got a little time.
That's right.
So before Daddy come home,
the housewife get the kids together
and they rehearse a little play…
that they do when Daddy get home.
"Daddy gonna be here in five minutes.
You know your lines?"
"I miss you, Daddy."
"Good. Good."
"You say that soon as he walk in, okay?"
"I need you to grab his leg
and don't let go."
"I'm gonna give him
a big piece of chicken,
and when he fall asleep,
we go back to having our house. Ha-ha!"
That's right, fellas,
you don't own a house.
If you live with a woman,
you don't have a house.
That is her f*cking house.
The only man
that owns anything is a single man, okay?
And, fellas, here's a test right now.
If you really think you own a house…
Just a test.
Okay, fellas, tonight, when you go home,
I want you to try…
I want you to try…
Fellas, when you go home tonight,
I want you to try
to hang up a picture of your mother.
It's your house, right?
Give it a shot.
"What's that?"
"It's a picture of my mother."
"I don't like that frame."
You'll never see that picture again.
Maybe at your mother's funeral,
she'll go, "Look what I found."
m*therf*cker.
And don't get mad.
Do not get mad at your woman.
Whatever you do, do not get mad.
'Cause if you get mad at your woman,
she will get mad at you.
And you're mad 'cause you can't
hang up a picture of your mother.
But she's mad at you
for having the audacity
to get mad at her.
You're actually mad
about a actual thing she did.
And she's just mad that you had the nerve
to react to the thing that she did.
You didn't do nothing,
now you gotta apologize
to move this shit on.
Like, "Hey, baby, I'm sorry."
"I should've known
my mother's face didn't deserve
to be on the walls of our house."
"Uh, I will never do
something that stupid again."
"Uh, maybe I'll hang it up
in my office or something."
"I would appreciate it.
Um, thank you. Thank you, honey."
"I love you." [chuckles]
"If it helps, f*ck my mother.
Okay? f*ck her."
[chuckles]
Oh, man. And if she gets real mad…
If your woman gets real mad,
then she'll issue a p*ssy strike.
You don't want that.
Nothing worse than a p*ssy strike.
That's right.
Remember the p*ssy strike of 2013?
That was a tense negotiation.
The union was tough.
That's right, man.
p*ssy strike. p*ssy embargo.
p*ssy sanctions.
Treat your d*ck like it's Cuba.
That's right.
p*ssy strike is the most deadly w*apon
in the female arsenal.
But it has to be deployed correctly.
Lot of women don't know
how to give the p*ssy strike.
That's right. Some of y'all don't know
how to give a proper p*ssy strike.
Here's the thing about a p*ssy strike.
The p*ssy strike only works
if you f*ck your husband regularly.
That's right. You can't thr*aten a man
with sex he don't ever get.
It's like, "I ain't gonna suck your d*ck."
"You don't suck my d*ck now."
"What other fantasy things
are you gonna take out my life?"
"You want to take the keys
to my spaceship?"
"You want to take my pet tiger?
What else?"
"What else you gonna take?"
That's right.
Ladies, you gotta f*ck your husbands.
You gotta f*ck 'em!
You have to f*ck these m*therf*ckers.
You have to do it.
'Cause if you don't f*ck him,
he will build up antibodies to your p*ssy.
That's right.
The more you f*ck him, the weaker he is.
But if you don't f*ck him,
he will build up his own opinion.
You don't want that.
Eyes on the prize.
Eyes on the f*cking prize!
[chuckles]
Shit, man.
Here's a thing, too. Here's another
good reason to f*ck your husband.
God forbid
you're ever in a horrible train accident.
That's right.
And your whole body is mangled
and ripped up.
And the only thing left…
is the p*ssy.
And your husband
has to come down to the morgue
and identify the p*ssy
so you could get a proper burial.
If you haven't been having sex,
that's gonna be hard.
And he gets down there,
the mortician's like,
"I'mma pull back this sheet,
and when I do,
I need you to identify the p*ssy, okay?"
And he pulls back the sheet
and your husband's like,
"I don't know."
"I-I can't really…"
"I can't, uh…"
[chuckles nervously]
"You sure she was on the train?"
"Uh…"
"Uh, can you make it go like this?"
[pretend-crying] "That's my wife."
"That's my wife."
[chuckles]
Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband,
got a good man, hold on tight,
or another woman will take your husband.
They'll take him.
There's women in here right now
with stolen husbands.
You know who you are.
You're like, "That bitch was slipping."
That's right, hold tight
or another woman will take your man.
Fellas,
you don't got to really worry about that.
Nobody's taking your wife.
Oh, don't get me wrong,
they'll f*ck your wife.
Oh, they'll f*ck her good.
They'll f*ck her better than you.
But they're not gonna take her.
There's no guy going,
"Yeah, I want her to yell at me
the way she yells at him."
"I wanna live in a house
with no pictures of my mother."
Oh, they'll f*ck her
and then they'll return her.
"I believe this is yours."
"The bitch had me
feeling bad about myself."
[chuckles]
Oh, man.
I f*cked up, man. Divorce, man.
You don't want no parts of this shit, man.
Hey, it's my fault
'cause I'm a f*cking assh*le, man, just…
I wasn't a good husband.
I wasn't a good husband.
I didn't listen.
I wasn't kind.
True, true, you know.
You know, I had a attitude.
I thought, "I pay for everything.
I can do what I want."
That shit don't f*cking work.
You know,
I just thought I was the shit, man.
Uh, I didn't play the tambourine.
You got to play the tambourine.
Everybody got to play the tambourine.
I cheated.
Yeah, I'm serious. I'm not-- I'm not--
I'm not bragging. I cheated.
I was on the road and…
I end up sleeping
with three different women.
It's like f*cked up.
You know what's f*cked up?
Here's the thing.
When guys cheat,
it's like, we want something new.
We want something new, right?
But then you know what happens?
Your woman finds out,
and now, she's new.
She's never the same again.
So now you got new, but you got a bad new.
You know, you got bad f*cking new, man.
Every woman here right now is like,
"f*ck you, Chris. What the f*ck, man?
I thought…"
"You, I thought you was all right. You?"
"Come on, Chris,
what the f*ck is wrong with you?"
"What the f*ck is wrong with men?"
I know a bunch of women
are thinking that right now.
Every woman in here is like,
"f*ck you, Chris."
And every guy in here right now is going,
"Three?"
"That's it? Just three?"
"g*dd*mn, man."
"I work at UPS.
I got more hoes than that."
"Three?"
"You must've really loved your wife."
"You a romantic."
[chuckling]
Yo, man, it's f*cked, man.
I remember, right,
when my divorce was final,
I was at a party,
and I saw Rihanna.
I was like,
"Okay. Let's start this again."
So, I'm at this party. I see Rihanna.
I was like,
"Okay. Let me say, 'What's up?'"
And I'm like,
I said, "How you doing, Rihanna?"
You ever forget how old you are?
Rihanna looked at me
like I was one of her aunts. Like…
She didn't even register me
as a d*ck-carrying member of society.
Like, I would've had a easier time
f*cking Aretha Franklin.
[chuckles]
And I mean that respectfully, okay?
[laughs]
She was asking me about other dudes.
"Have you seen Ray J?"
I'm like, "f*ck Ray J."
"I hate that n*gga."
Yo, you don't want to get divorced, man.
This shit is no joke, man.
I had to go through
a custody fight for my kids,
just to see my kids, man.
That shit's f*cked up, man.
First of all, you don't
wanna be a man in family court,
and you don't wanna be
a Black man in any court.
Yeah. Even the Black judge
comes to work with his lawyer,
and he keeps his robe on all day.
Writes "judge" on the back,
just in case somebody thinks
it's a n*gga with a cape.
"Is that a n*gga with a cape?"
"Nope, just the judge."
Yo, man, I was in court.
That shit was scary, man.
Like, to not know if you're gonna be able
to f*cking see your kids. You know?
And when I got divorced,
I wanted it to be smooth.
So, I bought a house
around the corner, okay?
Like, f*cking quarter of a mile,
like, right around the f*cking corner.
Damn near the same house, okay?
But… wasn't enough, man.
I went in there, that judge was like,
"Uh, Mr. Rock,
I need to see pictures
of the beds in the bedroom
to make sure
the children have a place to sleep."
I was like, "What?
You think I got a manger, what?"
"Like, I got a million-dollar house
with no beds?"
Okay. Show them the picture, right?
But that wasn't enough.
Then the judge was like, "Mr. Rock,
I need to see pictures of the refrigerator
and the food inside
to make sure the children
have enough to eat."
I'm like…
"What have you heard about me?"
"I'm Chris Rock, not Chris Brown."
[chuckles]
Yo, man.
Yo, fellas,
I hope none of you get divorced.
I'm telling you right now,
if you ever
do anything good for your kids,
take a picture of that shit.
If you hug 'em, take a picture.
If you feed 'em, take a picture.
'Cause you never know
when you might need receipts of love.
Winter is coming.
Whoo! But it worked out. I got my kids.
I got my kids, okay.
I see my kids all the time.
I got my custody.
Shit worked out, okay?
But that shit was like humiliating, man.
Trying to prove your parenthood, man.
So I know I said you're not supposed
to compete in a relationship,
but after you go through that shit,
you're like, "Am I gonna lose my kids?"
I was like, "Yo, I'm going hard
every time I have my kids."
I always went hard,
but I'm going extra hard.
"I don't know what you're doing
at your mother's house,
but we're gonna top that shit…
every m*therf*cking time, okay?"
Sometimes I bring guest stars.
I make sure
they go back to her with a story like,
"Mama, Mama,
Drake helped me with my homework."
[chuckles]
"Lady Gaga made me
a grilled cheese sandwich."
You all think I'm bullshitting.
Then check my Instagram, all right?
And the crazy thing is…
So after you
get through the custody thing,
then you got to divide the money,
that's f*cking scary shit, man.
And whoever… Whoever…
makes the most money has to pay
the legal fees for the other person,
so I had to pay
for a lawyer to divorce me.
That's like hiring a hitman to k*ll you.
It's like, "Okay. Here's a picture of me."
"I'mma be at Burger King at 10:38, okay?"
"sh**t me in the head and give me a call."
So…
I'm in court…
Yo, one day I'm in court,
and I'm just looking around,
and she got three lawyers,
I got three lawyers.
Shit's expensive as f*ck.
She got three lawyers,
I got three lawyers.
The judge, the bailiff, the stenographer.
I'm looking
at all these m*therf*ckers, man.
It's like, "Wow,
look at this whole… town, just here."
I'm looking at all these people
and realize,
everybody in this room
is far more educated than me, everybody.
I dropped out of Boys High, okay?
I got college m*therf*ckers
coming at me, right?
And I realized everybody in the room
was born
to much better circumstances than me.
I'm from Bed-m*therf*cking-Stuy, baby.
And everybody in there
is there to take my money.
It's like, everybody in here
is gonna leave with more money except me.
And they got up that morning,
they brushed their teeth,
they put on suits, they fixed their hair
with the sole purpose of taking my shit.
And at that moment, I realized something.
I made it.
I made it.
Started from the bottom, now I'm here.
I made it, man.
After that, I was like, "f*ck it.
Take it. Whatever you need, take it."
"I'll be all right.
I'mma work. It's gonna be good."
'Cause here's the crazy thing, man.
Some of these lessons,
you just gotta learn.
Like, I bought
this shit on myself, you know.
Nobody told me to go hoe up, you know.
[chuckles]
I brought this shit on myself.
And you got to learn some lessons,
some man lessons, okay?
I know it's hard being a woman,
but there's a coldness
that you have to accept when you're a man,
especially a Black man.
It's like, the world
is cold as a m*therf*cker, okay?
You get older, the one thing I learned…
Only women, children and dogs…
are loved unconditionally.
Women, children and dogs
are loved unconditionally.
A man is only loved
under the condition
that he provides something, okay?
I've never heard a woman in my life say,
"You know, after he got laid off,
we got so much closer."
[chuckles]
[laughs sarcastically]
You ain't never heard that shit.
No, no, no.
I once heard my grandmother say,
"A broke man is like a broke hand.
Can't do nothing with it."
What kind of gangster shit is that?
That's right. Women, children
and dogs are loved unconditionally.
A man is only loved under the condition
that he provides something.
That's right. Fellas,
when you meet a new girl,
what do your friends ask you?
"What she look like?"
Ladies, when you meet a new guy,
what do your friends ask you?
"What does he do?"
"What the f*ck does that n*gga do
that can help you out?"
"Can this m*therf*cker
facilitate a dream or not?"
[chuckles]
That's right.
Every man in this room
is a job loss away
from losing their woman.
[chuckles]
You think you know her right now,
you don't know shit.
Lose your job for three weeks,
m*therf*cker, and you will meet her.
Every man in this room
is a job loss away. Okay?
Even right now, Michelle Obama
is looking at Barack going,
"What's your plans, n*gga?"
"How's that book turning out?"
"I need to see some pages."
Yo, man.
It's a harsh, cold world, man.
But I brought this on myself, man.
When you get older, you learn shit, man.
But, you know, women cheat, too.
Women cheat.
We don't do this shit by ourselves.
Women cheat, too.
They're just better at it than guys.
Guys, we're horrible cheats.
We always get caught late night,
come home smelling like hotel soap.
Your woman's like, "What's that smell?"
"I don't know."
Then you take off your clothes
and a little bar of soap
falls out your ass.
"I knew it!"
It's crazy that guys, we get caught
so easy. We get caught so easy.
It's so easy to catch us
'cause it's always the new chick.
It's the new chick at work,
new chick at school.
"Ah, that bitch."
Women, when you catch a woman,
it's always some m*therf*cker
you done met ten times.
[chuckles]
He been all up in your house,
he drank your Pellegrino.
Then one day you give him a good look,
you're like, "Wait a minute."
"Craig ain't in the book club."
[chuckles]
"This n*gga can't read."
Oh, man. I'm retired, I'm…
This cheat shit, I'm done.
I'm done. You get a certain age,
you got in a lot of shit,
lose enough shit, it's like,
"f*ck this, I'm done cheating."
I… Hey, I love p*ssy,
but I like peace more.
Peace is better than p*ssy.
Peace makes my d*ck hard.
I need m*therf*cking peace, m*therf*cker.
You wanna be my girl, be peaceful.
Just some peace, m*therf*cker.
That's right. I ain't cheating at all.
I mean, unless Rihanna, you know.
Like I keep half a Viagra in my wallet,
just in case she ever
goes through an "old comedians" phase.
"Rihanna f*cked Eddie Griffin.
Shit, I gotta get over there."
"f*cking Eddie Griffin. g*dd*mn!"
It's all good, man.
Now I'm dating. I'm actually dating.
It's just weird, man. It's weird.
I was married for a long time.
You know, I date some girls my age
and some little younger.
That shit is crazy, man.
Yo, shit has changed.
These girls f*ck fast now.
They f*ck fast and they leave.
They just get the f*ck out your house.
They just f*ck and leave.
I'm like, "Where are you going?"
"It's your place."
[chuckles]
They used to wanna cuddle or something.
Them m*therf*ckers be gone.
And they f*ck immediately.
I'm a grown man and I'm like,
"This is inappropriate."
[chuckles]
My God, young girls like to get on top.
Always wanna get on top.
"Let me ride it, Daddy.
Let me get on top."
"Let me ride. Let me get on top."
"Let me ride it,
let me ride it, let me ride."
You can't get no
She's like,
"n*gga, you lucky I'm laying like this."
"I'll turn over to help you finish,
but that's about it."
"These knees are delicate."
But them young girls like,
"Let me get on top."
"Let me get on top.
Let me ride it. Let me get on top."
I'm laying back,
this girl's bouncing on my d*ck,
I can't tell if I'm f*cking
or changing oil.
"Let me get on top.
Let me get on top. Let me ride it."
"Let me ride it."
Shit, I'm on Tinder right now
under my own name.
My friends are like,
"You can't be under your own name."
"What if you find a woman that just
wants you because you're Chris Rock?"
I'm like, "But I am Chris Rock."
"What should I put,
Cedric the Entertainer?"
Shit, my profile picture
on Tinder right now
is me, butt naked,
holding a microphone…
and a tambourine.
I'm out of here. Y'all take care.
Thank you.
[mic thuds]
["Can I Live II" by JAY-Z playing]
♪ Yeah, is y'all n*gg*s finished, yo? ♪
♪ Is y'all n*gg*s finished? ♪
♪ Got your little radio play
Your little BDS, huh ♪
♪ You finished, n*gga? ♪
♪ Huh, huh, y'all finished? ♪
♪ Can I live, huh? ♪
♪ Can I live, yo, you're being stingy
With the f*cking music again, yo ♪
♪ Yo, yo… Yo I blacks out
I pulls the MAC out ♪
♪ Scream "What's that about?"
Then I clap out ♪
♪ I get my plot on and my drop on
Through the rotten ♪
♪ Don't even hate on those who hate me
I got Pac on ♪
♪ Feeling it
Chickens are ice grilling it ♪
♪ Cops pulling it over
Jigga react militant ♪
♪ Speed off
Officer told me turn the beat off ♪
♪ I turned it a level higher
Then return the devil's fire ♪
♪ I'm raised different
React in situations n*gg*s lay stiff in ♪
♪ Rookies blame it on the age difference ♪
♪ My subliminal flows
Create criminal odes ♪
♪ Sing along if y'all with me
Till the end of the road ♪
♪ I'm cynical
When in the view of the public ♪
♪ And this is because
I'm defensive when I'm in interviews ♪
♪ The percentage who don't understand
Is higher than the percentage who do ♪
♪ Check yourself
What percentage is you? ♪
♪ Can I live, for all my n*gg*s
With all white Air Force Ones ♪
♪ And black g*ns, stack ones, yo ♪
♪ Can I live, for all my chicks… ♪
-You're the best.
-[Chris] You're the best.
-[Dave] Whatever it is…
-[man 1] We're all the best.
Whatever you do, your shit moves me.
Like, I seek it out…
I would rather see this than the old days,
when Michael and Prince were fighting,
and one m*therf*cker
end up falling off a light pole.
[man 1] Yeah. Oh, f*ck, yeah.
I saw that.
f*ck them, you know?
You know that story?
-[man 1] I remember.
-Oh, my God.
Eddie and Richard
only got together for the movie.
They were not cool.
Richard and Cosby weren't cool.
The first time I saw
Eddie and Richard together,
Richard's on stage in The Original Room.
And he's performing.
And Rashon brings him a note.
And Richard looks at the note,
and he puts it away
and he keeps working a little bit.
The note says, "Eddie Murphy is here."
So, Richard's working.
Richard finally says,
"There's a young man here.
A lot of people say that he's the new me,
but I'm not finished being me yet,
so that shit is… That fucks with me…"
"His name is Eddie Murphy."
And everybody goes crazy. He says,
"You wanna come up,
so I can get to know you?"
-[Chris chuckling] Oh, my gosh.
-Oh, wow!
Oh, wow!
"How about put your hands together
for Eddie Murphy."
Eddie walks in the main room,
comes up to that one step on, right.
He steps up on the stage,
they shake and meet for the first time,
and Richard walks away, but doesn't leave.
He sits on that step,
that one step down in The Original Room,
he sits,
and sits and watches Eddie work.
So, for Eddie, it's like,
Richard's sitting here…
-Oh, man.
-[Chris chuckles]
…and Eddie turns the m*therf*cker out.
And Richard stands at the end,
and Eddie comes to the step,
they walk away together.
It was the greatest f*cking moment.
Yeah, I'll say it…
♪ Two kids, one job, and no man ♪
♪ All my chicks getting that washing set
With their welfare check ♪
♪ Haha, all the mamis dame un beso
All right ♪
♪ Yeah
All my n*gg*s rocking them fitted caps ♪
♪ Trying to get at this rap
Know what I mean? ♪
♪ All my cats with open cases
Big cars, and no license ♪
♪ I like that shit, I see y'all ♪
♪ All my n*gg*s that say pause
After they say some f*cked up shit ♪
♪ Haha, rock on and, uh… ♪
♪ Jigga shit
Roc-A-Fella forever, yo ♪
♪ Uh, Major Coins… ♪
Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut (2021)
Moderator: Maskath3