Dave Chappelle: The Closer (2021)

[bunniefuu]

Thank you.

Everybody have a seat,

be comfortable, relax.

I got to tell you... let's go.

Thank you.

I need you guys to know something.

And I'm gonna tell you the truth,

and don't get freaked out.

This is going to be my last special

for a minute.

It is all good. Listen to me.

I did it in Detroit for that reason.

That's right.

You wanna know why?

'Cause I talked so much sh*t about

Detroit in the first special

I figured, I might as well,

do the last special here.

Sorry about that, by the way.

First of all, before I even start,

I'm gonna say that "I'm rich and famous."

And the only reason I say that

is 'cause the last 17 months were hell,

and I cannot imagine

what everybody went through.

Well, I'm happy to see you

and I'm happy you're well

and I hope everyone you love is okay.

I don't want you to worry about me,

I'm...

vaccinated, I...

got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine.

I got to admit,

that's probably the most

niggaish decision

I've made in a long time.

I walk in to the doc like,

"Give me the third best option."

I'll have what the homeless

people are having.

So far, so good.

And I know you probably heard on the news,

I did get coronavirus.

And it was something else.

Like, okay first of all, when the doctor

told me I had coronavirus

I got to tell you,

I was surprised how it made me feel.

I felt dirty.

I felt gross.

'Cause I've been walking around Texas

just touching door knobs and sh*t,

hands all moist.

Tipping n*gg*s with cash.

"Here, take this to your family."

I must have k*lled

thousands of people.

Just trying

to get tonight's show together

so I hope you appreciate it

'cause a lot of n*gg*s d*ed

for me to get this one off.

I hadn't felt that dirty

in a long time.

Last time I can remember,

feeling dirty like that,

man, I must have been a little boy.

I was being molested by a preacher.

But don't feel bad for me,

I liked it.

I used to get a kick out of cumming

in that fellows face.

Well, he asked me to do it.

They make you quarantine.

I had to quarantine for ten days at

least.

They said "You're gonna have to stay

in the room," I didn't go nowhere.

And it started making me nuts,

'cause I would just sit in the room

and watch videos all day.

Now, do you know what I was watching?

And I hate to say this,

but there was a lot of videos

sadly, of Black people...

b*ating up Asians for no reason.

These att*cks were unprovoked,

I couldn't believe it.

And I was sitting in the room

watching this sh*t,

it would stress me out.

I was stressed already

because the whole time

when you get coronavirus,

at least the first five days

you wait, and see

how sick you're gonna get.

And it turns out, and this is true...

I didn't get sick at all.

Not a cough, not a booger,

not a fever, nothing.

Look at me

I am the Magic Johnson of coronavirus.

I just sat in the crib

and got stronger all week.

But I was stressed, 'cause I kept watching

these videos of my beloved Black people

b*ating up my beloved Asian people,

and being so cruel.

And the whole time I watched those videos,

this is f*cked up

but I couldn't help but feel like...

When I saw these brothers

b*ating these Asians up.

It's probably what's happening

inside of my body.

I didn't get sick.

I also saw a lot of videos of UFOs.

I mean, what the f*ck has been going on

with that sh*t?

This n*gg*s are here.

These UFOs keep coming to Earth

and it made me think of an idea

for a movie.

Sounds dumb, but hear me out.

In my movie idea

we find out that these aliens

are originally from Earth.

That they are from an ancient civilization

that achieved interstellar travel

and left the Earth

thousands of years ago.

Some other planet that they go to

and things go terrible

for them in the other planet

so they come back to Earth

and decide that they want to claim

the Earth for their very own.

It is a pretty good plotline?

Yeah!

I call it Space Jews.

Space Jews.

- We loved it!

- Alright.

It's going to get worse than that,

hang in there.

It is going to get way worse than

that.

Then I thought of an idea

for a children's book.

I actually wrote it.

It is coming out soon.

The book is designed to help parents,

teach their children about racism

which, if you're a parent you know

is an impossible concept

to teach to a child.

But I'm doing it.

The book is about

a big, strong beautiful Black man

with a benign,

regular-ass White name...

and he has a White speaking voice.

So whenever this m*therf*cker calls

to get a reservation at a restaurant,

he gets the reservation.

That name and that voice,

who could resist him?

Now I should tell you, this Black man

is literally an actual giant.

And he is a strong dude.

And when he shows up to them restaurants

they see that big giant Black dude

they say "You can't come in here."

And they call the police.

And then every installment of the

book

the police come,

and they always sh**t him.

But remember, no,

remember this guy is a giant,

these b*ll*ts don't k*ll him,

they don't even hurt him.

They just break his heart.

It is called Clifford,

the Big Black n*gga, anyone?

This is my last special,

because I have an objective tonight.

I came here tonight...

because this body of work,

that I've done on Netflix

I'm going to complete.

All the questions you might have had

about all these jokes

I'd said in the last few years

I hope to answer tonight.

And I would like to start by addressing

the LBGTQ community, correct.

And I want every member

of the community to know

that I've come here tonight in peace.

And I hope to negotiate

the release of DaBaby.

Sad story!

DaBaby

was the number one streaming artist

until about a couple of weeks ago.

Took a nasty spill onstage,

and said some...

said some wild stuff

about the LBGTQ community

during a concert in Florida.

Now you know, I go hard in the paint

but even I saw that sh*t was like,

"God damn, DaBaby."

He pushed the button, didn't he?

He pushed the button.

Punched the LBGTQ community,

right in the AIDS.

Can't do that.

Can't do that.

But I do believe

and I'll make this point later

that the kid

made a very egregious mistake.

I will acknowledge that.

But, you know a lot of the LBGTQ community

doesn't know DaBaby's history,

he's a wild guy.

He once sh*t a n*gga...

and k*lled him, in Walmart.

This is true, Google it.

DaBaby sh*t and k*lled a n*gga in

Walmart in North Carolina.

Nothing bad happened to his career.

Do you see where I am going with

this?

In our country,

you can sh**t and k*ll a n*gga

but you better not hurt

a gay person's feelings.

And this is precisely the disparity

I wish to discuss.

I have a question for the audience

and this is a real question,

I am not joking around.

Is it possible, that a gay person

can be r*cist?

Yes! Yeah!

- Do you really think so?

- Yeah!

Of course it is possible.

Look at Mike Pence.

I am guessing,

but I bet you, he is gay.

- Yeah.

- My God.

And he is not pride parade gay either,

he is sad gay.

I feel bad for him.

He looks like one of them gays

that prays about it.

Jesus, please take these dirty feelings

out of my heart.

Please Jesus,

make these buttholes ugly to me.

I don't want

to keep on tasting these dicks.

Funny.

You guys are confusing your emotions.

You think I hate gay people

and what you're really seeing

is that I'm jealous of gay people.

I'm jealous,

I'm not the only Black person,

that feels this way.

We Blacks,

we look at the gay community and we go

"God damn it!

Look how well that movement is going."

"Look how well you are doing."

And we've been trapped in this predicament

for hundreds of years.

How the f*ck

are you making that kind of progress?

I can't help but feel like

if slaves had baby oil

and booty shorts...

we might have been free

a hundred years sooner.

You know what I mean?

If Martin Luther King was like,

"I want everybody

to get up on them floats.

Get your bodies good and shiny."

I don't hate gay people at all,

I respect the sh*t out of you.

Well, not all of you.

I am not that fond of these newer

gays.

Too sensitive, too brittle.

Those aren't the gays that I grew up with,

I missed them old school gays, n*gga.

Them Stonewall n*gg*s,

them the ones that I respect.

They didn't take sh*t from anybody,

they fought for their freedom.

I respect that sh*t, I'm not even gay

and I want to be like a Stonewall

n*gga.

Them old school, gangster gays.

Them glory hole n*gg*s,

them the ones I like.

These new gays don't even know

what the glory hole is.

It's a hole in the wall,

that gay contractors build.

You want to know why

they put that hole in the wall?

I'll tell you,

there is no nice way to say it.

'Cause when they want

to have some fun

they will put their penises in that

hole

and hope for the best.

I respect that sh*t.

It's a lot of courage

on both sides of that hole n*gga.

I'm not even gay

and I want to try that glory hole

out.

What if Martin Luther King

had to integrate the glory hole?

"I don't care if it is Black lips

back there or White lips back there

a mouth is a mouth.

A warm wet mouth."

I'm going all the way.

I got into a fight.

I almost got into a fight,

it is complicated.

I was in a bar in Austin, with my

wife

and it was during Covid,

and a woman came to our table

and she was maskless,

and this bitch came over, no mask,

all "H" words. "Hi, how are you?"

Droplets was coming out

of this bitch's face.

We all covered our drinks.

Ew! Baby, what are you doing?

Now I looked over the table that she came

from, and I peeped game.

The men at the table were filming me.

This happens when you're famous.

People will come over

and try to rattle your cage

and get you

to say something stupid or dumb

so that their buddies can film it

and get a video

of you embarrassing yourself.

And clearly I said,

"This is what is happening."

And these dumb m*therf*ckers thought,

it was my first rodeo.

Sadly it worked.

I ran right over there, I said...

I pointed right in the camera

I said, "You is a bitch-ass n*gga

for doing this to me."

And the dude was shocked

that I said it. He said ""

And when he did like this,

I've seen all his fingernails

is painted and I realized like, "."

"This fellow is gay."

Yeah, you know how I talk.

I call everybody a bitch-ass n*gga.

You know what I mean?

But that is not a right thing to do

if they're gay. You know what I mean?

And now I was in trouble

and not only that,

the m*therf*cker was huge.

He stood up, he was towering over me.

He must have been 6' 5",

a big White corn-fed

Texas h*m*,

this n*gga was ready to fight.

And he started barking on me,

but I stood my ground, I wasn't scared.

How could I be scared?

This m*therf*cker's shirt was tied up

in a knot like this.

f*ck this guy.

Let's go, n*gga, let's go.

I thought we were going

to come to blows.

I was ready and then

right when you think we would fight,

guess what he did?

He picked up his phone

and he called the police.

And this, this thing I am describing

is a major issue

that I have with that community.

Gay people are minorities,

until they need to be White again.

I'm being very brutally honest,

so we can solve this problem.

I'm telling you right now

a Black gay person

would have never done that to me.

'Cause a Black gay person knows,

when the police shows up

they're not going to care

who called 'em.

They don't show up like,

"Which one of you n*gg*r*s is Clifford?"

We're all Clifford.

This happens far too often.

Another time, about six years ago,

there was a lesbian woman

that tried to sell a story

about me to TMZ.

Thank goodness, TMZ could see

right through the sham of that story.

This woman claimed

that I b*at her up in a night club

because she was a lesbian.

That is f*ckin' crazy.

Bitch, I didn't even know

you was a woman.

Thank God! TMZ didn't believe that

because I did b*at the sh*t out of her,

I am not gonna lie.

It was her fault, I had no choice.

I came into the club

minding my own business

and a woman came up to me,

and she goes

"My God, Dave Chappelle."

And I was just being reciprocally nice.

"Hey, miss, how are you?"

Blah, blah, blah.

Benign talk, nothing to it.

And all of a sudden

this lesbian fellow stepped

between us.

"Hey n*gga, that's my girl!"

I said, "Yo, my man, back up."

Like that.

She said, "I ain't backing up off sh*t,

n*gga, that's my girl!"

I said, "Bro, you gonna have to give me

three feet, like this."

She said, "Stop calling me a man,

m*therf*cker."

- I am a woman."

- I said, "What?"

And then I looked deep

in this n*gga's cheek bones.

And I said, "My God, you are a

woman."

This is too much for me

to even wrap my mind around

but I tell you what,

I un-balled my fist immediately

and I softened my posture

so that she would know,

she is in no danger.

I even changed the tone of my voice.

I said softly, sweetly,

like a pimp might say.

"Bitch, I'm 'bout to slap

the sh*t out of you."

I should have done it.

I wish I didn't say that.

She dropped that foot back,

she was in a perfect southpaw stance.

Her shoulders were angled correctly,

her head movement was good,

I said "No!

This bitch boxes for real."

She threw a wild hook at me

and I saw it coming from yesterday,

so I slipped it like this...

I had no choice, I had to go to

work.

I let that jab go,

you should have seen me go n*gga.

I tenderized them titties

like chicken cutlets.

I whooped the toxic masculinity

out of that bitch.

That is why I don't go out no more.

Just trying to chill,

I'm just trying to live a peaceful life.

That's why I live in Ohio,

you know, I live in a little town in Ohio.

Must be like 3700 people,

small hippie town.

Culturally you might feel like,

like Ann Arbor to you.

You know what I mean?

Bunch of hippies and sh*t like that.

And n*gg*s always ask me like,

"Dave, why do you live

in that hippie town?"

And I'd be embarrassed

to tell 'em the truth.

Well, you know why I live there?

Because Yellow Springs, Ohio

has the most beautiful women in the world.

And a lot of people

might disagree with me

but, you got to see them

for yourself, they're gorgeous.

But it all depends on what you're into.

You know what I mean?

I like White b*tches with dirty feet.

If I had a strip club in Yellow Springs,

I would have called that sh*t "Strippies."

All naked hippies, all the time.

And I would only hire girls

with long titties

and long vag*na head

that looks like they slept on it.

And I would keep a pile of dirt,

right next to the stage.

I'd come up like, "Bitch get your feet in

that dirt and get up there

and give those

people what they came to see."

"Chalk up, bitch."

Couple of years ago I was in Ohio,

at a shopping mall.

An old White lady... This is true,

she was following me

around the mall.

Which sounds paranoid,

but I'm sure she was following me.

Mean lady too.

You ever see a woman

with lines on her face?

That just tell you like...

Even if she's smiling,

it would look like it would hurt

the muscles in her face.

I knew she was following me,

'cause she was at places

that had nothing to do with her

I'd be looking around like,

"What is this old bitch doing in Gamestop

and Footlocker

and all the places I like to go?"

Every time I see her,

she'd just be looking mean on me.

And eventually I forgot about it.

So, then after, I am shopping

I go all the way to the back

of the parking lot,

I'm parked all the way in the back

and as soon as I open my car door

I hear a voice go,

"David Chappelle."

Just like that.

I didn't even have to look,

I knew it was her.

And I looked back and sure enough

there she was, that face.

To be honest with you,

she probably wasn't even that old.

She's probably around my age.

But she was a White woman,

this bitch looked terrible.

I'm going all the way.

I kept my cool, I was nice.

I said, "Hello, miss."

And she didn't say anything back,

all she said was

"I watch your comedy."

I said "."

And then she says,

this is true, she goes,

"Sounds to me...

like you, hate women."

I said, "Well, you know what, miss?

It's art."

You are free to interpret this art

however you like

but I can tell you

as the maker of this art

that I don't believe

that I feel that way.

And she said, "Well, I think..."

And I said, "Shut up, bitch!

Shut the f*ck up!"

"Before I k*ll you

and put you in the trunk.

Ain't nobody around here."

I'm just kidding, I didn't say that.

I felt that way,

but that's not what I said.

I was more clever than that.

You know what I said?

And this is exactly what I said,

I said,

"Miss, before you finish that statement,

let me ask you a question.

Where did you see me?

Did you buy a ticket to a concert

I did, I doubt that.

Or, maybe you watched one of my specials

on Netflix.

Or... Or... Did I follow you to your car

and do my act?"

She said, "What?"

I said, "Keep it in the comments section,

bitch, this is real life, ta-ta."

And then I drove off.

And now I got to tell you

and this is gonna surprise

some people here, but not everybody.

People say things to me all the time

but what you don't know,

is it does affect me.

I think about it.

And that one bothered me a lot,

I was driving home,

couldn't stop thinking

about what this woman said

because she is not the first woman

that said that to me.

It's puzzling. You know what I mean?

Like, what could I possibly be saying...

that would make these b*tches think,

I hate women.

Couldn't figure it out.

So, you know what I did?

I Googled the dictionary definition of a

feminist

just to make sure,

I was talking about the right thing.

And do you know, sir,

what the dictionary definition

of a feminist is?

I didn't either, listen to this.

Webster's defines a feminist

as a human being, not a woman,

a human being, that believes

in equal rights for women.

I was shocked,

'cause that is what that meant

'cause by that definition

I would consider myself a feminist,

and I didn't even know that at the time.

All these years,

I thought it meant frumpy d*ke.

Well, that seems always talking

to be some... chick in overalls,

"Men are trying to r*pe us."

"Not you bitch, will you please..."

I know, look, listen, I support the

feminist movement, I do

in my own ways.

Well, you guys did the women's march,

I tried to go and support you

and none of my friends would go with

me.

I asked all the fellows,

none of them wanted to go.

I tried everything. "Come on y'all,

there's gonna be b*tches there."

They was like, "Nope."

So what I did is,

I called my friend Anj.

Anj is a Black woman

who is a comedy writer and she's dope.

A matter of fact,

a matter of fact,

she's the only woman,

that I know personally

that pays her ex-husband alimony.

And she sounds just like a man

when she does it.

"f*ck that broke m*therf*cker"

and all that, she says all that sh*t.

So I hit Anj up, I hit her on the

text

and all I did, I texted. I said,

"Anj, are you going to the women's

march?"

And she texted me back,

and this is a real text, she said...

she said, "I hope

those White b*tches get tear gassed."

There is a problem

in that feminist movement, isn't there?

From its inception in America

there has always been a racial

component.

When Susan B. Anthony

was having that meeting

and Sojourner Truth's

Black ass showed up.

Read your history books.

All the White women

asked Sojourner Truth not to speak.

They didn't conflate the issues

of women's rights and sl*very.

But you know how Black b*tches are,

so Sojourner Truth went up there anyway.

She did a famous speech,

she said "Ain't I a woman?"

"Ain't I a woman?"

That's right. And listen, listen, listen.

I supported the "Me Too" movement,

but the whole time, the whole time

I thought that the way

they handled it was stupid.

It was, it was White, it was like...

they were doing sh*t, like going to

the Golden Globes

and all of them would be like

"Let's all go to the Golden Globes

and wear black dresses.

And give these men

a piece of our minds."

Bitch, that is not gonna work.

You think Martin Luther King

is gonna be like,

"I want everybody to keep riding the bus,

but wear matching outfits."

You got to get off the bus and walk.

It's real talk.

A real talk, that was a silly

movement.

"I want everybody to wear

crochet p*ssy hats

so they know we are serious."

What the f*ck was y'all doing?

And then I said something about it

in one of my specials

and all these women actresses

came after me.

I said, "Man,

f*ck y'all too, you canceled.

I ain't jerking off

to none of your pictures again."

They were like,

"Who is he to tell us anything?"

I'll tell you exactly who I am.

I'm the one that got off the bus

and left $50 million

on the bus and walked.

I agreed with these women.

I just didn't agree

with what they were doing about it.

Right. Right. No, it was annoying as

f*ck...

because if these women were serious,

you know what they would have done?

They all would have fired their

agents.

And they would have went

to the mailroom

of one of these big agencies

and found a woman

that was bustin' her hump in there

and said, "If you want to talk to us

then you have to talk to her."

And if they did that,

then she would be big,

and they would be big

and nobody would get fed to

Harvey Weinstein.

But did they do that?

- No!

- No.

Was that their idea? No.

Surprisingly it was mine.

What I think, the feminist movement needs

to be very successful...

is a male leader.

I'll do it.

I will. I will lead you women

to the promised land.

I will make sure

you will get equal pay for equal work.

I will make sure that nobody harasses you

or fucks with you on the job.

I will protect all of your interests.

And all that I ask for in return...

is that you suck my d*ck.

And now, we're right back to square one,

aren't we?

And now we get to the core

of the crisis.

What...

what is a woman?

What is that, in this day and time?

Is there even such a thing

as a woman or a man or anything?

Seems to be a question nowadays.

Now listen, women get mad at me

gay people get mad at me,

lesbians get mad at me,

but I'm gonna tell you right now,

and this is true...

these transgenders...

the n*gg*s want me dead.

I've gone too far,

I've said too much.

But I got to tell you,

I'm very worried about it.

I'm not even joking with you.

Every time I come out onstage,

I be scared.

I be lookin' around

the crowd, searching.

For knuckles and Adam's apples

to see where the threats might be

coming from.

A n*gga came up to me on the street

the other day.

He said, "Careful, Dave, they after you."

I said, "What?"

"One they, or many theys?"

Before I even say anything

about that community

you must know and I hope

you all feel the same way

I am not indifferent

to the suffering of someone else.

There's laws, the mean laws

in our country.

North Carolina passed a law once.

They said a person in North Carolina

must use the restroom

that corresponds with the gender

they were assigned

on their birth certificate.

No, no, no, no.

No, that is not a good law.

That is a mean law.

No American should have

to present a birth certificate

to take a sh*t at Walmart,

in Greensboro, North Carolina

where DaBaby sh*t and k*lled

a m*therf*cker.

You have to ask yourself,

if you're thinking about it,

who are these laws

designed to protect?

Like let's say they designed this law

to protect me,

my interests, transphobic comedian,

Dave Chappelle.

Let's say I'm in Walmart,

doing a little shopping with my family.

Now I should tell you

if that ever happens in real life,

you should know

my dreams didn't work out.

Well let's say

something goes horribly wrong

and there I'm in Walmart

with the poor Whites

rummaging around

for mediocre goods and services.

And then I got to go to the restroom.

So, I excuse myself from my family.

I go to the men's room.

Now I'm standing at the urinal,

taking a leak.

And this is what this law is gonna do.

And suddenly a woman

walks into the men's room.

I'm like, that's strange.

And then she stands

shoulder to shoulder

with me at the urinal, I'm gonna be like,

"Bitch, what's going on with you?"

And then she hikes her skirt up

and she pulls a real live,

meaty d*ck out!

What do you think I am going to say?

Thank God, she's in here with me.

At least now I know

my family is safe.

No, I'm not gonna feel that way at all,

I'm gonna feel very uncomfortable.

I would feel better if it was a man

with a vag*na

that backed up

to the urinal next to me.

I wouldn't even think about that,

I'd just be like, "That's funny."

"This guy is peeing out of his butt

for some reason."

"My God, he must be a Veteran,

thank you for your service."

I'm not indifferent to people's suffering

'cause I know it's hard to be everybody.

We Blacks, we just got

our first big holiday in a long time.

Happy belated Juneteenth

to the Blacks.

Juneteenth is a strange holiday,

isn't it?

- Yes.

- It commemorates

when Black people in Texarkana area

of the country

first found out that they were free.

But remember, they were free

when they found out.

They just didn't know it yet.

Very interesting holiday.

You know, I learned something

This is a wild story.

I learned this past Juneteenth

of a story, this is true.

And it's that there was a Black man

who was in South Carolina

during sl*very

who somehow got granted his freedom

by his so-called master.

And when his master granted him

the freedom

he also gave him a plot of land.

Now it turns out,

this brother was brilliant.

He had a good eye,

good knack for farming.

And he farmed this plot of land

very successfully

and made a lot of money,

and this is where the story gets crazy.

When he got all that money...

this n*gga brought some slaves.

Have you ever heard this before?

This is a true story.

Not only was he a sl*ve owner,

he became a sl*ve breeder.

And employed tactics that were so

cruel

even White sl*ve owners were like,

"Yo, my man."

He was a wild dude, but he did it

just because that's what successful people

did at the time.

He just wanted to be down,

what a f*ckin' tragedy.

How can a person

that went through sl*very

perpetuate the same evil

on a person that looks just like him.

It's mind blowing.

And shockingly,

they're making a movie about him.

Ironically... it is called Space Jews.

Space Jews.

The point of that story is

this person was invested

in a construct.

That was the construct

of successful people

and he just followed the roadmap

of successful people.

He followed what they called

"an incentive."

Now, everyone struggles

but I'm very invested

in the gender construct, personally.

'Cause I'm a man with kids,

and a wife, and

I like that warm, wet soft p*ssy

that my wife has.

This does not mean that I feel like

another point of view

can't exist.

I was doing a night club in Oakland,

16 years ago

and this was the first time

that the trans community

ever got mad at me that I knew about.

And then I was nobody,

I had just quit Chappelle Show.

It was like a nothing

hole in the wall club

and I was doing some transgender jokes

in Oakland, it was 16 years ago.

My pronoun game

was not as nice as it is today.

I went too far, I said things like

tr*nny and sh*t I didn't know these words

were bad, and a woman stood up

and just gave me the business.

Started screaming at me,

and I'm sure it was a woman.

But she kept calling me

transphobic and all this sh*t

I had never even heard these words before,

it was really weird.

I didn't trip, I just gazed

at Security

to look like, "Go on,

get that bitch out of here."

I kept it moving.

And then she went to the press.

The next day one

of the gay papers wrote

all of the same things she had said to me,

about me in the paper.

Misquoted the jokes,

and was calling me transphobic

you know, these words,

I had never heard them before but

every time that I talked with anybody

from the community since

they always repeat the talking points

from that article.

My least favorite of which being,

I hate this phrase

they say, "I was punching down on

them."

"Punching down",

what the f*ck does that mean?

Now fast forward.

It is 2019.

And I am in a restaurant in Ohio,

very nice restaurant.

It's Thanksgiving week.

And to be honest,

it is not a very nice restaurant, but

it is a nice restaurant,

if you're a White person from Ohio

that has never been anywhere before.

Picture Chili's.

I'm sitting in the bar,

I'm having a drink by myself

and the only other person in the bar

is a woman, a couple of stools down.

And she was alone, and she was older,

and that made me feel sad,

'cause it was the holidays.

So, I told the bartender,

"Send that woman a drink on me."

Just trying to spread the cheer,

and I wish I didn't.

This woman wanted to talk.

She wasn't mean, she was nice,

but she just wanted to talk about sh*t

that you know, I mean a n*gga

just trying to get drunk

don't want to hear about this bitch

remodeling in her bathroom.

And I'm sitting there,

trying to be polite.

Subway tiles? Word.

But then she hits a lick.

Piqued my interest.

She says, "My daughter is coming home

for the holidays."

Like, "That is great news,

I'm glad you're not going to be alone."

And then she goes on and on

about how great her daughter is.

I guess her daughter got a new agent

and she is out in Hollywood,

she's in movies and on television

and all this stuff

and as she's telling me this,

I'm thinking, this woman is so sweet.

She probably doesn't even know who I

am.

Or what I do for a living

because I know

what your daughter's

is out in Hollywood doing.

And then she goes,

"Would you like to see her picture?"

"Now I don't want to see

this woman's picture,

but what am I gonna do?"

I'm like, "Okay sure,

I'd love to see the picture."

And I grab the picture

and this is all I say, this is all I say,

she is very beautiful."

And as she puts the picture away

she... looks mean all of a sudden,

like she caught me in some kind of trap.

"What did that face mean?"

And then she goes, "She's transgender."

And I think to myself, "This bitch

does know who I am."

I really resented that trap

because that trap

doesn't let me be honest.

If I was honest,

I wouldn't have fallen for it.

I'd have just looked at the picture

like,

"Look at that big chiseled jawline,

that big thick Joe Rogan neck.

Is that a dude?

Is your daughter a man?"

Can't say that sh*t.

It's really annoying.

Fast forward,

now it's a couple of days later.

It's the Wednesday...

before the Thursday that's Thanksgiving,

and I'm in a totally different bar

and this bar, trust me,

is not a nice place.

It's foul, it's one of those bars

where the top shelf

should be under the sink.

This is where the poor Whites drink.

The Tiki torch Whites.

You know what I mean?

Them White people, they believe in "Q"

and they love Tr*mp. You know what I

mean? Like Michigan White people.

I remember I was at this bar one time,

it was that kind of bar it is.

I was in there one time,

I was f*cked up

and I turned around

to everybody in the bar

and go "Hey everybody, I am going to buy

everyone in the bar a round of drinks."

And all the m*therf*ckers

was like, "Hurrah!"

And the bartender knew I was drunk,

so she pulled me aside.

"Mr. Chappelle, are you sure about

that?"

That's going to be 16 dollars.

Tough time for the Whites.

And this was a holiday weekend.

You know what I mean?

These m*therf*ckers

were having a rootin' tootin' time.

They was in there partying,

making all them noises.

"Ooh! Yeow!"

You know all them noises

White people make before lynching?

They was doing all that sh*t.

I was drunk.

I looked over my shoulder,

I thought I was trippin'.

Guess who was in the bar?

I thought I was seeing things,

I looked across the room

and I saw...

the trans-bitch from the picture.

I couldn't believe it.

I said "What is a trans person,

doing in a place like this?

This is very dangerous behavior."

And she was with, two big, buff,

gay Black dudes.

I didn't know these dudes,

but I know they was gay.

If they had a d*ck in their mouth,

they wouldn't look any gayer

than they did just sitting there.

They had 1980s gay face.

You know what that is?

Remember in the '80s

when gay people looked surprised

all the time.

"Close your mouth, n*gga,

what is surprising", you know what I mean?

But they was huge, they looked like

Jussie Smollett's trainers.

And I am thinking, "Man these

m*therf*ckers are in a lot of trouble."

So what I do is I stand up

and everybody in the bar likes me,

so I make a big show of it

to make sure that everyone can hear

me.

Now, I walk right up to her,

and I go

"Hey! I just met your mother

the other night

and she told me all the great things

you're doing in Hollywood.

And I cannot believe

that someone

from a podunk place like this

can achieve all that, I'm so proud

of you.

Welcome home."

And the whole bar said "Hurrah!"

And I said ""

"That ought to buy her some time."

You know what I mean?

A couple of more drinks

and these fellows are gonna start

asking her for some p*ssy,

she might not have.

And she was very gracious.

She said "Thank you so much",

and we shook hands

and as she was shaking my hand,

her face turned mean, like her mom's.

And she said, "Do you mind, not punching

down on my people?"

I don't like that.

Normally, I would've let it go,

but I was drunk.

I said, "What might you mean, bitch?"

I was careful to call her a bitch,

'cause I didn't want to blow her cover.

Turns out she wasn't hiding.

She was loud, she was proud.

She let me have it

in front of everybody.

Screaming at me, all the talking points

from that article.

You transphobic, this and that.

Kept clapping her hands

in my face.

"Let me tell you somethin'."

I said, "Where did you learn this from,

Black b*tches?" She kept going,

"Let me tell you something, honey."

So annoying.

She kept calling transgenders, her

people.

Ain't that weird?

"My people this, my people that."

I said, "What do you mean, your

people?"

Were you all kidnapped in Transylvanian,

brought here as slaves?

She said, "My people have struggled

for decades, honey, decades."

And I looked at them

gay Black dudes, like.

"Is there anything

you n*gg*s need to tell this bitch?

Clifford, Clifford?"

I am exaggerating,

she is actually a very nice person

and I'm cool with her now,

but boy, that sh*t got on my nerves.

And it got on my nerves because, whenever

someone says that to me

I know they have never seen me

for themselves, they just repeat

what they've heard.

Any of you, who have ever watched me

know

that I've never had a problem

with transgender people.

If you listen to what I'm saying, clearly

my problem

has always been with White people.

I've been arguing with the Whites

my entire career.

Just when I thought I had you guys

on the ropes

you changed all the rules.

"Yeah?"

- Yeah, m*therf*cker!

- "Well."

I am a girl now, n*gg*r.

You must treat me as such.

"Call me a girl, n*gg*r."

It's annoying as f*ck.

No, no, go back, go back

tonight after the show,

watch every special I did on Netflix.

Listen to everything

I've ever said about that community.

I'll go through 'em.

I said, "How much do I have to participate

in your self image?"

I said, "You shouldn't discuss this

in front of Black people."

I said, "I know n*gg*s in Brooklyn

that wear high heels just to feel safe."

I asked you "Why is it easier

for Bruce Jenner

to change his gender

than it is for Cassius Clay

to change his name?"

If you listen to what I'm saying,

I'm not even talking about them,

I'm talking about us

and "they don't listen."

It's very annoying.

And they have canceled people,

more powerful than me.

They canceled J.K. Rowling, my God.

J.K. Rowling wrote

all the Harry Potter books by herself.

She sold so many books,

the Bible worries about her.

And they canceled it because,

she said in an interview

and this is not exactly what she said,

but effectually she said

that gender was a fact.

And then the trans community

got mad as sh*t,

they started calling her a TERF.

I didn't even know,

what the f*ck that was.

But I know that trans people make up words

to win arguments.

So I looked it up.

TERF is an acronym.

It stands for Trans-exclusionary

radical feminist.

This is a real thing,

this is a group of women...

that hate transgender.

They don't hate transgender women but

they look at trans women

the way we Blacks

might look at Black face.

It offends them like, "This bitch

is doing an impression of me."

Now I shouldn't speak on this

because I'm not a woman

nor am I a trans.

But as we've established...

I am a feminist.

That's right.

I'm team TERF.

I agree.

I agree, man.

Gender is a fact.

You have to look at it

from a woman's perspective.

Look at it like this,

Caitlyn Jenner

whom I have met, wonderful person.

Caitlyn Jenner... was voted,

woman of the year.

Her first year as a woman.

Ain't that something?

b*at every bitch in Detroit.

She's better than all of you.

Never even had a period,

ain't that something?

I'd be mad as sh*t if I was a woman.

I'd be mad if I was me.

If I was in the BET awards,

sitting there and they're like

"And the winner for

n*gg*r of the year... Eminem."

My man.

Gender is a fact, this is a fact.

Every human being in this room,

every human being on Earth

had to pass through the legs of a woman

to be on Earth.

That is a fact.

Now...

I am not saying that to say,

that trans women aren't women.

I'm just sayin,

that those pussies that they got...

You know what I mean?

I'm not saying it is not p*ssy,

but that's like

Beyond p*ssy or Impossible p*ssy.

You know what I mean?

It tastes like p*ssy

but that's not quite what it is, is it?

It's not blood, that is beet juice.

Buddy, I'm in trouble now.

Before I go, I want

to share this story with you

because it is important

to this point.

I want your community to know

that one of the coolest people I ever met

was a transgender woman.

And this is not a man that I knew

that became a woman, this woman was

trans when I met her.

Lived in San Francisco,

Daphne Dwarman is the name.

I would do 18 shows in the Bay Area

sometimes in Oakland

and Dirty Hood night club

and she would be there,

white trans woman, laughing

loud and hard, at everything I said.

Especially the trans jokes,

very puzzling...

because she was obviously trans.

And one night

after one of the shows I met her.

And what it was, turns out

it was her dream to be a comedian.

And I was her hero.

It was very moving.

I could not dislike somebody

that felt that way about me.

We became fast friends.

And when I made that

special Sticks and Stones

right as it was coming out,

I happened to be in San Francisco

and I wanted to do a show.

But I needed an opening act,

and I remembered...

that trans woman I had met,

so I called her on the phone.

And I called her myself,

I said, "Hey Daphne,

this is Dave Chappelle."

She couldn't believe it.

And I go, "I'm in San Francisco."

And then she started saying

a bunch of wild stuff, I was like

"Relax now,

I don't want any p*ssy, I was...

I'm just calling, because I'm doing

a show and I need an opening act.

And I was wondering

if you'd open the show?"

And she was like, "f*ck, yeah."

Now... I didn't know this at the time

but this woman had only done

stand up comedy eight times in her life.

This was little to no experience

and now she's about to open a show

for what many call the GOAT.

She's an amateur in stature, but

in practice,

she was very professional.

She showed up early,

which is something I appreciate

'cause I like people to be on time.

She was dressed

to the motherfuckin' nines, I mean,

I'm transphobic and even I was like,

"You look nice."

Went up on the stage with all the swag

of a professional comedian,

grabbed that mic

and walked right down the middle

and looked at the crowd like a gangster.

Man, you should have seen her work.

This bitch bombed

for 45 minutes, straight.

And I'm not exaggerating, young man.

That show was terrible.

Stunk.

Stunk.

And then she brings me on,

and you know,

I was like a glass of water

after a handful of salt.

The crowd was happy to see me.

I was k*lling it.

But here is what impressed me.

Any other comedian I've ever seen,

if they had bombed as bad as she did,

would have snuck out of the back

of the theatre and went home and cried

or something, but she didn't do that.

Not only did she not leave,

she found a seat, right up in front.

You know, when a new comedian

watches an experienced comedian

in comedy we call this "taking class."

And this bitch took my whole class,

she sat up there

and was laughing as hard

as she always laughs

as if nothing bad

had even happened to her.

And I saw her show.

Something bad happened to her.

She was drunk.

So she starts talking to me,

while I'm onstage

but the way a person would talk

to a television when they were alone.

She was talking to me like that.

That didn't bother me

'cause I knew her.

But the crowd didn't like that sh*t

at all 'cause she sucked.

And a guy in the back of the room

stood up

and Daphne's hair

was dyed blonde at the time

and the guy screamed out,

and his energy felt wild as f*ck.

He said, "Hey Daphne!"

and everybody got clamped,

they got tense.

We didn't know who was a heckler

or active sh**t, and...

he said,

"Does the carpet match the drapes?"

It was f*cked up.

The whole crowd kind of groaned,

'cause it was so like, mean.

Everybody groaned, except for Daphne.

She kind of laughed, which was weird.

And she didn't even look all the way

back.

She said, "Sir, I don't have carpets

I have hardwood floors."

Just like that.

Just like that.

Boy, when she said that sh*t,

it blew the roof of the place.

Cut through all the tension,

with that one joke.

She had made up for 45 minutes

of a stinker of a show.

And after that, she could do no

wrong.

And I kept on rocking,

and she kept on talking to me.

And then the show

became something cooler than a show.

It became like a conversation

between a Black man

and a White trans woman

and we started

getting to the bottom of sh*t.

All of them questions that you think about

that you'd be afraid to ask,

I was just asking them

and she was answering them

and her answers were funny as sh*t.

The crowd was falling out of their

chairs

and at the end of the show,

I go, "Well, Daphne"... I said

"Well, that was fun."

I go, "I love you to death,

but I have no f*ckin' idea

what you're talking about."

The whole crow laughed

except for Daphne.

Man, she looks at me

like I'm not her friend anymore.

Like I'm something bigger than me,

like I'm the whole world in a guy.

Then she said, "I don't need you

to understand me."

I said, "What?"

She said, "I just need

you to believe..."

Just like that she goes,

"that I'm having a human experience."

And when she said it

the whole crowd kind of gasped.

And I gave the Fight Club look.

I said, "I believe you, bitch."

Because she didn't say anything

about pronouns.

She didn't say anything

about me being in trouble.

She said, "Just believe I'm a person

and I'm going through it."

I know I believe you,

because it takes one to know one.

Then I told the crowd "Good night."

And they started going crazy

and before the applause

gets to it's crescendo

I was saying, "Don't forget

my opening act, Daphne."

And the crowd stood up.

And I looked at her,

tears came out of her eyes

she couldn't believe it was

happening.

I couldn't believe it was happening

'cause her show stunk.

And it was a great night.

And I remember, the late great Paul

Mooney was there

bunch of flyers, comedy n*gg*s was

there.

And we all went backstage

and was just drinking

and talking sh*t and laughing

and Daphne stole the room,

she had everyone cracking up.

Spinning the yarn, telling us all these

crazy stories about sh*t, she'd be into.

We all laughing real hard,

and there she is telling us

and everyone is laughing.

I'm looking around, I'm like,

"My God, she is funny."

I pulled her aside, I said,

"You're hilarious.

I didn't know that

when you were onstage."

I said, "You're doing some things wrong

but I can help you."

I said, "Anytime I'm in San Francisco

why don't you open the show for me

and I'll just try

to give you some pointers

and see if you can work

this thing out."

She said, "Are you serious?"

I was like, "Yeah."

And she grabbed me real tight,

hugged me, squeezed me.

And I pushed her off violently,

'cause I'm transphobic.

I said "Boundaries, bitch!"

When Sticks and Stones came out...

a lot of people in the trans community

were furious with me and

apparently they dragged me on

Twitter.

I don't give a f*ck,

'cause Twitter is not a real place.

And the hardest thing for a person

to do

is go against their tribe

if they disagree with their tribe,

but Daphne did that for me.

She wrote a tweet that was very beautiful

and what she said was

and it is almost exactly what she

said.

She said, "Punching down on someone,

requires you to think less of them

and I know him, and he doesn't.

He doesn't punch up,

he doesn't punch down

he punches lines, and he is a master

at his craft." That's what she said.

Beautiful tweet, beautiful friend,

it took a lot of heart

to defend me like that,

and when she did that

the trans community

dragged that bitch all over Twitter.

For days, they was going in on her,

and she was holding her own

'cause she's funny.

But six days after that wonderful night

I described to you

my friend Daphne k*lled herself.

Yeah, this is a true story,

my heart was broken.

Yeah, it wasn't the jokes.

I don't know if was them dragging

or I don't know

what was going on in her life

but I bet dragging her didn't help.

I was very angry at them,

I was very angry at her.

I felt like Daphne lied to me.

She always said,

she identified as a woman.

And then one day she goes up

to the roof of her building

and jumps off and kills herself.

Clearly...

only a man

would do some gangster sh*t like that.

Hear me out.

As hard as it is to hear a joke like

that

I'm telling you right now,

Daphne would have loved that joke.

That is why she was my friend.

I was reading her obituary

and I found out,

she was survived by a daughter.

And the moment I found that out,

and this is true

Anderson Cooper from CNN texted me.

And all he says, it's very nice,

he said,

"I'm sorry to hear

about your friend."

And I texted him right back.

"New phone, who this?"

He said, "It's Anderson Cooper."

I said, "Anderson, look

I need to find her family."

And he texted me right back

with all the phone numbers

and all this information.

I say this to say, if you ever want to

know about anything gay

call Anderson Cooper from CNN.

This n*gga is faster than Google.

What I did is,

I got in touch with her family

and I started a trust fund

for her daughter

'cause I know that is all

she ever really cared about.

And I don't know

what the trans community did for her

but I don't care,

because I feel like

she wasn't their tribe,

she was mine.

She was a comedian in her soul.

The daughter is very young,

but I hope to be alive

when she turns 21

'cause I'm going

to give her this money myself.

And by then,

by then, I'll be ready to have the

conversation

that I'm not ready to have today.

But I'll tell that little girl,

"Young lady,

I knew your father...

and he was a wonderful woman."

Empathy is not gay.

Empathy is not Black.

Empathy is bi-sexual.

It must go both ways.

It must go both ways.

Remember, taking a man's livelihood

is akin to k*lling him.

I'm begging you, please do not abort

DaBaby.

Kevin Hart dreamt his entire life of

hosting the Oscars

and when he finally got the job they just

took it!

It's not fair.

They didn't k*ll him,

Kevin is a strong guy.

But I'm sure

it broke old Clifford's heart.

It's over.

It is over.

I'm not telling another joke

about you

until we are both sure,

that we are laughing together.

I'm telling you this is done.

I'm done talking about it.

All I ask from your community,

with all humility

will you please stop

punching down on my people?

Thank you very much and good night.