well i started when
i was fourteen,
That's when i figured
it all out.
wow, ten more years
ahead of me.
Yeah, but i have a short
attention span,
I've been thinking
about quitting.
I want to do
something else.
You know what my first job
in the workforce was?
I had to put on a
f*cking cookie costume,
And hand out fliers
on capital hill
For a restaurant,
called "the cookie bag."
The cookie bag?
In the middle
of august.
And what kind of cookie
were you dressed as?
Was it a chocolate
chip cookie?
It was a poor, hot,
angry-Assed
Chocolate chip cookie.
Captions made possible by
home box office
A division of time warner
entertainment company, I.P.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Coming to you
from san francisco,
Please welcome
dave chappelle!
Thank you,
thank you all.
Thank you.
What's up
san francisco?
I like your city.
It's a beautiful,
tolerant place.
I didn't see much,
My friend called me
and was like
"Dave, having fun
in frisco?
"Hell yeah!
"Seen the sites?
"No.
"You wanna go see
alcatraz?"
What kind of n*gg*r
in his right mind
Wants to visit a prison
for recreation?!
I got friends in jail,
i don't visit.
I don't deal
with jails.
Don't deal with jails
and i don't deal with police.
My house got robbed
in new york,
I didn't even call
the police.
I wanted to,
but i couldn't.
My crib is too nice.
Not that it's
too nice, but,
It's too nice
for me.
You know how the police
are in new york.
Soon as i open the door
they'll be like
"He's still here!
"Open and shut case,
johnson.
"Apparently,
this black guy broke in
"And hung up pictures
of his family everywhere.
"Never seen
anything like it!"
I don't deal
with them man,
I had to bail a friend of
mine out of jail one time,
That was horrible.
I was scared.
I had to walk right into
the belly of the beast.
I tried to look as
non-Threatening as possible.
"Hi...
"I'm here to
bail out my buddy.
"Oh, okay, well,
"While you're here,
you do fit a description.
"If you walk this way
we can process you."
It's how they
always get us,
It's fittin' those
damn descriptions.
I could be bitter and
blame all the police, but no.
I'll tell you
who i blame...
It's those
f*cking sketch artists.
They keep drawin'
the same brother over
And over again.
Who is this generic man
we all look like?
I want to know what they say
when it's us.
They'll be in their
room like...
"Did you get a look?
"Do you see the guy
that tried to rob you?
"Yes, yes i did.
"He was about
six-Feet-Tall i'd say.
"Six-Feet-Tall?
"Yes.
"He had his hat on
backwards too.
"Good, that's
good stuff...
"Hat was on backwards.
"Yes.
"He was black.
"Okay, big lips,
big nose, d*ck hanging out?
"Say no more sir.
"I'll draw him
from memory.
"Let me get my stencil,
"I think we can trace this
guy and save some time.
"Let me get on the radio
and sh*t...
"Calling all cars,
calling all cars...
"Be on the look-Out
for a black male
"Between 4'7"
and 6'8",
"Between 120
and 380 pounds,
"He's wearing nikes,
get this man!"
Criminals are insane.
I don't even know
why people do crime.
They want to catch you,
they're gonna catch you.
They can.
They got forensics,
you ever seen forensics?
Those guys find clues
nobody else thinks about
Looking for,
i mean it.
You leave a pubic hair
anywhere near a crime scene,
They're gonna
find that sh*t.
"What the hell is this?
Back up!
"We got a match."
They look at the pube and
tell all kinds of information.
"Looks like there
was a struggle,
"Time of death, 3:07."
It's amazing!
I saw them get a dude
one time on court tv,
It was embarrassing.
It was,
it was a sexual as*ault case.
I knew the defendant
was lying,
I could feel it.
He defended himself
too hard.
His answers had nothing
to do with the questions,
Completely
irrelevant.
They asked him
easy questions.
"Were you anywhere near
the crime scene
"On the night of
the incident?
"m*therf*cker i told you
i work at burger king!"
That went on
for hours.
Then the prosecutor
got fed up,
Said, "i've had
enough of this."
Called the forensics
to the stand.
Forensics was like
"your honor,
"We are prepared
to testify
"That we found
the defendant's semen,
"Under the stove."
I said, "godamn!
"That's worse
than fingerprints!
"They find your semen,
you've been there
"At least a minute!"
But that's what
i want to know,
Under the stove?
You find semen
like that?
Or do you
look for it?
Like do they walk
on to a crime scene like
"This place is a mess!
"Check it
for semen".
Or do they just
walk in and slip...
"Oh my god,
what the hell was that?!
"Semen!"
They find it
on every crime scene.
What are
burglars doing?
"We got the stuff,
let's get out of here.
"Wait a minute!
"I want to leave
my calling card.
"The semen bandit
has struck again!"
I don't understand
nothing anymore.
I don't.
I watched tv
the other day,
Now tell me,
maybe it's just me.
Maybe i'm crazy,
is it me?
Is it me or do commercials
have nothing to do
With the products
anymore?
I don't even know what
a f*ckin' commercial is about
Until the end.
Every one
is a surprise nowadays.
Have you seen that
commercial
Where the lady got
the black eye?
This lady come on tv
with a black eye,
She's crying,
she's like,
"I smoke cr*ck,
"And my husband
beats me!"
And then a voice
came on and said,
"Got milk?"
I said
"what the...?!"
That has nothing
to do with milk!
I'm not saying
i'm a commercial expert
But i'd make a better
milk commercial than that.
Make it nice
and simple,
I just do a close-Up
of a titty
And put milk
right underneath.
And if that doesn't sell milk,
nothing will,
I'll tell you that sh*t
right now.
This is 1997,
titties are industry, 1997.
They are,
i know they are,
I'm a customer.
I went to a titty bar
last week
At three o'clock
in the afternoon.
Now that's bad,
that is bad.
Because it wasn't
like i was out,
"Let me swing by
the titty bar."
No, no, i left my house
specifically
To see some tits.
Can't judge me,
there's breasts in there.
It's just
what men do.
If a guy runs up to you
on the street, "hey, hey,
"Don't go in
that building,
"There are naked girls
showing their breasts."
It'd be like a white dude
in a horror movie.
"I better investigate.
"I'm gonna want
to see for myself."
Titty bar
is a weird place.
I'm not saying
it's a good place to hang out,
I go there
every once and then.
But it's a weird place,
they got weird morality.
One time i walked
into a titty bar,
All these guys are
coming in, right?
Out of all the dudes
the bouncer picked me
Out of the crowd and
started yelling at me.
"Hey, hey,
hey buddy!
"Sir, sir, you wanna
take your hat off, huh?
"It's disrespectful
to the ladies.
"I can shove
a $20 up her ass
"But i better not have
a hat on when i do it?!
"Sorry about
that buddy.
"Here you go bubbles,
ppffttt!
Forgive me for
the hat thing."
You know why those bars
are so popular now,
Is because men don't
know how to deal with women
In reality.
So sometimes we gotta
take the fantasy road.
The reality of the situation
is very grim.
Women have made a lot
of progress
In a short
period of time,
Man, it changed
everything.
Can't deal in
relationships anymore.
I broke up
with my girl,
I'm out of shawshank,
i'm free.
I don't wanna go back.
I couldn't even
argue with her.
You should be
able to argue.
If you have an issue
in a relationship,
You should be able to
argue that issue out, right?
You see ladies,
You gotta stick to
the f*cking issue.
You guys take
arguments everywhere
Just to win 'em.
That's why nothing
ever gets done.
You'll be arguing
about the dishes,
"Baby, baby,
could you wash your dish
"At least before
you put it in the sink...
"... Premature
ejaculator!
"Dammit!
"Why you gotta
bring that up?"
I don't even believe
in that, i don't!
If i cum man,
it was right on time,
That's the way
i see it!
As far as i'm concerned,
i can't cum fast enough!
I'm sick of being
vilified all the time.
"David,
how could you?
"How could you cum?
"I was f*cking!
"What were you
trying to do, huh?
"Cum?
"Well,
i b*at you!
"You gotta work on
your time baby,
"I'm down to
a minute, twenty!"
Don't get
mad at me
Because i have
different goals in sex!
I'm a speed fucker.
Just trying to
hit my best time,
Like the olympics.
And now for
the dismount...
It wasn't all bad.
It's never all bad,
he won't stay if it's all bad.
No, that's not true,
but i wouldn't.
We had fun,
we used to watch p*rn together,
That's how cool
she was.
It seems nasty,
but it's fun.
We learned
about each other.
She learned
about me.
One time we was
watching p*rn,
I'll never forget
this time,
The first scene in
this movie was hard-Core.
Two guys, one girl,
going at it.
I fast forwarded
right through that.
It was too much
for my senses.
The scene after that
was these two girls
And this guy,
You know i stopped
for a minute.
I had to see what this
was all about.
And she noticed.
She said
"what is that?
"Why does that
disgust you?
"Two men and one woman,
"The men aren't touching
each other but the women are.
"The two women
touch each other,
"The two men don't
touch each other,
"Why is that
nasty to men?"
And i'll tell you why...
Now ladies,
you can call me crazy
But i think every
straight man has a rule.
That would be "the one penis
per fantasy rule"!
My d*ck is the star
of my fantasy.
Nobody else's d*ck
is guest starring in my sh*t!
This is a
dave chappelle joint.
You gotta look at
the whole picture man.
You got two girls
and a guy in a room together,
Boy, that's
something else.
That's holding and hugging,
friendship and helping.
Teamwork at it's very,
very best my friends.
You get two guys
and a girl in the room,
It's the wrong kind
of teamwork.
Down right brutal
if you ask me.
"I'll pull her hair!
"I'll smack
her ass!"
Poor woman looked like
a chicken on a rotisserie!
"Help me!"
My life,
There's too much sh*t out
there to stress you out.
Whole world is just
drug infested...
Hate infested,
drug infested world.
I hate dr*gs.
You know what
my friend told me?
You know what
he's dealing with?
His landlord is
hooked on cr*ck,
That's terrible,
that's pressure.
If your landlord
is hooked on cr*ck
That means you gotta
have the rent!
He comes around...
"You got the rent?!
"It's not even due yet,
it's the 10th.
"Come on,
i need it!
"Let me get $20 of it now
and then...
"Just give me the rest
at the end of the month."
Every couple of hours,
"Hey look, i'm gonna need
some more of the rent!
"The building is falling
apart, things came up... "
He comes home early
from a party,
Landlord is in his crib
going through his sh*t.
"What are you doing
in my house?!
"Ahh!
"Where's the sink,
i came to fix it!
"It's in the kitchen!
"I thought it was
in the drawer.
"I'll fix it tomorrow
when i come for the rent!"
You know what
i hate about dr*gs?
I hate when people
my age and older
Get hooked on cr*ck,
i hate that sh*t.
You're too old to be
experimenting with dr*gs
At a certain point,
you should be past that.
If you ain't doing it
by a certain point
You just miss it.
dr*gs are really
for old people anyway.
You're 75,
you've earned the right!
sh*t if i was 75,
i'd do coke, heroin,
Everything,
i wouldn't give a f*ck.
I'll be walking
down the street,
They'd be like "boy,
that old man is trippin'!"
Can't do everything.
Maybe weed,
If you're gonna do something
do a little weed.
Weed's not as bad
as everything else.
Weed is a
background substance.
You can smoke some herb
and still function.
You ain't crisp...
... but you'll
function.
Nothing higher
than weed, though.
I made that
mistake one time.
I was at a party,
some guy gave me some sh*t.
He's like
"here man, take this,
It's f*cking mushrooms."
I took it, i forgot
all about it.
Then a couple days later
i found that sh*t in my pocket.
I'm thinking
"why not?"
I'm thinking it's like weed,
some background sh*t.
I planned my whole day out
like it was weed.
I'll chew this sh*t up,
then i'll go to the barbershop,
Get my hair cut, and then
i'll see a movie.
I chewed it up,
so far, so good.
Then i was in the barbershop
like an hour later,
And it's funny,
i was just thinking to myself,
"Ooh, this stuff
sucks.
"Tastes like
athletes foot,
"I feel sick but
i'm not really high."
Then i looked
in the mirror.
I saw the barber's
reflection, man,
It looked like a big penis
was cutting my hair.
I freaked out!
I started talking to myself
"dave, calm down,
"You're on dr*gs,
this is what dr*gs do.
"You know that there
is no way...
"That a penis
can cut hair."
I started
freaking out man,
I just couldn't
take it anymore.
I jumped out the chair,
half my hair was cut,
I didn't care.
I didn't, i just gave
the barber a handful of money.
It was weird, the balls
opened up, anyway i...
I ran home man, i ran home
as fast as i could.
I was trippin',
trippin'!
I looked at the clock,
it was 2:42.
I was like "damn, 2:42,
i gotta sober up."
I had never been
this high this early.
I took a shower,
i was still high.
I said "maybe music
will do the trick."
I listened to
every cd i had,
I was still high.
"Exercise,
that's what i'll do."
I ran around the block
four times,
Still high.
I took a nap,
woke up f*cked up.
I looked at the clock,
it was 2:43,
I said "godamn!"
You know this song...
My grandmother used to
sing that when she's
Cleaning up.
That's a n*gro
spiritual.
Black work-Song.
Not everybody
know about that.
White people, you guys might
whistle when you work.
But that's how
you can tell
What kind of work
we're actually doing.
I study
that kind of sh*t.
I do, anything
that has to do with race.
I read a little here,
see a little there.
And i travel,
that's always good.
Traveling has made me
a racism connoisseur,
If you will.
You know it's different
from region to region.
Anyone ever been
down south?
So you guys know
what i'm talking about.
The racism down there
is just f*cking...
Ahh!
It's perfect,
stewed to a perfection.
It's comfortable,
it's out in the open.
There are no secrets
in mississippi,
Everybody knows
the deal.
- "Morning n*gg*r!"
- "Morning sir!"
Not up here.
You hit the big cities,
man, it's different.
It's always
a secret.
We should be like them,
We should keep our sh*t
out in the open,
Vent a little,
i mean with limits.
You don't want to say
whatever comes to your mind,
That might be
a little much.
White dude be walking
down the street,
Minding his business,
brother walks up to him,
"Hello,
"You white oppressor,
"You sl*ve master
r*pist of africa!"
"Why hello my big lipped,
spear-Chucking friend.
"Touchã©, h*nky!
"So whitey, what did
you do today, huh?
"Oppress a new land and
make the people there
"Christians against
their will?
"What did you do fella?
"Burn those big black lips
on a cr*ck pipe
"'Cause you missed
your job interview?!
"Easy whitey,
you're cuttin' deep.
"All this chit-Chat
has got me thirsty.
"If you will excuse me
for a moment,
"I'm gonna go to
the korean store
"And get something
to drink."
Ching-A-Ling!
"Hello...
"You slanty-Eyed,
rollin' our neighborhood
"By opening stores and
taking money
"Out of the
community-Chink!
"Good afternoon,
"You browse-Around
but never buy anything
"Suspicious looking
n*gg*r!"
After a while that
might be too much.
You can't help it.
If you're an american,
you're a r*cist.
You brought up from
the beginning
To think in
generalizations.
We never look
at the individual.
We rarely look
at the individual.
I'm a r*cist,
i know i'm a r*cist.
You know
how i know?
The other day
i caught myself
Being r*cist
against myself.
There's so much sh*t going on
i got mixed up.
Forgot who's team
i was on and sh*t.
One time i was
reading the paper
And a story came on about a guy
suing a department store
Because they won't let him
play santa claus
Because he was black.
I was actually relieved
When the department store
b*at him.
That's bad, but
i wasn't ready for that.
I wasn't ready for the idea
of a black santa claus,
Man, that sh*t
would suck.
We wouldn't get our presents
'til the 28th, 29th...
"Sorry i'm late kids,
"Santa got caught up with
some p*ssy in vegas.
"I had to sell some toys
to get back.
"Where them
cookies at?!"
Y'all a great crowd man,
you are.
Glad y'all
came out man.
I...
I'm nervous,
i am.
Not about this special.
I hope this sh*t
don't make me famous.
I don't wanna
be famous-Famous,
I want people to like me
for who i am.
A famous dude will never
know why people like him.
That's why if
i ever make it,
I'm gonna have
to test people.
Like if i meet girls,
I'll wear disguises
when they first meet me.
So they don't
know who i am.
And then on
the first date
I'll call them and
say i'll pick you up
Right from work.
Then i'll pick her up
in a f*cking garbage truck.
Just to see
how she reacts.
She's like
"wait a minute,
"Oh, oh, do i look like
garbage to you?
"I don't see no godamn trash
need to be picked up here!
"Get that godamn truck
off my block!
"Who do you
think you are?!"
That's when i take
my mask off...
"Huh, david chappelle?!"
"That's right
bitch!"
Thank you,
thank you very much.
I had the worst heckler,
Do you know what
the worst heckler was?
A seizure!
What the f*ck
can you say
If somebody has a
seizure during the show?
At washington
square park.
Were you strobing?
I didn't know
what to do,
I thought she was
messin' with me,
Because she walked down
in a circle,
And then she
started to like...
... it looked like she
was dancin' or something,
And then she fell,
and when she came to,
She was havin'
a seizure!
It was almost like she used
her seizure as a heckle.
That's what it felt like
and then someone screamed,
"Get a spoon!"
And eight people had
f*ckin' spoons
In the middle of
the park,
And i'm like "who walks
around with a spoon?"
Well, the heroin,
cookin' that stuff up.
Oh, that's a spoon
you want in your mouth.
I'd rather swallow
my tongue
Than have a heroin
spoon in my mouth.
Dave Chappelle - HBO Comedy Half Hour (1998)
Moderator: Maskath3