(Static)
(Upbeat music)
♪
-(Speaking spanish)
-Dogg popping'.
What's going on, sir?
-Male #1: what it is,
Pimping?
Ain't nothing to it,
But to do it, man.
Sitting back here, blowing
In the wind, at it again.
Once again,
Time and time again.
-Yes, sir.
-But I wanted to talk
To you, man,
Before you do your
Thing-thing this here evening.
Man, I understand you're doing
Something real big tonight,
So before you do
What you do,
I want to give you
Some instructions.
Have at.
-Alright. Alright.
-Now, the instructions is this,
I want you to pay
Close attention.
-Yes, sir.
(Offscreen)
-Male #1: before you step
On stage tonight,
You got to go up there
With the spirit,
With the spirit of the
Late great red fox.
The spirit
Of richard pryor.
The spirit of--
Of telling it like it is
And not like it was,
You dig?
And only you can do
What you do.
That's why you're doing
What you're doing
And you're doing it
So flamboyant and so fly.
And I'm watching from afar,
But then again,
I felt like I'm so near and I'm
So close at the same time.
And as I start to watch you
And develop a keen sense
Of loving what you do and how
You do what you doin', katt.
Stay hard
In the yard.
Don't play,
Put some paint where it ain't.
Don't be nervous,
Be at they service.
Give 'em what they want,
Give 'em what they need, man.
I want you to fly
To the moon, young man.
I'ma go up to the stars
And I want you to meet me there.
-Yeah.
-So I'll holler at you.
(Upbeat music)
♪
(Offscreen)
-Male #2: who we got
In the house?
We got a few people
In the house tonight.
We got lil john
In the house.
-n*gg*s'll be late for they own
Funeral if they wasn't dead.
(Offscreen)
-Male #2: we got sleepy brown
In the house.
We got cam'ron and the dipset
In the house.
-Y'all take it easy,
Celebrities is people too.
-Hey, hey, hey,
It's love, mother fucker, love!
(Offscreen)
-Female #1: we trying to tape
A special, people.
It's television.
(Offscreen)
-Male #2: we got distraught
Mother fucker over here,
Big will
In the house.
-It's just a regular day
In atlanta.
Birds are chirping,
cr*ck heads smoking,
Dogs barking.
Nothing's really
Happening.
For now.
-Da brat is in
The house?
Oh sh*t, coming from
The 6-0-6-0-4.
-Do not have you cat
Spayed or neutered.
-Male #2: we got andre 3000
In the house.
(Offscreen)
n*gga, shut up,
I know who here!
When I introduce this man
Coming to the stage,
'Cause he's the reason that
We're all here tonight,
I want y'all to stand
On your mother f*cking feet
Because if you sit down,
You're still gonna be
Taller than this
Little mother fucker.
You see him every day
On wild and out.
(Applause)
Stand on your mother f*cking
Feet and give it up
For katt williams!
♪
-Good evening, ladies
And gentlemen, how are you?
What a mother f*cking pleasure
To be here in atlanta.
God damn, atlanta,
Look at you mother f*ckers,
God dammit!
I don't know
What the--
I dig it, don't know
Whether to cry
Or just get f*cked up,
So I'm gonna do
A combination of both
A little bit later.
What a beautiful
Mother f*cking place.
I want to thank all
The hairstylists in atlanta.
There's nine million of you
Mother f*ckers, thank you.
One more of you b*tches
Ask to do my god damn hair,
f*ck no, y'all,
f*ck that.
Saying stupid sh*t to a n*gga
Talking about,
"No n*gga, your hair
Retain heat."
Bitch, what the f*ck,
I done had this hair all day.
Bitch, it ain't
Burn me yet.
What the f*ck is you
Talking about? I don't--
Ain't nothing like atlanta,
I don't give a f*ck
What a n*gga say,
Nothing like atlanta.
It's so many--
God damn!
There's so many fine
b*tches in atlanta,
Make a n*gga have
A nervous breakdown.
Shubadanaya,
Shoulda bought a honda.
Please don't get angry, lady,
I'm only calling you b*tches
'Cause I don't know
Your names individually.
Holler if you
Hear me now.
Let's not get sensitive
This evening. Let's not--
Life is too
Mother f*cking short,
I am happier than
A mother fucker to be here.
Ain't nothing like atlanta,
You don't know
What the f*ck
You gonna get.
This is the most nastiest,
Dirtiest, ugliest,
Most beautiful, wonderful place
In all of america.
You could get--all your dreams
Could come true
At magic city or you could get
k*lled at a stop light.
n*gga, you never
f*cking know.
It can happen
Right here, n*gga.
You don't know what
To tell jesus.
You just, "jesus,
I don't know, damn!
The n*gga looked at me,
I looked back,
That was it, jesus,
I'm here now."
Life is f*cking short,
Stop being ungrateful
About your
Mother f*cking life.
You gotta learn
To be grateful.
If god done bless you
In a chrysler 300,
Be happy you got
A chrysler 300.
Stop walking around
Talking sh*t, talking about,
"n*gga, I got it 'cause it
Looked just like a phantom."
No, n*gga, it looked like
A chrysler 300.
The f*ck--
(Applause)
The f*cked up part is it
Do look like a phantom
Until a phantom
Pull up.
Then you just get
In that mother fucker--
"This is bullshit, I don't
Even want to be on this street.
n*gga, I don't
Even want--"
All I'm saying is you got
To be grateful
About your
Mother f*cking life.
Ladies, you need to understand
That as long as
You got a vag*na, you run the
Entire mother f*cking universe.
That's the way it is,
You need to understand that.
The only n*gg*s that don't
Agree is h*m*
And we wasn't talking
To y'all.
This ain't your part
Of the show right now.
Ladies, I'm telling you,
You got to be the sh*t to you.
Stop waiting on
A n*gga to verify
Whether you
The sh*t of not.
Bitch, if you the sh*t,
You the mother f*cking sh*t.
We tired of y'all
Getting with us
And blaming us for sh*t
We ain't even in control of.
You done got with a n*gga,
Now you talking about,
"You f*cked up
My self esteem."
"Bitch, it's called
Self esteem!
It's esteem of your
Mother f*cking self, bitch!
How the f*ck could
I f*ck up how you feel
About you,
Simple bitch?"
I'm just saying, ladies,
Stop tripping on sh*t
That don't even
Mother f*cking matter.
Never in the history
Of niggadom has a n*gga--
(Laughter)
Never in the history
Of niggadom has a n*gga
Been getting ready
To have sex with a woman
And changed his mind because
Her fingernails and toenails
Didn't match,
Not never.
Not never, never has a n*gga
Been putting a condom on
And went, "bitch, is that
Plum and red?
I can't even do it, bitch,
I'm outta here.
I can't even
Do that."
Just saying, ladies,
Stop worrying about
sh*t that don't matter.
Some of y'all done have
Some babies,
Now you got
Some stretch marks.
You walking around the house
Bitter, blaming the baby.
Showing the baby
Your high school picture,
Talking about, "look
What you did to me!"
f*ck that, if your man got a
Problem with your stretch marks,
I suggest you stop f*cking
With bitch n*gg*s.
That's what I say.
That's what I say.
I think I speak for all
Real n*gg*s in attendance today
When I say we ain't
Got time to worry about
No sh*t
Like stretch marks.
We know they either came from
One of two things, n*gga,
Either you was big
And got small...
Or you was small
And got big.
Either way,
We f*cking.
Either way.
(Applause)
sh*t.
Ladies,
On the other hand,
If you 25 years old
And you still walking around
Talking about
n*gg*s ain't sh*t,
You need to get a handle
On your mother f*cking life
And take some
Responsibility, bitch.
What you mean to say
Is all the n*gg*s
You f*cked with
Ain't sh*t.
You need to figure out
What it is about your p*ssy
That keep attracting
Ain't sh*t n*gg*s.
It's your own
Personal business.
I'm just saying
Life is short.
To my n*gg*s,
I know you got to be hard.
A black man in america, you got
To be a hard mother fucker.
But we all know n*gg*s is hard
All the mother f*cking time.
You can't forget to enjoy
Your god damn life.
We all know n*gg*s is hard
As seven o'clock
In the mother f*cking
Morning.
You like, "n*gga,
Wait a minute, n*gga.
You angry
At breakfast, n*gga?
You g*ng banging
On bacon, n*gga? This is--"
I know b*tches here that made it
Real cool to be sh*t.
Let me just say,
I've been sh*t before.
Ain't sh*t
Cool about it.
When I got sh*t,
Ain't no b*tches come out.
Ain't no music played,
Nothing.
The f*cked up part
When I got sh*t,
I wasn't even
In the altercation.
I'm outside the club watching
Some other n*gg*s.
"Look at these
Crazy n*gg*s.
Oh sh*t,
That n*gga got a g*n.
n*gga, this better
Be good--" bam!
"Wait a minute, jesus!
Pimp down!
Pimp down in two, bitch,
Get the truck!
This is bullshit,
I done got blood in my perm.
n*gga, I'm gonna black out.
I'm gonna black--"
All I'm saying, you got to enjoy
Your mother f*cking life.
That's all the f*ck
I'm saying.
Enjoy your
God damn life.
Life is f*cking short,
Enjoy that sh*t.
Some of y'all just need
To smoke some weed
And see if it don't help
The quality of your
Mother f*cking life.
I know,
I see some of y'all.
Look, I understand,
If you ain't smoking weed
'Cause you got a good job
Then by all means
Make your
Paper, boo-boo.
But if you ain't got no job
And you not smoking weed,
I don't know what the f*ck
You are doing with your life.
I really don't.
I really don't.
Don't give me that sh*t
About it's a drug.
It ain't no
Mother f*cking drug.
I done done the research,
It's just a plant.
It just grow like that.
And if you should so happen
To set it on fire...
There are some effects.
But that's not
The same as dr*gs.
dr*gs, you got to do
sh*t to it chemically.
You got to add baking soda,
Water, stir it up.
I don't know the recipe,
I'm just saying.
It's some sh*t
You got to do to it.
But why the f*ck it's illegal,
I don't know.
Aspirin is perfectly legal,
But if you take
13 Of them mother f*ckers,
It'll be your last headache.
Long as you been living,
You ain't never heard
Of a mother fucker
Overdose on marijuana.
You might've thought
That n*gga was dead.
He ain't dead.
He gonna wake up
In 30 minutes hungry enough
To eat up everything
In your house.
That's the side effects;
Hungry, happy, sleepy.
That's it.
Only testify.
I'm just saying,
I'm just saying if you--
If your life is f*cked up,
You need weed.
Weed is put on this earth
For n*gg*s on the struggle.
n*gg*s on the grind.
There is a chemical in weed
That's called f*ck it.
And if you can just get
That in your system,
It could change
Your life.
Some of y'all be crying
About bills you can't pay.
Just, "I don't know what
I'ma do about this light bill.
They don't want--they want
The whole thing.
They don't want
A piece of it, a deposit."
Just hit the blunt one time
And see if it don't
Change your perception of what's
Important in your life.
You just, "I don't know
What I'ma do about this light--
f*ck them
God damn lights.
I got 12 candles, I've been
Waiting to burn them b*tches."
Have to be careful, though.
Have to be careful
'Cause weed is getting
Stronger every two weeks.
And these n*gg*s
Ain't sending out memos
Or bulletins
Or nothing.
The sh*t just strong
For no reason
And these n*gg*s that sell
The weed be happier
Than a mother fucker
To tell you how much stronger
This sh*t is than
The last sh*t.
Just as soon as they see you,
Just, "n*gga, n*gga, n*gga.
n*gga, you remember that sh*t
I gave you last week?
n*gga, it's nothing.
It's nothing, n*gga.
n*gga, it's nothing.
This sh*t right here, n*gga,
This sh*t right here, n*gga.
Right here, this sh*t n*gga.
This sh*t here, n*gga."
Always have some
f*cked up name.
"It's cryptochroniccunalike,
n*gga."
Always has some
f*cked up ass name.
"Listen, n*gga, this sh*t
Here, n*gga.
This sh*t here, n*gga, this
sh*t's called death, n*gga."
You be like, "n*gga, that don't
Even sound attractive.
What the--you mean,
I'm gonna hit it and die, n*gga?
Is that what--"
"No, n*gga, not death,
n*gga, deaf.
You hit this sh*t twice, n*gga,
You can't hear sh*t."
Like, "n*gga, I got sh*t
To do today. What the f*ck?"
Your kids be calling you
All day, "daddy!"
(Laughter)
f*cking around with them
Mother f*ckers.
I'm used to smoking some weed
And getting the munchies.
This n*gga sold me some sh*t
That had me looking at
The refrigerator
For three hours.
I'm just in the kitchen,
Sitting on the stove, just--
(Laughter)
"I bet you it ain't sh*t
In there, n*gga. I bet you--"
All I'm saying is you know
The weed is too strong
When you can't do sh*t
But hit it and look at it.
You just in
Your house just--
"Nu-uh, n*gga, nu-uh,
Something in there, n*gga.
Something in there.
Well, why is it sparkling then?
Why is it sparkling?"
Weed'll help your
Mother f*cking ass though.
Weed--you have to be careful
That you don't smoke weed
With dumb n*gg*s 'cause weed
Make you smart.
Ain't nothing worse
Than a smart, dumb n*gga.
Just a n*gga at your house
Smart than a dumb mother fucker
Just sitting there.
"Okay, that's
The couch, right?
Yeah, I could understand
Why they call it a couch.
But this mother fucker
Here, n*gga.
This sh*t
Right here, n*gga.
This is
A love seat, n*gga.
I can't even sit on this
If I ain't in love.
n*gga, what kind
Of sh*t is that?"
"n*gga, if you don't get out
My mother f*cking house--"
You have to be careful
With weed.
Weed make you notice sh*t
You ain't supposed to notice.
Like I don't even give
A f*ck about politics no more
'Cause I done
Figured it out.
All of the government
Is pimps, they all pimps.
'Cause pimps say sh*t to ya
And then don't explain it.
That's how
Our government do.
A pimp'll have a woman
In the car and be like,
"Get out there
And suck some d*ck.
We gonna take over
All the stone mountain."
She don't ask no question,
She just,
"I don't how
It's gonna work,
But I'ma do my
Mother f*cking part.
I'ma do what I'm
Supposed to do."
That's how the f*ck
Our government treat us.
Just tell us sh*t,
Don't make no sense.
What the f*ck are we
Still doing in iraq?
Can somebody tell me?
Ain't we k*lled
Everybody?
That's why I love america,
We some god damn bullies.
We don't give a sh*t.
We be on cnn like,
"Say our name, bitch, say it.
Say it three times.
Don't say it,
We're gonna come over there
And k*ll everybody."
You don't believe
We gangsters?
Tell me what the iraqi
Uniform look like.
Don't worry,
I'll wait.
'Cause you ain't never
Seen that mother fucker.
We ain't k*lling they army,
n*gga, we k*lling them.
We over there k*lling n*gg*s
In sweat pants, t*nk tops,
Flip flops,
And a cowboy hat.
You shouldn'tve
Been talking sh*t.
Our government pimps,
They get on the news,
They act like we ain't even
Over there k*lling real people.
They'll never get
On the news and say,
"Today we k*lled four men,
Three women, and two children."
They use a word n*gg*s
Can't readily identify.
"Today we k*lled
A group of insurgents."
n*gg*s be at the house like,
"I don't even know
No mother f*cking
Insurgents.
You can k*ll all them
Mother f*ckers.
I don't have not one
Insurgent friend."
Weed'll help you notice
sh*t like that,
But you got to be careful
With this super strong weed
'Cause you can't do
Everything you regularly do.
It's easy to get high,
It is not easy to get un-high
When your baby
Walk in the room.
Now you in the house
Cleaning up sh*t
That don't need
To be cleaned. You--
(Laughter)
Your baby be like, "I don't
Even want nothing no more.
Every time it smells like
Pine cones in here,
Daddy be tripping."
You got to be careful,
If you got kids,
You gonna have to cut down
On your weed consumption.
I don't give a f*ck
What you say.
It's cool to get high,
It is not cool to get high
And eat up all
Your baby's cereal.
That sh*t
Is not cool.
You wake up, your baby already
In the kitchen crying.
"Thank god
You woke up, daddy.
You remember you had put
The cocoa puffs on top
Of the frigenator and now
They not even up there."
Now you so embarrassed, you got
To play if off with the n*gga.
You--
"n*gga, they damn sure
Ain't up here.
Them mother f*cking insurgents
Done come in our house
And stole--"
(Laughter
And applause)
How the f*ck they give me
A cup bigger than me?
n*gga gonna climb
Out the cup.
Just saying, you got
To be careful, life is short.
Enjoy your mother f*cking life,
Do whatever you can
For your life
To be the sh*t.
I don't f*ck with n*gg*s
That don't keep it pushing.
You got to be f*cking with
n*gg*s that doing better
And better and better and better
And better and better.
Stop f*cking with n*gg*s
That's doing the same sh*t.
I don't even go to n*gg*s'
Birthday parties
If they doing the same sh*t
They was doing last year.
n*gga, no, been there,
Done that.
See ya, pimpin'.
All I'm saying is if you
Been selling weed since 1994
And you ain't bumped up
To cocaine by 2006, n*gga,
Maybe you need to be
A jehovah witness
Or a real estate
Consultant.
We trying to get it
Pushing around here.
Life is too
Mother f*cking short.
(Laughter)
Look at all
The drug dealers.
(Laughter)
Just saying, live your
Mother f*cking life.
You got to get your
Mother f*cking hustle.
Understand, n*gg*s is gonna
Hate you regardless.
Get that out of your head,
That fantasy world
Where n*gg*s
Ain't hatin' on you.
You got to be grateful,
You need haters.
What the f*ck is you
Complaining about?
What the f*ck do you
Think a hater's job is?
To f*cking hate,
So let them mother f*ckers
Do they god damn job.
What the f*ck is you
Complaining about?
Ladies, if you got 14 women
Hatin' on you,
You need to figure out
How the f*ck to get to 16
Before the summer
Get here.
What the f*ck
Is you mad about?
Fellas,
Is you got 20 haters,
You need 40 of them
Mother f*ckers.
What is you
Complaining about?
If there's any haters
In here right now
That don't have nobody
To hate on,
Feel free to
Hate on me.
Sit back there and say
My hair ain't luxurious
When you know
It is, bitch.
(Laughter
And applause)
Dipset, dipset.
I'm enjoying my
Mother f*cking life,
That's all I'm saying,
I advise you to do the same.
Do sh*t
That make you happy.
Go out and get you some
White friends.
Get you some white
Mother f*cking friends.
You ain't got
To sleep with 'em,
But you gonna need
Them mother f*ckers.
If you go to jail
And call your n*gga friends,
These mother f*ckers
Will interrogate you more
Than the god damn
Police did.
They'll have your ass
On the phone,
"Where the f*ck
Was you at?
What the f*ck
Was you doing?
Why the f*ck
You ain't call me?"
Not your white friends,
Them mother f*ckers'll be there
By the time you
Hang up the phone
And they'll be madder
Than you.
"Just what the f*ck
Did he do?
m*rder?
m*rder*d who?
Look, I've f*cking known him
For two weeks,
He wouldn't f*cking
Do something like that."
Gotta love white people,
I don't give a f*ck
What you say,
White people are friendly.
You can call them
Mother f*ckers up
At three o'clock
In the morning
With the wrong number and they
Won't even be mad at you.
They done--
"Hello?
No, I'm sorry,
No shaquita here.
Well, what number
Did you dial?
No, it's a nine,
Not a seven.
Well, try it,
If it doesn't work,
Call me back.
We'll figure this thing out."
(Laughter)
Gotta love
White people.
It's thanks to
White people we know
Anything about
Wild animals.
Do you realize that n*gg*s
Have never in the history
Of niggadom discovered
A wild animal, not one.
Not a wild pit bull, nothing,
'Cause we too cautious.
n*gg*s don't
Discover sh*t.
We don't get
Close enough to discover.
n*gg*s take
No chances.
"Wait, n*gga, is that
A rottweiler or a bear?
n*gga, go, go, no go,
f*ck that, go."
White people though,
Let me say this,
Y'all need some
n*gga friends.
Get you some
n*gga friends.
Just don't ever, ever call 'em
"Your n*gga friends".
Don't ever--
That'll f*ck
The relationship up.
"There's
My n*gga friend.
You guys say it
All the time. What--"
White people, you need
Your n*gga friends
So they can tell you
When sh*t is not appropriate.
First of all, white people,
Please stop putting
Them little blue leashes
On your children.
Please,
Stop doing that.
That is only
Entertainment for n*gg*s.
That's all that is, we be
Excited than a mother fucker.
Say,
"Look at 'em, look."
That's why white kids grow up
And k*ll everybody
In the god damn school
'Cause you done treated 'em
Like a german shepherd
Ever since they was three.
They be in store like,
"Ooh, I want--"
(Laughter)
Look at n*gg*s laughing
Like we know what the f*ck
To do with our kids.
We don't know what the f*ck
To do with our kids neither.
Look, I know all comics
Come on stage and say
You need to b*at your kids,
But as a father,
Let me just say publicly,
Maybe we should stop
b*ating our kids.
Publicly.
We are tired of going
To the grocery store
To see you b*at
Your mother f*cking babies.
Maybe your baby
Ain't bad, bitch.
Maybe you's a bad mother,
Did you ever think of that,
You Ret*rded
Mother fucker?
That is a toddler, your baby's
Supposed to like skittles,
You ignorant bitch!
As soon as your baby
Touch the skittles,
You, "what the f*ck
Did I tell your mother--
What did I say
In the car, bitch?
What did I say in
The mother f*cking car?"
White people'll be like,
"You can't do that."
"Bitch, you're next!
What the f*ck!"
(Laughter)
Gotta love
White people.
Gotta f*cking love 'em,
But white people,
Your n*gga friends,
They can help you.
Where are my spanish
People at?
Where
The spanish people?
We got to thank
All 17 of y'all for coming.
We appreciate that.
I know most of you
Mother f*ckers roll together.
Y'all mother f*ckers
Are efficient.
You ever seen them
Come to club?
There be 39 of them mother
f*ckers in the same car just--
(Laughter)
Like, "bitch, that is
A ford focus.
How many mother f*ckers
Is in there?"
(Laughter)
But you need
Your spanish friends.
Don't nobody party
Like them mother f*ckers.
Nobody in the world
Party like them mother f*ckers
'Cause they don't need sh*t
That n*gg*s need.
They don't need
Invitations or streamers
Or balloons or nothing.
Them mother f*ckers
Only need a front yard
And some mother f*cking corona
And them mother f*ckers--
(Laughter)
n*gg*s can't even go
To they parties
'Cause they don't
Never end.
f*ck, you have a party
Last three and a half
Mother f*cking months,
Just got n*gg*s
In there hostage.
Just--
(Laughter)
"I want to go home,
n*gga, this is--"
Spanish people, you got to get
You some n*gga friends too
So they can tell you
When sh*t is not appropriate.
We are tired of going to the
Laundromat to see you in there.
Your baby girl is all
Of seven years old,
This bitch has on a wedding
Dress and soccer shoes.
Where the f*ck
Is she going?!
Is she marrying bleach?!
(Laughter)
All I'm saying
Spanish people, is if you are
Pushing a stroller
Through the mall
And your child's feet can touch
The ground out the stroller,
Let little ese
Walk then.
This mother fucker's
13 God damn years old
With a cigarette
And a sidekick.
"Push it faster,
Ese."
All I'm saying is life
Is too short for racism.
We all got
Mother f*cking problems,
But we can learn,
We could learn.
Just, n*gg*s, just--
f*ck that.
Just don't try to do everything
With your white friends.
Don't get drunk
With your white friends.
Can't do it.
Can't f*cking do it,
They don't drink like n*gg*s.
n*gg*s, we are
Very consistent.
If a n*gga drink hennessey,
That what the f*ck
That n*gga drink.
That's what he drink.
Hennessey, you ain't gotta
Keep asking him.
That's what he drink
On monday, wednesday,
Friday, his birthday,
Jesus' birthday, hennessey.
If they don't have hennessey,
He will take remy
As a back-up,
That's as far as it goes.
White people don't care
What they drink.
All they care about
Is what they said
When they was leaving
The house.
"Tonight,
We're getting f*cked up!"
(Laughter)
It's all the f*ck
They care about.
Them mother f*ckers--and you
Got to be careful, n*gg*s,
'Cause they tricky.
White people like to
Buy the drink.
As a n*gga, we are not
Prepared to turn down
A free god damn drink.
We don't give a f*ck
What it us, like,
"This is unleaded?
That's spicier
Than a mother fucker.
n*gga, I like that."
I had to find out
The hard way.
I'm drinking with
Some white people,
They buying me these
God damn drinks.
The sh*t was delicious.
It was called zambooki
And I shoulda known,
That don't even sound like
No sh*t a n*gga
Should be drinking
Any god damn way.
Sound like one of my
African cousins or some sh*t.
But the sh*t was delicious,
But it was coffee and alcohol
Together.
I was knocking
Them b*tches back.
It wasn't till I got f*cked up
That I realized that maybe...
(Laughter)
Maybe this is not
The right combination of sh*t
For a n*gga to be
f*cked up on
'Cause now I'm f*cked up.
I'm at the house
And n*gga is f*cked up,
But I can't pass out.
I'm just in the house,
"n*gga, I am f*cked up.
Nah, I'm cool, n*gga,
I'm cool, n*gga, I'm cool.
f*ck that.
Let's get
The day started."
We got to start having fun like
White people have fun though.
We be thinking white people
Can't dance.
White people be too
f*cked up to dance.
That's how n*gg*s
Used to do.
Remember we used to go to
The club and have fun and sh*t?
n*gga used to go
And have fun.
We can't have fun.
Now, n*gg*s just in the club
Watching other n*gg*s
And sh*t.
Just waiting on some sh*t
To pop off.
Get real high
And go to the club next time
'Cause that f*ck it
In your system'll help you out.
Just go in the club
And make up your own
Mother f*cking dance
And see how much fun
Your god damn ass have
While mother fucker
Is watching you.
(Upbeat music)
Yeah, like when
That song come on,
Just walk in the club.
Get real high
And walk in
And make up your own dance.
♪
(Laughter)
I'm just saying,
Have some fun in your life.
Life is short.
(Cheering)
-Can I do it one time
For the folks?
-One time
For the folks.
-Can I get
A yeah?!
(Offscreen)
-Crowd: yeah!
-Can I get
A yeah?
(Offscreen)
-Crowd: yeah!
-Can I get
A what?!
-What!
-Can I get
A what?!
(Offscreen)
-Crowd: what!
-We'll like to get
A okay!
(Offscreen)
-Crowd: okay!
-Atl, holler!
(Cheering)
-You gotta go in the gym
And listen to that n*gga music.
That n*gga's music
Gets you f*cked up.
Be in a room full
Of strangers, talking about,
"f*ck them
n*gg*s on the south side."
(Laughter)
"n*gga, where is
My compass?
Where is my
Compass?
I thought--"
Just saying, you go to
Enjoy your mother f*cking life.
Life is too f*cking short
For bullshit.
I'm in hollywood now,
I'm finding out most of the sh*t
I thought was real
Ain't even real.
I met dmx nine months ago,
This n*gga is two inches
Taller them me.
I don't know why the f*ck
I thought that n*gga
Was 6'12"
Or something.
That n*gga
Is my size.
And he really talk
Like that.
We in the restaurant,
He,
"Hey, bitch!
Can I get some water
And some lemon?!"
"n*gga, why
Are you hollering?
We in a restaurant,
n*gga, don't nobody--"
You know that n*gga
Wasn't sh*t in school.
Couldn't cheat at all,
Just, "hey, bitch!
What's the answer
To number seven?!"
"n*gga, you need to be
In the special class.
What the f*ck is--"
(Laughter)
I met omarion, this n*gga
Is the king of dancing
For a mother f*cking reason
'Cause all while
You trying to talk to this
Simple mother fucker,
He is practicing
His god damn dance moves.
I'm trying to have
A conversation, this mother--
(Laughter)
"Oh, touch."
"Touch what, n*gga?
This is--"
I met shaquille o'neal,
I was so mother f*cking
Happy to meet
That n*gga.
Then I find out I can't be
This n*gga's friend in public
'Cause he just too
Mother f*cking tall.
How the f*cking look--
I'm trying to congratulate you
On a good game and you got
Your d*ck all on my forehead.
(Laughter)
This is bullshit,
n*gga.
And he said if you in the atl
And a n*gga doin' dr*gs
In the atl, the n*gga
At least excuse his self.
Go to the bathroom
Or some sh*t.
n*gg*s in hollywood just do
The dr*gs right in front of you
And act like
Ain't sh*t happened.
You in the middle
Of a god damn meeting,
They, "yeah, so what we're
Gonna do is we're gonna do
The movie with you
And we're gonna--
We're gonna go back--"
(Laughter)
"n*gga, did you know
That I can see you?
n*gga, you right there,
It's on your nose.
n*gga, what?"
Mother f*ckers'll be gay
In hollywood
You never f*cking
Expected.
They be having these
Big ass mansion parties.
And the mansion party,
The whole mansion is a party
And then it's a separate party
In the little rooms.
I ain't been famous
That god damn long.
I'm excited than a mother fucker
To be at the mansion party.
You be looking in all
The god damn rooms
And you f*ck around and look
In the wrong room and sh*t.
(Laughter)
"n*gga, come here.
Come here.
Is that
Two n*gg*s kissing?
Is one of them n*gg*s
Professor obi?
He came out the closet!
Oh my god,
A rubber, rubber!"
Shut the god damn door.
All I'm saying is,
Our country is in
Turmoil right now.
Real n*gg*s
Verse bitch n*gg*s.
And bitch n*gg*s is getting
Strong than a mother fucker.
These mother f*ckers
Got power and sh*t.
Understand it,
The game ain't the same.
Martha stewart and lil kim
Both had to go to prison.
To prison, now let's look
At the crime.
f*ck them,
Look at the crime.
Martha stewart,
This was her crime.
The bitch had her money
In an account,
A mother fucker came up to her
And was like,
"Psst, psst.
Martha.
If you don't move your money,
Bitch, it's gonna be gone."
And she moved
Her mother f*cking money.
Now maybe in the white family's
Household this is a felony,
But to n*gg*s this is
A mother f*cking hook-up.
And if n*gg*s is going to jail
Over a hook-up...
Lil kim went to jail
For not snitching.
Give you that
One more 'gain.
Not snitching, for doing what
Your mama told you to do.
Didn't your mama ever say,
"Stop tattle-taling
All the
Mother f*cking time.
Don't nobody like
A tattle-tale."
That's what the f*ck
She went to prison for.
Meanwhile, michael jackson
Is free than a mother fucker
Smelling like little boys'
Booty holes
And I'm supposed
To be excited.
f*ck michael. I know,
I'm supposed to be happy
'Cause he used to be black.
I know, I know.
I remember.
f*ck that.
Michael forgot
He was a n*gga.
He forgot he was
A n*gga.
He forgot he was
A n*gga.
That is was us supporting him
When he had that big ass,
Greasy ass,
Bell pepper ass nose.
That was us.
Then the mother fucker
Wanted to get white
And we kept giving
The n*gga chances and sh*t
With the
Villa lago sh*t.
You know that ain't no
Real god damn sh*t.
What n*gga you know
Caught villa lago?
It'd be a line as big
As a mother fucker
To catch villa lago.
"You mean I can get
My credit rating up to 720
By catching this sh*t?"
f*ck michael.
f*ck him.
f*ck him, I don't give a f*ck
How good you can sing and dance.
I got babies,
You nasty mother fucker.
You can't play
With little boys' booty holes
And some of y'all
Looking at me like,
"I can't believe
You saying that.
It's a set up."
f*ck a set up.
Don't nobody say
The same sh*t about you
For 20 god damn years, what
The f*ck is you taking about?
If a mother fucker call you a
cr*ck head for 20 years,
Bitch, you are
Smoking cr*ck.
Whitney done smoke
Her knee caps off
And we still talking about,
"Nuh uh."
(Laughter)
f*ck michael.
He spent his whole life
Trying to be a white woman.
His whole
Mother f*cking life.
Then as soon as the n*gga
Get in trouble,
Now he want to be
Surrounded by muslims and sh*t.
Michael, you ain't no
Mother f*cking muslim.
You can't even be a muslim,
You got a white woman pork face.
How you gonna be a muslim,
Half your face is pork, michael.
f*ck michael, gonna get on tv
And lie to us
And tell us sh*t
Don't make no f*cking sense.
This n*gga climbing up
In trees and sh*t,
Talking about,
"Don't you climb trees?"
No, mother fucker,
We got bills and sh*t.
Take your peter pan ass
And make some peanut butter
Or some sh*t.
f*ck michael, telling n*gg*s
That'll pay good money for him,
Telling us sh*t that don't make
No god damn sense.
Talking about he put his n*gga
d*ck in a white woman
And came out with two babies
That ain't mixed.
Who the f*ck do you think
You talking to, n*gga?
I'm a grown mother f*cking man,
You put a n*gga d*ck
In a white woman and got two
Blonde, blue eyed babies?
n*gga, f*ck you.
f*ck you. One of them babies'
Name is blanket.
You can't name
No n*gga baby blanket.
You can't name a n*gga baby
Nothing soft.
Not blanket, quilt,
Comforter, none of that sh*t.
f*ck michael.
We know what the f*ck
Michael doin'.
We been knowing
How michael was.
If you don't believe me,
Tell me when's the last time
Michael was in a relationship
That you believed.
Don't worry,
I'll wait.
(Laughter)
When was the last time
You was like,
"Michael is f*cking the sh*t
Outta that bitch."
Not never.
That mother fucker showing up
To press conferences.
He got emmanuel lewis sitting on
His mother f*cking lap
And we like,
"Oh, that's cute."
Forgetting the fact
That emmanuel lewis was 26
Mother f*cking
Years old at the god damn time.
(Laughter)
f*ck that n*gga.
He just on the balcony,
Picking little boys out. Just--
(Laughter)
"I like him."
Michael can't f*cking
Lie to me.
I'm a grown
Mother f*cking man.
I love b*tches,
That's my sh*t.
I love b*tches,
So if you go to my house,
There's certain sh*t at my house
That ain't for me.
It's for b*tches.
I got a regular bed
With regular pillows
And I got two pillows
With a silk cover on it.
That's not for me,
That's in case b*tches
Want to come over there
And they don't feel like
Wrapping they
God damn hair.
They ain't got to
f*ck up they perm
f*cking
With a n*gga.
'Cause I love b*tches,
That's my sh*t.
If you go to my house,
There's alize in my house.
I don't drink no mother f*cking
Alize, but b*tches do.
So when they come over there,
I want 'em to feel comfortable.
Now what the f*ck would michael
Need at his house
If he was trying to make
Little boys feel comfortable?
I don't know,
A god damn amusement park.
Some mother f*cking animals,
Some video games.
Some free candy.
You notice all the kids
On trial was the same.
They was all either sick
Or slow or used to have cancer
Or couldn't
Speak english good.
You notice it wasn't no little
n*gga kids on trial.
You notice that,
Didn't you? You know why?
'Cause it's hard
To f*ck a n*gga child.
That's why. I could take my son
To never land ranch right now.
I bet you michael
Can't f*ck him.
My son'll be sitting
In the driveway like,
"Nuh uh,
Mr. Jackson.
I thought we was going
To lil bow wow's house.
I'm gonna call
My daddy.
I am a boy,
Demon!
You gonna get it,
You gonna get it."
Y'all been all that,
I appreciate the time.
God bless.
(Cheering)
(Upbeat music)
♪
-Katt williams tour.
I finally got a katt williams
All-access pass.
All this sh*t get me
Is like...
Cold ice
And hot meat.
(Offscreen)
-Male #3: I'm just letting
Everybody now out here,
We getting ready to do
Katt album.
He's official
Diplomat.
♪
-In the words of my
Spiritual advisor,
The great arch bishop
Don magic juan.
-Church.
-I'll say church, priest,
Tabernacle to you.
And I know you gonna put
Your pimp foot forward
And then another one
Come from behind.
(Offscreen)
-Katt: yes sir,
Absolutely.
-And everything's
Gonna be alright.
-I would have to say
It was great.
Everybody needs
A n*gga friend.
Gotta have
A n*gga friend.
If you don't have a n*gga
Friend, then where can you go?
-Katt williams
Is the truth.
-Yep.
-The truth.
-That's the best
Hbo special.
Can't wait for it
To come out and catch the man.
-And when showering,
You gonna shine like a star.
You gonna shine,
You gonna shine.
You're gonna shine so big,
So bright.
You're gonna shine
Like a star in the midnight.
You're gonna shine real big
In the sky.
I could see it, man.
I could see your name
In bright lights.
But what you got to do and what
You got to understand is this--
Hey, baby.
Bye, girl.
You be sweet.
But like I was saying
Before I was rudely interrupted
By that
Big mouthed bitch--
-Katt williams,
f*ck you very much
For having me
As a part of your show.
Behind the scenes.
Oh, just so you know,
I'm not authorizing
The use of any of this sh*t.
Oh sh*t, hey, I was just
Thanking you for having me
A part of this.
Katt--
Oh sh*t,
This mother fucker.
n*gga, you--you really are
A leprechaun.
-Pick up the phone, pimp,
Pick up the phone.
Your hoes' calling all the way
From new orleans, louisiana.
Woo!
-He goes in there
And grabs my grape sodas.
Look at this n*gga.
Just like a hood n*gga,
He couldn't grab a coke.
He had to grab my mother f*cking
Soda with the flavor on it.
The one I put in
The freezer.
The two I put in the freezer,
He gonna get.
You block head
Mother fucker, you!
-No, that can't be it.
(Offscreen)
-Male #1: that is it,
You block head fuckamu, g.
-Katt: 'cause, you know,
They're coming for the package.
(Laughter)
-Yeah, turn my music up,
Bitch, sh*t.
Put on some of that new snoop
Dogg and katt williams sh*t.
Some of that, yeah.
(Offscreen)
-Katt: some of that.
-All my b*tches.
There's something
You all should know.
♪
You ain't nothing.
Without me.
You're just a tramp.
Yeah, that sh*t banging.
(Offscreen)
-Male #2: I'm there for you,
Little mother fucker.
-Katt: wait till you see what
He says as soon as I leave.
-Oh, I said that sh*t already
Before you came in here.
-Katt: I knew it!
I'll be watching my own
Dvd like this.
I think he really
Feel that way too.
I think he really--
Okay, stop,
Turn the music off.
Okay, I got to tell
You n*gg*s something.
The rest of y'all that got like
Bad baby sitters or something,
If you got babysitters
That ain't sh*t,
Go ahead, leave,
This show is over.
I just gotta say,
I know a lot of mother f*ckers
Don't get the opportunity
To say thank you.
I really want to say it
Because I'm 5'5", so um...
I ain't never really been
Scared of nothing
'Cause I done been
Knocked out before.
It wasn't that
God damn bad.
I woke up in the club
Well-rested and everything,
Like--
But I don't think mother f*ckers
Say thank you enough,
So I want to tell
You mother f*ckers thank you.
I ain't from here.
I hope you had a good
God damn time.
I appreciate it.
And god bless y'all,
That's all I want to say.
Thank you.
(Cheering)
♪
-Shappa-dappa boo-bop.
Snoopy d-o-dub, cuz.
Now, I'm gonna go finish
What I'm doing.
Getting my money,
Breaking these b*tches,
Making this music.
But in the meantime
And between time,
Check out my n*gga
Katt williams, mother f*ckers.
Smoke some.
♪
Katt Williams: The Pimp Chronicles Pt. 1 (2006)
Moderator: Maskath3