[ Phone rings ]
Thank you for calling
Katt williams.
If this is a white person
Calling, appreciate your call,
And I'll get back with you
At my earliest convenience.
On the other hand, if this is
One of my n*gg*s,
What's happening, pimp?
[ Beep ]
Hi, katt.
This is jeffrey greenberg's
Office calling to remind you
About your movie pitch meeting
Today at 9:00 a.m.
It's now 4:00 p.m., And we're
Just wondering when we're gonna
See you, so, um, give us a --
[ Beep, dial tone ]
[ Operatic singing ]
You're gonna do great, baby.
Yeah, I know.
I feel like I can do great,
But...
And you can.
Still nervous.
-Don't be.
-[ Exhales ] how do I look?
-Amazing.
-Hmm, how do I feel?
-Tall.
-How do I kiss?
Great.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
[ Exhales ]
Well, I'll take my vitamins now.
Got to stay healthy.
-Here you go, baby.
-Mmm, thank you.
Mmm.
One for the money...
Two for the show...
Three to get funny...
Go, pimp, go.
[ Laughs ]
All right.
Get your mind right, player.
Get your mind right.
Hey, baby.
You look good.
Thank you.
Look who shows up when you
Need a hat.
Getting ready to do the biggest
Stand-up movie ever.
-This might be scary.
-It's all coming true.
I know.
The quicker I leave, the quicker
I can get back.
-Let's do it.
-Yeah? Okay.
[ Hip-hop music plays ]
Are you forgetting something?
-Yes, sorry.
-Yes.
Yeah, that.
It was that or a shirt.
One of those two.
Spartans!
Ah-ooh!
Wendy williams, come on.
-Hey, katt!
-Huh?
I want you to make them
Feel good.
-Make 'em feel good!
Ha!
And I know somebody's been
Putting my seat back.
[ Hip-hop music ]
♪ The pimp, the pimp,
The pimp, the pimp ♪
♪ The pimp ♪
♪♪
A house filled with beautiful
Black women.
The only one showing her titties
Is the white girl.
Put a pin in that.
We'll come back to it.
You're bringing a large
German shepherd with you.
That's an interesting choice,
Seeing that it's a room filled
With jews, okay?
Do you know what their reference
For german shepherds is?
The nazis.
Okay, put a pin in that.
We'll be back to it.
Now, here's the deal --
If jimi hendrix was mounted
By allen iverson
In richard pryor's rec room,
They would give birth to you.
Now, here's my question
To you --
Do you have your inner pimp
With you now?
I-i--
You waited way too long.
What the f*ck are you doing?
Of course you do.
That is your center.
That's exactly who you are.
You're gonna walk into a room
Filled with people,
And they're gonna pitch you
Snakes on a plane
Meets f*cking star search, okay?
You know what I'm saying?
So it's gonna be, like, f*cking,
A python flying out of
Ed mcmahon's ass.
Nobody wins, all right?
Do you understand
What I'm saying?
[ Coughs ] yes.
Okay, now, you have an energy,
A truth, that reverberates.
As soon as they see that,
They're going to have fear,
All right?
And fear will manifest itself
Into some stupid
m*therf*cking ideas.
You take none of 'em.
You write your own ticket
In this life.
Okay, like, the last part.
That meant --
[ Hip-hop music ]
They are just down here in
The corner office.
Are you sure you don't want
Anything to drink?
I'll take a quadruple
Hennessy with a gin back.
-Katt williams.
-How are you, sir?
-Hey.
-Hi.
-It's right over here.
-Uh-huh.
Hey!
There he is.
The man himself, in the flesh.
More impressive-looking in --
In person.
I hope you'll forgive this.
I'm trying this on.
An ode to you.
-Honorary n*gro.
-Great to see you.
Hey, and who's this?
[ Dog growling ]
Gangster dog's kind of
Smiling at me.
"This sh*t right here.
This sh*t right here.
m*therf*cking rottweiler."
You might want to be careful.
You know, these are --
These are german-bred att*ck
Dogs, you know,
And so what they do is
Sometimes they play possum.
They lay there like,
"I'm a pet. I'm --"
And then, you're rubbing 'em,
And then -- wow.
It's just like they're right
There, like, literally at
Your throat, and you're trying
To call help,
But there's a mouth,
You know, like, the dog's
Entire mouth is right there,
So it's very hard for you
To even say anything,
And anything will
Set 'em off.
Like, pretend like you're gonna
Hit me.
Like, pretend like --
Generally, he would be right --
Right...
[ Dog whimpering ]
Yeah.
Um...
Would you like to take a seat?
Yes. Yes, I would.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
I'll leave you.
All right.
N-nice meeting you.
-Oh, oh.
-He's a big boy.
-Oh, oh.
-He's a big boy.
-[ Laughs ]
-He's a little big boy.
This little guy's in heaven.
[ Laughs ]
[ Babbling ]
Katt, we want to be
In the film business
With katt williams.
Okay. All right.
All right, okay.
[ Exhales ] fresh start.
-All right.
-Okay.
I want to start it off with
The biggest stand-up movie
That I can possibly do.
I mean, I need this to be
A banger, you know what I mean?
I need to go get my old crew --
The ones I was doing jokes with
In the beginning -- bring us all
Together as a team
And hit the road, you know,
And keep it real.
-None of that...
-Yeah.
Hollywood bullshit, you know?
-Keeping it real.
-Exactly.
That's what I'm talking about.
Give it up for my man,
Katt williams!
♪ Hustlin', hustlin',
Hustlin', hustlin' ♪
sh*t!
Cut it off.
That's my sh*t.
-I love it.
-Thank you, thank you.
I love it.
Thank you.
Here's how we see it.
-Let me throw some names at you.
-Please.
-Eddie murphy.
-Martin lawrence.
-Tyler perry.
All took their m*therf*cking
Career to the next m*therf*cking
Level with one device that makes
A good movie into a great movie.
A camera.
-Fat suit.
No, no.
No, sir. No, sir.
With all due respect,
This is my bust.
I will do it alone.
I do not need backup
Or anything.
I am right on it.
Right on it.
I've got my w*apon in my hand.
I'm in hot pursuit.
I promise you that.
Excuse me.
[ Techno music ]
I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna get you -- oh!
[ Car alarm wailing ]
Good, right?
And the best part is, it's not
Called fat cop.
It's called fat cops, because
You, just like eddie murphy,
Will play every part.
[ Car alarm wailing ]
I just heard a sh*t.
I was just washing my hands.
Oh, m*therf*cker, are you sh*t?
Are you sure that's me?
You play every part.
You do every voice.
[All]
m*therf*cker.
Officer down.
Call 911.
Officer down.
Oh, jeez, he can't breathe.
He can't breathe.
Oh, don't you die on me.
Not before I tell you, oh, god,
That I love you.
You have the voice
Of an angel.
♪♪
Is -- is that lobster?
Yeah.
Oh, I love lobster.
Is there any we --
We can salvage?
Oh, yeah, I think so.
All right, let's see what we
Can get to.
Oh, oh, look at that,
Look at that, look at that.
-Oh, you've got to look for it.
-It's a -- oh, that's right.
Oh, speaking of look for it,
Look what I got.
Oh, oh.
Always prepared, you are.
Oh, yeah, here it goes.
That's some good stuff.
Yeah.
Mm, I think there's a piece
Of gravel in that piece, too.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-No, that's fine.
Oh, yeah. Eat it up.
-Mmm.
-Mmm, mmm, mmm.
[ Both moaning ]
Bang.
Or we put you on an iceberg.
It's march of the penguins
Meets brokeback mountain.
[ Wind whistling ]
I'm so sick of this sh*t.
I don't know what to do.
Stand here and hold
The m*therf*cking egg.
"I'll be right back."
That was two m*therf*cking
Months ago.
That's a long time to wait
For cold p*ssy.
Man, I miss p*ssy so much.
I'm about ready to turn gay.
You know what I mean?
Or, you know 300, right?
You're g*dd*mn right
I know 300.
That's my sh*t.
Yeah, well, that sh*t
Wasn't sh*t.
This movie is 100 times mo'
Power-packed.
-100 Times?
-100 Times.
Men of sparta!
I speak for myself, and I speak
For our great leader, claudius.
Today, claudius will die
In honor...
As he leads sparta into
A battle against an army
Of 100,000.
[ Men shouting ]
[ Army chanting "k*ll! k*ll!" ]
m*therf*cker.
It's not called 300.
It's called 3.
[ Army clamoring ]
Ladies and gentlemen...
[Clears throat]
[ Army clamoring ]
Huh?
3?
As in we're all dead
In three minutes?
Yes!
[ Babbling ]
Spartans!
Forgive me for my emotion.
I just -- it's just that hearing
Your words made me realize what
An important battle this is.
A battle like this deserves
The special sword.
[ Angelic harmony ]
The only regretful news is that
I do not have
The special sword...
[ Angelic harmony ]
With me now.
What is your name, lieutenant?
n*gga, you know me.
It's your cousin, jamal.
I'm gonna ask you again.
Just yell it out.
What is your name, lieutenant
Who is not related to me?
I am jamal.
Jamal.
Follow jamal until I can get
Back with my special sword.
[ Angelic harmony ]
Don't look for me
For quite some time.
Spartans!
Ah-ooh!
[ Speaks indistinctly ]
-You know what it is.
-Ah-ooh.
Holla back, bitch.
So, my man,
What do you say?
Two words...
Pimp out.
Oh, yeah, thank you for
Jacking my dog off.
I appreciate it.
If you're quite done,
Sperm donor.
Thank you.
Great job in there.
Great job.
-Spartans!
-Ah-ooh.
Red, it's katt.
Look, I'm putting the show
Back together.
We got to get the f*ck
Out of hollywood.
Call melanie.
I don't care what you're doing.
You hear me?
♪ It's pimpin', pimpin',
It's pimpin', pimpin' ♪
[ Laughing ]
Yo, I was still throwing 'em,
Slim, I was still throwing 'em.
What are you doing?
I'm ready to go though.
Ready to go.
You come back here,
You crazy m*therf*cker.
-Where you going?
-Hey!
-Hello?
-What?
It's okay you're small.
We small too, we asian.
Yeah, we used to it.
We don't have much room anyway.
-It's okay.
-Twins?
-Triplets.
-Triplets?
You come back!
Not identical though.
[Laughs]
-Let's go!
-Look identical to me.
[ Laughs ]
-Hey, come back here!
-Bring me back an oxtail!
♪ Two step ♪
♪ Two step now ♪
♪ Give it to me, drop it down ♪
Melanie!
Bring your black ass on.
Why is melanie bringing
A bear carcass?
[ Loud footfalls ]
Fee-fi-fo-fum.
♪ Give me a lap dance ♪
♪ She bisexual,
Patty and pam ♪
♪ So patty walked over there
And patty kissed pam ♪
♪ And pam kissed patty back
And them kissed them ♪
♪ So now I'm going home
With patty and pam ♪
Get your ass out that car
And grab my bags, right now!
-Get out!
-[ Grumbling ]
-I'ma cut your ass.
-All right, whatever.
-You'll be red for real.
-Give me this g*dd*mn--
I'm about to whup somebody.
Uh-uh, hell to the no.
Katt, katt, I'm gonna need
His first check.
He gonna buy me some
More luggage.
-Are you out of your damn mind?
-Get your ass in the car.
Hey, what you doing?
Get back there with your bitch.
-Get back there with your bitch.
-[ Laughs ]
-She look like you.
-No, she look like you.
That's who you're gonna
Be screwing
This whole g*dd*mn tour, too.
I'd hit this before I hit you.
You damn right you will.
-Hey, katt.
-Hey, melanie.
-You all right?
-What's up?
Hey, red.
I miss you guys.
I thought luenell
Was gonna be with you?
No, no.
Luenell got a gig.
And I went to the side
Of the tub,
And I hiked my foot up on
The side of that tub.
I ran me some bathwater.
I took that nair, and I
Sprinkled it in my hand,
And I slapped it on the p*ssy.
Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap,
Slap, slap.
Slap, slap, slap.
I don't know how far back
Your p*ssy goes.
My p*ssy goes way back here.
So I was just slap, slap, slap,
Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap.
I waited for five minutes
Like the box say, right?
I'm waiting...
[ Humming ]
[ Sniffs ] whew!
Bing!
Five minutes.
Okay, I got in the tub, and I
Rinsed that m*therf*cker off.
I rinsed that m*therf*cker off.
[ Mimics fanfare ]
Clean as a baby's ass, y'all.
It was a beautiful thing.
Oh, we f*cked and sucked
And skeeted and squirted
All over the place.
That m*therf*cker's face looked
Like a warm, glazed
Krispy kreme doughnut.
I tell you, it was fabulous.
It was wonderful.
It was a beautiful thing
For about two weeks.
The hair started to grow back.
Now, I don't know how many of
You ladies have ever poured
Kerosene on your p*ssy and set
It on fire before, but there was
A burning and an itching
Sensation, y'all,
That I wouldn't wish
On my worst enemy.
I mean, I couldn't scratch
My p*ssy hard enough.
I had credit card, hair brushes.
I was just, "ooh!
Ooh!
sh**t!
Oh, my -- ooh!
Ooh!"
Oh! Oh, my god, I will never do
That sh*t again for no
m*therf*cker,
Not as long as I live.
I don't care if my p*ssy
Look like you.
[ Laughs ]
Thank you!
Thank you!
[ Light applause ]
Oh, wow.
Oh, you don't have to ask,
Honey.
Thank you so much.
God bless you.
[ Heart monitors beeping ]
Hi, baby.
My diaper is full.
I know, honey.
I can smell it.
I mean, my diaper is full in
The back and in the front.
Ooh.
It's gonna be hard to quit you.
♪ I know we're trying
To keep our business ♪
♪ Off the street ♪
♪ It's getting hard
To play the game ♪
-What's up, yo?
-You look good, girl.
Look golden, look golden.
How are you?
-Look at you.
-I'm good, I'm good.
Baby.
Okay, so here's the plan --
20 Cities.
-20 Cities.
-Right.
-20 Cities.
-40 Shows.
-Thank god.
-40 Shows?
-40 Shows.
-Hallelujah.
20 Days, and the best news of
All, unlike the good old days,
We get paid.
-Whoo!
-No way. Cash money?
-Cash dollars?
-Dollar, dollar.
-U.s. American dollars?
-Whoo!
Let's roll.
Would you look at the d*ck on
This dog, girl.
Oh, my god, girl.
Leave that dog alone.
-I'm just saying.
-I knew it.
All dogs got big dicks.
Don't you know that?
Number one in the streets.
Power 92, today's hottest music.
Katt williams and friends,
They are on they way
To the city of
Chi right now, as we speak.
You know what I'm saying?
And he say, you know, he may be
Running a little behind
Due to the fact
They driving here.
I didn't know -- you know, I
Thought, you know, that maybe
He'd have a pimped-out plane
Or something like that,
But he's actually pushing
The cadillac here,
Doing the real pimpin',
Real church style.
I love this beautiful car.
It's nice.
-Thank you, melanie.
-Why the f*ck we ain't flying?
Comedian katt williams was
Arrested today
At the los angeles
International airport
When security officials
Found a handgun
In his carry-on luggage.
A bad situation turned worse for
The star when the handgun was
Discovered to be stolen
And three additional
Weapons were
Found inside his checked
Luggage.
Because it ain't about
Flying, melanie.
It's about us getting back
To our comedic roots
And being all jammed together
In the same car,
And going across the country
Delivering these laughs
To people.
Who the hell would want to fly
In a g-5 all the time anyway?
You know -- what?
Even the dog raised his hand.
Hello.
He just raised his hand
'Cause he want his d*ck rubbed.
-Well, okay.
-That's my d*ck.
[ Laughs ]
Oh...sorry, red.
Sorry, red.
He's so hairy, she thought it
Was the dog's.
[ Laughter ]
Las vegas, give it up for
The wild belle of comedy,
Luenell!
All that glitters
Is not gold.
If the bitch look too good to be
True, she probably is.
Okay?
If you meet a girl whose
Earrings match her necklace,
Match her bracelet, match her
Ring, match her nipple piercing,
Match her belly button piercing,
Match her belly chain and her
Ankle bracelet and her toe ring,
And her toenails match
Her fingernails, and her
Fingernails ain't acrylic
And the bitch grew 'em
All herself,
And she got pretty legs,
And the bitch ain't never
Skinned her knee
Or got a mosquito bite,
Ain't got no cellulite or no
Varicose vein,
And her ass is tight,
And her titties is perky,
And they're both the same size,
And they look up at you,
And she got a nice neck
With no fat around it,
And she don't sweat too much,
And her breath smells good,
And her teeth is all
White and straight,
And her lipstick is on good,
And her eye makeup is on good,
And the bitch ain't got no wax
In her ears,
And you feel her hair and it's
Long down her back, and she
Ain't got no tracks in her hair
Or nothing like that, you better
Lift that bitch's skirt up,
'Cause her d*ck is probably
Bigger than yours.
[ Cheering ]
♪♪
You gonna wake her up?
Hell no.
She's tired.
[ Coughs ] oh.
Ooh. Ooh.
-Hey, luenell.
-Yeah, hey.
How long I been laying down
There like that?
What do you think, red?
-A couple hours.
-Oh, my god.
-That's all.
I appreciate it too, 'cause I
Was just getting ready
To stop and get
Some coffee, man.
Yeah?
Um, I sleep with my mouth open.
I know that.
I'm just glad that you can
Breathe through your nose.
What's that supposed to mean?
Houston, texas, give it up
For the crazy man
With the crazy glare, red grant!
Your ding-a-ling be up like,
"n*gga, we about to get head."
You ever got head so good it
Make your butt cheeks
Squinch up?
You start pointing your toes
And sh*t.
Fellas, you ever make a gay
Sound and sh*t,
And you've had
To catch yourself?
You be like, "mmm-mmm-mmm.
Oh, oh.
n*gga, get tough.
n*gga, get tough."
[ Laughs ]
I got head the other day
So good,
When I clinched my butt cheeks
Up and I got up to go
To the bathroom, I pull all
The cover off the bed.
[ Cheering ]
Kansas city, missouri, give
It up for the original
Queen of comedy,
Melanie comarcho.
Sisters, I just didn't know
How bad it was.
I just didn't know how bad it
Was for the single lady
Till I saw season 2 of
The flavor of love.
I'm like, "lord, have mercy."
Is that where we at?
30 Women chasing after
This n*gga here?
He look like a sea monkey
With a clock.
Come on.
Ugh.
Ugh, not for all the money.
I don't give a damn.
Ugh. And they kissing him
And everything.
They making me [wretches].
I'd rather have them pig balls
And maggots off of fear factor
Than to kiss flavor flav's ass.
"That's okay.
You do flavor.
I'm gonna do pig nuts.
Forget your ass."
That n*gga's so ugly, you could
See him with your eyes closed.
You'll be like, "nope, I still
See your ass. Nope.
Ugh! I see the teeth, the clock,
All the sh*t.
I see it, I see it."
♪ Let's go!
Let's go! ♪
[ Laughing ]
[ Coughs ] see,
All I'm saying -- this is --
I can't believe y'all are
Smoking california's finest kush
In the car with me,
And I'm trying to drive.
That's just -- I got y'all's
Life in my hands.
You know what I mean?
Like, I've got lives
In my hands, okay?
I take this very seriously,
All right?
I'm not some sort of cab driver.
I am the captain of the ship,
And all I'm saying is that if
You had any idea --
[ Coughs ]
How high the captain
Is right now,
You'd put your m*therf*cking
Seatbelts on.
-Oh, god damn it.
-Strap up, strap up!
I don't need a f*cking
Navigation system.
I know where I'm going.
Lead me.
Katt, we need you
To hurry up, man.
You can't let the people down.
Chi town is out here by
The masses, waiting for you.
The biggest event of the year
Right here.
Chi town, and you've got my man,
Katt williams.
It don't get no better
Than that.
This is power 92.
Let's give it up for the best
Barbers, the wildest barbers,
And katt williams.
[ All cheering ]
-So we gonna enjoy the show.
-I like that perm, baby.
Is our hair luxurious, too?
[ Laughter ]
♪ Gonna pee, gonna pee ♪
♪ Gonna pee, pee ♪
♪ Pee, pee, pee, and pee ♪
♪ Gonna pee ♪
Nice d*ck!
[ Bell rings ]
Yeah, well, come back here
And let me f*ck you with it,
You bitch.
Get him!
My other show is that
Maury povich show,
That "you are the father."
n*gga, that's my sh*t.
I don't go nowhere when
"You are the father" is on.
'Cause he -- maury a freak.
He be freaking the girls
And sh*t on the sly
When they crying and sh*t.
Maury be like,
"So how are you doing?"
[ Crying ] "I'm good, maury."
"Yeah, you are. You are."
"I don't believe antoine is
Saying that is not his baby.
Look at that baby, maury.
Look at this baby, maury.
Look, just like antoine."
The baby don't look like nobody.
He's three months old.
His neck loose
As a m*therf*cker.
Antoine be backstage,
Clowning like a m*therf*cker.
He be, "you and that monkey.
f*ck you and that monkey,
Monkey."
Then they finally bring
Antoine out.
Y'all be the crowd when they
Bring antoine out.
"Come on out, antoine."
[ Crowd booing ]
"n*gg*s, f*ck y'all.
You don't know me."
He always slide his chair way
Over here and sh*t.
"What's up, maury?
Nah, she gonna try and say that
m*therf*cking baby
My baby and sh*t.
Nah, man, look at this
m*therf*cking baby, maury.
Look how loose his m*therf*cking
Neck is and sh*t.
n*gga, we don't have no loose
Necks in our family.
Everybody in our family got
Strong necks and sh*t.
We all play football."
Maury be like, "okay, well,
We're gonna find out
Who's telling the truth.
I have the results right here."
The crowd go crazy like sh*t.
[ Cheering ]
"So, antoine, you say you are
Not the father of little
Loose neck."
"Nah, man.
She f*ck everybody in the hood.
Then she gonna try and f*cking
Blame me for the baby and sh*t."
"And if you are the father,
What are you gonna do?"
"Well, if I'm the father,
I'm gonna take care of mine
And sh*t.
I take care of all 25
Of my kids."
"And, maria, you say that he is
The father.
How sure are you?"
"I'm 1,000% sure that he is
The father of my baby!"
"Well, here we go.
In the case of three-month-old
Antoine 'loose neck' richardson,
Antoine, you are...
Not the father."
Antoine goes crazy --
"That's what I'm tryin'
To tell y'all!
That's what the f*ck I'm tryin'
To tell y'all!"
He start dancing around like,
"You and that monkey, monkey,
Monkey, monkey."
And what the girl -- she do
The same sh*t every episode,
Run backstage and sh*t.
"I don't believe this sh*t!"
[ Groaning ]
Maury don't give a f*ck.
He just jump over there going,
"It's gonna be all right."
[ Cheering ]
You can't get a hard-on.
Y'all try to put that off on us.
"Well, if you'd shut up."
"sh*t, all I said was,
'What's the matter?'
sh*t, you shut up.
sh*t, you the one need to
Be concentrating or something.
I could talk all night long
And mine'll work just fine."
If you know what I know,
All the ladies in the
House say, "hello."
-Hello!
-sh*t, please.
I could go to sleep and my
sh*t'd be working, okay?
Silly-ass men.
They about to k*ll theyself
With this cialis and viagra
And levitra, and anything else
They can find to get
Their sh*t hard.
They trippin'.
There's natural ways to get
A hard-on, you know?
There's stuff you can eat.
Did you know that?
Look how quiet it got.
"Stuff you could eat?"
p*ssy.
"Oh, my god, luenell.
What is it that the b*tches
Can't stand?"
It's this sh*t here.
This sh*t.
The hell is that sh*t there?
What, are you
A gynecologist now?
Huh, you checking for
An ovarian cyst?
We can't stand that sh*t.
Now, this sh*t cooler
Than a m*therf*cker.
We love this.
Ooh, sh*t.
Whoo! Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
[ Hip-hop music ]
I'm so lucky that you're here
And on the tour with me,
'Cause I just do not know if I
Would be strong enough to take,
You know, this type of
Responsibility on
The road without you, you know?
But with me and you being there,
It's kind of like bonnie
And clyde, you know what I mean?
It's like batman and robin.
It's like bang-bang, you know?
Like, we the duo.
You got to keep all my secrets,
You know?
You don't even want to smoke
With me and don't get high.
You know what I mean?
Just keep on doing your job,
All right, hmm?
Me and you.
A boy and his dog.
Beast and a beast.
And we pretty, too.
Ain't we pretty?
Ain't we pretty?
You ain't got no split ends.
You ain't got
No split ends.
Your hair is glossy
And luxurious, huh?
Mm-mm!
[ Clears throat ]
Good boy. Good boy.
Them young girls, though, some
Of them need penalties, fellas.
That's why I tell fellas, "if
You messing with them girls
Between 19 and 24, get your ass
A flag and a g*dd*mn whistle,
And when they do that wild sh*t,
Blow your whistle
And throw your flag."
You know how they be riding
Your ding-a-ling all hard?
This all-out, don't give a f*ck
About your ball area or nothing?
Just like...
[Grunting]
Spinning around,
Looking at you and sh*t.
[ Grunting ]
"Red, that feel good, red?"
You the one screamin'.
"Ah, ah, ah!"
n*gga, blow your whistle
And throw your flag.
[ Mimics whistle ]
Personal foul.
Unnecessary roughness
On the ride.
That's a 15-yard penalty.
First down.
Yes, we want katt.
We've been waiting, okay?
-Katt, where are you?
-This right here, n*gga.
This right here.
That's katt williams.
-[ Laughs ]
-This sh*t right here.
This sh*t right here.
That dude right there.
That dude right there
Is a funny individual.
Look gorgeous, love the hair.
Chi town is out here by
The masses, waiting for you.
Pimp down! Pimp down!
Katt williams, I love you!
Get ready for that stinky.
We got it.
[ Laughter ]
Now that's why I'm --
-♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
-♪ Dee-da-lee, da-dee-da-lee ♪
-♪ Just a little bit ♪
-♪ Doo doo ♪
♪ Just give it to me baby ♪
-♪ Give it to me baby ♪
-♪ Dee-da-lee, da-dee-da-lee ♪
♪ Baby ♪
You hit this twice,
We go together.
Let's keep it real up in here.
In other words, quit waking
Your woman up in the morning
Like this, "hey, baby,
Is you asleep?"
"Ah! Ah!"
I know I'm an ugly
m*therf*cker,
But I've got cute features.
I hate hoes.
This ho came backstage the other
Day, pulled her titty out,
And asked katt for an autograph.
He up there, "where you want me
To sign?"
I'm like, "sign on
One of them lines."
And if you ain't never backed
Your bitch up across the bed,
You ain't never truly
Ate no p*ssy.
If you ain't never had your
Bitch go, "n*gga, wait, wait.
n*gga, no -- ooh.
n*gga, wait.
No, no, I've had enough."
Hey, y'all.
I'm melanie comarcho.
Thank you.
My name is luenell.
God bless.
♪ We're as high as the sky ♪
♪♪
Hold on, we're here!
This is it.
20 Cities, 40 shows, 20 days,
And it all comes down to this.
-You ready?
-I'm ready.
Y'all are ready.
Are they ready?
You see this brother nightly
On a show called wild 'n out.
[ Mimics applause ]
You've also seen him in a movie
With eddie murphy called norbit.
You've seen him in the movie
Called friday after next
As money m*therf*cking mike,
And you seen him in his own hbo
Special, the pimp chronicles 1.
Here in chicago to do
The pimp chronicles 2,
The king of underground comedy.
Give it up for
Mr. Katt williams!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ Hustlin', hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustle -- hustlin', hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustle -- hustlin', hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustle --
Hustlin', hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
Yes, sir!
♪ Every day I'm --
Every day I'm -- ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
Okay, sh*t.
Okay, cut it off.
What's going on, chicago?
What's going down in this bitch?
Mr. Dj, that's my song, too,
n*gga, that's -- play the song
Again for no reason.
Let me see it.
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle --
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin' ♪
sh*t!
Cut it off.
That's my sh*t!
That's -- any n*gga that hustle,
That's our national anthem
Right there.
Even if your job don't even
Require no hustlin'.
Even if you a librarian.
Just play that sh*t at the
Library, see how that sh*t feel.
You just in the library.
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle --
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin',
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
sh*t!
Turn it off, sir.
Don't play it again.
I'm just saying that's the sh*t.
I'm saying if you went to heaven
And they was playing that song,
You know it's fixin' to be
A party in heaven.
You just walk in heaven.
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle --
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin',
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
Stop it, sir.
Don't play it again, I said.
I'm just saying that's my sh*t.
I'm just saying, if you went to
The grocery store and they was
Playing that song, you'd buy
Everything in that bitch.
You know you ain't got but $78.
You're just in that
m*therf*cker.
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle --
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin',
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
Stop.
Sir, I said don't f*cking play
It again.
I'm just saying that's my sh*t.
Just saying, fellas, if your
Relationship ain't working
Right, stop f*cking your woman
To slow songs.
f*ck her to some gangster sh*t.
Just as soon as she walk in,
Just...
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle --
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin',
Hustlin' ♪
She gonna be like this.
"n*gga, I got to go to work in
The morning."
Sir, I asked you not to play
The song again, didn't i?
Just saying that's my sh*t.
That's all I'm saying.
I'm just saying, if you worked
At mcdonald's, you was working
The drive-through, and somebody
Came through and ordered
A number seven,
And you was the only one
Working in that bitch,
Even then, just put that
On the p.a. System, you just...
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle --
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin',
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm --
Every day I'm ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm --
Every day I'm ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Who the f*ck you think
You're f*cking with? ♪
♪ I'm the f*cking boss ♪
♪ 745 White on white ♪
What's going on, chicago?
sh*t!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Whoo!
Man, I am so glad to be here,
And it didn't snow on
A m*therf*cker.
Thank god.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Y'all's weather don't be
Bullshit.
When chicago say cold, n*gga,
They mean cold for real.
You don't be believing it.
You're traveling across
The country, "n*gga,
I don't give a f*ck about
The cold, n*gga.
It's just cold.
I got a coat."
No, n*gga. You need to buy
Your coat from here for here.
Your m*therf*cking wind
Disrespected the sh*t
Out of my jacket.
Just wait a minute.
f*ck, the cold's gonna be on a
n*gga's bones like,
"Shut the f*ck up, n*gga.
Shut up.
I'll freeze you to death."
If you is a pimp in chicago,
n*gga, you the sh*t.
I don't know how you pimpin'
b*tches and it's 18-below-zero
In this bitch.
"Bitch, where is my mo--
Wait till april, bitch.
I'm gonna thaw out and whup
The dog sh*t out your ass!
Give me a hot chocolate, bitch!"
I love chicago.
I'm happy.
I'm a happy m*therf*cker.
I'm just saying, we've got to be
Careful, 'cause the whole world
Is going crazy on us.
Used to be you could get k*lled
By only a few things,
Like a g*n, a Kn*fe,
Somebody hitting you in the head
With a rock,
A piano falling from the sky.
Now, you can get k*lled by
Anything.
I was reading in the paper,
m*therf*ckers are being k*lled
By spinach.
Ain't that a bitch.
You can't even go to heaven
If you get k*lled by spinach.
You can't even go, you don't
Know what to tell jesus.
You just --
"You know what, jesus?
I did have a salad.
I really did.
I don't know what
I was thinking about."
f*ck, you gonna die by a salad.
Then, they've got salmonella.
I thought you got this from
Raggedy b*tches.
No, come to find out you get
This sh*t from chicken that
Ain't cooked properly,
So as soon as I heard that, I
Was like, "oh, that's terrible
That white people could catch
Such a disease as that."
And everybody was like, "no,
n*gg*s can get it too."
What?
You gonna k*ll a n*gga, chicken?
The way we done supported your
Whole g*dd*mn career, chicken?
You're gonna k*ll a n*gga?
It say in the bible, "thou shall
Not k*ll n*gg*s with chicken."
It says that.
k*ll a n*gga with a two-piece.
Ain't that a bitch.
They got mad cow disease, which
f*cked me up completely 'cause I
Didn't even know cows even had
Feelings like that.
I don't give a f*ck what the cow
Feel like, bitch.
I just want a number seven.
Whole world is f*cking crazy.
You don't know what to trust.
You could f*ck around and stay
Away from gangbangers
And drug dealers and still
Get k*lled by a squirrel.
You got to try to act like it
Wasn't the squirrel.
"Oh, sh*t, n*gga.
Don't tell my mama it was
A squirrel, n*gga.
Don't tell my mama
It was a squirrel.
Tell her a n*gga sh*t me with
Two small b*ll*ts in the neck.
Tell her it wasn't a .22.
It was an .11.
Bitch sh*t me with an .11."
Oh, we're losing a lot
Of gangster n*gg*s.
We lost james brown.
God damn it, give it up for
The godfather.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That m*therf*cker was the sh*t.
We don't know none of his lyrics
And that m*therf*cker
Was the sh*t.
We still don't know what
The f*ck james was saying.
[ Shouting gibberish ]
"Yes, james, yes."
Losing a lot of gangster n*gg*s.
We lost one of the biggest
Gangsters in the whole world
Just recently.
The g*dd*mn crocodile hunter
Is gone, children.
He's gone.
That mother-- f*ck, y'all.
That m*therf*cker was the sh*t.
Crocodile hunter was the sh*t.
He wasn't scared of sh*t.
If you think he ain't gangster,
Go to your neighbors' house
And jump on their rottweilers
And see how that
Work out for you.
That white boy was the sh*t
'Cause he wasn't mean, or nasty,
Or nothing.
He was friendly
And informational.
m*therf*cker be hunting
Crocodiles.
"Oh, that's a beauty right
There, mate.
Oh, I've got her
In my sights now.
Wait for it.
Wait."
"She tried to do the bloody
Death roll on me.
Did you see her try to roll?"
f*ck you gonna k*ll that
m*therf*cker?
And just to show you how haters
Be on you, this m*therf*cker
Didn't even get k*lled
By a crocodile.
He got k*lled by a punk,
Bitch-ass stingray.
Ain't that some sh*t?
He wasn't even
A stingray hunter.
You know crocodiles talking
sh*t the next day.
Just, "I knew something bad was
Gonna happen to him, n*gga.
I knew it.
No, he wrestled my uncle
Down on national tv, n*gga.
Made a belt and some shoes
Out of him."
We got our soldiers fighting
Gangster n*gg*s.
Them t*rrorists is gangster.
How the f*ck you gonna scare
Somebody that want to die?
You're like, "I'll k*ll your
m*therf*cking ass."
"Thank you very much."
What the f*ck?
Ask any n*gga who ever
Fought a crackhead.
I don't give a f*ck how good you
Think you could fight.
You cannot b*at a crackhead,
n*gga. You --
Crackheads wobble but they
Don't fall down.
Them m*therf*ckers'll fight you
All night for $11.
Them m*therf*ckers is gangsters.
They don't be bluffing neither.
We be thinking they're bluffing.
They don't be bluffing.
They be right there on
National tv just,
"If you're not do what
We are for say to do,
Tomorrow at 12:00,
We are going to cut off
His head."
We be at the house like,
"That's some bullshit.
Ain't nobody gonna cut off
Nobody's m*therf*cking head
On national tv."
The very next day at 11:59,
They just...
You be like, "sh*t!
Play it again, play it again.
sh*t!"
Them m*therf*ckers, we can't be
Bullshitting with them.
We've got to get our soldiers
Away from them m*therf*ckers.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm proud to be an american.
'Cause we some bullies.
We won't take no sh*t from
Nobody's little raggedy country.
None.
We be right on tv daring them to
Say some sh*t.
"Just say something, bitch.
See if we don't come over
There and k*ll your whole
Country. Say something, bitch."
We might be bullies,
But we ain't stupid.
We did all that talk about
Weapons of mass destruction,
f*cking with other countries,
Walking around like
We was a junior high school
Principal and sh*t.
Just, "who got weapons
Of mass destruction?
Who got weapons of
Mass destruction?"
We did all that m*therf*cking
Talking.
North korea sh*t off
Ten m*therf*cking missiles.
We smooth act like we
Ain't even see that sh*t.
We just...
We ain't trying to f*ck
With them chinese.
There's 14 billion of them
m*therf*ckers, and white people,
Let me let you in on a little
Secret from n*gg*r-dom.
If you m*therf*ckers get in
A fight with chinese people,
Please don't think n*gg*s is
Fixin' to help you.
I'm just telling you right now.
I'm just telling you,
As long as them m*therf*ckers
Make some of the best orange
Chicken n*gg*s have ever tasted
For $1.29, you better not
f*ck with the chinese.
Not as many kung fu movies
As we've done seen.
We love the chinese.
We ain't gonna turn
Against them neither.
Y'all can get us in the meeting
All you want to.
Just, "n*gg*s, n*gg*s, n*gg*s.
Huddle up, n*gg*s, huddle up.
We're having a problem
With the chinese."
"n*gga, everything in my house
Is made from china, n*gga.
I got a mitsubishi on 22s
Right now, n*gga.
I drove that m*therf*cker here."
Black women definitely ain't
Gonna fight the chinese
As long as them m*therf*ckers
Make the best yaki
We can ever find --
Number 12, jet black.
Don't f*ck with the chinese.
Stop f*cking with them chinese
People --
They own everything,
Cell phones and the internet.
They'll shut off
The whole internet.
You'll be at work trying to get
On myspace, just...
"Control, alt, delete.
Control, alt, delete.
Escape, escape, escape."
No, bitch, it ain't coming back.
Just saying,
You got to watch it.
They want us to lose focus on
sh*t that don't matter,
Like g*dd*mn michael richards.
Kramer, m*therf*cker, walking
Around calling people "n*gga."
They want me to be mad about it.
I ain't f*ckin' mad.
If he can say "n*gga" in front
Of some n*gg*s and get away,
Then lucky for him.
He said it in front of
The right n*gg*s.
I bet you he couldn't
Come in this bitch
And start calling
Somebody a n*gga.
It'd be a short show.
Just, "hey, n*gga --"
We'd have drug that m*therf*cker
Out the angry crowd, n*gga.
Just right up
To seinfeld's house.
Just, "seinfeld!
Is this your sh*t?"
[ Laughs ]
sh*t.
I feel sorry for that
m*therf*cker.
He got to hide from all n*gg*s.
All n*gg*s.
He got to hide from all n*gg*s.
I know how hard it is to hide
From two n*gg*s.
You ever had to hide from
Two n*gg*s? Just...
He got to hide from all n*gg*s.
"Okay, no n*gg*r*s, no n*gg*r*s,
No nigg--"
[ Taps microphone ]
That's some bullshit.
That's the kind of sh*t you do
When you high.
I actually hit myself so hard,
It stunned me for a second.
[ Laughs ]
It's all right.
The real sh*t is the funny sh*t.
I feel sorry for fake n*gg*s.
They don't know how to live.
f*ck.
I'm gonna tell the truth.
I almost gave myself
A concussion.
There it is. f*ck.
You saw it live.
Just saying.
The world too f*cking crazy.
I can't believe we had that
Whole sh*t about m*therf*ckers
Saying "n*gga,"
Then, paul mooney, our n*gga,
Gonna get on tv
And say he ain't never saying
"n*gga" again.
What?
They can't take that from us.
n*gga, you gonna let 'em take
Our sh*t?
As long as white people can say
"Bad credit,"
We should be able
To say "n*gga."
That's our sh*t.
Oprah talking about,
"We can't say 'n*gga' no more."
Come on, oprah.
You own everything.
Don't take "n*gga" from us.
Don't you remember we love you,
Oprah, 'cause you a n*gga?
Did you forget that?
Remember color purple?
"Till you do right by me,
n*gga."
That was the sh*t.
Oprah's our n*gga.
sh*t getting crazy.
Getting f*cking crazy.
That's why I be trying to come
On the road,
So I can be around real n*gg*s,
'Cause hollywood'll throw you
For a m*therf*cking loop.
I got m*therf*ckers f*cking with
Me 'cause I said something
About michael -- I can say
Whatever the f*ck I want to say.
That's how I feel,
You sons of b*tches.
You see he moved his ass out
The country, don't you?
You see that?
That m*therf*cker live
In a country now where there
Ain't no child laws.
He can pick a little boy like
Flowers now.
He can...
[Humming]
"Oh, that's beautiful.
Look at that. That is nice."
[ Laughs ]
Eddie murphy and martin calling
Me, sh*t, talking about,
"n*gga, when michael see you,
n*gga, he gonna give you
The whisperin' of a lifetime,
n*gga."
"I can't believe you would even
Say anything like that."
I'm gonna do lil' jon on him.
"What?!"
"I can't believe that you --"
"What?!"
"Yeah!"
Whole f*cking world going crazy.
I know it's crazy.
I got caught up in the crazy.
What the f*ck am I doing at the
Airport with a g*dd*mn p*stol,
And I'm supposed to be doing
Shows and sh*t?
That was a mistake.
I had too much luggage,
Too many g*ns.
My m*therf*cking bad.
At least my n*gga friends
Understood.
My white friends didn't
Understand at all.
Them m*therf*ckers, "what?
He had a g*n?"
n*gg*s are like, "uh, yeah.
n*gga better have
A m*therf*cking g*n."
White people is like,
"But it was stolen."
"Uh, yeah.
I'm gonna sh**t a n*gga
With my g*n?
What kind of bullshit is that?"
Bam, bam!
There's the evidence.
Come find me.
sh*t.
f*cked-up part about it was
The tsa person was cool.
It was a n*gga.
He, like, 24.
He a fan. He talking all
Professional and sh*t,
And then I just heard
The n*gga just come out
Of him and scare both of us.
And he was just like, "yeah,
Man, I watch wild 'n out
All the time, man...
n*gga, what the f*ck
Are you doing?"
I was, like, "n*gga, what are
You talking about?"
"n*gga, it's a g*n in this bag."
"n*gga, I don't even have a bag.
What the f*ck is you -- whoo.
Mm-mm.
I hate bags, n*gga.
I hate 'em.
I don't even like 'em under
My eyes, n*gga.
My n*gg*s'll tell you
I hate a bag."
Them m*therf*ckers took my ass
To jail, and the f*cked-up part
Is I hadn't been since the last
Time I had no money,
So I was in there broke,
And I went there
And it's the same
m*therf*cking jail.
It ain't changed a bit.
That m*therf*cker is still jail.
For those of y'all who ain't
Never been to jail,
You want to
Know what's it like?
Go home, go in the closet, turn
Off the light, and stand there.
I ain't get too depressed
'Cause I was kind of proud,
'Cause for the first time
In my whole f*cking life,
I was finally in jail
And I finally, finally
Had the bail money.
I was walking around that
m*therf*cker like,
"It's all right, bitch."
They were trying
To offer me sh*t.
"I don't want your sandwich,
Bitch, I ain't gonna be here
Long, that's okay.
You can keep your blanket and
Your pillow, bitch,
'Cause I'm fixin' to...
[Zooms]
Open the door, b*tches,
And see...[Zooms]
I did all that talking,
I said -- they came back.
They was like,
"Sir, you have no bail."
"Oh, jesus. Jesus!
How I'ma pay 10%
Of nothing, jesus?
I can't do algebra, lord."
Stupid.
So much going on in the world,
You can't really trust nothing
But your family,
Your relationship,
Your kids, your friends.
That's it.
Stop trying to worry about
The rest of the world.
Control the sh*t you can
Control.
You got to watch
Your own people.
Tell me y'all got kids at home.
Y'all need to go home
And kiss 'em, for no reason.
Just kiss 'em soft so you don't
Wake their bad ass up.
All the parents know,
You don't be trying to wake --
"Look at that
m*therf*cker there.
That n*gga never even looked
Like he k*lled
Two rottweilers today, do it?"
I'm only talking about my
Friends now.
f*ck it.
I talk about shaquille o'neal
'Cause that's my friend,
And even though he's my friend,
This n*gga is still Ret*rded.
n*gga is stupider
Than a m*therf*cker.
This m*therf*cker got enough
Money to be whatever the f*ck
He want to be his whole life,
And what the f*ck
Does this n*gga want to be?
A g*dd*mn sheriff.
You can't be no g*dd*mn
Sheriff, shaq!
You are 18'6'12", n*gga,
How the f*ck --
You can't even go undercover.
"Do you have any dr*gs?"
"No, shaq.
We know that's your
m*therf*cking ass."
You a dumb m*therf*cker if you
Let shaq pull you out the car.
He's like, "could you step out
The car?"
"n*gga, could you make
A free throw?
Then I'm not getting out then.
I'm just not gonna do it."
If you want that n*gga
Not to sh**t you,
You've got to dress
Up like a basket. Just...
He can't sh**t them.
He can't sh**t baskets.
He can't do it.
That's my n*gga,
I can talk about him.
I ain't scared of shaq.
Shaq ain't even the gangster
In his family.
His wife is the gangster.
She's my size.
She done had five of this
n*gga's gargantuan-type,
Dinosaur-ass babies.
She don't even give
A f*ck no more.
Shaq's baby be 3 1/2 years old
When they come out.
She be steady in the
Conversation.
"Anyway, girl, I was going --
Ugh."
f*ck shaq.
That n*gga will invite me to
His son's fourth birthday party.
I get there, and me and this
g*dd*mn baby is looking
Each other eye to eye and sh*t.
And his son gonna have the
Nerve to put his hands up
Like I'm gonna pick
His big ass up.
"Put your g*dd*mn hands down.
Ain't nobody picking you up.
n*gga, we the same size."
You can tell he was shaq's baby
'Cause he was real big,
But he couldn't talk good.
All he could do -- he could just
Repeat whatever the last thing
You said.
I was like, "hey,
You want some candy?"
"Oh...candy."
Started f*cking with him.
"You want some chicken?"
"Oh...chicken."
I confuse the sh*t
Out that n*gga.
I say, "you want a candy
Or a whuppin'?
"Oh...a whoopin'."
I don't give a f*ck.
Better take care of your kids.
They're the ones
That got your back.
It can be a m*therf*cking
Hassle though.
You gonna put up with some sh*t
Raising your babies,
But you better appreciate them
m*therf*ckers.
They the ones that really
f*cking care.
I know, I've got adopted kids.
That's a whole different sh*t
When you got adopted.
That mean you just reaching in a
Bag, hoping for some good sh*t.
You just, "please, jesus.
Plea-- ooh, that's a m*rder*r.
n*gga, I know a m*rder*r when
The f*ck I see one.
That n*gga--"
Know what I'm talking about.
My baby girl is 18 months.
She was born with
cr*ck in her system.
Now, when the baby is born
With cr*ck in their system,
Their body don't develop right,
So she was born at,
Like, 4 pounds
Or some crazy sh*t.
So when the baby
Is born that small,
Then they put 'em on steroids so
The body can catch up.
I don't think these
m*therf*ckers did the proper
Research that maybe cr*ck
And steroids ain't a real good
Combination for a baby girl.
Got her walking around my house
Looking like 50 cent in pampers.
She's...
Like, "sh*t, you can't run up
On daddy like that.
I almost stabbed you.
Now, tell a n*gga
When you want some cereal.
This is ridiculous."
That's my m*therf*cking boo-boo.
That cr*ck and steroids done
Made her a gangster.
She ain't even like a baby.
She's just a gangster.
You be trying to feed her
And she just do gangster sh*t.
And you be trying to look at
Her, but she be giving you
The f*cking gangster back.
You be like, "come on.
Eat some more." She's...
You trying to play it off like
You ain't scared.
You're just, "you ate a lot.
You ate a lot.
Don't even worry about it,
All right?
I didn't see you
Had ate this much."
She gonna f*cking cry till she
Get what the f*ck she want.
The problem is she can't tell
You what she want.
She don't even cry like a baby.
She cry like a gangster.
She just in the high chair just,
"Huh-ahh! Huh-ahh!
Huh-ahh!"
"Well, what the f*ck do --"
Got grown n*gg*s
Running around the house
Looking for what
The f*ck she wants.
Got to love your m*therf*cking
Kids though.
You can count on them.
Some of your friends, you've got
To watch -- that's the sad part.
While you be looking for haters,
Some of them be closer
Than you f*cking think.
They be right there with you.
[ Applause ]
Some of them is clapping
Right now, look at 'em.
Look at 'em.
No, I'm playing with you.
[ Claps ]
They be hating quiet.
They don't hate loud.
They hate quiet.
Like, every time you say you're
Gonna do something good
With your life, they've got to
Make a little noise,
A little sound effect.
They just...
"Man, I'm gonna get
My sh*t together."
[ Scoffs ]
I'm telling you they gonna hate.
They got to.
They don't have no choice.
They've got to hate.
Jesus was perfect,
And he only had 12 friends,
And one of them was a hater.
Sat right at the table with him.
Jesus was cool.
He didn't even say
Nothing to him.
If I'd have been jesus,
I'd have fronted him off
First chance I got.
"You gonna sit at
My table, judas?
Put some water on the ground.
Do you see me walking on water,
Judas?
Turn you to a frog
In this bitch."
They gonna hate.
You just got to take it.
You got to take it.
They not mad at us.
We think they hate us.
They don't hate us.
They hate good sh*t.
They used to want good sh*t,
Hope for good sh*t,
Then good sh*t
Didn't happen to 'em,
And now these m*therf*ckers
Hate good sh*t.
They don't hate us.
They mad now 'cause
They got a raggedy car.
They looking at the n*gga
In the escalade
Like he made a f*cked-up
Decision. They just...
"What the f*ck he got
Six tvs for in there?
It ain't even six m*therf*ckers
In there."
"Don't you worry about it,
Raggedy bitch.
Figure out how to get that duct
Tape off your taillight
And mind your g*dd*mn business.
It's 2007, bitch."
n*gga, this sh*t right here,
n*gga?
[ Cheering ]
I know some of y'all was
Expecting to hear some jokes
From the pimp chronicles part 1,
But I don't feel right charging
Y'all m*therf*ckers money to see
Some sh*t you already saw
For free, so bear with
A m*therf*cker.
It's 2007 in this bitch.
Life is too short for bullshit.
I'm telling you, you can
Only care about your kids,
Your friends, your family,
And the person you in
A relationship with.
Ladies, y'all are in charge of
All relationships with us men.
You know that, so get on
Your f*cking job.
[ Woman shouting ]
Yeah, even you, ma'am, yes.
Pl--
She had tourette's.
She just hollering out sh*t
For no reason.
"98!"
What?
I'm just saying, ladies, if
You're in a relationship,
It's hard, it's hard.
Y'all can't keep talking sh*t
About men.
Make up your mind -- you're
Either with us or you ain't.
I'm getting tired of women
Walking around talking sh*t.
Talking about, "f*ck n*gg*s.
n*gg*s ain't sh*t."
Well, bitch, you need to either
Get you a girlfriend
Or shut the f*ck up,
Enjoy the g*dd*mn game.
sh*t.
It's your relationship, ladies.
It's your relationship.
Some of y'all are being greedy.
Some of y'all out there are
Looking for a 100% good n*gga.
Now, let me just tell you, I had
A meeting with all these n*gg*s
In attendance tonight,
And we established
There is no such a n*gga,
So stop looking
For the m*therf*cker,
And if we did have that n*gga,
He wouldn't want
Your m*therf*cking ass.
He'd be looking for a 100%--
Ain't no perfect people, ladies,
And sometimes you set your
Sights too high
And don't give n*gg*s no credit.
Some of y'all done had
98% Good n*gg*s,
98%, But you got rid of them
n*gg*s for 2 f*cking percent.
98% Good.
n*gg*s went to work,
Made a check, brought it back,
Shared it with you,
Put gas in the car,
Didn't b*at on you,
Took care of your kids
Better than his own kids.
He can't even see his kids.
He rubbing your son's hair
And putting his backpack on
In the mornings.
You done got rid of
That n*gga for 2%.
Right now, you sitting in
Here with a 71% n*gga
Hoping he an upgrade.
Look at you.
You can't even clap
'Cause he looking.
Just saying, ladies,
You've got to be happy.
How the f*ck you gonna
Have a 98% good n*gga
And you got rid
Of that n*gga for 2%,
'Cause he cheated
On you a little.
f*cking 2%.
You -- oh, what?
It's different now?
Ladies like, "n*gga,
That's a big two, n*gga.
What the f*ck?"
The fellas that are with me,
"Please make this work, n*gga.
Please, please.
I don't know what you gonna do,
n*gga, please."
Just got to understand, ladies,
sh*t is complicated.
Part of your responsibility in
The relationship is making sure
Your man don't cheat.
Help the n*gga out.
You know n*gg*s lose focus.
We easy to lose focus.
We just want to work and play
And f*ck and eat,
And not necessarily
In that order,
'Cause if a n*gga can f*ck,
We ain't even hungry.
We're just, "mm-mm,
I ate yesterday.
I'm good.
Just give a n*gga a tic tac
Or something." Just...
Ladies, it's time
To do some new sh*t.
If you are in a relationship
And you want to keep
The relationship,
You've got to do certain things
To keep raggedy b*tches
Off your man.
You are at w*r with
Raggedy b*tches,
'Cause if you don't
Suck your man's d*ck,
I know a raggedy bitch who will.
Now, I'm telling you, if you
Want your relationship, ladies,
However much d*ck you are
Sucking, suck twice that amount
And see if it does not change
Your relationship.
Look at the fellas.
"Yes, n*gga, yes.
What a resolution.
Yes, I am behind that."
Ladies, ladies, now, I -- look.
I see how y'all
Are looking at me.
Look. Look, let me say this
Before I even start.
Ladies, if you have made a
Conscientious decision
That you are not gonna suck
Any d*ck,
That is your right
As an american citizen.
Let me say it again.
If you have made a conscientious
Decision that you are not
Gonna suck any d*ck,
That is your right
As an american citizen.
Now, I will say it don't look
Good on your resume
When you need some sh*t
Done around the house.
I will say that.
Ladies, your job is to keep your
Man -- keep him focused on you,
And I think, ladies, if you
Would just suck a little more
d*ck, I think --
You don't understand how
Powerful it is.
Just -- we gonna -- I'm gonna
Give you some homework.
You try it.
I won't even be there,
And see how it work.
Next time your man come in
Arguing and cussing and sh*t,
Just suck that n*gga's d*ck in
The middle of the argument,
And see how quickly
The argument ends.
I don't give a f*ck
What he mad about.
Just, "this is some bullshit,
And I'm tired of this god--
Mmm. sh*t.
I don't even know what I be
Hollering at you for.
You ain't never done nothing.
You know them n*gg*s at the job
Be stressing a n*gga out
With sh*t and...
Here I come in here blaming it
On you and sh*t."
We love getting our d*ck sucked
In the car.
If you gonna suck our d*ck --
We get excited as soon as you
Touch the seatbelt.
We just...
Start moving sh*t out the middle
And took the radio out.
If you'll suck our d*ck
In the car,
We'll drive 500 miles in
The most awkward position ever.
Just...
Just saying, ladies.
If you knew how powerful it was,
You'd have to do it.
Look, ladies, let's just try
Something out.
Just, tonight, after the show,
Just suck your n*gga's d*ck
In the car on the way
To the house,
And see -- look at the fellas.
"Yes." [Babbles]
Just try it, ladies,
And see if your relationship
Don't change in the morning,
Just see.
When you wake up, that n*gga
Will be fully dressed
With a hammer, just,
"How are you doing, baby?
Are you okay?
I built you a porch right
By the bed because...
There's a driveway
Right there in the bathroom.
Just take a bath and..."
[Zooms]
I tell you, ladies, I know some
Of y'all ladies
Don't like doing it.
You think head lacks
The intimacy
And you miss the bond
And sh*t.
Some ladies don't like it
Psychologically.
They don't like having to do
This to a n*gga.
Get on they knees
In front of a n*gga
They just called a dirty
Son of a bitch 45 minutes ago.
Ladies, if that's your problem,
Tell that to your man.
See if that n*gga don't try
To help the relationship
And pull a stepladder right in
The middle of the living room.
Just...
"Oh, that's much better.
Look at that.
Got your posture
All up and sh*t.
I appreciate that."
Just saying, ladies.
Some of y'all just don't
Understand what it do for us.
Like, some of y'all ladies think
It's a p*ssy replacement.
Head ain't no p*ssy replacement.
I think I speak for all real
n*gg*s when I say
There is no such thing
As a p*ssy replacement.
p*ssy is at the top of the list,
But head is important, too.
See, p*ssy is like an oven
In the kitchen.
It's the best sh*t ever.
You can put a ham in it,
And some biscuits,
And some vegetables,
And in an hour and 35 minutes,
You could have
A home-cooked meal.
Everybody want
A home-cooked meal.
But head is like a microwave.
Sometimes a n*gga ain't got
An hour and 35 minutes
To be f*cking with your ass.
Sometimes a n*gga need
A hot pocket right now, bitch.
Just bing!
Thank you.
30 Seconds.
Bing!
Thank you.
Just saying, ladies, if you
Don't suck your man's d*ck,
There is a raggedy bitch
Who will,
And we've got
The bitch's number.
Handle your m*therf*cking
Business.
Just saying.
We got to --
Life is crazy.
Work on yourself.
Stop worrying so much about what
People think about you,
And figure out what the f*ck you
Think about you.
That's the most important sh*t.
Ladies, ladies, you can learn
That from n*gg*s.
As n*gg*s,
We get over ourself quick.
Like, if a n*gga got a flaw,
Especially if it's physical,
We get over it quick,
Like, at 13.
We get past the sh*t.
Like, "n*gga, I think
I got a big nose.
Yep, it's a big nose."
That's it.
Ladies, y'all be
Worried about it,
Trying to change who the
f*ck you are.
Don't be doing that sh*t.
You've got to be happy about
Whoever the f*ck you are.
If you a big woman, just be
A big, fly-ass, fine-ass,
Rich woman, and let that be it.
Stop trying to be a skinny bitch
All your life.
It may not be for you.
You don't believe me?
Look at star jones'
m*therf*cking ass.
She did the surgery
To lose all the weight.
They didn't tell her they
Couldn't take the fat out
Of her m*therf*cking head,
So now she walking around
With a rottweiler head
On a doberman pinscher body,
Trying to be cute.
That bitch fell off the view.
Just...
Should have been f*cking happy.
Life too short for you to be
That hard on your
m*therf*cking self.
If you f*cking with me,
I'm gonna make you
Feel good about it.
I don't give a f*ck if
You've got stretch marks.
I'm gonna tell you while I'm
f*cking you how much I like it.
"Just don't you even worry about
That, baby.
You look like a tiger.
I love tigers.
I really do.
That's why I be growling
At you sometimes."
Just [growls].
♪ Show 'em you're a tiger ♪
♪ Show 'em what you can do ♪
They're great!
Just saying, ladies.
Got to work.
n*gg*s, we got so much work
To f*cking do.
[ Women shouting ]
It ain't even funny --
Shut up, ladies!
m*therf*ckers couldn't wait.
"Yep, it's they turn."
Fellas, look.
We got to start taking some
Responsibility for some sh*t.
Most of us in here got
A crazy-ass baby mama,
Me included, and we love telling
People how Ret*rded
This m*therf*cker is,
We can't wait to tell the story.
"This ignorant, stupid bitch."
We can't wait to tell somebody
That story.
We need to understand
We was the one that was
f*cking that crazy bitch.
That was us f*cking
That crazy bitch.
We've got to stop f*cking
Crazy b*tches.
We knew she was crazy
When we were f*cking her.
The bitch was hollering out sh*t
When we was f*cking her.
Just, "banana cream pie!"
What?
You didn't even
Stop f*cking her.
You're just,
"What did that bitch say?"
Now, you done f*cked around
And had a baby
By banana cream pie,
And now you mad, sh*t.
You've got to stop doing it,
Fellas.
I ain't saying stop
How much you're f*cking.
I'm just saying you've got to
Start f*cking a better quality
Of woman, but we can be
Distracted by the fat ass.
The woman with the fat ass
Distract a n*gga.
We can't. We be in
The club like a pack of
Hyenas seeing a fat ass.
We just...
Meanwhile, we done passed all
The good women to get to this
Worthless, fat-ass bitch.
She ain't never done nothing
With her m*therf*cking life.
Nothing.
She ain't got no conversation,
No education, she ain't
Taking care of her kids.
She got cornrows in her hair.
The baby got corn in his hair.
This worthless bitch.
I'm telling you,
You've got to stay away
From them crazy b*tches.
Do some homework.
Next time you go in the club
And you get ready to take
A woman home --
You done bought her six
Or seven drinks and sh*t,
Look like she ready to leave --
Right before you take her
Out the club, go in the
Bathroom, shut the stall,
And jack off.
As soon as you jack off,
Come back out and see if
You still talking to that bitch
The same way you was just
Talking to her.
It might scare your
m*therf*cking ass.
You just, "bitch, you owe me $7.
What the f*ck was
I thinking about?
n*gga, that's banana cream pie.
What the f*ck?"
I got to -- I got to do this.
I got to do this public service
Announcement.
This is for a certain group of
n*gg*s that's in here tonight.
Real n*gg*s, generally
Don't even talk to 'em.
I need to speak to all the bitch
n*gg*s in attendance tonight.
If you would please listen.
Uh, bitch n*gg*s, if I could
Have your attention.
Thank you.
We know y'all are in here.
Every time there's
A bunch of real n*gg*s,
There's a bunch of
Bitch n*gg*s that come
Trying to see what
The f*ck going on.
So let me talk to you for
A second, bitch n*gg*s.
I know the real n*gg*s are
Probably just wondering like,
"Why would you even
Talk to them?"
But before we go to w*r with
Y'all for another year,
I want to let you know you
Don't have to be a bitch n*gga
All your life, okay?
You don't.
After this show, you can get
One of these real n*gg*s
In attendance today
And let him tutor you
On mondays, wednesdays,
And fridays
Until you get some of that
Bitch out your system.
I'm trying to save your life,
Bitch n*gga, please.
I'm gonna try to help
Bitch n*gg*s.
Look, we was talking about
Relationships,
And I know a lot of you bitch
n*gg*s is in relationships, too,
And I'm trying to help
Your relationship, too.
Listen to me,
Bitch n*gg*s, listen.
If you are in a relationship
With a woman, bitch n*gga,
And you don't want nobody else
f*cking her but you,
I would suggest
That you start f*cking
The dog sh*t out
Of your own woman.
Let me just say it again,
'Cause bitch n*gg*s are slow.
Please listen.
If you are in a relationship
With a woman,
And you don't want nobody
f*cking her but you,
Bitch n*gga, I would suggest
You start f*cking the dog sh*t
Out of your own woman.
I think I speak for all
Real n*gg*s when I say
This is the final year that
We're gonna allow you
To send your women out
To the club, they all depressed,
Ain't got no money in their
Pocket, can't get a drink,
And then they f*ck around
And meet a real n*gga,
We f*ck the dog sh*t out of her
And send her back to your house
Happy and sh*t, and you
Ungrateful m*therf*ckers
Won't even send a n*gga
A christmas card or nothing.
Won't buy n*gg*s a sh*t of
Hennessy or nothing.
You disrespectful bastards.
Go f*ck the dog sh*t out
Your own woman.
We are tired of having to go all
The way across chicago
To fix your raggedy-ass family
For no thanks.
So listen to me, bitch n*gg*s.
Take notes if you need to.
I'm gonna try to help your
Relationship if I can.
First thing you need
To understand, bitch n*gga,
This is not 1996, so you need
To stop with that whole,
"I'm gonna get mine, I hope you
Get yours," sh*t, n*gga.
You need to watch a p*rn.
These n*gg*s is putting b*tches
In pretzel shapes,
And they like it, n*gga,
It's a new g*dd*mn day.
You need to go to the nasty
Store and see what these women
Can get for $19.95.
They don't even need a bitch
n*gga no m*therf*cking more.
They got sh*t that'll f*ck 'em
And put an earpiece in their ear
And say good sh*t to 'em.
Just, "you the only one
In my life.
I love you so much.
I'm gonna give you
My whole check.
Did you lose weight?
God damn you look good
In them jeans."
Time to stop playing with these
Women in 2007, bitch n*gg*s.
First thing you need to
Understand, bitch n*gg*s,
If you're on the way to your
Woman's house, the first thing
You need to do before you even
See her is jack off.
Now, I know the bitch n*gga
Thinking,
"Why would I jack off
Before I get some p*ssy?"
It's that type of thinking that
Makes you a bitch n*gga.
You shut the f*ck up and listen
To me while I'm trying to help,
You raggedy m*therf*cker.
You got to get that first nut
Out the way.
I think I speak for all
Real n*gg*s when I say
That first nut
Has a mind of its own.
You cannot trust that
m*therf*cker.
The first nut will betray you
Any chance it get.
You be thinking you k*lling it.
Just, "I am knocking the sh*t
Out of this --
Oh, hell no.
I don't believe this sh*t."
Now, you got to play it off.
Just, "you are not ready yet.
You are not ready yet.
I'm gonna eat your p*ssy again.
You are not ready for this."
Look at all the ladies.
"Is that was he was doing?"
Yes, boo-boo.
If a n*gga eats your p*ssy
Twice in five minutes,
There was an error, bitch.
Start from the beginning.
Start from the beginning.
Reset.
So you've got to get that first
Nut out the way, bitch n*gga.
Get it out the way.
I think I speak for all
Real n*gg*s when I say
There is nothing more powerful
Than arriving
At your woman's house
Already on nut number two.
You won't be bullshitting
On nut number two.
You just come in,
"Just go on and lay down.
Go on and lay down.
You might want to wrap your hair
Up this evening.
Might want to wrap it up."
Now, listen to me carefully if
You would, bitch n*gg*s.
Once you put on your condom
And you are safely inside,
The only word that needs
To be in your brain is
"Concentration."
You don't have time to be
Looking in her eyes
And caressing her softly
And smelling that
Raspberry sh*t she got
From bed, bath, and beyond.
You need to be looking at
Everything in her house but her.
Just keep your focus.
Just...
Sing little songs to yourself
Off-key, so you keep your focus.
Just...
♪ A, b, c, d, e, f, g ♪
Now, remember, bitch n*gga,
If you feel it
Starting to slip away,
If you feel that little tingle,
Don't be ashamed to get
Out the p*ssy
And get yourself together.
This is a one-man sport.
You make all the rules.
If you feel it slipping away,
Get out and get yourself
Together.
Just...
♪ A, b, c, d -- ♪
My bad.
♪ E, f, g, h, I ♪
Now, when you're hitting it
Correctly, bitch n*gga,
I know you want to know
How you're doing,
And you think all you got to do
Is just listen to her,
And she'll let you know
How you're doing, but that's --
You a bitch n*gga.
See, you don't understand.
These women love
The sh*t out of us, n*gga,
And they will say nice things
To us in bed
So we'll think we the sh*t.
You can't believe what
The f*ck she's saying.
She'll lie right there.
"Oh, daddy.
Yeah, yeah, daddy.
It's all in there, daddy.
I got to pee."
Shut up.
You want to know how you doing?
n*gga, watch her body.
f*ck what she say.
Watch her body.
If you look at her stomach
And it look flat,
You ain't done sh*t, n*gga.
It need to look like
She drinking
12 Gallons of water
At the same time.
Just...
[Panting]
Look at her hands.
If her hands look like this,
You ain't done sh*t.
You need her to be throwing up
g*ng signs that don't exist.
Now, I know, 'cause I've been
Moving so fast, bitch n*gga,
I haven't had a lot of time
To cover some of the details.
Like, I ain't had time to talk
About eating p*ssy,
And I know you probably
Sitting there thinking
That means you
Don't have to do it,
But it's that type of
Thinking right there
That qualifies you to be a bitch
n*gga in the first place.
See, real n*gg*s know some sh*t
Bitch n*gg*s
Have never, ever found out.
Ooh, it's so quiet, you can hear
A bitch n*gga drop.
Paying atten--
Them n*gg*s listening.
Real n*gg*s know we are not
Eating the p*ssy for you.
[ Chuckles ]
No, silly girl.
No, boo-boo.
I'm eating the p*ssy for me.
See, I already ate the p*ssy.
I know for a fact you already
Came twice.
I felt you when you
Clenched up on a n*gga
And damn near decapitated me.
Now, I got the rare opportunity
Of surprising you with the d*ck.
You forgot all about the d*ck.
You just --
"You brought d*ck, too?
Girl, this n*gga
Brought d*ck, too."
Now, listen to me carefully if
You would, bitch n*gga.
Once you have been doing it
Correctly
For, like, 24 and 3/4 minutes,
You are gonna start to feel
A pain in your side
Like you've been exercising.
Now, I know that this is
Ordinarily where bitch n*gg*s
Just go on and call it a day,
But if you can manage
To f*ck through the pain,
Just f*ck through the pain --
'Cause she don't know
You're in pain.
She's thinking you're doing
Some special sh*t
And trying to hit it
From the side,
So just hit through the pain.
'Cause 12 minutes after that,
Your body is gonna go
Into autopilot, and any real
n*gga in here
Who do some f*cking will
Tell you there is nothing
More wonderful than feeling your
Body go into autopilot.
'Cause now you've got time to
Have fun with her.
You've got time to do stupid
sh*t like look at your own d*ck.
Now, look around at the confused
Look on the bitch n*gg*s' face.
Just look at 'em.
Just, "look at your own d*ck?"
Yes, n*gga.
I think I speak for all real
n*gg*s when I say
There's nothing more wonderful
Than looking at your own d*ck.
You just all in her.
Just...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Some of you n*gg*s
Can't do it no way,
'Cause you got to be so
Close on the p*ssy.
You just...
Y'all have been all that.
I've been katt.
Thank you, chicago.
I appreciate you, m*therf*ckers.
For really though.
♪ Hustle -- hustlin',
Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin',
Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
Hold up, hold up.
Don't go nowhere yet.
It ain't over though.
It ain't over.
It ain't over with.
We've got a special, special,
Special treat.
We're doing something special
Right now.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm so f*cking happy,
I don't know what to do.
Look, you've got to do something
Right by chicago, n*gga.
Real n*gg*s know.
Yeah, real n*gg*s know.
So me and this young lady was
Talking about the fact
That we be thinking these
Rappers is rich,
And some of them be platinum and
Broke at the same g*dd*mn time.
Them n*gg*s be in rental cars
Needing to borrow $11,
So we just wrote a song called
"Y'all n*gg*s ain't winning,
Y'all n*gg*s ain't spinning,
Y'all n*gg*s ain't
Getting that bread,
Y'all n*gg*s keep fronting,
Y'all n*gg*s ain't got nothing,
Y'all ain't getting no head."
And it go a little something
Like this -- go on and hit it.
♪ Y'all n*gg*s ain't spinning,
Y'all n*gg*s ain't winning ♪
♪ Y'all n*gg*s ain't
Getting that bread ♪
Ladies and gentlemen...
All the way from chicago...
Who? Who?
-Give it up for da brat!
-Whoo!
♪ Fall back, it's a fact,
I'm the sh*t ♪
♪ Me and katt got a hit,
Hit track in the chi ♪
♪ Got a 'lac 212,
Got a rack in the trunk ♪
♪ Got a mac for you punks,
Wanna act? ♪
♪ Get jumped,
Get jumped at your address ♪
♪ As I address you broke n*gg*s
With no assets ♪
♪ Took you for your stash
And your pissy mattress ♪
♪ You ain't really got sh*t,
But you a good actress ♪
♪ Never underestimate
A 5'5" from the west side ♪
♪ Stick in the back, now I've
Done told you three times ♪
♪ I'm built for this sh*t
Like a peterbilt truck ♪
♪ I've got an 18-wheeler
To transport my stuff ♪
♪ You ain't got a loud d*ck
Or loud your bitch ♪
♪ You ain't gotta
Impress a m*therf*cker ♪
♪ To show that you're rich ♪
♪ I'm the sh*t, n*gga,
Been there, go and drop 20 ♪
♪ Book a show from it,
Front like you've got money ♪
♪ Spend that ♪
♪ Y'all n*gg*s ain't spinning,
Y'all n*gg*s ain't winning ♪
♪ Y'all n*gg*s ain't
Getting that bread ♪
♪ Y'all n*gg*s keep fronting ♪
♪ Y'all n*gg*s ain't
Got nothing ♪
♪ Y'all ain't getting no head ♪
♪ I know you walk
Like pimpin' ♪
♪ Talk like pimpin' ♪
♪ But think where you'd be
If you thought like pimpin' ♪
♪ Wake up in a pimp bed
Tucked in a pimp color ♪
♪ Pimp pillow on my pimp perm,
I'm a pimp brother ♪
♪ I put these pimp feet
In my pimp shoes ♪
♪ Walk down the pimp driveway,
Grab the pimp news ♪
♪ Walk in a pimp house,
Make me some pimp coffee ♪
♪ Think what I got to do today,
Get the haters off me ♪
♪ I'm pimpin', pimpin',
You playing, player ♪
♪ You captain saver,
I'm captain made-her ♪
♪ You quasi-pimpin',
You semi-pimpin' ♪
♪ I'm flying down the highway,
Hear me pimpin' ♪
♪ You rarely pimpin',
You hardly pimpin' ♪
♪ You barely pimpin',
You tiny pimpin' ♪
♪ 5'5" From the west side ♪
Y'all give it up for da brat
In the m*therf*cking bitch.
Yeah, chi town!
♪ Y'all n*gg*s ain't spinning,
Y'all n*gg*s ain't winning ♪
♪ Y'all n*gg*s ain't
Getting that bread ♪
What you gonna do when you
Get home, katt?
Play with all 15 of them kids?
[Laughs]
I'm gonna play with
15 Girls first.
Then I'm gonna play
With the 15 kids,
But what I ain't gonna do
Is drive anywhere.
I'm not even gonna walk fast.
[ Laughs ]
I just want to cook my own
Meal for myself.
You know, nothing fancy.
Just something I can eat.
Yeah.
I'm gonna sleep
Like a m*therf*cker.
Luenell, what you gonna do, hmm?
Luenell?
Ooh, just a little bit further.
Come on, sugar.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, baby.
How you doing?
Take a deep breath.
Come on, partner.
Hmm, luenell?
Aww.
♪ It's american hustle ♪
♪ n*gg*s stay alive ♪
♪ We don't ever die ♪
♪ We just multiply ♪
[ Sniffles ]
[ Exhales ]
Yes. Yes.
Yes! Yes!
That is what I'm talking about.
-Oh.
-You feeling me?
Hell, yeah.
Hell, yeah, I'm feeling you.
That sh*t was tight,
Know what I mean?
Yes.
That's what I'm talking
About, man.
Did I make my point?
Hey, you made every point
In the book.
-It was better than 1.
-What was your favorite joke?
Man, the favorite --
My favorite joke, me?
-Yeah.
-The one where you was --
Where you was, like, white --
When you're saying
White people was crazy.
[ Laughs ]
You know what I'm saying?
And black people was crazy, too.
That white and black people
Crazy.
That sh*t was --
Believe, I know it.
-Jeremy piven?
-Jeremy piven.
His set was -- his --
[Stammers]
Um, his set was crazy.
It was funny as hell.
You know what I'm saying?
I know he went before you,
But his set was good, too.
All the way, I enjoyed it.
It was good.
You went to sleep.
Okay, I was resting my eyes
For a minute.
You were resting your eyes
For a minute.
You awake now?
Okay, all right.
Let's just watch the movie again
'Cause there's some parts
I'm not clear on.
We ain't got to --
We don't have to do that.
We don't got to --
We don't have to watch it again.
Please, don't do that.
You getting real hollywood,
You know that?
Come on, man.
No, you've always
Been like this.
-Okay, here we go.
-Chicago!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Get your m*therf*cking
Mind right.
Hey, yo, katt.
Kick this sh*t off now.
Put some pimpin' on it now.
Come on.
♪ I guess you can kind
Of tell by the way ♪
♪ My necklace blindin'
That we ain't play pimpin' ♪
♪ Ain't reckless
About our grindin' ♪
♪ Can't stop the truck,
So what the f*ck ♪
♪ Slow down, you climb in ♪
♪ Riding around with my head
Laid down and -- ♪
Whoo!
♪ You and your girlfriend
Can hit me on my sidekick ♪
♪ Daddy needs his money, baby,
Y'all go out and find it ♪
♪ Them n*gg*s phone pimpin',
This here is grown pimpin' ♪
♪ All alone and I'm
In the zone 'cause this
Is on-my-own pimpin' ♪
♪ Pocket full of mean green,
Hair smell like pantene ♪
♪ Crystalline in my
New jeans ♪
♪ Always keep my hands clean,
Ladies call me sho 'nuff ♪
♪ n*gg*s call me sho' dough ♪
♪ It don't matter
What they say ♪
♪ They'll never call me
Broke ho ♪
♪ I make that funny money,
Laugh, live, and love money ♪
♪ That pimpin' thug money,
Double it up like drug money ♪
♪ You work for p*ssy pimpin',
I work for... ♪
Chicago! Everybody, get on your
m*therf*cking feet!
Let's groove, y'all!
Come on.
♪ Get your mind right,
Get your mind right ♪
♪ Get your mind right,
Get your mind right ♪
No, no.
No, captain, no.
Please, don't take this away
From me.
This is my bust.
I was working on
Getting the evidence
When you first called me.
I'm on my way there.
I'll be there.
Why did I have this in my ear?
This is not a phone.
It's a walkie-talkie.
Come on, sit up.
Now, stay, stay.
Don't talk to luenell
Like that.
-[ Laughs ]
-Give me a treat.
Give luenell a treat.
I need a m*therf*cking treat
If you want me to sit up.
Okay.
-If allen iverson...
-[ Laughs ]
Listen to me.
[ Laughter ]
♪ You just a small fry ♪
♪ n*gga, I'm the big mac ♪
I'm stuck.
One more time.
Lean a little bit closer to
The camera and say that again.
No, but for real.
I'm stuck.
[ Laughs ]
No, for real though.
I'm stuck.
Katt!
Men of sparta!
[Coughs]
[ Laughter ]
Just keep going, katt.
You've got to remember,
She live in inglewood.
You scared the sh*t out of her,
And she in the car
And your arm come through.
She almost bit you.
She thought it was a carjacking.
[ Laughter ]
Open that up and clap it, katt.
Open the whole thing up
And clap it.
All right, right there is good?
And...
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle --
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Hustlin', hustle -- hustlin'
Hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm --
Every day I'm -- ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm --
Every day I'm -- ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Who the f*ck you think
You're f*cking with? ♪
♪ I'm the f*cking boss ♪
Long, hairy crayon.
[ Laughter ]
That pink thing
Ain't coming out, is it?
-Lipstick d*ck.
-Lipstick.
They saying you got
A ding-a-ling clit.
-Old crayola d*ck.
-A ding-a-ling clit.
-Oh, please no.
-A ding-a-ling clit?
I want to suck
Your vag*na penis.
[ Laughter ]
You've also seen him
In the movie
With eddie murphy called
Norbit.
You've also seen him in his own
Hbo special, pimp chronicles 1.
-[ Cheers ]
-And tonight, here to do
The pimp chronicles 2,
Co-starring katt williams.
-Mike epps!
-Ha!
[ Laughter ]
I'll whisper in his ear.
I'm not gonna imply that I'm
Sucking a dog d*ck though.
Well, just whisper in his ear
That you might suck his d*ck.
Well, I might talk like I'ma
Suck his d*ck,
But I'm not gonna come up --
-Well, do it in his ear.
-I already kissed an old man.
What the f*ck?
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day
I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm hustlin' ♪
♪ Every day I'm --
Every day I'm -- ♪
♪ We never steal cars,
But we deal hard ♪
♪ Whip it real hard, whip it ♪
Are we there yet?
Yep, we have arrived at...
The end.
Katt Williams: American Hustle (2007)
Moderator: Maskath3