[Music]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
Oh getting chills looking looking
looking thank you guys so much for
packing out this place tonight and I
know how the question has already been
asked why did Gabriel decide to sh**t
his new special in Hawaii the question
should be what took him so long
so the one thing I want to definitely
make sure that happens here tonight is
that I'm gonna make sure that not only
the people in the room here tonight that
are not natives of Hawaii but the people
around the world find out things about
Hawaii you never need first things first
the proper pronunciation is Hawaii
just so the world gets to hear it right
at least once and believe me I
understand exactly how you feel
I totally get it for me it's not Mexico
it's Mexico I want you
whenever people come to the island you
know there's certain things people like
to do aside from the surfing or you know
the hiking or the you know the
traditional things people always see the
the movies and the one thing that always
stands out is the luau people always see
the law you always see the guy with the
fire you know he comes out and he makes
a stance on you
and I'm sitting but that looks cool I
want to let you guys know how you can
tell if you're about to have a real
genuine experience versus some of the
more diluted things that have happened
here on the island let me explain if
you're gonna go for a luau make sure you
do some research okay don't just go to
Amy Lua I'm gonna tell you how you can
tell if you're on a bad line there's
always a bus involved that takes you
from the hotel to the luau that's a
given
when you get on the bus there's a driver
and there's always the person that's the
host if the host gets on the bus and you
hear this welcome aboard the King
Kamehameha luau
experience
my name is Reagan I am NOT a native of
Hawaii I'm actually from Oregon but I
have been living here now for three
weeks and you only need a few days and
you're basically a native we're gonna
have such a great time it's gonna take
us exactly 35 minutes to get from here
to our destination I've timed it all
week don't even worry about it this is
our driver his name is taka taka has
been here on the island for over 75
years he is so hardcore he has taking a
liking to me he says I remind him of his
daughter he's so sweet he calls me his
little punani he
[Applause]
so I have gone online to do some
research to find out the type of
conditions we're gonna have today and
there is a slight chance of rain excuse
me yes sir what happens if it rains you
have nothing to worry about I took the
liberty of stopping off in an ABC store
and purchasing some umbrellas and some
Poncho's so we're covered scuse me
yes sir are we gonna stop somewhere to
get something to eat maybe or get some
some film absolutely you have nothing to
worry about it's gonna be the best time
ever stay away from that door this is
how you know when you're on a real low
experience the driver you know is there
the bus and then the guy gets on and you
hear this
[Music]
all right everybody I'd like to welcome
your bodies we're going to Jermaine's
luau okay my name is Reno you could call
me cousin Reno
I know but don't worry I'm not your real
cousin so don't ask for money right yeah
anyway we're gonna have a really good
time today it's gonna be a great day
here on the island it's going to be
beautiful excuse me yes sir how long is
it gonna take for us to get to the luau
actually brother he's good we're going
to get there Hawaiian time
what is Hawaiian time mean it means we
get that when we get there
pardon me I have another question yes up
I understand it's gonna rain today what
happens if it rains ha oh you're gonna
get wet
scuse me scuse me yeah are we gonna stop
store to get something to eat or get
some film hey Syd Alma hole
are you talking to me hey Mary I'm
talking you abroad I said oh if for the
rest of the bus is wondering what MA who
is it means he really likes coconuts
yeah
first things first the best luau to go
on and they don't pay me to tell you
this I've been coming to the island for
ten years but my favorite place to visit
is Jermaine's lo if you ever get a
chance they don't pay me to tell you
that and for the record there is such a
person as cousin Rina that's my man here
in the front row stand up front up the
man the myth the legend Thank You Man
thank you what time and many you know
coming here year after year and talking
to people certain words I've picked up
certain things I've learned I finally
figured out what sh**t means anyone
that gets to come here to the island
you'll hear people saying that sh**t
and I found it it means yes because
Mexicans we have our own slang words to
have you heard me which is a term of
excitement it's also it's like sh**t
means yes but you shouldn't heard the
conversation I had this guy was trying
to explain it to me I go I keep hearing
people say sh**t what's going on ok
brother let me break it down for you
alright sh**t is is like saying yes oh
ok cool alright so let me see um so if
somebody says you want to go to the
store and I say shoes Roger that
Roger dat
what does that mean it means yes
so sh**t means yes and Roger that means
yes Roger that
how would you mean is there one that you
use for one thing versus one that used
for another can you give me an example
no problem brother check it out
somebody tell me a bra you want to go
get a drink sh**t hey bra you won't go
to tee ball Roger dad
I got it I got it I got it I got it I
figured it out and by the way for all
the people here on the island tonight
that are not native who are extremely
light complected basic for the white
people um I just want to let you know
when you're here in Hawaii if you hear
this word haole
they're talking about you
[Applause]
Howley is the word to describe white
people and it's not derogatory I've
asked questions and it's not it's just
that you know and that's one guy's weird
it haole come from you know one guy said
well bro I think many years ago so why
people come here right they got drunk
and they start yelling you say somebody
need to take down that Holly right there
it's stuck
trying to figure out how they alright
but anyways you guys we've been
traveling so many places we've probably
been in about 14 countries in the last
two months
we're like herpes we go everywhere twice
a year anyway I know right you guys are
so close by like a vice slip that's it
his show was in 3d but it hurt terrible
so I'm gonna tell you when we first
kicked off our world tour we started in
we started in Singapore and for me that
kind of threw me off because just to let
you guys know they do speak English in
Singapore it's actually the number one
language spoken and I didn't know that
and some people are like well why would
you go to Singapore to perform if he
didn't know whether or not they
understood you because the check was fat
[Applause]
and I'm a little whore
[Applause]
so yeah the only thing was Singapore is
that Singapore the rules over there are
very strict like many years ago an
American went over there and he was
graffiti on a wall okay he tagged up a
wall and they got him and they don't
give out tickets in Singapore the
penalty for that was they pulled him
aside took off his shirt and they came
to him with a stick and there's no set
number like oh your graffiti a wall with
two letters that's four licks no the guy
hits you until he feels you've learned a
lesson
yeah that's hardcore if you're caught
smuggling dr*gs into Singapore the
penalty is death which makes somebody
like myself nervous when you travel with
the people that you travel with
forget mom
and you know it's crazy because they
play a video when you're going through
customs as you're going through customs
they play a video to let you know where
you're about to go into and it starts
off really nice
it starts off sweet it's like noon
welcome to Singapore Singapore very
beautiful country very nice a country
very clean the country if you're caught
of smuggling dr*gs into our country over
you PM you are doing Gangnam style
and k*ll you
enjoy singapore from singapore we got to
go up to London England to do some shows
and it was pretty cool over there
obviously they spoke English the only
issues that I had in London England or
that over there they drive on the
opposite side of the street and that is
very you know that's that's kind of
challenging for tourists because when
you're crossing a street you're
automatically conditioned to come out
look left look right look left again and
then you cross and so when you're there
you have to retrain yourself because
you'll come out and you think you're
cool
look there's no cars coming let's go
every other block is like the movie
final destination you don't I mean and
over there they got double-decker buses
those suckers are heavy you get hit by
one of those at 30 miles an hour at
least if you get hit by a bus here on
the island you have so much of a chance
first of all nobody's in a hurry you can
hit by a bus here hey brah walk it off
you okay sh**t all right
[Applause]
I've been to the news station here I've
been on the news many times and they're
always people always step off the curb
they're not paying attention they're
looking at the buildings or they're
taking pictures and you know her you
know and they report them you know a man
was struck by a bus here today his leg
was broken
doctors say he will be okay London
England getting hit by a double-decker
bus going 30 a man exploded today when
he was struck by a double-decker bus we
have video footage
[Music]
some of the places were planning on
performing this next year we're talking
about going to Germany we're talking
about going to Bulgaria and India
India's on the list of new places we're
gonna visit and I'm excited about India
you know and I was telling people in
England that we're going to Inge you
know to India I had Indian people
telling me hello there that's gonna be
amazing when you go there you can enjoy
it you're gonna love it it's amazing and
I just stare and the guy goes why are
you staring I go cause your voice
doesn't match oh you think we all sound
like I'm sorry I live in America Indians
over there keep it real yeah and I have
nothing but love and respect for Indian
people I'm gonna tell you something
right now
Indian people in the United States are
the hardest-working people I have ever
seen and that's coming from a Mexican
okay and I'll tell you why I say this
you will never see an Indian person with
a sign that says will work for food in
the United States and you will never see
an Indian person committing a crazy
crime like when was the last time you
heard of Indians robbing a bank
but everybody huh I can't remember bro
because it doesn't happen first of all
Indian people are so nice and they're so
sweet and I can't see it you know you're
gonna rob a bank you need Authority you
need to come in there g*ns blazing I
said get your ass on the ground yeah I
can't imagine would you please take the
money
[Applause]
I am talking to you forget this I might
appear I don't need this
he gets in the car his partner is
waiting for him did you get the money
they would not give me the money did you
show them the g*n I sh*t we better leave
they're going to call the police they're
still laughing what did you get the
computer they thought I was take support
there's too much fun man all these
different countries all these different
places we've been going and honestly you
guys it's not possible without the love
and the support of my family they made
that possible cuz I can't just go take
off you know you really seriously you
know she's gonna leave it takes a strong
woman first of all to put up with me and
that's naughty oh you're gonna go travel
the world with this crazy guy named my
tepee who's got tattoos and issues have
fun oh it's not easy you guys like I
said it takes a lot of love and support
from my family and right now it's a
crazy time because my son is 15 okay
some of you know I have a son from my
last special I talked about how I became
a dad and um because he's technically my
stepson and the only reason I'm saying
that is because he's been in my life for
eight years and he's 15 so I don't want
you to look at me and the math is all
wrong and you're like he's get out I'm
not getting I just hooked up with a
beautiful woman who had a pre started
family which is why the math is off
basically I took over Alise is what
happened and everything's been going
great but when he turned 15 it started
changing like he no longer talks to me
which is crazy not to say that he
doesn't see meaning not he just doesn't
talk and I thought it was personal and
his mom is like no he's going through a
face like he doesn't speak he makes
sounds Frankie how's your day did you
take out the trash Wow
like the only person he talks to is at
the other end of his phone cuz that's
all he does all day just text text text
text and it's funny because he's always
like this texting and when he walks
around he takes little steps so that in
case he bumps into something it doesn't
hurt like he's thick like a little
vacuum you know yeah
and when he's taking these little steps
he makes these sounds and his tongue
comes out half way it looks freaky like
he's trying to text with it
and asked his mom is he okay he's going
through a phase and I could totally
understand my son standing in the corner
for 15 minutes at his time with his
tongue out making noises if he was a
special circumstance but he's not okay
if he was I'd hug him and love him the
same but he's not he's a straight-a
student in his school he's at the top of
the list in his class as one of the
smartest kids and it's no no no you know
why you know why because on paper it
says he's a genius but at home it
doesn't match
and don't get me wrong you guys I
believe that good grades are important
okay but you would think with all the
different classes that they offer in
school how come they don't have a class
called common sense here I mean make it
the easiest class they have ever taken
make it so easy that it's the exact same
class every single day they don't pay
attention anyway make it the same hello
class welcome to common sense
let us begin up-down left-right hot/cold
take a shower take a shower take a
shower I don't know what happened when
he turned 15 he forgot how to play with
water oh my god it for me you guys smell
is so important it is so important you
know how many people I meet every single
year
I am so self-conscious I don't want
anyone to smell me that I meet and all
of a sudden have them say fluffy smell
like ass
I know a big guy that's why I do double
the maintenance twice the showers twice
a cologne twice the deodorant twice the
powder if I fart right now this whole
area will smell like cinnamon that's how
I roll
you guys are we looking at each other is
that cinnamon Camilla Cannella
he smells like a Molotov ah yes
what's a malasadas it's a ball of dough
with good stuff in it wrapped in
cinnamon tastes delicious anyway like I
said you guys for me smell is so
important you know and the fact that my
son at fifteen now is his you know he's
his body's becoming an adult even though
you know and I try to tell him and he
always forgets and blah blah blah and it
wasn't until his PE teacher called us up
and told us that what he was doing is
he's leaving his PE shirt in the locker
over the weekend instead of bringing it
home to wash and so that shirt just
Broyles and simmers and those kids uses
and then on Monday when he puts it on
it's all hard and yellow and just you
know nasty and they told us your son is
smelly and I'm like oh hell no I took
his ass to the store and I bought him a
little click on the bottle and I shut up
Frankie look look look look look every
day twice a day that's what you got to
do and every day it's an issue did you
put on deodorant
I went back to the store and I bought
ten more and I came back to the house
and I started strategically placing them
all over the house one in the front door
one at the back door one in the hallway
one in the kitchen so no matter where
he's at
hit it right he hated that because the
neighbors would come over the house and
I'd have to explain why there's
deodorant everywhere like it's a new
type of potpourri and then he starts
hiding the deodorant and then he starts
lying about it and I'm like I'm sorry
but teenagers can't lie they're too
fidgety they're uncoordinated they look
away they stutter they can't focus I
asked them did you put on deodorant mmm
are you sure yeah come here I'm gonna
smell you you don't believe me no that
sucks are you wearing the gel deodorant
that I bought for you all right take
your finger stick it under your armpit
and then pull it out why because if
you're wearing the gel deodorant that I
bought for you when you pull your finger
out of your armpit your fingers gonna be
shiny it's gonna look like you have
lubricant on it
what's that shut up
and then he tells me I'm wearing drag
deodorant oh really
I don't remember buying that and I got
in his face and I said look Frankie you
don't have to lie I'm here to help you
I'm not here to hurt you I said do you
like girls mmm yeah okay good well guess
what they don't like it when you smell
they like it when you smell fresh and
clean you don't have to lie I'm gonna
let this go but if I catch you lying to
me again that's when he freaked me out
and he did this what
in my head I heard are you ready are you
ready let's get it on
[Applause]
and I'm not a violent person bro I'm not
violent but hey it's k*ll or be k*lled
right you know anything seriously you
guys I would never put my hands on my
son and people judge me for that oh you
wouldn't hit your kid you think he's
gonna call the cops I don't care if he
calls the cops I'll call the cops
anyone who's ever seen my specials knows
I've had a few run-ins with law
enforcement damn and because of one joke
where I went to a Krispy Kreme
drive-through are you kidding me
I have become law enforcement's favorite
comedian in the state of California
alone I've done over 50 shows for the
California Highway Patrol Los Angeles
Police Department
Long Beach Police Department where I
live I can call a cop right now to go to
my house and hold down my son while my
girlfriend kicks him that's how
connected I am I'm not worried about him
calling the cops I'm worried about him
calling TMZ that's why I'm afraid oh
yeah TMZ finds out I b*at my son are you
kidding me don't have me on TV the next
day Oh looks like chocolate cake isn't
the only thing he beats up
so I told my girl would happen I said
listen baby he's lying to me and he's
testing up I don't want to have to get
physical with him but I will if I have
to I'm not going anywhere and see my
girlfriend's different my girlfriend
will actually choke him I'm not gonna
lie she's a little ghetto all right I
left town for two weeks to go do some
shows and when I came home it was night
and day they picked me up at the airport
he jumps out of the car and he's holding
the door open like he's valet and I get
in the car
I look at my girl what's going on he
thinks they're still mad at him so he's
being extra good
and the whole drive home he's doing that
little song in the backseat I'm gonna
clean the room I'm gonna check out the
trash I'm gonna walk the dog I'm gonna
do the dishes and when we got home he
did all of it and I was like wow
and then we're passing each other in the
hallway and as we're passing each other
he sticks out his arm bro and he tapped
me and he keeps walking and I go excuse
you anyway whatever oh my let me take
this opportunity to tell you a little
bit about myself I'm a decent person I'm
not great I'm not horrible I'm decent
okay anybody who's ever met me in the
past or will meet me in the future you
know what I'm saying hey I know what's
in my heart I'm a nice person and if I'm
being nice to you and you're mean to me
I'll still be nice but if you're mean to
me a second time I don't care who it is
it could be one of you guys it could be
one of my friends in the back or it
could be the new dependent on my taxes
you mess with me I'm gonna mess with you
back and I'm gonna step it up a notch so
you don't forget everybody's quiet all
the kids are like I don't want to meet
him now let me tell you what happened
next morning I was in my son's room and
I'm standing over his bed it's five
o'clock in the morning and I'm just
watching him sleep I know it look creepy
like the movie
[Applause]
and I'm just thinking what am I gonna do
to get even right and I look over and I
see his alarm clock and I'm like perfect
just so you guys understand it's his job
to wake himself up for school and he
knows if he's late because he didn't set
that clock his mom is gonna have his ass
he's afraid of his mom for a good reason
so I grabbed that clock and I changed
the time from 5:00 a.m. to 7:30
it gets better then I set it off and he
wakes up all scared freaked out
and I started handing him his clothes
here get dressed get your put your coat
he's getting dressed in the dark he
looks like a little drunk children and I
grabbed him and I dragged his ass into
the garage his whole face is oily and
sweaty
he's got rocks and crusts in his eyes he
has a perfect white line going all the
way to the back of its neck as soon as I
get him in the car falls asleep I jump
in and I take him to school we get to
his school the Sun is barely coming out
there is not a kid for miles as soon as
we get by the office I slammed on the
brakes to wake them up anyway Oh Frankie
the bell just rang hurry the last kid
winning you're gonna make it go go hurry
go okay thank you all right I love you
[Music]
it was Sunday
kid mess with you you mess with kid now
I know a lot of you right now are like
oh you went back to get him right that
wasn't the plan he starts calling my
phone
forgetting over look at the phone and
it's a whole picture when he was still
cute you know him I said him to
voicemail I look at the phone and I see
his mom's face sh*t little traitor we're
trying to play it off in the car lo pick
him I can barely hear you back I get
back to the school big old freaking
school with one kid in front of it oh
man you guys he was so pissed off but
I'm gonna tell you something I found
something out that week I found out that
you don't have to yell at a kid to get
your point across you definitely don't
have to hit one all you really have to
do to make sure they never forget the
day that they messed up it's
embarrassing embarrassing a kid is the
biggest w*apon you can have as a parent
that's legal and so much more effective
you guys because I'm gonna tell you
right now between the ages of 10 and 19
it's all about image it's all about do I
have the cool shirt the cool hat the
cool a wristband the cool watch the cool
glasses the cool shoes the cool pants
they want to fit in so bad you mess with
their image at school oh it's mental
it's emotional and depending on what you
did it's physical
why do you think they make such a big
deal about bullying in schools and child
abuse amongst each other because when
kids turn it's not pretty especially if
they have a reason to like finding out
that you got dropped off on Sunday by
your dad because there was a janitor
there working who saw the whole thing go
down and three days is what it took for
word to get out and when those kids
found out it was my son the things they
said to him were so bad that when he
came home he was in tears okay and I'm
not gonna let you guys I felt terrible
for like a second
it was bad though it was I was moved he
came in all hard why did you stay there
[Applause]
put on deodorant
[Applause]
I'm not gonna lie you guys I think deep
down he wishes that I would hit him
because it would be faster but that's
not how I roll
oh no and I gotta give credit to his mom
you guys his mom allows me to be a dad
you know as a stepparent it's not easy
you can't just come in and run things it
takes time
if you come into that house and you
start trying to yell at people and start
trying to know they'll jump all over you
you can't be doing that don't do hey you
tell me what he did I'll handle it you
don't do anything I've been there bro
yeah all right next thing you know
you're in the corner crying when that
kid is supposed to be it's a hazing
process in the beginning it's
everybody's pushing each other's buttons
everybody's testing each other is this
guy really gonna stick around that's
what happens and after eight years hey
my credit is good so my girl backs me up
whenever I make a call she backs me up
don't get me wrong if I make a bad call
she's gonna call me on it okay if I mess
up she's gonna point it out she doesn't
think that all my ideas are good ones
and there's been a few times when I've
messed up as a dad like one night I got
really really drunk on the road with my
team and I don't know what happened I
started drunk texting Frankie I don't
know what it is about me getting drunk
for some reason the phone just and my
girl found out about it and when I got
home I knew something was up because she
called me by my first name
and we're having use first names in
years you know since then it's always
been pet names you know how it goes you
know honey baby Sweetie Suzy has
something to kind of just some of you
got that good ass yes anyway
I walk in the door and I hear Gabriel
and I'm like oh I'm in court and here
she comes out of the back I understand
when you're out there you're gonna do
what you're gonna do you want to get
drunk fine get drunk you want to text me
while you're drunk fine text me while
you're drunk
do not ever drunk text my son again how
do you know it was drunk
really Frankie come here bring your
phone look at this message that came in
at 4:17 a.m. put on deodorant fucker
that's a nickname I gotta give her
credit
anytime I mess up she is very creative
on how she approaches me like the latest
thing that she does is she no longer
wants to deal with me face to face what
she does is she will find one of the
three dogs that we have in the house and
she will start carrying a full-blown
conversation with the dog telling the
dog what I'm doing wrong as a man you
have to understand how demeaning this is
to me okay I own chihuahuas and you mean
to tell me two pounds of Terror is gonna
take over me no no no and I'll tell you
what happened you guys I was actually
innocent
I was actually innocent I didn't do
anything bad but it looked bad I had
three shows one night and after the
third show I was exhausted so I go in
the back to lay down for a little bit
and I fell asleep and I woke up and it
was four hours later and I reached down
and I pull out my phone my phone was
still in my pocket and it was in silent
mode and I looked at the screen and the
screen said 27 missed calls from I
wonder who
[Music]
there is not a text in the world that's
gonna fix that there's not a phone call
that I'm gonna make it 4 o'clock in the
morning that's gonna make this better
I'm screwed no matter what so I shut off
my phone all the girls are like that's
what you really messed up I know I
didn't know you could die twice
apparently you can't so I come home you
guys and I'm innocent so I'm not showing
up at the front door with flowers or
trying to be rude no no I know I'm good
so I show up confident I walk in I said
baby let me just explain what happened
to me this weekend before you say
anything and then she starts oh look
who's here Bruno look who's here
daddy's home now daddy wants to talk to
us funny talk to Bruno
let me explain he thinks were playing
huh
really you're not gonna talk to me
you're gonna talk to the dog somebody's
getting frustrated huh kind of like we
were frustrated when he didn't pick up
his phone yes dude dude
she will not look at me she will not
talk to me she continues to do this for
doing it Bruno
[Music]
now she thinks I'm making fun of her are
you mocking me now I'm pissed off
because now she's screaming in my face
so then I was like all cheap things were
mocking her hopparoo no mommy shouldn't
have played this game because we can
play it better huh yeah cuz I can make
you talk back to me huh Tom Bow Wow yes
I can because you love me more a la
valeur mommy's crazy huh los is a bust
come on
and that started a whole different
argument my god you guys and I don't
want you thinking that my girlfriend's a
bad person she's an amazing woman
the fact that I only have seven stories
about her in eight years says a lot you
know don't get me wrong five of them
happened this year but that's still way
below the bar here and I'm saying and I
get questions I get questions about her
because you know in the past I've done
specials and I've talked about other
people in my life I've talked about my
mom I've talked about my dad I've talked
about my sister's my brother I've talked
about Frankie but I've never really
talked about my girl and so I get people
that ask me you know we want to know a
little bit more first question that
everybody always ask is is your
girlfriend fluffy too and no she's not
she's a little bit curvy but she's not
fluffy and it's not to say that I have
anything against big women most of my
ex-girlfriends were really big girls
when we would hug it was like arms and
pillows oh yeah it was at tempur-pedic
love your nose and it was hardcore like
we would hug really really hard and then
let go and then our body would come back
to normal
another question that people ask is is
your girlfriend also Mexican you know as
your girlfriend Mexican and yes she is
but that doesn't mean anything because I
have dated the rainbow okay that's just
where it landed which is where I landed
all right you know uh I think the crazy
part with my girl is that she doesn't
have traditional Mexican features all
right she could pass for white which is
funny because the first time I
introduced her to my mom looks quite the
show I take my girl to go meet my mom
for the first time and you know my mom
she would come to the door she'll come
to the door if you know she you know she
sees you pulling up in the driveway she
opens the door and just waits for you to
get there and greets you at the door so
I'm pulling out right gets the you know
she comes to the door she sees me
opening the door and this white girl
comes out and she starts cussing me out
from the door and my girl speaks Spanish
so my girl looks at my mom and she's
like oh Lessing your neck como estas
and my mom was like oh my god you see
that mom you see that mom they make them
in that color too
another question that I get about my
girl is how did you guys meet did you
meet at her show and actually no we
didn't meet at a show we met at a bar
and see some of your like a lot of
people don't like that one they're like
oh really a bar that's not a good way to
meet someone it's an honest way to meet
someone we were both drunk when we met
which I find ironic considering she has
issues with me drinking now you know
eight years later the way I see I'm just
keeping it real you know Sammy but no
she don't see it that way when we met I
was gone she was gone we started talking
to each other and at the end of the
night I was like wow you have issues
you're messed up too we wanted to go get
a bite to eat and then you know nine
months later we moved in together and
that it worked out for us I tell people
you want to find out who you're with
don't just rush into the relationship
right away like you see some of those
people after a month we knew it was
meant to be yeah a year later he changed
she's not the same he changed
she's not the same he changed people
don't change I'll tell you why it looks
like they do because in the beginning of
the relationship you do whatever you
have to do to make it work and the first
thing you do is you bite your tongue
all of your frickin issues and things
that bother you you check your own
morals because you want to make it work
you start weighing out the pros and the
cons you're like oh man she talks a lot
but look at that butt
and her family's kind of crazy but they
got money you start putting things up
that's why it looks like the person
changed a year later and I'm just saying
you guys if you don't feel like
investing a lifetime trying to figure
out who you're with just do what I did
and get drunk with the person but don't
just get drunk to get drunk get drunk
with the intent I'm getting as much real
information out of them so that you can
make an educated decision on whether or
not to be with them
[Applause]
make it fun make it a game this way you
don't know this what you do you sit
across from each other you make a list
of five things you have to know before
you become exclusive then you break open
a bottle of tequila or alcohol of your
choice you do ten sh*ts each you wait
thirty five minutes you turn on a flip
cam hit record and let the date begin
you're about to find out who you're
really dealing with make it fun okay
Jennifer you go first
Thank You Jonathan thank you okay
[Applause]
okay boy how many people have you slept
with and guys can lie but the face gives
it away how many - have you ever cheated
no next day you pull out that video and
you confront them and you can see for
yourself who you're really dealing with
and if you can see that they're lying
call them out Jonathan this is the
saddest thing I've ever seen it is so
obvious that you're lying there's no way
in hell I'm ever gonna be with you why
don't you just be a man and tell the
truth how many people have you really
been with oh man
over 2000 god I cheated on everybody how
could you do that how could you cheat
how could you cheat
these some of your clapping some are
laughing some are like it's still not
funny I'm not making fun of molestation
I'm only making fun of the fact that
Alfred said it some people over there
not I gotta go pee go ahead oh yeah go
pee okay they're freaking out hello I'm
not TV I'm right here I told the venue
to I said you know what they got to do
for the special they got to put speakers
in the bathroom under the toilets so
when people get up like that to go pee I
can mess them up and go mmm welcome to
the restroom if you need to go peepee
please use stall number one if you need
to go Popo please you start over - thank
you
bienvenidos al Bano see necesitas hacer
PP o cuarto numero uno si necesitas
hacer kappa also welcome our boss
gracias equal opportunity right
[Applause]
f*ck up to the restroom hell yeah that's
what I'm saying if you need to pee your
stall number one if you need to sh*t
take your nasty ass home
some of your laughing somewhere like
stop doing those voices just having fun
that's all I gotta tell you guys being a
comedian has been the one of the
greatest experiences for me and you know
it's been it's been a fun ride it's been
a fun ride and um a lot of people don't
understand what has gone into this you
know me personally I got a lot of people
to thank my family obviously first and
foremost and all my friends and all the
support all the people you don't see
that are behind the scenes that have
helped me you know there's a lot of
comedians up there they do really good
and for some reason they start you know
going crazy and things happen and then
what happened
wrong people around them so whenever you
see me you're like h*nky was keeping it
together cuz people keep me together
sh**ting I start believing my own hype
I'm at 7-eleven yeah give me all that
sh*t yeah yeah keep it sir forgive me
crazy why is he talking to me like that
I just want you guys to know it's been a
fun ride and I want you to understand a
little bit more of what has happened
over the years to get to this point for
the first I'd say the first ten years of
my career I was considered a Southwest
comedian by promoters meaning that they
would only promote me in California
Arizona Nevada Texas New Mexico nothing
wrong with that but here's the thing is
that they were calling me a Southwest
comedian and then they call me Latino
comedian and I hated that no no I hate
that I'll tell you why and I know you
have good intentions when you over let
me explain why I don't like that title
when you say Latino comedian it makes it
sound like I can only perform for
Latinos okay and don't get me wrong I
know who I am and where I come from but
I believe that Latinos should be shared
with everyone and that's what I'm trying
to do and the reason why I make a big
deal about that is because anybody else
you just call them their name for
example Jerry Seinfeld
he's just Jerry Seinfeld he's not Jewish
comedian Jerry Seinfeld
Chris Rock is just Chris Rock he's not
african-american comedian Chris Rock but
with me I was always Latino comedian or
fat comic yeah they wouldn't even call
me fluffy those bastards
and so it wasn't until years and years
of grinding it out that eventually I
wound up meeting a promoter who
eventually became my manager who took a
chance on me and he promoted me in
Minneapolis Minnesota
okay and you cannot get any whiter than
Minneapolis Minnesota that is where the
Hollies are built that is the haole
Factory okay there's many hapless
Minnesota and it was a venue about as
big as this and it was it was sold out
and word got back to Los Angeles and to
New York and to all these promoters that
there's this entertainer with the last
name Iglesias who sold a bunch of
tickets who was not Enrique next thing
you know promoters are coming up the
woodwork another change in their tune
now they're not calling me Latino
comedian anymore now they're saying oh
this guy's he's funny across the board
he's crossover he's so crossover as a
material touches everyone he's crossover
he's crossover really you're gonna call
him Mexican cross over it was getting
worse
all I wanted to do is be given a chance
to go out and perform and show what I
could do and not have restrictions and
titles and stuff put on it was very very
hard and so like I said once I met my uh
my buddy who took care of me and came my
manager Joe Milosh amazing work he
started taking me everywhere with the
help of him and my agent Matt Blake and
Comedy Central started backing me up and
we wound up hitting all 50 states next
thing I know we go to Canada next thing
I know they sent me to Europe next thing
I know we hit Australia and then I get
this phone call my agent calls me out
but he says Gabe check it out you're
getting a request to perform in the
Middle East I go really
okay cool Army Navy Marines Air Force
who actually the request is coming from
a prince run that by me again a prince
I said Purple Reign not Prince a prince
I said how do they know me I I don't
know but they say that they know you and
they want to hire you I go it sounds
like a joke Matt trust me it sounds
legit all right
if it's legit I'll tell you what give
whoever a ridiculous figure and let them
know that they have to wire the money
today otherwise forget it four hours
later Gabe what ridiculous just called
are you serious I'm looking at the
screen bro they wired all of it next
thing I know welcome aboard
Saudi Arabian Airlines digital 17-hour
flight you guys from Detroit Michigan to
Riyadh Saudi Arabia and just so you guys
know I didn't go by myself okay
I took some friends with me nobody from
this show
for obvious reasons
you see the crew that I travel with
everybody's hairy big nose goatee beard
crazy eyes this are you kidding me with
all of us we're like Osama bin Lopez you
know say what the hell so I took two
other friends I took one friend his name
is Edwin San Juan who's Filipino works
clean oh yeah and another buddy of mine
named Larry Omaha who's Native American
who also works clean and look at the
camera hey Larry Omaha and once that one
you guys have fans and they're here in
Hawaii get your asses over here anyway
uh so we had to react 17 hour flight
from Detroit as soon as we get there
they flew us there first class by the
way it was really nice and the plane is
pulling up to the gate and you know it's
doing the whole you know and the tube is
coming out to meet the plane as soon as
the tube touches the plane all of a
sudden the door on the opposite side of
the plane pops open and a man in the
suit gets on and he walks over to the
three of us and he does this and I'm
sitting there freaking out like oh my
god this is like the movies and they
pulled us off the plane and they
escorted us to this area called VIP
baggage claim and it sounds kind of
create VIP and I get there and I realize
all there they're serving cookies and
candy and coffee and there's leather
sofas and it's really nice and there's
nothing but middle-eastern businessmen
there okay and they're all talking about
me I don't understand Arabic but
everyone in this room understands when
someone's talking about you the guys
looking at me and he's like not a
definite American economy I'm sorry but
this is universal
and apparently this is Arabic for Dale
[Applause]
so then this other guy walks over to me
and he's holding a sign and the sign has
my name on it and he's really excited
he's like he did you come did you come
come come eagle and all he cooks we grab
our luggage and we follow him outside to
the curb
they have three Lincoln Navigator SUVs
waiting for us
there's three comedians and there's
three cars we're so paranoid that we're
in the Middle East we all get in one car
we're sitting in there and we take off
we're heading towards downtown Riyadh
okay now all I know up to this point
about my experience is that I've already
been paid my flights been taken care of
and I have a point person who I'm
supposed to meet at the airport who's
not there so I'm talking to the drivers
excuse me sir where's this guy it is
okay okay okay and for me it's not okay
because I researched Saudi Arabia and
you know you pick the rules in Singapore
are strict the rules of Saudi Arabia are
very very different okay and I don't
want to offend anyone and I want to make
sure that I don't say the wrong thing so
I need to know you know some I need some
info so I keep talking to the driver so
um sir would you mind helping me with
some questions whatever you need you ask
okay um I apologize in advance if I come
across rude or disrespectful or ignorant
but um how do you guys know about me
here in the Middle East what do you mean
how do we know yeah how do you know that
I'm a comedian
do you have Comedy Central or HBO or
Showtime what is that that's a no that's
what that is that's enough
how do you know that I'm an entertainer
Oh your videos you do my friend you do
your huge you're the number two most
famous comedian in all of the Middle
East number two you're kidding I am NOT
comedian I don't get no I'm the number
two most famous comedian in all of the
Middle East yes
who's number one Jeff Dunham
Jeff Dunham is the number-one comedian
in the Middle East
you guys don't find him at all offensive
oh no
when I heard that you guys almost like
you know what they get it they get it so
I'm like we're cool we're sitting we're
driving we're heading towards downtown
all of a sudden the driver cuts the
wheel really hard and we get off the
freeway and now we're taking a side road
going away from the city and I'm like oh
excuse me where are we going
they're going to this show I go on it
says here that we're staying in the city
yes you're staying in the city but the
show is somewhere else that doesn't make
sense why would you have the show
somewhere else how come you don't have
it in the city and then he broke it down
my friend here in rear it is very
different okay your type of
entertainment is forbidden in the city
there are people called religious police
that hold up the traditions they keep it
so that is very traditional
it is not allowed the social gathering
is a no-no we must go somewhere secret
in the desert
all right um so how many people are you
guys expecting at the show easily
between seven to eight hundred people
that many I told you number two and sure
enough you guys we pull up to this
racetrack in the middle of the desert
and there's uh there's a giant tent set
up next to it and there's there's 800
people roughly there for a comedy show
and as soon as we pull up as soon as we
pull over radio start popping up and I
keep hearing and all the radios to fetch
bluffing a fluffy fluffy fluffy all of a
sudden some guy runs up on the stage and
they hand him a microphone and he starts
yelling to the crowd I don't know what
he's saying but I've seen enough hip-hop
to recognize a hype man oh yeah he's out
there and then I get the biggest
introduction of my life he and the crowd
starts going blah blah and when I heard
that I freaked out I was like oh my god
this is gonna be an amazing show so I
ran to the stage as fast as I could
I'm not a runner
I booked it to the stage you guys
because I was so excited and when I got
to the front it clicked that in Saudi
Arabia they still have segregation and I
didn't find out till the last second
because I saw a line going down the
middle and on one side meant other side
women and all the women in the front row
were covered from head to toe all I saw
was this oh yeah I had no idea I was
performing for Assassin's Creed I didn't
know
it threw me out so bad you really glad
and I hey what's going on everybody
I froze I've been doing this for 15
years I don't freeze but that threw me
off so bad I didn't know what to say
all of a sudden men start yelling my
jokes at me my friend do the donkey the
donkey chocolate cake guy in the front
make fun of me hell no and the people
started laughing
the women were laughing just as hard as
the men you know granted some of them I
couldn't see but for the most part is
like and I'm not trying to be
disrespectful you know either leather
moving and laughing I even had fun with
one of the girls I said oh I saw your
neck you're going to get me in trouble
the Saudis had such an amazing sense of
humor they were laughing and carrying on
and I had no idea that we're gonna be
like that and then after the show I got
a chance to meet some of the locals and
one guy was almost in tears he was so
emotional he walks up to me and he's
just like I cannot believe that I am
standing here in front of you mr. fluffy
thank you Please Please when you return
to United States or wherever you travel
let the people know what you saw okay
let them know that we're not all bad
that we're not all those bad people from
Fox News okay you let them know because
we see Fox News and Fox News believes
everybody in Middle East is bad
everybody's t*rror1st everybody has a
b*mb
he has a b*mb he has about he has a b*mb
Oprah is here giving away bombs to
everybody everybody
[Applause]
please you let them know we're not all
bad people okay we are not all
t*rrorists my cousin he is raising my
blood pressure every 7 seconds and then
he starts breaking it down for me how
stand-up comedy is starting to bring
people together in the Middle East and
how he's starting to do you know he's
doing comedy it's really crazy the
conversation you know in here in Saudi
Arabia people they like watching the
stand-up comedy because we love to laugh
okay we love to laugh it's great to
laugh and people don't think that people
in Middle East have sense of humor they
see videos they see TV they think we are
the same they say om it'll listen people
are all angry look at their face they're
angry everybody angry everybody mad
everybody angry my friend we're not
angry he's hot okay this 117 degrees
everybody is not mad they're hot look at
everybody has a hot face hot waist
everybody hot face I promise you give me
air conditioning I am so happy
we are okay we love to laugh I've been
doing the stand-up comedy for about the
six months now and I have jokes good for
you
Matt right oh great all right man go
ahead
okay okay okay here we go
two Jews walk into a bar
not in my country
man gonna get my ass arrested bro we
wound up doing shows all over the Middle
East we were in Riyadh Bahrain Dubai
Qatar Doha and each show you guys was
more amazing than the last show not
because there were so many people but
because the people were friendly they
were fun they got all the references I
couldn't get over that I honestly
thought that they were gonna be like the
people from Fox News and I felt terrible
I felt terrible because I was judging
them
I was prejudging them and I thought that
they were gonna be a certain way and I
felt bad because all those years people
were doing that to me
not really giving me a chance and I was
over there doing the same thing I felt
so bad and then when I met the prince I
was still judging 19 years old and he's
a prince I thought he was gonna be a
brat he walks up to me and I was already
like what's up I fail to realize that
he's a prince and he was brought up to
be a prince the way he carried himself
he intimidated me in about 18 seconds
okay I'm 36 and I mean almost he's like
really excuse me
Gabriel Gabriel Gabriel I understand
that your name is Gabriel but in the
Arabic language your name is Jibril I
was welcoming you in our language
[Music]
and I started already imagining what was
gonna happen I'm so sorry I'm so sorry
and he was so nice you guys he's like I
want to thank you for coming here to
Riyadh in doing all of these shows it
was so beautiful to see everyone having
such an amazing time from the little
children in attendance all the way to
the elderly people with a king everyone
had an amazing time everyone it was
beautiful
okay beautiful religious people laughing
religious beliefs nothing they don't
laugh at sh*t I want you to understand
how big this is there was an American
here entertaining people from Middle
East there was no v*olence no bloodshed
no problems everybody was smiling
everybody was getting along it is
possible an American was here an
American was here he kept saying
American American American freaking ten
years be called a Latino comic I had to
go all the way around the world to
finally get called America
I was excited I was like say it again
American and then I had the most surreal
conversation I have ever had with the
person he looks at me and he says I want
to thank you for everything I want to
invite you and your friends to come to
my palace so that I may entertain you
look are you freaking kidding me I am
NOT getting invited to a palace by a
prince oh my god up until this point my
only experience with royalty was a
Burger King drive-thru all of a sudden
one of those SUVs pulls up and a guy
jumps out in a suit and I guess his
favorite word was please cuz that's all
he said please please please please
please please please like are you
kidding me there's a man in a suit
trying to get me in the back of a
Lincoln Navigator and there's a prince
invited me to his palace I'm not gonna
lie I felt like a hot chick we get to
the front of his palace you guys I'm not
gonna lie it didn't look like a palace
the walls are really high there's Bob
wire around the entire property and
there's two guys in the front with
machine g*ns I'm looking at this and I'm
like opposed and I started thinking what
if I'm on some messed-up episode of
Middle Eastern Punk'd here in a like you
don't want to ballet as you go to prison
and your body
fortunately the doors opened up and we
drive in and then they closed and when
we got outside you guys what we saw was
amazing
outside desert inside palm trees bushes
shrubs a pond and he had exotic pets
I know exotic pets cuz I know what I
have over there freaking zebra monkeys
and he had a freaking boa constrictor
look are you kidding me snakes monkeys a
zebra and a tiger oh my god that makes
me Kung Fu Panda
and I started thinking what if he
decides to keep me it sounds messed up
but let me explain as an American you
cannot just purchase an airline ticket
to go to Saudi Arabia you have to be
invited by a person of power you know
when I left Detroit to go over there I
had to fill out a form that says I
understand that I'm going to Saudi
Arabia and should something happen to me
one of those things on the list being
kidnapping conveniently right above
death America is not responsible the
prince could have actually your mind
two weeks later now he's showing someone
else around it is my snake at this my
zebra that is my Mexican that is my
tiger your SATA some little boxes is
gibreel
but it never happened and we're walking
around and I actually pulled him aside
for a second I said listen up I gotta
tell you something
well you tell me I need to apologize
what did you do I didn't do anything I
just want to apologize for coming here
with the wrong mentality I says
unfortunately I thought they just you
know because it is the Middle East I
thought you guys were gonna be rude and
everybody's been nothing but nice ah I
know I didn't think you guys were gonna
speak English so well and understand you
know so many references and you guys get
everything ah I know I thought you guys
were gonna throw rocks but you were
funny
what never mind
what a three wearing so we're walking
and he's showing me this and that and
I'm we're just kind of like looking
around I thought it was great and then I
saw something that freaked me out
we're walking in the direction of a
giant cage and when I saw the cage I
stopped like what's with the cage d*ck
look great so I walk over towards the
cage and I look inside and I noticed
that there's birds in there
and I go okay cool it's a bird cage he
got off and in here there's not regular
birds
those are Falcons like okay well you
have a lot of Falcons oh you use a
Falcons for hunting you hunt Falcons no
no no no each Falcon is very expensive
go out and we sh**t a little animal and
we send a Falcon three three would you
like to see no no no before I know it
here comes the other guy please please
please
and he goes inside the cage and he puts
on this leather glove that comes up to
his elbow and he starts getting one of
the Falcons I'm watching him do this and
I noticed all the Falcons are on these
perches about this high and there's
about 15 in a row and they all have
hoods covering their eyes and I asked
them why do they have hoods on their
eyes man they look like little hostages
sh*t sorry bro
I'm sorry I meant no disrespect five
Hannah seriously no no disrespect I was
a slip
anyone's cool I understand Middle East
hostage so the other guy comes out and
he's got a Falcon with him and he's got
a glove and he hands me the glove and I
put it on and he transfers his Falcon to
my arm and all of a sudden he starts
doing snapping things and he's basically
showing me that the Falcons trained and
I thought that was grandpa we're gonna
k*ll something I'm like no but we were
just playing with the Falcon and I
started getting excited you know and the
more excited I got the more the Prince
started showing his age cuz then he got
excited I'm like this is great it is
great yes this is so cool so cool my
cards are lucky to have so many Falcons
I am so lucky would you like a falcon so
matter-of-fact like would you like a
cookie
would you like a falcon same way are you
kidding me don't give me a falcon that
can retrieve things shoo you think I'm
lazy now hell no don't give me a bone
I wouldn't even leave the house I'd be
at the front door doughnuts
and who the hell is gonna watch my
Falcon when I'm up here performing I
can't leave it with my buddy might have
been in the back you know he would abuse
it take it to some nightclub try to hook
up with that freakin hit the redhead
[Applause]
two weeks later this is bullshit no man
we were out there you guys in the Middle
East for over two weeks and after two
weeks of being there hey sit down
hi Mary
[Applause]
oh just like the last special where I
started talking about Chico's tacos next
thing you know people all over the world
talking about Chico's tacos
after this special comes out they're
gonna be people all over the world
calling each other ma who's
[Applause]
[Music]
so you guys I wanted to find a very
special way to close out this event and
I thought it would be great if I could
tell an old story that was from years
ago that never made it to a one-hour
special and the cool part about this
story is that it it now has a different
ending the story is called the gift
basket some of you know it some of you
don't know it but after this you're
never gonna forget it all you have to
know about this story is that all the
people involved have always been and
will continue to be friends that being
said Matt Athena and I all the good ones
start like that Matt Athena and I are
scheduled to perform in Northern
California usually we fly but this
particular day I was having a problem
with Southwest Airlines they wanted me
to pay for an extra seat for someone who
wasn't traveling with me
take your time you'll figure it out
anyway I tell my Dafina I'm not paying
for an extra seat let's just drive at
six hours so we headed north
three hours under the drive we're
passing through a city called Fresno and
as we're passing a Fresno five five nine
different way anyway as we're passing
through Fresno we start seeing
billboards off the side of the freeway
that said performing this weekend at the
Radisson Hotel directly from BET's
comicview and Showtime at the Apollo
comedian G Reilly and I look at my
Athena go oh sh**t she's in town yeah I
haven't seen G in years
so we're like let's stop by the hotel
and say hi so we pull into the parking
lot we walk in I tell him out of bean he
doesn't know we're here I'm gonna crank
call his room cuz what were you gonna
say I said I'm gonna tell him that I'm
the front desk and that he just received
a gift basket cuz what's so funny about
a gift basket I said I'm gonna describe
it over the phone and I'm gonna make all
the items that are in this imaginary
basket become items that's
stereotypically a black person might
like it's you crazy I said I'll tell you
what we got two hours to k*ll how about
this how about we go to the supermarket
and we make an actual r*cist gift basket
and we'll have it delivered and we'll
wait outside to see what happens I said
are you down we go to a store and we
start to design the sickest practical
joke ever I get a shopping cart and I'm
like all right we need a basket so I
find one I take out the grass the
plastic eggs and the chocolate rabbits
and we started hitting the aisles first
item I grabbed is a Fried Chicken about
that big
see how quick that laugh was a few black
people in here like m*therf*cker this
better be funny
it's hysterical let me just finish the
story and then you could judge me in the
parking lot so anyway then my peen hands
me a miniature watermelon and I put it
next to the fried chicken here's where
it gets interesting employees of the
store find out what we're doing and they
start volunteering to help us finish the
basket half of the employees were black
which made it so much more accurate
aisle after aisle one guy was stocking a
shelf he was an older white guy and
we're like sir can you help us what do
you need my buddy my Tina and I are
trying to make this messed up r*cist
gift basket for our black friend as a
practical joke can you think of
something we could put in there without
even blinking an eye the guy was like
have kool aid set the end of the aisle
on the right malt liquors an X ray all
over in the back of the store in the
freezer section it's on sale two-for-one
by the time we get to the register all
these different employees plus us came
up with the basket the Hat
fried chicken watermelon kool-aid grape
soda barbecue potato chips sunflower
seeds an ebony magazine a Chris Rock DVD
called bigger and blacker Magnum condoms
Newport cigarettes a rack of ribs the
recipe for cornbread it was getting
bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger
icing on the cake we find a greeting
card that's on clearance from Halloween
and it has a picture of three ghosts on
the cover wearing sheets I tear off the
half that says happy Halloween and on
the back of the card I write welcome to
Fresno love the Chamber of Commerce and
we stick it to the basket we made it all
nice and pretty and we haul ass to the
hotel
we pull up we walk in the basket is hot
as hell so I'm racing it I get inside
and I put it on the counter as fast as I
can bro it's too perfect there's a black
girl behind the front desk as soon as I
put the basket down I hear is that
chicken Oh hold on what is it let me
explain my name is Gabriel this is my
Athene we're a couple of comedians and
we're about to play a really crazy
practical joke on a friend of ours who's
staying here tonight by the name of
jeera Lee who's also a comedian I woulda
won this on the science on the free went
yet I won this on the science on the
freeway so as a practical joke we went
to the store and we made this messed up
r*cist gift basket that's that's why you
can smell fried chicken and she was like
[Music]
you need Jesus that's a jewel named Gigi
girl you better hang up that phone
you ain't gonna believe what I'm looking
at over here girl listen we think it
would be hysterical if we could have you
deliver the basket for us she lost it
oh the hell you didn't I know you didn't
just ask me to take that to a black man
you are damn olá give me the strength to
not k*ll this big-ass Mexican over here
long okay look here nacho libre I don't
care who you are I am NOT doing it hail
now I'll give you 50 bucks where that
m*therf*cker
[Laughter]
we follow her to the hotel room she
knocks on the door might have been and I
hide by the elevator on the floor she
knocks she opens the door sees a
beautiful black woman standing there
with a gift basket this is for you baby
he says thank you
closes the door she walks away and she
sees us on the ground hiding right and
she's like y'all still gonna Hale we get
up and we walk over to the door and we
put our ears listen this is what we hear
inside oh cool a he's getting excited
over every single item he's pulling out
of the basket he gets to the greeting
card what kind of Fresno love the
Chamber of Commerce hell yeah then we
feel him flipping the card over because
his voice changed he's like oh yeah man
is it what the f*ck outside the door we
heard r*cist bastards well we heard
r*cist bastards we lost it housekeeping
is freaking out Kendall status
Kendyl we're laughing we're crying we
got boogers coming out we can't take it
anymore we knock on the door he yells
who is it too easy
Chamber of Commerce he rushes the Thor I
put my finger on the people so he can't
see who it is right the knob starts to
jiggled and the Thor explodes open and
he's like what and he sees us and he's
like what's up g-man don't give a
brother heart att*ck did you like your
basket man that was messed up did you
like it man I loved all that sh*t
[Applause]
and now ladies and gentlemen a story
that has been seven years in the making
I would like for you to now hear for the
first time ever the other side of that
story ladies and gentlemen I fooled him
here to Hawaii so that he can share this
with you give it up for my friend mr. G
I gotta be honest I didn't know it was
r*cist I thought it was lunch I didn't
know what rage until I got back to my
neighborhood and brothers in my
neighborhood looks for me they say man I
don't believe you let that Mexican guy
do that to you man that was messed up I
know you got him back
I said well buy him lunch I can't afford
to buy that man lunch if I buy him lunch
he'll be getting me again but you
understand it was the perfect set of
circumstances when it happened because
I'm laying across the bed in the hotel
I'd never been to Fresno before and I
wanted something to eat and I didn't
know where to go eat so I'm laying
across the bed and I'm saying to myself
where can I go eat I wish I had some
food and all of a sudden magically
there's a knock on the door and a black
girl shows up with a gift basket and I
took the gift basket and I said they
know how to treat their comedians up
here Fresno and I'm walking to the bed
and I can feel the heat and I can smell
the chicken from the gift basket not my
oh this is cool but nobody smells
chicken and thinks the racism
[Applause]
firstly I see the watermelon oh this is
cool they know how to treat a comedian
up in here I get to the card and I look
at the card and I go what the f*ck is
going on I said oh my god
I'm working for the Ku Klux Klan
and I really I really started to panic
because in my head I'm saying to myself
is this for real cuz there were
billboards all over the city with my
picture and I started thinking they were
trying to scare me out of town so now I
don't know what to do right and I start
trying to call the promoter and the
promoters not answering the phone
and it's festering in my head and I'm
nervous and I'm pacing in the room and
all of a sudden there's a knock on the
door right now go oh my god they come to
get me so I ease over to the door right
and I look through the people right and
all I see is a brown dot right I hear
somebody out there cuz I hear the
breathing right I hear this was about
sixty pounds ago right so I gotta look
under the door right oh my god it gotta
be about five or six I'm about
so I figured like this I figure okay you
know what if it's gonna happen it's
gonna happen you know if it's gonna
happen I'm gonna go down swinging right
so I put my best black face on you know
why I tried to look me you know I look I
look like this guy right here I look
like that guy right there and I go who
is it and they go Chamber of Commerce
with me oh my god the Chamber of
Commerce is the Ku Klux Klan and I'm
panicking
so I get to the door right and I pull
open the door open and when the door
opens up these guys are falling all over
the hall laughing at me
they're rolling all into the cleaning
ladies caught the cleaning lady didn't
know what was going on right she scared
it cuz she sees a black dude with no
shirt like this so she grabs the lemon
plays like his pepper spray right
everything now that I realize it's a
practical joke everything calms down cuz
I remember that I remember how hungry I
was I'm like okay cool
practical joke right so I go in the
bathroom to wash my hands while I'm in
the bathroom washing my hands I hear a
commotion in the other room right I go
back in the other room they're going
through the gift basket the maid is
leaving with the watermelon my team is
drinking my forty
unity to laughter painting thank you so
much
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
thank you guys so much for being part of
this I love you and I'm gonna make you
guys proud this is gonna air next year
on Comedy Central and everybody's gonna
love it thank you thank you thank you
okay stop that thank you so much Rinat
love your bra I'll see you guys later
[Music]
[Music]