03x02 - There Goes My Baby

[bunniefuu]

[MELLOW MUSIC]

My dead father's baby mama

just dropped off
my kid brother and left.

You just kind of
hang around and...
And smoke

And... And talk loud.

Yeah, all that.
We call it fellowship.

I've been thinking
about you a lot.

I... I've been thinking
about you a lot too.

♪ ♪

Sourmilk?

Mr. Sourmilk?

Sourmilk.Yeah.

Hi, I'm Colton.
How can I help you?

You just called my name,
except it's Sam Loudermilk.

Oh, I'm sorry,

this appointment
is for Mr. Sourmilk.

No, no, no, I put...Sourmilk?

That's me.

It just autocorrects
to "Sourmilk."

Well, I'm sorry,

but the screen says
Mr. Sourmilk.

I'm happy to make you
another appointment,
though.

What did you say
your name was?

Sam Loudermilk.

Mm-kay.

Oh, if you could
just take a seat

just for a second.
Thank you.

Sam Loudermilk?God damn it.

I'm Colton.
How can I help you?

Yeah, we... We've met.

I... Look,
I need to get
a new phone.

A baby peed on it,
and it doesn't work.

What's your ID
and password?

I have no idea.

You mean the password
I use to get into the phone?

[LAUGHS]

No, no,
that's your passcode.

Your ID will have
the same alphanumeric
password

you use to log in
to the sky cloud.

Oh, the sky cloud account.
Why didn't you say that?

No, I don't know
what that is.

I'm just looking
to get a new phone.

Do we need that?Yes, we do.

But not to worry.

You can actually reset
your user ID and password

right from your mobile device.

But my phone won't turn on.
That's why I'm here.

Can I just give you
my license?

Uh... [LAUGHS] No.

Why don't we start
with your phone number?

Do you know that?Yes, I know that.

[SIGHS][INHALES DEEPLY]

All right,
I found you.

Okay, so what kind of
device were you
looking to get today?

The new Z?
The ZR?

The Z9?

We do have a couple
of the new ZR9s,

but we're sold out
of Graphite Dream.

Just give me
whatever one
is cheapest.

That really depends
on what you're looking

to get out
of your mobile device.

Do you use a lot of social
media and networking apps?

Do you like to create
and upload digital content?

No, nothing like that.[SUCKS TEETH]

Okay, so...

How do you use it?

As a phone.
Just get me a...

Can I just stop you
for one second?

These are much more
than phones, okay?

Check this out.
So you're texting
your friend.

"Hey, wanna meet
for brunch?"

I would never do that.I hear you.

Pretty boring, right?

Except check out
what that would look like
on the new ZR9.

Are we brunching
or what, fam?

[LAUGHS]Okay, look, Colton?

Just get me
a basic phone, okay?

No apps, no features...
[STAMMERS]

Preferably
no touch screen.

Do... Do you have any
where the numbers
are still buttons?

Like a flip phone?Yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry,
I think we're all out,

but you're welcome
to check back 15 years ago.

[LAUGHS]
The only phones

with actual buttons
nowadays

are those burner phones
you see at seedy
convenience stores.

They're the ones
drug dealers use.

Let's pretend for a second
that I'm looking for a phone
here in this store.

Just give me
your shittiest phone!

I don't need apps!

I don't need brunch
with a talking horse!

I just want a phone
to make phone calls with.

The phone you're describing

wouldn't be able
to receive internet,

emergency broadcast warnings,
AMBER alerts.

It's just reckless.

I'm sorry,
I'm late for
my appointment.

Name?Rick Sourmilk.

f*ck off.

[FRANZ FERDINAND'S
STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]

♪ ♪

NEW GUY: Even after winning
that trial for Loudermilk,

my phone hasn't been ringing.

It's not the work I miss,
it's the excitement.

I'm an adrenaline junkie.

I've just been sitting home
all day with nothing to do,

and you know what they say
about idle hands.

They jerk off a lot?

Uh, yeah, and they also
stuff food in my mouth.

I've gained two...
Okay, ten pounds

since Louise
dumped me.

Well, you can't
just give up.

You gotta get out there
and find somebody new.

Oh, yeah? How's that going
for you, Loudermilk?

We're not talking
about me, Claire.

I'm not the one
going through a break-up.

Oh, right, because a break-up
follows a relationship

and you'd have to
actually date in order
to have one of those.

I don't have
time to date.

All I do is mop floors

so I can support
these two bald assholes.

[SARCASTICALLY] Oh.
Oh, I'm the problem.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm just over here
living the dream

cooking and cleaning
and changing diapers

while you're off
working with the boys.

What boys?

You... Your work buddies.
You know.

The closest thing I have
to a work buddy
is the homeless guy

who takes
his daily constitutional

in front of the
bank entrance
every night.

BEN: Well, at least
you get to go out.

I can't even think of
the last time I left
the house.

You know, when was
the last time we had a nice
dinner, just you and me?

You mean a date?

[LAUGHS]

It's easy to be glib.

Look, you know what?

You're so bored,
I got a crazy idea.

Why don't you get a job?

[SCOFFS]
Okay, this...

This isn't a job?

You know what?
How dare you.

You know,
at least it's inspired you
to make music, Ben.

What are you
talking about?

Wait, you haven't seen
Ben's videos on Instagram?

No.They're really good.

[PLAYING CHEERFUL TUNE
ON UKULELE]

♪ The lion and the penguin
are best friends

♪ Side by side in the forest
like bookends

♪ The penguin helps the lion
comb his hair

♪ And the lion
protects the penguin

♪ From the polar bear ♪ It's not a big deal.

It's just, I...
I make up some
silly songs

and I sing them
to Clyde when he cries

and it seems to
soothe him.

So I uploaded a few
to help other mothers
with their fussy babies.

It's nothing,
it's nothing.

Aww. That's really
sweet, Ben.

Okay, so the lion,

which is
an apex predator,

is sitting next to a penguin,
a bird that he would eat,

in the forest,
where neither of them live.

No, no, I'm pretty sure
lions live in the forest.

Lions live in the savannah.

Okay, what about
The Wizard of Oz?

No, that's just
to make it rhyme.

Lions live
in the savannah

but they called it
the king of the jungle.

You can't sing about that
'cause nothing rhymes
with "jungle."

"Bungle."Yeah, exactly.

Jethro Tull tried that.

It didn't work
out very well.

Hey, what are you
talking about?

I love that song.No.

BEN: You see, this is why
I didn't tell you, Sam.

There's always...[CLYDE FUSSING]

Oh, no. Look...
Look what you did.

You know, I don't like
who you become
around your friends.

I'll be waiting outside.

♪ The penguin helps the lion
comb his hair

♪ And the lion
protects the penguin

♪ From the polar bear ♪

Oh, the polar bear
is in the forest.

You're f*cking delusional.All right.

Look, the polar ice caps
are melting,

forcing the polar bear
down south.

Climate change is happening,
but, yeah, sure,

I'm the delusional one.

[CLYDE FUSSING]

Sorry, everyone.
It's hormones.

♪ Loudermilk's a jerk,
Loudermilk's a jerk

♪ Gotta pack your tools
before you go to work

♪ And when you
get to work ♪ Hey.

It's Ben, isn't it?Yeah.

Uh, baby yoga.

Thursday afternoons, right?That's it, I knew it.

I'm Sarah...Hi.

And this is Marcus.Oh.

[LAUGHS] Hello.

I'm sorry,
what's your son's
name again?

Clyde.Hi.

But, uh, he's actually
not my son.
He's a rescue.

Loudermilk's right,
New Guy.

You gotta move on.

When I lost my job
and Men's Wearhouse,

all the extra
time to myself,
it was tough.

I almost slipped up.

But luckily,
I got a new job.

Finally, uh, back
in the rhythm.

I didn't know
you got a new job.

Yeah, work for Toto.

Oh, they got
back together?

Nah, not the band, man.
The washlet company.

I'm a salesman.Oh, I've heard of those.

The toilets that sh**t water
up your butt, right?

Mm-hmm.Get the hell
out of here.

Ooh, that's gotta be
a hard sell.

Are you kidding?
That's the easiest sell
in the world.

Let me give you my pitch.

Let's say that somehow
you accidently got a little
chip of sh*t on your arm.

Would you just wipe it off
with toilet paper

and go about
the rest of your day?

Well, that depends
on whose sh*t it was.

Let's say
that sh*t was your sh*t.

Oh, in that case,
I'd be boiling my arm
in a crab pot.

Exactly, right?

You'd scrub that
m*therf*cker clean.

ED: Yeah. [LAUGHS]

So why do we think
that wiping is the best way
to clean our butts?

BOTH: I don't know.

I don't know how
anyone gets sh*t on their arm,
but that's a good point.

Every bathroom in Japan
has a Toto toilet,

even in prison.

Meanwhile, America is still
sh1tting in the Stone Age.

Holy cow,
I don't believe this.

What the f*ck happened
to this country?

Where did we lose our way?

Yeah, I think
that pretty much
sums up this meeting.

Let's call it a day
and I'll see you
next time.

Anyone interested in toilets,
see me outside.

Uh, while I hate to interrupt
this riveting conversation,

I wanted to ask why
none of you have signed up

to volunteer
for the fundraiser.

LOUDERMILK: "Fundraiser"?

You get more lawsuits
than usual this month?

Mm.

You may not be aware,
but this parish does more
than just host your group.

We run
a soup kitchen,

we connect people
with medical services,

we provide a space for people
such as yourselves

who have nowhere
else to go.

Now, this costs money,

so this weekend we are
holding a community fair,

and we need volunteers to come
for just a few hours.

Hand out tickets
and run the games.

That sort of thing.

And Loudermilk, I was hoping
you could help me

hook up the speakers
for the band.

Who's playing?

Sister Margaret
and the other nuns
are going to sing.

Wait, that's your plan
to save the church?

Get the community to come out
and pay money

to watch
a bunch of nuns onstage?

Yeah, who's planning
this thing?

The Fyre Festival people?

MIKE: I'm doing
the best that I can.

There aren't a lot
of family-friendly performers
who work for free.

Oh, I got it! Let me handle
the entertainment, Father.

I'll give those people
the show of their lives.

Uh...okay.

Eh, well, thank you.

Don't forget the sign-up
sheet's in the hallway.

Thank you,
and Loudermilk,

can I talk to you
for a minute before
you leave, son?

Hey, Mugs, want me to talk
to you about the toilet, man.

All right.Those things tickle your ass.

I gotta see this.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

We need to talk
about Clyde.

You can't keep
bringing him here.

Why not?

It's not good for him
to be around drug addicts,

drunks, and thieves.

Well, he can't stay home
by himself.

Have you heard
from the mother?

No.

As I said before,

I know several
excellent families

who are actively looking.

Look, even if I wanted
to put him up for adoption,

I don't have his papers.

Don't I need his pink slip
or a receipt or something?

Samuel, it's a child,
not a car.

No.

No, okay?

It's not happening,
so stop asking me about it.

We're not there yet.

I... I gotta go.
I'll see you at the fair.

So which one's
your partner?

Oh, uh, the guy
who looks like Coach Taylor
from Friday Night Lights.

Right there.Oh.

Good for you.
He's really cute.

Yeah, he's a cutie pie.[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, no, no, no.
We're not...
We're not together.

We were both
married to women.
"Woman," I should say.

We were both married
to the same woman,

but then he divorced her,
then I divorced her,

and now we're
just roommates

raising his dead father's
illegitimate son.

Oh.NEW GUY: Hey, Benny-boy!

Ow.

I got you the gig!What gig?

The big community fundraiser
this Saturday.

Father Mike needs us
to save the church

and your music's gonna do it.

No, no, it isn't.

No, I can't perform
in front of people.

Father Mike wanted you
to open for the nuns
but I said, "That's bullshit."

You're headlining or we walk.

This guy's amazing.[SCOFFS]

Hey, come...
Come down this Saturday.

Bring your grandson.

It's my son.Oh, adopted?

No.In vitro?

No.

Oh, uh, he's a cutie.

BEN: Hey. Loudermilk.

Sam, come here.

[DOG BARKING]

This is Sarah. She's, uh...
She's new in town.

From Boston.
[MOUTHING]

"Loudermilk."
That's an interesting name.

Where's that from?Uh, just my dad.

[GUFFAWS]
Beautiful!

Well, look at you two
hitting it off.

You know, since you're
brand new in town,

perhaps Loudermilk
could show you around?

Oh, no, that's not necessary.
I don't want to impose.

Oh, that's no imposition
at all, and I totally would

if I didn't have archery class
every night this week.

Uh, not tomorrow night,
because tomorrow is Friday

and there's no archery
on Fridays

because that is when
they re-stuff the targets,
remember?

Yeah.

Can't believe I forgot
all about target re-stuffing.

[LAUGHS]
So, dinner it is.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

She didn't want to either.

You just forced us into it

like a mom
setting up a play date.

Well, it was
the least I could do

since apparently
I'm preventing you
from dating.

Why would I want to
go on a date with
a complete stranger?

It'll be
a total f*cking disaster.

Speak of the devil.

I'm just borrowing
a coffee mug.

You don't know
that it would be
a disaster.

Sarah's
a wonderful woman.

How do you know
she's wonderful?

You talked to her
for two minutes.

Well, she has a child.

h*tler had
a shitload of kids.

No, I don't think he did.He didn't?

Mm-mm.[GASPS]

Oh, that's right.
I'm thinking of the Duggars.

So you're saying that anyone
with a kid is wonderful

and people without them
are assholes?

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]
Well, look at us.

Look, Ben, you gotta
stop doing this.

All right?
Go live your own life.

I can't.
That's the point.

Look, you know I love Clyde,

but this Two and a Half Men
BS has gone on long enough.

I can't be the mother
that he deserves.

I got my own crap
to deal with.

And if you're serious
about keeping him,

then you need to start
building a family.

Oh, that's your plan?
I go on one date
and then I marry her?

Well, it's a start.

Sure, and when we divorce,
you can marry her, too,

'cause marrying my ex-wives
is your favorite thing to do.

Aww, for...
For f*ck's sake!

That was one time!

♪ ♪

It's gonna be
about a 30-to-40-minute wait.

♪ ♪

Okay.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]



You know they got
a table back there.

When I was a music critic,
I could just drop a band name.

We'd be in like that.No way.

You're a critic?
[CLICKS TONGUE]

I'm a critic too.

Really?Mm-hmm.

Online food critic.Oh.

Whoa, okay.
For... For who?

Yelp.

Yeah, I've done over


I'm kind of well-known.
I'm Yelp Elite.

What's that?

Um, it's a status
given to a small percentage
of Yelp reviewers.

It's based
on a number of things

like well-written reviews
and good restaurant tips

and... And the ability
to have a little fun with it,

like I'm sure you do
with your reviews.

Not really.

Um, so, wait, do you get paid
to be a Yelp reviewer?

Well, no, but we did sue
for unpaid compensation.

"Unpaid comp"...
I thought Yelp doesn't pay?

You're thinking of crime.[BOTH LAUGH]

Besides, I'm Yelp Elite.

Uh, so Yelp Elite pays?No, that's why we sued.

Okay, I'm confused.

You sued to get money
for reviews

no one asked you to write
on the free site

where no one ever gets paid?

Do you have any idea
how much advertising
revenue Yelp makes

from Yelp Elite reviewers
like me?

Yeah, but that's
not the point.

Their whole thing
is that if you want,

you can write a review,
and if not, it's your call.

HOSTESS: Excuse me?

Did I hear you say
that you're Yelp Elite?

Yes.

Oh, we certainly appreciate
you dining with us tonight.

Please, follow me
this way.

Your table is ready.Thank you.

♪ ♪

Oh.

You're all set
for the fundraiser.

Hey, how are you doing?[CLYDE COOS]

Uh, I'm sorry, "all set"

in that you told Father Mike
I'm not doing it, right?

No, better.
I got you a band.

I don't need a band.

I told you that I don't...Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not worried
about somebody stealing
the spotlight, are you?

You think Salt worried
about Pepa?

Okay, that's not the...

The issue is that I...
I've never been good

at performing
in front of people.

Well, that's why
I got you a band,

so you won't be alone.

Look, I said I'd take care
of you, and I am.

Now, stop worrying
about the show

and stay focused
on writing some new songs.

You're not hearing me.

Uh, wait, why do I need to
write new songs?

You don't think
my songs are good?

Well, they're baby good,

but you're not just singing
for Clyde anymore.

Look, you don't
want to embarrass
yourself

and your management
up there, do you?

Do you?

[SHOUTS] Do you?No.

Excuse me?Uh-huh?

Hi, um,
I just have a question

about the
wild Atlantic salmon special.

Mm-hmm?

You mean
"farm-raised salmon,"
right?

Uh, no, it's wild salmon.

Oh, okay.

Well, just so that you know
and so that the chef knows,

there is
no wild Atlantic salmon
at this time of year.

With all due respect, ma'am,
actually, there is.

It was delivered fresh today.

Oh, yeah, no, I have no doubt

that what you have
was delivered today.

It's just not
wild Atlantic salmon

because that doesn't exist
this time of year.

Maybe it was frozen.

No, there's no wild salmon
in the North Atlantic, period.

I'm just being kind
to give her an out.

And I appreciate that,

but the chef says
it is wild Atlantic salmon,

so somehow they got it.

Perhaps from Spain.

Well, that would be
wild Atlantic "thalmon,"
no?

[LAUGHS]Uh, I wanna
have the rib eye.

Mm-hmm.Medium rare

with creamed spinach.

Great, I am positive

that the spinach is running
this time of year.

[CHUCKLES]

And for you, ma'am?

Um, I think I'm gonna have...

The farmed salmon special.

Mm-hmm.

Did you just write
"wild salmon"?

No.

It looked
like you wrote a "W."

I'm gonna put your order in.

Well, she was
a little snitty.

[CHUCKLES]
Just trying to help.

♪ ♪

Well, turns out
people with kids
can be assholes too.

Didn't go so well, huh?

Yeah, I figured when
you didn't return
any of my voicemails.

Oh, no, I... I still don't
know how to check messages
on this stupid drug phone.

Ah, see, I told you.
You should have
gone with the ZR9.

Checking messages is a cinch
with their visual voicemail.

Okay, well,
to answer your question,
tonight was terrible.

It was awful.

I'd rather
put the kid up for adoption

than sit through
another date like that.

Okay, well, don't let one
bad date get you down.

You know, it's like they say.

Plenty of other fish
in the sea.

Not according to her.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, Mike, those speakers
take ten minutes to hook up.

What am I doing here
this early?

I understand you're
finally considering
adoption for Clyde.

Who told you that?I promised I wouldn't say.

It was Ben.

I'm gonna k*ll him.

Fine. But first,
come into my office.

I want to introduce you
to a local couple

who are hoping
to grow their family.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Look, it's just
an introduction.

No.

Sam, I know you have Clyde's
best interests at heart.

What harm can there
possibly be in weighing
all the options?

Hmm?

Allow me
to introduce Baby Clyde.

Uh-uh.Yeah, wait a second.

Uh, we didn't realize
he was the father.

Oh, I'm not the father.
I'm the brother.

Ooh, this could be
a real deal-breaker,
Father.

You are definitely
not getting your
full finder's fee.

MIKE: Uh...
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

I made it very clear
that I'm not benefiting
personally financially.

Any fees would go
directly to the church.

Well, through me.

Trev, I think we should go
with the original plan

and look into children
in Malawi.

Mm, I suppose
they are more in need.

Eh, let's not be hasty.

Trust me,
this child is in
grave need.

Little Clyde
is being raised
by a single janitor

with a long history
of addiction

and antisocial
behavior.

Without a nurturing
support system,

this baby is destined
to follow suit.

Okay, first of all,
I'm standing right here,

and second of all,
he's doing pretty good
with me.

"He"? [LAUGHS]
Wow, wow.

So we're assigning
pronouns now?

Hmm.What?

What makes you think
you know their
preferred pronouns?

I just thought the penis
was a pretty good clue.

Uh, we believe
in raising children

gender-neutral
until they're five

and can decide which gender,
if any, they identify with.

Okay, Mike,
thank you for
trying to help.

We can consider
this option weighed,

and you know what?

Clyde stays with me.

I'm keeping him.

You don't know
it's a "him"!

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hell of a day to be late.
This is the big dance.

I'm sorry,
I was up all night
writing songs.

Where's the band?Right here.

What?

Come on, do you guys have
any musical experience at all?

Hell, yeah. I used to play
with Pure Prairie League.

Really?

Okay, you caught me
in a lie.

New Guy,
why didn't you
call Roger?

He's an actual drummer.

He passed.

Okay, you know what?
I can't... I can't do this.

I can't do this.
I have no songs.

It's raining.
There's no band.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look at me.

You gotta trust me.

I'll take care of everything.

Remember where you were
when I first discovered you?

Raising a baby
and putting videos online
like some webcam whore.

Now look at you.

What? What...
What is it?

You... You don't
like the band?[SIGHS]

Okay, watch this.
You guys are fired.

Aww, come on.
I've been practicing for
three whole days. Look.

Out!

Get the f*ck out!

S-see you tomorrow night.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

You see?

It's me and you, baby.

Always has been...

Always will be.

I'll see you later.

♪ ♪

ALL: Yeah!

Yes!Take that, clown!

Stevie, I've been
looking for you.

CLAIRE: Guys!

Hey, I need a break over here!

[SHRIEKS]All right, Claire! [LAUGHS]

Hey, you are
a god, man.

What?The Toto.

My assh*le's
not in Kansas anymore.

[LAUGHS]Best purchase
of my life.

Well, I'm glad
it worked out for you.

Yeah, man,
I cranked that puppy
up to ten.

sh*t, Jesus Christ.

Mugs, have you read
the instructions?

I've had the Toto for a while.
I haven't taken it past three.

That thing will
shred your assh*le,
all right?

Unless you've been
to prison.

Okay, well,
I'm a little sore,

but I am clean
as a whistle.

CLOUD: Whistles
are rather dirty.

You know, full of spit
and bacteria.

I'm talking about
a train whistle, Cloud.

Oh.

Anyway, check these, uh,
babies out, huh?

Yeah. [LAUGHS]Yeah.

I haven't had
the rectal confidence

to wear white pants
since the '80s.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Please.

For the love of God,
Loudermilk, can you
take my place?

[SHRIEKS]

[GASPS, SCREAMS]
f*ck you, you little sh*t!

Ha-ha!

If you haven't noticed,
I have a baby here.
Where's Ben?

[SIGHS]
Backstage, I think.

[PANTING] Look, Loudermilk,
can you please take my spot?
I'm dying here.

Let me think about it.

[SCREAMS][ALL LAUGH]

[SCREAMING]

ALL:
♪ This little light of mine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ Let it shine,
let it shine, let it shine ♪

Hey, why the f*ck
did you tell Father Mike

I was putting Clyde up
for adoption?

I can't do it, Sam.

You see these nuns?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

They're crushing it.What are you talking about?

They're nuns.
You'll be fine.

I got nothing.

I stayed up all night
trying to write songs

and all I ended up
with was crap.

What about the song Claire
played us at the meeting?

Oh, great, yeah.
The one you hated.

I didn't hate it,
I just pointed out

that it didn't make
any g*dd*mn sense.

You had a lion
and a penguin...
[STAMMERS]

A lot of songs
don't make sense, okay?

Pinball Wizard.

It's about a blind kid
who plays pinball using
only his sense of smell.

[APPLAUSE]

It's like if Helen Keller's
a pool shark.

Makes no sense.

Follow that,
Slob Dylan.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

MAN: Rock and roll!

[MIC FEEDBACK]Are we ready to sing?

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHS] I said,

"Are we ready to sing?"

ALL: Yeah!

[APPLAUSE]

♪ There's many kinds
of animals

♪ And all of them are friends

♪ Like wolves and hamsters
and manta rays

♪ And even barnyard hens

♪ But of all these
animal buddies

♪ Two are close as kin

♪ The strong and noble lion

♪ And the trustworthy penguin

♪ ♪

♪ The lion and the penguin
are best friends

♪ Side by side in the forest
like bookends

♪ The penguin helps the lion
comb his hair

♪ And the lion
protects the penguin

♪ From the polar bear

So when Father Mike told me
the church might be closing,

I said, "Something
has to be done."

I don't know if you're aware,
but we also run
a soup kitchen...

That's nice,
but you left like


telling me
that there's an emergency.

Oh, so losing
the soup kitchen
for crackheads

isn't an emergency to you?

They may not have teeth,
but they still have to eat.

Hey, f*ck-stick!

I want my money
for the slip-and-fall!

Wait right there.

I just have to confer
with a client.

Charlie, I told you,
we lost that case.

You lost.

I did exactly
what you told me to do.

Oh, no, you didn't.
They have that video
of you at the salad bar

spilling ranch dressing
on the ground.

Is it against the law
to be clumsy?
I want my money.

Charlie, can we please
take this up another time?

What?

Are you running a racket
on the brunette too?

Make sure you get paid
up front, lady!

♪ The lion plays poker with kangaroo

♪ And the penguin was married to a goat named Sue

♪ But in the divorce she got the igloo

♪ At first
the penguin was resentful

♪ But then he pulled through

♪ It's not that
the goat's a bad person

♪ She's just different
than you

♪ Or maybe she's not and it's just a timing issue

♪ And that's a song
about animal friends ♪

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hey, what do you think?

Yeah, it was all right.

Well, that was fun,
the other night.

Especially when you said
my profession was basically
a waste of time.

I don't think
I said "basically."

Hey, again,
it was a real blast.

In fact, I reviewed it.

"Paid little to no attention
to my needs,

"was argumentative
and slow to return calls,

"flirted openly
with the waitress.

I will not be
dating here again."

Hmm.

Still gave me
three stars.

Well, I like
that you're into archery.

[PHONE ALERT BEEPING]

[PHONE ALERTS BEEPING]

The hell's going on?It's an AMBER alert.

[PHONE BUZZING]

What?

I didn't get an
AMBER alert.
[GRUNTS]

[PETE YORN'S IDOLSPLAYING]

♪ ♪

♪ Understudy
of a main attraction

♪ Kicking everything
to the side

♪ Ever wondered 'bout
your sleeping habits?

♪ We won't ever have to
say good-bye

♪ ♪

♪ We won't ever have to
say good-bye

[VOCALIZING]

♪ ♪

♪ Understudy
of a main attraction

♪ Kicking everything
to survive

♪ Never wondered 'bout your
sleeping habits

♪ We don't ever have to
say good-bye ♪