03x04 - Hit Me Baby One More Time

[bunniefuu]

I don't have time today.

All I do is mop floors
so I can support these
two bald assholes.

Oh, I'm the problem.

I understand you're
finally considering
adoption for Clyde.

I know several
excellent families

who are actively looking.

Uh-uh.

Well, you know how
I've been trying to
connect with my kids.

Two of them
haven't called me
in a couple of weeks.

Did you call them back?That's not my place.

It's exactly your place.

I'm supposed to
call them when
they don't call me back?

CLAIRE: Yeah, you are.Yes.

You call and you call
and you call

and you keep calling,

and if they don't call you
back, that's on them.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Does anybody know
any good coffee shops?

Let's see.
Coffee in Seattle.

Nope.
[CHUCKLES]

[MOCKS LAUGHING]

Listen, I know
they're everywhere,

but I'm having coffee
with my daughter Cappy

and I'm looking
for the perfect place.

You mean Latte?

Cappy.

Cappy is Latte's
older sister.

Oh, please tell me Cappy
is short for Cappuccino.

f*ck you.

McDonald's
has good coffee.

Don't take her to McDonald's.
How about Sounds and Grounds?

No, no, no.
There's too much
music there.

I... I don't need
Jackson Browne

singing about a horse
with no name

while I'm trying
to talk to my daughter.

What?
I don't think that was
Jackson Browne.

Whatever. I also
don't want people

being loud in the corner
doing their poetry.

Oh, how far away
is love's first kiss?

Yeats?

Said the large-jugged
cheerleader from Ole Miss.

Not Yeats.MUGSY: Anyway.

[STUTTERS] All I'm saying is
I don't want a coffee place

where everybody's
on their cell phones
and their computers

sending and receiving
their facsimiles.

Uh, facsimiles?

Are you taking
her back in time?

Look, it sounds
like you don't
need a coffee shop.

Maybe you can take her
to a park bench

and bring some coffee
with you.

From McDonald's.

Cloud, what do you have?
Stock in McDonald's?

It's really good coffee.

Why don't you just
take her for lunch
at a nice restaurant?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Too much pressure.

Trying to think
about stuff to talk about
for an entire meal

No, coffee shop.

You have a couple of sips,

and if you're not feeling it,
you cut bait.

She's not a Tinder date.
She's your daughter.

That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.

Really? Sadder than a guy
who walks out on his family

and spends a decade
at the bottom of a bottle

who's now being judged
by a former meth head?

Who doesn't like
McDonald's coffee.

[SCOFFS]

Uh, full disclosure,

I do have a little Mickey D's
in my portfolio.

[FRANZ FERDINAND'S
STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]

♪ ♪

I hate this f*cking game.
What am I doing here?

You said you'd play
if I got to
five months sober

twice in the
same year.

Okay, can we just
get it over with?

You know, I never
really understood
the appeal of golf.

Especially without alcohol.

But, uh, today
I... I kind of get it.

Yeah, having some laughs
with friends, right?

Yeah, you're out
amongst nature.

You got exercise,
fresh air.

All right, skins game.
Buck a hole with carryovers.

All right.No idea what
that means,

but a buck a hole,
no one's getting hurt.
I'm in.

Yeah, and if you get
a hole in one,

you've got to give
everyone a blowjob,

and if it's close,
we can give it to you.

Uh-oh.

Wait, wait, wait.

How... How close is,
uh, is close?

Ed, he's joking.

Oh, yeah.
Right, right.

'Cause it would have
to be in the hole, right?

Ooh.Whoa.

Tony, follow that.

You're up, Loudermilk.

[SIGHS]

[FLATULENCE]

Okay, ha-ha-ha-ha.

Very funny.
Obviously I get that back.

That's a mulligan,
I believe it's called.

Hey, hey, there's no
mulligans in golf.

This is a gentlemen's game.
You play by the rules.

I'm not hip
to all the rules,

but farting during another
player's backswing?

That can't be considered
gentlemanly.

USGA rules on etiquette,
section two,
Behavior on the Course,

clearly states a player
should not disturb another

by talking, moving,
or making unnecessary noise.

Exactly.
I go again.

Unnecessary noise.

Unnecessary.

Mugsy, was that
fart necessary?

Absolutely.

Yeah, I had one of those
cauliflower whole roasted
brain things last night,

loaded with garlic.

Plus I'm getting together
with my daughter,

and it's making my stomach
feel kind of funky.

So necessary?

A noise deemed necessary.
Thus, ipso facto.

Therefore, and ergo,
the drive stands.

You're hitting three.
Now keep your head down.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Whoa!

[YELLS]

What the hell?
You nearly k*lled us!

Oh, relax, sweetheart.
It barely touched ya.

He hit me on the ankle, and
don't you call me sweetheart.

You're unbelievable.

Okay, everybody.
Come on.

Let's... Let's relax.
It's not a big deal.
Let's all calm down.

Ma'am, I'm sorry
that my ball

accidentally brushed up
against your foot, okay?

I'm new to the game.
I'm not a great golfer.

You're supposed
to yell "fore."

Even
when it's rolling?

Yes, and you shouldn't be
on the course

if you don't understand
golf etiquette.

You people shouldn't
be trusted with clubs.

Well, I admit, I...
I don't know
the game's vagaries,

but since you do,
maybe you can help me
out with this one...

What's the rule on farting
during another player's
backswing?

That's a mulligan,
right?

Necessary fart.

Your ball hit my wife,

and I demand
that you apologize
to her immediately.

Or what,
you're gonna slap me
with a glove

and challenge me
to a duel?

I just said I'm sorry,
that's the pulp of an apology.

But I'll say it again.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you took
a vicious dribbler
to the foot,

and I hope everything
works out with the fire.

[SCOFFS]What fire?

Well, obviously,
your house
was burning down

and you just threw on
anything you could

as you ran out
the door, right?

You're an assh*le.

Wait, you can't call him
an assh*le.

I demandeth
an apology.

[MUGSY CHUCKLES]

I'm not really
Willie Nelson.

[LAUGHTER]

All right, look out.

[CHEERS]There you go.

Oh, what is this sh*t?

Oh, dear.
This is not good.

That's them, officers.
The ones that assaulted us.

What?
Assaulted you?

Yeah, assaulted us.That's ridiculous.

These ladies said you hit
them with a golf ball,

verbally harassed them...Yeah.

And then made
h*m* comments

about their husbands'
clothing.

I made h*m*...
She's projecting that.

And what... What gay man
would actually wear that?

Hey, you gals
need to relax.Gals?

Don't call us gals,
you sexist jerk.

Uh, okay,
so now gals is sexist?

Do you believe
these broads?

Hey tough guy,
control your wife.

Oh, what the f*ck?
Ow.

That's it.
You're all under arrest.

You can't arrest us.
You... You're golf cops.

Actually, this is, uh,
Seattle PD.

Hey, Leanne,
it's been awhile.

Edward,
you know the drill.

You... You really wanna file
the paperwork on this mess?

No.

Too late.
Cuff 'em all.

Let a judge
work it out.

Thank God.

Does this mean
we're done golfing?

♪ Such a foolish

♪ Way to be ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

Hey, I am so sorry
I'm late.

You are not gonna believe
what happened.

Let me guess.

You got arrested
for doing something stupid.

♪ ♪

No.
No, it was like...

It's a long story,
don't worry about it.

Listen, I am so happy
that you wanted to
get together today.

I've really been looking
forward to this.

Yeah. Me too.Yeah.

Yeah.

Um...

So what's new with you?

Well, I finally
graduated last month.

I thought you graduated
a few years ago.

That was high school.
This is college.

You went to college?
Uh, yeah, I remember that.

I mean, everything
is happening so fast,
you know?

So what did you study?IT.

Information technology.

Yes, IT.

Yes.

Just computer stuff, Dad.

Wow.

I am so proud of you.

You're working
with computers.

Hey, maybe that Steve Gates
will hire you.

Well, I hope
someone does.

I've gotten by resume out
to a few companies,

and I've got
some interviews lined up.

Hey, why don't I buy you
a dress for your interviews?

Or a suit.Or a suit.

Yeah, pantsuit.

Nothing says
smart business lady
like a nice pantsuit.

Sure, Dad.
I'd love that.

Hey, I'm going pantsuit
shopping with my daughter.

How about that?

[SOFT MUSIC]

Huh, let me see
if I got this right.

Ladies, you're being
charged with as*ault,

and gentlemen, you're being
cited with disorderly conduct.

Your Honor, I'd request
that you consider dropping

the as*ault charges
against my clients

and look at
the real issue here.

The fact that these men
were harassing these ladies
on the golf course.

My clients were just enjoying
an afternoon on the links

when these women,
for no reason,

physically att*cked them.

They were provoked by the
men's lack of golf decorum

which was compounded
by their rude behavior.

Oh, so you're saying that
the appropriate response

to poor golf etiquette
and rude behavior

is to go all Mrs. Tiger Woods
with a nine iron

on my client's face?

Seven iron.

Don't interrupt me.We're under oath.

Hitting a man
with a golf club is as*ault!

These women should
be locked up.

And for that matter,
so should Mrs. Tiger Woods.

How's she still on the street?

I'll tell you how...
She's hot!

And with all due respect,
Your Honor,

these women register a little
lower on the thermometer.

Are you implying...

Your Honor,
justice is not blind.

They're fours at best,
and therefore I contend,

if they're not hot,
in jail they must rot.

Objection.
Irrelevant.

My clients' looks
are not on trial.

If we're fours, your clients
are negative fours.

Except for one of them.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Objection sustained,
and don't rhyme in my court!

Well, okay, but that's gonna
seriously impact my summation.

Ladies, did you hit one
of these men with a golf club?

Yes, I did, Your Honor,
but it was in self-defense.

Was he attacking you?Verbally.

Well, did anyone
thr*aten you?

They hit a golf ball at me
and didn't yell "fore."

I consider that a thr*at.

Well, did anybody verbally
thr*aten to harm you?

Not verbally in words.

Well, you can't just swing
a golf club at someone.

That's as*ault.

Ma'am, I'm thinking it
would be beneficial for you

to take an anger
management class

before stepping back
onto a golf course.

There you go.
Case closed.

No, it isn't.

What about his pain
and suffering?

New Guy, let...
Let's just get
out of here.

I am not going anywhere
until justice is served!

The charges against your
clients will be dropped.

Does that alleviate
their pain and suffering?

Hell no!

This man has been
emotionally scarred.

His wife offered him
a club sandwich yesterday

and he burst into tears.

And this man,
who almost k*lled his ex-wife
in a drunk driving accident,

may never get
to play the game
of golf again.

I'm fine with that.

And these gentlemen,
both raging alcoholics,

can't even order
an Arnold Palmer,

the most popular
nonalcoholic drink.

And all because we ran
into these pushy broads.

Um, I'm... I'm sorry.
What did you call them?

Am I still under oath?Yes, you are.

Um, pushy broads?Objection.

Your Honor, I ask that
my client's testimony

be stricken from the record

because he was hit in the head
with a seven iron,

and thus is speaking
like an assh*le.

Overruled,
and watch your mouth,
Counsel.

[SIGHS]

Well, clearly these men
have no respect for women.

So I'm ordering Tony
and his three friends

to take a women's sensitivity
counseling seminar.

W... Women's
sensitivity?

Can't we just
go back to jail?

Be careful what you wish for.
I can be a pushy broad too.

[RAPS GAVEL]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

So how was
your job interview?

Did they like the pantsuit?

It went really well, Dad,
and the pantsuit was a hit.

I felt very confident.

So did they offer you
the job?

Not yet.
I have a second interview

with the vice president
tomorrow.

No sh*t?

The vice president
of the whole government?

No, no, no.
Of the company.

The VP of the company.

Oh, okay.
Well, that's good.

And then you'll work your
way up to the other guy.

I just can't imagine
some company not wanting you

to run their it department.

Um, hey,
are you free Saturday?

Latte and I, we're gonna go
check out this flea market.

Do you wanna
come with us?

Yeah!

Yes, I...

Oh, ah...
I can't.

I have a class I have
to take this weekend.

A class?

That... That's great.

What kind of class
are you taking?

Math.

M... Math?

Math is in everything.

It's in sports scores,
pumping gas, how many gallons.

It's in banking now.

Math...
It's in everything.

I've got a half-caf
double espresso for Judie!

Half, double.
That's math.

And we have to keep up
with the times.

We have to shift
and grow and...

Hi, you're late.

Uh, sorry.

I was having problems
with the car

when we were driving
over here in my van.

Don't let it happen again

or I add another day
to your session.

Way to make a great first
impression, Nurse Ratchet.

Excuse me,
did you just say something?

Yeah, I said we can
probably fix the carburetor

with a three-quarter inch
ratchet.

Hmm,
you need a screwdriver,
not a ratchet,

to adjust a carburetor.

Uh-oh,
she knows her sh*t.

As I was saying,

welcome to Gender Sensitivity
Training Class.

My name is Ms. Colleen
O'Donnell-DeJesus.

Uh-oh, two names.
That's a giant red flag.

Sorry?

Oh, it's just I'm...
I'm a little leery of people

with hyphens
in their names.

Anheuser-Busch?

Touche.

Briggs & Stratton.

That's not hyphenated,
and that's not a person.

I think it's
an accounting firm.

No, it's an
internal combustion engine.

Now she's just
showing off.

What are your concerns about
a person with two last names?

Oh, it just makes me
kind of nervous,

'cause I don't know which one
is your maiden name

and which one is
your husband's name.

I just don't want
to offend anyone.

DeJesus is my family name,

O'Donnell is my partner's
family name.

Partner?
Wait, wait...

LOUDERMILK: Don't.No.

Wait a minute.Mm-mm, don't.

You're saying you live
with a woman and not a man?

Correct.

Okay, so and you're going
to counsel us men
on how to live with women.

It seems like you only know
half the story, no?

Yeah, he's right.
What makes you qualified to
teach us men-and-women stuff

if you haven't actually
been in the trenches?

Trenches?
Trust me,
she's been in...

Nuh-uh, look.

I... I want to apologize
for these guys, okay?

And maybe shed a little light
on their behavior.

Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk,
also a licensed counselor.

Ah, you have a degree
in counseling, Mr. Loudermilk?

I... Uh, it's not
a degree,

but I'm certified
by Sober Friends

to counsel people
with addiction issues.

Sober Friends?
Isn't that the AA rip-off?

Yeah.Okay.

So that's not really
applicable here,

but thank you,
Mr. Loudermilk.

Well, the thing is, okay,
the four of us,

we're just here because
of a giant misunderstanding.

I don't actually have
any issues with women.

Me neither.
I love women.

Yeah, me too.
I got an $8,000 one
in my closet.

Uh, he... That's fake.Oh, she doesn't feel fake.

He... Trust me.
It's just better this way.

Are you guys trying
to fail this class?

Wait, are you saying...
We're getting grades?

The point is,
Ms. O'Donnell-DeJesus,

I don't need this class,

and these guys,
as you can see,
are way too far gone.

All right, not to mention
they have bigger problems

they should be
working on first.

So counselor to counselor,

if you could just
sign our slips for the court,

we'll be out of your hair.

I would think that as
a fellow licensed counselor,

Mr. Loudermilk, you would
understand how unprofessional

it would be for me
to sign off on a student
without giving guidance.

Well, I couldn't
agree more.

Except I've also found
that counseling only works

when people really want it.

And I have found that
if a judge thinks
you need my class,

then you probably need
my class.

Excuse me, could you and I
have a quick, private
student-teacher conference?

Why not?

All right,
let's cut the bull.

How much is it gonna cost
for four Jane Hancocks?


Nobody needs to know,
just between us.

You can get something really
nice for the little lady.

That's it!

You four fuckbonnets are gonna
spend the entire two days
in my workshop.

Every last second.

You are going
to participate,
learn, grow.

That is the only way
I'm signing those slips.

And even then,
I might not sign them.

Okay, I can do
$200 a guy,

but I'm gonna have to hit
an ATM machine.

Sit your ass down!

So we all understand that
it's not necessarily

what you find offensive,
but what they find offensive.

Yes?

Hey, let's be honest.

We can't say anything
to women anymore
without offending them.

Not true.

No, everything I say to them
seems to piss them off.

Give me an example, Winston.

It's Mugsy.
Mugsy.

Give me an example, Mugsy.

Okay.

Couple of weeks ago,
I'm in the mall

and I see the Channel Five
weather lady.

Weather person.Oh, okay.

See, here we go.
Here we go.

The redhead?Uh-huh.

Yeah,
she always gives me
a warm front.

Sorry, I... I'm still
getting my sea legs here.

So she's standing there.

She's having, like,
a pretzel dog or something.

So I walk up to her

and I... I say,
"Hey, I'm a fan."

And I tell her that she's
the most beautiful

of all
the weather-people-persons...

And she sh**t daggers at me.

But you do understand how
that's objectifying her, yes?

Making her feel like an object
rather than a person?

By telling her
she's beautiful?

No, I...
I don't understand that.

I-if some woman came up
to me and told me
that I was handsome

and that I had
a nice package,

I'd be like,
"Hey, aren't you sweet?"

Well, that would be
wrong too.

On many levels.

I'm saying,
that's how she got the job.

That's why she's on TV...
Because she's beautiful.

You... You ever see
an ugly weather lady?

No. No,
they're all gorgeous.

They all have, like,
hot, tight dresses.

They're pointing around
talking about
bariatric pressure

and 40% chance of rain and...

But... But if I mention
that she's beautiful,
I'm the pig.

This.

This is why
you guys are here.

Toxic masculinity.

Who...

You're here
for a reason too, pal.

That's true.

My fiancee, Hannah,
asked me to take
this seminar

before we get married
because she was concerned

that I may not be
as sensitive

to her feelings
as I should be.

MUGSY: Oh, f*ck you.

You don't need
to be here?

I want to be here.

Jesus, you got any room
in those skinny jeans
for a set of balls?

Anthony, please.

All due respect,
Ms. O'Donnell De La Hoya,

this kid's gonna get creamed
once he gets married.

You can't just bend over
like that from the get-go.

It's called "pegging,"

and it's an exercise
in female empowerment.

So you're saying...No, no, no, no, no.

Let the boy finish.

I just mean
you gotta open
yourself up.

Give and take a little.

True masculinity
is not defined by
who's being penetrated.

Oh, Lord,
why dost thou test me?

[MELLOW MUSIC]

♪ ♪

So, how's the
class going, Dad?

Are you learning
a lot about math?

Oh, uh, yeah, a ton.

Like a thousand pounds' worth.[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

But, hey, more importantly...

Did they offer you the job?

They did.

That's fantastic, honey.

So, when do you start?

Actually,
I'm not gonna take it.

W-why?

Did he hit on you?

Tell me he did not hit on you.He didn't hit on me.

No, you be honest with me,

because I'll go down there
and I'll straighten it out.

He didn't hit on me, Dad.
He was very professional.

Then wh-why aren't you
taking the job?

It's the offer.
It was too low.

Oh, sweetheart.

That's the way it works.

You gotta pay your dues.

You show them
how great you are

and then later on,
they throw you a ton of money.

Well, they offered
my friend Miles a job too,

but his pay
was 20% more than mine.

Maybe they gave him
a different job,

or maybe he's
a bit more qualified.

Nope.Different school?

Classmates, and my grades
were better than his.

Okay, well,
there had to be a reason.

There was: he's a man.

He got offered 20% more
than me because he's a man.

Okay, just look at it
this way:

the boss didn't hit on you,

so that's probably worth


for you not to have
to deal with that.

Are you hearing yourself
right now?

What?

You're saying I should pay
to not get harassed?

I'm trying
to be supportive here.

Listen, I know it's not right,
but that's the real world.

It's not the real world.

It's a fake world
that men created

to keep
the glass ceiling intact.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
I'm hearing this from you.

I'm sorry, I...
I thought you wanted this job.

I did.Well, then don't give up.

Don't lecture me
about giving up.

You weren't around when
Mom was juggling three jobs,

raising your kids,
and making three-quarters

of what the men
who had the exact
same job were making.

You don't get it
'cause you've never had
to tolerate harassment

in fear of losing a job
that you needed,

and now you're
clueless enough to tell me
to just take the job

and pay the difference
by not being harassed.

You know what,
you're no better

than the guy
who made me the offer.

Okay, we are going to
discuss gender bias

and avoiding
gender stereotypes

in an effort to become
more gender-blind
in our daily lives.

The hell is she saying?

Can someone explain to Tony
what gender blindness is?

Uh, may I?Please go ahead, Ed.

Uh, well, Tony,

uh, gender blindness
would be like if you...

You go to get a massage
and you want a happy ending,

and they give you
a guy massager

but you don't
say anything.

Okay.

Can someone give us
a legal example?

Uh, gender blindness

is when you don't identify
people by gender.

They're not "man"
or they're not "woman."

They're just people.

Very good, Sam.

Did you know that women
make less money than men?

So? We have more expenses.
And we pay for the dates.

And the rubbers.

All right, you guys
just don't f*cking get it.

Please... Continue, Mugsy.

I have a daughter,

and she's smart.

She's smarter
than most men.

She's smarter than everybody
here, that's for sure.

It's not a high bar.

And she just
got offered a job,

and they want to pay her
$15,000 less

than her classmate, a man,

for the same exact position.

[CHUCKLES]
"Position."

Ah, come on.
Grow the f*ck up, Ed.What?

This is serious sh*t.

Did you know
that women make 70%

of what most men make
for the same job?

And I know that's true
'cause I did a Google on it.

Yep.

Well, it's not right,

and we should be ashamed.

There should be a law!I think there is a law.

Well, then, how come
they don't enforce it?

That's a very good question.

No offense,
but I got enough problems

without worrying about
everybody else's paycheck.

That's because you only care
about yourself, Tony, okay?

You don't respect women.Oh, yeah?

Why don't you
stick around one
for a few years

and then get back to me
about respect?

Hey, hey, f*ck you.f*ck you.

Okay, guys, cool it.
Remember why we're here.

We're here because Tony
can't go through ten minutes

of a court case
without insulting a woman.

She hit me in the head
with a f*cking golf club.

I don't blame her.

You know, his daughter
gets one bad job offer

and he goes all
"MeToo" on us.

Hey, f*ck you.f*ck you.

I'm gonna do my own
"MeToo" thing.

Why should it
just be about women?It's not just for women.

It's not for women at all.

It's for us.
It's to change us.

You know, all these movements,
all this "new world" stuff...

Maybe it'll help us
be better fathers

and husbands
and brothers and...

People.

And that, my friends,

is what gender blindness
is all about.

♪ ♪

[LATCH CLICKS]

Hey, Deb.

Is, uh, Cappy home?

What are you doing here?

I'm here
to talk to my daughter.

Haven't you said
enough already?

Really?

Take a lower salary
to not get hit on?

Are you a complete idiot?

Don't answer that.

That's a rhetorical question.

"Rhetorical."

It means, "don't answer that."

Hey, hey, hey.

What's this?

A women's sensitivity class.

You took
a women's sensitivity class?

Yeah, took and completed.

Why does it say
"court ordered"?

No, that's only if
there's a check next to it,

and as you can see,
there's not.

Hey...

[SIGHS]

I've been thinking
about what I told Cappy,

and I was wrong,
and I want to talk to her.

I wanna talk to my daughter.

Hey, honey.

Hey, Dad.

So it wasn't a math class.

I'm sorry, Capp.

[SIGHS]

I'm a giant f*ck-up.

[SNIFFLES]
I f*cked up my marriage...

I f*cked up
my family...

And I f*cked up
your childhood.

No, you didn't, Dad.

Yes, I did.
[SNIFFLES]

It was the booze...

[SIGHS]

It hurt me,
and it hurt me bad.

But it hurt you more.

It hurt all of us.
[SNIFFLES]

But it didn't k*ll me,
and that is a blessing

because that means
I still have a chance to grow.

For as long as I live,

I... I swear to God,
I'm gonna keep growing.

I promise you...
I promise all of you...

[SNIFFLES]
I'm gonna keep growing.

[SNIFFLES]

[MELANCHOLY ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ For once

♪ I didn't go home
after shift

♪ Called my wife and said

♪ I'd be late

♪ ♪

♪ And every day

♪ It gets harder

♪ To go home

♪ I rode with a guy from work
named Ronnie

♪ ♪

♪ Never been
to his house before ♪