03x08 - Resurrection Shuffle

[bunniefuu]

We all had terrible
childhoods, okay?

I had one,
my father had one,
you had one,

and your kid's
gonna have one.

No, he's not 'cause this
f*cked-up Loudermilk legacy
ends right here.

Is everything okay,
Loudermilk?

My dad d*ed.

So I need you to go

to this Sober Friends meeting
and pretend to be me.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Do you mind if I sit in?

Hey, look,
it's a new New Guy.

One time, I sold the family
schnauzer to some neighbors
for extra dope money.

There's not a bad song
on there,

even though, eight years ago,
for some reason,

I crapped all over it.

I don't think she's ever
put out another album.

BEN: How do you know
where she lives?

LOUDERMILK:
'Cause I followed her
home from work.

You're not Lizzy Poole.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh, I got your tummy
in my hand.

Oh, there's our bus.

Hold up. You gotta take
the baby out of the stroller.

What? Why?

For his safety.

Well, wouldn't he
be less safe

not strapped in
while riding on the bus?

I don't make the rules.

[SCOFFS]
Come on!

It's like wrestling
an angry wet ham

trying to keep him
strapped down.

Can I please just leave
the baby in here?

You want to ride on the bus,
you gotta take him out.

All right, buddy,
come here.

Let's get you
out of there.

There we go.

And up we go.

Oh, heads up.

Whoa, that was epic.

I can't wait
to check the footy.

Yeah, yeah,
epic footy.

Sorry, did I
scare your grandson?

My grandson?
What the... No.

This is my... It's
my roommate's brother.

How old is your roommate?

Well, that's a really
good question.
I should know this.

He's... Okay, the reason...
Okay,

they have an old-ass dad
who had a one-night stand

with a somewhat
skanky waitress,
didn't he?

And then...
It's a long story.
Forget it.

It's already forgotten,
dude.

[BUS BRAKES HISS]

Ah, you made me
miss my bus!

f*ck, I was already
late for his doctor's
appointment.

Dude, chill.
I'll take care of it.

Aren't you
a little old to be

barrel-assing around
on a revved-up kiddie scooter?

I'm cutting
carbon emissions, bro.

One block at a time,
I'm saving the city.

Uh, no,
Batman is saving the city.

You guys are littering
the sidewalks with these.

Now let's get this
little brother to doctor.

Guess this means
I'm Robin, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

You know, I gotta say,
this is safer than the bus.

[FRANZ FERDINAND'S
STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]

♪ ♪

♪ Frere Jacques,
frere Jacques

♪ Dormez-vous?
Dormez-vous?

♪ Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines

♪ Ding, ding, dong, ding, ding, dong

♪ Frere Jacques... ♪

Okay, okay, when is Jacques
gonna wake the f*ck up?

Hey, hey, hey,
sponge brain, remember?

Besides,
he likes my singing.

Well, keep it
down, okay?

I'm on hold
with the bank.

Somebody's
been charging sh*t
to my credit card.

I'm trying to get help.

Yeah, well, you work
at the bank. Can't you
just go down there?

I did. They told me
to call the 800 number.

Oh, okay,
and they're helping you?

No, they told me
to go to the bank,

so I yelled at 'em
and now I'm on hold.

You see, that's another
thing with the yelling.

You can't do that.
It's bad for Clyde's ears.

What about your singing?

That's probably
stunting his growth.

No, he loves it.
Don't you, boy?

And, you know,
music is good for babies.

It helps them
grow their brain cells.

Great, great.
Go put on some
Pink Floyd, right,

or Travis Scott or J.I.D.

The f*ckin'
ding-ding-dong song
is k*lling my brain cells.

Big brothers
are the worst,
aren't they?

Yeah, I know.[KNOCK AT DOOR]

♪ Someone's knocking,
someone's knocking ♪

Let's hope it's child
services with a gag order.

Hi.Hi.

Sorry, I'm late. It's just,
you know, everything.

So, Sam, did your buddy
have a great morning?

Yeah, he did. He ate
a big bowl of cereal
and napped,

took an enormous dump that
he was very, very proud of.

Wow. Good job, Clyde.

No, I'm talking
about Ben.

I'm doing a cleanse.

Have you ever
done a cleanse?

I have done a cleanse.
It's amazing.

Isn't it? I mean,
you would not believe

the things that came slipping
out of me this morning.

Okay, okay.
Now that we have a consensus
on how amazing cleanses are,

can we table
the discussion
until never?

Yeah, just as well
because I am late.

I am really, really late.

I thought you were
done with work.

Oh, I have to work
a double today,
so I got to get Clyde home.

So who's gonna watch him?Oh, I got it covered.

Little Brittany
from across the hall.

Is little Brittany
an adult?

No, but
her boyfriend is.

Who? Huh?

Herb. He's very mature.

His name is Herb?Yeah.

And you want to hear
something funny?

He sells herb
for a living.

And he looks exactly
like Billy Bob Thornton,

but he doesn't
smile as much.

Oh, yeah,
that's funny.

Now, does Herb... Erb...
Erb have, uh, any
childcare experience?

No, but Brittany
takes care of Clyde,

and Herb usually
just comes over
to use my computer.

You know what?
Maybe just leave
Clyde here.

Oh, I can't keep
doing that to you guys.

Besides, you have
your group tonight.

Anyways,
thanks so much,
you guys.

Say bye, Clyde.

Bye.Bye-bye.

Bye, Clydie.

Bye! Bye-bye! Bye.

Aw, it really does
take a village,
doesn't it?

That's us.
Isn't this great?

No, not for Clyde,
it isn't.

The poor kid's getting
bounced all over town
like a hot potato

to whoever happens
to be free
at the moment.

It's f*ckin' terrible.

WOMAN: Hello,
are you there, sir? Hello, yes.

Okay. Thank you.
Um, so the sit...

Hello? Hello?

g*dd*mn it,
my f*ckin' phone d*ed!

[MELLOW MUSIC]

So I've been running
down all the places
that I used my card,

and I'm pretty sure you guys
photocopied it

when I left a deposit
for the room key.

And, what, you think
I've been using
your credit card?

Well, somebody
who works here maybe?

[SCOFFS]

Now that you mention it,
maybe it's Mrs. Grenger.

I've always suspected
that she was skimming
the poor box

to support her bingo habit.

Really?No.

Of course not, you idiot.
I would never let that happen.

"Thou shalt not steal."
You remember that one?

It's number eight
on my big top ten.

And number six is,
"Thou shalt not
point fingers."

It's the Russians, man.
Trust me.

They're into everything.
That's why I always put tape

on my laptop camera
when I'm watching p*rn.

That's why
I never bother.

If them commies
wanna watch me
punching my Putin,

hey, have at her,
comrade.

I'll show you
m*ssile crisis.

All right, we get it, Ed.
You like Russian p*rn.

It's the Chinese.
They're the ones making

all this
high-tech sh*t,
you know?

Yeah, so they can
spy on us.

Because of our phones,
they got files on everyone.

That's right.
And then when they're done
spying, you take the phone,

you put it in your pocket,
and everybody
gets ball cancer.

Ah!

I guess I dodged
that b*llet.

Ball cancer aside,
it's not a foreigner

who's ripping me off, okay?
It's somebody local.

Look, I got four charges
every Tuesday this month

all at a restaurant right here
in town, the Waldorf.

Hey, hey, I'm not an
espionage expert,

!but aren't we forgetting
about what today is?

It's Tuesday!

So?

Let's go
down to the Waldorf.

Yeah.
You know, I'm sure

that my cleanse
would allow for a cheat meal,

and it would be nice
to get out.

No, we're not going
down there to eat.

We're gonna go see
if the dirtbag is there.

Yeah, catch him in the act
and really kick his ass.

Oh, yeah, an ambush.

Yeah, and while
we're waiting for him,

we can get
some appetizers,

maybe nachos
or chicken strips or...

No, no, no, no.
Focus, focus.

[CHUCKLING]
I'm sorry, guys.

I am so f*cking hungry.

All right, thanks.
I think this is
a very bad idea.

Come on, don't be chickenshit.
Don't you want
to catch this guy?

What are the odds?
He'd be stupid to go

to the same place
five weeks in a row.

Well, that's only


than going four weeks
in a row.



No, no, no.
Four is 20% less than five,

but five is 25%
more than four.
You know that, right?

Huh?Don't worry about it.

Whiz with the numbers.MUGSY: Hey, Loudermilk,

aren't you
the least bit curious?

Yeah, we're not about to go
storming downtown

and charging into some lounge
like it's Little Bighorn.

No offense, Cloud.Huh, none taken.

We won that one.CISCO: Come on, Loudermilk.

Wouldn't it be awesome
to catch this prick?

Well, yeah, I'm up
for another rumble.

I'd come, but I have to go
to the emergency room.

What for?Well, to get
my balls checked.

You really should
install fraud alerts
on your phone, man.

It's not hard.
I can do it for you.

Yeah?Yeah. Let me see your phone.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can't do nothing
with that piece of sh*t, bro.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Good evening.

Are you picking up
and order for Grubhub?

No.Okay.

Are you looking for someone?

Kinda, yeah.
It's a little hard to...

I'm not sure
if they're here yet.

I see. Well, perhaps
you'd like to peruse our menu.

I can take your name,
and if you decide to join us,

I will have a lovely table
ready for you.

Yeah, okay. Great.
It's Loudermilk.

Oh, already
have you in here.

You do?Loudermilk already seated

just right
underneath the palm tree.

Oh, there she is.

Good evening.

Have you, uh, enjoyed
a nice dinner here tonight?

Oh, um, why, yes, yes.

Wasn't bad.

So you like
the place, huh?

Well, it's beautiful,
isn't it?

It's so fancy.Very fancy.

I imagine that's why
you like to come here

every Tuesday night,
am I right?

Um, no.

Actually, this is...
This is my first time here.

Oh, really?

You sure you want to stick
with that story?

Because the paper trail
would imply otherwise.

I... I... I'm not sure
what you're talking about.

I think you know exactly
what I'm talking about.

I'm talking
about the credit card

that you're gonna use to pay
for this dinner tonight.

Well, first of all,
that is none
of your business.

And second,
I'm pretty sure

I'm not paying
for dinner tonight.

If he's any kind of gentleman
at all, my date will be.

Your date?Yeah. He's in the bathroom.

Oh.

Oh, okay, uh...

Well, I'm gonna have to have
a little talk with him then.

Okay.

You tend to date
bigger guys or...

Excuse me.
Is there a problem here?

Yes, there is.Yes, there absolutely is.

This guy is high
or something.

High? Excuse me.

I'll have you know that
I have been clean and sober

for nine months,
three weeks, two days,
twenty hours, and...

System time set.

Okay, sir, maybe we can have
this conversation outside.

No, I don't need
to go outside.

There's a thief at this table.

Sir, please don't make me
call the police.

You should absolutely
call the police

'cause I'm getting
ripped off here every Tue...

Hey, what are you doing?
Get your hands off me.Sir, that's enough.

MAN: Louie, it's okay.
Let him go.

What the f*ck, Dad?
You're alive?

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Boy, the look
on your face.

You should probably check
your shorts for mud.

You're dead!
I gave your f*cking eulogy!

Oh, come on.
Don't act so startled.

You know your old man
is always full of surprises.

This is not a good
surprise, Dad.

Oh, me being alive
is not a good surprise.

What the hell kind
of thing is that to say
to your old man?

I'm leaving.Oh, come on.

Let's go back inside
and sit down.

You want a drink?
I'll buy.

[SHOUTING]
Do I want a drink?

No, I don't
want a f*cking...

How are you even here?

The bigger question is,
what was going on
when I came out of the can?

Seems to me that you were
hitting on my girl, hmm?

Not bad, right?

Yeah, she's lovely.

You pay for her
on my credit card too?

Your credit card?Yeah, my credit card,

the one that you've been
using here every Tuesday
for the last month.

Son of a bitch,
it is yours.

I... I don't have
my reading glasses.

How the f*ck
did you even get that?

I only have
one credit card.

You should always
have a backup.

That's why I called
and ordered you a new one.

But, don't worry, I'll take
this one out of the rotation.

Give me that.

So, what,
you've just been here
in town the whole time?

Nah, I was down
in the Bay Area for a while,

but there was
a misunderstanding.
I had to skedaddle.

So that's it, huh?

The heat was on, and you just
hightailed it out of there.

[LAUGHS] You can't hit
a moving target.

Yeah, just like you
hightailed it

when you found
out about Annette.

Who?Annette.

The waitress that
you slept with in my bed.

You're gonna have
to be more specific.

I was lying right
next to you.

Annette.
Good kid, a real goer.

You should have
gone in on that.

Yeah, Dad, that would be
a cherished family memory

like the three-legged race
in a father-son picnic.

Yeah, we could have been
Eskimo brothers.

Some opportunities
come along

you just have
to take advantage of.

Like the opportunity
to fake your death

instead of raise a kid?Oh, come on.

You were already grown up
when I d*ed.

I'm talking
about your new kid.

What kid?

Don't give me
that sh*t.

You knocked up Annette,
and you f*ckin'
faked your death

to get out of raising
my little brother, Clyde.

Please tell me you're joking.
She had a kid?

Yes.

The waitress?Yes, your kid.

I can't believe this.
I swear to God, I had no idea.

I... I thought my swimmers
went belly up years ago.

Well, okay,
then why did you
fake your death?

Well, because,
at that time,

there were a couple
of issues that...

Okay,
I knew about the kid.

Oh, God damn it!

Are you really
that much of an assh*le?

What much of an assh*le?

That you would run out
on a kid you don't even know?

Okay, maybe I panicked,
but can you blame me?

A kid at my age?
Do you know how old I am?

Yes, I do because I signed
your death certificate.

Look, I couldn't
stick around and deal

with all that crazy sh*t.No, Jack,

'cause you never do,
do ya?

And now there's another
little boy growing up

in the world
without a father.

Oh, he'll be fine.
Look at you.

Yeah, look at me.
Look at me.

I'm a f*ckin'
drug-addicted alcoholic

who shines floors
for a living.

Right, and I was there
for most of the time,

so my being there
wouldn't help the kid any.

You were never there.

Oh, for Christ's sake,
let's not start this again.

Start what, the truth?
Huh?

You think I don't wonder
if I might have turned out
different

if I had a father
who once took me
to a ballgame

or checked my homework

or didn't bet
my college money
on Mike Tyson?

I'd make
that same bet today.

I mean, who the f*ck
is Buster Douglas?

You're a bum, Jack,
you know that?

You're a bum,
and you always have been.

That's not what you said
about me at my funeral.

Some of that stuff you said
really choked me up.

You were there?

Yeah, I was hiding
up in the balcony.

See? I didn't miss
every big event of your life.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You okay?

Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you sure?
'Cause you look
like you're...

Like I've
seen a ghost?

No, like you're f*ckin'
hungover or something.

Holy sh*t,
there's a ghost.

Damn,
it's a new New Guy.

Guys.

Hi, Tom.

Haven't seen you in a while.

Remember me? I'm New Guy.

How have you been?

I'm not doing great,
actually.

I was hoping
to join the group.

But you're not an addict.Yes, I am.

Hey, pal,
don't bullshit us again.

Yeah, you've already
done this once
under false pretentions,

and you know what they say
about the boy who cried about
the wolf in sheep's clothing.

First of all,
that's pretenses,

and you're mixing up
two different boys.

Oh, yeah, ass chin?
Which boys? Which ones?I don't know!

I know why am I...[MOCKING GIBBERISH]

He's the one
who pretended
to be an addict.

Yes, I did, but I'm not
pretending now.

All right, don't
f*ck around, Tom.

What are you doing here?

I need help, man.

Cutter really
screwed me up.

He kept coming to my work
and telling everyone
I was an alcoholic.

I lost my job.

And then, you know,
what he told my coworkers,

word got around town
and nobody would hire me.

So I started drinking a little

and then a lot.

And it was like everything
that he said about me
suddenly was true.

Where is Cutter?I don't know.

He went off the deep end,
deeper end.

He started talking about a
B&E and making a big score,

and I just couldn't...

What's a B&E,
bacon and eggs?

How the hell would
you make a big score
with bacon and eggs?

I don't know,
rob a Denny's?

I think a B&E
is bill of exchange.

No, no, no, it actually
means below the elbow.

I read that
in a fisting chatroom.

I was taking about
breaking and entering.

Anyway, I started avoiding
him, and then when I got

kicked out of my apartment,
we lost touch and...

I don't know what to say.

I'm a drunk.

Okay.

Well, the good news is,
you're here.

So now if you can
just maybe learn

to stop blaming
Cutter for everything

and, uh, maybe
you can grow from this.

Welcome back, Tom.Welcome back.

Welcome back, pal.Welcome back.

I'm assuming you don't
have a sponsor.

No.Okay. Well, gonna need one.

Any takers?

Yeah, yeah,
I'll do it.

I think it would be
good for me to be
responsible for someone.

Responsible
for someone?

You have, like,
a dozen kids.

Hey, that's different.

This is out of
the goodness
of my heart.

That's under
court order.

Thanks, Mugsy,

but I was thinking
it might be wiser

if I had someone
who could
understand me better,

um, someone like Stevie.

Whoa, I'm confused.

Why would Stevie understand
you better than Mugsy?

You're a drunk
and a liar.

That's two things
Mugsy knows very well.

Thank you, Roger.I'm sure you do, no offense.

I just... If I'm gonna be
completely honest here,

I just still think
Stevie is a better
fit for me.

Why? Why would
Stevie be a better...

Because I'm gay.

Okay, well,
he's your guy.Wait a minute.

You're not gonna sponsor him
because he's gay?

What's with that?

Well, Stevie would be
a better fit...

That's what Tom said.

Well, I'm confused.

Yeah, I was too
for a while.

No, about why you'd think
I'd be a better fit for you.

Well, maybe because
you're gay too.

No.

Oh.

Really?

I guess... I always assumed
just 'cause, you know...

No, I don't. No.

Oh, face it, Stevie.

You've always been
a really snappy dresser.

So? 'Cause I take pride
in my appearance,
that makes me gay?

Hey, let's face it,
Stevie.

You never really
talk about getting
down with the ladies.

That's 'cause I ain't
Barry White

and this ain't 1977,
m*therf*cker.

This is ridiculous.
James Bond
is a snappy dresser.

Yeah, and Tony Soprano.Scrooge McDuck.

I mean, he wears a top hat
and a smoking jacket.

He's straight as an arrow.

All right, first of all,
those are fictional
characters,

and one of them
is a duck.

Secondly, you guys
are morons.

Huge morons.

Besides who gives
a f*ck who's gay?

Other gay people?LOUDERMILK: Well,
you shouldn't.

A drunk is a drunk, all right?
Straight, gay, LGBTQ...

I.I.

A.A.

Two.Two?

Plus.It doesn't matter.

We're all humans
with addiction issues.

All right, where did we land
on the sponsorship thing?

Are you guys okay
with that arrangement?

Yeah, sure,
of course, man.Yes.

Thank you.CISCO: Hey, Mugsy,

I've never heard you talk
about any "lady action."

Hey, gentleman's code.

What happens in the van
stays in the van.

Gross.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

How was your meeting?

Are you here
to borrow money

or feed off the flesh
of the living?

[LAUGHS]
That's good.

Hey, is Ben still here?

We could really
f*ck with him.

You say a prayer for me, and
then I'll jump out and go...

[YELLS GIBBERISH]

[LAUGHS]That would be great, Dad.

Let's give Ben a heart att*ck.
That would be funny.

Yeah, hysterical, right?Yeah.

When are we ever gonna get
another chance to do it?

I don't know, next time
you fake your death?

I don't want you
hanging out here, okay?

I just don't want you around.

I don't want
anyone to see you.

I don't want them to know
how f*cked up my family is.

It's humiliating.

Oh, nice, my being alive
is humiliating.

[SIGHS]
What do you want, Jack?

Look, I thought about
what you said last night,

and I got to thinking.

Why did I come back here?

And I think I know why.

What, because
of the thrill,

like an arsonist
or a serial k*ller?

Maybe.

Or maybe because
I missed you.

Shut the f*ck up.I'm serious.

You said it yourself
at the funeral.

I was starting to put it
all back together,

and then... And then
I got scared.

And, anyway,
well, here I am.

So?So?

Well, let's make
the most of it.

Let's go for dinner
and we'll reconnect.

I won't even drink.

No, it's too late
for that, Jack,

'cause now there's another
little boy in the world

who's gonna grow up
with the same emptiness
and heartache

that I'm still dealing with.

Well, if I am such a d*ck,
maybe the kid is better off

never knowing
who his father is.

[CHAIR SLAMS]

I knew you were
gonna say that.

I knew you would say that.

Do you know why I said
all these nice things
about you at the funeral?

It's because I was just doing
what I've always done,

what Mom always did,

which is make
excuses for you

'cause that's
what enablers do,

for whatever reason.

I don't know. Shame,

hope, we just make excuses,

and you get to roll
merrily along

caring about nobody
but your own f*cking self.

Oh, great. Great speech.

Is that what you
say to your little
hand-holding group?

Must make you feel
very high and mighty, huh?

Yeah, it does feel good
to be there for somebody else.

You'll never know that
because you're not capable.

You know what's sad is,

at least when you were dead,

I knew you couldn't
disappoint me anymore.

Well, hey, hey.
Come on, kid.

We got a second
chance here.

You think I don't know
I f*cked up?

I f*cked up.

You know how much it kills me
to know how bad I hurt you?

I haven't had a good night's
sleep in 30 years.

Now I'm back
from the dead

and I'm ready
to be accountable.

I'm just asking
for a second chance.

No.

Not this time.

You got another chance, Jack.
It's just not with me.

It's with your other kid.

[WISTFUL PIANO MUSIC]

♪ ♪

LIZZIE: Hey.

Hey.

Cup of coffee?

Sure.

♪ Hey, open the door

[GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC]

♪ I want a new life

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, and here's
what's more

♪ I want a new life

♪ A new life

♪ Babe, let's get
one thing clear

♪ There's much more stardust

♪ When you're near

♪ I think
I'm really being sincere ♪