COMMENTATOR:
Robbie Keane with the chance.
Keane takes it and scores.
Poland and the Ukraine,
are you ready for us?
All right, lads. Come here, okay.
Salmon, refreshments.
There's men who need their hydration
here, Salmon, come on.
Come on, Salmon, hurry up.
EDDIE: What's going on with us?
It's nine all.
- Sure, we know that.
- We should have this in the bag.
In the bag? Sure, I saw The Viper
slip the ref a nodge of hash.
- The ref?
- At the car park.
Prick.
I bought that man 20 euros
worth of pints last night.
f*cking can't trust anyone any more.
- Come on, Salmon. Good man.
- All right-a-f*cking boy!
[GROANING]
Salmon, you could have got
something a bit less alcoholic.
See, this is your problem,
Toastie, you've gone soft.
You won't take a drink and you
wonder why we don't play you.
You cannot have a sober man on the pitch.
It's not me who made up the rules.
If you're out there sober,
you're a danger.
Sure,
it's not safe for your team,
it's not safe for the other
wankers on the pitch.
He's only being sound.
Can you imagine if Barry Macey
was f*cking refereeing?
- Oh, don't even start that now.
- Oh.
You wouldn't kick a ball
if you passed the breathaliser.
EDDIE: How's it going?
Eddie Durkan here.
Well, this is Castletown, my home.
Look, it's pissing rain and that's June.
How depressing.
There's no women, there's no work,
and no craic.
Not like the craic
these boys are having.
See, the one bit of good
news is that Ireland
have qualified for the
Euros out in Poland.
And if I was any right man,
I'd be out there, too.
But A, my mates are f*cking useless.
And B, I'm skint.
Last time we qualified
was years ago
and my Uncle Mick was out there
and he said it was a great craic.
Look at him. He's like a cross between
Liam Neeson and Samuel Beckett.
Man's a f*cking legend.
This'll take me back 24 years.
Germany, '88.
Jaysus, we had the time
of our lives.
sh*t, Germany wasn't
ready for us at all.
And they were never ready for the feckin'
eighty percent proof poitin, neither.
Seth and the boys brought over
a couple of gallons of poitin
and we were selling them off in
small little bottles to the Germans.
We were making a small fortune
until we got caught out.
Lucky enough I could see by
the old Sergeant Major's nose
that he was fond of
a drop himself.
I gave him a litre.
You know what he said?
"Fair play to you lads,"
gave me a tap on the back
and says, "Off you go."
Hey, he's a good uncle,
isn't he?
Hep-a-shout-out and f*cking
little bad f*cking yeah
What's the craic.
- Belleth door, press now.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
Hello, what's the craic?
Is your brother in there?
He's committed himself to a
rehabilitation clinic in Galway.
- For?
- For addiction to hash.
[LAUGHING]
Do I look like I came down
in the last shower?
- Addiction to hash?
- He kept having hallucinations.
That sounds like class craic, man.
Are you saying the
dr*gs don't work?
Who are you man, Neil Ashcroft?
Richard.
Whatever.
That means the gear is solid.
Mental gear solid,
and I'm solid shnake.
If the brother isn't around,
Shtevie,
then the family's gonna
have to pay top dollar.
So if you can go and get some
money for me, that'll be...
That'll be sound.
Beaten by a child.
Why didn't you cr*ck
some shkull, man?
A bit f*cking harsh,
he's only twelve.
You're meant to be
the hired g*ons, boys.
I don't hire Blubberpuss and
Edward Leatherhands for nothing, man.
Top dollar I'm paying ye.
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
COMMENTATOR: And there is the final
whistle. The final score in Poznan.
Bitter, bitter disappointment.
Ireland one, Croatia three.
Yeah, well, look at the craic
the boys were having out there,
see the lad sucking anyone's tit.
BOO: I want my team to win,
not lads sucking on tits.
You can suck on tits any
day of the week.
Only a few seconds in and we're a goal
down. We're absolutely shite, man.
[MAN GROANING]
- Buzz, is that you?
- [FROM OTHER ROOM] Yeah, baby.
[EDDIE SIGHS]
Thought the place had
been broken into.
- Burglars.
- [WOMAN GROANING]
BUZZ: It's just a bit of
riding there, will you relax.
All right, so.
- Good man.
- Lucky for some.
Lads, do you want a cup of tea?
- Nah, I'm good thanks, man.
- Cheers, Frenchie though, all right.
- Buzz?
- Yeah?
Do you want a cup of tea?
Yes, please.
And how about your mate there?
WOMAN: Please, one sugar.
Sound, whoever you are.
WOMAN: Moira.
Pleased to meet you.
Frenchtoast.
I'm The Boo, by the way.
BUZZ: Will you shut the f*ck up, lad,
I'm trying to concentrate.
She's a nice voice
on her though, whoever she is.
- BUZZ: Sprint!
- [BUZZ AND MOIRA MOANING]
If the boys in green played as
well as that lad in there now.
[MOANING LOUDER]
- BUZZ: Bingo!
- [MOIRA SCREAMS]
[HORN HONKS MELODY]
Yeehaw! Howdy, d*ck blowers.
Do you like the f*cking wheels, man?
Where are you going? Big romantic
three-way to Athlone, is it?
VIPER: Very funny.
We'll be bypassing Athlone actually.
Bypassing it on the way to P
to the O to the L to the A to the D.
- Polad?
- Poland.
I meant to say Poland.
I missed out the N.
Going to watch the f*cking Euro
World Cup and the boys in green.
Yeah, you're such a big man going
out there and everything.
Yeah, I am a big man
in a big f*cking van.
How are you going to
get tickets out there?
f*ck, man.
I never thought about that.
sh*t. What if I go all
the way out there?
You mean there's no tickets, like?
- There's no tickets left for people?
- BUZZ: No, there's no tickets left.
- f*ck.
- EDDIE: Yeah, exactly.
- Now you're not so smart, are you?
- BUZZ: You need a ticket.
I don't... I don't want to go
all the way out there and like,
not have any f*cking
tickets to the games.
Let's just say a game like
Ireland v. Poznan in Italy, yeah?
- You're a f*cking arsehole, man.
- Ha, I'm only messing.
Listen, I'm only here to rub it in.
Enjoy another f*cking summer trying to
master self-fellatio, you big g*ng bangers.
Gesundheit!
VIPER: Woo! This is it, lads,
life on the open road.
Three thousand kilometre
round trip, just us.
What could be more fun, eh?
Well, I've compiled a list of about
forty, fifty "dos or don'ts" though.
I need you to adhere to them
while you're under my control, okay?
Number one. No sh1tting in the
on-board toilet. Nicht, nicht.
Number two. Shleeping. I'll have all the
best beds, you can have the sh*t ones.
If I'm on the job, which is hopefully
going to be every f*cking night,
I don't want you sleeping
in the same van.
Number four.
No f*cking nudity from either of ye.
Especially you, Stateside.
Don't want any f*cking nightmares.
Plus, you're meant to be hard lads.
If I see your cock and balls
in action then, you know,
it just breaks the
f*cking illusion.
[VOICE FADES] Number seventeen. Shtateside,
you sing lullabies to me when I...
They're so beautiful.
So gentle.
So moist, aren't they, lads?
Ah, here, hey, this is f*cking depressing.
It's boring, that's what it is.
We should be out there
with the rest of them,
on the way to Poland now.
Sitting round here,
like a g*ng of wankers.
Clims and leabes.
More sh*t talk out of you,
Eddie, is it?
Yeah, sh*t talk, is it?
It's not sh*t talk, Boo.
Ah, it's f*cking pure muck.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Then we're going Dublin, Ibiza, America,
and now we're off to Poland.
What's wrong with your
bits and pieces here?
- It's different this time.
- How?
- Completely f*cking different.
- How is it different?
How is it different? It's a matter
of national pride this time.
- Your country needs you.
- Why, for what?
Your people need you.
Your country needs a lift, Buzz.
- Are you thick, or what's the craic like?
- I'm smart.
This is just going to be drinking and
slobbering, man. You can count me out.
Look, we can be over there
for the Italy game next week.
How would you get there?
You leave it to me now, all right?
I'll have that sorted out.
The mother ship, it's going to be bringing
us all around the World Cup places
in f*cking Poland and Yugoslavia.
Got it from the old lad. Not proud of it,
not f*cking ashamed of it either.
But watch and learn as I give you the
grand tour of this f*cking mother beast,
while Booboo and Fucknuts buy
me loads of booze in the petrol station.
[b*at-BOXING]
The presidential step
is lowered for my tiny feet.
Ah! Ooh.
Once inside,
the presidential step is retracted
like the penis comes
back inside to the...
I'm just coming inside the womb.
That's where the f*cking slaves
are going to be driving me.
The dining room. I would
use the dining area
to wine and dine chicks
I've brought back
before taking them up
to the f*cking bedrooms
located at the front,
the rear, and even there.
It's good to make them feel like
they're being wined and dined because
then they'll do extra
stuff to your jimmy.
Vulvazela. Jingle bells. A wig.
I'm just going to be the
biggest fan out there.
Shitter. Now the bedroom.
This is the clitoris
of the vulva vehicle.
But, uh...
What's this?
"Dear Viper..." From f*cking Stateside
and Dragon. It's a joke, isn't it?
"We made a mistake, Viper.
"Myself and Stateside
"would rather drive rusty nails
into each other's cocks
"than spend three weeks
trapped in a van with you.
"P.S. We took your 400 euro
which you owed us, you prick."
"P.P.S...
"Stateside left you a present in the
toilet which may have blocked it."
Yeah, I know well.
I'd say the jig is up now, boys.
In the toilet, eh? Hiding in the
one place I couldn't find you, eh?
I bet you're f*cking...
[GASPS AND BREATHES HEAVILY]
Okay, Edward, can you tell me
how this happened?
Well, I was out doing a bit of shopping
for the elderly, minding me own business,
next thing, I fell over
these frozen turkeys.
- Frozen turkeys?
- Yeah.
Fourteen or 1 5 of them just thrown
there in the aisle.
Slipped on one, banged me head
off the other one.
It was like the fall
of Saigon, you know?
- What a bizarre accident.
- I know.
And do they know who
put the turkeys there?
No, they do not.
Someone threw a jacket over
the CCTV camera.
I know, isn't it awful?
Terrible.
But look, doctor, I don't want to be
dragged through the courts on this.
No, I just want a quick over
the counter settlement job, you know?
Listen, Edward,
I'm not a lawyer, all right?
- Yeah.
- If you want to jump on the bed,
I'll have a look at you and then
we'll send you down for an X-ray.
- An X-ray?
- Yeah.
- For what?
- Just to assess the damage,
pinpoint any fractures.
I thought you couldn't
prove neck pain?
No, no, no, you're
thinking of back pain.
Stateside, it's Viper.
Where the f*ck are you, man?
Why's it going to voicemail?
[MOBILE BEEPS]
Yeah, Dragon, where the f*ck are you,
man? [MUMBLES] Four hours now.
The joke has gone flat.
The joke has gone flat!
We've got a f*cking ferry to catch
in a few hours. I'm nearly crying.
[ENGINE STARTS]
You're f*cking me up, Dragon.
You're f*cking me up huge style.
And by the time you get this I'll be at
Dublin Port, so please, if you do...
If you can make it,
do f*cking come along.
BUZZ: Well, Eddie.
Don't be breaking the door,
would you?
- Waste of time, man.
- Told you it was a waste of time.
All you're doing is comparing
d*ck sizes with the Viper.
Plus, you know, I'm not going
to leave Moira, you know that?
f*ckin' Moira.
- Oh, I have.
- What about the rule, Buzz?
- What rule?
- Soccer before sex.
Bollocks. Sex before soccer always!
Man, I'm having some of the best
sex of me life.
Well, it's all right for you to be
up at the town potting the pink.
- Yeah.
- Shteve Davis down the brown.
Whereas I'm stuck here
bored out me f*cking tree, man.
If you're that bored, why don't you ask
Salmon so, to go off to Poland with you?
The lad needs cheering up.
Why would I want to go
to Poland with Salmon?
Salmon is boring as f*ck.
He just sleeps all day like an old sloth.
- Why does he need cheering up anyway?
- 'Cause he's in bits.
Salmon, I'm sorry to hear about your
aunty heading to the dungeon of silence.
If it's any consolation
I've been in tears all week.
Cat's gone missing.
It's no consolation at all.
Shleepy time.
Uh, Salmon.
- Cheers, Eddie, for coming.
- All right, now how is she?
Well, uh, dead.
I just don't know what to say
to you, you know, it's er...
She was a f*cking dote.
Cheers, Eddie.
Did she leave you anything?
That's not really appropriate.
That's not what I meant. Don't be
putting words into me mouth, man.
[SIGHS]
You need to go away
on a holiday, man.
She's not even buried yet.
I know, but get away from all
this sh*t, like, you know.
What the f*ck is a great
aunty anyway, like?
What do you mean?
She practically raised me.
I... I was being rhetorical.
Maybe you should move on then,
speak to someone else.
Maybe you should move on,
go on a holiday. Do you understand?
We'll talk real soon, right?
Be strong.
- Poland?
- Yeah.
- Poland?
- Yeah. Poland.
- Look, you don't even use it any more.
- I do use it!
It's full of sh*t, I'm raising
turkeys in it for k*lling.
I'll have that cleaned out
with a power hose in a jiffy.
But you can't take
that yoke on the road.
I can take it...
Go over 50 miles an hour
and she'll overheat.
And you've no reverse gear in it.
Ah, it doesn't matter, Mick.
I'll find a roundabout.
Look, there's a bit of money heading
my way now shortly.
I'm not sure, but there might be.
If I get the f*cking wheels,
the dream is complete.
You were there in '88,
you know what the craic is.
Houghton and the boys, Stuttgart.
When do Ireland ever qualify
for anything these days?
Hey, Eddie!
Here, take that with you.
- You'll need that for good luck.
- Thanks very much.
And remember the women
in mainland Europe...
- Yeah?
- Make sure you check their Adam's apple.
When you're in the middle of it, gay
or straight, it's impossible to stop.
It all goes out the window...
Gay or straight.
- Good luck, Eddie. Good luck.
- Thank you, Mick. God bless you.
And be careful, eh? Go on.
Go on.
VIPER: Ah, come on, f*cking
Stateside, come on, f*ck.
If you could see where I was now,
you'd be f*cking ripping.
You'd be absolutely ripping.
I'm f*cking sitting here now
with a g*ng of lads,
I'm sure Calum Best is here as well.
A load of f*cking women around me.
They're asking me
where my mates are.
I was showing them f*cking
photographs of you and Dragon.
They were f*cking going wild, hey.
No f*cking joke, hey.
Please, man. Where...
Please, why'd you f*cking...
Why'd you leave me, you know?
Please come along if you get this.
I'm sorry the way I behaved
there, at the wake.
You know, it's...
It was out of order.
And a man like you in
your time of grief...
You'll be mourning that woman
for a long, long time, Salmon.
Ah, yeah, I'm still really cut
up about it and upset, you know.
EDDIE: And that's going to take you
a long time to get over that grief.
And it's a time for mourning and it's a
time... It's a time for heroes, Salmon.
And that's why we need to show
our respect to your late great aunty
and take this show on the road.
Ah, f*ck me, it's good
to have some company, man.
f*cking lonely out.
Been crying for 37 miles.
Where are you headed to?
The next service station
will be sufficient.
f*cking sound out. [STAMMERS]
I'm heading to the f*cking Dam.
Dam busters.
Gonna sell the boys a bit of
f*cking shkunk pussies.
Make a bit of f*cking
money, that's what I do.
How about you?
I am Germany's number one
stand-up comedian.
We've got a f*cking
joker in the pack, huh?
Tell us a joke, there. f*ck.
It's rude to ask a comedian to
tell a joke when he's off duty.
- Are you f*cking serious? Rude?
- Very rude. I refuse to do it.
I don't believe you for
a f*cking second, hey.
I am Germany's answer to Chris Rock.
f*cking Dickie Rock, more like.
On the phone, Eddie, you said that this
was going to be some kind of campervan.
Yeah, it's a van and
we'll be camping.
To be fairs, I have been thinking for
a long time about going to Europe.
Europe is there to
be exploited by me.
They're very liberal,
they're a bit daft,
the Europeans with all this chorizo
with salami with all... Black forest ham.
I've a keen eye and I'm going
to try and source some materials cheaply,
bring them back here and sell
them at a higher price.
Speaking of finance, what happened
to your poor old aunty, Salmon?
How did she pass away, like?
They say it was the
tea that k*lled her.
- The tea k*lled her?
- Yeah.
She got up to make a cup of tea, tripped
over the cat and fell into the telly.
- How much did she leave you anyway?
- 1,600.
- EDDIE: 1,600, yeah?
- Yeah.
- And tell me, do you have it all with you?
- I do, yeah. Just like you said.
And you definitely can get me
a ticket to the Italy game?
Tickets? To the Italy game?
Oh, yeah.
Not a problem, man.
Don't you worry about Buzz, man.
I'm the alpha male of the group
and you'll do what I say
because you're my minions.
Yeah. Do you believe that?
What are you on about, "minions"?
[HORN HONKING]
Are you coming or what's the craic?
- Uh...
- EDDIE: Come on.
- I don't know, I don't know.
- Come on.
Well, Moira's going to come over now
in half an hour for the old...
Now, look, look, look... Moira?
Are you still going on
about her, are you?
We're going to try
out a few new moves.
Listen to me, Buzz, the amount of
women on the continent,
you'll blow the beans even
just thinking about it, man.
- Look at that.
- BUZZ: Where'd you get the cash?
Don't you worry where
I get the cash.
Myself, Salmon and The
Boo are here, man.
f*ck.
Go and have a fast wank.
Go on, drain the spuds.
And you come back out here and you tell
me you don't want to go to Poland.
- All for you, baby.
- Right...
I'll have a fast wank.
- Ah, go away, go in.
- And pack the clothes.
Right, hold up. Hold up.
BUZZ: sh*t, it's amazing how you don't give
a sh*t for women after you have a wank.
I only make jokes for payment.
Payment is transaction
of money exchanging hands.
- This drive is not payment.
- Got a joke for you, man.
What did the Irish lad say
to the f*cking Germanian lad?
I give up.
Get out! Get out!
What have I done?
I can't wait to do a bit of the old
manual labour, get the old hands dirty.
- EDDIE: Oh, yeah.
- Good, good for the old soul like.
You love the work, Toasteen.
I'll do a bit of graft so I will.
But how... You've an awful lot of
bags for just doing a bit of graft.
- That's right.
- You've got sleeping bags and stuff,
what's that all about, like?
EDDIE:
I've got your passport with us.
FRENCHTOAST: What do you mean
you've got my f*cking passport?
All I said is I might've been bending
the truth a little bit.
- We're going to Poland, man.
- That's f*cking kidnapping, man.
It's shnot, it's shnot.
EDDIE: Well, so much
for Salmon's patriotism.
That lasted as far as the petrol
station in Ballaghaderreen.
[DOOR CREAKS]
f*cking hell, is it just me,
or is it f*cking weird out there?
- Surely. My name's... Nice to meet you.
- Mark.
Not too bad, Mark... Mark, Mark.
So you can definitely f*cking buy
here, it's all legal, is it?
All legal.
The police, they aren't going
to f*cking come and get me.
No.
Let's f*cking lock and load, get the joints
out because we're going f*cking shmoking.
Lovely.
- MARK: This is a nice one.
- What does it do?
- It makes you stoned.
- Shpark me up, man, spark me up.
- f*cking hell.
- [DOOR CREAKS]
- How you doing?
- All right?
VIPER: [STUTTERS]
The strongest, is it?
Are you going for pints?
Do you want a pint? Or owt, man?
CUSTOMER: No, thank you.
Didn't hear me.
f*ck's sake.
She's overheating, lads.
Oh, God.
We'll have to give her
a few hours to cool down, like.
Mick f*cking warned me.
Oh! I don't even know
where the f*ck we are, lads.
Oh, I know where we are.
I know where we are.
EDDIE: How?
FRENCHTOAST: Huh?
- Oh, nice one.
- Where are we now?
- Berlin?
- Nürnberg.
Do you know what this is, Buzz?
- It's a map.
- Map of what?
Of... Of land.
Map of f*cking Germany, Buzz.
[STUTTERS] Who's to say
we weren't gonna get lost?
Is it just me or does
this make you feel lonely?
Hmm, depends how you feel.
f*cking Stateside and Dragon,
they'd given me a text
to say they weren't f*cking... They
weren't bothered about coming over...
- You know Stateside?
- No.
If you can make friends around these
places, that would be f*cking sound out.
Savage, like.
MARK: You try.
You want hash or marijuana?
I have some, I'm just looking at the...
Your prices.
I've got a bit of shtuff
there if he wants.
It's not allowed that you sell your
stuff here to people.
Got this shtuff called
"closet" up in Sligo.
Makes you think you're locked
in a f*cking closet, man.
Sell it on the street, but not here.
Ah, there's going to be no cops
in here though, is there?
No.
Don't be getting smart.
Hello. I don't know if you could hear me
over there, like, you know.
But I was just looking...
I ask you one more time.
If you do it again, I throw you out.
Yeah? Watch this, watch this.
Do you want to buy some f*cking
closet, man, do ya?
- Stop. Come on, come on.
- I said... Hey, ooh.
Don't f*cking touch me, man.
- Please, come on. Go out.
- I'm only being f*cking friendly.
- I'm only being f*cking sound, man.
- Hey... Go, go!
[SNORING]
Oh, God, Salmon, you f*cking pig.
[MOBILE RINGS]
Oh, man!
Ah, how are you, love? How's tricks?
Yeah. Listen, I can't
talk right now.
You're having a good
go though, aren't you?
f*ck off. No, no, no,
no, not you, not you.
I am awful sorry about leaving but like,
it's kind of like a business trip.
Don't be getting thick, hey?
Listen, you know my heart
has feelings for you.
I'll send you a picture
of me nob tomorrow, all right?
Good luck. Good night, good night.
[SNORING]
Salmon, stop that.
Hey, lads, since we're
doing a European trip,
shall we leave out Poland
and just go to the Dam?
You've drink, dr*gs, women.
The unholy trinity.
Sounds like my nightmare.
That'd be Sodom and Gomorrah.
Ah, be... It'd be a good craic,
I reckon it'd be a nice little detour.
- I'll give it a go, like.
- BOO: Hey, Buzz.
Did you evers try that
old phone sex jobby?
Where you put the phone down your pants
and it vibrates until you blow the beans?
No. Talking dirty to
your missus, like.
You're on to something there, Boo.
Maybe you could, uh,
give it a go, man.
Why would I want her to talk
to all your f*cking dirty voices?
She'd catch something
just from the sound of you.
Cheers, Eddie.
You cannot come to Europe
and not go to Amsterdam, you know?
I came up with the idea.
You'd swear you suggested it.
We've been on about this since
we were f*cking...
What?
Yeah, since we were like
twelve year old men.
No, no, I'm grand, man, I'm grand.
- Ah, go on, French, go on, man.
- What's happened to you, man?
You used to be a f*cking hard cock.
I'm sorry, lads. It's just for
my own sanity, like, you know.
Ah, he used to love that sh*t.
But sure I'm getting f*cking baked
off the f*cking fumes in this place.
Here, Boo?
I'm going to have to
leave that stuff, sorry.
EDDIE: Where are you going?
He's a soft cock but
I've business to do,
I don't want to be going around
the place munched out of it.
- Like what?
- I'm going, doing a bit of business.
Oh, yeah, business is it?
I'm not doing that, I've business,
I promise you.
Don't pay too much, hey.
Here goes nothing.
He's going to see a dog
about a man, is it?
A man about a dog, yeah.
Going to see a whore about a cock.
- Did I just really say that?
- Huh?
Did you just wake up?
You're baked out of your tree, man.
Jeez, this stuff is strong.
- BUZZ: You okay, man?
- Yeah, sound.
Where are you going? Stay, now stay.
- [ECHOING] Is your mind wobbling?
- Eh?
Is your mind...
[ECHOING] Are you stoned?
[INAUDIBLE]
BUZZ: Where are you going?
- Stretching the legs.
- Are you pulling a Jimmy White?
Are you going for our
Anne Frank, are you?
FRENCHTOAST: I don't know,
man, he's baked.
- Huh?
- He's pulling a whitey.
You all right, man?
Is this your first time in The Dam?
Yeah. I'm just on the
way to Poland, man.
Support the boys in green,
the boys in green, you know.
You need anything?
Yeah, a glass of water
if you've got one, man.
Or just a...
A milkshake or something.
- I'm not your f*cking mother, yeah?
- Huh?
I mean do you need anything?
I've got some excellent pills.
Everything you need on an MDMA
base, baby. Man, they're beautiful.
Five each, take ten and I give
you two more for free.
That's a lot of work, man, I don't know
what the f*ck you're talking about.
MAN: Good afternoon, sir.
Can I help you?
Good afternoon. I'm a bit nervous.
By the way, can I say to you,
you have a lovely shop?
- Thank you.
- Now...
Is there much money to be made in this
sort of business, now, selling these toys.
I'm on my third Porsche.
Everyone needs sex.
Everyone needs the sex, all
nationalities, they need the same thing.
It's like oxygen, we all need it.
All right, ten for two, yeah?
- Fine.
- Have fun, yeah.
- Hey, listen up.
- Yeah?
You take these before
you go to Poland, yeah?
Yeah.
I mean you don't want to f*ck around with
dr*gs in Poland, really, I'm serious.
- Yeah?
- Yeah...
A friend of mine, he got caught
with only like a... Spliff...
- Yeah?
- They threw him in jail with a baboon.
Like a monkey baboon?
Like a f*cking monkey baboon, yeah.
f*cking hell, man.
Prison guards, they got it from
a zoo or something.
The zoo, eh?
Yeah, they used to wrestle with it in the
courtyard for bets for money, you know?
So, everything was full so they threw
my friend in with the baboon.
What, like a gorilla,
gibbon kind of baboon?
Like a baboon, man.
He just sit there all day
looking at my friend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And at night when my friend goes to
sleep, he tries to f*ck him in the face.
You know like... [GAGGING]
Crazy, man. Like... [GAGGING]
- Oh, yeah, cheers.
- Yeah... [GAGGING]
You watch your back, man.
What would you recommend for a guy who's
absolutely no chance of sex with a woman.
No chance, I mean zero.
I think you're too hard for yourself.
You're actually quite pretty.
Oh, Christ, no, no.
I have a lot of sex.
I have no problems
in that department.
Okay.
I'm on about these lonely guys
back where I'm from.
I think I can make a bit of money like,
out of them getting no sex, like.
You could.
What would be the best
companion for them?
What's the best, the best...
The best stuff.
I think this is what
you're looking for.
[NERVOUSLY] Eh? [STAMMERING]
How does that work? What's that?
Hey, man, you got to love
the old river, don't you?
EDDIE: The old swan.
The old water, man,
it's kind of peaceful, isn't it?
It's tranquil. Do you want
to see tranquillity, do you?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Take that.
What the f*ck?
What the f*ck is that, man?
It's whatever you want it to be.
Who are you?
f*cking Jack and the Beanstalk?
What do you want me to do with it?
Huh?
f*cking take it, man.
Sure man, if I take that
the whole flood gates will open
and I'll sure be on the f*cking piss.
Where's your willpower, Toastie?
Where's your willpower?
You were the man who f*cking said,
"Oh, I don't want to drink."
- Yeah.
- So, if you don't want to drink,
you're f*cking... You're all
right with that, like, you know.
[STUTTERS] You'll be off your head.
You'll be so off your head,
you won't even want to drink.
Go on, it'll be f*cking mad craic,
the pair of us, like the old days, man.
Sure... That's behind me,
that's all behind me, man.
Come on. f*ck that sh*t, Toasteen.
Drop the act, man. Drop the act,
you know what I mean.
You're in Amsterdam, for f*ck's sake.
Why haven't you gone
into any of them?
Sure, one of them had hair like
down to her fecking knees.
I don't want to let her... Her knees
were popping out. See that now?
She couldn't...
She'll be f*cked when she's 50.
- You're too scared.
- I'm not scared of a hooker.
You're talking rubbish.
I'm not talking rubbish,
I'm talking truth.
See them?
What about that other one
you were chatting to?
- Sure, she had wisdom teeth.
- You're too chicken.
- I'm not chicken.
- I think you're a bit scared.
- Scared?
- Here, I'll pay for you.
- What?
- And you go down.
- You're gonna pay me for going in.
- Yeah, go on. Go on.
What's stopping you?
All right, I'll go inside,
do you want me to go in?
Yeah.
Right.
I'll go in, so.
Right. Hold on there, Salmon.
Hi, can I go in?
Is this your first time in Holland?
- Huh?
- Your first time here in Holland?
Umm... I like, I prefer
pints of stout meself.
You want to touch me, why not?
- Yes.
- It's a fine yoke.
What size is that one?
I'm 38.
[WHISTLES] You look about 35.
- [LAUGHS]
- Do you want to see a press-up?
Oh, baby.
Ooh. I'm just showing
you how to do moves.
- Oh, I love it.
- No, no, don't.
You know what you are?
You're a bloody romantic.
I know. It's okay to be shy.
- Yes, do it. Try one time, you like.
- No, no, listen, listen.
- Could I just talk to you? Listen.
- Yes?
No, no, put that away, would you?
No, please, please.
Just wanna... Could I talk to you?
Could I just talk to you, please?
Can you back up one
second, please, please.
Do it for me tonight.
I'll pay you big money
to leave me alone, please.
Just me and you, Mary Jane.
Ah, a wheeled seat,
wouldn't that be sweet?
You're going to have to go
a bit faster there, Victor, mate.
They left me, man.
They left me back in Longford.
I don't care though, Victor.
Me, yourself,
a bit of f*cking sweet Mary J,
the moon is our oyster, boy.
Ah, Victor, hey, come here.
Do you know where I can meet
some class women, like?
That's your fault it's on a semi.
I'll give you thirty of
the hardest euros...
Can I talk to you about my life?
I'm going out with a
woman in Ireland, right?
Yes.
- Her name is Moira.
- Yeah.
No, I'm... I don't know if I'm
hungry or not but I feel like
something's missing
when I'm away from her.
Do you ever get a feeling in your heart,
where you feel very hungry?
I'm going out with her, and I don't
like to cheat on a woman.
What's the story with them yokes,
are they fake?
Christ above, it's like a boiled egg.
It's like two boiled eggs.
No, I can't be looking, I can't.
No, no, because me girlfriend.
[MUTTERS] That's it,
that's it, that's all I can do.
So if anybody comes in here next, will
you tell them that I had sex with you
like, you know, full blown, uh...
If lads come in here and say,
"Was Buzz any good with you?"
or "That lad, was he any good?"
Just say, "He was flat out."
Just say he was pumping
like a mad man.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yes.
- If you could do that, like, uh...
I'd be fierce pleased.
Can I hug you?
- You're sound, right?
- Yeah.
I'm sound.
Hey, buddy, buddy,
umm, sorry, could you?
Yeah?
- Umm, where are you from, by the way?
- Canada.
Do you mind if I ask you
a few personal questions?
- By all means.
- Right, right.
I'm just trying to get into the mind
of the sexual beast.
Down in this red light, how much,
on average, would you spend?
What would that be
in Canadian dollars?
- And you're female?
- Yes.
Now. What flavour
condoms do you like?
- A blowjob in a can.
- Blowjob in a can?
What do you make of them?
This big to about this big...
Christ.
That's nearly an arm's length.
- That scares me, that kind of craic.
- Oh, it scares me, too.
- Lady boys.
- Lady boys, why, what do you mean?
Are they all they're
cracked up to be?
COMMENTATOR: That's the way
it's finished in Gdańsk.
Spain four. Republic of Ireland nil.
The tears of disappointment will
be shed by the Irish support
who have always been magnificent.
f*cking hell, I've landed
on my feet here, hey.
Like an old cat.
But, erm, no, I had another friend
who f*cked off me as well.
A pet crab, called Colin.
Left the gaff, had
them homing instincts.
The crabs, they like, scuttle towards
the sea like, you know?
But, erm, got as far as Ballina
on a Saturday night
and he got f*cking smashed out of it.
Eight lads kicking the
f*ck out of a crab.
Cried me heart out, but less of
the tears, more wine.
No more wine.
- No more stories.
- No?
How about the three of us get busy?
f*cking hell, this is
like a dream come true...
About w*nk*ng.
You wanna watch me and Candy first?
Money up front, sweetheart.
Erm, you're all right.
You can have this one for f*cking free.
[LAUGHS] Sorry?
- Yeah.
- No. You pay us.
Pay you what? f*cking paid you
attention all night, man.
Down the f*cking bar you were having
shcoops, I was footing the shcoops, man.
I don't think you understand.
Well, I don't think you understand.
If I wanted to pay for sex
I'd go down the f*cking RLD.
The red light zone.
But erm, you never know what the f*ck you
might catch off one of those prozzies, like.
- You dirty piece of sh*t!
- [GRUNTS]
Help!
Help!
What the f*ck?
Oh, God. Hey!
- Hmm... Hmm?
- Where the f*ck are we?
- Huh?
- Where are we, man?
- Come on, up. Come on.
- I haven't... I haven't got it.
We've been caged, man.
We've been f*cking... Hey!
Hey, hey, keep it down, man,
my head is f*cking banging.
Was I drinking last night or what?
Hello?
- Jesus Chr...
- Hello?
- Lads.
- What!
What the f*ck happened last night?
Back from a night
of riding, are you?
Night of riding? No, no, there was
no riding on my part.
Are, sure, we seen you talking
to every nob handler in town.
I might have been out
all night with prostitutes
but I promise you there was no sex.
All research.
- Now, what did you get up to?
- Salmon, tell him.
Went into one of them women
and she was washing the flute
- and I blew the load.
- All over himself.
I wouldn't mind but that cock wash
cost me sixty quid.
Now that's... That's depressing.
All down his legs and everything,
sure it was a mess.
- Have you seen Eddie and Frenchie?
- I was ringing them all night. No answer.
Come on.
- f*ck off, man.
- [INDISTINCT TALKING]
Come on.
f*ck's sake, man.
All right, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's going on?
Who are you people?
Why'd I wake up in a f*cking cage?
My name is Dominique,
and this is my club.
[NERVOUSLY]
What does that mean, like?
So where are we?
In a nightclub, is it?
- FRENCHTOAST: Oh!
- f*ck.
Like, were we out of order last
night, or what's the story?
[LAUGHS] Out of order.
You owe me 4,000 euro.
Four... What?
Four thousand euro, for what?
DOMINIQUE: For what?
- For this.
- [HITS COMPUTER KEY]
The lad's f*cked!
Any chance you can burn me
a copy of that, is there?
Yeah, you had a nice time, huh?
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
I don't remember any of it, though.
My champagne
and women are very expensive.
Yes, we can see.
So, how are you going
to pay for all this?
You cannot f*cking keep people
locked up in a cage, like.
Can we talk to the boss of the place
and we'll get this sorted out.
- The boss?
- Yeah.
- Ah!
- Mmm!
You're talking to her.
- My f*cking head!
- [MOBILE RINGING]
Look, we just want to go to Poland
to watch some football, all right?
Hey, hey. Fucker.
Give me that back, man.
Give me that back.
Well l... Could I at least get an aspirin
or something for me headache
and then I can think
clearly, you know.
Can you put it off as a tax write-off
or something like, you know.
Just... There's a lot of cash floating
around in this industry
- and I'm sure a lot of it's non-taxable.
- Four grand.
You have ten minutes
to come up with a solution.
- Ooh.
- Otherwise, we will come up with one.
- [GROANS]
- Do you understand?
Yes, I understand.
Too f*cking hasty here, please.
Toastie... Why aren't you doing
anything to f*cking him, like?
BOO: That's some good stuff, man,
that's some good stuff.
Do you like that stuff, do you, Buzz?
Jesus, some old stash, hey?
- Sure, where'd you get it?
- New business venture, baby.
This beer, is it?
Open her up.
That baby's going to
make me a lot of money.
Blow job in a beer can. Genius!
- Have you done it?
- No, I don't get high from me own supply.
The boys back in Castletown are going
to go ape shite for that stuff.
Plus, you can wash it
out in the dishwasher.
For single lads,
that could be your best friend.
SALMON: Ah, lads. Here they are now.
BOO: Where were you
lads all night, huh?
- Don't ask.
- Why?
- Let's just get the f*ck out of dodge, man.
- BUZZ: Did you catch gonorrhoea?
Yeah, I wish.
Saddle up, we're
going to Poland now.
Ah, here, one thing about Poland,
like, Croatia hammered us today.
We got hammered, yeah.
And, and Spain like,
they absolutely annihilated us.
Are, sure here, hey.
Spain are f*cking class at scoring
the best soccer goals a man can see.
And what's the craic with them Italians?
They're probably fairly handy as well.
Look, it doesn't matter about b*ating them.
We're not going to b*at them, right?
And even if we did b*at them
seventeen-two, it wouldn't matter.
- We won't qualify.
- It doesn't even get us through.
The team are gone.
So you're saying, let's leave Amsterdam
and all the craic that's here
to go off, no offence to you,
in a smelly old van and...
Can you give me a few minutes grace here,
I'm going to go downtown.
[SNORING]
[MOBILE PHONE BEEPS]
- Got a message from The Boo, lads.
- EDDIE: Saying what?
Football and Poland are sh*t things.
Look after dildos 'cause
plane does not take.
Gone to f*cking Mayo.
He's gone, lads.
Boo, how dare he just f*cking swan off like
that, leaving us with his box of filth.
BUZZ: Never mind The Boo, now.
I want to talk about you and the
riding you were at last night.
Yeah, they were lovely.
Got chatting to them, went back home,
gave them the gift of the gammon.
- BUZZ: Yeah?
- God bless you. That was the end of it.
What's in the black bag then?
One of their sisters lives in Poland.
So one of them was Polish?
f*cking Polish, Spanish, Dutch,
what does it matter, Salmon?
They were foreign, we got chatting,
they said, "Where are you going?"
And I said, "I'm going to Poland
to watch the football."
So she said,
"Can you bring some stuff back?"
I said "Yes, I will."
So now you're telling me
you're doing favours for the ride.
That's not like you at all, like.
- What are you on about, man?
- You're talking dribble.
I'm not talking f*cking dribble.
Why weren't you answering
your phones, lads?
- They're at the bar.
- Because we left them at the flat.
Well you lost them or left them now,
which is it?
You're two snakes in
the grass, you are.
Ah, don't do this to me.
[SHOUTS] Don't do this to me!
f*ck!
Why, why, why?
Why?
BUZZ: Calm down, would you?
- Come out.
- She's not going anywhere, right?
OK, Mr Miyagi, calm down.
She's covered in black, for a start.
What are we going to do now?
BUZZ: Don't even know.
Well...
I'll tell you what
we're going to do.
EDDIE: Mick was right, the van
was bollockshed.
Do you know what I wanted to
do to that van, do you?
But in the cold light of day,
it was up to me to come
up with a more practical solution.
We'll hitchhike.
All the way to Poznan.
Not like that, right? Like that.
Why are you giving me this?
Because it might attract
a weirdo, Salmon.
Why do you want to attract a weirdo?
'Cause a lift is a
f*cking lift, man.
Come on.
Work the shaft, will you, good lad,
work the shaft.
Sure hold it straight, Salmon.
Hold it straight, will you?
Yeah? Good man.
You'll thank me when you get a lift.
And I'll just hide
in here, all right?
Good man, keep it going,
keep it going, keep it going.
BUZZ: Come... You're joking.
BUZZ: What the...
Higgins.
- Good to see you.
- BUZZ: Well if it isn't f*cking tithead.
- EDDIE: f*cking, Viper, eh?
- All on your own, are you?
- Hey, you're f*cking stranded, are you?
- No.
Headin' to the Euros.
It looks like you're stranded in that
f*cking heap of shite.
- BUZZ: No. Yeah... No.
- It's not even our van.
Bullshit, it's got your f*cking name
on it, man.
It could be any Durkan. I know
about 25 Durkans going to Euros.
It could be any Durkan
but it's Eddie Durkan's.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
We're actually waiting on a lift,
as it happens.
Oh, yeah? From who?
From some savage f*cking women,
that's who.
You can't pull the wool over my eyes.
Where the f*ck did you meet them?
- Belgium.
- Amsterdam.
All aboard! Welcome to my world.
Won't you come inside?
In you get. What the
hell is with the dildo?
You're gonna use that
on Buzz, are you? Ha!
I mean, I know you're arseholes
and everything...
But we're from the same town, so.
We might as well stick together, eh?
Might as well, might as well, yeah.
A few rules though, you have
to drive me around everywhere.
Rule thirty-four.
No f*cking pedal and cranking it.
This isn't a f*cking knocking shop
I'm running.
This isn't f*cking Viper's big
bang bus of hand shandies.
EDDIE: Oh, God!
This isn't f*cking Pamela Handerson
and the f*cking five dwarves.
- This isn't f*cking...
- EDDIE: Ah, shut up to f*ck.
Come on, come on with
the f*cking rules, lad.
f*ck's sake, man, you need rules
or the place goes to shite.
Look, I was thinking about
what you were saying.
Yeah?
Castletown boys, sticking
together and all.
Like f*cking sh*t
to a lolly stick.
Yeah, I like it.
I like it so much
that I'm going to give you a present
for the back of the van.
- f*ck off.
- Oh, yeah. You'll love it.
- Sound out, man.
- You will love it.
My other ride is your mother.
f*cking, hey. This is going to
look class on the bumper, man.
This is going to be deadly, boys.
I swear to f*ck.
Hey! [LAUGHS]
You're meant to... You
have to stay still
because I can't put it on
if you're moving, hey.
- EDDIE: Huh?
- I can't put it on if you move, like.
- EDDIE: Oh, right.
- All right?
- EDDIE: Sorry. Go on.
- It's going to look class on the side.
Hey!
VIPER: Ah ha ha... Hey.
Very funny, lads.
There's no f*cking need
for that, lads. Eddie!
Ah, Durkan, come back, hey.
I cannot put the f*cking sticker on
if you're moving, hey.
EDDIE: Come on, reptard.
VIPER: Stay still, please!
[ENGINE REVS]
VIPER: Ah, f*ck off!
EDDIE: Viper, eh!
EDDIE: Yeah...
Durkan, I twisted my f*cking ankle there,
man. I can't see where I'm going.
Will you please wait up?
Francis! Come on!
Ah, come on, Viper.
You'll just drive off again.
Ah, Viper, come on now,
you're wasting our time.
No, you've been doing this
for two f*cking hours.
I know, but we're tired now,
it's getting dark.
No, you're going to drive off again.
Shut up and come on. Come on.
You're a big boy now, come on.
You promise you
won't drive off?
Promise you.
It's only a bit of bullying.
- BUZZ: Come on, big sh*t.
- Bullying f*cking hurts, man.
Come on, we'll do a
bit of arm wrestling.
- Come on, you're all right.
- The fun, fun's over, boys.
- Ah, no, it's only starting, like.
- Fun's over. Huh?
- It's only starting.
- What do you mean?
It's only starting. It's only starting.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't care any more.
BUZZ: Pull off!
VIPER: Hey!
Hey! Hey!
I've got a spare ticket
to the game, boys.
You can drive off
and none of you are going to get it.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Hey, do you hear me?
VIPER: The old barbeque, Buzz.
BUZZ: Yep.
VIPER: Cannot f*cking b*at it.
- BUZZ: The B.B.C., boy. You can't b*at it.
- Hail to the chef, is that what it is?
- Yep.
- That's it, eh?
Listen, I'm sorry about bullying you
earlier on.
I only done it for the
good of your health.
Hey, that was a savage
bit of bullying.
BUZZ: I knew you'd appreciate it.
VIPER: In fairness I'd have done the
f*cking same to any old c**t, you know?
What you do with the
football ticket?
Jeez, you f*cking warmed
to that one fairly handy.
No, we're mates, like.
I don't know, I've just been
f*cking keeping them
and thinking about who deserves
them the most, you know?
BUZZ: Yeah?
Keeping that as leverage.
For as long as I've got it
like, c**ts are going to do whatever
I want basically.
- Don't tell them that though.
- No, I won't, I won't.
Class bit of cooking there.
- Toastie.
- What?
[WHISPERING] Where's the package?
It's safe.
It's under the seat inside.
Good.
Listen, all we need to do, right,
is be chilled out and
cool going across the borders.
That's all you need to do.
Would it not be better if we
just told the rest of the lads?
No.
If Salmon gets wind of this,
he'll sh*t himself.
He'll be on the first
plane out of here.
And then there'll be no
more funding this trip.
I don't know. Can I cope
with all this pressure, man?
Look, Toasteen,
if you tell the others,
God knows how they'll behave at the
borders. You get them spooked...
Yeah, they'll be
paranoid and everything.
Who's paranoid?
- What?
- BUZZ: Who'd get paranoid?
Oh, no, I was just saying all the
weed we've been smoking in Amsterdam.
- You're paranoid, man.
- Huh?
- Huh? What?
- What?
Frenchtoast, what's going on?
What the f*ck do you want, man?
- What's happening?
- I'm going for a sh*t, man.
The toilet's blocked.
Can a man not just get a bit
of f*cking privacy?
What do you want, man?
I want to know what the f*ck's going on
between yourself and Eddie.
Huh? There's nothing going on.
There's some f*cking dodgy sh*t
going down, boy.
Honestly, there's nothing going on.
Swear on your mother's life
no dodgy sh*t is going on so.
- I will, yeah.
- Go on, say it.
What?
Say, "l swear on my
mother's life that l,
"Frenchtoast O'Toole and Eddie Durkan,
have no dodgy sh*t going on."
And you'll get this back.
Say it, Toasheen.
Do you wanna wipe
your bum or not?
Huh?
To pay off the debt we've got to get
that across the border to Poland.
f*ck me.
- Is it hash?
- Yeah. Shh.
There's about
a hundred grand's worth, thousand,
I don't know how much is there.
Some crazy Dutch milf that wants
to make money off the football fans.
- Right.
- All right?
We've got to drop this to some guy
called Roman when we get to Poznan.
f*ck that, we'll just
sell it at home, like.
We can't, she's got
our mobile phones.
And?
Yeah, she's got our contact details.
She's got our mothers' contact details,
she's got our fathers' contact details.
She's got our cousins'
contact details, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Now, if we don't get this to Roman
in the next two days,
her hard men will be on the
next flight home to Ireland.
I'm kind of scared but I'm turned
on at the same time.
What?
Listen, the reason Eddie
didn't want to tell you is
because he thought you'd get
all paranoid at the border.
Yeah, and because he's getting chased
around by a f*cking milf.
Toasheen, listen, I've
known you all me life.
You're like a brother to me, and
Eddie's like another brother to me.
- So two brothers you're like to me.
- Yeah.
- You know that, don't you?
- Yeah.
You know I'll always have your back.
You'll always have my back.
But if you get caught with this,
I don't know you, okay?
- Make your poo.
- Right.
- Why'd you have to go and tell me?
- It's not like I had a choice, like.
We all have choices. Yes or no.
You could have just said,
"No, I won't tell you."
But oh, yeah, you had
to go and tell me.
I wish I could go back to when I was
young and I knew less stuff in my brain.
[SNORING]
VIPER: Hey please, Salmon.
VIPER: f*cking hell, man,
would you stop snoring, please?
[RUSTLING IN CAMPER]
BUZZ: This'll f*cking shut him up.
BUZZ: He won't snore again, hey.
VIPER: I can go back to sleep now,
count some snakes. Goodnight, boys.
[TYRES SQUEALING]
Hello, there.
Welcome to my world,
won't you step inside?
Hello.
These boys are travelling with me
and I own the van.
But it's f*cking brilliant
like, you know?
I'm having a great time,
having a great time of it.
You're scaring the girls, man.
Go easy. They don't understand
what you're on about.
Do you know how to speak English?
You can sleep there if you like.
Me know a few people
who like to sleep...
- Is that French, is it?
- No.
Cards. Do you like cards?
Play shithead?
Sorry, need to reach.
EDDIE: Higgins.
We'll cr*ck on.
That's another one of those,
f*cking silly dildo.
Stupid. I'll put that there.
Come on, Ireland!
And then if we're coming back,
there's a fridge.
Freezer.
- Shower.
- No, don't.
No, no, no. There's no spyholes or you
know, cameras or anything like that.
There's nothing weird going on
in this bus. Not on my watch.
Come on. Let's get back
to the f*cking bed.
No, no, don't go back there.
Don't bring them back.
- What are you on about?
- BUZZ: No, don't bother.
Shut up. Listen, you're just jealous.
This is where the magic happens.
You never even had a chance
to blow my vuvuzela.
BUZZ: The sky is gorgeous.
- It's lovely stuff, isn't it?
- EDDIE: It is lovely stuff, yeah.
BUZZ: It's lovely, isn't it?
EDDIE: Yeah, brilliant stuff.
BUZZ: The hash, like.
Why do you keep asking
about the hash, man?
Why do you keep asking
about the hash, man? Do'e?
We've been here for an hour now
and about three quarters of the hour have
been spent asking me questions about hash.
Go on.
There might be a bit of a
story behind the hash.
But listen, if I tell you...
Listen, I f*cking know well,
I know well, the craic.
I know what happened.
Fair play to you, you told them.
Well, I had to tell them, man. If you
can't tell your mates, who can you tell?
My mind is wrecked with
all this dr*gs craic, man.
I trusted you, man.
As long as Salmon and the Viper don't
find out, we're still in the clear, man.
- Hey, hang on a second.
- What?
How do you know that Buzz knew?
I thought it'd be f*cking
best if I told him.
All that sh*t you gave
me, and you told him?
You're a f*cking hypocrite.
- I'm not a hypocrite.
- You are a hypocrite.
I'm the captain of this ship, right?
And if it wasn't for me,
you wouldn't even be here.
Exactly.
[TYRES SQUEALING]
BUZZ: Ah!
What the hell's that?
Buzz, man? Are you all right, mate?
BUZZ: No.
- Do you need some help, like?
- I might do, yeah.
What the f*ck is wrong with you, eh?
Lads, I think I've broken me cock.
[ALL LAUGHING]
When you stopped the van so fast,
it kind of cracked down there.
Man, you shouldn't be using
the Boo's merchandise.
It'll be all right,
just rinse it out.
Ah, a bit of washing up
liquid, it'll be all right.
Hey, Buzz. Sure you screw
the old sump at the bottom.
Get rid of the residue.
You're an awful g*ng
of dirty pricks.
How's the Boo supposed to sell that
now second hand?
- Toasheen, can you pull this off, please?
- No.
- Please, we're mates.
- No, no, no.
- Ew!
- [ALL LAUGHING]
f*ck you. Some mates you are, boys.
Go back to your w*nk*ng
lair, good lad.
- Are we far from the Polish border?
- We're coming up to it now, man.
I just wish I didn't know about
the sh*t in the back.
- Look, we're in this together, right?
- Yeah.
- Just be cool and relax.
- I am, right?
Good. Because if we get caught
with that hash,
we're f*cked.
By police.
By Dutch gangsters.
- And worst of all, by the baboons.
- The baboons?
- You don't even want to know, man.
- What are you on about?
Look, go and summons Toastie, now.
We need him to be on his A game, right?
Yeah.
Frenchtoast! Frenchie!
- Get up here.
- Yeah?
- We want to talk to you.
- What do you want, man?
Are we nearly in Poland yet,
or what's the story?
What the f*ck is that on your face?
- What are you on about?
- Oh, my God!
- Look in the mirror.
- What the hell are you doing, man?
- What the f*ck is that, man?
- Oh, God.
Did you like the little doodle I did
on you while you were wet dreaming?
I'm going to f*cking k*ll you.
Ah, it's funny as f*ck, eh.
Funny as f*ck.
I hear Poland is very beautiful
this time of year.
Hmm. It's always very beautiful.
Ah...
Excuse me, can we enter your rather
fine country now, please?
- No.
- No?
We have to get on board
for contraband inspection.
Contraband? How do you mean?
Yes.
There are football fans
travelling here these days.
And unfortunately, many of them,
have been carrying things they
shouldn't have.
[VIPER TISKING]
Sounds like a case of naughty boys
with naughty toys.
You're confusing us with
the wrong boys, man.
We're sound Catholic lads.
Like yourselves.
So?
Might have something on f*cking board that
you might be interested in, like. Hey.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Here we go.
What do you think of that lobo?
A gift from the gods.
Eh! I see you have a little bit
of the taste for the fine stuff.
Take the head off.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
I see you're a man
who likes the taste.
Although don't drink too much,
otherwise your head
will be f*cking coming off, too.
You like that, eh?
Some man for the f*cking sauce!
- Ah, good, good.
- Yeah, it's good all right.
If it's one thing the
Polish like, it's mass.
And drink.
Steeped in barley for two months,
that shite, man.
[SPEAKING IN POLISH]
- Right, get lost.
- VIPER: See you later, lads.
We'll see you at the
f*cking football, yeah?
FRENCHTOAST: I'm on the edge of a
breakdown with all this sh*t, Eddie.
That's the last border crossed.
Thank God.
I've got Salmon's phone, right?
All we need to do is just ring Roman,
discuss the drop-off point.
Then drop off the stuff, we're sound.
Have you got the contact details?
Yeah, yeah, I kept them in me
socks for safekeeping.
Good man, get them
out there, will you?
No, no, not these ones,
these are me spares.
The other ones, they were hanging
a bit so I threw them in the back.
All right, well go and get them then.
Time is of the essence, man.
Hey! Yeh!
f*cking dildos fell on me head, you d*ck.
I was trying to sleep.
- Have you seen my socks?
- VIPER: What?
My socks, have you...
Have you seen my socks?
Aye, were they black, were they?
Yeah, black socks, yeah, yeah.
Aye, I f*cking burnt them
in the barbeque the last day.
You burnt me socks?
- I burnt them, set fire to them.
- Why would you burn my socks?
They shtank and l
needed kindling.
Along with a vest
and Salmon's crotchless briefs.
They weren't crotchless,
the gusset gave out.
f*ck your gusset, Salmon.
Relax, I'll borrow you
a pair of socks, man.
I don't want your socks,
I want me own socks.
If I don't get them, the
whole trip is ruined.
You don't know what
was in them socks.
I should have never
came to Poland.
VIPER: Look at the
sweat come out of you.
I should have never came to
Poland in the first place.
Whoo!
Let's get this f*cking
party started.
Bye-bye, Durkan. Bye-bye, dickheads.
Where are you now, Dragon and Stateside?
Huh? Nowheresville.
While I drive off into the f*cking
sunset with a sh*t ton of hash.
He hasn't stolen it.
He doesn't know about the hash.
- Unless somebody f*cking told him.
- Well, I didn't f*cking tell him.
Well, you told him.
You grassed me up.
- f*ck you, you twat.
- Don't tell me to f*ck off.
No, lads. Relax, relax, listen.
- Oh, big man.
- Oh, big man.
- Hey, off the drink. Err!
- Hey, the two of you f*cking talking.
Viper plus f*cking caravan, multiply by
hash, equals you'll never see him again.
f*cking hell.
Why do I feel guilty?
I got to stop smoking this f*cking weed.
You know, the lads are
f*cking sound and...
And you know, the hash like...
What do I do if I get caught
with the f*cking hash, Mary Jane.
Oh, them beds are very comfortable.
Where the f*ck did you come out of,
you f*cking...
Ah, I was just having
a kip down the back.
[HORN HONKING MELODY]
What's the craic?
Thank God.
Where the hell have you been?
Where were you, you gobshite?
Ah, hey, I seen f*cking three bikini,
hey, clad women down there.
They just... They weren't there
when I got there, though.
Like some kind of sex mirage.
For the love of God,
let's just get going to Poznan.
Let's just do this.
Let's Poz it up.
VIPER: This is our time, baby.
All aboard the Poznan ship.
I'm your captain, Captain Viper.
- Well, we made it anyway.
- Yep, the Windy Apple, boys.
FRENCHTOAST: Listen, we're here all right,
yeah, but we're not out of the woods yet.
Do you not remember any details of where
we're supposed to drop this sh*t off?
EDDIE: It was the name of a bar.
Frenchtoast, you were there as well.
Don't be putting this sh*t on me.
They said a f*cking pub in Poznan.
- Are you joking? A pub in Poznan?
- That's all I remember.
The f*cking place is
packed out with pubs.
Buzz, man. There was about fifty
boobs shoved in my face that night.
If I can't remember one of them,
and believe me,
I'm trying to remember that sh*t...
It's not my fault.
How am I supposed to f*cking know the
name of a bar in the middle of Poland?
BUZZ: Pair of clowns, lads.
Do you know what I mean?
- Hey, lads, lads!
- BOTH: What?
Just call our own f*cking mobiles.
Call Dominique.
She tells us where the drop
off point is, bam, bam, bam.
- That should work, actually, yeah.
- It will work.
Simple.
Know what, you're a
f*cking pair of geniuses.
Come here, give me
the phone, will you?
My phone?
- Please, for a second.
- What about roaming charges?
You, you tight bastard, man.
You peel an orange in your pocket!
- BUZZ: Give us two. Two quid.
- Just give him the phone.
All right, Zanzi Bar.
Twelve noon. Oldish.
Well, how old are we talking?
Right.
Okay, yeah, yeah, I will.
It'll be done, all right?
We can f*cking put this to bed
and that'll be the end of it.
Right. Bye.
Eddie, man, I can't do it.
What do you mean you can't do it?
I can't do it, man. We don't know what
we're getting ourselves in for down there.
Like what?
I don't know, it could be like
a sting operation.
Hey, we're in a foreign country.
Oh, I just wanna get
rid of this sh*t, man.
Do you know what I mean?
I just want to get rid of it.
Caused me enough f*cking hassle.
Sick of it.
But I'm just a simple lad
from the countryside, man.
I'm not cut out for this craic.
Who do you think I am, Heisenberg?
Toasteen, look, just get it over
and done with, man.
I'll just go and do
it myself, all right?
Oh, man, listen,
I'll keep watch or something.
EDDIE: Well, come on, so.
It's the least you can do.
[CLOCK BELL TOLLING]
The nettles grow faster this time
of year in Poznan.
[SPEAKING IN POLISH]
Huh? I'm sorry I not give...
Not give you the code.
You are Roman, yes?
[SPEAKING IN POLISH]
Yes, yes, yes, indeed.
[SPEAKING IN POLISH]
I have your package, Roman.
Is very nice, all the
way from Holland.
It's best.
You take now, it's all over.
It's finished.
I go home.
You go, I say bye-bye.
I'm gonna leave.
Very, very good stuff.
Good. Very good. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you, my friend.
Lads, when I dropped that f*cking thing
off, I didn't think I was coming back.
Do you know the way that back at home
there's like, like those f*cking big lads?
- Yeah, stocky boys.
- These fellows were f*cking massive.
Bit like pillars, or something?
Like pillars of the
f*cking crime community.
[MOBILE PHONE RINGING]
- Yeah, how many was there?
- About f*cking three of them.
BUZZ: Hello?
And I was just weighing
up the craic, right?
Gave them the package
and said, look,
that's the last you'll be
f*cking hearing of me.
And I was actually f*cking
broomsticking them, like.
Are you serious?
Hold it down, f*cking...
Hold on. Eddie, Eddie. Eddie.
- Pulled a f*cking g*n at me.
- He pulled a g*n out?
Talk to Dominique.
There, you lying f*ck.
- What?
- Pulled a g*n out?
He didn't even deliver the package.
Talk to Dominique.
It's not my problem.
Hello? Yeah.
No, I f*cking did it.
There was... Yeah, there
was one man there.
BUZZ: You have to feed us some bullshit
story about fighting lads outside the bar.
And then it turns out that you give
it to the wrong fellow altogether.
And then you have the f*cking cheek
to ask me to go
and fix your mistake with
the Polish gangster?
Listen, Eddie, I'm not going
near that f*cking place, right?
Look... They've no problem with you,
do you know what I mean?
It's myself and Frenchtoast
they're after.
You're on about being the
leader all the time.
Do you know?
Lead yourself out of this mess.
I'm useless, all right? I'm useless.
Is that what you wanna hear?
Because I'll tell you, I've no f*cking
qualms in saying I'm useless, right?
I'm a gimp. My mother said it.
Big Mick said it.
Even your man yesterday
in the sweet shop said it.
I'm useless. Are you happy?
- Ah, you're not that bad...
- No, no, no, I am. I'm...
I'm an arsehole,
I'm an absolute grade A gimp.
You're not.
I'm the one that made
a balls of everything.
I got him back on the drink.
I got us into all this
mess in the first place.
I mean, all I wanted to do is just come
out and have a bit of football, like.
I even made a balls of that, like.
I'll f*cking do it, right?
- I'll do it... Yeah, I'll do it.
- You'll do it?
Man, you don't understand how much
this means to me, Buzz.
All I'm asking you to do is go in,
tell them to look at the CCTV footage.
They'll see me, they'll see him and he's
probably a local. They'll get it back.
Just tell Salmon you're
going for a few pints.
Sure you'll be grand. You know what,
I reckon we're making a mountain
out of a molehill, man. You know?
Sure, knowing you, you'll probably
end up having pints with them.
[g*nshots]
[SCREAMING]
What have you got us into?
ROMAN: Do you like that, boys?
- f*ck off!
- For f*ck's sake!
f*ck, what age are you? Would you
grow up, please man, please?
Come on, stop the f*ck!
- You must have no fear.
- I do.
If you think that you
can come to my country
- and f*ck with me.
- No, no.
- No one fucks with Roman.
- No, I know.
You hear me?
I'm not trying to f*ck with you,
right? It was an accident.
My friend, former friend,
gave the hash to the wrong man.
And you have just f*cked
with the wrong man.
No, no, not yet.
I'll show you what an
accident looks like.
Don't, no, please don't, ah!
f*cking please, just...
Please, you're hurting my d*ck.
Here, just take my phone
and call Eddie, he'll sort it out.
He'll get you the hash. Please take
it away from there. I need that.
Okay, I prefer it if you give me
back what is mine.
Yeah.
- Then I don't have to k*ll you.
- I understand that.
So much screaming and begging
and mess.
No, I don't like mess either.
Just call him, please.
- Eddie... Eddie.
- [BUZZ BREATHES HEAVILY]
You boys are in some deep sh*t,
you know that.
- I know.
- I don't see an Eddie here.
He's under "knobjockey".
- "Knobjockey"?
- K-N-O-B...
Hmm. Hmm. Knobjockey?
Knobjockey. Oh! There we go.
I hope this f*cking knobjockey
can get you out of this.
Listen to me,
you f*cking piece of sh*t...
Hey, hang on. Dominique, is that you?
What are you doing on this phone?
Where's my hash?
Listen, your henchman
in Amsterdam have Eddie's phone.
Eddie has my phone. Ring my phone!
BUZZ: Call Salmon's phone.
Look, I don't know what
the f*ck is going on.
You send some monkeys
to do a man's job.
Call Salmon's phone. Salmon's.
- I'll call you back.
- Just call Salmon.
- So, now I call Salmon.
- He's under 'fishtits'.
- [MOBILE RINGS]
- Buzz, how'd you get on?
Eddie, we're at the wrong end of
a f*cking g*n range, right?
Get here in the next two hours with the
hash or the money or we're f*cking dead.
What?
Eddie, they're gonna f*cking k*ll us.
Are you serious?
So you find the hash
or you find the cash.
If I don't hear from you
in the next two hours,
I begin to sh**t your friends.
Slowly.
Starting from the feet,
then the legs, the
knees, and the balls.
For f*ck's sake.
It takes a very long
time to die, understand?
BUZZ: Eddie, don't f*ck this up!
Please don't f*ck this up, Eddie.
See? Don't f*ck this up.
And, Eddie, if you do
f*ck it up, listen,
just tell Moira that
I've got big feelings for her.
That I love her.
So, two hours or I sh**t them.
Toasteen, Toasteen, Toasteen.
Put on your best clothes.
- These are my best clothes.
- Are they your best clothes?
- Yeah, they're my best clothes.
- Good, good.
Right, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go down there to the square.
We'll find a lovely little
restaurant, flush old place, like.
The kind of place mob
bosses would go to.
- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When we get down there, right,
when we get down, this is what's
going to happen.
We have a nice drop of wine
and a few beers. We loosen up.
Take the edge off.
We order a nice bit of food.
And I'm thinking about a salad.
What we're gonna do
is we're gonna sit,
chill out in a nice,
pleasant environment.
And then we get inside
this man's head.
Find out what makes him
think in here, right?
And only then, and only then, will
we come up with a solution to this.
- So that's your plan?
- That's the plan.
What the f*ck is wrong with you, man?
- What?
- Our friends are going to get sh*t.
Shut up to f*ck.
All right, all right, all right, but
our friends are held at g*n point.
EDDIE: Shh.
And you wanna go for a nice meal?
- Yeah.
- What's wrong with you?
I'm f*cking starving, I haven't eaten
for two days, man.
- Me mind's gone wild.
- Okay, okay, I know, I know.
I'm going to f*cking start crying.
Okay, I know, I know, man,
I know you're under pressure.
Listen, man, if it's inspiration
you're looking for, I know a place.
For food?
Christ, I never thought
it'd come to this.
I know, kidnapped and sh*t at.
No, you telling some
ride that you love her.
Bit gay, isn't it?
I didn't f*cking say
I loved her, right?
- I said I loved things about her.
- Yeah, you did.
Listen, Buzz O'Donnell loves no
f*cking woman, only his old lady.
End of story.
What if we call the police?
Call the police and tell them what?
"Oh, our hash deal went sour."
They're bound to help
us then, aren't they?
I don't know, Toasheen,
I'm confused.
I feel awful about Buzz and Salmon
being chained up in some dungeon,
being sh*t at.
It's my fault, I should be there.
Well, it is your fault.
You're the one that made the mistake.
You know, maybe you should offer
to exchange places.
What good would that do anybody?
Well, it would get Salmon and Buzz
free, you knows?
Do you know, they're innocent
parties in all this.
You're not so innocent yourself, are you?
You were there in Amsterdam.
Lobbing it back like a suck calf.
Couldn't get enough of the carry-on,
could you?
Ah, but sure you know that's not the real
me. I'm sound without the drink, like.
If you're that sound, Toasteen, then
you go and offer yourself up instead.
- [STAMMERS] I suppose you're right, like.
- Yeah. I am right.
Do you know, it wouldn't really do
anybody any good, would it?
- It wouldn't.
- Do you know?
No.
It really wouldn't.
Ah, come on,
I'm a powerhouse of a man.
I'll lay pipe, I'll build walls, I'll
do anything, come on. Don't k*ll me!
Would you be interested
in any butt plugs?
I've got a van full of them.
Ah, it's all Ireland's fault anyway.
How is it Ireland's fault?
Well, if we didn't qualify,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
I have it. I have it.
- I think I've a solution to the problem.
- Solution?
- Yeah.
- What?
What's this town full of?
Lads, I need your help.
I've got meself into some bother, fellas.
Through my own selfish actions,
I've ended up doing the worst deed ever.
Getting my own friends into trouble
for something
I should have been man enough
to f*cking take on.
If I was more of a man, I would
have gone in and done it meself.
But I bottled at the last minute.
And now me f*cking mates
are in bother, you know?
- I need help.
- MAN: We'll help you!
I'm an Irishman, you're Irishmen.
From Castlebar to
f*cking Roscommon Town.
From Galway to Sligo.
From Kilkenny, to Longford,
from Longford to Limerick,
from Cork to Wexford and Waterford.
To Donegal, down Fermanagh.
The whole g*ng of you.
I just need some help.
- Are you with me, are you?
- Yeah!
Just to throw some juicy
weight behind some slaps.
- Will you help me fight the crimelords?
- ALL: Yay.
- And do it for Salmon?
- ALL: Yay.
- Will you do it for Buzz?
- ALL: Yay.
Fight with me, lads, will ye?
ALL: Yeah!
[YELLING]
We'll go f*cking daft!
EDDIE: Well, that was the dream.
But in reality, they all thought
I was just some crazy ginger bastard
shouting sh*t in the
corner of a bar.
EDDIE: Will you help
me fight, will you?
Do you ever shut the f*ck up?
Ah, right.
So that's a "No", is it?
- Ah, Salmon, me cock's in bits.
- Stop going on about your cock.
It's not like you'll
ever use it again.
Why, do you reckon Eddie's not
going to come through for us?
It's Eddie Durkan you're talking about.
How long have you known that lad?
I've known him all my life, Salmon.
He learned me how to read.
He taught me things I didn't know
about myself until I knew them.
He even showed me how to smoke. It's
because of him I'm such a good smoker.
That's true.
Twenty-eight years I've
known that lad, you know?
Drinking, fighting, smoking.
Eddie'll come through in the finish.
Do you think so?
No.
Actually, no, he won't.
I just don't know,
Frenchtoast, you know?
- I cannot f*cking think of anything.
- What are we going to do, man?
- No, what are we going to f*cking do?
- I don't f*cking know, do I?
- [CRACKS BEER OPEN]
- f*cking hell.
I just don't know, Frenchtoast.
[BLOWS VUVUZELA]
f*ck's sake, you f*cking
stupid bastard.
What's the craic?
Come on, you boys in green!
Do you not f*cking like
the football, man?
We're in the f*cking place of football
at the year of the f*cking football.
Look at the f*cking face on you.
Watch this. Vulvazela. 50 zloty.
- Don't, please don't. Please.
- [HORN SOUNDS]
- Football is my...
- Stop that shite, will you?
- What the f*ck is wrong with you?
- Or I'll put this up your arse.
- You f*cking...
- What the f*ck? Don't you f*cking dare.
- Don't f*cking make me jingle you.
- I'll f*cking k*ll you.
- I'll f*cking jingle you.
- I'll f*cking put you in that lake.
What the f*ck is wrong with him, eh?
- You don't understand, man. Listen...
- I'm only f*cking enjoying the football.
You don't understand.
The lads are gonna
get sh*t, you fool.
- Who the f*ck's gonna get sh*t?
- Buzz and Salmon are gonna be sh*t.
It was a hash deal that went wrong.
We're supposed to drop off
some hash for some Polish...
- Hash?
- Hash.
- Yeah, hash to some Polish gangsters.
- A big f*cking block of it.
And if we don't get it to them,
they're gonna sh**t Buzz and Salmon.
- Dead.
- They're gonna k*ll them, like.
I don't wanna f*cking alarm ye,
because I've a load of f*cking hash.
- I stole your f*cking hash. Listen, lads...
- You have our hash?
I shwapped it for a load of
f*cking wank mags.
Stuck it in a black
bag and I was gone.
Do you mean to tell me you
swapped our f*cking hash with
a load of p*rn which I gave
to some stranger on the street?
f*cking sneakily took off
with that hash, did you?
Yeah, but I f*cking... We've still got it, like.
I've still got it which means you have it.
Do you have the hash still?
- I've the f*cking hash.
- Don't do this to me now.
- I have the f*cking hash, yeah.
- You have the hash?
- Yeah.
- You do?
- Don't f*cking talk to me that close.
- You beautiful bastard.
What the f*ck is wrong with you, eh?
EDDIE: You beautiful twat, you.
VIPER: What the f*ck
is wrong with you?
EDDIE: Well, you've saved the day
and I hate to say it.
VIPER: I saved Buzz's life, eh?
Your best friend,
I saved his life, man?
Ah, here, hey, Durkan,
that lump of hash
has got to be one of the worst
kept secrets of all time, man.
Serious, like, you forget I have
the senses of a shnake, man.
Roman!
Of course I'll not sh**t your friends for
five thousand euro of hash. I'm not stupid.
But this kind of pressure is a
great motivator, don't you think?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, great motivation.
- It's also fun to have a joke, no?
How you say, a bit of craic. [LAUGHS]
It's erm... It's good, all right, yeah.
Ah... Hilarious.
Are we done now? Can we go home?
I've been through too much sh*t.
Are we done? Can we go home?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
After you give me a suck job.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa!
I told your friend Eddie I let you go
if he gives me suck job.
BUZZ: Eddie, just do it.
Just pretend it's a woman.
EDDIE: f*ck off, Buzz.
You do it, you prick.
Relax, I am f*cking joking.
It's the craic.
- I'm having a craic.
- Yeah, the craic.
[FANS CHEERING]
EDDIE: Ah, finally. Ireland versus Italy.
The last match in the group of death.
Sure the result didn't matter a f*ck.
Ireland were out of the competition, like.
But what was important was
the lads got together
and supported them in a time of need and
that's what it was really all about.
Being there and going the extra mile.
That's what I'd learnt.
It wasn't about who the f*cking alpha
male was or who the minions were.
It was about friendship.
I needed to repay my mates
with some tickets to the game.
Even if they weren't technically mine
to give away, like.
- EDDIE: Take that now, all right?
- BUZZ: Yeah.
EDDIE: You deserve it.
BUZZ: Eddie, I knew you'd
come through in the end.
- I apologise deeply for what I did to you.
- I know.
Putting you in that position,
I'm sorry, all right?
- We're BFFs. Big f*ckers for life.
- You're a crazy bastard.
Salmon. Did you think I'd
leave you out of it?
What did I tell you?
- SALMON: You'd get me a ticket.
- And what do you think this is?
- Look at that.
- Oh, you beautiful, beautiful man.
VIPER:
Hey, that's my f*cking ticket.
EDDIE: Enjoy the match, lads.
VIPER: They're my tickets.
What are you doing
giving them away, man?
Viper, you've caused us untold grief but
you've also f*cking lifted our spirits.
VIPER: I'm not giving them
a f*cking ticket for it.
Don't worry about that.
We're going to the fan zone.
- What?
- And that's the end of it.
What the f*ck am I gonna do there?
You're gonna have the f*cking craic
with myself and Toasteen.
Sound.
Good man. Viper, you're a
sound old f*cking arsehole.
All right, sorry for being a prat.
I'm sorry I'm only f*cking...
I'm only an arsehole
'cause I love you.
- I know you are, you bastard.
- Hey, watch this, like.
- Go on.
- Hey, watch this.
[BLOWS VUVUZELA]
Hey, in fairness, lads,
I tell you one thing.
EDDIE: What?
It's good to be back in the
cosy old cottage, isn't it?
It is, Toasteen. A man has to go away
to come back, as the old saying goes.
[WOMAN MOANING]
- Even if it is a bit depressing.
- It's nice depressing, like.
- Cock is f*cked.
- f*cking hell, mate. You all right?
No, I'm not happy at all.
Another two or three weeks now
before she's working again.
You've worn her out.
What's going on with the woman
noising in the room there?
Well, she's on one of your sex toys.
You know that purple dildo?
I gave you that sh*t in good faith.
Sure what can I do about it, like?
You hardly got a receipt
off her, did you?
EDDIE: Well I brought something back
from Amsterdam myself.
Does it hurt when you piss?
No, I got this, fellas.
I hope you're ready.
BOO: What is this?
- All I say is, who are the minions?
- Is that hash?
- Is this? I don't know, you tell me.
- Are you f*cking serious?
BOO: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
FRENCHTOAST: Oh-ho-ho!
BOO:
Where'd you get that stuff?
Let's just say that's a little bit of
commission I got off a consignment.
Off a job well done, boy.
Hey, in fairness, lads,
you're not the only one
that brought something back
from Amsterdam.
What do you think of this
little bad boy?
ALL: No!
[CROWD CHANTING AND CLAPPING]
Hardy Bucks Movie, The (2013)
Moderator: Maskath3