02x06 - Wrath of Comic-Con

[bunniefuu]

I know phone booths are hard to come by,

but that doesn't make it okay for you

to take your pants off
in a Verizon store.

$700 and time served.

Ugh! Comic-Con.

Please say the next case
is a good old public urination.

Does it count as public urination

if the person doing it
thinks they're invisible?

Oh. How embarrassing.
We're wearing the same thing.

Except you went to law school
and I stole mine from Dry Bar!

Heather, so glad you're here!
Take five, everybody.

Get over here, you!

- Oh!
- Oh.

Okay, okay. Put me down.

Everybody, this is Heather.
She's my oldest friend.

We met on the first day
of kindergarten. She was 10.

I've wanted to visit Abby
since she moved here.

I'm dying to try New York's
famous Nashville hot chicken.

Always a pleasure meeting
people from Abby's hometown.

You're all so annoyingly outgoing.

And possibly inbred.

Ooh! And check you out,
Miss Big Time Blazer.

I bet you watch the news.

I bet you've been on the news.

I have. I fell in a gorilla pit.

Oh, my God! You were Baby Heather!

You still look the same.

That's because a lot of these
are still baby teeth.

We should get back to work.
I'll get you the keys

so you can drop your stuff off
at my place.

No need. I'm good.

They let you in anywhere
if you say you smell gas.

That's my friend Heather. [CHUCKLES]

- Isn't she fun?
- Oh, my God. You hate her.

What?! No! We've been friends forever!

She gave me my very first piercing...

which led to my second tetanus sh*t.

No. You hate her.

The lifeless laugh,
the fake, phony "fun."

That wasn't fake or phony.

- Ah. Ice cream.
- Fun!

- Puppies.
- Fun!

- Heather.
- Fun.

You do hate her!

Fun!

See, when he says it, I believe it.

- This is nonsense.
- I don't know, Dan.

You think you'd be a hot catch
with these lady nerds.

You look like a rich wizard.

What kind of stunted man-child
goes in for this kind of stuff?

One who's seen the world
for what it really is.

Morpheus. From "The Matrix."

Good God. You're one of them.

I mean, that's surprising.

You present as a person who's had sex.

If you don't think
these people are having sex,

you don't know Comic-Con.

For five days, the horniest
indoor kids in the galaxy

gathered to dress up and bed down.

And since this is my first Con
since the divorce,

I'm ready to show all the ladies
we're living in a... stimulation.

I wish we were in the Matrix.

Learning kung fu is taking forever.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Hide me.
It's Julianne.

[HUSHED] It's Julianne!

You know I don't know who that is.

I just started working here.

It's a woman Dan prosecuted
back in the day

and showed up last year for revenge.

But I thwarted her efforts
to destroy my life

when she saw how sad it was.

Hey. You'll find love someday.
I mean, look at me.

I bounced back after my dalliance

with Christopher Meloni.

You dated Christopher Meloni?

Our connection was deeper than that.

He shadowed me for his greatest role.

I assume you're familiar
with "Bailiff: The Musical"?

The nudity was my idea.

Shut up. Shut up. Where did
she go? Where's Julianne?

- Dan Fielding.
- [YELPS]

Well. Hi, Julianne. [CLEARS THROAT]

What brings you here? Hopefully
through a metal detector.

I'm just visiting
the new man in my life.

He's very attentive.

You know, constant check-ins,
wants to know where I'm going,

who I'm seeing... what's in my urine.

So he's your parole officer?

Ah, it's too soon to put a label on it.

Ah. And how good is he
at monitoring your access

to things that might...
what's the word... explode me?

Dan, you have nothing to worry about.

I mean, where is the fun

in ruining a life
that's already in shambles?

You have some nerve.

I'll have you know
this man's life is robust.

He was a judge
in his beloved New Orleans,

and he happens to be best friends

with someone who was the inspiration

for one of Christopher Meloni's
greatest Broadway triumphs!

Well, Dan!

I'm glad to hear you're doing so well.

Now maybe we can have some fun
together after all.

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

You know, she could be
laughing at something else.

Oh. Where are my manners?

Julianne. I'm gonna ruin Dan's life.

- And... selfie!
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

You know, you don't have to
say "selfie" every time.

So what do you two country mice
got planned for the big city?

Who knows? When Heather's around,

it's always an adventure.

One minute, we're getting
cupcakes, the next,

we're at an underground club
called "Oontz."

It's named after the song.
You know the one?

♪ Oontz, Oontz, Oontz, Oontz ♪

Yeah. She knows the song.
She knows the song.

You went to an underground club?

You ask them to turn down the music

and crank up the lights at Outback.

No one could hear
my Crocodile Dundee impression.

Aww! Do it!

[AS MICK DUNDEE] That's not a Kn*fe!

Isn't that bad?

[NORMAL VOICE] See?
That's why Heather's the best.

She tells it like it is
and really pushes me

out of my comfort zone.

I love that about her.

Then you are gonna love
what I have planned for tonight.

I'm gonna take you
on a midnight helicopter tour

of Manhattan.

And I got a deal because the
helicopter doesn't have lights!

I'll text the "pilot."

Why are you using air quotes?

Cause he's in the air.

Why are you putting up with this person

you have nothing in common with?

You call 30 years of friendship
nothing in common?

You know, if it wasn't for Heather,

I never would have tried
Wild Cherry Pepsi.

And thanks to those Pepsi points,

I got to meet Ray Charles.

Okay. Well, have fun.

It's a good thing you two are so close,

since you'll be sharing an urn
when they can't figure out

how to separate your ashes.

So, how was your
helicopter trip with Heather?

Had its moments!!

Nothing makes you appreciate the ground

like plummeting towards it!!

You know you're not on
the helicopter anymore, right?

In a lot of ways, I'll always be on it.

But all in all, it was fun.

There it is again.
That fake, phony "fun."

The fakest, phoniest "fun" yet.

Okay! You're right!
I admit it! I don't like her!

This friendship should
have ended a long time ago.

I guess now I have to go tell someone

that I've known for three decades,

"Well, oops.
Turns out you've always sucked."

Wait. You're...
You're just gonna tell her?

Like, with your mouth? That's
sick, you sicko! Just ghost her.

And just never talk to her again?

Wait. Are people doing this
all the time?

I don't know. Ask 'em.

If they don't respond,
then, yeah, they're doing it.

- Hey, "Scabs"!
- Heh-heh.

Look at you,
dusting off the old nicknames.

She had eczema. She wore
a turtleneck all summer.

Then I came up with the name
"Scabs," and everyone laughed.

[CHUCKLES]
So, uh, you think you're gonna

leave first thing tomorrow to
get a jump on the traffic or...?

Actually... Excuse me.

There's something I needed
to talk to you about.

Last night, when you were clinging to me

in that helicopter,
I realized something.

I miss this.

My boyfriend, Ronald, doesn't get me.

He says I dream too big
and snore too wet.

So I'm breaking up with him
and moving in with you! Yay!

Yee-hee-hee!

[STRAINED] I don't know what to say.

Because it's hard to say
all the curse words at once?

Ooh! Batman! I'm gonna go talk to him.

I heard he's rich and a big ol' freak.

So, it says here you were charged

with sneaking into Comic-Con
without a ticket.

- Not me. Him.
- Back here.

You guys must have a close relationship.

- What's your secret?
- The important thing

is knowing what you're getting into.

You said it, brother.


I agreed to this costume.

Haven't looked back. Or forward.
It's best to just look down.

I have to say...
it's nice to see two friends

that are totally in sync.

But, still, one of you is trespassing.

- So, next time, cover your ass.
- [CELLPHONE DINGS]

No! My sitter for Comic-Con just bailed!

Gurgs...

is there any way you'd babysit?

[LAUGHS] You can't afford me.

Why not just bring the girls
to Comic-Con? They'll love it.

Of course they will. It's...

It's all their fantasies come to life.

But I'm trying to make
my fantasies come to life.

Okay, everyone. Stay cool.

Not you. That ship has sailed.

Julianne is back. Catwoman. Second row.

Hm. She looks different with
a bunch of cats on her.

Not her. Her!

Ooh! That is a quality straitjacket.

Ah! The prisons never let me keep mine.

Julianne is not gonna
make a move in here.

This place is crawling
with police officers

and a... bunch of other things
she should be scared of.

So as long as you never
leave this room, you're safe.

Oh, right. There's only
one problem with that.

I hate this room.

I have a better idea.

This may be some of my finest work.

Something about this feels familiar.

I'm not gonna lie, Dan.

This might be the best
you've ever looked.

You know, from the right angle.

I want to kick my own ass.

Now to really sell it, remember...

Klingons are a prideful,
ruthless, humorless species.

So you might want to...
not change a thing.

I don't want to scare you
out of moving here,

but I just want you to know what
you're getting yourself into.

Like, did you know
that crime is really up?!

Good thing your new roomie
knows parkour.

If we get att*cked
in a construction site,

things are gonna look real cool
real fast.

Also, it's really expensive here.

That's where my money-saving
tips come in.

You are throwing away good money
on toothpaste.

Anything foamy is fine!

Oh, my God. I just realized.
You don't want me to move here.

- Ohh...
- You need me to move here.

Wow. What a roller-coaster
ride your brain must be.

- [CELLPHONE BUZZES]
- Oop. Sorry.

I got to take this.
It's my ex-boyfriend's mom.

Connie, you were wrong.

I just talked to Scabs,
and she loves the idea!

Hey! Whatcha doin'?

How long have you been out there?

Oh, definitely longer
than you wish I was.

You're not gonna scare her off.
You're too nice.

I saw you reconstruct a spider web.

How would you like it
if you came home from work

and your house was destroyed?

Just leave this to me.

Who's ready to get wild
in the Windy City?

That's Chicago.

Ugh. Climate change.
Ever heard of it? Egh.

Ah, wish we could, but Scabs
and I are stuck at work.

But if you really want to get
wild, go where the locals go.

- Port Authority bus terminal.
- Ooh!

It's like a rave mixed
with a prison riot,

a fight club,
and surprisingly good pretzels.

I'm in. See ya later, Super Mario.

Another fun nickname
I gave her in high school.

- "Super Mario" Overalls?
- No.

- Red hat?
- No.

- Mustache?
- Yep.

What's your plan for human?
Meat or pets?

- Hold it right there!
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

No!

Um, hello. For the very first time.

Sorry. Y... You go ahead.
I'm just waiting for this guy

- that I'm gonna psychologically destroy.
- Ah.

Just out of curiosity...

What do you plan on doing

to this unfortunate,
but I'm going to assume

devastatingly handsome fellow?

Oh, I like to stick to the classics.

Arson. Identity theft.

Framing him for a
multimillion-dollar art heist.

- [GROWLS]
- Ah, when the real heist

is what those guys get paid
for their art, right?

I mean, congratulations.

You took a lovely piece
of marble for a statue

that could have been a great countertop.

Yeah. Funny. I hate art, too.

But I never say anything
because it makes me sound crazy.

- I don't think you're crazy. Art is dumb.
- Julianne.

Oh. They call me... Maltz.

She had no idea who I was.

Our eyes met. Our hands touched.

Our blood stayed inside our bodies.

You know, Julianne is quite lovely

when she's not hell-bent on... revenge.

Just be careful, Dan.
I don't want you to end up

head over heels...
in the trunk of her Buick.

No. That's just the thing.

For one glorious moment,
the room faded away

and we were just a Klingon
and a Catwoman,

as God intended.

Well, my Comic-Con is screwed.

I couldn't find a sitter,
so now I have to bring my kids

because I care about
their safety, like an idiot.

Well, at least you still get to go.

Yeah. Wearing this.

I'm no longer Morpheus,

keeper of all the secrets of the Matrix.

I'm Rocky, the worst "PAW Patrol" dog...

... whose power is garbage truck.

Well, some of us have costumes
that women think are cool,

so could we...
Woop-woop woop-woop woop woop.

Haven't heard from Heather.
That's a good thing, right?

Maybe she caught a bus
to Nashville to try

their famous Philly cheesesteak?

Or... Wyatt's gonna say this.

The People vs. Heather Baskets.

Oh, noice! Abby's my judge!

Two bailiffs? That means
she's Double Dangerous,

which was Christopher Meloni's big

number in "Bailiff: The Musical."

***

The defendant is charged
with illegal gambling

and inciting a riot that led
to a bus being lit on fire.

A riot and a bus fire?
You were gone for an hour.

Your Honor, this wide-eyed
innocent was lured to New York

by a so-called friend

who then abandoned her
in her time of need.

Do you even know
what you're talking about?

Eh, kind of winging it.

Can we just stick to the facts, please?

Miss Baskets started a sidewalk casino,

but it was with the best of intentions.

A bus headed to Atlantic City
broke down.

They wanted to gamble. I took some bets.

Then they wanted to get paid.
Who would have seen that coming?

I don't know. Anyone?!

Hold on. Are you mad at me, Scabs?

It's Judge Scab...

- Judge Stone... when you're in my court.
- Okay, Dad!

Uh, P.S... none of this
is even my fault.

So you did nothing to cause
an 80-year-old woman

to throw a lit cigar at a bus?

For the record, the cigar
was thrown into a garbage can,

and then the garbage can
was thrown at the bus.

- Yeah, Abby.
- Not on your side.

This is just like that time
in third grade

when you got all mad at me
'cause I told you

the only way to win at dodgeball
was to catch it with your mouth.

I got athlete's mouth because of you!

And a lot has changed since then.

For instance, I'm a judge
and you're a criminal.

Alleged!

Although that seems
beside the point now.

I know that what I did
wasn't technically legal,

but I was pushing boundaries...
like I do with you.

It's why we're friends,
and you love that about me.

I don’t love that about you.
I don't even like you!

But I'm Baby Heather!

Your Honor, in light of
this contentious discourse,

I'm wondering if maybe you would
consider recusing yourself.

Oh, ya think?!

So, looks like the trial
is gonna be tomorrow.

Don't worry. You're in front
of Judge Mulaney.

He's a horrible misogynist,

but he believes women
can't commit crimes.

Do judges always come down here

to personally deliver news
to alleged criminals?

Or were you coming to say you're sorry?

I am not, but I do wish
the truth came out differently.

Not in an open court
and not at the volume

I reserve for yelling, "Encore!"
at the Rockefeller Center

Christmas tree lighting.

I've been thinking. City
living might not be for me.

You would not believe
what I just paid this guy

for dru-u-u-um sticks.

- I don't see any drumsticks.
- I did them all.

Heather, you're gonna have
a lot of fun in your life,

and I can't wait to not be involved.

Well, B.T. Dubs...

you really let me have it
in front of your work friends.

Guess old Heather got you out
of your comfort zone after all.

You're welcome, Scabs.

Well, let's get you back in there.

Alright.

So, uh, how about
we put on a sorting hat

and see what house we're
going back to... yours or mine.

That would have worked
if I was dressed as Morpheus!

Okay, Wyatt. I'm coming to Comic-Con.

Trinity! Nice!

I'll take your kids
to the "PAW Patrol" panel

while Morpheus looks for "The One"...

who will have sex with him. [LAUGHS]

But you got to make it back
before Chris Meloni

shows up to sign posters for

"Bailiff: The Musical: The Movie."

He and I have unfinished business.

You know, when I came here tonight,

the last thing I expected
was to find someone like you.

Oh, I'd love to see you again.

Oh, I'd like that, too.

Maybe at a masquerade ball.

Or a year-round Halloween store.

Or... Ooh! Immediately after
your cataract surgery.

Or maybe we don't wait.
You know, let's...

let's just get out of
these ridiculous costumes

and get into a bed.

I want to see all of you.

Oh, yes. Julianne. I want to...
I want to show you all of me.

But there's something
y... you should know.

I'm hideous.

I don't care about looks.

I mean, take the guy that I came
here to destroy, for example.

You know, he's handsome. Great dresser.

Your build and shoe size.

Same hands.

And when he's scared,

he lets out this signature little yelp.

- [YELPS]
- It's you!

Yeah. Sorry. Wait, wait. Please.

I didn't mean to trick you!

I just didn't want you to m*rder me!

Then we started talking, and I
didn't want that to end either.

So I just kept going,
and now you probably

want to revenge me
even more than you did before.

So whatever it is,
please just do it quick!

[GRUNTS]

Am I dead?

I have feelings that
I... I can't explain.

I... I don't want revenge anymore.

I don't want to play cat-and-mouse

with detectives at the end of their rope

or cut my parole officer's hair
while he's asleep

so that he steadily goes bald
and never knows why.

I only want... Dan.

I don't know what to say.

T... There are no words in Klingon
for what I'm feeling.

I assume. I did no research.

But I need to take it slow.
How about dinner next week?

Oh, next week is bad.

- Um, how about four to six months?
- What?

Ugh! This guy is obsessed with me.

So, I b*rned an improv theater
to the ground.

You know, any one of you
would have done the same thing!

Wait for me, Dan!

And I'm not asking.

- What just happened?
- Forget it, Maltz.

It's Comic-Con.

[ECHOING] C-o-n-n-n-n-n-n-n!