Last Action Hero (1993)

[bunniefuu]

(SIREN WAILING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(GARBLED RADIO TRANSMISSION)

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

OFFICER ON RADIO: This is
squad, we got him here.

We have a positive ID. It is the Ripper.
Repeat, it is the Ripper.

This is one hell of a way to spend Christmas.

Mulcahey!

MULCAHEY: Sir.

Secure the sidewalk.
No one in or out.

Yes, sir.

(MACHINE g*n f*ring)

RIPPER:
Got a present for you. Pigs!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Damn you!
Let the children go!

Damn you, Ripper!
Let the children go!

Slater! Don't even think it,
Slater, you hear me?

You're gonna sit and wait for
the real hostage negotiator!

God damn it, Jack, I'm talking to you!

The last time you pulled this jive,
jitterbug, tough gonad sh*t,

people lost body parts!

Now, you go in there and it's your badge!

Jack! I know, as mayor
of this great metropolis,

you and I have had our little tiffs,
but this is the Lieutenant Governor.

Slater, here's what I...

When the governor gets here, call me.

Slater's attempting to enter. Do not let him in.
Repeat, do not let him in.

Piece of cake.

Hey.

You want to be a farmer?
Here's a couple of acres.

Dekker, the next one I'll hurt.

DEKKER:
Slater, don't go in...

Check fire. There's an officer in the building.

I say again, there's a plain-clothes
officer in the building!

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

Jack, what kept you?

Dad!

Andy here's been getting nervous.
I promised him you'd come.

Gave him my word of honour
he could watch you die.

Lose the cannon.

Has he hurt you, Andrew?

RIPPER: Hurt, Jack?
You say "hurt"?

What do you know about hurt, Jack?

You put me in a cage for 10 years.

You should have gotten the death penalty.

Yeah, would've, should've, could've.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Things crawling around in your head.

Sitting on my chest when I wake up.

Do you know what that's like, Jack?

It was your illegal search that
rendered the bloody axe inadmissible.

Remember, Jack?
Now lose the g*n.

All right, I'm unarmed.
So let the boy go.

Just one g*n, Jack?
You got to be kidding.

(RIPPER CHUCKLES)

ls that all, sport?

Yep, that about does it.

Then step away.

Chop-chop.

Oh, unless you consider this a w*apon.

(REMOVING GRENADE PIN)

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

Brilliant, Jack.
Brilliant. I surrender.

It's a live grenade.

Yeah, right, Jack.
Right, right.

You're going to sacrifice
your own child to get to me.

I'm very flattered, Jack, but I doubt it.

Andy, pick up the grenade. Go on.

Show it to me. That's good. Right there.

Jack, that toy can't hurt the boy,

but this one can.

(SCREAMING)

DANNY: Focus!

Hey, come on! Focus!

Hey, people are trying to sleep.

Yeah, right.

The film is out of focus.
The film is out... Never mind.

Nick!

Nick!

Nick.

Nick?

Nick, you okay?

What?

The climax is on the fritz.

Oh!

All right.
All right.

I never used to do that, Danny.

It's okay.

I've seen this Slater six times.
I just got worried.

You know, the new Jack Slater opens
this weekend at the Odyssey.

Like I didn't know that.

"They k*lled his second cousin.
Big mistake."

(MIMICKING expl*si*n)

"Jack Slater IV."

Well, I'm checking the print tonight,
midnight. Just myself.

I could arrange for you to gain
admittance, that is, you know,

if that sort of thing appeals to you.

See it before it opens?

Yeah.

Who do I have to k*ll?

Nobody. All you have to do is get to school.

You know, if you hurry, you're
only going to be four hours late.

TEACHER: Treachery, conspiracy,
sex, sword fights, madness, ghosts.

And in the end, everybody dies.

Shakespeare's Hamlet couldn't be more exciting.

And though it may seem that he is
incapable of taking any action,

he is, in fact, one of the first action heroes.

What you are going to see is a scene
from the film by Laurence Olivier.

Some of you might have seen him
in the Polaroid commercial,

or as Zeus in Clash of the Titans.

O, bosom, black as death!

(CHILDREN GIGGLING)

Help, angels!

All may yet be well.

Now he's praying, and now I'll do it.

And so he goes to heaven.

Don't talk. Just do it.

Hey, Claudius.

You k*lled my father.

Big mistake.

(SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER: Something is rotten
in the state of Denmark,

and Hamlet is taking out the trash.

Stay thy hand, fair prince.

Who said I'm fair?

ANNOUNCER: No one's going to tell
this sweet prince, "Good night."

To be or not to be.

Not to be.

IRENE: The whole morning?
He wasn't.

No, I said, "He wasn't."
He wasn't at school today.

He's sick as a lamb, poor dog.

Regale me with the story of your life

starting this morning,
8:30, first period,

American history and make this really good.

I mean something along the lines of,
"I cut so I could donate a kidney."

You were at the movies again, weren't you?

And that crazy old guy is an accessory.

Nick's not crazy.

Oh, damn it, Danny!

You know, I'm in there, lying to a principal,
me, a charter member of the PTA.

And what for?
So you can go to the movies?

Sorry.

I didn't choose any of this.
I didn't choose it.

I didn't say, "Hey, what the hell,

"let me see what it would be like to be a
widow before I'm 40, give that a try."

I know that.

Give me a hug.

I won't cut again.

Let me hear the "p" word on that.

- Promise.
- All right.

Oh, Jesus! I'm late.
I got to get to work. All right.

Lock the top lock the minute
I close the door, okay?

And do not open this door for anyone.

- Bye.
- Bye.

MAN 1 ON TV:
She called her mother in

and they're trying to do something about it.

MAN 2: They had cereal bugs.
I can't wait to see the new...

MAN 3:
...continue to be a big problem...

MAN 4:
Come here often?

ANNOUNCER:
Ron Rice for one reason.

MAN 5:
What you eating?

MAN 6:
Nothing, maggots.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You alone?
Okay. Move it!

Do yourself to the drain.

Whoa-ho!

Tough guy-

Do it. I'll make it
easier for you.

Go ahead.

Do it.

What is it with you?
You got junk!

No jewellery, no VCR.
A sh*t TV that will get me 20 bucks.

Go fish, amigo.

Remember now, your mom says
you're to go straight home.

She'll be there when the shift is over.

DANNY: Yes, sir.

If we find the guy, I'll give you a call.

Nick!

Nick!

Come on.

I about gave up on you.

Sorry.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I've never seen anything like it.

It's not too tight, is it?

No, no. It's...
It's the style.

I always wanted to be a magician, but
my hands, they were just too tiny.

My father, he was bookkeeper
here and he got me my first job.

Usher. It was still
a vaudeville house.

Then I worked myself up to projectionist.

It's not much, but it's still show biz.

So... ls the print
ready to roll?

Just a minute, young man.
Aren't we forgetting something?

A ticket.

You got to have a ticket, Danny, to see a movie,

and have I got just the one.

See, when I was about your age,
Harry Houdini played this theatre

and my pop took me backstage
to see him after the show.

And he made a gesture,
Houdini did. Like this.

And all of a sudden, this was in his hand.

And he said to me, he whispered,
he said, "This is a magic ticket.

"It was given to me by the
best magician in India,

"and it was given to him by
the best magician in Tibet.

"It's a passport to another world.

"It was mine,
and now it's yours."

And now it's yours.

What does it do, Nick?

I never had the courage to find out.

I had the ticket for years and I wanted to try,

but I guess I was afraid it wouldn't work.

See, when I was your age,
Houdini was like a god to me.

But what if he was faking?

And then again,

what if it did work?

Yeah, well, what if it did?

Well, Houdini said something else to me.

He said, "This ticket has a mind of its own.

"It does
what it wants to do."

And that always made me just a little edgy.

Well, I guess there's only one
way to find out, then, right?

Please retain your stub, sir.

NICK: Shall we see if Mr Slater wins this time?

Jack Slater can't lose!
Never has, never will.

(ANGRY AGAIN PLAYING)

♪ Enraged my mind
starts to smoke

♪ Enforce a mental overload

♪ Angry again

♪ Angry ♪

VIVALDI: Oh, Frankie.

Frank. Frankie.

Frankie, why you keep on with the insults?

I would never insult you, Mr Vivaldi.

When you lie, that's an insult.

I know you're Jack Slater's favourite
second cousin in the whole world.

You all the time talk to each other.

I got to know what Slater knows,

and you are going to tell me, huh?

Does he know that my mob and Torelli's
mob have just signed a secret pact

to control...

To control all the dr*gs in Southern California?

We mostly talk muzzle velocities.

g*ns.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

(g*nsh*t)

VIVALDI:
Meet Mr Benedict.

The genuine article.
And, you'd better believe it.

Sometimes, he likes to bake
while he's sh**ting people.

(TITTERING)

What I'm saying is Mr Benedict can
take you out as easy as cake.

Pie, you Sicilian schmuck.

The man is a surgeon.

You want me to make him operate on you?

I swear, I don't know.

Dump him at his place, huh?
But take it easy.

(CHUCKLING)

He bought it.

He actually believes me and old
man Torelli are banding together.

Beauty part is, nobody knows different.

Not till after the funeral.

Then everybody knows.

Huh?

Everybody knows Tony Vivaldi

is number one.

You are going to pay.
Oh, are you going to pay.

Are you sure this is the right address?

This don't look like no cr*ck house to me.

What do you want?
Sixty guys dancing on the lawn,

throwing cocaine at each other?
Just kick the door in.

What's up, guys?

Quiet.
This is a drug bust.

A drug bust?

You must be joking.
My second cousin Frank lives in there.

The only dr*gs you'll find in there are aspirin.

And if you touch that front door,
you're going to need them.

Maybe there's been a mistake.
We received an anonymous tip.

Frank? Frank? Frank?

Frank?

Frank.

Jack...

Jack, listen to me.

Who did this?

Listen to me.
This is important.

Tony Vivaldi and the Torelli mob

are joining forces.

I'm out of here.

(GASPS)

Frank. Frank!

I'm sorry, Frank.

It's a b*mb!

He's okay. Minor wound. Both cops dead.

(OFFICER COUGHING)

Two days to retirement.

(BIG g*n PLAYING)

♪ Riot on the radio

♪ Pictures on the TV

♪ Invader man takes what he can

♪ sh**t on the silver screen

♪ Stickin' 'em up
and knocking them down

♪ Living out a fantasy

♪ ...cruising around

♪ In a big black limousine

♪ Don't let it be wrong,
don't let it be right

♪ Get in his way, you're dead in his sights... ♪

(STUTTERS)

Nick? Hello?

Nick!

(expl*si*n)

(EXCLAIMS)

Who the hell are you?

Don't sh**t me. I'm Danny Madigan, I'm a kid.

How did you get here?

I'm not quite sure where "here" is, sir,

but I don't think you want to know.

Okay, close your eyes, stay flat and don't move.

You're driving with no hands.

You think it's easy?
You have to practise a lot

and never ever do it in heavy traffic.

Iced that guy.
To "cone" a phrase.

Wait a minute. The bad puns,
the voice, the hard rock.

This is happening.
This is really happening.

(CLANGING)

This is not happening.
Repeat, this is not hap...

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

DAN NY: Oh, no!

(THUDDING)

I booted. Sorry.
I thought I was going to die.

I'm sorry to disappoint you,

but you're going to live to enjoy all
the glorious fruits life has to offer,

acne, shaving, premature ejaculation
and your first divorce.

Boy, does this suck weenie or what?

This is a movie set.

This is a movie set.
That's how the scenery changed, right?

You're going to play chicken, aren't you?
Just like Jack Slater.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(REVVING)

Fasten your seat belt, please.

Your fingers?

Cross as many as you can.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

I'm in the movie.
Holy cow, I'm in the movie!

Nick, Houdini wasn't faking.

(expl*si*n)

Jack, did you see that?

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXCLAIMING)

I was just in a real police
station and this is much nicer.

Hey, Slater, it's your ex-wife on two.

You stay.
She's always calling me.

Hello, sweetheart, how are you?

It's so nice to hear your voice.

Oiler, you're partnered up with Waterman.

Give me a partner, Sarge.

SLATER: Uh-huh.

That is right.
Uh-huh.

Yep. Of course.
No, just as you say.

SLATER ON TAPE:
Yep. Uh-huh.

Krause, you're teamed up with the rabbi.

SLATER: Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice!

John Practice, you old SOB.
What are you doing away from Washington?

The bureau thinks something
strange is going on between...

And this is top secret...

I know. The Vivaldi mob is joining
forces with the Torellis.

Damn it, Jack, how do you do that?

Well, I'm not parked behind a desk
all day eating those doughnuts.

Those are government doughnuts, my friend.

It's not easy work.
I got to call DC.

Good for you.

Watch it, Jack.
He k*lled Mozart.

In a movie?

Amadeus.
It won eight Oscars.

I saved his life in Nam. I'll make sure
to be on the lookout. Thanks.

Now, no more movies!

DEKKER: Slater!

I got the city council chewing my
eggs off for that plane you crashed!

I got the mayor scheduling
parades, up my Lincoln tunnel

for that stunt you pulled on the beach!

Everybody wants to know, what it is,
what it ain't and what it will be!

Do I make myself clear?

I'm just doing my job

You've given this department the
worst reputation in the country.

Now I've got the Chamber of Commerce
doing cartwheels in my cocoa factory.

SERGEANT: Radcliff, you're pulling
duty with the animated cat.

Hiya, toots.

(GASPS)

I'm getting a flea bath later.
Join me?

You touch me again, fur ball...

Wait! I can prove this is a movie.

Who the hell are you, kid?

Look out there, there's a cartoon cat.

He's supposed to be back on duty.

He was only suspended for a month.
Now, shut up.

Listen to what I'm saying.

An animated cat just walked
into the squad room. Hello.

He'll do it again tomorrow.
So what's your point?

DEKKER: That cat is one
of the best men I got!

Yeah.

Now who is this twerp?
And why is that smile on his face?

I just love the way you two fight,

knowing how you really feel about each other.

Pray tell, just how do I feel

about this weird-looking
sack of puppy poop?

You're dearest friends.
After your wife left you for the circus midget

and Jack told everyone he drove her to
New England to the diphtheria clinic.

When he came back, you said,

"You saved me from public humiliation, Jack.

"You're my dearest friend."

And you promised me you wouldn't tell.

I didn't.

Then how did he know?

Jack Slater I.

DEKKER: What's winning
got to do with this?

No! The very first Jack Slater.

You told your dad?

I didn't tell anyone.
I don't even know this kid.

Well, he seems to know a lot about us.

No such number.
No such name.

The state of New York's never
heard of you, Mr Madigan.

- What's your real name?
- Danny Madigan.

- Where are you really from?
- 355...

- How did you get in the car?
- I...

I fell off a walk over a bridge.
Slipped into your car.

He saved my life.

Truth at last.
Now, why were they after you?

My second cousin Frank found out
some crucial drug information.

I wouldn't put too much faith
into what Vivaldi told him.

How do you know Frank mentioned Vivaldi?

I know a lot about what's going on.

Now if you will just listen to me...

All right, son, I've got the
perfect listener for you.

Meet your new partner.

SLATER: Oh, no.

Better to die.

You're going to love it, Jack.

I mean, we're perfect
buddy-movie material.

I'll teach you to be vulnerable,
you'll teach me to be brave.

Hi. I'm Jack Slater's
new partner.

Jack and I will be working together
for the duration of the film.

You know I'm right.

If this was the real world, I mean,
they wouldn't make me your partner.

They'd assign me to a social worker.

Here's one.

Tell me how I know they tortured Frank

and then stashed him behind his front door.

Because I saw it all on screen,
because this is a movie.

You're very clever. And the only reason
why I'm not roaring with laughter

is because someone k*lled my favourite
second cousin and that's a...

Big mistake. That is what you
were going to say, right?

Gee, how would I know that?

No one likes
a smart-ass.

Okay. Then sh**t me.

That's right. Take your g*n, point
it at my head and pull the trigger.

Come on, do it.
I double dare you.

You're not going to do it, are you?
And do you know why?

Because people like you
don't k*ll kids in movies.

Because, believe it or not,
Jack, you're the good guy.

You really believe that we're
inside a movie, don't you?

Yes!
All right.

I'll give you 10 minutes to
prove it and then I sh**t you.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

OFFICER: Slater!

Quick, where are the Schwarzenegger films?

Foreign films are in the back.

No, action.
This guy's an action star.

Down the centre on the left.

No. It isn't possible.

What's not possible?
He's fantastic.

This is his best performance ever.

But that was you.
You were in that movie.

You were in a movie?

Yes. It was called
The Girl of My Dreams.

It starred you.

As a matter of fact, we had this
very romantic scene together.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

What's the phone number of this store?

555-2310.

Okay. What's your home number?

That's okay. You can give it to him.
I'm a police officer.

555-3812.

Amazing.

I'm willing to bet that
everyone has a 555 number.

- So?
- So...

There can only be 9,999
numbers that start with 555.

How many people live in LA?

Eight or nine million.

Aha!

That's why we have area codes.

(GRUNTS)

Is this your kid?

This? Oh, no.

This is a mental patient and I'm going
to take him downtown. Come on.

Okay, I got one.
What about this girl right here?

She is way too attractive to
be working at a video store.

I agree with you. I think she
should be working with us.

Undercover, of course.

Look, the point is there are
no unattractive women here.

I mean, where are the ordinary, every-day women?

They don't exist, because this is a movie.

No. This is California.

And by the way, thanks.

I think it was really slick, the way
you got this girl's phone number.

Okay, Mr Non-believer.

I'll take you to the house where
your cousin Frank was tortured.

I've seen it, on screen.

DANNY:
It's kind of like that one,

except it's got to be on
the other side of the road

'cause it's got an ocean view.

Listen, there's something you don't understand.

This ticket is magic, and it really works.

Any second we're going to
drive right into a theatre.

Maybe I need to warm it up first.

Of course. My decoder ring has
to warm up, too. All the time.

Okay, okay. The house
looked European.

Like maybe you get a postcard
from Italy or something.

Like that one. In fact,
just like that one.

The bad guys are in there.

(CHUCKLES)

You know something? I think
you should be wearing this.

I don't think I've earned it yet.

You don't understand.

You just solved the entire case.

You just revolutionised the entire
history of police training.

I mean, all these years at the
academy, studying human character,

psyche of the t*rror1st, fingerprint analysis.

All the courses that I've taken in surveillance,

hostage negotiation and criminal psychology...

When all I had to do is just
drive around the neighbourhood

and point my finger at the house and say,

"The bad guys
are in there."

You think you're funny, don't you?

I know I am.

I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.

DANNY: Schwarzenegger.

Gesundheit.

May I help you?

Yes. Could I speak to the drug
dealer of the house please?

I beg your pardon?

It's a beautiful day and we're
out k*lling drug dealers.

Are there any in the house?

(CHUCKLING)

Be ready for anything.

Wait.
Where are you going?

I'll be back.

You didn't know I was going
to say that, did you?

That's what you always say.

I do?

Everybody keeps waiting for you to work it in.

It's kind of like your calling card.

I understand you're interested in drug dealers.

Yes.

(WHISPERING) Jack, that's him,
the henchman with the glass eye.

Sir, are you a henchman?

No. I only go as far as lackey.

Will there be anything else?

Yeah. Take off your sunglasses.

Who's asking?

The tin man.

Well, tin man, suppose you hit the bricks.

No. They're the wrong colour.

Are they? Oh, dear.
By all means, let's change them.

Would arterial red suit you?

(GROWLING)

Make no mistake.
They are exceptionally well-trained.

I snap my fingers again, and some time tomorrow

you emerge from several canine recta.

Or you and Toto can go back to the land of Oz.

Questions?

Yeah.

Two of them.

Why am I wasting time
on a dime store putz like you

when I could be doing something
much more dangerous?

Like rearranging my sock drawers.

And two, how exactly are you
going to snap your fingers

after I rip off both of your thumbs?

Have a nice day.

He had one with a bull's-eye when
he was with your second cousin.

He hates his boss.
He calls him a Sicilian schmuck.

How did Slater find out?
Will you tell me?

VIVALDI:
I want him to join me, but he's nuts.

He keeps going after the bad guys.

Where is it written I'm a bad guy?

Find out who talked and have him k*lled.

Then, Slater.

Hey. Hey!

What's with you?

We should change the funeral arrangements.

Are you crazy? When I say bloodbath, there is

- a bloodbath.
- A bloodbath.

I'm going to find out more
about Slater's short friend.

DANNY:
Come on, Jack.

That guy has got to be guilty of something.

Yeah. He's guilty of acting like an assh*le.

If I arrest him, I have to
arrest half of Congress.

Why did we park back there?

In case my ex-wife
is around.

Don't worry, she's not. Her
name wasn't in the credits.

Kid, who does the doctor treat?

Patients.

Look at the elbow of my jacket.
What is it doing?

Wearing thin?

Bingo.

Geez, that was a stretch.

Wow! ls this what you drive on the weekends?

No, this is my little girl's car.

Come on.
Knock on the door.

I told you,
your ex-wife's not home.

Her name wasn't in the credits.

Meredith?

I hope you mean Whitney.

Sorry. Whitney.

You're not Skeezy, are you?

Daddy! Oh, my God.

(SHRIEKING WITH EXCITEMENT)

Daddy!

You've gained some weight.

Hi. I'm Danny Madigan and I realise
I haven't had that long of a life,

but I just want you to know that from
now on, it's all going to be downhill.

Hello, sweetheart, you look wonderful.

Thank you.

So, who's your friend?
He's cute.

No, he's not cute, he's hopelessly insane.

Very soon he's gonna tell you he
loved you in Gone with the Wind.

This is her first movie.

You see?

Now who is Skeezy?

It's just a sorority thing, Dad.

What they do is they assign you a freshman,

and when he comes to the door, you kiss him.

Do you have to kiss him?

Oh, Dad, would you come on?

Okay, would you grab the phone

and if it's for me, I'll be out of the shower

in less than one hour for sure.

SLATER: What a cutie.

It's old evidence. Counterfeit case.
Looks real, doesn't it?

Turns funny colours when you burn it.

Try using it for alimony.

What's wrong?

You don't happen to have a cigar, do you?

"I'll be back."
I know, I know.

ANDREW: Dad! Dad!

(SCREAMING)

He would have been your age.

I know.

(SIGHS)

The Ripper k*lled him three years ago.
Pulled him down off the roof.

Your dad saw everything.

How did you know all that?

Your pop gets in the papers a lot.

I'm interested in crime stories.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

That's Skeezy.

I'll get rid of him.

Hello, Toto.

(DANNY GROANS)

There, there, and there.

WHITNEY: No! Let go of me!
Let go of me!

(SCREAMING)

Stop it!

Evening.
Uncle Jack around?

Mr Slater's off tracking a lead somewhere.

(WHITNEY SCREAMING)

Joey, would you teach her the virtue of silence?

Right.

Benedict.

If you harm a hair on her head...

Stop!

(SCREAMING STOPS)

(GRUNTING)

WHITNEY: Go away!
Stop it! No!

You were saying?

(CHUCKLING)

Now, I believe it was Sherlock Holmes who said

that if you eliminate all the
logical solutions to a problem,

the illogical, however
impossible, is invariably true.

You see, I know that your
name is Daniel Madigan.

What I don't understand is how you know mine.

Slater showed me some mug sh*ts.
We made your face easy.

Daniel Madigan from New York City.

Awfully long way away from home, aren't you?
When did you get here?

Just.

And how do you know what I
said on Vivaldi's terrace?

I heard a recording.

Microphones in the statues, are there?

You wouldn't believe how many.

And the eye I was wearing?

I saw it.
I saw it in a movie.

There are micro cameras in the statues.

I should tell you that I have k*lled
people smarter and younger than you.

Look, whatever this is,
it's between you and Slater.

There's some money in the desk.

Take it and leave me and Meredith...

Whitney alone.

Holy sh*t, boss.

It looks like 2K in here.

BENEDICT:
Just a minute.

Give it to me.

These bills are marked, aren't they?

You were trying to sucker me
with marked bills, weren't you?

Burn it.

MAN: Burn it?

Yes, burn it.

Don't play games with grownups, little boy.
You'll get hurt.

(SCREAMING)

Stop it! Stop it!
Oh, God.

Big mistake.

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLES)
It's great, isn't it?

Now, we'll hurt you just a
little bit, but you'll...

Freeze!

Lose the g*ns or I redecorate
in brain-matter grey, got it?

Yes!

You k*ll me and I'll k*ll him.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHING)

Leave it.
Get the door.

Boss?

Hi.

(GROANING)

Don't give up your day job.

(SCREAMS)

Jack!

(COUGHING)

Don't leave home without it.

Go!

Where are you going?

Got to catch the red-eye.

I don't believe this.
I'm in the movie, and...

I'm in the movie, and I'm
missing the best action!

Punch it. Let's get
the hell out of here.

Go back up to the top!

Next time, we get thicker armour.

Like a t*nk.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Chicken, it is.

This is gonna work. It's a movie.
I'm a good guy. This has got to work!

I'm a comedy sidekick.

Oh, sh*t!
I'm a comedy sidekick!

It's not gonna work!

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

(GROANING)

Well, I think I scared him pretty good.

You did great.
Come on.

DANNY:
Benedict's got the ticket.

SLATER:
That's too bad.

I wanted it for my collection.

HARRY MORTON:
I told you, Blanche isn't here.

She won't be back for two hours.

GRACIE ALLEN: I know.
I'm gonna wait for her.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It is a shame.
It's so romantic.

BLANCHE: Well, I'll never get any work
done if I stay here and think about that.

I'll run with Jane to the store.

GRACIE ALLEN: What a shame.
Two tickets to Hawaii.

Oh, I've gotta get her a husband.
Maybe Blanche can help out.

ANNOUNCER: We'll be right back after
this commercial announcement.

SALESMAN: You know, if you're
looking for a new or used car,

see me first. Give me first cr*ck at the deal.
I'll b*at anybody else's deal.

I'd gargle anti-freeze
to b*at anybody else's deal.

So see me first, give me first sh*t.

Now here's a nice car.
Seventy-three, this is a Landau,

top power steering, power brakes,
air conditioning. $999.

If you're looking for trucks, we got trucks.
We got all kinds of trucks.

'79 pickup, $2,999.

Here's another one.

This is a Long Bed. This is $3,999.
Can't b*at that.

Give me first sh*t...

(TWILIGHT ZONE THEME PLAYING)

ROD SERLING: You're travelling
through another dimension.

My name is Skeezy.
S-K-E-E-Z-Y, sir.

S-K-E-... No I-E.
Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING
ON POLICE RADIO)

Say this.

Hey, grow up.

Just say this one word.

Is this another one of your movie proofs?

Maybe.

Kid, I don't want to say it.

Say what?

You can't.
You can't possibly say it

because this movie is PG-13.
Admit it.

SKEEZY: Officer Slater,

the guy with the missing eye,
I saw his licence plate.

Well, good for you.

You mean the guy with the glass eye?

No.

When he was running for the car, it was missing.

It's got words.

"Vengeance is..."

Don't touch!

DEKKER:
You flipped up on all of it!

God damn it, that's all I can take from you!

I got the California Raisin Counsel doing

an all-male version of
The Diary of Anne Frank,

doing an all-male version
in my fuzzy slipper!

Tiny Tim is tiptoeing through the tulips!

Did you catch that?

DEKKER:
You ball-peen jack-a-menace.

I slurped about all the cock-sucking
toast I can take from you!

You know you...

(SCREAMING GIBBERISH)

I think some of it's English.

Well, see if this is clear enough!

Give me your badge!

And this time, you won't get it back.

Wohlschlager, you're partnered up with
the black-and-white digitalisation

of Humphrey Bogart.

What, are you making some changes?

Come on, why don't you come and
work the funeral with me, anyway?

I mean, I don't know, I wouldn't miss this one.
I hear Torelli spent a bundle.

He's got a damn helicopter
circling the building.

A rooftop funeral service in Long Beach.
How's that for taste?

Who d*ed?

Leo the Fart was sh*t yesterday.

Somebody was trying for Torelli and missed.

Leo was tough.

He could do everything but sneak up on you.

(LAUGHING)

Look, look, if you change your mind,
I'll be in front of the hotel.

Huh? Huh?

Where are we, anyway?

Home.

(HORNS BLARING)

Geez! How did you know
there was a guy in there?

There's always a guy in there.

Costs me a fortune in closet doors.

Right. Like in Slater, Part II:
The Sagittarius Strangler.

Yeah, in a few seconds, you're
gonna meet the Madigan strangler.

I just got fired.

What you find so entertaining
happens to be my life.

Now I'm not even a cop any more.

DANNY:
You'll get your badge back.

He was just pulling rank because you
destroyed more of the city than usual.

Jack, you're not just my hero,
you're everybody's hero.

And it will all be okay again.
Trust me.

No, Danny.
It's getting harder.

I never started out to be
anything but a decent cop,

but I kept getting involved
in these crazy adventures.

But the craziest part is, I kept surviving.

Jack, these are the sequels.
They gotta get harder.

But look on the good side.

I mean, you've got a great daughter.

And your ex-wife wouldn't keep calling

if somewhere deep down she didn't want you back.

Danny, do you think I would
marry someone so stupid

that doesn't know the real
voice from a taped one?

I pay a cashier at the drugstore to
call me every so often at the station

so the guys think I have a private life.

My ex-wife, she's happily remarried.

She never calls.

(CHUCKLES)
And Whitney.

Why can she not be like every other teenager?

On prom night, she stays home
and field strips an AK-47.

She's going to die a young maid.
I know it.

I'm going to buy it soon, too.

No way. You can't die
till the grosses go down.

That guy Vivaldi,

I heard him say something was
going to happen at a funeral.

Now this Leo the Fart is going to have one.

Maybe we should look into that.

Yeah, yeah.
Whatever you say.

Jack, it's a funeral for
a guy named Fart. Hello?

Funeral?

Check this out. Someone tried
to k*ll old man Torelli, right?

Missed and sh*t Leo the Fart by mistake.

- Right.
- Uh-uh. Wrong.

Who took the sh*t? Was it Benedict?
Most likely.

Would he miss? No way.
Unless he wanted to miss.

You're saying
he meant to miss? Why?

Because, amigo, Leo the Fart was very, very fat.

Get it?

No, I don't.

They broke in last night.
They cut Leo open like a turkey,

stuffed him with TNT, he goes off at the funeral

and takes out the entire
Torelli mob, all at once.

Vivaldi owns the town. That's
what all this has been about.

Vivaldi's going to blow up that funeral.

No. No. It wouldn't
just be a b*mb.

I mean, we've already had a
dozen explosions in this movie.

Danny, don't start that again.

Nerve gas!

What are you talking about?

Three canisters of nerve gas were stolen
from m*llitary trucks the night before last.

They could have stuffed those inside him.

And you know what that means, don't you?

Uh-huh.

Leo the Fart is going to pass gas one more time.

Mr Torelli, I hope it's all
right with you I am here.

I don't want to be no fourth wheel.

TORELLI:
Nonsense, Antonio...

(SIGHING)

Fifth Wheel.

That's nice.
Thank you, thank you.

Did you hear that, Benedict?

Family.

Go pay your respects, huh?

(BEEPING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Stay in the car.

No way.
I'm coming with you.

Kid, let's say this is a movie.

How many times have you heard someone say,
"Stay in the oar" and the guy doesn't?

What happens?

He saves the day.

Or gets k*lled.

Good point.
I'll stay in the car.

Wait a minute! What if staying in
the car is what gets me k*lled?

There's a g*n in the glove compartment.

Practice!

PRACTICE: Makes perfect.

You decided to join me, huh?

The Fart is a b*mb.

They're going to take out the whole Torelli mob.
We've got to stop it.

That explains the break-in at the mortuary.
Geez, that's brilliant.

Come on. We'll use the service entrance in back.

Who are you working for, John?

What do you mean?

We both know there's no side
entrance to this hotel.

(CHUCKLING)

Sorry, Jack. I didn't want
it to go down this way.

Danny told me not to trust you.

He said you k*lled Moe Zart.

Moe, who?

Zart.

I k*ll a lot of people. I
can't remember half of them.

DANNY: How do you get
to Carnegie Hall?

(g*n COCKING)

In a body bag, if you don't drop that.

That's doubtful, kid.

Real doubtful.

(CHUCKLING)

Thanks for the fingerprints, kid.

You're about to m*rder Jack Slater.

Here. Chain yourself
to that pipe.

See, Jack, these drug guys, they got
more money than the U.S. Government.

SLATER: So you cut a deal with a
Sicilian scumbag like Vivaldi.

PRACTICE: Right you are.

You see, Vivaldi made up with
Torelli, but it was a phoney.

He's going to destroy him.

So, in exchange for letting him alone,

he gives me a profit percentage.

I'll be rich, Jack.

You'll be dead, but...

Freeze!

(GROANS)
Toss me the cuffs.

Man, are you an idiot!
You made the classic movie mistake.

Don't explain so much.
You had to get in those last few words.

I mean, if you had just fired,
you would have won.

But, no, you're the typical villain.
Dumb.

VIVALDI:
You ain't no genius yourself, kid.

The Fart goes off in seven minutes.

Get my car.

Move it.

Well, I'd love to stay and watch the fun,

but I have to go and establish my alibi.

(BIDDING FAREWELL IN ITALIAN)

So, is this the day you
were talking about saving?

I don't see you doing anything.

I wouldn't want to steal your thunder.

No, no, no.

You stay here and make sure
everything goes on as planned.

You had Slater in front of the eight ball
before, but you always screwed it up.

All right.
Let's go.

(SIGHING)

It's behind the eight ball, you moron.

Somebody once told me I talk too much.
No more words.

(g*nshots)

Whiskers! Where the hell have you been?

Sorry, Jack.
Fur ball problem.

(COUGHS)

Seal off the area. There's a possible
chemical expl*si*n in five minutes.

Thanks, Whiskers.
I owe you one.

Forget it. You saved my fur plenty of times.

You see the hook of that crane?

I want it on top of the roof
in two minutes. Go.

Wait. How do I get them
to do that?

(WOMAN SOBBING)

You got to help me move that crane!
You got to help me!

I got to get that crane to the roof.

MAN: sh*t.

Hey, wait a minute! You got to work this thing!

(PANTING)

I don't even know how to drive.

(ENGINE RUNNING)

DAN NY: Whoa!

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Hey!

Pardon me.

He was a good man.
A flatulent man.

Do you hear this?

Help me.
Get me out of here.

My God!
This man's not dead!

(GUESTS CLAMOURING)

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

Get out of the way! This man needs a doctor!
Out of my way.

This man needs a doctor!

I'm a doctor.

- You're a doctor?
- Yes.

Check his chin.

(GUESTS GASPING)

The doctor has fainted. Can
somebody help this man here?

I'll take the corpse...
I mean, the patient.

Look, an elephant.

Hold it! Don't sh**t!
He'll drop Leo!

Don't sh**t!

(ALL GASPING)

(CLAMOURING)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, sh*t!

Watch out!

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

It's a no-fly zone, fella.

(CREAKING)

sh*t!

(SILENCE)

(SCREAMING)

(TIMER BEEPING)

Danny! He's ticking! Move the
crane as fast as you can!

Danny! Stop the crane
now! Stop it!

Drop! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Damn you! Go!

Gas bag, drop!
Damn you! Drop!

Drop! Gas bag, drop!

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

(g*nsh*t)

Get out of here!
Everybody out!

(f*ring)

(expl*si*n)

(RUMBLING)

Silent, but deadly.

Bring the car around.

Can't. The helicopter
landed on it.

I hate when that happens.

You know, tar actually sticks to some people.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON STEREO)

Hey, Dad! I heard
you were here.

I thought you could use some clothes.

Thanks, honey.

Wait a minute.

No one finds this a little convenient?

Hey, kid, you always said
this is a movie, didn't you?

VIVALDI: (SHOUTING)
How did it go?

Hey! How did it go?

Come on. I'm dying out here.
How was it? I want to know how it went.

Come on, move your butt.
How did it went?

Splendid.

What?

It went splendidly!

Wait, wait a minute.
I can't hear you.

I don't want to miss a thing.
Come here. Come here.

Hey, Benedict, get your stuff.

Yes.

Was it beautiful?

Perfect in every detail.

(LAUGHING)

And the gas tanks.
Poof! Were they okay?

Like clockwork.

You should have been there.

Men, women and children dropping left
and right, writhing and screaming.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait. Wait a minute.
I want to enjoy it all.

Go on, go on.
Tell me, tell me.

They were writhing and screaming and
leaping to their doom to escape the pain.

Really? Really?

No, not really.
I'm lying.

It was a complete and utter balls-up

and I've had a terrible day,
thanks largely to you.

(STUTTERING)
What is this, Benedict?

First, you're my friend.
Now you turn a

- 360 on me.
- God.

One-eighty, you stupid,
spaghetti-slurping cretin.

One-eighty!
If I did a 360,

I'd go completely around and
end up back where I started!

What?

Trust me.

If that little turd, Daniel Madigan,
can move through parallel worlds,

I can move through parallel worlds, in and out.

In, steal whatever I want, and out again.
Impossible to catch.

If God was a villain,

he'd be me.

You want me vacuum now?

No, thank you.

But the pool could benefit from some attention.

Very good.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Don't move.

All right, Slater, I'll go quietly.

The hell you will.

(GROANING)

That was for blowing up my
second cousin, Frank's house.

And this is for blowing up
my ex-wife's house.

But this... This is for
my daughter's black eye!

Usually, when I do that, it leaves a hole.

The ticket. Jack,
he's got the ticket!

It's the key to everything. It's magic.

See? That's my world!
He's gone over to my world!

The door, it must still
be open. Come on!

I'm not worried that you're crazy any more.

I'm worried that you're right.

But if I go, how do I get back?

You can't go through life
nitpicking every little thing.

Now, come on!

The hell with it.

There was nothing to it.

We're still here.

Are you sure about that?
Look.

BENEDICT:
Quickly! Quickly!

I want to see if Nick's okay.

There's no time.
Come on.

What the hell?
We're in New York.

Jack, it all makes sense.

No, actually it makes absolutely no sense,

but I'll try to explain it you.
Later.

Meantime, please be careful.
Things work different here.

(HORNS BLARING)

Get out!

All right.
Don't get feisty.

The car's a piece of junk, anyway.

Drive, bonehead!

Here's another expl*si*n for your movie, kid.

Not a word.
Not one word.

My hand.
It really hurts.

Things work different here.

You can't smash a car window with
your bare hand and not have it hurt.

Thanks for sharing.
You couldn't have told me this earlier?

I think the taxis are bulletproof.

Jack, we got to get that ticket back.

No way, Slater. Please. Listen to me.
It won't work, you hear me?

You can't play chicken
in real life. You'll crash!

Out of the car, amigo.

This isn't the movies any more, Jack.
Here, you have to reload g*ns...

Go, Danny!
Get out!

Car crashes can k*ll you!
You hear me?

You are going to die! Jack!

What did I do?

(HORN BLARING)

Oh, Christ, please.

Damn it, that hurt.

You're lucky you're still alive, you dumb idiot!

Hey, '89 Mercury Sable,
standard driver's-side air bag.

Checker Cab, no air bag.
Who is dumb?

Okay, okay. Just make sure they're dead.

Give me a break.
They're dead.

Just check, will you?

They always look dead!
Like in Die Hard.

The guy's hanging there by his neck and
at the end of the movie he comes back.

All right.
Make sure to cover me.

I think he's got a windshield wiper.

Maybe he used the ticket.

Maybe it's on all the time now.

What is this place?

Where am I now?

Danny, you got a place I can sit down?

Yeah. Come on.

Nick! Nick!

Danny. Oh, my God. I was so worried.
Are you okay?

Did you see what happened?

No, I slept the sleep of the
dead, kid, in here until

I woke up at 2:00 in the morning
and I figured you'd gone home.

I wasn't home, Nick.
I was in the movie.

I'm getting a little up in years, kid.
Define "in."

Whitney kissed me on the mouth.

I drove one of those great big cranes

and dropped Leo the Fart
in the La Brea Tar Pits.

I was with Jack Slater every step of the way!

Oh, my God.

The ticket works?

I could have used it all this time
and I never used it 'cause I...

(CHUCKLES)
I was too frightened.

But it's not too late.
I can still go visit

Garbo in Camille.

Jean Harlow.
Oh, boy, I had a crush...

Monroe in Bus Stop.

(STUTTERS)

Forgive me for going on like that, sir.

I'm a great admirer of your work, too.

Nick, it isn't who you think.

(WHISPERING)
You mean, it's... ls he...

(STAMMERING) This is a wonderful
moment for me, Mr Slater.

I've never met a fictional character before.

How new and exciting this must all be for you.

Hey, I just found out I was imaginary.

I mean, how would you feel if you
found out that somebody made you up?

Your job, your marriage, your kids.

Oh, yeah.
Let's push his son off the building.

Gives you nightmares the rest of your life.

But you're fictional, so who cares?
I'm sorry,

but I don't find it so new
and exciting to discover

that my whole life has been a damn movie.

Well, you're young and impressionable.

You know, there's lots worse things than movies.

There's politicians and wars and
forest fires, and famine and plague...

Sickness, pain, warts, politicians...

You already mentioned them.

I know I did.
They're twice as bad as anything else.

Most of my life's been movies, too.
Well, showing them.

But that's all over for me now.

The theatre's shut.

I'm gonna clear out my stuff, and
then it's the wrecking ball.

But now, I got another chance.
Could I have the ticket back, please?

Well... We've got this one little

hiccup.

What do you mean "hiccup"?

Benedict's here, too, and he's got the ticket.

That madman with the glass eye?

How the hell are you going to get back?

That's a good question.

But we wouldn't want to nitpick.
Right, Danny?

Now, you just follow my lead.

(WHISPERING)
Where have you been?

Have you got any idea what time it is?

The police called.
You're not there, you're not here.

Mom, I'm sorry. Okay?

(SHUSHING)

"Okay?" "Shh"?

There are nine million kids out there with g*ns

and that's all you have to
say to me, "Okay?" "Shh"?

Will you get in here?

Well... Mom, wait.

You know how you always say you
wished I had more friends?

Well...

Hello, Mrs Madigan.

Arnold Braunschweiger.

(RADIO BLARING ROCK MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Sweetheart, want to have a party?

How old are you?

Forget it.

(g*nshots)

No, you get the shoes!
Take the shoes!

Come on, we ain't
got time. Come on!

Take his shoes?

No screams?

No sirens?

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Yeah?

I'm sorry to bother you.
I wonder if you'd help me test a theory.

Sure. What can
I do for you?

Well...

(THUDDING)

Hello?

I've just sh*t somebody.
I did it on purpose!

I said, I have m*rder*d a man,
and I want to confess!

MAN:
Hey, shut up down there!

SLATER:
I don't know what to say.

I feel a little shy and embarrassed right now,

but, I mean, I understand that,
for some reason, we look alike.

(LAUGHING)
It's crazy...

IRENE: The thing is, you really
do look uncannily like him

except for one thing, the eyes.

You are obviously much more intelligent.

Thank you.

Good morning. Good afternoon.
Good to see you.

What kind of eggs do you want?

Scrambled.
Have you guys been up all night?

Why didn't you tell me that Jack was a cop

and why didn't you tell me
you spent the whole night

in a police station looking at mug sh*ts?

You could have taken two
minutes to call your mother.

Why didn't you tell me you had no friends?

And what is this business about
going to the movies at midnight

when you knew your mother would be worried?

Mom. You turned him
into a wimp.

Oh, I think not.
Toast?

No, thanks.

Jack, are you okay?

We talked.

I mean, I never just talked
to a woman before. It's neat.

Neat?

Wimp. Next, they'll be
talking about sex.

Me and Jack are going out today!
I'm helping him on a case!

Oh, no.

Your licence to k*ll expired at
4:00 this morning, young man.

Get in here and eat some eggs.

Mom, I have to help.
I'm the only witness.

You know, like the kid in the
movie with Harrison Ford?

There is no comparison.

We're not Jewish.

- Amish.
- Whatever-ish!

Irene. Don't worry.

It won't be that hard.
There are eight million in this city.

And I'm very good at catching people.

Yeah! And the future of the world
may be at stake, and, and maybe...

(SHUSHING)

Could you turn this up, please?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

What's that?

Mozart.

The guy Practice k*lled?

(CHUCKLES)

That's right, Jack.

You like classical music?

I don't know.
I think I will. Wow.

You tell my mom who you really were?

Yeah, a cop from LA.

I mean, really.

Well, real enough.
For right now.

So you think for sure you're going to catch him?

I always catch everybody.

And you're going to spot him from up here?

Hey, give me a break. It's the first
time I've been to anyplace real.

Now, this ticket of yours...

It worked in one movie.

Does that mean that Benedict could use it again?

You mean on other movies?
Why would he want to do that?

I don't know.

But it's a start.

BENEDICT:
The possibilities are limitless.

But I realised after the car crash

that the ultimate freedom would always elude me

until Jack Slater was, and forgive
the pun, taken out of the picture.

And I thought perhaps you might
like to be inclined to help.

Look, I understand that all this must
be strange and difficult for you,

but if you do this right, the
world is your oyster. Trust me.

You can have complete freedom
to do whatever you want.

Beyond even your wildest dreams.

And you'll never have to
go back to this film again.

Now I know you've never heard of this man,

but his actual name, believe it or not,

is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

DANNY: Jack, there's got to be a
thousand theatres in this city

and we've been looking for five hours.

We are that close in catching him.

No, Jack. We're that close to catching pneumonia.

Look, in my world, they just leave clues.

But we're not in your world!

Or they just show up and then kidnap me.

That kind of stuff doesn't happen here,
Jack, because this world stinks!

Hey. The world is what
you make of it, Danny.

Now if you want to give up
and go home, then go ahead.

You believed in me in the movies. Why not now?

Because here, you're just...

Just what?

Oh!

(MAN WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING)

Jack... Jack,
there he is!

Jack!

Are you nuts?

- Damn it!
- Hey, you crazy assh*le!

DANNY:
Jack, he's just a cabbie!

You've seen those movies where they say,

"Make my day" or
"I am your worst nightmare."

Well, listen to this one,
rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Ha! You didn't know I'm gonna say that, did you?

(STUTTERS)

- Where did he go? Talk!
- How would I know?

The guy was in the back reading the paper.

You were right, Jack. He has
been going to the movies.

Kid, that ain't the half of it.

(ON PA) Hi, I'm Army Archerd, and
we are live to you from New York.

We're just moments away
from the world premiere of

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Jack Slater IV.

And here's the man they've come to see, folks.
There's no mistaking that car.

Here they are, Arnold Schwarzenegger
and his lovely wife, Maria Shriver.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

So good to see you all.

Are you a big-time fan
of Jack Slater films?

I've enjoyed... It was just beautiful...
I just loved it.

The National Enquirer.
Don't talk to them. Okay?

Hi, how are you? Look, Time magazine.
That's great. Hi.

Hi. How are you? Hello.

Now remember, don't plug the restaurants.

I just hate it when you plug the
restaurants or the gyms. It's so tacky.

So why was he going to the movies?

Maybe to get help.

Benedict can do damn near anything with
the ticket, but we still know who he is.

So he's got to take us out.

He can't get to you.

Suppose he doesn't have to get to me.
Suppose all he has to do is get to him.

Benedict is going to k*ll Schwarzenegger.

Who's Schwarzenegger, who's Slater.

Bingo.

We k*ll less people in this movie.

This movie we only k*lled 48 people

compared to the last one, where we k*lled 119.

And I want to make sure that
the action fans understand

we make up for it with a good story,
lot of emotions, depth, dimensions...

ARCHERD: There are thousands
in attendance here tonight.

And millions more are listening
to us live around the world.

I'm going to direct it,
produce it, and star in it.

- Is this guy a success story, or what?
- It's unbelievable.

Only in America.

Well, only in Hollywood, I would say.

And talking about Hollywood,

at Planet Hollywood, we have this incredible
memorabilia. Yes, I'm telling you...

Excuse us, we're just gonna get going.
Thanks very much.

...absolutely fabulous.
I'm telling you.

You embarrassed me, you low-forehead.
It was humiliating.

How could you do something like that?

GIBBONS:
Chris, check this out.

Look, it's the Ripper from Jack Slater III.

Scary.

Let's "axe" him a question, okay?
See if we can get him over here.

Wow, will you look at this?
A method villain.

Rip, Rip, come here.
What brings you here tonight?

I... I thought
I might k*ll someone.

Maybe you should start with your designer.

ARCHERD: Nobody wants to miss out tonight.
The limos just keep coming.

The stars are really shining in Times Square.

Excuse me, sir.
Could I see your invitation?

Pete, it's okay. He's with me.
I'm his agent.

Jesus Christ, Tom, come here.

My goodness, it's Tom Noonan, of course,

the actor who played the Ripper.
Who plays the Rip...

What?

What are you, nuts? You want to play
axe K*llers the rest of your life?

Honey, honey, come here.

I'm gonna need the manager's
office for about five, 10 minutes.

- I'm sorry, sir...
- You're sorry? Here's 50 bucks.

How sorry are you now?

What do you think Jack
Slater says about America?

I really want to hear it.

I don't really want to hear it.

I'm not really a big fan of
Arnold's but she is, you know.

Arnold really turns her on and I just want
to be there when it happens, that's all.

AGENT: Good, Tom, you got the props, too.
That's terrific.

Why don't you just whip a hibachi
out from under your coat there?

And we could make some shish kebabs
for the critics. That'd be good.

You're lucky I have a friend who rents tuxedos.

Hello. Yeah. I know it's late.
Tell him it's me.

Did Nicholson show up to the premiere
of Batman dressed as the Joker?

I don't think so.

Hi, Murray, get me your
brother-in-law, will you?

Yes, it's important.

It fits nice. Moving the button
was a good idea. Just get...

Hey, Marv.
Yeah, I need a tux.

MAN 1:
What the hell was that?

MAN 2:
Hey! Watch it!

You're a big action guy.
What do you think about this?

I would never miss the premiere for a second.

Where am I sitting? Where?
Where am I sitting?

There's two balconies.

I believe you're in the upper...
Lower balcony.

- You stay here...
- Yeah, I know. I stay here.

And be careful.

Somebody should be checking
that other balcony. Definitely!

Arnold, look.
Deal's done, right?

What?

Slater V, the soundtrack.

I'll be a son of a...

DANNY: Jack!

Jack! It's the Ripper!
He's brought back the Ripper!

Jack, Benedict's brought back the Ripper!

Everybody down! Now!

(GUESTS SCREAMING)

Get off me!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Get the hell off me.

The studio should let me know
when they're planning a stunt.

You know, you are the best celebrity
look-alike I've ever seen.

Why not?

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Hey, if you get to Los Angeles, call my office.

We can get you shopping centre openings...

Look, I don't really
like you. All right?

You've brought me nothing but pain.

DAN NY: Jack, help!

Did anyone come out of here?

Did you see anyone come out here?

(FANS SCREAMING)

Did you see a crazy guy with
an axe coming out of here?

No, no. I didn't.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey, Jack.
What kept you?

Are you all right, Danny?

Yes... Yes, sir.

You know, I tried to change, Jack.

I really tried to do what he told me to do,

but you know, I kept hearing that old music.

That's how I knew you'd come here, Jack.

Now, lose the piece.

There.

It's now between you and me, so let the boy go.

Hey, we've played this number
before, haven't we, Jack?

Let's see, what comes next?

You throw the g*n away, right?
We did that part and...

And then you tell me to let the kid go and...

I'm getting bored. Why don't
we just skip to the end?

(DANNY SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

Come on, Jack!
Come on. Whoo!

Over here, right here, Jack.
Come on. Right here.

Come on, Jack! Let's go, man.
Come here, Jack. Come on, Jack.

Let's go, let's go.
Come on. Let's do it, Jack.

(RIPPER SCREAMING)

I'll be back!

The hell you will.

DANNY: Jack!

- Danny?
- Jack, please!

Danny!

Danny! I'll be right there.
I'm coming! Hang on!

Just hang on now.

DANNY:
Jack, help!

Hold on, Danny!
I'll be right there.

I'm coming.

Jack, hurry!

Hold on, Danny, and don't look down!

Oh, God, please, don't let him die.

Now, listen, kid.

You grab my hand, and we get out of here.

I can't, Jack.
We'll fall.

Come on, now.
Danny, trust me.

I can't do it, Jack.

Listen to me, Danny.
Listen to me.

You hold on with your feet, with your legs

and you let your hands go and I will catch you.
Okay? Believe in me.

I will catch you. Now, get my hand. Let's go.

Go for it, now.
Come on, Danny. Yes.

(DANNY GRUNTING)

(SLATER GRUNTING)

This hero stuff has its limits.

(SIGHING)

I need a hospital. I think my
shoulder is out of the socket.

BENEDICT:
Will the morgue suffice?

Get down, Danny.

Give it up, Benedict. The whole
lobby is swarming with cops.

I think I can manage to avoid them, but if not,

I've another little expl*sive surprise for them.

Gentlemen, since you're about to die anyway,

I may as well tell you the entire plot.

Think of villains, Jack. You want Dracula?
Dracula? Hang on.

I'll fetch him. Dracula.
I can get King Kong.

We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger.

Have a surprise party for Adolf h*tler.

Hannibal Lecter can do the catering.

And then we'll all have a
christening for Rosemary's baby.

All I have to do is snap my
fingers and they'll be here.

They're lining up to get here,
and do you know why, Jack?

Shall I tell you why?

Because here in this world,
the bad guys can win.

I shall miss you, Jack.

(CLICKS)

Gee, did you make a movie mistake!

You forgot to reload the damn g*n.

No, Jack. I just left
one chamber empty.

Son of a...

(CRYING)

My arm!
You broke my arm!

You see, Jack,

bad guys can win.

(DANNY GRUNTING)

Jack!

Now!

No sequel for you.

The ticket.

(SCREAMING)

Take him home.

Take him back to where this
is just a flesh wound.

Don't you understand? We got
to get him back to the movies.

I said turn around.

Great! Just great!
They always run away.

Hang on, Jack.

Danny, do you know how to drive?

Sure. I watched you,
didn't I?

(HORNS BLARING)

(COUGHING)

(SIREN WAILING)

Get out of the way!

Nick, fire up the projector.
Hurry!

- Slater's dying.
- What happened?

You got the ticket?

No, but it's got to work,
anyway. It's got to!

(COUGHING)

Just hold on, Jack. You'll make it.
This is gonna work.

It's got to be here, Jack.

Please, please. Nick, hurry!
The door won't open.

No sweat, kid.
You tried.

DANNY:
It's got to be here.

Just hold...

Where do you think you're going?
Back off. You can't have him.

I've had it up to here with you, Mister.
Who stays, who goes...

Well, I'm telling you this one stays.

I was only curious.

He's not on any of my lists.

Though you are, Daniel.

Now?

Oh, no.

You die a grandfather.

Hey, wait a minute.
Help us.

You got to get him back. You can do it.
I know you can.

I don't do fiction.
Not my field.

Sorry.

You are a very brave young man.

Unfortunately, you're not very bright.

If I were you...

I might be looking for the
other half of the ticket.

They're all gold.
They're all gold.

Yes!

I've got it, Jack. I'll
get you home, you'll see.

You can't die.

I know. Not until
the grosses go down.

No. This is going
to save us.

Throw that silly thing away.

Holy cow!

Let's hear it for Houdini!

Slater!

Damn it.
Anybody seen Slater?

You see Slater, you tell him
to get in my office right now.

(GROANING)

Help, somebody!

They got Jack! Doctor!
Hey, doc! Move!

Here, take this. You've got to get
back before it changes its mind.

No way. I'm not
going to leave you.

I'm just an imaginary hero,
Danny. You have a real life.

You're real to me.
Don't you get it?

You're the best thing in...
I need you to...

To be here where you can always find
me but I need you to be out there.

To believe in me.

WHISKERS:
Doctor, doctor!

I need you to take care of
your mother for me 'cause...

Oh, I would love to...

You have your whole life ahead of you.

And pimples and premature ejaculation.
I heard.

What?

It's just...

I'm scared I'm never going to see you again.

Whoever thinks that,
will be making a big mistake.

Get out of the way.
Out of the way.

You want a doctor?
I'm a doctor.

Get out of the way. I'm a doctor.
Get out of the way.

What happened?
What happened, pal?

What is it, doc?

(MOUTHING)

What is this, some kind of a joke?

I wouldn't even call this a flesh wound.

Come on, here, let's get him up.

Damn it, where the hell have you been?

Ha. It's working again.

And you know the cost of that door
is coming right out of your meagre

but undeserved paycheck

on account of I got the
Save-The-Eagle foundation

doing a f*cking tango up and
down my Hershey Highway!

Put a sock in it.

I don't care who does what
to your Hershey Highway,

and stop shouting. I'm not deaf.
You know why you're shouting?

Because it's in the script.
You're the comic relief.

Yes, and you know what else?
I'm the hero so shut up!

You see, Hollywood is writing our
lives and you know something?

I don't want to sh**t people any
more and blow up buildings.

You know why we do this here?

You got to be a magician, after all, Nick.

It really does work.

The ticket's yours, Danny,
and you know something?

I think the magic was yours, too.

Come on.

Ever tell you about the
time I was about your age

and my pop took me to see Buffalo Bill?

Yeah, well, we went backstage to see
Sitting Bull who was his medicine man.

(BIG g*n PLAYING)

♪ Riot on the radio

♪ Pictures on the TV

♪ Invader man take what he can

♪ sh**t on the silver screen

♪ Sticking 'em up
and knocking 'em down

♪ Living out a fantasy

♪ There's a bad man cruising around

♪ In a big black limousine

♪ Don't let it be wrong,
don't let it be right

♪ Get in his way,
you're dead in his sights

♪ Big g*n

♪ Big g*n number one

♪ Big g*n

♪ Big g*n kick the hell out of you

♪ Big g*n kick the hell out of you ♪

(TWO STEPS BEHIND PLAYING)

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Take the time
to think about it

♪ Just walk the line

♪ You know
you just can't fight it

♪ And take a look around
you'll see what you can't find

♪ Like the fire
that's burnin' up inside me

♪ Now, there's a magic
runnin' through your soul

♪ But you can't have it all

CHORUS:
♪ Whatever you do

♪ I'll be two steps behind you

♪ Wherever you go

♪ And I'll be there
to remind you

♪ That it only takes a
minute of your precious time

♪ To turn around

♪ I'll be two steps behind

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ And there's a magic
runnin' through your soul

♪ But you can't have it all

♪ Whatever you do

♪ I'll be
two steps behind you

♪ Wherever you go

♪ And I'll be there
to remind you

♪ That it only takes a
minute of your precious time

♪ To turn around

♪ I'll be two steps behind ♪

(DREAM ON PLAYING)

♪ Sing with me,
sing for the years

♪ Sing for the laughter,
sing for the tears

♪ Sing with me
♪ If it's just for today

♪ Maybe tomorrow the good
Lord will take you away

♪ Dream on, dream on

♪ Dream on

♪ Dream yourself
a dream come true

♪ Dream on, dream on

♪ Dream on

♪ Dream until
your dreams come true

♪ Dream on, dream on

♪ Dream on, dream on

♪ Dream on, dream on!

♪ Dream on! ♪

(LAST ACTION HERO PLAYING)

♪ You know you're for real

♪ Now, just like in the movies

♪ Just when
they get the best of you

♪ Ya always seem
to pull through

♪ You're the true!

CHORUS:
♪ Last Action Hero

♪ It's first time, second
round, third is a charm

♪ Last Action Hero

♪ A real-life animal
loose on the farm

♪ Last Action Hero

♪ Always first time, second
round, third is a charm

♪ Last Action Hero

♪ A real-life animal
loose on the farm

♪ Last Action Hero

♪ Always first time, second
round, third is a charm

♪ Last Action Hero

♪ You're a real-life animal
loose on the farm

♪ Last Action Hero ♪