CHAIRMAN DREK:
Esteemed citizens of Quartu,
I stand before you a proud Blarg,
for tonight, we will twist
the very fabric of reality.
We will defy nature with reckless abandon.
We have also broken 16 galactic
statutes and one star ordinance,
so I shouldn't see
anything about this online!
Beautifully worded, sir.
Hmm.
In just a few moments,
we will unleash a w*apon
so powerful that it will take...
Stanley, are you seriously still
texting after what I just said?
[BEEPS)
[CHUCKLES)
Victor? If you please.
- [GROWLING)
- Uh...
Mommy.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Dialing Mother.
- [DIALING)
WOMAN ON PHONE:
Hello, Horkelberg residence!
Hello? Who is this?
Herman, it's that man again.
I hear heavy breathing and...
Ew! And chewing!
That's it. I'm calling the police.
Does anyone else feel like texting? Hmm?
Show of hands?
- Anyone?
- Uh-uh.
Very well.
Commence deplanetization!
Ready the Deplanetizer!
Seriously?
[ALARMS BLARING)
[ALL EXCLAIMING)
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: 496, 497, 498, 499, 500.
Come on. Is that all you got?
I need you to give me 2,000,010%.
One and two and three and four.
Remember, if you feel
the burn, that's good.
If you smell the burn, that's bad.
- Three, two, one.
- [GRUNTING)
Okay, let's dig deep.
Don't quit on me now.
Can you feel it? Huh? Huh?
Can you feel the burn?
Are you kidding? I'm on fire.
I can take anything you can dish out,
so bring it on!
Okay, 2,000 more.
- [GROANS)
- One and two, three and four.
No pain, no gain.
[GROANS)
And we'll be right back
after these messages!
Okay, bots! Let's do this!
And lunge! And lunge!
ANNOUNCER:
Ranger Workout will be right back!
Burn!
DALLAS: Planet Tenemule is no more.
What?
Hello. Dallas Wannamaker here.
Tonight at 5:00, another uninhabited planet
is destroyed without warning or cause,
marking the fourth in recent memory
of our once-peaceful galaxy.
As a result, the President has requested
our ever-vigilant Galactic Rangers
increase their numbers
from four to five.
Really? Just five? All right.
And now a message from the man himself,
Captain Qwark.
Space, a wondrous realm
full of adventure, and peril,
and, uh, big-ness.
Captain Qwark!
The Solana Galaxy is our home,
and as many of you know,
it's in a state of crisis.
The Galactic Rangers are looking for a new
recruit to help with the investigation.
So if you're a small-time nobody
in search of adventure,
come on down to the spaceport
and see me, Captain Qwark!
- Cue montage!
- Cue montage!
Our next stop,
Planet Veldin's Kyzil Plateau!
Kyzil Plateau?
That's right!
The Kyzil Plateau!
Ranger tryouts.
This is huge.
[GRUNTS) Galactic Ranger! Grab some sky.
Galactic Ranger, punk. Put 'em...
Whoa!
Ranger down!
CAPTAIN QWARK: Mission accomplished.
MR. MICRON: Hello?
I'm here to pick up my ship?
- [CREAKING)
- I'll be there in one minute.
Ah!
Give or take.
[BELL DINGING)
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
- [MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hmm?
RATCHET: Are you ready to
have your mind blown?
Eh. No.
Whoo-ho-ho! Yeah!
I'll take that as a yes.
- Boom!
- [GASPS)
Protolux afterburners,
full Gadgetron w*apon package,
and a high-intensity
mag-booster so powerful,
it can pick up a paperclip
from two kilocubits away.
I think there's been a mistake.
I came in to get my ejector seat repaired.
Why repair something
when you can improve it?
- Come on, have a seat.
- [SCREAMS)
Now, let's fire up that mag-booster!
[STAMMERING)
[MAG-BOOSTER ACTIVATING)
- Oh!
- Pretty sweet, right?
I guess, but why do I need it?
Well, you could...
I mean, you know, if you ever...
You know, I don't know.
- [SCREAMS)
- Whoa!
No worries, I can buff that out.
- Maybe we should just...
- [WHIMPERING)
Power this sucker down.
- Oh, boy.
- [MR. MICRON SCREAMS)
Look out! Hello! Watch it!
Hey, I've been looking for that.
Greetings, Cadet!
- What was that sound?
- Nothing.
- Unrelated question, is your seatbelt on?
- Uh...
[BOTH SCREAMING)
[BELL DINGS)
[BOTH CONTINUE SCREAMING)
Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!
Those aren't the brakes!
MR. MICRON: I'm too old to die!
You've got to be kidding me.
How did you get a license?
Whoa!
Can you hit the k*ll switch, please?
The fish witch?
The k*ll switch!
- Eh...
- On the dash!
MR. MICRON: The drill hatch on the dish!
- [EXCLAIMS)
- [BEEPING)
Hang on, I can fix this.
[GRUNTS)
Your tail's in my face!
Hey, the view's no prettier
down here, pal!
[MR. MICRON EXCLAIMING)
There's a wall!
Oh, boy.
Yes!
- [SCREAMING)
- Whoa!
[WHIMPERING)
Phew!
That was a close one, huh?
I want a refund!
Yeah, that is going to
show up on my midyear review.
CHAIRMAN DREK:
You seem especially brooding today, Victor.
Come! I have just the thing
to brighten your day!
Our next target!
Look at these waterfalls, the fjords,
the rolling hills of Corvoxian snodgrass!
This is exactly what I need.
[HUMMING)
But, sir, that entire region is heavily
patrolled by the Galactic Rangers!
We will have this planet!
And we will take it
by going on the offensive.
Our forces will strike
at the Galactic Rangers first
and remove them
from the equation altogether.
Wait. Real battle?
Metal hand against hand.
I trust this pleases you?
Of course it pleases me,
but we don't have any forces!
You let me worry about that.
In two days' time,
the Galactic Rangers will be destroyed
and I'll be able to
complete my masterpiece!
How many times, Ratchet? How many?
Come on, he's fine!
He landed in a pile of ivy.
Poison ivy.
Look, you're a great mechanic, you got
a lot of heart, but you're careless.
"Careless," it's such an ugly word.
I prefer "carefree."
Too soon? Yeah, it was too soon.
I know things haven't been easy for you,
but you can't keep acting out
like this when I have a shop to run.
What's with you lately?
I just feel like I'm supposed to do more.
I've always dreamt
of being a Galactic Ranger,
doing big things, like Captain Qwark!
You want an old mechanic's advice?
Dream smaller.
It leads to less disappointment.
Please, Grim.
I just need one hour off so I can go
to the spaceport for tryouts.
You promised you'd help me give proton
scrubs to every ship on the plateau!
It's almost summer.
These people depend on us!
First off, it's always summer.
We live in a desert.
And second, that promise
is still in effect!
It's a 100% valid promise,
and you can redeem it in one hour.
[GROANS)
Yes! You! You are a great friend, Grim.
Don't let anyone tell you different.
I'll be back before you know it!
You're the best boss in the galaxy!
An inspiration to us all!
Don't ever change!
[SCREAMS) I'm okay!
[GROANS)
- [CROWD CHEERING)
- ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
get on your feet, put your hands together,
and give a big Planet Veldin welcome
to your Galactic Rangers!
First up, she'll sh**t first and ask
questions when she's good and ready.
Cora Veralux!
You loved him in Grapplemania,
you'll love him more as a Galactic Ranger.
Get ready to feel the pain
of Brax "The Brute" Lectrus!
Yeah, baby!
And finally,
ladies and gentlemen,
the savior of Solana,
Captain Qwark!
Hello, Veldin!
Hello, Captain!
He's on fire again.
I know.
My name is Copernicus Qwark, and yes,
that was an impressive wall
of fire I just walked past.
I'm going to be real
with you folks for a moment.
When President Phyronix
recommended I take on a new ranger,
I knew just where to go.
That's right, we want you!
- [WHISTLE BLOWING)
- [CROWD CHEERING)
Yeah!
The galaxy is a perilous place.
Invasion, space pirates, supernovas!
[CROWD GASPING)
I know what you're thinking,
"Do I have what it takes?"
After all, you may not have
prevented Dr. Nefarious
from atomizing Aleero City.
You may not have stopped Neftin Prog
from rendering the entire population
of Aridia color-blind!
Twice!
After all, you may not have this
chiseled jaw or godlike pectoral region,
but if you have heart,
then you have what it takes.
You don't have what it takes.
But I have heart.
Yes, but unfortunately
that heart is encased
in a weak, muscleless
mass of inexperience.
Plus, there's your history to consider.
You got a long line of citations here.
Possession of an illegal
gravity repulsor...
Oh, that was a misunderstanding.
I thought that space pirate
was on the level!
Operation of a black-market accelerator.
"Operation" is a strong word.
It blew up as soon as I turned it on!
Willful disruption
of the space-time continuum?
That is a funny story.
You're reckless, you're a loose cannon,
and you're dangerous.
That's my shtick.
Wait! Just give me a chance!
Sorry, no time! Galaxy in jeopardy!
Get back out there, and remember,
you can do anything...
As long as you're me. Next!
I have no less than three lethal katas
I would like to demonstrate for you today.
Get me out of these tiny blue-neck towns.
[DR. NEFARIOUS CACKLING)
CHAIRMAN DREK: Dr. Nefarious!
The mad scientist who made
all of this possible!
"Mad" suggests cognitive impairment.
I'm more of a vengeful scientist.
I trust you're here to meet the troops.
[CHUCKLING GLEEFULLY)
Three hundred sentient warbots,
built using the finest raritanium
in the galaxy,
and programmed to assassinate
the Galactic Rangers.
Proton-powered, rust-proof,
and laser-guided.
Each of these perfect creations
is an efficient,
remorseless k*lling machine.
Remorseless k*lling machine...
Makes me want to have children of my own.
But will they get the job done?
I'd hate to have to send you
back where I found you.
INSPECTOBOT: State your prime objective.
Prime objective, destroy Galactic Rangers.
Inspection complete. w*apon issued.
My warbots know every offensive
tactic in the Ranger handbook.
They won't just k*ll the Rangers...
Target acquired.
They'll annihilate them!
- [THUNDER CRACKING)
- [LAUGHING)
[STOPS LAUGHING)
VICTOR: Nice. They k*lled the lights, too.
CHAIRMAN DREK: Burn.
DR. NEFARIOUS: [CLAPS HANDS) Repairbot!
[HUMMING)
- Ah!
- Now we're talking.
WARBOT: Target acquired.
Oh, my...
INSPECTOBOT: State your prime objective.
Destroy Galactic Rangers.
State your prime objective.
Destroy Galactic Rangers.
State your prime...
Hmm...
Hello.
Defect detected.
Preparing for immediate
destruction in three, two...
Hey! Wait!
CHAIRMAN DREK: Oh, a defect!
Go play, Victor.
No...
Ahh!
I'm coming for you, defect!
Oh! Ooh!
Hmm.
[BEEPING)
Defect!
[LIGHTNING CRACKING)
[GROWLS)
Computer, set coordinates
for the Galactic Ranger home base.
COMPUTER: Destination set.
We will never make it, but,
hey, what are you gonna do?
CLANK: Oh, dear.
[GRUNTING)
[LAUGHING)
Sayonara, amigo.
Ratchet...
So, you're off to save the galaxy.
Turns out you were right.
I should dream smaller.
[EXHALES)
RATCHET: I'll never be a Ranger.
[EXHALES)
[GASPS)
What?
Whoa!
[TIRES SCREECH)
[GASPS)
[GRUNTS)
COMPUTER: Danger detected.
Danger detected.
I told you we'd never make it,
but did you listen to me? No.
Hello?
- Anyone in there? Whoa!
- [EXPLODING)
[GASPS)
COMPUTER: Prepare for imminent death.
There's got to be
a better way to say that.
Sorry. [CLEARS THROAT)
[SINGSONG) Prepare for imminent death.
How's that?
Five, four, three, two, one...
[EXPLODING)
[EXHALES)
[CHITTERS)
No vector shell damage.
Sister board appears to be intact.
[POWERING UP)
Ah!
I must get to Aleero City!
They are in danger!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey, who's in danger?
An army is coming. I must warn them!
Hang on, slow down.
You've been in a crash.
What do you say we get you
back to my garage?
I'll run a diagnostic
and have you fixed up in no time.
Thank you. I appreciate the assistance.
It's no problem. So what do I call you?
I suppose my proper designation
is Warbot Defect B5429...
Maybe I'll just call you Clank.
My name's Ratchet.
Uh...
Up and down.
Yeah, there you go. You're a natural.
Okay, that's enough.
Or just keep shaking. That's cool, too.
Almost got it.
And... There!
How do you feel?
Fully operational.
Sweet.
So, what are you doing
all the way out here in the sticks?
I am on a mission of galactic importance.
"Galactic importance"?
Okay. Oh, boy.
You must have ruptured your CPU.
How many fingers am I holding up?
Uh... Two. But I fail to see
the relevance of the question.
Chairman Drek has
built an army of warbots.
They're going to assassinate
the Galactic Rangers tomorrow.
Oh! That kind of galactic importance!
Well, why didn't you say so?
I can totally help!
Oh, I could not ask a civilian to get
involved in something so dangerous.
Well... No, I'm not just a civilian.
The Rangers are actually my friends!
Why do you think I have
so many pictures of them?
But why are you not in any of them?
Well, someone had to
take the picture, right?
I mean, come on. I even have a ship.
It disassembles so it can
infiltrate enemy strongholds.
So, what do you say?
CAPTAIN QWARK:
I understand what the President wants,
but what are the odds of actually finding
a qualified Ranger way out in the boonies?
After all, there's nothing
the three of us can't handle...
Oh!
I am your biggest fan.
[EXCLAIMS) It's touching me.
Get it off. Get it off!
- [SIREN BLARING)
- [YELLS)
TROOPER: Move it! Move it!
We've got hostiles! We've got hostiles!
Go! Go! Go!
Enemy warship! Take cover, citizen!
I love you!
[GASPS)
Target acquired.
Hmm...
Hmm.
Hmm?
- What?
- Apologies.
I have not been able to locate
your species in my database.
I get that a lot.
There aren't many of us left.
Not in this galaxy, anyway.
I'm a Lombax.
A Lombax?
Fascinating.
Yeah. I crashed on Veldin
when I was just a baby.
No note, no message, no name...
[CHUCKLES) Kinda like you.
COMPUTER: Approaching destination.
Whoa!
Aleero City!
Yes, it certainly is.
[g*ns f*ring)
No way!
It is the invasion. We are too late.
Target acquired.
[GRUNTS)
You knocked on the wrong door, hombre.
How was that? Did that sound cool?
[SCREAMS)
Oh, boy.
[YELLING)
Target...
- Target acquired.
- [GRUNTS)
[GRUNTING)
- Target...
- [BEEPING)
Target...
- Brax to the max!
- Max!
Awesome!
Fire!
[GRUNTING)
Bring me the captain's head,
or I'll take yours as a replacement.
[SCREAMING)
Wilhelm!
I got these guys.
[YELLING)
Welcome to the Hall of Heroes...
[CRIES OUT)
Oops. I must've forgotten
to install the targeting software.
Here, take the controls for a sec.
Oh. I... Um...
Ow! Hey! What's going on up there?
Well, unfortunately
my piloting skills are,
shall we say, slightly underdeveloped.
Yeah, I think we can
definitely agree on that.
[BOTH SCREAMING)
- Whoa!
- You maniac!
Ratchet, we are clearly
not prepared for this.
We should have contacted the Rangers
to warn them of the att*ck.
[LAUGHS)
Yeah, like they'd know who we are.
But you said they were your friends.
What?
I think you're quoting me out of context.
RATCHET:
The Rangers are actually my friends!
Do you record everything I say?
Do you record everything I say?
[BOTH SCREAMING)
We're going down!
Your sense of direction is impeccable.
I can fix this!
That was awesome!
Finish them!
[BOTH GRUNTING)
Ratchet, I believe I may have an idea.
Your w*apon package
includes a mag-booster.
I am rewriting the software to isolate the
raritanium alloy used to manufacture us.
Great idea, Clank!
Bring it on!
There's too many of them!
Hold steady, Rangers!
Prepare to die, Galactic losers!
Come on, come on!
Executing command, and engage mag-booster.
Is it working?
Oh!
I do believe it is.
Target acquired.
Huh?
No way.
- Yeah!
- Oh, yes.
[CHEERING)
You're getting this, right?
Two civilians are saving the city!
There are 300 heavily
armed warbots gaining on us!
I know! Isn't it great?
Get ready to return to sender!
Terminating mag-booster on my mark!
Three, two, one...
Mark!
No, no...
No!
[CROWD CHATTERING)
BOY: What happened?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You got to be kidding me!
[GRUNTS)
[GASPS)
Get out.
Taxi!
[CHEERING)
Ah! [LAUGHING)
Hmm?
[WHISTLING)
All right, everyone, let's give
these heroes some breathing room.
I'm happy to field all questions
on their behalf.
Captain Qwark!
Juanita Alvaro, HoloVid Nightly.
The Blarg have been underground
for over 50 years.
Could their return be linked
to the destroyed planets?
I think that's being a little alarmist,
don't you, Juanita?
Begging your pardon, Captain,
but Drek is responsible.
And his att*ck today proves
that he is only getting started.
[CROWD GASPING)
Now, now! We must all stay calm.
Everything is under control.
Captain Qwark! Dallas Wannamaker here.
Does that mean you'll be asking
these two heroes to join the Rangers?
- [CROWD GASPING)
- Say what now?
Well, I...
I... Well, I...
[GASPS)
[CHUCKLES)
I don't see why not.
[CROWD CHEERING)
[LAUGHING)
DALLAS: You heard it here, folks!
The search for a new
Galactic Ranger is over!
Aleero City will never forget
the day it was saved by a...
A cat thingy.
[CHAIRMAN DREK SCOFFS)
How did this happen?
Someone explain it to me! You!
You're supposed to
understand how they think!
How did you not see this coming?
And Victor!
[GRUNTS)
Do you know how many candidates
you b*at out for your position?
I could have hired the Zeezils Brothers!
It's enough to make me
want to vaporize someone!
- [HUMMING)
- [EXHALES)
We're putting our project on hold.
I'm ordering all remaining warbots to the
Deplanetizer until the heat dies down.
[GRUNTS)
Before we make any rash decisions,
I wonder if you'd permit me
to troubleshoot this for you.
[SIGHS) Go on.
Our question is simple.
How do you destroy a team of heroes?
Whoa! Whoa! Well, lots of ways, really.
Chains, knives, g*ns, an enormous rock?
Rock...
The answer is "from within!"
If we continue to fight them with muscle,
we'll lose every time.
But if we turn one of
their own against them...
Of course, we'd need a weak link.
A sad simpleton who'd believe
whatever we tell him.
A corruptible moron.
But who?
Who?
Who?
Hmm.
Ah!
I'm getting an idea, boys! [LAUGHING)
You're a genius, sir.
I know. I know!
BRAX: Our training program
usually lasts a full year,
but we've been cleared to att*ck
Drek Industries in three days.
That means you two are getting
the accelerated course.
We're going to be trained by Brax Lectrus?
The guy's a legend!
I do not suppose you offer
introductory courses in aviation?
- No offense, little guy...
- "To the max!"
...but I don't think
flying's really your thing.
Captain Qwark suggested we put you
in a position a little less...
Dangerous?
Whoa!
Ha! That's right, LivesAtHome472.
What's the matter?
Don't like getting your butt kicked?
What are you going to do,
cry to your mommy? [LAUGHS)
Wait, are you really crying?
BRAX: Hey, Elaris.
Hi, Brax! Is that my new assistant?
Greetings. Your office is most, uh...
- Impressive.
- [SCOFFS)
Elaris here is in charge of developing
our gear and providing tactical support.
Usually it's the former.
The Rangers are
the sh**t-first-think-later type. [LAUGHS)
I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to sound like that.
Like what now?
Come on. I'll show you around.
Let's go, Cadet.
Time to make you a Ranger.
ELARIS: So, this is the...
Got to keep an eye on them.
Oh. And over here, over here...
I'll see you in a bit!
ELARIS: We're going to have so much fun!
Well, good luck.
[GRUNTS)
CAPTAIN QWARK: Welcome, Cadet!
[GRUNTS)
[GASPS)
Let's get you into your new protosuit.
Your protosuit is the most advanced
combat armor on the market.
And it comes in
all the latest fall colors!
Sweet.
A neural sensor in your helmet
reads your thoughts
and telequips the desired
w*apon into your hands.
Try equipping your Combuster.
[GRUNTING SOFTLY)
CAPTAIN QWARK: There you go.
COMPUTER: Combuster equipped.
Wicked.
CAPTAIN QWARK: The Combuster is
the backbone of the Rangers' arsenal,
allowing you to hit targets
in a short to medium range.
- [CHUCKLES) Whoa!
- [g*n f*ring)
This is embarrassing.
CAPTAIN QWARK: The Alpha Disruptor
fires a deadly stream of plasma,
allowing you to hit
multiple targets at once.
- Whoa!
- See? He's got it.
Sort of.
This little baby's the Negotiator.
Fires multiple long-range,
high-impact rockets.
Great versus heavy armor.
[GRUNTING)
CAPTAIN QWARK: Buzz Blades!
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no!
Whoa!
CAPTAIN QWARK: The Warmonger.
[CHUCKLES)
Ah!
CAPTAIN QWARK:
I dunno. The Spiral of Death?
Whoa! [EXHALES)
CAPTAIN QWARK: Fusion Grenade?
[GRUNTS AND YELLS)
[EXPLODING)
- Wow.
- Dude.
How am I doing?
[KEYBOARD CLACKING)
So this is really your office?
Eh. Budget cutbacks.
I don't mind it as much as
the last guy who had this job.
Dr. Nefarious.
Drove him crazy.
Literally. He turned evil.
Oh. But don't worry.
It won't happen to me. [CHUCKLES)
[CLEARS THROAT)
Hmm.
That's strange.
What is it?
I'm running a simulation
based on the fragments we located
from each destroyed planet.
Each one is missing a famous landmass.
Well, perhaps the pieces
are still out there.
There is a lot of space in space.
I guess.
But it's worth bringing up to the captain,
don't you think?
- CAPTAIN QWARK: Out of the way!
- RATCHET: Hey!
CAPTAIN QWARK: Watch out! Heads up!
Coming through!
Whoa!
Just relax! Everyone, stay calm!
Something epic is happening!
Pretty cool, huh, Clank?
CAPTAIN QWARK: That's the stuff.
Flying in the air like a majestic bird,
a majestic bird who knows
every fighting style.
Watch the master.
Captain, Elaris and I...
- Can't talk.
- ...have some information.
- Doing a flyby.
- [LAUGHING)
[LAUGHS)
Sir! If you could come down and speak
to us for three minutes...
[FIRE ALARM BEEPING)
And there are the sprinklers.
But, hey, good news!
You already have a mop, huh?
So, there's that.
Please! If we could have just a minute
to discuss our findings.
The only thing I'm interested in finding
is the Hall of Heroes cafeteria.
Let's go, Cadet. It's three floors up
and it's meatloaf day!
Meatloaf!
- [CRASHING)
- [YELLING)
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Do they always treat you so poorly?
Oh! No!
Yes.
ANNOUNCER: The new Galactic
Ranger Ratchet action figure!
BOY: There he is!
Guys, it's Ratchet!
Hey-hey!
Ratchet, we love you!
Boy, for a big city,
the people here sure are friendly.
And rather loud. Oh!
MAN: Sorry! Thought you were a trash can!
Indeed.
Wow. Look at that.
What do you know, Clank? I'm famous.
Yes. Though I am sure it is exciting,
my cultural database shows
that fame is highly overrated
and ultimately not rewarding.
Would you agree?
Oh, totally. Way overrated.
Hey, do you think
they'll name a street after me?
Or a cologne?
[GRUNTS) "Ratchet. Smell like a hero."
- [CHUCKLING)
- MAN: There he is!
[CROWD CLAMORING)
Can I smell you?
Easy, now. There's no rush.
Believe me, I could do this all day.
Uh?
Sorry, folks, but, unfortunately,
we don't have time for this nonsense.
I'm about to reveal my awesome plan
for the att*ck on Drek Industries,
unless, of course,
anyone would like my autograph.
[COUGHS)
Good, because we don't have time.
- BOY: You the man, Ratchet!
- [CHUCKLES)
I love you all!
He's taller in person!
Hmm.
All right, Rangers,
our plan of att*ck is simple.
HALO drop into Skorg City,
fire a whole mess o' b*ll*ts,
and take Drek into custody so we
can be home in time for waffles.
- Mmm-hmm.
- BRAX: Yeah! Yeah, waffles!
Oh, that's good. [LAUGHING)
Wait, that's our plan?
[INHALES DEEPLY)
Yes, it is.
Pardon me, Captain,
but Chairman Drek is cunning.
He will be prepared for our as*ault.
Look, I think it is beyond adorable
that you decided to do all this homework.
But big heroes do big things.
Each second we waste talking is a second
Drek could use to destroy another planet.
But wouldn't it be worth taking
five minutes to review our plan?
We have holoschematics...
[GROANS) Does anyone else feel like
we should have sh*t something by now?
Because it really feels like we
should have sh*t something by now.
Thank you!
Let's take a vote.
All those in favor of
kicking in Drek's front door
with a massive arsenal and restoring
peace to a galaxy in turmoil, say "Aye."
ALL: Aye!
All those in favor of nerding it up here
with some pie charts, say "Nay."
- BOTH: Nay.
- Motion passes.
We as*ault Drek Industries tonight!
Lock and load, Rangers!
Suit up and rally in the aft airlock.
Although I am happy to help
with the mission in any capacity,
I find this arrangement
slightly embarrassing.
I'm sorry, but you're the only one
who's been inside Drek's warbot factory.
Besides, this is the best way
for you to keep up.
- Whoa!
- [CHUCKLES)
CORA: Nice backpack.
Remember, your thrusters
are powered by Ratchet's suit,
so don't try any solo flights. Okay?
I shall endeavor to...
He's in good hands, Elaris.
You sure you want to take
the, uh, extra baggage?
No offense, but we're dropping
straight into a cauldron.
And do you know
what's inside that cauldron?
- Is it danger?
- It's...
Yes, it's danger.
BRAX: Let's roll!
All right, team. Let's bring it in.
Remember, our target is Chairman Drek!
Ready, Rangers?
On the count of three.
Three!
[LAUGHING)
CORA: Keep up, rookie!
All right, pal, you ready?
Well, I...
[SCREAMING)
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
[CLANK SCREAMING)
Whoo!
Ah!
[GRUNTING)
I'm in. Any sign of Drek?
BRAX: Negative.
Place looks deserted.
CLANK: My internal coordinates system
indicates a right turn up ahead.
Eh. My gut says this way, Clank.
Glad you're getting in touch with your
feelings, newbie, but we're turning right.
Because?
Because I'm your senior Ranger
and I say so. That's why.
Okay! Okay.
Yeesh! Cranky.
- What's that?
- Huh? Oh.
I said, "thank ye" for
those words of wisdom.
CLANK: Good save.
This feels too easy.
Why was there no alarm?
It is strange.
Everyone, stay sharp.
Initiate Phase One.
Let's scatter the cockroaches.
[LAUGHING)
[LAUGHING)
[LAUGHING LOUDER)
Just push the button, Zed!
[STAMMERS)
BRAX: Yoo-hoo!
Zurkon, zurkon.
Zurkon, zurkon.
- Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon...
- [GASPS)
Anyone hear that?
Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon.
Engaging motion scan.
[BEEPING)
I'm getting something.
Yeah.
Me, too.
[BEEPING INTENSIFIES)
Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon.
Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon...
Huh?
Yoo-hoo!
Zurkons!
Mr. Zurkon is looking to k*ll you!
Yoo-hoo!
Boom, baby!
[GRUNTING)
Yoo-hoo!
Yoo-hoo!
Yeah!
[LAUGHING)
Three-time galactic champ up in here!
Ranger identified. Terminate!
What's a Zurkon?
Robotic bodyguards.
They protect whoever deploys them.
MR. ZURKON: Mr. Zurkon has you now.
- Zurkon hates Galactic Rangers!
- RATCHET: Heads up!
[GASPS)
Whoa!
Yoo-hoo! [GROANS)
Nice sh*t. Do that again,
and I'll sh**t you myself.
What is this place?
Huh.
If I may...
[BEEPING)
Hmm.
- MR. ZURKON: Yoo-hoo!
- [GASPS)
- Stupid Ranger. Time to die!
- [YELLING)
Mr. Zurkon delivers a symphony of pain!
[g*n POWERING UP)
Don't move.
[VICTOR GRUNTS)
I'm listening.
CHAIRMAN DREK: Captain Qwark.
I've been watching you
these past few days,
and I think it's simply dreadful what...
- Zed!
- [GASPS) Sorry.
Simply dreadful what
Ratchet has done to you.
He's made people
forget who the real hero is.
All you wanted to do was protect
the galaxy, and how do they repay you?
By dropping you for some...
Well, I don't even know what he is!
Even if that were true, I could
never betray the citizens of Solana.
My friend, betraying them is how
you get them to love you.
Allow me to introduce you to my personal
team of Blargian PR professionals.
Lads, tell him how we work our magic!
As far as I can see,
you're the victim here.
That Lombax pushed you to do this.
He did?
You were desperate,
emotionally scarred, depressed, even!
You didn't know what you were doing.
The betrayal was a cry for help.
- It was?
- It will be!
A tell-all book,
a few guest appearances...
A holo-film.
No! A trilogy!
In six months' time, you won't
just be Captain Qwark the hero...
You'll be Captain Qwark the survivor. Huh?
No one needs to get hurt, Captain.
We can evacuate the planet
and give these people a new place to live,
a better place to live.
Do we have a deal?
Huh?
[BOTH CHUCKLING)
CLANK: Hmm.
Fascinating.
These are plans for something
called a "Deplanetizer."
Deplanetizer?
Why would Drek be destroying planets?
Not destroy.
It seems that Drek is trying
to build the perfect planet.
VICTOR: Come on, let's move out!
ZED: Hey! Wait for me!
- [SIGHS)
- Wait! Wait!
Sorry, Zed!
I'll write you an excellent
letter of recommendation!
- You don't even have my email!
- [HUMMING)
It's Spacegangsta_72@Zed.com!
- [g*ns COCKING)
- Oh!
[ZED CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Hi.
[CLEARS THROAT) Um...
Before you start in
with the, um, questioning,
it's important you understand
that I am faithful to my employer.
And that's how I found out
I was lactose intolerant,
though I think the parakeet
would've d*ed anyway,
because he was always flying
into the window, which is...
She wouldn't drop him, would she?
Maybe.
When I said, "Tell us everything."
I meant Drek's target list.
Now, out with it!
Probably.
I would be more than happy to
supply you with the target list,
but, unfortunately, I signed a legally
binding non-disclosure agreement.
I want the rest of his targets.
- Now!
- Please.
This was supposed to be a temp job
until I got my singing career on track.
[SCREAMS) Okay, okay! [SOBBING)
Novalis.
He wants Novalis.
Novalis?
Novalis is populated.
Yes, 43,618,924 people, to be exact.
The Schnorkelsons had twins this morning.
We've got to move.
[ZED BEATBOXING)
[WHISTLING)
Hey! Captain Qwark! Buddy!
- Remember me?
- [GASPS)
From Drek's office?
Where you signed that contract and...
[EXCLAIMS)
Shh!
Not the face!
Dear Diary... I mean, journal. Yes.
[CLEARS THROAT)
Dear Journal, I've been
having the mood swings again.
One minute, I'm laughing hysterically.
The next minute, I'm laughing maniacally.
I guess it's because everything
is going exactly according to plan.
Soon, I'll be long gone,
and the entire solar system
will be nothing
but a giant cloud of dust and gas.
- Excuse me, Doctor.
- [SCREAMS)
Chairman Drek would like to see you.
How long have you been standing there?
I came in during the part
about dust and gas?
[LAUGHS)
It's my dietary journal.
I keep a very strict record of everything
I eat and which foods give me...
Dust and gas?
Exactly.
Cool.
General Qwark moves into position.
Ooh.
- [GASPS)
- [POWERING UP)
Cleverly, he deactivates the weapons
system, and the crowd goes wild.
Yeah! Yeah! Qwark is the best! Yeah!
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: Novalis Control,
evac shuttle convoy 262 departing orbit.
Evacuation 82% complete.
CORA: Fighters ready to rock.
So what's the plan, Captain?
CAPTAIN QWARK: Uh? Oh... The plan?
Yes. Here's what
we're going to do, Rangers.
I'll go in first and try to reason
with this Drek character,
see if we can talk this out, mano-a-mano.
Talk? I don't follow, sir.
Sir, he's blown up five planets already!
I think we're done talking.
Captain, if we can just take 30 seconds,
I think I have an idea.
[GROANS) Sure. Go ahead.
Well, I was looking at the schematics
of the Deplanetizer...
- Yeah.
- ...and it occurred to me...
- And mute.
- [AUDIO MUTES)
CAPTAIN QWARK: I'm going in.
ELARIS: Captain, wait! Back-up is
on the way! We should... [GROANS)
Hostile ship on approach, sir.
Should we fire proton cannons?
[GROANS) Not yet.
I've got a shiny new puppet down there,
and I'm about to put on a show.
"Starting secret mission.
"Hero work ain't easy.
"#Humblebrag, #Killinglt,
"#NoFilter, #NotAMole."
- Ah!
- I'm not a sellout!
Captain Qwark!
You performed marvelously.
Be honest, are you a professional actor?
Well, I did dabble in my share
of theater back in grade school.
Every year, I'd play the dad...
Yes, an enthralling saga I'd love to hear!
But first, you've disabled
the weapons system
on the Rangers' fleet, right?
Oh, just as a safety precaution, mind you.
[LAUGHS)
We wouldn't want a tense situation
to escalate out of control.
[EXHALES) Of course,
we wouldn't want that.
And I have your word that my team
isn't going to get hurt, right?
Oh, my dear captain!
Where's the trust?
Destroy them all.
[LAUGHING)
CORA: Contact! Contact!
All units, engage.
COMPUTER: Error. Error.
Weapons system compromised.
Cannons! Missiles!
w*apon systems are negative
across the board!
Same here! I got nothing!
We've been sabotaged. Rangers, fall back!
Break off! Break off!
[LAUGHING)
The Rangers are retreating, sir.
Brilliant.
Hmm.
Get me a holo-scan of that ship.
Right away, sir.
Well, lookee-lookee.
What have we here?
The defect.
Ah, yes, the one that got away.
Not this time.
Are you sure, Victor?
He looks awfully dangerous.
Teleport me to the ship.
It's impossible, sir. It's shielded.
Just get me close!
[GROWLS)
[ALARM BLARING)
No, I can't leave him.
BRAX: Ratchet, what are you doing?
I'm going in!
Ratchet, don't do this.
If you give us a minute,
we can work out an as*ault plan!
RATCHET: There's no time!
Captain Qwark is in there fighting
an entire army on his own!
- [CAPTAIN QWARK TRILLING)
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Permission to land?
Permission granted.
Mmm.
[SLURPING)
[EXHALES)
Who's on foot duty?
- Tootsie rub, come on.
- [CRINGING)
Ah!
Their defensive fire is too strong.
Pull back! Your fighter won't make it.
I don't have to land!
I just have to get close.
COMPUTER: Hull integrity at 2%.
Prepare to teleject.
Ratchet, please, listen to Elaris.
The odds of surviving a head-on as*ault
is roughly 600,993 to one!
Big heroes do big things.
- COMPUTER: Three, two, one...
- [GRUNTS)
[SCREAMING)
- He made it!
- [CRASHING)
- What was that?
- [BEEPING)
I do not know. I will investigate.
Probably just the ship settling.
[RATTLING)
Nothing to be alarmed about.
Whoa!
Ah!
Defect!
Oh, my.
I am coming for you, Defect!
Uh, I believe we may have a problem.
- [EXCLAIMS)
- Coming through!
COMPUTER: Star cr*cker Chamber,
then slight right ahead.
ELARIS: Ratchet? Where are you?
Can't talk! I'm almost
at the control center.
Captain Qwark did something to the ship!
Nothing's working!
And I think Clank's in trouble!
Roger that! As soon as I stop
the Deplanetizer from f*ring,
I'll be right back to help.
[ALARMS BLARING)
COMPUTER: Deplanetizer now online.
[GROANS)
[LAUGHING)
[SCREAMS)
Bravo, my boy!
Bravo! [LAUGHS)
I deal with my share of
morons on a daily basis,
but this? [BLOWS)
This is seriously next level!
[LAUGHING)
Take him.
Where are you?
Come out and fight!
You want a fight? I'll give you a fight.
- No free rides!
- [GRUNTS)
[GASPS)
[EXHALES)
[GRUNTING)
Hmm.
[GASPS)
Die!
Get back here!
I'm going to make you wish
you were never created!
[GROWLING)
COMPUTER: Thundersmack equipped.
- [THUNDER RUMBLING)
- You're nothing but a pathetic defect!
Perhaps. But I am waterproof.
[GASPS)
[GRUNTING)
[YELLS)
[METALLIC CREAKING)
Defect!
ZED: Hey! Over here!
Can I switch sides now?
I never had a proper planet.
I spent my formative years underground,
where everything was dark and wet and hot.
And I was like, "Warrior?
No, I said I was a worrier!"
[LAUGHS) I worry about everything!
I... Oh, hey.
Qwark?
This is awkward.
[WHISTLING)
[CHAIRMAN DREK LAUGHING)
The next time you and those moronic
Rangers decide to play hero...
[EVIL LAUGHTER)
...plan better.
Toss him into one of the shuttles.
I want him to live to see his failure.
Drek, don't do this!
Novalis is home to millions!
Yes, yes, and they had
their time in the sun.
Now it's our turn.
Commence deplanetization!
Ready the Deplanetizer!
[DEPLANETIZER POWERING UP)
No!
[EXHALES)
[GASPS)
[EXHALES)
HR BLARG: Well, here's your I.D.
Welcome aboard.
- Captain?
- Huh?
Oh. Yeah. Thanks.
[DR. NEFARIOUS HUMMING)
[GASPS)
Release the harvesters!
[LAUGHS)
[BEEPING)
[INTRO MUSIC PLAYING)
DALLAS: In the wake
of Novalis' destruction
and Captain Qwark's shocking betrayal,
Galactic President Phyronix has issued
a galaxy-wide alert
to all Solana citizens.
Residents are to remain in their homes
while authorities manage the crisis.
And though the planet
was successfully evacuated,
the question remains,
did we put our trust in the wrong Lombax?
[EXHALES)
- Uh... [SCREAMS)
- [CRASHING)
[GRUNTING)
- [CLATTERING)
- [CLEARS THROAT)
Can I come in?
That protosuit of yours keeps beeping.
All day, all night,
voices asking you to come back.
Those Ranger hotshots are persistent.
Yeah. Thanks, Grim.
I'll turn it off in the morning.
Hey. I remember this.
You wandered into the garage
and took my rocket sled for a test drive.
No fear, no safety check, you just flipped
the switch, and off you went. [LAUGHS)
Took three police bots to chase you
down and teach you how to stop!
[LAUGHING)
[SIGHS)
I guess I just wanted to do something big.
I wanted to matter, you know?
[SIGHS)
I ain't never been very good with advice.
But I do know this.
To be a hero,
you don't have to do big things,
just the right ones.
That's actually not bad.
Thank you.
I have my moments.
[CREAKING)
- [SCREAMS)
- [CRASHING)
I'm okay.
My dear, sweet Victor.
You were a wonderful friend and companion.
Honest. Loyal. Rusty.
I mean, really rusty. I could hear you
all the way across the station.
But still, we honor you with
this silent moment of reflection,
as thanks for your sacrifice.
[INHALES DEEPLY)
[EXHALES)
You will be missed.
Let's get this show on the road!
Bring in New Quartu!
- Bring in New Quartu!
- [FEEDBACK WHINES)
Uh, how are things at home, Jeff?
Great!
[CHAIRMAN DREK SOBBING)
It's beautiful.
I did it, Father. I did it!
- It's beautiful.
- Uh... [GROANS)
[EXHALES)
CLANK: I thought I might find you here.
Clank?
I'm not going back, Clank.
This is where I belong. You were right.
Fame is overrated, especially when you're
famous for causing a complete disaster.
It was not a complete disaster.
Authorities are calling it
a "complete and utter disaster"...
- [VOLUME LOWERING)
- Sorry!
The evacuation of Novalis was successful.
No one was k*lled or injured.
But those people lost their homes,
and for that, I have to
take full responsibility.
Blaming yourself and taking responsibility
are two very different things.
If you truly want to be accountable,
you will endeavor to make things
right the next time.
Next time?
Drek has one more target on his list.
With Captain Qwark
now working for the enemy,
the Rangers need you more than ever.
And I would like to offer
my assistance in any way possible,
partner.
- [RUMBLING)
- [GASPS)
Earthquake!
What's that?
Oh, I brought some friends.
Okay, pity party's over.
Time to get back to work.
Listen, guys,
I'm sorry I ran out on you like that.
Even though I messed up, I should've
stayed to fix it and see it through.
Eh. We've all made bad choices.
Here, check it out.
My cadet photo.
[BOTH LAUGHING)
Really? That's how we're playing?
Okay, uh, there's no need
to embarrass anyone here.
[GASPS)
BRAX: Okay, everyone, chill out!
We have a job to do, and I need to start
sh**ting at something immediately.
Well, before we just go off and start
sh**ting at things, I was thinking that...
Yeah, get some.
That's what I'm talking about.
[SIGHS) Forget it.
No, wait. Go on.
I think we need to hear
what you both have to say.
Well, while we can't move
a planet out of the way...
I was thinking, what if we could move
the w*apon targeting that planet?
Move the Deplanetizer?
Knock it off course.
Okay. Awesome.
And just how are we going to do that?
Not sure yet. But I'm working on it.
Hmm.
I might have an idea.
CHAIRMAN DREK: So after
you pick up my dry cleaning,
you need to polish the Segway,
and after that...
- Drek, I want to talk to you.
- [GASPS)
You tried to k*ll my Rangers!
You said you'd leave them alone!
And I meant it at the time!
I detest bloodshed as much as any Blarg,
but sometimes, sacrifices are
necessary for the greater good.
I know you're working
with Nefarious on this.
[LAUGHING) Yes, isn't it wonderful?
We're all part of the same dream team.
[GASPS) We should make T-shirts!
You're making a big mistake.
You have no idea the kinds
of evil he's capable of.
Oh, but I do.
It's all right here on his résumé.
Special skills...
Horrendous evil. Unspeakable evil.
Diabolical evil.
He's very well-rounded.
[GASPS) And apparently,
he can juggle. Hmm.
DR. NEFARIOUS: Oh-oh!
Do I feel my ears burning?
[LAUGHS) And there's our
little juggling psychopath now!
You d*ed in a prison escape.
There were witnesses.
Oh.
People will say and do just about anything
for the right price.
What was yours, Qwark?
What was your price
for selling out your friends?
Your face on another cereal box, perhaps?
[EXHALES) Why don't you run along
so the Chairman and I can get back
to the business at hand?
But what am I supposed to do?
You can guard the Star cr*cker
water cooler.
Oh! But with fury! Mmm-hmm.
[LAUGHS)
That was fun!
And T-shirts would be a good idea.
Good for morale.
What do you think, Neffie? Should we...
[EXCLAIMS)
- [BLEATING)
- [LAUGHS)
Sheepinator. One of my personal favorites.
It's time for a change of management.
[BLEATING)
Huh? Uh-oh...
Okay, let's do this!
We only got so much time to get it all done.
Use that, whatever that's called.
That's good. Okay.
Right. Over here.
Keep bringing it on in, ratcheting it on up,
electrifying everything.
Make sure everything's got electricity
running through it, at least a little bit.
That's good, too.
Whatever that is, you're doing great.
Okay.
[EXHALES)
[FEEDBACK WHINES)
ELARIS: Hey, everybody! Get in here now!
Uh, please.
You're not going to believe this.
We finally decoded the Deplanetizer plans.
We found his next target. It's Umbris.
Well, at least he picked
an empty planet this time.
Yes, however, it is a volatile planet.
Its core is made up of pure melluvium.
Blowing it up will result in a chain reaction
that will destroy the entire system.
But why would Drek do that?
I thought he was trying to
build the perfect planet?
Well, because Umbris wasn't Drek's idea.
Duh!
What do you mean?
It's Nefarious.
Dr. Nefarious?
No, Steve Nefarious.
Of course it's Dr. Nefarious!
Oh, yeah, funny how
you didn't mention that
when I was dangling you
over the edge of a building.
Well, you didn't ask, now did you?
Okay, that's it. I'm sh**ting him.
- [SCREAMS)
- What? Don't sh**t him.
I am confused.
I thought Nefarious was dead.
Only on the inside.
Otherwise, he's very much...
[SINGSONG) Alive!
Okay, sh**t him.
[BLEATING)
[LAUGHING)
- You wanted New Quartu?
- Huh?
I'll give it to you.
Happy trails!
[SCREAMING)
COMPUTER: Now entering Umbris atmosphere.
Yes, it's almost here.
The beginning of the end.
BLARG: The end of what?
[YELPS)
[WHIMPERS)
Let the games begin.
- COMPUTER: Remote detonation now activated.
- [ALARM BLARING)
It is about to get real.
[DR. NEFARIOUS LAUGHING)
We're as close as we can get
without being spotted.
Okay, so what's the plan, Elaris?
Go on. We're listening.
Well, I've been hard at work
on a little something called
the Hologuise.
It'll project a visual and audible
replication of Captain Qwark so realistic,
it would fool his own mother.
With Ratchet posing as Qwark,
they'll dock with the Deplanetizer
by easily fooling the simpleminded Blarg.
Yes, Captain. What can I do you for?
Greetings, citizen.
Just returning from patrol.
Copy that. Deactivating shield grid 24 A.
ELARIS: Once inside,
Ratchet and Clank will make their way
through the Star cr*cker
chamber to the inner core.
When Ratchet exposes the stabilizer,
it can quickly be disconnected...
Yes. Got it.
ELARIS: Meanwhile,
Clank will disable all the other weapons
by hacking into the mainframe.
Weapons system disabled.
ELARIS: Leaving the Deplanetizer completely
vulnerable to any outside forces.
[GASPS)
COMPUTER: Warning. Warning.
Core stabilizer offline.
Run away! Everybody panic!
- Warning. Warning.
- What's happening?
Warning. Core stabilizer offline.
Dr. Nefarious, sir... I mean, Doctor!
Where are you going?
Me? Nowhere. Certainly not out
of a system-wide blast radius.
- What?
- What?
We've been infiltrated.
The Galactic Rangers are trying
to shut down the Deplanetizer,
and I can't find Chairman Drek anywhere!
Ah!
You want something done right,
you have to do it yourself.
- COMPUTER: Warning. Warning.
- Huh?
Core stabilizer offline.
BLARG: Everybody panic!
CAPTAIN QWARK: Ratchet...
[GRUNTING)
And we're clear. All units, move in.
ELARIS: Yeah! Way to go, you guys!
- Ratchet!
- [GASPS)
Greetings, Cadet.
Captain Qwark, on behalf
of the Galactic Rangers,
I'm placing you under arrest.
You can't do that.
I'll just arrest you right back!
On what charge?
False arrest? Being annoying? Who cares?
You stabbed your own team
in the back, Qwark!
Just like you stabbed me in the back,
taking my fans, my sponsors,
my lucrative endorsement deals,
my parking space!
You were my hero.
Now you're no better than Nefarious!
How dare you.
I am way better-looking than Nefarious!
I'm taking you in.
By force, if necessary.
Oh, wittle wombax with a wittle g*n!
[LAUGHING)
[GRUNTS)
Huh.
[GRUNTS)
Qwark, stop! You don't want to do this!
Don't tell me what I want to do!
[GRUNTING)
On your left, Ratchet. Now your right.
Huh?
Enough, Qwark!
[GROWLS)
Whoa!
Nefarious is tricking you! He wants you
to destroy the entire system!
Oh, that's right, you know everything.
Uh-oh!
Hey, why don't we all
just listen to Ratchet?
Ratchet, look out!
Whoa!
Oh, my.
Buzz Blades? I taught
you better than that!
[CREATURE LAUGHING)
[GASPS)
Some of it got in my mouth!
It's in my mouth!
He's just too good.
Oh, dear.
Whoa!
- [SCREAMING)
- Clank!
Tornado Launcher!
Nefarious may be a homicidal lunatic,
but he sure can build a g*n.
Qwark, please! You're not a villain!
You're not like Nefarious.
This isn't you, and you know it!
If Umbris is destroyed,
everyone will die, including us!
Is that how you want to be remembered?
[GRUNTS)
I'm... I'm sorry.
I don't know how things got this far.
This is just pathetic!
Nefarious.
Give it up. It's over.
As head of the Galactic Rangers, uh,
he's here to place you under arrest.
Me?
Absolutely.
Arrest this man for his speakable
crimes against the galaxy.
My crimes?
The real crime is how you treated me!
The Rangers couldn't even
give me a proper laboratory!
We have an operational budget!
You called me "King of the Nerd Herd!"
It was a term of endearment!
Day after day, I slaved away,
creating all the weapons and devices
that made you look like a hero.
But you're not a hero.
You're not even a good villain!
You're the galaxy's biggest joke.
Maybe.
But now the last laugh is on you.
Wait, what? That didn't make any sense.
- Sure it did.
- No, it didn't.
It sounded like you were combining
"The joke is on you"
with "I'll have the last laugh."
Take your pick.
That's not how it works!
Get ready to engage mag-boosters!
Ratchet and Clank are still inside.
Drek's going to fire at any moment!
We don't have any more time!
My point is, if you're going to use
a one-liner, it should make sense,
and be relevant to the situation!
Look, I workshop thousands of these
a year, and they can't all be gold!
Now, put your hands in the air!
Over your dead body!
Whoa!
[LAUGHING)
Incoming.
[RATCHET SCREAMS)
[LAUGHING)
Whoa! [GRUNTS)
- [ALL SCREAMING)
- [SOBBING) Mommy!
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Dialing Mother.
- [DIALING)
WOMAN ON PHONE:
Hello, Horkelberg residence!
BRAX: Mag-boosters engaged!
Full power!
[ENGINE REVVING)
[BEEPING)
It's working.
Stay with it.
BRAX: Steady now! Steady!
Whoa!
[DR. NEFARIOUS SCREAMING)
What's happening?
Whoa!
COMPUTER: Deplanetizer now online.
Qwark! Don't let him turn it on!
Get off me, you has-been!
- [YELLING)
- [GRUNTS)
[LAUGHING)
[ALARM BLARING)
You know, maybe Drek was right.
I am a mad scientist.
Whoo-hoo! They missed!
[BLEATING)
Lousy, insolent, idiotic...
[GRUNTS)
[GASPS)
[CHUCKLES)
[EXPLODING)
Break off. Break off!
Copy that.
ELARIS: Ratchet, you have to
get out of there now!
COMPUTER: w*apon locker depleted.
Hmm.
[GRUNTS) Yeah. We're working on it.
No! My plan! You've ruined my plan!
[GRUNTS)
You've had this one coming
a long time, Qwark!
- [EXCLAIMS)
- [LAUGHING)
Of all my brilliant creations,
it remains one of my favorites.
Meet the RYNO,
as in, "Rip You A New One."
- Hey, Nefarious?
- What?
[SCREAMING)
Meet the Omniwrench.
[SCREAMING)
[GRUNTING)
[EXHALES)
COMPUTER: Warning.
Now entering Umbris atmosphere.
Any ideas?
Hmm.
Come on, guys. Get out of there. Come on!
They'll never make it out in time.
We've got to help.
CORA: It's too late.
There's nothing we can do.
[ALL SCREAMING)
We must find one of Drek's teleporters!
- I saw one on the bridge!
- Watch out!
[ALL EXCLAIMING)
[YELLING)
Hang on, boys.
It's here! Hit the brakes!
CAPTAIN QWARK: Relax, I know what...
[SCREAMING)
- [CREAKING)
- [GASPS)
- Qwark!
- Oh, no.
I can't reach you in time.
Just get out while you can!
- COMPUTER: Teleporter charging.
- Hmm.
What are you doing?
[GRUNTING)
Improvising!
[GRUNTING)
[BOTH SCREAMING)
Oh!
[ALL SCREAMING)
[GASPING)
Are we dead?
Huh?
We are alive.
COMPUTER:
All Rangers alive and accounted for.
ELARIS: Whoo! Welcome back, Rangers!
Good job!
How many planets do you think I'll have
to save for them to call me a hero again?
You don't have to do big things
to be a hero, Qwark.
Just the right ones.
Oh.
I don't know,
maybe it'll be worth something someday.
Hmm.
I must say that it is curious
that the sudden cessation of velocity
relative to our inertia
did not cause either of you to...
- [VOMITING)
- Oh, dear.
[LAUGHS) Don't worry, Cadet.
It happens to the best...
[VOMITING)
[GROANING)
Oh, that was terrible.
Oh, boy. [VOMITING)
Make it stop!
Should we go and join the others?
I'd like to, but there's a promise
I have to keep to an old friend.
I understand.
Don't worry. I'm sure we'll run
into each other again someday.
It's a small galaxy.
Well, I suppose this is goodbye.
You can let go now, Ratchet.
Ah...
[LAUGHS)
MAN 1: Come on, what's the holdup?
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- [HONKING)
MAN 2: Paying good money for this.
MAN 3: I haven't got all day!
[GROANS)
DALLAS ON TV: And that was the scene today
as thousands gathered to welcome
home the Galactic Rangers,
making their triumphant return
from saving our galaxy.
Grateful citizens gathered
at the famed Hall of Heroes
to mark this day that will live
in hearts and minds forever.
As for Private Qwark,
the recently demoted Ranger
will embark upon
his galaxy-wide apology tour
while shamelessly promoting his new book,
Listen, I Said I Was Sorry, All Right?
When asked for a comment,
the former captain had this to offer.
[INHALES)
Prepare to be blown away
by my epic humility.
DALLAS: There was, however,
one curious absence from today's festivities,
that of new Ranger sensation
and media darling, Ratchet,
leaving this reporter with one question.
What does a Lombax do
after saving the galaxy?
We may never know.
And now, a story about a baby glypod
who can play the ukulele.
Come on, we haven't got all day!
We have 10 more proton scrubs to do before
lunch if we want to stay on schedule!
I've got to be honest, I kind of thought
you'd be so touched by the gesture,
you'd call us even.
Well, you thought wrong, didn't you?
Ah, keep your shirt on, I heard you.
You see these ears?
ZED: Hey! Wait! Wait! Please wait for me!
I have abandonment issues!
CLANK: Might I offer a suggestion?
Modifying that proton scrubber
with a Gadgetron quasar flash
would increase your efficiency by 47.4%.
A quasar flash, huh? Gee, I don't know.
That kind of tech takes two to operate.
And Grim's not as nimble as he used to be.
Then perhaps I could
remain here and assist,
if you do not mind me
staying around a while.
You kidding?
Things have been way too quiet
without you around.
I do bring a certain level
of zing to the table, don't I?
[CHUCKLING)
Yeah, Clank. You're a real wild one.
Speaking of which,
am I to assume that you have
retired from the Galactic Rangers?
Nah. Once a Ranger, always a Ranger.
Believe me, the minute somebody tries to
blow up another planet, I'll be ready to go.
But, hey, what are the odds
of that happening?
Precisely 87,534 to one.
RATCHET: Yep. A real wild one.
[BEEPING)
[HUMMING)
[DR. NEFARIOUS SCREAMING)
[HUMMING)
DR. NEFARIOUS: No! Get away from me!
Do not stick that thing in...
Oh! Oh! Oh!
[SCREAMING)
Quit trying to repair me, you moron!
I am not a robot!
[LAUGHING)
[MUSIC PLAYING)
[CREAKING)
Huh? Are you still here?
All the logos and doohickeys
already went by.
That means it's over. Move along.
No extra little scene
at the end of the movie.
If I find out who started that nonsense,
why, I'm going to plant my boot so far up...
I said, b*at it!
Sheesh!
Ratchet & Clank (2016)
Moderator: Maskath3