MTM 105 - Keep your guard up

[hapsullivan]

[Interior News Room. Mary is on the phone ]
Mary: No, Phyllis, I can talk. It's been really quiet around here today.

[Lou bursts into the room ]
Lou: Mary, get a camera crew downtown right away!

Mary: Just a minute. Phyllis, I'll call you back.
Mr. Grant, we don't have a camera crew available.
One is covering the prison riot, and I can't locate the other one.

Lou: The biggest story of the week breaks, and we're doing a prison riot?

Mary: - What's the story?

Lou: There's a major traffic jam!

Mary: A major traffic... Mr. Grant, why is a traffic jam
more important than the prison riot?

Lou: You are so lucky. I am going to tell you
everything I know about news. - It's worth taking notes.

Mary: - Oh.

Lou: Don't take notes. Why is a traffic jam
more important than a prison riot, hmm?
- How many people are in a prison riot? Offhand?

Mary: - How many? - Fifty.

Lou: - How many in a traffic jam?

Mary: - Oh, I see.

Lou: No, you don't. Those in the traffic jam will go home
and watch the news, right? Guys in the prison riot aren't
gonna be watching the news. They're either gonna be over
the wall or in solitary. - Did you learn something?

Mary:- I'll find that other crew.

[Enter Frank Corelli ]

Frank: - Is this Mr. Grant's office?
Mary: - Yes, it is.

Frank: I'm an old friend of Lou Grant's. My name's Frank Carelli.

Mary: - Just a minute, Mr. Carelli.

Frank: - Frank.

Mary: Frank. Prison, would you give me the warden's office, please?
Thank you. Yes, can you tell me where the riot is today?
Oh. Well, as you were taking over the office, did you happen to notice
a W.J.M. TV crew... Hello? Kind of a crisis situation has arisen.
Mr. Grant won't be too much longer.

[ Murray and Lou enter from separate doors.]

Murray:- I got it solved for you, Lou.

Lou:- How?

Murray: I dug up this film of a 1952 traffic jam.
All traffic jams look alike.

Lou: That solution could cost us our license, Murray.
We can't put on a 1952 traffic jam as the one we're having today.
- The FCC takes a dim view of that.

Murray: - Read my lead.

Lou: "Today's traffic tie-up was the worst since 1952,
which you'll all remember looked like this." Murray, I love you.
Get it to Ted.

Mary: Mr. Grant. Mr. Carelli is here to see you.

Lou: Frank! How goes it? Long time, no see.

Frank: - I didn't know you'd recognize me.

Lou: - Are you kidding? Hey, everybody, I want you to come over
and say hello to Frank Burelli.

Frank: Carelli.

Lou: Uh, Frank's one of the greatest guards that ever played pro ball.

Frank: Thanks, but I was only second string.

Lou: Hey, listen. I'd like to stay around and chew the fat with you,
but you caught me at a very bad time. Why don't you tell the guys what it felt
like to play on a championship team.

Frank: Well, I don't know... They won the title the year after I retired.
I guess it'd feel great.

Murray: - Well, what are you doing now, Frank?

Frank: - I'm in insurance.

Murray: I've gotta fill my stapler. Great meeting you, Frank.

Mary: - Guess it's just one of those days.

Frank: - Yeah, guess so. I don't suppose you'd be interested
in buying some insurance?

Mary: Well, I don't think so, no. Uh, of course, we could
talk about it sometime.

Frank: - Yeah? When? How 'bout tomorrow night? - Tomorrow?
- What's your address?

Mary:- 119 North...

Frank: - I don't have a pencil.

Mary:- Oh. Here. - 119 North Wetherley.

Frank: - North Wetherley. Great... I shall see you
tomorrow at 8:00.

Mary: - At 8:00.
Frank: - Right.

[Mary apartment. Mary is working on Rhoda's hair. There is a knock on the door.]

Phyllis: Yoo-hoo.

Mary: - Come in.
Phyllis: - Hi! I'll just be a minute. Uh, that's not likely
to help, Rhoda.

Rhoda: - What?

Phyliss:- No, I'm just kidding. - Actually, you never looked better.

Rhoda: - Very funny, Phyllis.

Phyllis: Mary, I'd like to give you a chance
to atone for hanging up on me today...
and do a service for mankind at the same time.

Rhoda: She already did a service for mankind... by hanging up on you.

Phyllis: How would you... How would you both
like to help abolish capital punishment?

Mary: Phyllis, there's no capital punishment in this state.

Rhoda: Well, that was easy.

Phyllis: Well, we can't give up the fight just because we've won.

Mary: All right, what is it you want us to do?

Phyllis: Well, we're having our annual dinner dance next month.

Mary: You have a dance to abolish capital punishment?

Phyllis: Well, it's not all frivolous. We do have an electric chair
on display.

Rhoda: How do you feel if you're dancing and the lights flicker?

Phyllis: - That's all right, Rhoda. Kid about it.
I understand. It's because the subject makes you nervous.
Even we pros have a tendency to joke about it.
Why, only this afternoon, a girl told us a joke that broke us up.
You'll appreciate this, Rhoda. You know what the definition
of a guillotine operator is?

Rhoda: - I'm afraid to guess.

Phyllis: - A guillotine operator... is a man who can keep his head...
when all others around him are losing theirs.

[ The doorbell rings. ]

Rhoda: - Are you expecting company, Mar?

Mary: - No, I wasn't.

[Frank enters]

Frank: Hi! I was playing with some kids in the
park, but I remembered our appointment.
So I hurried back to my place, picked up
the old briefcase and here I am. Ladies.
- Hope I'm not late.

Mary: - Actually, you're about 23 hours early.

Frank: - It was supposed to be tomorrow?

Mary: - Right.

Frank: Boy, am I dumb.

Mary: Well, listen. As long as you're here, Phyllis, Rhoda,
I'd like you to meet Frank Carelli.
He's gonna show me some life insurance
plans. Why don't you sit down?
- I'll get you some coffee.

Frank: - Could I have some milk instead?

Mary: - Milk, sure.

Rhoda: - Life insurance, huh? Well, that leaves me out.
I still haven't met a beneficiary.

Phyllis: My husband and I are into "cryonetics."
- So, we don't need any insurance.

Frank: - What's that?

Phyllis: When Lars and I, uh, go, uh, we will be frozen.
Then, of course, when they discover a cure...
for whatever it is that made us, uh, go,
we will be defrosted.

Frank: Hey, I think we could work out a plan...
where you wouldn't have to pay
the premiums while you're on ice.

Rhoda: Good thinking.

Phyllis: Frank, how would you like to serve humanity...
by stoping capital punishment,
and all you have to do is buy a chance?

Frank: - Yeah, a chance, sure.

Phyllis: - You can win an antique guillotine.

Mary: - Just what you've always wanted.

Rhoda: - For that useless wall over there.

Phyllis: - That'll be ten dollars.

Frank: - Ten dollars? Oh, well, here you go...
two fives.

Phyllis: Thank you, Frank. I must run, Mary.
Here, pin this on his snowsuit. It shows he gave.

Mary: It looks like a little man with a noose around his neck.

Phyllis: It is. When you move it, his little tongue and eyes pop out.

Rhoda: I gotta go. Don't rise. Let me give you some advice, Frank.
Don't wear that if you wanna sell much life insurance.
- Thanks for the haircut, Mary.

Mary: - You're welcome.

Frank: Well, I better show you... one of our whole life plans, huh?

Mary: - Ooh. Is this a picture of you, Frank?

Frank: - Huh? Oh, gee, I must've grabbed that by mistake.
You see, that's sort of my scrapbook.
One thing's for sure. You're never gonna
get a hernia lifting my scrapbook. You know, that's one
of our old locker room jokes. No offense meant, ma'am.
No, there's nothing quite like an old locker room.

Mary: - This is a nice picture of you.

Frank: - Thanks. That's my bubble gum card.
Hey, I don't think I've ever met anyone
who was on a bubble gum card before.

Frank: There's some information about me on the back.
Look at all the places you've played...
- Los Angeles, Dallas, Minnesota.

Frank: - Mm-hmm. If I'd have been on the first string,
I could have owned a restaurant.

Mary: - Is that what you really wanted to do?

Frank: - It beats hustling insurance. Owning a restaurant's
a good career. Or... Colts: 21; Lions: 14.
San Francisco: 0; Chicago: 22. - How was I?

Mary: - It depends on what you were doing.

Frank: Sportscasting. I'll be honest with you, Mary.
That's what I really wanted to talk to Lou Grant about.
I heard there was a job for a sportscaster that was opening.

Mary: Yeah, I think there is.

Frank: How 'bout it? Do you think you could get me a cr*ck at it?

Mary: You don't need me. Mr. Grant's gonna have open auditions for the job.

Frank: - It never hurts to have contacts.

Mary: - Yeah, but in this case...

Frank: - You need a contact to get anywhere.

Mary: - But I don't think...

Frank: - Will you be my contact?

Mary: - But I...

FranK: - Will you be my contact?

Mary: - I'll be your contact.

[Cut to next day. Mary is in Lou's office. ]

Mary: Mr. Grant, has the sportscaster's job been filled yet?

Lou: Nope, but it won't be open for long.
Everybody in the state wants that job.
And why not? All you have to do
is stand in front of a camera, read the scores
for two and a half minutes... and collect 20 grand a year.
I'm trying to figure out how I can throw the job to my wife.

Mary: - You think Frank might be good?

Frank: - No.

Mary: But what if he came in and auditioned...
and, I mean, really knocked you right out?
- What if he was terrific?

Lou: - You know, that's not a bad idea.

Mary: - You mean seeing Frank Carelli?

Lou: - No, my wife. If I put her in a sports jacket,
pull her hair back. - Tell Frank he can audition.

Mary: - Yeah?

[Mary walks out into newsroom. Frank is under Mary's desk.]

Frank: Hi! Bet you didn't expect to see me today.

Mary: No, I didn't. What are you doing down there?

Frank: - Plugging in my tape recorder.

[Frank bangs his head on Mary's desk.]

Frank: - Ooh!

Mary: - Are you all right?

Frank: - Oh, yeah. It's been hit a lot harder.
- Hey, wanna hear my book?

Mary: - Hear your book?

Frank: Yeah, it's something I started my last year in training camp.
A lot of the fellas are doing it. Sort of a diary on tape.
Then they get some author to come in and turn it into a book.
I never finished mine, though. It shouldn't be a total loss.
You can get to hear my speaking style.

Mary: - Mr. Grant says you can audition.

Frank: - That's terrific. Thanks. You see what a contact can do?
Okay, now listen to this. - Testing. One, two, three. Testing.
- It gets better. My Life on the Gridiron, by Frank Carelli.
This book is dedicated to my wonderful teammates...
the '65 Rams, the '66 Cowboys... and the '67 Vikings.

Mary: - Very interesting.

Frank: - Wait. I'm just rolling now. Listen.
Page one... July 20. First day of training today.
We did a lot of exercises and ran up and down the field.
I must be getting old. We got a saying on
the locker room wall... "Out of shape, out of breath,
out of the championship. "

[Cut to Mary's Apartment. Mary is still listening to the tape
recording with Rhoda. ]

Frank's voice: July 21.
Head Coach Lucas yelled at me today. Especially when my man
got by me a couple of times. He's a rookie, but pretty quick.
And the defense keeps blitzing, and I'm really b*at.
Well, it's lights out.

Rhoda: - What does "blitzing" mean?

Mary: - I don't know. Sounds terrible, though.

Rhoda: Come on. You must know, Mary.
I like you, but you must have been
a cheerleader in high school.

Mary: - I was not a cheerleader.

Rhoda: - No kidding?

Mary: I was a pom-pom girl.

Rhoda: I was on the drum and bugle corps.

Frank's voice: August 6... 13th day of training.
Billy Jackson, our halfback... made 8,000 bucks today
for endorsing a hair cream. They could've got me
for a couple hundred. I guess nobody cares
what hair cream I use. I usually buy the one
that's on sale.

Rhoda: Mary, I don't know a thing about
sportscasting, but I'm an expert on bad.
Accept it. You can't do anything for this guy.
Listen, thanks for dinner.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Frank's voice: September 9.
Thirty-seventh day of training.
That Coach Lucas screamed in my ear today like a maniac.
Called me a lazy old man. - It's just so I'll play better.

Rhoda: Mary, I know what you're thinking,
but you can't help everybody.

Frank's voice: Well, I turned in my playbook.
This time they couldn't even trade me.
I'm off the team. I got cut.
What am I feeling bad about?
It's time I got into something else.
There's probably plenty of other things
I can do...plenty of other things.
I just don't know what they are yet. That's all.

Rhoda: Mary, why aren't you helping this man?

[Cut to Mary's apartment later that evening. She and Rhoda are walking in. ]

Rhoda: - Anything interesting, Mar?

Mary: - Well, a couple of bills. An ad for a correspondence course.

Rhoda: - Oh, yeah? For what?

Mary: - The Famous Plumbers School.

Rhoda: The Famous Plumbers?

Mary: I get on some weird mailing list every once in a while.

[Frank enters.]

Frank: - Make way for the master chef.

Rhoda: - Hi. What's the occasion?

Frank: You girls have been so nice, I thought
I'd come here and cook you dinner.

Rhoda:- You cook?

Frank: - Do I cook? - I'm Italian, aren't I?

Mary:- Hey, that's great. I love Italian food.
What are you cooking?

Frank: Steaks.

Rhoda: - Uh-huh.

Mary:- What?

Rhoda: A man is pretty serious when he starts cooking dinner.

Mary: - Rhoda, that's silly.

Rhoda: - Serious. This isn't just gratitude.
- He's after one of us.

Mary: - Rhoda, you're being ridiculous.

Rhoda: Do you think so? You pom-pom girls
always wind up with football players.

Frank: Mary, where do you keep your meat pounder?

Mary: - My meat pounder?

Frank: - Oh, yeah. I should have known. What would a classy lady like you
be doing with a meat pounder?

Mary: - Where are you going?

Rhoda: - Upstairs to get my meat pounder.

Mary: Can I help?

Frank: Huh? Oh, no. You relax. You worked today.

Mary: - Well, so did you.

Frank: - No, I didn't. Every time I go out to sell insurance,
my stomach gets all upset... and I think that
I'm bothering people. That's why sportscasting
would be a very good thing. Besides, I'd get to
hang around you all day.

Mary: - Uh, Frank?

Frank: - Uh-huh?

Mary: - You and I are buddies, right?

Frank: - Right.

Mary: - Good friends?

Frank: - Right.

Mary: Well, I just wanted to know.

Frank: Oh, I see what you're getting at.
- The male animal has certain needs?

Mary: - No.

Frank; Well, no offense, but you're a little bit too skinny for me.

Mary: - I am?

Frank: - Yeah. I mean, I like big broads. You know? Zaftig.
So, don't sweat it.

Mary: Okay, I won't sweat it.

Frank: Here's our passport to good eating.
This is Frank Carelli with the sports.

[Cut to Newsroom. Murray and Frank are in Lou's office. ]

Murray: Frank, you gotta do it my way. Am I getting
through to you, Frank? Frank, I wanna help you, so
I have to know if I'm getting through.
- Am I getting through to you?
- One more to go before your audition.

[Mary walks in.]

Murray: Mary, I can't do a thing with this man.
He won't listen to me.

Frank: How can I help but listen to you the way you're screaming?

Murray: I'm only screaming at you because I wanna help you.

Frank: - Stop screaming if you wanna help me.

Mary: - Both of you, please stop this.
- What seems to be the problem?

Murray: - I wrote a special copy for him.
But he insists on reading his copy. Read your copy.
Let Mary judge. She'll say it's rotten.
Then I can help you, Frank!

Frank: Good evening. Frank Carelli here with the world of sports.
In the world of baseball today, it was Baltimore: 7; New York: 6.
The White Sox: 8,; Oakland: 0. Cincinnati at Philadelphia:
rained out. I thought that "rained out" added a nice touch of realism.

Murray: - You see what I mean?

Mary: - Listen, Frank. Maybe if you tried, um, smiling.

[Frank smiles. It doesn't look good.]

Mary: On the other hand, uh, maybe serious is better.
Well, better get in there.

[Frank starts making a lot of weird noises.]

Mary: - Are you all right?

Frank: - Yeah. I'm just psyching myself up...
like I used to before every game.

Murray: He's gonna bite a cameraman.

[Frank spies Timmy Brown talking to Lou Grant.]

FranK: Oh, no.

Mary: What's the matter?

Frank: Well, that's Timmy Brown over there.
He was all-pro halfback for three years.
He's good-looking, intelligent, popular.

[Frank goes over to shake Timmy Brown's hand.]

Timmy: Hey, Frank. How you been?

Frank: Hi! How are you, Timmy?
Gee whiz, it's good to see you again.
The last time I saw you, you were going
right over me for a touchdown.

Lou: They'll be ready for you in a minute, Frank.

Timmy: - I'll be hearing from you, Lou.

Lou: - Nice going, Timmy.

Timmy: - Good to see you, Frank.

Frank: - Yeah.

Lou: Listen, I wanna warn you about something.
It'll be luckier for you if you don't get this job.
This is not such a hot place to work. Right?

Murray: I'll say.

Lou: All right, now, go in and get set up for your audition.
And stick around afterwards. We can talk about some insurance.

Mary: - He doesn't have a chance, does he?

Lou: - No. Timmy was terrific. And he had to be because
my wife wasn't half bad.

[Cut to Mary's apartment. Frank and Rhoda are there.]

Frank: I blew it. - Thank you girls for your help.

[Frank gets up to leave.]

Mary: - Where you going?

Frank: I don't know. I think I'll go take a long walk.

Mary: - Frank, it's ten degrees below zero.

Frank: - I'll take a short walk.

Mary: Just come right back and sit down and we'll just all talk, okay?
- That's what friends are for.

Frank: - There goes my sportscasting career,
just like my car selling career and my insurance selling career.

Rhoda: Why don't you just get a job? What do you need a career for?

Frank: Because that's what you're supposed to have. Look at Frank Gifford.
- I'll bet he makes close to...

Mary: - Who cares what Frank Gifford makes?
There are other jobs you can have besides being a sportscaster.
Are all ex-pro ballplayers sportscasters? What else do they do?

Frank: - Besides owning restaurants?

Mary: - Yes.

Frank: - Only first-stringers own restaurants.

Mary: - I know that.

Frank: If you were on a championship team, maybe you could own a bar.

Mary: - But you don't own a restaurant.

Frank: - Because I never made first string.

Mary: - What else do they do?

Frank: - Besides owning restaurants?

Mary: - Yes!

Frank: - I don't know. Let me think. Yeah, there was Whizzer White.
Now, he has a fantastic job. He makes $60,000 a year,
and besides, they can't fire him.

Mary: - What does he do?

Frank: - He's a Supreme Court judge. Talk about contacts.

Mary: Isn't there something just a little simpler?

Frank: Yeah. Jim Brown's got a real simple job.
He acts with Raquel What's Her Name
and makes 100 grand a picture.

Rhoda: Frank, if you could do anything in the world, what would you do?

Frank: - Play ball.

Rhoda: - Besides that.

Frank: - Hang around Mary.

Mary: - Come on, Frank.

Frank: So I haven't thought about it.
Yeah, one thing I know I'd do for sure.

Mary: - What?

Frank: - Go back to Florida!
The people here are terrific, but the weather is for polar bears.

Mary: - Then why are you living here?

Frank: - This is where my contacts are.
I couldn't even get a job selling insurance in Miami.

Mary: But, Frank, you don't want a job selling insurance.

Frank: Hey, maybe if my contacts here knew some contacts down in Florida.

Mary: Would you just forget about the contacts
and think about what you really want?

Frank: I got enough money for airfare
and maybe one or two weeks down there.

Mary: Frank, you're healthy. You won't starve to death.

Frank: Do you girls know what it is like down in Florida right now?
Tomorrow the sun will be shining.
I bet it's gonna be 80 degrees and... I'm gonna do it.
Yeah, before I change my mind, I'm gonna do it.
You know what I'm gonna do the first thing when I get off the airplane?
I'm gonna throw away this dumb overcoat,
and I'm gonna run down to the beach and go diving into the water.
And while I'm floating on my back, I'll be thinking about you two girls...
and wondering what I'm doing floating in the water with my clothes on.

Mary: - Good-bye.

Frank: - Good-bye.

Mary: - Hey, Frank. - You let us hear from you.

Frank: Sure. Miami, here I come! Hey.
If things go wrong, can I come back here and hang around?

Mary: No, you cannot!

[Later at Mary's apartment. Mary and Rhoda enter. Mary is looking at her mail.]

Rhoda: Anything interesting? Hey, what's that?

Mary: I don't know. It doesn't have a return address.

Rhoda: Maybe it's obscene.

Mary: Wait, they do send things in plain,
unmarked brown wrappers, don't they?

Rhoda: - Right.

Mary: - I better open it.

[Mary opens the envelope. It's a cassette tape.]

Mary: - Never heard of an obscene tape.

Rhoda: - They're constantly innovating.

Mary: Okay, let's play it and see what we got here.

Rhoda: Mary, maybe it's a collection..." The
All-time Great Obscene Phone Calls."

Frank's voice: - Hi, Mary, and you too, Rhoda.
This is Frank Carelli with the sports.
I'm just kidding. Look, I'm sorry I took so long to write,
but you know how it is. I'm talking to you from sunny Florida.
For a while, it looked like nobody wanted an ex-guard down here.
I thought of coming back to Minneapolis,
but I didn't even have the fare.
So I found this job as a playground director.
I work in a pretty park all day,
and the kids think I'm a hero because I played pro ball.
So I try and teach 'em how to play, but not guard...
quarterback or running back or...
I'm sorry, ladies. I gotta go now.
I promise to write real soon.
Sincerely yours, Frank Carelli.

Rhoda: Did you hear that? He's teaching all
those little kids to be quarterbacks.

Mary: Isn't that beautiful? He wants them
all to own restaurants someday.