[Snoring]
You bastards...
[Alarm bleeps]
[Grunts and groans]
[Alarm stops]
[Alarm rings]
[Teasmaid whistles]
Aaaarrggghh! Aaaarrrgghhh!
[Scream echoes]
Eddie!
Eddie! Another bloody day.
Time to get up.
[Eddie's voice] Righty-dokey, skip.
[Bones creak]
[Tires screech]
Ow! [Squeals]
Oh!
Eddie!
Eddie?!
Come along, Eddie. It's the early
bird that catches worms.
[Eddie] Running all the way.
[Record scratches]
[Whispers] Damn.
[Door opens]
[Woman] Well, really.
Good morning, room four.
This is your personal alarm call.
Yes, I know. I'm just giving you a little
advanced warning, a little time to wake up
before your proper alarm call in...
two and a half hours.
That's right. Exactly
when you booked it. Good morning!
Oh! Mr. Johnson and Ms. Harding.
The common-law couple.
I trust you slept well?
We had rather a rough night, actually.
Oh... well, the perils of adultery.
And you're not too tired to make
your way downstairs for breakfast.
I trust you both washed?
Actually, the water was cold.
That's no reason not to wash.
We are British, you know?
We invented cold showers
to stop people masturbating.
Oh! Oh! Perhaps that's why you're
so upset about the lack of hot water!
[Horn honks]
[Hacking cough]
Nearly home.
[Dings bell]
Ah, there you are, Eddie.
Here are some bills. You handle them.
I don't want to get my dabs on them.
Righty-dokey, skip.
Have you cleaned your teeth
this morning, Edward?
- Could I have a word, please?
- Could you take your hand off me, please?
I haven't got my hand on you.
I've got security cameras,
so it's on film.
- I've got the evidence.
- I merely brushed your arm.
- We've already established that you
are a liar, Mr. Jones.
- Look, Mr. Twat...
It's pronounced "Thwaite".
Well, it's spelled Twat.
T-W-A-T. TWAT!
Could you keep your voice down, please?
We do have normal guests as well.
Now, if you'll allow me
to finish what I was doing
before you so rudely interrupted...
Ahem.
There. Now, what on earth is all
this silly fuss about?
I'm trying to get some breakfast
and there's absolutely no sign of a waiter.
White shirt, black tie,
wandering around with plates of food.
Hard to spot, I know, when no else is
sitting down.
Have you been to a
restaurant before?
Yes, but he's not there.
Pascal!
Pascal!
See what I mean?
Pascal!
Chef, you seen Pascal?
Pascal!
[Board creaks and gas hisses]
Chef, I thought I told you to get
this tap thing fixed.
- It's a fire hazard.
- You f*cking bastard!
Very good, Chef, carry on.
Is breakfast well under way?
Look, may we order straightaway?!
Yes, yes, yes!
The waiter will be here directly.
Oh!
Ahh, morning, Mrs. Foxfur.
Morning, Twat.
Eddie! What are you doing?
I'm just... filing the bills.
Oh, good man. You haven't seen Pascal,
have you?
Uh, no.
Right, well he's gone AWOL so you're going
to have to help me out serving breakfast.
You take their orders while I phone the
psychiatric hospital.
He's probably checked
himself back in again.
Righty-dokey, skip. I'm your man.
[TV] ...still searching
for Gina Carbonara,
the Italian star who disappeared
before her wedding yesterday,
much to the dismay of her
intended husband,
The Italian playboy and ex-racing
driver Gino Guiseppe...
You English f*ckers!
...who is currently fighting
extradition back to Italy
to face drug smuggling charges.
Ms. Carbonara sh*t to fame
portraying a prost*tute
with a heart of gold in the film
"The Last Butterfly Of Summer".
The film, with its controversial
sex scenes,
took $160 million worldwide and
won her an Oscar for Best Actress.
[Pants unzip]
Her car was discovered
near Beachy Head...
[Chef] Why you no pay me?!
[Sobs]
It's three months since you bring me
here on horrible smelling fish train.
And still you don't pay me!
And why you sack Pascal
and make me stay?!
Get back in there or I'll tell
Immigration about your visa!
Yes! Vi-sa!
And I didn't sack Pascal. I was about
to phone the hospital to find him.
Remember your condition, darling.
Use your breathing technique.
Wine?
It's a bit early, isn't it?
What about an aperitif, then?
Gin, scotch, poteen?
What? No, thank you. What we'd
really like is some breakfast.
Oh.
If he does show up, give him
some quick electric shock treatment
and send him back!
I eat your bacon!
I eat your trifle!
I drink your sherry!
And what I can't eat...
I put in the waste disposal!
You big, fat bastard make me sad!
[Grinding and smashing]
I can particularly recommend
this one.
- Which one?
- This page with all the wines.
It's a bit early for us.
What are you doing up, then?
Too early for wine, Eddie.
Go and help Chef.
Help Chef? But you know
Chef and I don't get on.
This is an emergency —
I'll do Pascal's job out here,
you do Pascal's job in there, okay?
Okay.
Now, what would you like?
[Banging and shouting]
[Banging and crashing stops]
Now, then. What would you like?
Chef's hurt himself.
How badly?
Indescribably badly. He hit his head
on a frying pan 17 times.
[Eddie screams]
- You'll have to be chef.
- But I can't cook.
- Nor could Chef.
- Right.
- Now, then...
- [Banging]
[Sighs] How can I help you?
Can I ask where your eggs come from?
Hen's vaginas.
Ah...
Look, we'd like two
full English breakfasts,
freshly squeezed orange juice,
coffee for one — ground not instant —
tea for one,
lightly toasted wholemeal bread,
and don't overcook the kidneys.
Boiled egg as usual, Mrs. Foxfur?
Oh, yes, please.
Thought so.
Excuse me, I have to deal
with the important guests first.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Ahem.
Pheeb! One boiled egg.
Pheeb! Hello?
Pheeb! Hello?
Yes, hello. One boiled egg.
Pheeb! Hello?
Yes, hello!
Pheeb! Who is it?
Pheeb! It's Mr Thwaite.
Pheeb! He's not here.
Can I take a message?
Look, it's me! Stop embarrassing me
and just take the order!
[Eddie yelps]
One boiled... Damn!
Pheeb! One boiled... Oh,
forget Pheeb. One boiled egg!
Pheeb! Hang on, I'll write it down.
No, no, don't write it down,
just remember it.
Okay. How do you spell "egg"?
No! Just remember it!
Hang on, I've broken me pencil. I'll
just find another. Oh, sorry. Pheeb!
Eddie! Oh... Pheeb! Eddie!
- Yeah?!
- Look, here's a pencil.
[Squish and blood-curdling scream]
Aaaarrrgh! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!
Here's the order.
Copy it out and cook it.
But it'll taste all papery.
Just do it or I'll pop these, okay?
Okay.
Aaaaaarrrrgh!
Ahh! Ahh! I thought you said "or"!
Freedom of speech.
It's what we fought h*tler for.
Now, let's just get on with it,
shall we?
Won't be long now.
Could you possibly take our order?
Oh, Edward and Mrs. Simpson.
I'd completely forgotten about you two.
You must be ravenous?
Can I take your order?
Umm...
Oh, all right. Why not?
It'll k*ll some time, won't it?
If you've finally managed
to make up your minds.
[Johnson] We'd like
two full English breakfasts.
- Do you have Lapsang Souchong?
- No.
It's just that I put on my underpants
the wrong way this morning.
- Could I just get a pot of tea?
- Of course!
[Twat] What a wise choice.
Right...
And if I may say so,
that is a smashing blouse.
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Aah! Aah! Aah!
My God!
Excuse me a moment.
[Squelching]
- [Squelch]
- Ow...
Heh heh!
No! No!
- [Squelch]
- Ah! You've snapped my pencil!
[Straining]
[Screaming, banging and crashing]
[Eddie] No, no! Not the fridge!
No! Stop!
Eddie!
I'm sorry!
How long for the egg?
Three minutes, please.
Excuse me one moment.
Ahh!
Uhhhh... urrgh!
Aaaaaaarrrrgggh!
- Ah!
- Urgh!
Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aaaaarrrgh!
Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!
Is there any danger of getting food?
- Breakfasts off.
- Off?
Yes, off. There is no breakfast.
You're both too fat, anyway.
Really! That's too much!
I've never...
Oh, do shut your gob, lard-arse!
This is preposterous.
You can shut yours, too.
- That's it.
- Darling, don't!
Do you want some, eh? Do you want...
- Some?
- He's a black belt in karate!
More like a pink belt in hanging about
gentleman's lavatories on Hampstead Heath!
Richie...
Hello, bird!
Oh, Richie! It's Richie!
Oh, it's Richie!
Hello... other bird!
It's Richie! Richie!
Come saucy wood-nymphs, gather
from your groves — it is Richie!
Hello!
Hello! Hello! Hello!
Hello, birds!
Come, love-nymphs.
Out of respect for Richie,
let us all take out our great knockers
and wobble them about a bit.
Oh, yes, do let's!
No, other love-nymphs,
first let us open our fairy briefcases
and shower our lord with bundles
of unmarked tenners!
Erotically...
[All] Hurrah! Yes!
What a smashing idea!
But first, proud, firm, young maidens
who are definitely on for it,
let us anoint him with pints
of super-strength illegal cider!
[All] Oh, yes! Let's!
[Giggling]
Settle, birds...
[Eddie] Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
A-ha ha ha ha ha!
[Eddie's laughter echoes]
Oh, stop it! Stop it!
[Eddie] Richie, are you all right?
You've been out for eight hours!
Eight hours? Blood and sugar puffs,
what have you been doing?
Trying to rouse you with this hammer.
How has the hotel
functioned without me?
Easily, 'cause the guests have gone.
Gone! Did any of them pay?
Er... no.
Did they find the safe?
I'm afraid so.
Damn! So they got
all their stuff back?!
[Cash till rings]
Oh...!
What about advance bookings?
Um, not too good.
Oh, God!
Oh, come on, Richie.
It's not that bad.
Yes, it is. I've just trapped the tip of
my penis in the till drawer.
[Cash till rings]
[Foxfur] Oh, Mr. Twat?
It's "Thwaite"!
I thought you said
all the guests have gone?
I thought she was dead.
Ah, Twat.
My eggs still haven't arrived.
That's because you went through the
menopause 40 years ago, you shriveled...
I beg your pardon?
I said I'm afraid breakfast is off.
Oh, have some sherry.
Oh! Is it my birthday?
- Oh... yes!
- What, again?
It's the third time this month.
Yes! Have another one.
[Whispers] Eddie, mark the bottle.
I was just wondering, Mrs. Foxfur,
given your increasing infirmity,
whether you might like
to take the opportunity
to pay your bill in advance?
We don't want you getting
so crippled by arthritis
that you can't sign the check, now do we?
I gave you five years in advance
last week.
Yeah! And the week before that.
Oh, yes.
Silly old me.
[Sighs]
Hmm...
Is that real gold in those teeth?
You should get those checked.
My twin is a dentist!
Your twin? Is that the same twin
who's a gynecologist?
Huh?
Er, no, no. He's the third twin.
Yes, that's who he is. I'll get him
to come round this afternoon.
No, I'll get him
to come round right now.
- Yes, but I... I think I...
- No trouble, Mrs. Foxfur.
Come along. Up to your room.
Come on, come on!
Come on!
Right, I'll be...
he'll be with you in a moment.
Come on! Come on!
Get me a white doctor's coat,
some pliers and a hammer.
And your glasses as a disguise.
How do I look?
I don't know, I can't see.
Edward, have you been taking dr*gs?
Well, never mind depravity.
Let's kick the old bint's teeth out.
[Horns honking]
Are you sure this is the right place?
- It doesn't look nice.
- There's a nuclear power station.
Times are hard and this is
the cheapest hotel in Britain.
Let's make the best of it.
Come on, we're on holiday! Hooray.
- Oh! Oh!
- Go on! Drink it, you bitch!
Good, that should've
loosened them up.
Eddie, get the croquet mallet while
I do some preliminary bridgework.
Righty-dokey!
[Bell dings]
Quick, Eddie, put your fingerprints
all over this hammer.
Right-O.
Dr. Twat, is that you?
Er, yes.
Have you completed
the root canal work?
- [Bell dings]
- Er, yes.
That's looking macfine.
I'll pop back in a week and give ye a
wee check-up. Come on, let's scarper!
[Dings bell]
[Dings bell]
Good morning,
good morning, good morning!
We were beginning to think
nobody was here.
It looked like the Marie Celeste.
[Forced laughter]
How amusing! Ha ha! Oh, ha ha ha!
[Continues to laugh]
Now, what can I do for you?
Well, we were wondering...
[Laughs again]
[Straining to laugh]
I'm sorry, I was just remembering.
I must write that one down.
"Marie... Celeste."
Ha ha ha! Implying that we run
the kind of hotel where...
nobody wants to stay.
Right, well, we were wondering
if you had any rooms.
Yes, we'd like two rooms, adjoining.
With a sea view, please.
Gosh, you're quite forthright,
aren't you, in your demands?
My word, Eddie.
Important people here.
Well, first things first.
Got any valuables...
that you'd like put in the safe?
- Not really, no.
- What about that ring?
Well, I never take it off.
The watch, then? Is that expensive?
No, it's a cheap copy.
That'll do.
The pawnbroker's very short-sighted.
Eddie!
...means you don't need
a watch in paradise.
Time... stops here.
[Richie chuckles] So watch, please.
- I'd rather keep it...
- Watch! Please.
- I won't be able...
- Watch!
Come on!
Mmm. There, better safe than sorry.
Eddie, take their bags.
But... they'll see, won't they?
No, Eddie, take their bags
to their rooms.
And you'll keep 'em talking? Gotcha!
Whoo! Look over there!
And off we go!
Off to your rooms.
Uh-uh uh-uh uh.
- I beg your pardon?
- I'll say.
Have you stayed in a hotel before?
This is the corridor.
And this is the light switch.
I've depressed the light switch,
which is on a timer,
which has been
scientifically designed
to allow you plenty of time
to insert your key in the...
Arse.
[Boy] Insert it in your arse?
[Richie] Never mind, I'm a
resourceful chap, so I find the...
Bastard! f*cking! Where is it?!
Ah, there we are.
And in we go...
Eddie! What on earth are you doing?
Uh... I... was...
just going to unpack for them.
Don't worry,
I'd like to do that myself.
Where's the sea view?
That'll be out the window.
Well, I can't see it.
Yes, you have to lean out.
Come along.
Lean out... lean out...
lean out of the window!
Hold on to the scaffolding
and you can just see
the sewage pipe in Dead Man's Cove.
I've had it checked by lawyers and its a
thoroughly water-tight sea view
so don't try anything funny.
And, as a backup...
I've got a picture of some sea,
so I've got you both ways.
Could I just ask,
is breakfast thrown in?
It depends who's sewing.
I sometimes bring it on a tray.
Eddie, a word.
I've told you before,
never talk to the adult guests.
Ow!
- What's going on?
- He poked me in the eye.
No, I didn't. She walked into my finger.
Ha ha! Look, what time is it?
Oh! Uh, why don't you let Eddie
take these little... nippers
off to the playground?
Come on, you little rascals!
[Richie chuckles]
And you two pop down to the bar
for a complimentary sherry.
- That sounds nice.
- It is.
And only 75 pence.
Each.
In advance.
Oh, right. Sorry.
There we are. Oh, yes...
Uh... have a... nice... day.
So, as we always say
at the Guest House Paradiso,
have fun, don't go in the water if you
know whats good for you,
and try not to get sh*t on the sheets.
Hmm.
[Rusty squeaking]
It's horrible here.
Welcome to the real world, kid.
Oh! Ha ha ha!
Oh!
I really must have some more sherry.
Eh... oh...
Here you are, kid.
Have a swig of this.
It helps to keep things blurred.
[Scream]
Oh, damn.
[Key turns in lock]
[Woman] Shame about the weather.
[Man] Shame about the hotel.
[Woman] Never mind.
Happy anniversary, darling.
[Richie] Oh, no! No!
Damn! Damn! Damn!
It's Mr. Thwaite, you're going to have
to vacate your room for a moment.
- [Woman] Hello?
- Excuse me.
[Foreign accent] Hello?
Hello?
Hello, man behind the counter.
Ah, there you are.
Mr. Twat?
- No.
- Do you know where he is?
He could be anywhere. He's the only
one who does a f*cking thing!
I'm surprised he hasn't had
a nervous breakdown!
Pardon?
Uh... the bar.
He is in the... bar.
Right.
But... there's no one there.
Oh, God. Oh, God!
God! Oh, God! Oh, fu...
Everything's gone completely numb.
You lucky bastard.
Good morning,
I'm looking for Mr. Twat.
Er...
Have you tried reception?
Yes, but he isn't there. The strange
midget said he was in the lounge.
But he wasn't.
Well, I'm sure if we wait here
he'll turn up.
Charming part of the country.
[Board creaks, then gas hisses]
Does it rain a lot around here?
More or less continuously, yes.
Oh.
Oh, well.
[Click]
Good for the flowers, I suppose.
Still quite warm, though.
Look, I don't know why but
something tells me I can trust you.
You see, the thing is...
[Board creaks, then gas hisses]
The thing is...
I am Gina Carbonara.
Gina Carbonara,
the famous Italian film star
and love object.
Cor, blimey, wait till Richie
hears about this!
The truth is, I've had a little
bother lately with...
one thing and another,
and I'm looking for a hotel that's
quiet, discreet and out of the way,
where the paparazzi won't find me.
I wouldn't know where to recommend.
I was thinking of here.
Oh.
Oh!
This seems the perfect spot.
You're not in any of the guidebooks.
Nobody for miles around —
an oasis of calm.
Even the peasants in the village
denied its existence.
Oh, yes, this is the place.
A perfect little refuge
from the world.
Right, well, we'd better...
check you in, then.
So if you're not the manager,
who are you?
I'm Eddie the bellboy.
The bellboy?
That's right.
[Bell dongs]
[Giggles]
[High pitched giggle]
And... here's your key.
It's room five, first floor,
end of the corridor.
I'll shall bring your luggage up directly.
Mice.
Basque separatist mice.
I was... just... cleaning the oven
in my Ralph Lauren rubber shorts
and... and...
never mind about that now!
I can't believe it!
Gina Carbonara staying here!
Gina Carbonara!
The Melons from Milan!
Yeah, the Nipples from Naples!
The Rump from Rome!
The Rectum from Reykjavik!
- That's not right, is it?
- I don't know. She gets around.
Eddie, assemble all the staff!
- Here I am.
- Good.
Is this it? Where's Lardy Basto?
- Chef left this morning, remember?
- Damn, so he did!
So it's just us, then.
Very well, then.
Alone.
God, what are we gonna do?!
Calm! Down! Richie!
It's only Gina Carbonara!
I know! I'm already straining
these rubber underpants to the limit!
We'll soon have you out.
Unh!
[Air hissing and rubber stretching]
Ooh-uh! Oohh! Uh! Uh!
What about dinner?
She'll be expecting top-rate,
poncey, French-style A1 nosh!
I don't believe it! That Romanian
bastard! He's eaten all the food!
Oh!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Why do these things happen to me?
I thought this would be it,
I was gonna get a blue plaque made
saying "Gina Carbonara stayed here."
Now you'll need
a slightly bigger one,
saying "Gina Carbonara stayed here
and thought it was sh*t."
- Is this gonna work?
- Is the Pope Catholic?
Yes, he is.
Is he? Huh! I never knew that.
Right.
Yep, that should do it.
What's the next part
of the operation?
I puncture the pants with this kebab
skewer on the end of a broom handle.
The sudden release of pressure causes
the pants to gradually disintegrate.
- If you say so.
- Brace yourself.
And here it comes!
[Boy] It's so boring here!
[Dad] Well, lets play a game then.
What about I-Spy?
[Boy] No.
[Dad] Let's play
Charlene's favorite game.
[Door opens]
Okay, here we go,
hope you're all hiding.
One...
two... three...
Ten! Coming, ready or not!
- Oh, you've grown.
- What?
- Oh, I see!
- Are you Mr. Twat?
It's "Thwaite"! No, no, I'm not him,
I'm his deranged half-brother!
Hur hur hur hee!
[Strangled moans]
[Crashing and banging]
And stay there! Never enter
the public areas of the hotel!
Oh, I'm so sorry. I was talking
to my demented half-brother.
- Is he all right?
- No, he's mad.
But don't worry, it's terminal!
Now, please allow me to show
you around the hotel.
Oh, my, you have a pert elbow.
You must be Gina Carbonara.
Yes, and you must be Mr. Thwaite.
It's "Twat". Damn...
I'm sorry, please,
forgive me, Mr. Twat.
Yes.
I have a small problem,
could you come into my room?
- No...
- You won't?
No, no, I won't have a problem.
- I'm not being too forward?
- No, I like the way they stick out.
Now, what seems to be the problem?
Electrics? Plumbing? The... stench?
Although, by the way,
should you have a personal problem,
I am in fact
a qualified gynecologist.
Well, strictly speaking
I'm an amateur — but I'm bloody keen.
Keen as mustard.
- I'm having trouble with my zip.
- Your zip?
Could you undo my zip?
[Mumbles]
Pardon?
[Mumbles]
No, I still don't understand.
[Quivering] You want me
to undo your zip?
Oh, yes. Would you?
[Quivering] Well,
I'll have a bloody good go.
Thank you.
You see it is just stuck here.
You don't mind
that I do not wear a brassiere?
Uh, no.
This is such a charming hotel,
unlike anywhere else I've ever been.
I feel I could stay here forever.
[Zip]
You're such a sweet man.
Love is such a fickle thing,
don't you think?
What? Oh, love.
Oh, yes, love.
Oh, lumme! Love!
H-how very well put.
How very amusing. Ha ha ha ha...
How soi-disant... Ah! Uh!
Yes, it's such...
Oh... he's gone.
Ooh, it's cold in here.
Arrrgh!
[Horn honks]
Eddie!
Aaaarrgh! Aaaaarrrgh!
Bloody road protesters!
Save the B157!
Marvelous, Eddie!
Look! Fish for supper!
We're saved! Ha ha ha!
[Whistling happily]
Have you had enough time
to read the menu, Mrs. Foxfur?
Well, I think I'll have the fish.
Oh, good. Wise choice.
So everyone's having fish, then.
Excellent.
I don't like this fish.
You'll bloody well eat what you're given,
Buster. This is a restaurant and
you're a minor, you have no rights
and I'll happily call the police!
For what the Lord has provided
let us be truly F'ing thankful.
And the same goes for you!
- Enjoying your meal?
- Yes.
We've got royalty coming downstairs
in a minute so just f*cking behave!
Who are you?
- We're Mr...
- And Mrs.
[Both, giggling] Barker.
The honeymoon couple? You're still here?
Have you been in bed all day?
Well, we're newlyweds.
Good grief! What can I get you?
Vitamins? Energy tablets? Fanny pump?
- N-no, just wanted a table.
- Should we just go back upstairs.
No, you bloody well won't!
That's quite enough of that sort of thing!
Sit down! Just sit down and eat quietly
like normal people!
It's absolutely disgusting!
Now, what can I get you?
Do you have any fish?
Oh! I'll see what I can do.
Good evening, Miss Carbonara.
Good evening, Mr. Twat.
Ha ha, it's "c**t".
Oh, damn. Again.
Would it be too much trouble
if I ate in my room?
Oh. Of course.
Oh...
Of course.
What can I bring you?
The fish is very good tonight.
Yes, lightly grilled fish
and a salad would be perfect.
"Lightly" grilled fish?
And a "salad"?
Righty-ho.
I'll have that up in a jiffy.
Would it offend you
if I ate it naked?
Hmm?
I would like to have it undressed.
Hmm?
I don't want to cause a fuss.
Oh, no, no! They'll be raring
to go on that one.
- Undressed, you say?
- It's good for my chakras.
I should imagine. With chakras like those
you want to look after them.
As we used to say
in the Boy Scouts...
[Eddie] Pheeb!
Oh, she's gone.
Right, Edward Elizabeth Ndingombaba,
this could be our lucky day!
[Knock at door]
Come in.
Good evening.
[Whispers] Good one.
Good evening.
You have a very big hat.
Well, you're a very attractive bird.
And with your salad —
salad cream or cooking oil?
Pardon?
Cream or oil?
No, I said I wanted
the salad undressed.
I know, and we're
looking forward to it.
I'll say.
No, I mean... without dressing.
Oh...
Oh. Oh, God. Back to the kitchen.
Oh, God. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Really, I-I-I-it's just too much.
I-I'm gonna...
I-I'm gonna confront him.
So you take the kids to bed.
Well, be careful, babe.
[Dings]
Hello?
[Pings] Hello?
Time for beddy-byes, is it?
Sweet dreams!
Oh, I don't feel well.
[Farts]
Hey, give her one from me!
If you're too tired
I'll come and give her one myself!
I'm not joking, actually.
[Richie] What do you
think you're doing?
I was looking for you actually. Some
underwear has gone missing from our room.
Oh, really? And what sort
of underwear was it then?
Uh, well...
They were crotchless
rubber panties, actually!
You're quite sure
they were crotchless?
Yes, and a rubber bra
is missing as well.
Hey, Rich, look at this bloke
in spiky underwear!
Is it...? Is it you?
- Put that back on!
- No.
It's broken.
- And there's no other machine?
- No. Afraid not.
Well, I'll just show this tape
to the police in the morning.
Hey, Rich...
What are we gonna do?
We'll just bide our time, Eddie.
We'll just bide our time.
Can you take your hand off my penis?
Hmm? Oh, sorry.
[Eddie] Whoo-oo-oo-oo!
Whoo-oo-oo-oo!
Whoo-oo-oo-oo!
Whoo-oo-oo-oo!
Whoo-oo-oo-oo!
Will you stop making
those owl noises!
- Sorry.
- Right. Now follow me.
[cr*ck] Aaaaaaaaarrrghhh!
Rich! Rich!
What happened?
Candle in the eye.
Pardon?
Candle in the eye!
Right-o.
Aaaaaaaarrrrrgghh!
[Banging and crashing]
[Richie groans] Stop it!
Stop... it! Stop it!
Look... look.
Uhh! Let's get sensible, okay?!
Come on, it's this way.
Here we are. Shh!
Right, they're fast asleep.
Get your tackle out.
I beg your pardon?
Hand me your rod.
- Huh?
- The fishing rod.
Oh! Right-o.
Here we go. [Laughs]
Shh!
Oh-oh-oh...!
Got it.
He's got a tight grip on it.
[Straining]
Ah! Ooh...
You're gonna have to help.
Right you are.
Cor! You got a whopper there.
Why, thank you, Eddie.
Must be all the excitement.
Oh, yeah...
Lady Diana, Princess of Wales...
Smack me up, you bitch.
[Both strain]
[Bonk]
[Richie] Ooh! Ooh!
[Bonk]
[Bonk]
Unh! Come on!
Oh!
[Doorbell rings]
Who's that?
Someone ringing the doorbell.
I think you're right.
See what they want
before they wake everyone.
And Eddie, if it's the police,
claim all responsibility.
- Right-o.
- Good man.
[Ringing]
I'm coming! I'm coming!
Where's Gina Carbonara?!
Gina! Gina!
It's, uh, just along here,
room five. That's this one.
Okay, now, bring me
romantic supper for two
an expensive bottle of champagne,
otherwise you are
one dead m*therf*cker!
Watch the language. We're trying
to keep this PG, all right?
Okay, excuse me, otherwise
you are one dead father-fucker!
I tried.
Gino!
[Whispers] Si.
So, why you not turn up
at the church-a yesterday?
You are too famous not to come
to your own-a wedding! Eh?!
Or is poor Gino,
from Sicily, your own-a country...
is not a-good enough for you, huh?
Is that it?
- Ah!
- [Sobs]
Gina...
You know why I didn't come.
How can I know?
You never tell me anything.
Because the night before the wedding
you sleep with all three bridesmaids.
But at the time I wasn't-a married!
I was a free Gino!
Gina... Per favore, Gina...
Gina... Gina... Amore...
Gina, per favore, amore.
Amore, bambina...
I do not want-a to spend another
moment of my life without you, huh?
Do you have-a your
wedding dress with you?
Why don't you put it on
for me, for Gino?
So we can-a marry ourself, huh?
- [Knock at door]
- Si!
[Eddie] Room service!
[Gasps]
- Gino?
- Si?!
Look.
Yes, it's-a very beautiful.
Put it on!
Do you know a nice bordello
around here?
You find-a me some girls, pretty girls,
and you put them in another room for me.
He's bad!
The boyfriend?
Why didn't she tell me he was coming?
Ah... Leading me on.
The brazen hussy.
She was just using me...
before she tied the knot.
just one last little bit
of love exercise.
Which didn't come off.
Like these blasted pants.
Oh, that reminds me! Oh, God!
[Door opens]
Richie? Richie?
[Doorbell rings]
[Men] Evening, Eddie!
Oh, no. Friday night.
Yep, another shift done!
Sorry we're late.
Had a party at the plant.
A leaving party. Well, someone on
B shift d*ed, so technically it was!
[Laughing and sickly coughing]
[Eddie] Now, look, I'm sorry, but...
The weekly lock-in
at Guest House Paradiso!
All right, but it'll have to be
a quick one — we've got guests.
You've got guests?!
All right, what'll it be?
I feel poorly.
[Gasps]
Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!
Dad, wake up!
[Yelps]
- What is it, Damien?
- Are you all right, darling?
The nasty man!
He's in the cupboard!
- What nasty man?
- The hotel man!
You're just having a nightmare,
darling.
But he's really in there!
Come into bed with us.
But he really is there...
I'm sure you think he's in there.
I've been having some pretty bad
nightmares about that man myself.
I feel poorly.
Cor, I'm glad that shift's over —
they had to give me seven showers!
We had a bit of a leak yesterday,
had to burn all the dead fish
from the bay.
You probably saw the lorries.
- Shh!
- Mmm!
Mama mia...
You look-a beautiful.
[Loud whirring]
[Grinding]
[Whirring stops]
And I, Gino Guiseppe
Gianluca Bolognese,
take you,
Gina Tortellini Carbonara,
to be my lawful wedded wife, to love
and cherish me, to serve and obey me
till death do us part.
Amen.
I do.
I now pronounce us man...
and his woman!
[Zip]
- No, Gino!
No?! What do you mean?!
You are now my woman! Everything that
belongs to you belongs to me!
[Roars]
You bring-a shame and dishonor
to the whole-a Bolognese family!
No sandwiches tonight, Eddie?
Uh....
[Telephone rings]
Hello...? Night... porter.
[Sobbing]
Where are the whores I ordered?
I ordered three prostitutes!
Send them to my room, I'll take them now.
Huh? Okay.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
[Telephone rings]
Hello, night porter?
[Richie] Eddie, it's me.
I'm stuck inside
the bedside cabinet in room six.
Okay. Won't be a minute, gents.
I'll go and get us the sandwiches.
All I want
is what is rightfully mine!
Gino! This was my mother's dress!
And my grandmother's before that.
That's okay, bring them.
I'll f*ck them, too!
I am one fucky guy!
What are you doing?
Sorry, hotel maintenance. I have
to remove this bedside cabinet.
- What?
- Yes, it's... got woodworm.
But it's the middle of the night. Why do
you have to remove it now?
It's... a fire risk.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
See what I mean?
You can't be too careful.
Look, there it is, there!
[Geiger counter crackles]
[Geiger counter crackles madly]
Thank you so much.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
[Coughing and choking]
Eddie! What the devil have you been up to?!
I've told you before
to never, ever, ever,
service the rooms — till the guests —
are fully — awake!
[Eddie] Aaaaaarrrrgh!
I'm so sorry.
Why don't you toddle off to bed,
while I make sure that Eddie here
doesn't trouble you again!
No, no! That won't be necessary.
just don't disturb us again, please.
We'll be checking out first
thing in the morning.
[Belches]
Oh, dear... [Farts]
And here it is!
Hur... rah.
Eddie, all our troubles are over!
- I'm not so sure, Richie!
- What?
That fish in the kitchen,
where did you get it from?
No one ate any of the fish, did they?
Er... no.
Good, because it's highly dangerous.
With those kinda readings they must've
come from right next to the meltdown!
- Shut it!
- What is going on?
I don't know where you got that fish,
but this hotel
is now highly contaminated!
Thank God no one ate any
or you'd be up for 1st degree m*rder!
You wanna clear this hotel
because this is not the end of this!
This is big trouble if they find out!
Why did you
sh**t your mouth off like that?!
We better get the Z-Squad!
How many guests had fish?
All of them.
Very well, let's just pack our bags
and skedaddle!
[Belching and liquid rumblings]
[Farting]
What's that noise?
[Door opens]
Oh! Oh, Mr. Twat!
What is it?
I feel rather... aughhh!
[Belches]
Oh, Mr. Twat, help me.
Shut up and get back in your room,
you sad old bint!
[Crying] Where's my mummy?
I want my mummy!
Augh!
[Whispers] Come on.
[Floor creaking]
Oh, damn.
[Groaning]
[Farts] Oh, God...
Please, you've got to help me, my
wife's being very sick.
- Timothy...
- I'm coming, darling. I'm...
[Gasps] What have...
Get me a doc...
For God's sake, get me a...
[Groans] I can't...
Get me a f*cking...
[Mumbles] My wife is sick, too...
Oh, God...
[Enormous fart]
Oh, my God...
[Liquid rumblings]
[Charlene] It's coming again...
This... is the time.
Bweurrk!
Augh! Bweurk! Bleurgh!
Bleurk! Gleurgh! Aughh!
No!
Oh! I just don't have anything to wear!
[Loud whirring]
Oh! So that's where it got to! Uh!
Come on, Richie,
this is no time for dancing!
We've gotta get out of here!
I... w-w-w-whoo! Oh!
No!
[Dress tears]
[Liquid rumblings]
[Heaving]
[Door creaks]
Help! Help!
You've got to get me out of here!
[Gino gags]
Hey... Stop!
[Liquid rumblings]
Arrrrgh...
[Liquid rumblings]
Mmmnnnn!
- Ahhh!
- Go! Go!
[All] Ahhh!
[Gino] All I wanted was a shag!
[Buzzing and crackling]
[Helicopter engines]
[Geiger counters crackle]
[Tires screech and sirens wail]
You give me that suitcase
and I'll give you this one.
What's in it?
£10 million.
Okay.
This case contains new identities
and passports for the three of you.
And first class plane tickets
to the Caribbean.
Okay...
Sign here to say
you've never lived in England
or heard the words "radioactive"
and "leak", then you can go.
Shall we shake?
I'd rather not.
You have a very big hat.
Well, you're a very attractive bird.
Calm — down — Richie!
He's got a tight grip on it.
Candle in the eye!
Righto.
Aaaaaarrrggghh!
[All laugh]
Thank you so much for k*lling
my awful boyfriend
by radioactive fish poisoning.
How lucky that he was the only fatality.
Yes.
Otherwise there'd be a moral
question mark over hanging our escape.
I don't think I will ever be
able to repay you.
Oh, I don't know.
It's my turn, isn't it?
Yes, of course it is.
Guest House Paradiso (1999)
Moderator: Maskath3
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