01x01 - Unselfish UnSaturday

[bunniefuu]

DJ: Alright, team.

As you all know,

today isn't just any old Saturday.

Oh, no.

Today is our annual fundraiser

where half our proceeds

are donated back to the

fine people of Korverton.

That's right It's

Insane Insaturday, we know.

Oh, not this year, Wayne.

It turns out the name

"Insane Insaturday"

was actually incredibly offensive

to insane people, so

This year I've gone ahead

and officially changed

the name to

Unselfish Unsaturday.

What is "Un-Saturday"?

Sounds like any day but Saturday!

Yeah, I tried to warn him.

No, I get it, boss.

You were going for alliteration.

Alliteration? Try "Selfless Saturday."

How's that?

Damn, that's way better.

Where is Keeran?

Late again.

My guess?

Probably saw a pretty girl on his bike,

got his boner tangled in his handlebars,

and crashed into a telephone pole.

To be 16 again.

You know what I got a boner for?

Helping people.

Dicey segue!

That's why this year we are

gonna hit $20,000 in sales,

a goal we've never hit before!

Yeah,

but we have been sniffing it for years!

That's right, Cyn.

But this year, we're gonna

dip our noses all the way in.

'Cause I'm throwin'

in a little incentive,

a reward for each and every one of you.

What is it?

Let's just say it's something

we all need and love.

- Need

- Huddle up, team.

Our customers could

shop at Sports Dynasty

or any other fancy big box store,

but they choose to shop

at One More Time. Why?

'Cause our stuff is used and cheap.

Oh yeah, baby.

But that's not the only reason!

They shop here because

they know we care.

The point is, when we open those doors,

the customers are gonna

spread through this store

like ringworm on a wrestling mat.

Uh, DJ?

They're gonna do that because we listen.

- DJ?

- We understand them.

DJ?

They're gonna come

because we pay attention.

- JEN: Hey, boss?

- Yeah, Jen?

I think Cynthia's

trying to say something.

Oh, I'm sorry, Cynth.

You know I have a hard time

hearing when I'm talking,

and you're on my right side;

That's my bad ear.

- Oh, right.

- Or if you're behind me,

'cause the mics only face forward.

I just wanted to point out

that we actually opened

four and a half minutes ago.

DJ: Look at that.

Carried away by my own

pre-game speech, again.

Alright, g*ng. [CLAPS]

Let's bring it in!

Three, two

ALL: One More Time!

Oh, that was a good one.

We were really in sync.

You guys feel that one?

Good omen for the day.

♪

Hey! Can you do me a favour?

What do we think about

this reward DJ mentioned?

I have no idea, but I need you

to cover my shift tomorrow.

I've got training for the

olympic javelin qualifiers.

Oh, you and your meaningless hobbies.

Anyway, back to my thing.

It's gotta be cash, right?

We're grown-ups.

Grown-ups give each other cash.

It's unspoken, but everybody knows it.

You must be fun for Christmas.

We gotta sell hard.

'Cause I got my eye on this microphone.

It's gonna take formidable

failures to that next level.

You know my podcast?

Oh, how could I forget

the way you revel in

people's lowest moments?

So can you take my shift or not?

That's a negatory.

I don't want to.

What if we make it interesting?

What are you suggesting?

I out-sell you, you take my shift.

You out-sell me,

I'll give you whatever that

very special reward is.

You're on.

But you have made

a grievous mistake, Hauser.

Please.

I can sell this stuff in my sleep.

You haven't even cared

about this job since 2015.

That's not true. I started here in 2015.

I haven't cared since 2017,

and yet somehow I'm still indispensable.

Imagine what my powers would

be if I actually gave a sh*t.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I

have some sh*t to give.

[KNOCKS AT DOOR]

Well, well,

sneakin' in the side door, Keeran?

Sorry I'm late.

What, handlebar boner?

No, not this time.

I got doored and I twisted my ankle.

It hurts so bad!

Honestly, I shouldn't even be here.

- Where's DJ?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We need the full squadron today.

I'm in a lot of pain, Wayne.

Yeah, well, it just so happens,

there's a huge reward in it

for us if we hit 20g in sales.

There's not enough money in this world

to tolerate this pain.

Wait! No, no, no, no what about

uh, what about breasts?

- What?

- You heard me, Padawan.

Are there enough breasts in this world

for you to tolerate that pain?

Seriously, man.

What are you talking about?

Well, it just so happens,

I heard the big reward is Jojo's.

- The strip club?

- Shh!

It's supposed to be a surprise!

Isn't that a weird surprise

for your employees?

Well

Boobs bond mother and child.

Why not co-workers, right?

That is true.

Holy sh*t My first strip club!

Oh, wait

I'm not old enough. I won't get in.

Don't worry about that.

DJ, he's got a side deal

with the bouncer there.

It's a little quid pro quo, if you will.

We gotta hit that 20 grand.

That's the spirit.

Now how's that ankle feeling?

What ankle?

Hi-yah!

[GROANS IN PAIN]

Ah, you're good, you're fine.

Sell, sell, sell.

♪

KEERAN: Hello, sir.

DJ: How you doing?

Can I help you with anything?

[QUIETLY] My nine-year-old insists

it's pinching his forehead.

- Pardon me?

- JEN: I got this.

Um may I?

His son's baseball helmet

is pinching his forehead.

Right. Okay, thanks, Jen.

Well, it sounds like he's outgrown it.

You're gonna wanna size up.

We got a great selection of helmets

just behind those tennis

balls right there.

So

I spent the last three months

taking intensive sign language classes.

Pretty good, eh?

Very good, very impressive.

But you know I don't know

sign language, right?

What?

Oh, I'm so sorry, I just assumed.

Oh, no need to apologize.

What I miss with my ears,

I fill in with body language,

lip reading, and context.

Hm.

♪

♪

Is it just me, or is this

turn-out a little underwhelming?

It is lower than underwhelming.

It is sub-underwhelming!

My projections point to a

60% decrease in revenue.

The excess inventory's gonna

eat into our quarterly profits,

consequently hindering

our capacity to borrow,

ergo affecting our ability to

access further inventory, DJ.

- So it's bad?

- Correct.

I knew it as soon as you said "ergo."

[QUIETLY] I think this is the right one.

Is there sound coming out?

Big sale! 50% of the proceeds go to

I guess now you'll never know, so

Hey, sis!

- Hi.

- What's up, Josh?

Yo!

Lookin' like one of those

guys off the Vegas strip.

Oh, thanks, man.

Uh, Josh, make sure to give

me a five-star review, please.

- You were late.

- You were late.

Shut up.

Yo, tell piss jug about what's

happening at Sports Dynasty.

What's going on at Sports Dynasty?

Oh man, they're slammed!

Got a whole carnival thing going on.

Rides, games even a magician!

A magician?

- I love magic!

- I know.

I bet Carlito knew that too.

Who's Carlito?

The manager at Sports Dynasty.

I've told you this like a million times.

You've never told me that once.

- You never listen!

- You never listen to me!

- Are you kidding?

- I listen to you all the time.

I don't hear you sometimes,

but I always listen

Shh! Just shut up.

Well, now I know

why the store's so empty.

Care to drown your sorrows

with a cold one on me?

- I'll put it on my spill tab.

- No

There's something I need to do.

Gwen's working.

Gwen's working?

I guess I am a little parched.

No

There's something I need to do.

Cynthia?

Grab a stack of coupons

and meet me out front.

Josh? Have a great day at work, buddy.

Thanks, man.

Nat, think you could

give us a ride over?

Oh my gosh, I would love to,

but you have to request it

through the chauffeur app.

No, come on, I'm your brother!

Just give me a ride over.

Oh wait, I got another request.

- Flesh and blood!

- Yeah, I can't drive you, bye.

- No way you got a ride that quick.

- Yeah, I just got a request.

- Bing, it just popped in.

- Are you kidding me? Watch my

- You almost rolled over my foot again.

- I was trying to.

Always appreciate your loving support.

[HONKS] I can't hear you. [HONKS LOUDLY]

- [CROWD CHATTERING]

- [CARNIVAL MUSIC]

CYNTHIA: Oh, DJ, look.

DJ: Pretty tall guy.

CYNTHIA: Terrifying.

DJ: Whoa, okay!

Ah! [CLAPS]

My God, look at that sleight of hand!

Yeah!

What are the chances this is

all just a big coincidence?

Carlito's wanted to

put us out of business

ever since you made manager over him.

Don't you see?

This is Carlito's way!

Doesn't he see?

He isn't just hurting me.

He's hurting all of Korverton!

- And me.

- Yes.

Hand me those coupons.

Oh, uh right.

Just go easy on those coupons. They're

- going to k*ll our bottom line.

- Time to make it rain coupons.

DJ: Hey! Come on down to One More Time!

Oh, all the way to the top, tough guy!

[KEERAN EXHALES]

Hello, my dear.

I'm looking for a pair

of skates for my son.

Oh, no problem. What's his size?

- Thirteen.

- Okay.

I'm just gonna grab

them from the top shelf.

- Okay.

- All the way up there.

[GRUNTING IN PAIN]

[STEPLADDER THUDS]

Argh!

You got this, Keeran.

Think of the breasts.

[GROANS]

And their eyes, of course. [GROANS]

Did I hear someone was looking

for a pair of size thirteens?

These beauties just came in.

Why don't I ring 'em up for you?

CUSTOMER: Okay.

[KEERAN BREATHING DEEPLY]

[GROANS] Augh

Aah!

[MOANING IN PAIN]

We're locally owned,

we've been in the community since 1986.

We may not have rides,

but we've got spirit.

SECURITY: Sorry, sir.

You can't be here.

What? Why?

Boss's orders.

That's pretty extreme.

I'll say.

Hey, can we just talk to Carlito?

I feel like there's a

big misunderstanding.

Please, man, just walk away.

I don't know why Carlito

dislikes you so much,

but his anger really stresses me out.

Oh, that's the last thing

I want for you.

Really, this doesn't need

to be that big of a deal.

CARLITO: Oh, but it does!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Carlito.

You got a lot of cojones

showing up here today, hombre.

[HAPPY TONE] Hi!

Please enjoy the fair!

The corn dogs are delicioso!

Enjoy!

You got a lot of nerve pulling

a stunt like this today.

Oh, is today a special day? Huh?

A day you try to attract people to your

rickety little hand-me-down store?

Alright, cut the sh*t, Carlito!

Let's settle this right now,

mano a mano.

Now you're speaking my language.

Spanish!

[CLASSIC WESTERN FILM MUSIC]

♪

You, me, dunk t*nk.

You dunk me, we leave.

I dunk you, you cease

the merriment immediately.

You are grown men.

No one is getting in a dunk t*nk.

Your funeral, amigo!

Dawg, hold my dog.

I'ma dunk you like a donut, baby.

Hey, how can I help?

I'm almost sold on this skipping rope,

but is it long enough for two?

Only one way to find out, I guess.

[SCREAMS]

Are you okay?

You know what?

I'm a little shaken up, but I'll live.

I'm not gonna buy these.

What's wrong with your leg?

- That!

- Oh my God, that's disgusting.

Looks like a plum with veins.

Dude, you gotta go home, or like

- to emergency.

- No!

I'm in it to win!

I want this prize!

Your dedication is both

inspiring and inexplicable.

Uh here. At least wear this.

That's merch!

I'm sure DJ won't mind

if it helps with this,

I want to say life-threatening injury.

Good point. I'll take it.

Think you can help me?

Jen?

[FAST-PACED MUSIC]

WAYNE: Uh, may I help you, please?

- Dammit.

- Just right this way.

Hi.

CUSTOMER: Think you can help me?

They all want to play hockey.

♪

♪

♪

Boom!

♪

Right this way.

And yieu, and yieu, and yieu,

and yieu, and yieu, and yieu,

and yieu, and yieu, and yieu.

Come on, let's go!

Stop stretching!

Get to it, deaf jam! Come on!

Is this really the best use of our time?

I don't know.

Why don't you tell me?

Aah!

Swing and a miss, doo-doo arm!

Would'a been cool if I'd hit it, though,

the way I said the line as I threw it.

Yeah, it would have been amazing.

I'm the king of the world!

♪

This ain't hockey, mijo!

You're in my playground now!

You play in a recreational

ping pong league!

It's table tennis!

And I'm not ashamed!

- Nor should you be!

- Hey!

Don't take my side!

Hey, gee, relax!

Hey, DJ, shouldn't you take

your hearing aids out?

They're not waterproof, right?

Cynthia, if I take my hearing aids out,

I'll be telling Carlito

I expect him to dunk me.

The mind is the most powerful w*apon.

- [BALL THUDS]

- CROWD: Ooh!

Oh-ho! Not enough mustard!

Looks like augh!

[CROWD YELLING]

DJ! I told you

[RINGING SILENCE]

[CARNIVAL MUSIC]

One, two, three, four.

That was a punishingly

effective underarm.

- Towels in aisle seven

- [RINGING SILENCE]

CARLITO: Back to the bodega, potato man!

[RINGING SILENCE]

Uh, DJ, just ignore him.

[RINGING SILENCE]

DAD: We're gonna sign you up later.

KID: But I don't wanna.

I saw what you said there.

I too was small at your age.

Then I became one of the

best damn hockey players

in Korverton.

You can do anything

you set your mind to.

WOMAN: You're gonna love it.

[RINGING SILENCE]

DJ?

DJ: I get it.

You're too young to use a butter Kn*fe

yet they wanna strap

you to a couple blades

that could cut clean through

your achilles tendon.

It's scary,

but all the best things in life are.

MAN: No, no, no, no

[RINGING SILENCE]

Sir I saw you

call yourself a huge fatty.

Athletes come in all shapes

and sizes, my man.

DJ, cabs are the other way

♪

Do you always keep a second pair?

Five-second delay before they come on.

Oh, of course, right.

- You always keep a second pair?

- And a little song.

Oh.

[HUMMING]

And we're back!

You always keep a second

pair of hearing aids on you?

Of course. You never know when

you're gonna find yourself

humiliated in a public

dunk t*nk showdown.

I do know.

It's never.

Hey, I just wanna thank you

for having my back over there.

I disagreed with every choice you made.

Yet you stuck by me.

I was trying to talk you out of it.

Still, you stayed by my side.

Didn't wanna waste the money

on two cabs, so

I'm trying to create a

little moment here, Cynth,

but you gotta meet me in

the middle a little bit.

We should get back to work.

All business. That's why I love ya.

Not gonna say it back, huh?

No.

Alright, bring it in, team.

As you all know,

today was supposed to be the electric

first edition of Unselfish Unsaturday.

It gets worse every time I hear it.

- It wasn't meant to be.

- My head's spinning.

I know, buddy. It's been an insane day.

Sorry, crazy day.

I would have thought it

would take more than a few

cheap fair rides and

an incredible magician

to lure away our dedicated community,

but I was today years' old

when I learned I was wrong.

No cap.

I guess it just goes to show you,

doesn't it?

Maybe I'm no longer relevant.

Maybe

unfit to lead this team.

KID: That's the wet man who

said I could do anything!

Maybe there's still hope!

[JEN LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I'll be right with you.

I wasn't saying I'm a huge fatty,

I was saying I'm gujarati!

Oh, my bad, dude.

I appreciate the message.

I always wanted to be a jockey.

Well, giddy-up, sir! Giddy-up.

Two water bottles.

You should try another one.

Three kids? Three kids? I heard three.

Did anyone help you today?

Oh, yes.

That would be Wayne.

Did you come here because

of my inspiring words?

WOMAN: No, coupon.

Total is $88.71.

Love to see it. Big spender.

Real firm grip

This racket is actually fantastic.

I'll come check you out.

DJ: Perfect.

CYNTHIA: Thank you.

Do you want a receipt?

There you go. Have a great day!

[WHIRRING]

♪

Thank you. Take care.

Unselfish Unsaturday is officially over.

Alright, let's see the final tally!

Oh, wait, wait, before you do that,

can you let us know who sold

more between me and Wayne?

- We got a thing going.

- Well

By $21,

the winner is Wayne.

- Yes!

- What? No!

You cannot compete with the Wayne-maker!

- I was dominating out there!

- DJ: Hey, hey, hey.

Everyone was dominating out there.

Alright, now, let's see the final tally.

Ugh

$19,986.

- We're off by $14?

- That's so close!

Do we still get the reward? Come on!

Obviously I'd love to reward

you for your hard work,

but I can't help but wonder

What's the point of setting

goals if we're just gonna

move the goal post?

Ring it up!

Jesus, what the hell happened to you?

I blacked out,

and I came to in a cubby

hole in the breakroom.

Did you guys know there was a

cubby hole in the breakroom?

I don't think there is.

There's no cubby hole in our breakroom.

Anyways, forget about the

cubby hole in the breakroom.

I grabbed this ankle brace from earlier

and I haven't paid for it.

Aw, buddy,

I would never make you pay for that

I said ring it up!

You heard the man.

With this final purchase of the day,

our total sales are

$20,016!

[ALL CHEERING]

Amazing!

Oh, and, uh,

make sure to give the sale to Jen.

She gave me the ankle brace.

- Oh, oh!

- No no!

Victory tastes so sweet! Nom, nom, nom!

Well, I promised you all a reward,

and a reward you shall receive.

Who's up for wings at Angry Al's?

Ah

- Angry Al's?

- Wings.

You said it was something

we all need and love.

Yeah, we all need a good hang

after a hard day at work,

and I'm pretty sure

we all love wings, no?

What about breasts?

You can order whatever you want, champ,

but they're known for their wings.

Come on!

♪

Another round for the 20-grand g*ng?

- Yeah!

- Oh

Well, who approved another round?

WAITRESS: And a virgin white

Russian for the young warrior.

I did. [LAUGHS]

Wow, is that 2%?

That might be too strong for you.

Those new hearing aids, DJ?

Uh, no. Very old, actually.

Yeah, they weight

about 17 pounds a piece,

and they make me look

like a deaf transformer,

but they're always there

when I need 'em.

Well, I think you look great.

Thank you.

Gwen just flirt with you there?

I mean

Nope. False alarm.

Oh, I would, um, take it easy there.

I forgot to mention that my

shift tomorrow is a double.

- Opening and closing.

- Shouldn't count.

DJ: All day at the store? Lucky guy.

WOMAN: Come on!

Let's be bad girls!

[WOMEN CHEERING]

[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]

- We've lost him.

- Hey guys, cheers!

To an insane a crazy

a good day!

[ALL CHEERING]

Alright!

♪

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