01x02 - Rocket Richard's Skates

[bunniefuu]

DJ: Hey, there he is!

Got some big news for you, buddy.

I'm getting a promotion?!

Ha! No, no.

Absolutely not.

But you are getting more responsibility.

Awesome!

It's time for you to take

the training wheels off.

We're gonna let you

start handling trade-ins

- like a big boy.

- Really?

Determining the value of

the equipment we take in

is a sacred duty.

Used sports goods are the

lifeblood of this store.

Oh-ho, sounds like

someone's been studying

the employee handbook,

which only reinforces my

belief that you're ready.

Now, I know you know this

is a huge responsibility.

Make sure you have some fun

with it too, okay?

You never forget your first trade-in

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

That was amazing.

Tell it again.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

That was even better the second time.

CUSTOMER: Hey, I, uh,

I'm looking to trade in some stuff.

You got this, champ.

Just make sure everything's

in working order

and pay him what you think it's worth.

Okay, okay.

Wait, you're leaving?!

This is something you must face alone.

Okay.

Also, I got k*ller gas and you

know we don't fart on the floor.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

♪

This is all garbage!

He bought torn badminton birdies,

these skates from the mesozoic era,

and eww!

A used mouthguard!

Who is gonna buy a used mouthguard?

[MUFFLED] Don't worry, they still work!

Ugh, spit that out! Spit it!

I hate to interrupt you

mid-admonishment, Cynth,

but look at this signature.

What does that say?

- Rocket Richard?

- Rocket Richard!

- Maurice "the Rocket" Richard?

- Who is that?

He's a Montreal Habs legend!

He's the Babe Ruth of hockey!

Some might even say Babe Ruth

is the Rocket Richard of baseball.

Really?

I've never heard anyone say that,

but someone might.

Do you think that this

is the genuine article?

- Guess we'll never know.

- We could call an appraiser!

I guess we'll know soon enough.

Hey, Jen.

Snack time!

[SCREAMS]

For the love of

What in God's good grace is this?

You ever heard of Christine Lavigne?

Is is this her?

What? No!

She's the world's

greatest javelin thrower

and she eats nothing but raw spleen

to get her body into shape.

Ugh! Seems unappetizing.

I'll tell you what's unappetizing,

failing Olympic qualifications

by 1.3 centimetres.

CYNTHIA: Aw, Jen! You didn't qualify?

Nope!

Placed 33rd worldwide and 32 get in.

Ooh, tough break.

So you're saying

that you're gonna eat

nothing but raw spleen for four years?

Is your coach suggesting this?

No, he's fiercely opposed to it.

Yet you still think it's wise.

I don't know, Cynthia, why don't you ask

Christine "the Spleen Queen" Lavigne?

Come on, you think spleen did that?

Oh, I mean, she trains, too,

but spleen is definitely the X factor.

[SIGHS]

I am gonna pray for you.

Oh. Okay.

♪

[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]

JOSH: Nice setup, bro!

Never occurred to me to

bring lawn chairs out here.

Yeah, well,

it never occurred to the Egyptians

to build the pyramids until it did.

Huh. I never thought of it like that.

Need a light?

- I don't smoke.

- Oh.

Okay.

You see, smokers on average

take 38% more breaks

than non-smokers, without repercussions.

Wow, you really know how to

make the most out of a break.

That's just the tip of the iceberg,

my friend.

When it comes to taking breaks,

it's all about quality and quantity.

Teach me?

[REGGAE MUSIC CONTINUES]

You know, I usually break alone.

But what would be an ascended master

- [LAWN CHAIR CLANGS]

- without his disciple?

Oh!

Hmm!

I can get used to this.

You will.

[REGGAE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[EXHALES]

Alright, Hauser, you got this.

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

Just like steak tartare

without the seasoning

to make it palatable.

Hmm

Oof so gruesome.

[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Mmm

[WHIMPERING]

Mm-hm!

This is how champions are born!

[INTENSE GUITAR SOLO]

Mmm!

[SNIFFS LOUDLY] Smells like 1954!

No [SNIFFS]

It's '55.

The signature's just inside there.

APPRAISER: Oh, yeah.

We've got Radcliffe, Redman, Romijn,

Romijn-Stamos That's too far.

Ah, yes, Rocket Richard.

Okay, so

- See the curve on the R there?

- Mm-hm.

Okay, see the pressure

on the tail of the D?

- Yeah.

- That is his authentic signature.

Oh!

APPRAISER: Mm-hm.

These skates are worth

approximately $50,000!

What?!

$50,000? Are you kidding?

No, sir,

and that is a conservative estimate.

It is my professional opinion

that these are the exact skates

the Rocket wore the night

he punched a linesman,

and as a result was suspended

for the rest of the season

and playoffs,

causing the famed Richard riot.

Oh! Simpler times.

CYNTHIA: DJ!

Oh, imagine what

we could do with $50,000!

That money's not ours.

We gotta find the guy who

brought these skates in.

Ugh, I knew you would say that.

- Hmm.

- [COMPUTER BUZZES]

Oh, there is no record of the

transaction in the system.

Keeran, did you even punch this in?

I thought I did. Maybe I didn't.

I don't I don't know!

It was my first trade-in.

You know, if we had security cameras,

we at least could have taken

a good look at the guy.

You know how I feel about

security cameras, Cynthia.

- They breed distrust in

- Distrust in the community, I got it.

Listen, there is no way we're gonna find

the rightful owner of these skates.

So maybe we should just

keep 'em for ourselves.

Have I ever told you about the time

I almost lost my faith in humanity?

I was on a plane flying from

Binghamton to Bakersfield.

Cool!

I wanted to sleep,

so I took my hearing aids out,

which renders me dead to the world.

It requires a tremendous amount of trust

in my fellow passengers.

But when I awoke,

that trust had been shattered

my cellphone and blueberry

muffin were gone.

What year was this?

Uh, 2019.

A $7 muffin.

Oh my God!

I stood up; I asked my fellow passengers

if anyone had seen anything.

I pleaded, but no one so much

as looked me in the eye.

In fact, someone outright

told me to shut the f*ck up.

- Whoa.

- Ugh!

I thought I'd never trust again.

But when I got off the plane,

there was an elderly woman on the jetway

with my muffin in her hand,

waiting to return it to me.

I've never eaten a muffin

that tasted so good.

So the old lady stole your muffin?

You're missing the point, Cynth,

which is she returned it.

And from that day forward,

I vowed to live my life

with the same integrity as that

sweet old lady on the jetway.

Which is why we have to track down

the rightful owner of these skates.

Your sense of justice is

refreshing in this day and age.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Let me get the door.

- This one?

Tempered glass,

anodized frame; I peg it at $2,500.

KEERAN: Okay, he might have had hair,

but definitely presented as bald.

He had a moustache, maybe a goatee

No, it was a fu manchu.

Uh he had big teeth.

He was missing a few,

but he still came off as toothy,

you know?

- Mm-hm.

- Why is his description so hazy?

It was his first trade-in.

He was jacked up on adrenaline.

We are never gonna find this guy, DJ.

Why don't we just keep the skates?

No, no, the rightful owner

is out there somewhere

and this sketch is

gonna help us find him.

That's the guy! That is the guy!

That's Howie Mandel.

[SIGHS]

I thought you were a sketch artist.

No, ma'am, I'm a caricaturist.

- Ahh!

- Ohh!

Well, we obviously

can't use this, but

Do me?

[BLENDER WHIZZING]

Hey, what you making, beet smoothie?

Close! Spleen smoothie!

Are you gonna cut it

with mango or something?

Does the reigning champ cut

it with mango or something?

No, she does not.

Are you saying that if I drank spleen,

I could look like this?

Christine says getting

into peak physical shape

is 50% training, 50% diet.

So I could get halfway to this?

- 100%.

- Holy sh*t.

Even Shane Corkery's

biceps aren't that big

and he's the captain

of the wrestling team!

I wouldn't be girlfriendless

if I had a body like that

Keeran, welcome

to the mean spleen dream team.

- [RETCHES]

- Mmm.

Mmm!

Mm-mm!

[GROWLS]

SAMUEL: Please, please,

have a seat here, have a seat.

Hey, Samuel.

Thanks so much for having me on.

Please, uh, Samuel was my father's name.

Call me, uh, Silky Samuel.

Silky Samuel, anyone ever tell you

that your off-air persona

is nothing like your on-air?

[IN DEEP VOICE] So good

to be with you here

on Silky Samuel in the late afternoon.

We've got a sultry guest

with us here today:

DJ, the steamy manager

of One More Time sports.

Now, I understand that you're

looking for a special man.

I sure am.

He's about 5'9 " to 6'3",

bald but confident with it, uh,

and facial hair,

quite possibly even a soul patch.

Ooh, a soul patch!

Sounds stimulating.

And, uh, what is it that

you want to say to this man?

You came by One More

Time sports this morning

and you traded in your

old hockey skates.

Those skates are worth a lot of money.

I'm talking $50,000.

So, come by One More Time

and claim what's rightfully yours.

Whoa-ho-ho, 50 k!

That's right, you shmexy snacks,

you heard it here first.

There's gotta be someone in this

town that fits that description.

Does that look like the guy?

- Yeah.

- What about him?

- Oh, yeah.

- And him?

Without a doubt.

Yeah, this isn't working.

[STRAW SQUELCHING SOUNDS]

I got it! Let's make them try it on,

Cinderella-style!

[STOMACH GURGLES]

[REGGAETON MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

Juice me.

Man, you know, I didn't think we'd

break better than yesterday,

but you've really opened my eyes.

I'm not teaching you how

to open your eyes, kiddo.

I'm teaching you how to close 'em.

Whoa, so wise.

Hey, what is goin' on down here?

You guys breakin'?

Bet your sweet ass we are.

- Can I join?

- Absolutely not.

Come on, man! You have so much to offer.

Well, I suppose the sun

cannot withhold its light

from those upon whom it shines.

JOHNNY: So is that a yes, or?

JOSH: Yeah, yeah,

he's saying you can join.

JOHNNY: [LOUDLY] Yo, Joe!

Check out how these guys are breakin'!

I hope you know what you're doing.

Who the hell is Joe?

Hey, Jen.

Look at this.

Any closer to Baywatch Zac Efron?

He's on my swole vision board.

Who else is on your board?

Okay, I just have a poster of Zac Efron.

Ah, give it time, sport!

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Hah!

[RETCHES]

Honestly, I don't know how

much more time I can give it.

I'm not feeling too hot.

Really? I'm feeling tip-top.

[QUIETLY] My pee is brown.

That's just your gut's biome

acclimating to the nutrients.

Organ meat, eh!

Uh, actually,

you're kind of a weird colour.

Like, I wanna say greyish.

Greyish? No!

I can literally feel the spleen

powering me up from the inside.

I'm stronger, faster,

faster than a javelin.

I am the javelin and no one

will bring me dow own

[THUD]

Jen?

Oh, your pee is brown, too!

MAN: [GRUNTS WITH EFFORT]

Fits like a glove!

[GRUNTS WITH EFFORT] Also

fits me like a glove!

As soon you two fellas finish,

it's gonna fit me like a glove, too.

Silky Samuel?

No!

DJ, what are we proving by

having them try on the skates?

We don't even know if that

guy ever wore the skates,

and even if he did,

there's a lot of people

with size 10 feet.

My God, you're right.

Cinderella was full of plot holes!

Give me those.

- [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC]

- My fellow Korvertonians,

these skates mean something to someone.

Search inside your hearts

and imagine someone claiming

something precious of yours.

I implore you, speak truthfully:

Is anyone here the actual

owner of these skates?

DJ: Shame on you!

Shame on all of you!

Look at yourselves.

Look what you've be come!

Oh, I should not have shaved my head.

Eh

This is almost as bad

as the muffin incident.

I hate to see you this stressed.

How about I hang onto

these skates for a while?

Et tu, Cynthia?

I can't trust anyone.

The skates stay with me.

[SIGHS]

KEERAN: Cynthia, Cynthia!

Okay, Jen blacked out,

but I put her head in ice.

What?

["FADED" BY SOUL DECISION

PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

♪

♪

Hey, man, I've been waiting

on a pomegranate-cherry

for five minutes!

I said it's coming right up.

Here!

♪

Hey! Can you watch

where you hacky, please?

I don't smoke!

Argh!

Josh!

♪

Would you look at these clowns?

I never thought I'd say this,

but I need a break from the break.

What? No, no, we can't quit.

We worked too hard for this.

Hey, we don't use that word out here.

What, quit?

No, work.

Look, you're just bartending for free.

I'm sitting over there

in a pool with precum.

It's over, Josh.

We broke too close to the sun.

- I'm sorry, man.

- No, don't be.

I got no regrets.

It was good there for a minute,

wasn't it?

Nah

It was great.

You know what we gotta do, right?

[SNIFFLES] Yeah.

♪

♪

♪

[DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

♪

♪

[SCREAMING]

JOSH: Move it! Get outta here!

Hey, let's go back to work, huh?

Yeah.

DJ: And now I don't know who to trust.

What's so special about them?

Oh, they belonged to Maurice Richard.

Legendary NHLer.

Yeah, they're worth a lot of money.

You wanna give 'em a whiff?

They smell like greatness!

Word to the wise, though:

Greatness smells a lot

like athlete's foot.

Yeah, uh, tempting. Tempting

but I can't smell

anything with my anosmia.

- Your a-what-mia?

- Anosmia.

Can't smell a damn thing.

- Anosmia, eh?

- Mm-hm.

I can't believe I didn't

know this about you.

It's not something I

talk about very often.

It's one of the least respected

disabilities on the planet,

in a tight race with ADD.

MAN: Waiter?

I gotta go.

Smell you later.

- I hear what you did there!

- [CHUCKLES]

Guess you never found the guy.

Hey, take a hike!

Nope, just a community

of phonies and fraudsters.

You know, I meant what I said earlier.

It is refreshing to see someone

care about their fellow man.

You would be surprised

how much greed and deceit

- is in my line of work.

- Never expected to find it in mine.

Great timepiece, BT-Dubs.

What is that, 2004 Seiko?

That's like 300 bucks right there.

$40 at the thrift store.

But you have an uncanny gift.

You could make a k*lling

on The Price is Right.

Legally, I'm not allowed on that show.

I'd love to appraise your bedroom.

Oh, it's really nothing impressive.

I've got a bed, a dresser, a gong

That's not what I meant.

- Oh!

- Yeah?

Yeah!

Let's do some appraising!

[SULTRY SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Wanna take this inside?

I'm just right there.

I can't.

I thought you wanted to

appraise my bedroom?

Oh, I do, but I forgot

that I have an audition

for the Antiques

Roadshow in the morning.

I would not want my alarm to wake you.

Oh, I take my hearing aids out to sleep.

Unless your alarm is a jet engine,

I'll be fine.

Oh, I wish I could!

I can't.

Rain check?

You got it.

Ooh, 2022 Honda Civic sports edition.

This could go anywhere

from 31.5 to 36 k.

Individual temperature knobs?

You're a fancy boy!

Damn, she's good.

- [MONITOR BEEPING]

- We're gonna run some tests

to rule out any permanent organ damage.

In a hilariously ironic twist,

your spleen will be fine.

Huh! That is hilarious.

Rest up.

There's some reading

material on your side table.

Thank you, doctor.

Ooh [WINCING IN PAIN]

Nothing but spleen?

My God.

[WINCING IN PAIN]

[INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT]

Wait Spleen Queen disqualified?

Pee screen unclean?

Lavigne seen fleeing from team?

If she's out, then

[CELLPHONE BUZZES]

[VANGELIS-STYLE SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello?

Mm-hm, this is she.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

Yes, thank you.

I'm in.

I'm going to the Olympics.

I'm going to the Olympics!

[LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY]

Hey, you're up!

Guess what?

A girl in the waiting

room said I looked sick.

I think this stuff's working, you know?

No, don't!

I'm gonna be an Olympian.

I'm going to be

a tiger!

[THUD]

Doctor!

[SPY MUSIC]

♪

[WINDCHIMES CLANGING]

[GRUNTING]

Ow

Ow!

[GONG BANGS]

Oof!

[LAMP RATTLING]

[CLOWN HORN HONKS]

Gah! [IN A WHISPER] Hey.

[LOUDLY] Hey!

Alright, well

[BUBBLE WRAP POPPING]

Yoink!

[BUBBLE WRAP POPPING]

- [CLOWN HORN HONKS]

- [WINDCHIMES CLANGING]

Galvanized steel?

That's a quality fire escape!

Nailed it.

Hey, Keeran!

- Yeah, boss?

- Feeling better, champ?

Oh, much better since the stomach pump.

Oh, terrific.

- Uh, where are the skates?

- Oh, great news.

- I found the guy.

- Oh, you did?

- Yeah.

- What did he look like?

Oh, just like you said:

Bald, facial hair

- Toothy, right?

- So toothy, yeah!

Even with the missing teeth.

Hey, we never could have found

the guy without your keen eye,

so you really came through

for the store, champ.

Thanks, boss.

I saw you with the appraiser last night.

Did ya? Nice, nice woman. Talented.

Mind if I take a s*ab

at what really happened?

Be my guest.

You took her home,

bedded her, fell asleep,

and then she stole the skates

and vanished into the night.

What?!

No

I didn't bed her.

Hmph!

[DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪