01x06 - Candyland

[bunniefuu]

Halloween.

There was no better time of
year for a theatrical boy

Than one that mandated costumes.

- Now, who can tell me

What important day is upon us?

Mm.
- Halloween!

It's gonna be awesome.

I'm sleeping over at ritchie's.

- I was referring
to all saint's day.

- We're in grade seven!

Halloween is for
kindergarten babies.

- But Halloween's fun.

Zombies, witches, ghosts.

- The only ghost you should
concern yourself with

Is the holy one.

And the only 'zombie'
I know of is lazarus,

Whom christ himself
raised from the dead.

- Uh, I think what sister rose
is trying to say, children,

Is there's nothing
to be afraid of.

- Yes, sister. When
you die, children,

There are only two
possible destinations:

The eternal light of heaven

Or the eternal flames of hell.

Who needed dracula to
give you nightmares

When you had nuns.

What am I gonna do
with my costume now?

What do you mean?
You're gonna wear it.

Who cares what they think?

- Me. Like, a lot.

- Gimme some.

- Isn't begging for junk food
for "kindergarten babies?"

- But this could be our
last year trick-or-treating.

Come with us.

- I guess I could go for a bit.

I don't have a costume,
and I'd need a mask -

So nobody sees me with you.

- They have chocolate bars
as big as dogs on my street.

- Okay, okay, I'm in.

- in for what?

- She's coming trick
or treating with us.

- you are, are ya?

You taking yer sooky bottle too?

- frig off!

I never said I was
going with them.

Follow them and take
all their candy.

- Wait. Let me
get this straight.

You're gonna follow
us house to house,

But instead of
taking free candy,

You're gonna steal ours?

- Exactly.

- I rescind my invitation.

- Watch your backs
tonight, dicks.

- Dicks.
- Sorry.

- I don't wanna go anymore.

- New strategy.

We trick-or-treat by my house.

No way the foxes can
get to us out there.

- no offense, but
there aren't any houses.

- Pffft!

I have my sources.

- Shockin'! This spider's
seen better days!

- Mm. Well, it's still
got two good legs

And an arse full of web.

Mm. Sounds a bit like myself.

I'm a bit more worried
about the candy.

We're down to our last
couple of fistfuls.

- Oh, well, I wonder why
that is, ya greedy bugger!

Leave some for the
kids. What kids?

Nobody ever comes trick
or treatin' out here.

- That's right!
Waste not, want not!

- Oh! Let's get a
look at you, boys.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Ah, the plastic smock costumes

Of '80s childhood!

I couldn't wait to show it off.

- Oh, you'll freeze
your arse off!

- Wha...

- Mom! Nobody'll
see our costumes!

- That wind'll cut you in half.

Here.

Put that on!

You be careful out on that road.

We live on a four-lane
highway, for god's sake.

Imagine your mother's face

If we sent you home
looking like roadkill, hmm?

- You think we can get run over?

- No!
- Absolutely.

Pop: it's the fairies.

They're a real danger
on days like this.

Some of the old
folks still believed

In the old irish folktales

Of the 'little people'
who lived in the woods.

- The fairies get mad
on all soul's night.

Ah, here he goes.

- Oh no, it's all right,
you can laugh all you want,

But it's true.

And stay outta those woods
or they'll run after ya.

And disguising yourself
as one of them,

That's not gonna help.

- We're smurfs.

- Here. Put this
bread in your pocket.

And you, too.

Nah-uh. Come on.

- Why do we need bread
when we're getting candy?

- It's not for you, laddie.

It's for the fairies.

Many a child has gone
missing in those woods.

Give it up, pop.

You're scarin' him.

- Never you mind.

The only thing you
have to worry about

Is some sick bastard putting
razor blades in your candy.

Or a car pulling up

And snatching you off
to god knows where.

Mom had a way of comforting you

That somehow made
everything worse.

- Oh, people are sick
these days, I tell ya.

Sick!

- M-maybe we should
go to my house.

- Oh, pop, you've got this
youngster scared to death!

- Well, you never know what's
waiting for you out there

In the cold, dark night.

- Jesus murphy!
- What?

- ohhh! No!

- Is that fairies?

- Oh, it's just a
big, bloody ol' moose!

Oh, you... You dirty
big bugger! Get!

Get outta here!

Some people had to
deal with stray cats.

Where we lived, it
was stray moose.

- Go on now, before I put your
head on the wall, ya bastard!

- Get! Oh, you big dumb
moose, get outta here!

- oh.

- So, what do you say?
Wanna go trick-or-treating?

Oh! Go on! Go away!

Get, get, get, get! Oh...

- Ah, assh*le.

Most kids trick-or
treated on their street,

But my street was the
trans-canada highway.

That one felt close.

Didn't it feel close?
- Would ya relax?

There's nothing to be scared of.

- Evenin', boys. Need a lift?

- We're okay, dad.

- Is this the
pumpkin patrol? Cool!

Each year, dad and
d*ck drove around

Passing out treats and keeping
kids safe from everything

Except type 2 diabetes.

That's right.

Vocm, coming at you,
live, all night,

Keeping the ghosts
and goblins safe!

Arrive alive!

- Ow...
- Great costumes.

You guys a couple
of blueberries?

- We're smurfs.

- I'm a sexy fireman!

- d*ck! Youngsters!

- I mean, I'm a fireman.

You sure you boys are all right?

- We are fine, dad!

- I know, I know. It's just
your mother was worried is all.

- Gotta go, mike. We
got candy to give out!

- Here. Pick me up
a pack of smokes

When you get to the gas station!

Smokes money from dad
wasn't technically a treat,

But it was a start.

- Now, ye crowd
behave yourselves

While I'm taking your
little brother out!

If there's any trouble,
I'll be shipping ya off

To your father's. I mean it!

- Frig off, ya sooky babies!

- Oh, stop it! Tsk, tsk, tsk!

You taught him that, didn't ya?!

- Guys! You heard her.

If you wanna start staying
at mom's house more,

You better listen.

- Trick or treat?
I says "trick!"

It's tough trick or-treating
at your neighbours

When your closest
neighbour is a car lot.

Trick or treat!
- What do we got here?

A couple of woodland fairies?

Something like that.

Uh, well, okay.
Th-this is a car lot.

I wasn't exactly ready
for trick-or-treaters.

Ah! There we go!

- Certs. Oh, and cough drops!

Good!

You know, I was starting to get
a little tickle in my throat.

Score!

- Don't eat 'em
all at once, boys.

- An air freshener,

Double a batteries,

A free tire rotation
with every oil

And filter change.

- It's all year round. Good,
they finally changed that.

- Should we just go home?

Maybe we are too
old for Halloween,

'cause this sucks.

- Okay, let's go.

I know a shortcut.

- What about the fairies?

- Fairies aren't real.
Kidnappers are though.

We were down in the dumps,

So why not take a
shortcut through the dump?

The ol' dump in the woods
was where things went

Before the environment
was invented.

Mark.

Everything ended up there -

Cars, refrigerators -

But I had never seen anyone
dump a body there before.

You know you live in the boonies

When people feel comfortable
dropping a dead body

Next to your house.

- Oh, we got some kids!

No, it's just them. Told ya!

- Aw, look at 'em all worn
out. How was your night?

- dead... Body...

- So... Much... Blood.

- What're you talking about?

- We... We saw someone
to-tossing a dead body

In... In the dump!

- Oh, come off
it. They're lying.

- We did! Honest!

- Do you boys swear
you're telling the truth?

Finally, someone was
taking us seriously.

- I knew it!

I said something terrible
would happen tonight,

And it did! I was right!

- Oh, but I'm glad that
you boys are safe though.

Yeah, that's good.

Fox may not have
outgrown Halloween,

But she had outgrown
her brothers.

- Wait!

Leave 'em alone.
I'll tell mom.

- You'd love to have us shipped
off to dad's, wouldn't you?

- She thinks she's
too good for us.

- I'm here with
you now, aren't I?

- Here, then.

These have been out in
the sun for 3 weeks.

- Ha! Gross! Chicken poo!

- This place looks like it
could use a little stinking up.

Thank you! Thanks!

ARitchie's house.

Fox was torn -
friends or family?

- You can't go easy on someone,
just 'cause you knows 'em.

The choice was clear.

Cops! Run!

- Attention, vandals! You've
been caught egg-handed!

What're you gonna do, buddy?

Pull out your hose?

Boo!

- Mike! Roll up the window.
- Get him!

- Here! b*at it!
- Suckers!

- frig off, loser!

- man down! Request
backup! Man down!

- suck it, fireman!

- So it was a black
sedan, was it?

- good god!

What's going on here?

- I'm a sexy fireman.

- They said they
saw a dead body,

But they're lyin'.

- Negative. I took
a look at the scene

And I found car tracks
and a trail of blood.

They saw something.
- Can I quote you on that?

- Are you mad?
This is our son!

- It's not every
day you get a scoop

In your own living room.

- What if they were spotted?
They could be in danger!

- Don't worry, we will
be taking precautions.

I will see to that
personally. I'll be in touch.

- Uh, you can call
me at the station.

- About the boys, mike.

- Have it all.

You deserve it, kids.

- Oh my god!

Candy? Dead body? Cops?!

Halloween at my house
did not suck after all.

Ritchie and I had
never felt cooler.

We had more candy
than willy wonka,

And a tale to tell
that was even sweeter.

- No way!
- Yes way.

Then... A human arm falls out!

- totally... Dead!

- That's so cool.
- Never happened!

- Yes, it did!
- I believe ritchie.

He doesn't make stuff up.

- Whatever. Lame!

- Right, our night was
lame. What did you do?

Children.

I wanted to take a
moment to introduce you

To officer butt.

Settle!

Do you think he doesn't already
know he has a stupid name?

Officer, go ahead.

- Last night, two unnamed
children witnessed a crime.

They bravely came forward,

Putting their lives
in grave danger.

For their own safety,

We will not reveal who they are.

Their identities
must remain secret.

Until the danger's passed,

I will stay here with you all

To ensure mark and
ritchie's safety.

Officer butt was no columbo,

But there wasn't much
crime where I lived,

And as trick-or-treating
teaches us,

Beggars can't be choosers.

Ritchie and I had been
picked on our whole life,

But now we had a bodyguard!

We were untouchable!

- Hey! Watch it!

- Yeah, wouldn't wanna get
our bodyguard to rough you up.

- I'm not gonna do that.

- Move it, loser.
This is our table.

- Hey! I was here first.

- you gonna rat on us?

- Yeah, right.
She wouldn't dare.

The back table was the
exclusive territory

Of the toughest kids in school,

But we had a police escort.

- Mind if we sit
here, gentlemen?

- Gobstopper, ritchie m'boy?

- Don't mind if I do.

- cheers to that.

I was the silverback gorilla.

It felt good to be the king
of the castle for once.

All right, we have
north america,

Central america

And south america.

Mark critch!

There is no eating
candy in class!

- Officer butt is doing it.

Can anyone tell me...

- You see how the map is
all different colours?

Is earth all different colours
like that in real life?

Like, from space?

- No wonder they don't
let you have a g*n.

- Do so have a g*n.

I just don't have
it all the time.

Officer butt,

Please report to the
principal's office.

Oooooooh!

- I'm sure it's nothing.

- I can't stay long. I'm
supposed to be in school.

So, what's so important?

- I'm not so sure there
was a body here after all.

- Mike, leave the investigation
to the professionals.

I mean...

Clearly, there are
signs of a struggle.

You see how the grass
has all flattened out...

Where they dragged
the body away.

Follow the blood splatters.

Here and here.

Poor soul must
have been wounded.

They might even have been sh*t.

We did find a shell casing.

I mean, how else would blood
have gotten all over the grass?

- Maybe we should ask him?

Breaking news!

The police apprehended two
poachers just moments ago.

The two men were tossing
garbage Halloween night

When they spied
a juvenile moose.

Though they had a moose license,

They did not have tags for
hunting within city limits.

Nevertheless, the two
culprits ex*cuted the animal

In cold blood,

Setting into motion
a nefarious plan.

The hooligans then set
about butchering the beast,

Transforming the peaceful
grassland into an abattoir.

They then removed the carcass
under cloak of darkness.

Oh my god!

But their crime
spree was foiled,

Thanks to the actions
of two intrepid youths

Who startled the assassins,

Who mistook the boys
for woodland fairies.

Oh jesus! Fairies!

The authorities
were able to locate

The suspect vehicle and the
illegally gained moose meat.

This is mike critch, for
the vocm news service.

- We've made so many enemies.

- Come on, gentlemen,

Nothing a little...
Candy can't fix.

- Cop's gone home, is he?

Now you're gonna get it.

The cavalry!

- Officer butt! You're back!
- Nope.

Just forgot my notebook,

And somebody said they
were handing out freezies.

See you around.

- Uh, by the way,

My brothers are the ones
who egged all the houses

On cook street Halloween night.

- Oh, really.

- Oh!
- Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

You can't run from the law!

- You squealed on
your own brothers?

- That's cold.
- I have my reasons.

- You're gonna steal our
candy now, aren't you?

- Yeah.

- Did not expect that.
- Nope.

It's natural to be scared,

But the monster you're
most afraid of...

- Don't say I didn't warn ya!

Well, your father will have
to deal with ya now, won't he?

Come on you.

Ungh. We got a show to watch.

Is probably only scary

Because it's scared
of something, too.

Fox:

And the things we once
thought were monsters,

Aren't really scary at all,

Once we know them for
what they really are.

- Well, thank god.

I thought I'd gone
and got ya k*lled.

All right now, just go on,

Get on outta here! Shoo!

Shoo!