03x03 - You're Full of It

[bunniefuu]

[alarm clock rings]

Adult mark [v.O.]: Every morning
started with a stand-off.

♪

Pop's bladder
was like a leaky faucet.

-Don't you dare.

-I'll only be a minute.

-I'm 80.

I might not have a minute!

Adult mark [v.O.]: I, too, had
the bladder of an 80-year-old

But luckily, I had the legs
of a man in his 40s.

-I'm sorry it came to this.

[western film music]

Pop: Hey!

-Oh, yeah...
-No, hey, hey!

-[knocks on door]

This is an emergency!

-What's all the racket?

-Mike stole the bathroom!

-I'm not above
using the kitchen sink.

-[pounds on door]

Get out of it!

Mark: Hey!

-Toilet's not flushing.
-What?

Did you jiggle the handle?

-Yeah, 'course.

-Then what's he doing in there?

-Hm.

Toilet's busted.

-Then why'd you go?
-Oh, why don't you go?

-Oh, no, ya don't!

I've gotta have a look.

-No!

I need to go!

-I just gotta jiggle the handle.

Well, that's strange.

-Did you break the toilet?

-No, I didn't break it.
I'm fixing it!

-Did you jiggle the handle?
-Can I have some privacy?

-Get dressed.
You can go at school.

-I have human rights!
This is ridiculous.

Mary: Septic t*nk might be full.

Do you want me
to call my father?

-No, no, no. I get insulted
enough by my own father.

-Okay, then I'll call a plumber.

-No, wait, wait, don't do that.

You can call him, but tell him
I already jiggled the handle,

So it's not that.

-Okay...

♪

♪

[breathing nervously]

Adult mark [v.O.]:
Every bump and jiggle

Threatened to make my legs cry.

-Give it up! You need to read
that before we get to school.

-Frig off!
You're not my mudder!

-Well, since dad's frigged off
and mom's working two jobs,

I am.

-Do you mind?

I'm dealing with
a personal issue.

Fox: Come on, open it up.

Now read that for me.

-A moose! Luh!

Fox: Great job.

-Mom's s'posed to
sign that, luh.

-Nimrod!

This says that if you
mess up one more time

You'll be suspended!

-I know! Wicked, wha?

Me brudder don't need no school
and I don't need none, neither.

Adult mark [v.O.]: His past
was tense, his future imperfect,

And his grammar was terrible.

-He's a loser, ya hear me?

Staying away from him
is the only way

To keep us all together.

If you gets kicked out,
you'll get another kick from me.

Right in the nuts.

You want dad to take us?

Sign my mudder's name to this.

-Why me?

-The nun knows
my handwriting.

She won't suspect yours.

-Fine.

But this makes me an accessory.

Mark: Suz...

-Middle fox: Bump!
-[laughter]

-Oh, you frigged it up!

-You're welcome.

Adult mark [v.O.]:
The bus driver wasn't

The only one likely
to have an accident.

♪

♪

-Give me your hand.
-Hey. C'mere.

-Ignore him.
-I got a job for ya.

-Just leave him alone.

Get in there.

Go on.

♪

♪

Mark: Okay...

-Uh, you got a sec?

-Maybe half a sec?

-I don't know what to be at.

Dad's saying that mom's not
a good enough mother, and...

-Hm...

-If he gets kicked out,
I just...

I just-- I feel like everything
is about to fall apart.

Adult mark [v.O.]: She was
finally opening up to me,

But I had no time
for heart-to-hearts.

The only organ I could
think of was my bladder.

-I want to hear this,
I really do.

But I have to pee so bad,
I'm practically gargling.

Hold that thought!

-Yeah, sure.

Mark: Oh... Oh...

-Whatever.

-Okay...

-Oh, hey, pal!

How's it going?

Sidle up.
Plenty of room!

Adult mark [v.O.]: My dream
was to be a comedian.

But at the urinal, I suffered
from performance anxiety.

-I'm a stall man.

Ritche: Suit yourself.

♪

Adult mark [v.O.]:
The crappy doors of the crapper

Swung as freely as
saloon doors in the wild west.

[door creaking]

Adult mark [v.O.]:
The bowl itself

Was probably the cleanest
surface in the stall.

-Eugh... Eugh...

Ritche: How's it going in there?

Mark: Fine, thanks.
Eugh...

Silver fox: Put your pickle away
and get out!

-I-I have to wash my hands!

Middle fox: He said frig off!

Adult mark [v.O.]: Peeing
would betray my location.

I was trapped
behind enemy lines.

-If a teacher sees ya--

-Since when are you a wuss, b'y?
Come with me!

-I promised her I'd stay.

-Sooky baby promised
his little sister?

I'm your big brother!

What's wrong?
Ya don't like money?

[loud clink]

[dramatic music]

♪

Silver fox: [chuckles] you're
in the wrong bathroom, critch!

Middle fox: Yeah! You should
be in the girls' room!

Adult mark [v.O.]:
I was so scared

I could have peed my pants.

Middle fox: You gonna
pee your panties?

Adult mark [v.O.]:
Which isn't saying much,

Seeing my current predicament.

-Your brother's
in the bathroom.

-So? Just 'cause
I gotta watch him

Doesn't mean
I have to wipe his arse.

-No, your big brother!

-But... He's not allowed
in the school.

♪

[banging noises]

Middle fox: We know
you're in there!

Silver fox: Come out, critch!

Fox: What the frig?

Mark: Fox?!

This is the boys' room!

Adult mark [v.O.]:
I would never pee again.

-You get busted for this,

They're gonna
kick you out, nimrod.

-Wasn't me.

I don't even go here.

-Can I have a little privacy,
please?

[school bell rings]

-Aw...

Poppy bell: Ugh!
Who the hell used it

When they knew
it wouldn't flush?

-Damn kids, I think.
Ah, some people.

-Thanks for coming, ed.

I could have done it,
but mary was all...

Well, you know women!

-I know I'd rather her at it
than the likes 'a you.

[chuckles]

-How's it look, dad?

-Uh, where's your
water shut-off?

-Oh, we don't have one.

-I got it.

-I jiggled the tommy-jigger,
but the, uh,

Whatchama-callit
didn't jangle.

-Plunger?

-No.

-I got the brush here.

-Are you coddin' me?

-Useless.

[toilet burbles]

-Mary?

-It's off.

-Ah, good girl.

Uh, pass me the thumb wrench.

-Oh, yes.

Now, and, uh...
What colour would that one be?

-Mary?

-Here you go, dad.
-Thanks, ducky.

I'm gonna have to
take the bowl off.

Got a bucket?

-Yup.

-I'll, uh-- I'll go
give her a hand with that.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Mike?

-[quietly]
he hates me!

-No, he just raised me
all on his own, is all.

He's just protective
of his little girl.

And he never comes over here

Because he thinks
you don't like him.

-I don't!
He thinks I'm useless!

He's always making fun of me,

And you always
end up taking his side.

-Mike!

Just because you can't
fix a toilet or drive a car

Or change a tire...

You might not be
good enough for him,

But you're perfect for me.

-Not good enough?

-Here.

Why don't you
give him the bucket?

Show him how handy you can be.

Now, just remember...

He's just as scared of you
as you are of him.

[inspirational music]

-I'm not scared 'a you!

Bucket.

What a man's man.

Mary, help me lift the bowl off.

I wouldn't want you
to cr*ck a nail.

-Yeah, mike, you should go
soak your hands in palmolive.

[both laughing]

♪

Poppy bell: Alright, now,
just give me a second.

-May I use the washroom, sister?

-Class just started.

If jesus can go without food
for 40 days and 40 nights,

You can hold your pee
until recess.

-Don't think about waterfalls.

[announcement over pa]

Sister rose: There has been
an act of vandalism

In the grade-nine washroom.

Would all boys who used
the second floor washroom

This morning
report to the main staircase?

Class: Ooh!

[pop snoring]

-It's not right.
-What?

Oh.
Hello, eddie.

Uh...

Uh, I was just reading.

-Oh yeah?

I said, "it's not right."

A grown man
sleeping in with a boy.

He's too old for that now.

-Oh...

I mean, we get along.

He doesn't seem to mind.

-Should be sleeping
on his own.

That boy's too soft.

-You don't know him like I do.

-Yes. You're right there.

-You suck up all the crap,
did ya?

-Not ashamed of it, either.

You critches.

You know what your problem is?

-No, but I have a feeling
I'm about to find out.

-You think that
your crap don't stink.

Well, I can tell ya first-hand,
eugh, it does.

I'm not afraid to
get my hands dirty.

Your son?
All he does is yap.

Yap, yap, yap.

That's not work.

-Well, he put a roof
over your daughter's head.

You should be grateful.

-Mary could've had her pick.

I don't know
what she sees in him.

He doesn't even own this house.

Sure, I built mine.

You ever own a house, pat?

-No.

I never did.

-Sin.

It's a grand thing
to own your own house.

Knowing you'll never be
a burden to anyone.

-Ah.

Another toilet that won't flush.

-Sister?

-Yes?

-I think I got my period.

-Gross.

-Well, remember.
It's not your fault.

It's eve's.

-In all my years...

In all my 40 years
as an educator...

Adult mark [v.O.]:
I really needed her to

Pick up the pace here.
I was practically sweating pee!

Sister rose: I've never
been so mortified,

So bewildered, so ashamed

Of a group of students.

Mr. Chafe?

-Sometime between


A door was vandalized
in the grade nine washroom.

Knocked off its hinges.

Sister rose: And mr. Chafe,
you oversee the male facilities.

Adult mark [v.O.]: My teeth
were practically floating.

-What was the condition
of the door before

This criminal act, mr. Chafe?

-Perfect, sister.

Like a bank vault.

Adult mark [v.O.]: Liar.

-So, the culprit must be
a very strong young man, indeed.

Would you agree, mr. Chafe?

Chafe: Oh,
most certainly, sister.

-Gentlemen...

You are the only boys who used
that washroom this morning.

Someone here did it.

But who could it be?

Who would be strong enough?

Who would be...

Stupid enough?

Adult mark [v.O.]:
Maybe it was young love.

Maybe it was the pee
drowning out my brain.

Or maybe it was my admiration
for what fox was trying to do.

-It was me, sister.

Middle fox: What?

Ritche: Dude.

Sister rose:
That's not possible!

You're not strong enough.

Asthmatic...

Soft...

-I think it was just puberty.

You know, don't know
my own strength.

-Are you sure
you're not being threatened?

-Chalk it up to a growth spurt.
[chuckles]

I've been drinking milk.

-This won't buy you friendship.

♪

♪

-[quietly]
thank you.

Adult mark [v.O.]: They say
true love is sacrifice.

Besides, how bad could it be?

-One month detention.

And you're responsible
for the repair.

Do you have anything
to say for yourself?

-May I use the washroom?

-No!

-Hey, thanks.

That was deadly.

-Yeah. Anytime.

♪

♪

♪

[water running]

-Well, that's it for me.

All done.

-Oh, thanks, dad.
-Nah.

-It was so good to see ya.

-I s'pose I'll hear from ya

The next time
you need something.

That's the only way
I ever hears from ya.

-Oh, give it up.
Our phone works too, ya know.

-Yeah, I s'pose.

-Dad?
-Yeah?

-Stay for supper.

The boys didn't see ya at all.

-No.

You got a house full, sure,
with pat and all.

-You're their grandfather too.

-Well, what are we makin'?

-Let's see what we got.
-[chuckles] alright.

Let's see what we got.

Mary: We could make turkey?

Mike sr: Details are scanty,

But the stolen goods are
reported to have a street value

Of over $47.

-We need to talk.

-Mike critch for the vocm news.
-[music starts]

Pop, you can't
just walk in here!

-Yap, yap, yap.

That's all you ever do is yap.

You've got to
stand up to her father.

-Oh, come on.
He'll be gone in a minute.

-Oh, really?

She's just invited him
to supper.

And once a sewer rat
gets into the house,

They're never gonna leave.

-You came here
just to tell me that?

-No!

I came to use the crapper!

I wouldn't give him
the pleasure of using ours!

-Is the toilet fixed?!
-Mary: Yes!

-The door was off
and I nearly missed the bus

'cause I had detention
and I gotta go!

[dramatic music]

♪

[tinkling sound]

[triumphant music]

♪

♪

Pop: Well, this looks good.

Mary: There we go.

-You wash your hands?

-Well, this looks good
after a long day working...

Very hard.

-Very hard.
Very hard working.

-Oh, I'm sorry, mike.
Is this your seat?

-No!

Mike, you just...

-We need to talk about
your detention.

Poppy bell: I didn't know
ya had it in ya.

Beatin' the crap
out of a toilet!

[laughter]

-I don't find it very funny.

Poppy bell: Well, I think
it's friggin' hilarious.

-Mark, you like jokes, right?
-Yeah.

-What does a plumber
play at the casino?

-What?

-Craps!

Mike jr: Hey, I might
use that on air, poppy!

-Vandalism is a serious matter.

-Boys will be boys.
Now, eat up!

'cause every time
you put food in your mouth,

You put food on my table.

-Dad!
-Ugh!

Mike jr: Gross.
That is gross!

-You know, I think that's
enough toilet talk at the table.

-Mike!

-You think
you're better than me, mike?

-You're the one always
taking the piss outta me.

-[laughs]
well, that's kind of his job!

Eh...

Pop: First, supper...

Then what?

Oh, well,
you're not having my bed!

They'll have to drag me
out of that room in a box!

-Sweet dreams.

-Will you all just
friggin' get along, please!

Dad, show some manners.

Pop: He's very immature.

-And you!
Give him a break.

He is just jealous that
you spend so much time

With the boys.

-Now, mary, I never...

-And I knew you were useless
when I married ya.

I don't like my men handy.

And I have never been
ashamed of you a day in my life.

You are welcome here
any time, in any room,

Not just the bathroom.

No more favours, hmm?

-Fine.

Yeah.

So, uh, mike,

Looks like you owe me


[laughter]

Mike sr: He got me there.

Put it on our tab.

[all chuckling]

♪

-Okay, so just like how
we did this one, you have to...

Adult mark [v.O.]: Sometimes
it's easier to pretend

To be someone we're not.

-Okay, no, you have to do, like,
that thing right there, okay?

Do you remember
you did that before?

Do you remember?

Adult mark [v.O.]:
We put on a tough exterior...

To keep the world from seeing
how soft and squishy

We are inside.

-Is this all of us?

Middle fox: That's cute.

-Is that you?

Oh, buddy.

-What's goin' on over here, hey?

Adult mark [v.O.]:
We all have baggage,

But the trick is to find people
who will help you unpack.

Suzanne: Did you make that?
Is that you?

Oh my goodness!

Is that of us?

-Okay, let's finish this.
-Okay.

-So, let's just skip that.

Let's just do this one,
it's fine. [laughs]

♪

♪

-Ah.
Yeah.

Adult mark [v.O.]: The key
is to find people

Who love you
for who you really are.

♪

Poppy bell: Looks like
you're an old hand at it.

[chuckles]
that's it.

Adult mark [v.O.]: And you
might even surprise yourself.

Mark: I think so.

-Alright, let's check it out.
-Okay.

Adult mark [v.O.]: Doing
something for someone else

Can teach you
a lot about yourself.

♪

♪

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