06x01 - The Publisher Cops Show Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

Oh, smart.

Show them where they're headed
before they start eating.

Jackie didn't order napkins,

so we're stuck using toilet paper.

Okay, I'm just in and out.
Pretend I'm not here.

Oh, that'll be easy. You never are.

Jackie, we're running out of everything,

and the vendors won't take
orders from anybody but you.

You got to call them now.

I don't have time.
I'll just write myself a reminder.

Order food. Oh!

I can't... oh!

I don't have time for this.

Jackie, you promised to show me how to...

Not now, Becky!

Neville and I have a hot date
to gamble at that casino that

looks like a riverboat, and this 50

is going straight onto 22 black.

You know, she better
step it up around here

or this place is going under.

I know.

I might have to reach out
to one of those

restaurant rescue shows.

I just have to think
of a way to show them

how much trouble we're in.

Maybe you could send them a picture

of that guy carrying a napkin
dispenser to the bathroom.

That ought to do it.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Oh, hey, Dad.

Can I store some leftover pasta
from the cafeteria

in the garage fridge?

It's full of beers right now.

But if I have to, I'll drink half a case

to make room for you.

Because that's what
a father's love looks like.

"Find it yourself.

"I just work here.

How the big box hardware stores
destroy lives."

You're writing a one man show
about hardware?

'Cause you might finally
get straight white guys

into a theater.

My old buddy just became a big sh*t

in the carpenters union.

I'm gonna go to Chicago and show him

this article, hoping he'll
throw some business my way.

Hey! Hey, why don't you come with me?

We haven't taken a road trip in forever.

You could call in sick
like we used to do

when you were in school.

Hmm, let's see.

You take me out of school for no reason,

and now I'm a cafeteria worker.

I think we can connect those dots.

All right, we're doing it!

Big news.

Remember how I reached out to
those restaurant rescue shows?

Adam Chestnut said yes,
and "Restaurant 9-1-1"

is coming to the Lunch Box!

Oh, my God.

How did you get
a four star chef to come out?

What did you tell him?

I sent him an email and I told him

we're broke, begged him for help,

and I attached this picture
of my daughter

saying she needed a future.

Oh, is that from
when Beverly Rose played

- a dirty urchin in "Annie"?
- Yeah.

Sometimes I use it at the
grocery store to get free ham.

Can you send me a copy of that?

I won't hit the same stores as you.

[bluesy rock music]

When Adam Chestnut gets here,
I'm having him sign his book,

"Push Your Kitchen
in the Mud and Make You Cry."

"To my fellow chef, Ben."

He's here to remake the Lunch Box,

not have you hurl your panties
and a hotel key at him.

If I could afford a hotel, I would.

Okay, Becky, hold down the fort.

Neville's got 45 minutes
before he has to do

a bowel resection on a horse.

I'm gonna surprise him
with a picnic lunch.

Oh, wow.

That guy looks just like Adam Chestnut.

That's because it is Adam Chestnut.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I love "Restaurant 9-1-1."

The way he goes off on those
clueless restaurant owners,

and they don't see it coming.
What's he doing here?

I think he's here to do something

you don't see coming.

- Jackie Harris?
- You know my name?

Just before you get too busy,
Chef Chestnut,

could you sign this, please?

Name's Ben.

Always nice to meet a fan.

I would have preferred Ben instead

of the interrupting wolf face,

but, hey, best wishes are best wishes.

[laughs]

Oh, and you must be Becky.

You're much cleaner than I pictured.

After seeing your child,
I wasn't expecting that.

Thank you.

Here's the deal.

I'm here because your niece is convinced

that your restaurant is in real trouble

and needs to be rescued.

Becky's right. I feel the same way.

Well, okay. [laughs]

First off, I'm a huge fan,

but this is not a 9-1-1 situation.

Business has just been a little slow.

Becky is a bit of an alarmist.

Is she?

She has a filthy daughter
with no future.

The "Annie" picture?



Look, you just said yourself
that things are slow,

and every restaurant he rescues
doubles their business.

And everybody knows that picnics

are always better after bowel surgery,

so okay, I'm in. Where are the cameras?

The cameras are coming later.

Your first question should be,
"Where's a comb?"

Oh, all right. Well, here we go.

I've been Chestnutted.

Well, technically now,
the interrupting wolf face

was Chestnutted first.

Do you think you should
hold off on the mean guy act

until we sh**t?
I know the whole routine.

You insult me, I get all hurt,

and then I see the error of my ways,

and then you show me something
neat to do with an avocado.

Very good. Show me your hurt face.

My... bah!

Perfect.

Hang on to that for just a moment.

Jackie, this is the most disorganized

mishmash of a bar truck stop
diner I have ever seen.

For God's sake, woman,
there's toilet paper

- in the napkin holder!
- Yes. Yes.

It's a disaster.
Look everybody, we're doing it.

If you think this is funny,
you are missing the point.

I am here because
your niece sent me your books.

And when I say books,
I mean the paper towels

and to go cups you keep
your financial records on.

Your business plan isn't sound.

- Do you serve dinner here?
- Yes, we do.

Then why in the hell
do you call it the Lunch Box?

Why not just call it the
don't come here for dinner box?

You're very good at this.

If I was more sensitive,
this would be really,

um, affecting me right now.

It should affect you.

You are running the family business

into the ground.

I'd say you're about a month
away from losing this place.

Okay, I get it. Okay.

I don't want to lose the restaurant.

I... I haven't been smart.

- Please rescue my restaurant.
- Yes!

That's what I was waiting to hear.

Do you like how I did that?

Because once you get
the cameras in here,

I could jab a Kn*fe into my hip,

and I'd cry real tears.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Okay, your turn.

Kiss, marry, k*ll,

Loretta, Patsy, or Dolly?

That's easy.

I'd be so busy kissing Miss Dolly,

there wouldn't be time
to marry or k*ll anybody.

- Darlene Healy?
- Amanda?

- Oh, my God, it's been years.
- Oh, my God!

Dad, this is Amanda.

She worked with me at the ad agency

when I lived in the city.

We were junior copywriters together.

I'd shake your hand, but mine's busy.

So yeah, you must be
a senior copywriter by now.

No, I left the agency.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was it because of that guy Kevin?
He was a real weirdo.

I'm actually married to him now.

Oh. Congratulations.

Yeah, he was great.

So what are you up to now?

Well, I just finished my fourth novel.

Hey, I just finished my second!

They're kind of hard
to get through sometimes,

aren't they?

Took me two years.

No, I wrote my fourth novel.

Wow. So you're self-publishing?

I know it's so tough
to get a book sold these days,

but good for you for making
your own dreams come true.

It's Simon and Schuster.

That's a cool title.

What is it, like a buddy cop thing?

Simon won't play by the rules,
and Schuster's

too old for this crap.

Simon and Schuster are publishers, Dad.

Well, unless one of them's a superhero,

good luck selling that as a movie.

So how are you doing?

We were all shocked
when the company fired you.

Yeah, fired is a strong word.

I'd like to think of it as my choice.

They stopped paying me,
so I stopped going in.

Well, come on. Tell me.

I know you landed on your feet.

More like on my butt. Yeah.

I moved back home, you know,
kind of hit bottom,

and then it turned out there was

a bottom below that bottom.

And now, I'm a lunch lady
at a school cafeteria.

I hope there isn't another bottom,

but if there is, I'll find it.

Well...

You forgot the part
about running a magazine.

No, I didn't.

- It's really not worth mentioning.
- Sure it is.

That's worth bragging on.

Well, what kind of stuff were you doing?

If I know you, it was
long-form political pieces.

No, scandal rag.

Mug sh*ts and police records
available at all

your finer gas stations
and check cashing joints.

Well, predator alerts
are important, too.

Anyway, keep doing you,

and I'll tell Kevin that you said hello.

I'm so happy that I ran into you.

Really?

Then how come you're kind of
backing up while you say it?

Oh, no, no, I just... I'm in a hurry.

- It's good to meet you.
- Buddy cops. Think about it.

Simon's a loose cannon

and Schuster drinks too much

because he couldn't solve
that one crime.

That didn't upset you, did it?

- Amanda? No.
- Good.

Let me get a dog, and we'll dish.

[bluesy harmonica music]

♪ ♪

He's been in there for 45 minutes.

Should I be worried?

Not if it's spotless.

Chef is a freak about cleanliness.

Louise, is it spotless?

Well, how would I know? I cook.

My man cleans.

[English accent] Oh, she's very kind

to me, me misses is.

- [laughs]
- Becky, is the kitchen clean?

You know, could you eat off the floor?

Well I have, but that's
just because I drop stuff,

and I figure it can't be worse
than eating a donut

while you change a diaper.

Could I see you all
in the kitchen, please?

You, are you family?

[English accent] I've never seen

these people before in me life.

No, I'm just one of those customers

that likes to hang out behind
the counter 'cause I'm rude.

All right, do you want
the good news first

- or the bad news?
- The good news.

There is none.

These are your ingredients.

Your customers deserve better
than canned and frozen.

I've been eating here
since I was in high school,

and they used to make
everything from scratch.

I don't know why they stopped.

If I take time to go to the store

every other day for fresh produce,

then I'll never get to see Neville.

There's a farmer's market
around the corner

open two days a week.

You can go there
and get everything you need.

Oh, you b*at me to the point.

But at least someone here knows that.

I was going to say that, too, Adam.

Remind me to get you out
of my ass before I sit.

Does anyone know what this is?

This is a geological record

of everything you've been serving

for the past five years.

Do you have any pride in this business?

Of course, I do.

I have work my ass off
to make this place a success.

I believe that.

I'm pretty sure I found bits
of your ass in the sink traps.

You know, I used
to think you were funny,

but now, I see you're just a bully.

You think this is easy?

You try running a restaurant.

I have 35 of them.

Well, sounds to me like somebody's

still trying to get it right.

[bluesy harmonica music]

♪ ♪

Oh, hey. I'm glad I ran into you.

I was going to reach out
and see if you wanted

- to have some dinner.
- Pass.

I just came over
to pick up my leftovers.

- See you when I see you.
- Are you okay?

I haven't spoken to you since
we got back from Chicago.

Are you upset because of
that Simon and Schuster lady?

No, I'm not upset because of Amanda.

I'm upset because of you.

Because I ate
the bun off your vegan dog?

I don't always eat like that.

I was just excited to be in the city.

No, the way you felt the need
to talk me up to her.

Of course, I talked you up to her.

Parents don't tell their kids
how proud they are of them.

They tell everybody else.

That's why therapists
have such big houses.

There's more to it than that,
and you know it.

Wait, am I actually getting hammered

for saying something nice about you?

No, you only said those nice things

because you're ashamed of me.

Oh, crap.

Now I got to go outside,
and it's freezing.

There's a bag of salt on the porch.

Why don't you open it and use it?

Then I won't have it for next year.

Why the hell would you think
I'm ashamed of you?

Well, why wouldn't you be?

I mean, come on Dad, admit it.

When Becky quit school,
and ran off and got married,

I know that you and Mom
pinned your hopes on me.

I was gonna go to a four-year college,

and I was gonna be a success,

and I was gonna pull
the family up with me.

Whoa, whoa, we didn't put that on you.

- You put that on yourself.
- Oh, did I?

Because I was totally fine
being completely honest

with Amanda about my failures,

and then you had to jump in
and try to make me

look better because
you're embarrassed of it.

I'm not b*ating myself up

because somebody's better than me.

I jumped in to save you
because I saw you

going three rounds with yourself

in front of Amanda.

You're way better
than you think you are.

I don't know why you can't see that.

Because I'm not better.

Amanda's way better than I am,
and I'm totally fine with that.

The only one that is ashamed
of you is you.

You put everything on hold

to put your son through college.

I wouldn't have this house
if it wasn't for you.

You took your sister
and her filthy urchin kid in

so she could make something of herself.

That's a success to me.

I don't know why it isn't to you.

Well, damn, Dad.

You could have mentioned
all that to Amanda

instead of bringing up
the sleazy mug sh*t mag.

It's the last thing I'm gonna say.

You're 46 years old,
and you think your life's done.

Well, in a couple of short years,

Mark's gonna be out of school.

Then you can ditch the ladle

and get back on track to do
whatever wonderful things

you want to do.

Game's not over.

You know I'm right.

Don't gloat.

You may have believed in me,

but I'm still perfectly capable
of disappointing you

for real. Don't push me.

[bluesy harmonica music]

♪ ♪

All right, the kitchen is spotless.

Well, thank you, but you
did that for you, not for me.

Now, I've narrowed your menu down

to items that reflect the identity

I think you're going for
with this restaurant.

A local joint where a guy
can knock back a few beers,

go home, kick off his shoes,
and ignore the wife?

Please keep your sad dreams
off my TV show.

No, I would call this a place
where you serve

delicious local food and drink
in a comfortable setting

where you can relax and wonder
where it all went wrong.

Wow. This is delicious.

Yes, it is.

Because I dropped your
canned goods at a food bank

with low standards, and this is all

fresh from your local farmer's market,

courtesy of this young lady right here.

How is she not part of the operation?

I think she's still hoping
to make something of her life.

It's delicious. Everything's wonderful.

It's just, uh, too much work.

It's supposed to be a lot of work.

And, yes, that's what
it tastes like when you care.

Care? I just want to have a life.

When you own a restaurant,
that becomes your life.

Yeah, sure, if you've already
had a life to begin with.

I used mine trying to prove to my mother

that I could be successful at something.

So I went down a lot of different roads,

and I wound up driving a big rig,

and that led to pills,
and then an incident

on I-55 where I was running around

gathering up chickens, and...

yeah...

And then I thought, "Well, maybe

"if I could make this place a success,

that would really do it."

But when I found Neville,
I just realized

that I didn't need approval.
I needed love.

And now, I never want us to be apart.

That is so beautiful, Jackie.

You're going to edit that way
down for the actual show, huh?

Look, you know that you have
a choice to make here...

this restaurant, or this Neville woman.

Neville's my brother,
but he is very soft.

Look, I was willing to pay any price

for a successful restaurant.

Two wives divorced me,
and I just bought a truck

for my son who I've never met.

I don't feel that kind
of passionate obsession

coming off of you.

I mean, there's some desperation,

a whiff of crazy, but no passion.

You're right because
I don't want to do it anymore.

Don't look at me.

I've got school and a kid
living a hard knock life.

I wasn't.

I was looking at her.

- The one who's clearly adopted.
- Me?

Yeah.

You said you've been
around here since high school.

You've got great ideas,

and you clearly have nothing
else going on in your life,

because you've been sketching
that ketchup bottle all day.

Oh, I guess I knew some day

I'd have to turn it over to somebody.

But I'm really loving
the idea of giving it

to one of the women in the family.

Harris, what do you think?

I can't see
the tattoo thing turning into

a long-term career, so yeah.

I can try it.

Plus, it'd be fun to boss
these b*tches around.

- Hey!
- Settle down, sketchy.

Harris, this could be a real
turning point in your life.

This restaurant has been
nothing but an albatross

around the neck of every Conner
who's ever worked here,

but maybe you can do what nobody else

in the family could...

break even, and sell it
to some unsuspecting rube.

Chestnut.

[bluesy rock music]

Come on, Schuster. We screwed up.

We should have handled
this case by the book!

By the book?

What are you, Simon,
a librarian or a cop?

[dramatic music plays]

You getting all that down, Darlene?

Yeah, and I have a couple of questions.

First of all, why do they keep calling

each other by their names?

They've been partners for 30 years.

And by my count,
Schuster has sh*t 43 people

in a half an hour.

It's a bad town full of bad people.

I think we have to drop
this case, Schuster.

It's too dirty.
It goes all the way to the top.

Oh sure, Simon.

You could drop it, but then you'll

have to tell little Jenny there'll be

no justice for her mom,
or her dad, or her sister,

or her uncle!

Because there's no evidence of a crime.

Oh, there's evidence of a crime.

It's right here.
And it stinks, I tell you.

It stinks!

[child giggles]