Taylor Tomlinson: Have It All (2024)

[bunniefuu]

[crowd cheering]

["Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches playing]

[rowdy electroclash rock music playing]

[emcee] Ladies and gentlemen,

Taylor Tomlinson!

The boys wanna be her

The girls wanna be her

The boys wanna be her

The girls wanna be her

The boys wanna be her

The girls wanna be her

DC, how we doing?

[cheering in response]

- How stupid was that?

- [audience laughing]

I came up from the floor

like I'm a f*cking Jonas brother.

I know that was silly, and it was my idea!

I was so embarrassed

that I thought of that,

but it was too late

when we got here to change it

because men with jobs had built it.

And were operating it very well,

I might add.

And I was like,

"We can probably just scrap it, right?"

They're like, "Well,

this is like a week of our lives, so..."

I know that that was dumb.

Thank you for indulging me. [chuckles]

How we doing, DC?

Thank you so much for coming.

[audience cheering]

I have to be honest,

my career is going very well right now.

I...

[audience cheering]

This is the last night

of the biggest tour I've ever done.

I am filming

my third Netflix special tonight.

And recently, someone was using

my name and photos on a dating app.

[audience wooing in response]

It was me. I was doing it.

Went through a breakup,

got on a dating app.

Why? Because my married friends

told me to.

If you're single, your married friends

don't want you to be happy.

They don't. They want you on those apps

because the apps look fun

and they can't go on 'em.

So they want to stand behind you

like a kid at an arcade

with no f*cking quarters,

while you fight for your life out there.

They're like, "Go left, go right!"

You're like, "Do you wanna play?"

They're like, "More than anything."

"But I have the high score,

so it wouldn't be fair."

Your married friends

don't want more married friends.

Nobody wants more married friends.

Sorry if you're married. I know

you're up front. Two-income household.

Nobody wants more married friends, okay?

'Cause your life updates are boring.

I'm happy you're settled. Good for you.

Know who has fun life updates?

Your single friends.

We're out there, making mistakes.

Named Trevor, usually.

Have you asked married friends

what they did over the weekend?

"What'd you guys do?"

"I don't know. Just woke up

next to my soulmate... again." [giggles]

Ask your single friend,

"What did you do this weekend?"

They're like,

"I woke up in a shallow grave!"

"Why are you proud of that?

Did you have sex in a grave?"

They're like,

"Why do you think we dug the grave?"

Do you have that one single friend

who thinks she's hot and fun,

but she's actually

just in constant danger all the time?

Every time she tells you a dating story,

you're like, "Oh my God, okay."

"No, we're not judging,

but maybe just share

your location with us indefinitely."

I have one friend like that.

Every week she tells me

the scariest stories I've ever heard.

"I had the hottest date Friday."

"I'm making out

with this guy at a bar. So sexy."

"He's like, 'Let me show you something.'

Pulls me into the back alley."

"Pulls out his huge... g*n."

"Points it at my face.

'Gimme your phone, keys, and wallet.'"

"'Okay, kinky.

I'll try anything once.' Right?"

"He hits me in the head.

I wake up 30 minutes later in a puddle."

"I hitchhike home."

"Oh my God, I am such a Samantha."

[audience laughs]

We're like,

"We think you got mugged, babe."

She's like, "Mugged? You're such a prude."

"He's gonna call me."

"He has my phone."

"You'll meet him. He took my breath away."

We're like,

"No, he knocked the wind out of you."

Your friends say the dumbest sh*t

when you go through a breakup.

Trying to be helpful.

Like, "Well,

why don't you just date yourself?"

"'Cause you told me not to settle.

What the f*ck?"

"I can do better than me!"

"Why can't you just be single for a year?"

"Why can't you walk without headphones?"

"'Cause you'll think about death

the whole time. Exactly."

[audience laughs]

This last breakup was different.

This was the first breakup

I'd gone through since I got on Netflix.

And before I was on Netflix,

my friends were very supportive.

Like, "We're so sorry. It'll get better."

Then I got on Netflix

and went through a breakup,

and all my friends were like, "Well..."

[audience chuckling]

"I mean, you have your dream job, so..."

My friends looked me

in my sad face and went,

"You can't have it all, bitch."

All of them!

And I was so offended.

I thought about it,

and I was like, "Know what?"

"I don't want anybody to have it all."

None of us do.

It's why they keep putting out

Marilyn Monroe documentaries.

They're like, "She was pretty sad."

And we're like, "Yeah, she f*cking was."

Nobody wants anybody to have it all.

If someone has their soulmate,

you don't want them

to have their dream job too.

If someone has their dream job,

they don't get to be in love on top.

If someone has their dream job

and their soulmate,

bare minimum,

their parents better be divorced.

I'd prefer they were an orphan.

[audience laughs]

Nobody wants anybody to have it all.

When I was a kid,

I didn't think you could.

I thought you either got to be hot

or have a good personality.

I thought that's how we're divided.

I thought life was fair.

That got me through

a lot of ugly years as a child.

"It's okay that I'm not more symmetrical."

"I have this great personality

that will surely reveal itself

any day now."

"It's coming with my period

and my Hogwarts letter. I can feel it."

That got me to sixth grade,

when I met my friend Krista,

and she was pretty,

funny, smart, and nice.

And that's when

I stopped believing in God.

[audience laughs]

But so many friends said a version

of this to me after my last breakup

that I started to feel really guilty.

Because you know what, DC?

This is my dream job.

I can't believe I'm filming

my third Netflix special tonight.

I cannot believe it.

[audience cheering]

I have been

so insanely lucky in my career.

And the more I thought about that,

I was like, "Nobody has every single thing

going for them as a person."

"You have been so blessed."

"Be grateful for what you have.

Focus on that."

"Nobody gets to have it all."

And then I saw Hugh Jackman in person.

[audience laughs]

I was like, "I guess you can have it all."

"But there's none left

because 'God' gave it all to Hugh."

Hugh Jackman is

a perfect specimen of a human man.

Seeing him in person

was a religious experience.

It changed me.

It was like seeing the Grand Canyon.

Everyone should do it before they die.

He is a wonder of the world, that man.

It was like seeing Niagara Falls.

You can bring the whole family.

You get a little wet, but it's fun.

It was...

[laughter, applause]

Here's what happened.

About a year and a half ago,

we were in New York, doing shows on tour.

We had an off night

in between theater shows.

So me, my buddy Dustin,

and his wife, Melissa,

and a few friends, who were also happy,

went to go see The Music Man

on Broadway, starring Hugh Jackman.

Was it a good show? I don't know.

But Hugh Jackman was there the whole time.

They should've called the show,

"We got Hugh Jackman in a room.

Who wants to see him?"

The show was great.

At the end, they're doing curtain calls.

The actors are taking their bows.

One of the actors steps forward and goes,

"You've come on a special week,"

"Tonight we're raising money

for an amazing charity

called Broadway Cares."

"Tonight Hugh is gonna sign

the pair of gloves he wore in the show."

"We're gonna auction them

to the highest bidder."

And I looked at my friends,

and I was like, "I mean..."

"I have money."

They were like, "This is what

you're gonna spend the Netflix money on?"

And I was like,

"Well, I don't have a family."

[audience laughs]

"There's no one else here,

and I've already had braces."

"If I can't have it all,

I'm gonna have those gloves."

Also, I thought

it'd be hilarious as a bit.

Because everybody asks you

when you get on television,

"What'd you spend that money on?

A new jacket? A new car?"

And I'm like, "How funny would it be

if my first big TV purchase

was a pair of sweaty gloves

worn by Wolverine," right? [chuckles]

It's like, what am I, a man? So dumb.

I start competing in the auction,

and I'm doing pretty well.

'Cause I got nothing to lose

and no one to live for.

I'm doing so well,

it gets down to me and two other bidders.

It gets down to me,

an older woman towards the front,

and I kid you not,

Jake from State Farm.

That is 100% true,

that detail, and I hesitate to include it

because it makes the story sound

like a dream I had once.

"So in the dream,

I'm trying to get Hugh's gloves."

"Jake from State Farm

thinks he's gonna get 'em."

"Fat chance, commercial boy.

Those are mine."

"Then Flo from Progressive

rides in on a horse for some reason."

"Whoops, who's that?"

"Tony the Tiger pops a wheelie

on his motorbike."

"All-cash offer."

"You can't b*at Tony. That's old money."

So it is now me, this woman, and Jake.

I think what happened next

was Jake could tell

that me and this woman

needed the win more than he did.

So like a good neighbor,

State Farm backs out.

Yep.

It is now me and this woman.

We are ping-ponging, back and forth.

I think I blacked out

because when I came to,

we were at a number

that I've not agreed to pay since college.

So exactly like college, I'm like,

"This is crazy. I'm not gonna finish."

[audience laughing]

As they're about to say,

"Once, twice, sold to the woman in front,"

Hugh Jackman

steps forward, stops the auctioneer,

and goes, "Before we end the auction,

I just have to say,

I am so moved

by the generosity of tonight's audience."

"You know,

I have two gloves."

"If I were to sign both of them,

would these two ladies

match each other's bid?"

And he looked right at me.

Now, I've never paid for sex...

[audience laughing]

...but I did drop seven grand

on eye contact with Hugh Jackman.

[audience laughing, clapping]

[cheering subsides]

Thank you for clapping.

That joke was expensive.

[audience laughs]

They're like, "It's a tax write-off."

I'm like, "Don't worry.

I will make sure that it is."

I wish I could tell you

I was like, "It's for charity."

But the truth is,

I completely forgot till the end.

Even then, I was barely listening.

I was busy talking to the glove.

Like, "Hugh's fingers were inside you.

What was that like?"

"He's surprisingly gentle."

"I knew it."

I love that story 'cause I can always tell

who grew up in church

based on who starts laughing at

"You know, I have two."

You're like, "Oh, I read the Bible."

"I know

when they're about to cut a baby in half."

I don't think

the dating app thing is for me.

Don't think I can do it.

- Is anyone in here on dating apps?

- [light applause, whooping]

Okay, has anyone in here

never been on a dating app?

[louder whooping]

I don't care for that.

Wish I hadn't asked.

The smugness of those whoos.

I hated every second of that.

If you've never been,

let me tell you what it's like.

Every dating app profile,

you get six photos

of what look like

six different human beings.

Then you go and sit

in a coffee shop and wait for him.

Like, "Come on, picture number three.

Come on, picture number three."

And then he gets there,

and you're like, "Goddammit, it's four."

You can't leave.

You gotta sit there

for 45 minutes, nodding and smiling,

knowing you're gonna ghost him later.

You feel creepy. You feel like

Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense.

Just like,

"Oh, he doesn't know he's dead yet."

[audience laughing]

Dating is so awkward,

especially dating apps.

A dating app date is not a blind date,

but it is a nearsighted one, you know?

The first date's easy.

You get dinner, drinks. That's basic.

But then they're like, "This was fun.

We should hang again. What should we do?"

You're like, "Well, sh*t. I'm not a person

with hobbies or interests."

"I'm basically just a stack

of frightened possums in a trench coat,

doing an impression of someone

I saw on the street eight years ago."

So then you gotta go home

and get online like a loser.

"Date Ideas, 2023."

We could bowl.

Ever drive past a bowling alley?

"How do these stay open?"

Second dates, that's how.

We could bowl or mini golf.

Is laser tag a real thing?

You're just doing sh*t

church youth groups do

when they're trying

not to touch each other.

Just, "Lace up those bowling shoes,

my man."

"You're either gonna commit

to me or Christ tonight."

"Can't finger these holes.

You can finger those."

"Pick your ball. Pick your ball."

I'm an introvert,

and I think that's why dating's harder.

Extroverts are better.

You like getting to know people.

You're into it for some reason.

That's why you're better at casual sex.

When you think about it,

a one-night stand is meeting someone

as hard as you possibly can.

I've never been able

to have casual sex as an introvert.

I can't relate to my male comic friends

in green rooms

when they're talking shop about road sex.

"Yeah, I had sex with this girl

and then lost interest after I came."

I'm like, "Totally. That's how I feel

after I poop in a Barnes & Noble."

Right? 'Cause it's like,

"I got what I came for. We can go."

Those are my most fun friends to talk to.

My friends who have casual sex regularly,

I always want to hear their updates.

I have a friend on Tinder.

I call her every Monday.

"How was your weekend?"

She goes, "Great.

Remember that guy I told you about?"

"He is so good at dirty talk, Taylor."

I'm like, "What's good dirty talk,

in your opinion?"

She goes, "I really like being called

a slut and a whore."

I'm like, "Oh my God."

"If you like being called a slut

and a whore in bed,

your parents loved you so much."

Dirty talk is hot because it's sh*t

you've never heard before. Ooh!

If someone called me a whore

in bed, I'd be like,

"Excuse me?"

"That's what my father calls me."

"That is a family name. Boundaries, sir."

"Look around."

"Is this sex or Thanksgiving?"

Read the room.

I wanna hear sh*t in bed I've never heard.

I wanna hear like,

"Hey. I set up a college fund for you."

[audience laughing]

"I think your arms look too thin."

"I really enjoyed your Netflix special."

I have some daddy issues.

I'm working on 'em. In therapy.

Not in my relationships, not anymore.

I used to put my dad and ex-boyfriends

in the same group text

and write in all-caps,

"I don't feel pretty today.

Whose fault do we think that is?"

[audience member] Yeah!

"Discuss."

[audience laughs]

That worked better than it usually does.

I'm worried about you guys.

[audience laughs]

That one's usually for me.

Are we all right?

I really like you guys.

You guys are great.

[audience laughing, cheering]

Another friend is such an extrovert,

she's gonna have a threesome with a guy.

I was like, "Really?"

She goes, "Yeah. Would you?"

I was like, "God, no."

I don't even want to hang out

with two other people.

I've never been in the middle seat

on a flight, fighting for an armrest,

like, "Wish we were all naked.

That would be cool."

[audience laughing]

I don't think

I could date an extrovert again.

I dated an extrovert once.

We moved in together.

The first week, he's like,

"Hey, what if we had some people over?"

I was like, "Look, if you don't wanna

be with me, just say so."

"You want to have people over? Over what?"

"My dead body?"

If you're an extrovert

in love with an introvert,

you gotta understand,

asking us to invite people over

is like asking us to do a**l.

Watch our face change.

Like, "I'm sorry."

"Is it your birthday?"

Seems like a big ask for a random Tuesday.

I live alone now. It's incredible.

I fall asleep in the middle of the bed

like a boy king. "Good night, Joffrey."

It's fantastic.

I eat all the food I buy.

Every grocery goes in me or it goes bad.

That's power, DC. Yeah.

If I clog the toilet at home,

I don't have to deal with it right away.

That's freedom, DC.

When I lived

with a man I was attracted to,

I was like, "Please, toilet.

Don't tell him I'm a human woman."

"I beg of you, take my dark secrets

to your watery grave."

"Remember our bargain!"

Now I'm like, "You loser toilet,

that's what lids are for!"

"You wanna see the sky? Do your job."

[audience laughing]

I was so afraid of being single

all throughout my twenties.

I was terrified of being single.

I used to jump

from relationship to relationship.

'Cause I was so scared

that I was gonna die alone.

Now that I'm older,

I'm like, "I'm not gonna die alone."

I don't go hiking by myself, all right?

Someone will be there when I die.

A doctor, a m*rder*r,

someone will bear witness.

I've been single for the last year now,

and it has been

the most relaxing year of my entire life.

- [audience cheers]

- It has been lovely.

Waking up every day going,

"Oh, no one's gonna

make me cry today but me."

The peace, it's lovely.

Here's the thing.

Being single is not what sucks.

Dating is what sucks,

and you can opt out of that.

Dating is what's shitty.

The constant push and pull

of hope and disappointment.

Dating feels like

being a stuffed animal in a claw machine.

Like, "Oh my God!

It's happening! No, it's not."

"Oh my God, here we go."

"Can't believe I told people!

That's embarrassing."

[Tomlinson tutting]

"You're moving me over

to get to something else.

"I understand. I get that."

Things change so quickly

as you're getting older.

I had a friend. I didn't talk to her

for a couple weeks. I called to catch up.

She goes, "You'll never guess.

I think I met my soulmate on Bumble."

Gone, just like that.

They're getting married this spring.

We were lying in the same pile

of stuffed animals for years.

I closed my eyes, and when I open 'em,

she was outside the glass going,

"It'll happen for you too!"

[audience laughing]

[Tomlinson exhales]

I love being

the neutral friend who's not dating

because as you get closer to 30,

breakups get more and more devastating.

Half my friends are engaged,

half are going through the worst breakup

with the person they were gonna die with.

Which means half the calls I get are,

"I'm getting married,"

and the other half are, "I'm getting old!"

And I'm like, "I am getting Taco Bell.

Who wants something?"

Taco Bell, good for every occasion.

Nothing'll make you

more grateful to be single

than watching your friend

go through a devastating breakup.

That's messed up to say,

but it's the truth.

A friend who went through a breakup

still follows her ex on social media.

They're trying to be mature and evolved.

Rookie mistake.

Her ex just posted

a photo of him and his new girlfriend,

who is a model.

[audience winces]

Don't worry. We all called her.

We're like, "Hey, how's it going?

Have you been online today?"

"Because we were thinking

of maybe doing a no-screens day."

"We were thinking maybe we just

power down, get a quilt, find a field."

"Maybe cr*ck the Bible open one more time.

I don't know."

She's like, "I already saw it."

We're like, "Oh, we're too late.

Okay. Um, are you okay?"

She's like, "No, honestly, I wish

he was just dating a man instead."

We're like,

"Oh, you are so problematic, Trish."

"Why would that be better for you

if he was dating a man instead?"

She goes, "No, listen."

"'Cause if he dumped me

for a man, it would be like,

'Well, okay, then he just wanted something

that I could never be.'"

We were like, "Well, yeah.

I mean, that's kinda... well... Right?"

"No, no, no! No! No. No."

"No, you're so pretty, babe."

"But like a model?

That's kind of like a different..."

"Look around. Don't you think

if you were a model, we'd all be models?"

"Like, this isn't model squad.

This is personality squad."

"Like, this is a different... team

you're on."

We have another friend

who got cheated on, which is crazy.

You can't cheat anymore.

It's not the '90s, you idiot!

Your phone is tracking

your every movement.

You're going to get caught.

You're gonna buy your side chick flowers.

Your wife's gonna get

a text from Bank of America.

Like, "We noticed

that Steve was being thoughtful?"

[audience laughs]

"That just seemed

like suspicious activity...

over here at BoA,

'cause we know that POS."

[audience laughs]

It's important to hang out with

married friends if you are the single one.

You play an important role in their lives.

I love to third-wheel my married friends,

go to dinner, see a movie.

'Cause I love when they walk up

to meet me in front of the restaurant,

and I can tell

that they've been fighting in the car.

[audience laughs]

Married people think you hide it so well.

You're just like, "Let's just table it

till later and have a nice evening."

Then you come in real sweaty.

[in stilted tone] "Hey. Good to see you.

Glad we're finally doing this."

"Did they bring bread?

The bread should've b*at us here."

"Hey, can we get some bread, please?"

"Can we get something to do with our hands

other than att*ck each other, please?"

"How are you? Tell us about you."

"Don't make me look at her.

Don't make me look at her."

That's when you, as a single friend,

tell your married friends about dating.

You get to tell them about the ghosting,

the catfishing, and the deepfake AI p*rn.

And you know, they get back

in the car a few hours later like...

[shaky, relieved sigh]

"I don't say this enough,

but I'm grateful for you."

[audience laughing]

Hang out with your married friends,

go to their barbeque.

"I'd love to come. What can I bring?"

"Ice? Dessert? Perspective?"

Want to know the best part

about being single?

The best part, hands down,

is that you do not

have to introduce anybody to your parents.

Have you guys introduced

people to your parents?

It's not about introducing people

you love to one another.

Is it? No!

It's about showing your partner

why you're mean to them sometimes.

[audience laughing]

It's about taking your sexual partner

back to the scene of the crime.

To say, "See? The stories are true."

You don't want your partner

to like your parents.

You want them to walk out of that night

going, "Oh my God."

"Your parents are just..."

"I know. I know."

"Seriously, babe. How did you ever...?"

"I don't know. I don't know."

"Kinda seems like people

should cut me some slack

when I'm being a bitch, though, huh?"

[audience laughing, whooping]

"Kinda seems like maybe

now that we have all the information,

turns out I could be

a lot crazier if I wanted."

"But I keep a lid on it pretty good, and..."

"I deserve to stop

at Target on the way home."

"With no time limit."

"And I want a cart."

"Not a basket."

Be careful when you introduce people

to your parents.

Your parents don't always show up

as your parents, do they?

Mine never did. My parents undermined me

every time I brought someone to meet them.

I did everything right.

I did the huddle in the car before.

"Hey, remember, those people in there,

they're not your friends."

"Whatever they say, do not take

that personally. It's not you. It's them."

"You want to write that on your hand?"

"You can look at my tattoo

if you get scared. Let's do it."

Then you go inside,

prepared for your parents

to show their true colors,

and your parents float downstairs.

And they're just amazing all night.

They're fun, cool, laid-back.

Your dad's in an open Hawaiian shirt.

Just a one-man conga line,

topping off drinks.

Saying all kinds of progressive sh*t

you've never heard him say.

"You want another beer?

We should golf sometime."

"What are your pronouns again?"

[mouthing] What the f*ck?

And you gotta get back in the car later,

muttering like a conspiracy theorist.

"That was not... and I was there, and I know

what happened, and it was right there."

"No one can tell me what didn't happen,

and I know about everything."

[Tomlinson muttering]

Your boyfriend buckles up, like,

"I don't know, babe.

Your parents are awesome."

And you're like, "Ugh."

"No, they are not."

"I don't know

who those lizard people were,

but they are not the ones who broke me."

The next time you see your parents,

they're all smug, like,

"Jason seemed to like us."

You're like, "I know what you're doing."

"Maybe your therapist wants to meet us.

Get our side of the story."

"I cannot wait till you're in the ground."

"All right, well,

we'd like to be cremated."

"I will scatter your ashes

where God can't find them!"

[audience laughing]

"I will see you both at Easter."

Therapy gets better when you're single too

'cause you have time

to dig into things like that.

When you're in a relationship,

you waste half of every session

going over all the sh*t

your partner won't go to therapy for.

When you're single,

that's an hour of you every week.

It's almost too much time.

You gotta start doing your homework.

After my last breakup,

I was coming into therapy hot

every week with ideas.

"You know what I realized this week?

The elementary school I went to?"

"Across the street from a cemetery."

And she's like, "Okay. And...?"

I'm like, "I don't know, but that seems

like something, doesn't it?"

"I bring the ingredients.

You bake the cake. I'm not a doctor."

"I went down deep inside me,

found something scary,

brought it back up to you."

"I was so brave. Where's my treat?"

[audience laughing]

"So brave, favorite client!"

I want to find out

if I'm my therapist's favorite client.

You can't ask.

They won't tell. I've tried.

The only way

I can think to figure this out

is to get in touch

with another one of her clients.

And then me

and that client plan to call her,

over the weekend.

Separately.

At the exact same time...

suicidal.

[audience laughs, winces]

And then we just see whose call she takes.

We both wanna end it.

Who you want to keep here, Dr. S?

And then whoever wins,

we go to the next set of clients.

And we just kind of do brackets.

Sort of like a March Sadness situation.

[audience laughing]

I've been working on anxiety.

That's been my focus for years.

Anybody have anxiety?

[audience cheers]

Anybody struggle with panic att*cks?

[audience cheers]

Has anyone ever gone to the emergency room

for anxiety or panic att*cks?

A few of us!

What did we think was happening?

Heart att*ck?

Yeah. You get there, and they're like,

"It's actually your mind attacking you."

I'll make you feel better.

I went to the ER once

because I fell asleep in AirPods.

Woke up, couldn't find one.

Thought I swallowed it.

[audience laughing]

"You meant you drove halfway there

and turned around 'cause it was silly?"

Nope. Went the whole way. Got seen.

I wish I could pretend this story

happened a really long time ago,

but the technology involved

makes that impossible.

I've always had

a lot of trouble sleeping my entire life.

And before AirPods came out,

I would fall asleep in regular headphones,

listening to a podcast or a movie,

something to calm me down.

Before AirPods came out,

headphones had cords on them.

So if you swallowed one,

you'd pull it out like a magician scarf.

They came out with AirPods.

I started falling asleep in those.

So a few years ago,

doesn't matter how many,

I fell asleep in two AirPods,

woke up in one AirPod,

and was like,

"Well, obviously, I swallowed it."

Like a baby or a dog.

Convinced my sister

to take me to the emergency room,

ruining Christmas morning for everyone.

[audience laughing]

We get to the emergency room

in our hometown,

where I have to tell three grown women

at the front desk what I'm doing there.

I'm like,

"You probably get this all the time."

"But it would seem

that I may have

inadvertently

in my sleepy-sleeps

swallowed

an AirPod?"

And they were like...

[stifling laughter]

"An AirPod?

Sweetie, those are pretty big."

"Those are big."

"You think you could have swallowed..."

I said, "How about we don't have

a team discussion

about what I can and can't swallow, okay?"

[audience laughing]

They're like, "Someone was ugly

in middle school. We'll take you back."

So, they take me back.

We're waiting for a doctor.

I don't know what I thought

a doctor was gonna do

if I had, in fact, swallowed an AirPod.

They're not gonna perform surgery.

They're gonna go, "Yeah, it's in there."

"Well, stop at Taco Bell

on the way home. Good luck."

Taco Bell, good for every occasion.

I don't know what I thought the AirPod

was gonna do to me damage-wise.

I'm like, what if it's still charged?

What if it electrocutes my intestines?

Or starts playing Glee covers

and everyone can hear?

My sister's like, "You deleted them all."

"Not all of them.

Some of them are bangers!"

Before a doctor can come in to see us,

my other sister calls us

from home and goes,

"Hey, yeah.

We found it in the pillowcase."

"Does crazy want to come home

and have pancakes now?"

I'm so embarrassed.

I want to sneak out the back

as quickly as possible.

I'm like, "Let's just go."

My sister's like, "They're gonna think

something bad happened."

I was like, "Something bad did. Let's go!"

She's like, "That's an emergency exit."

I'm like, "It's an emergency room.

It's a regular exit. Let's leave!"

Here's my problem with the emergency room.

When you are having an anxiety

or panic att*ck, it is your only option.

Which is why I think they need

a second option next door

called "the Anxiety Room."

All right?

So you have the ER and the AR.

The ER is where you go when you've been

sh*t, stabbed. You're actively bleeding.

You fill out all that paperwork

'cause that seems like the time to do it.

And then the AR

is where you go when you're like,

"I don't know where the bad is,

but it's in me somewhere."

"It's either cancer or the devil,

but I have to get it out."

And that is just

one fill-in-the-blank form that says,

"I know that it is probably fine, but..."

[audience laughing]

"My bones feel itchy. I don't know!"

"I just need someone in a white coat

to tell me I'm stupid."

I know I mentioned during that joke

I have trouble sleeping.

Please, for the love of God,

do not DM me articles after this show.

I know you mean well, but I promise you

I've read every sleep article out there.

"Three ways how to sleep better!"

It is the same recycled tips

over and over and over.

"Get a light lavender mist to spray

on the cold side of your pillow

at twilight."

What am I, a witch?

"Make sure it's really dark

and quiet in your room at night."

"Oh my God, it's supposed to be dark?

I'm such a dumb bitch."

"I've been sleeping under a disco ball.

Because vibes."

"I didn't know!"

"Okay. Dark, quiet, check. Fixed!"

"Why not leave your cell phone

in a different room at night?"

"Why don't you put your baby outside?"

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

This is not to say that

I'm against sleep advice. I'm just jaded.

I think I feel about sleep tips

the way a lot of men feel about p*rn.

Where I'm like,

"No, I've seen all the basic stuff."

"Send me something weird."

I'm gonna ask this question.

Let me preface this.

It's okay if nobody has an answer.

I ask every audience every night.

It's nothing weird.

If you think that you have

a weird sleep tip I've never heard of...

I've read every article, listened

to every podcast, seen a lot of TikToks.

I ask this question to every audience,

every night of this tour.

If you think you have a weird sleep tip

that I have never ever heard of,

raise your hand and tell me what that is.

That being said, if anybody goes,

"Have you tried the Calm meditation app?"

I will have you removed.

[audience laughing]

It's okay if no one has one.

Does anyone have one?

We got a confident one right here.

What have you got?

- [audience member 1] Masturbate.

- Masturbate?

Bitch, please.

You think I haven't tried masturbating?

I don't go to sleep.

I come to sleep. Next.

[audience laughing, cheering]

All right.

What else we got? Thanks for playing.

What have you got?

- [no audible reply]

- There's two things?

And I do them in order? Okay.

[audience member 2]

You have to do a handstand.

I have to do a handstand against the wall?

Okay. Yoga, no.

This sounds like I need

to be hotter for this. I can't.

Well, all right.

I just want to hear the end.

- So you do a handstand against the wall.

- Just a couple seconds.

Just for a couple seconds.

Just easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl.

This is how hot people talk.

They're like, "Just do a handstand

for 10 seconds. It's no big deal."

You're like, "Some of us are top-heavy."

All right, anyway. Sorry, go ahead.

- You need to be upside down.

- And then you sleep upside down.

I haven't heard the handstand part,

but I have heard sleep upside down.

'Cause it changes the bed, yeah.

It confuses your body.

Yeah, confuse yourself to sleep. Okay.

That's one. I've half-heard that one.

Okay, so we'll half give it to you.

Anybody else think

they have a weird one? Really weird.

It's okay if nobody does.

- I'm just curious. Who said "Whoo"?

- [audience member 3] Whoo!

- All right, what do you got?

- Listen to him talk.

- Listen to who?

- This guy.

Listen to the guy you're with talk?

Are you trying to get left?

Or are you trying

to offload your partner right now?

You're like, "This one's available."

"He just talks and talks.

You fall asleep eventually."

"This dude right here."

Wow, okay. That was fun.

We all stepped in a divorce.

Wasn't that a good time?

That's the first time

that's happened when I ask that.

Every night, never one of those.

"Take this boring piece of sh*t home."

[audience laughing]

All right. Last one. What you got?

[audience member 4] Listen to someone's

random phone calls in the other room.

I listen to my mom

have a conversation with my grandma...

You eavesdrop on somebody's...

phone conversation from the other room?

You listen to your mom

talk to your grandma?

Did you miss the whole part

where I said I am alone?

[audience laughs]

At least the last girl offered me someone.

"Have you tried falling asleep

to the sound of people who love you

in the other room?"

I would that I could!

Okay, well, those hurt my feelings.

I'm gonna tell you

the best one I've heard on this tour.

It was a few months ago.

A woman in the front row.

"I have a weird sleep tip."

I said, "What you got?"

She goes, "When I can't sleep,

I lay on the floor

in the kitchen for 10 minutes."

And I was like,

"Okay. And then what happens?"

She goes, "Then I get back in bed.

I go to sleep."

This poor girl abusive-parents herself.

She's like, "Aw, you can't sleep?"

"You know some kids

don't have beds, right?"

"Go lay face down

on the cold tile for 10 minutes."

"See if you're not

more grateful after that."

And you know what?

I tried it, and it works.

It totally works.

[audience laughing]

I do it on the bathroom floor

in hotel rooms.

I've had COVID many times, but...

I want to get a handle on my anxiety.

'Cause if I didn't have anxiety,

I'd be totally different.

The worrying alone takes up so much

mental and emotional energy every day.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't prepare you

for anything bad happening.

I told my therapist recently,

"I know worrying doesn't do any good."

"What's that quote by that philosopher?

'When you worry, you just suffer twice.'"

She goes, "Who said it?"

I looked it up.

It's from a f*cking Harry Potter prequel.

[audience laughing]

I was so confident,

I Googled it in front of her.

She's like, "What philosopher said that?"

I'm like, "Newt Scamander. sh*t."

"Think it was a fortune cookie.

Can we move on?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore."

Without anxiety,

I'd have a totally different personality

because so many decisions

I make in life are fear-based,

or so many decisions

I don't make are fear-based.

I watch the same shows and movies

over and over because it calms me down.

I know what to expect.

I date the same type of person over

and over 'cause I know what to expect.

If you think you have a "type," you don't.

You have anxiety. See someone.

I have three younger siblings.

They're all Gen Z, they're all q*eer,

they're all in serious relationships,

and they're all so disappointed in me

every time I start dating

another straight white guy.

They're like, "Come on, Taylor.

f*ck the patriarchy."

I'm like, "You guys,

I'm literally f*cking the patriarchy."

Do you know how hard it is

to continue dating straight men

when you're surrounded

by three q*eer relationships up close?

q*eer relationships are the most

beautiful, thoughtful, creative things

I've ever seen in my life.

My sister and her partner

are in a romance novel.

Every time I talk to them, I'm like,

"I know you had a hard week. You okay?"

She's like, "Yeah. I did."

"To cheer me up, my partner got me

my favorite snack

in a limited edition flavor,

they got me sand from the beach

we went to on our first date,

and you know how I always wanted

an Easy-Bake Oven and never got it?"

"They found one on eBay."

[audience laughs]

I'm like, "Oh my God,

are they cheating on you?"

She's like, "What? No! They listen to me

and remember things I say."

I'm like, "What?

No, go through their phone."

"This sh*t stinks.

Go through their phone. Trust me."

She's like, "Okay. How are you

and your boyfriend doing, Taylor?"

I'm like, "Oh, we're good."

"My boyfriend bought me a hot dog

because he wanted one

and I was there too."

"It was so romantic."

"He was like,

'What? Sorry. Two, I guess.'"

I don't mean to sh*t on straight guys.

I've dated a lot of you.

But you are so proud of yourselves

for almost nothing in a relationship.

It is impressive to watch.

A straight man will put a candle

in his bathroom and be like,

"I've changed my whole life for you!"

Then you're like,

"You didn't even light it, man."

"It kind of smells like lavender

if you get down real close."

"I'd trade this candle for a slice

of empathy, if I'm being honest."

Have you tried to explain the concept

of empathy to a tall, handsome white guy?

That is a delicate conversation.

You're like, "Okay.

Imagine that you're me."

"But I'm not."

Okay.

"Hard to argue. Touch."

"Imagine that you feel how I feel."

"But I don't."

"Okay."

"Imagine that you could feel how I feel."

"I never will."

"Okay. Imagine you're

a basketball player."

"Okay."

[audience laughs]

"What else? I like this game."

"Fine, in this analogy,

you're a basketball player."

"And you're a really great teammate."

"You love your team.

You do everything for your team."

"Your team is not noticing."

"Your team is not appreciating you

for all you do,

for the MVP that you are."

"And this week, your team

forgot your birthday."

"Now, how does that make you feel?"

"That sucks!"

"Yes!"

Trying to get a hot guy to empathize

is like trying to get a woman to come.

"Nobody move!"

"We're so close. It's a car alarm."

"Stay focused, please."

"Worked so hard."

I've been trying to figure out

if I'm bisexual

or if I just binged Euphoria too fast.

[audience laughing]

I've been trying to date women,

but I dunno how to get women to like me.

I know how to get men to like me.

Easy. You trick 'em.

Just wait until they kind of like you,

and then you're like,

"You don't like me."

They're like, "Yeah, I do."

"You don't." "Yeah, I do."

You're like, "No, you don't." "I do!"

You do that

until they get you pregnant, I think.

You just turn it

into a fun challenge for 'em.

"Bet you can't spend your life with me."

They're like,

"f*cking watch me, you bitch!"

Like when you ask a kid

to take out the trash,

and they're like, "No!"

And you're like, "I'll time you."

And he's like... [gasps]

"See? You didn't even think

you wanted to do that."

He's like, "Who cares?

I'm the fastest boy alive."

Hitting on women is so much harder.

It feels so much more delicate.

Hitting on a woman feels like

trying to skip a stone on a lake.

Hitting on a man feels like

throwing a brick through a window.

Like, "I don't really care.

I just want to see what happens."

"I'm not gonna live here."

I might be sexist.

I'm hearing it now as I'm talking.

I think I'm sexist

because when a man rejects me,

I'm like, "This idiot!"

But when a woman rejects me, I'm like,

"She knows what she's talking about. Um..."

I was talking to a friend of mine about it

because you don't wanna just...

It's scary to just say you're bisexual

'cause then someone's always like,

"Prove it. Here's a pic of Margot Robbie.

Are you wet? Lemme feel."

Everyone's really...

Everyone's aggressive about it.

It's weird.

You've got to prove it to people.

Uh, but I was asking my friend about it,

and she goes,

"Obviously, sexuality is a spectrum."

She watched Euphoria too.

She goes, "I know that I'm straight.

I could not go down on another girl."

"I think that's gross."

I was like, "Okay.

Let's think about this."

"Why are you not going down on a girl now?

Is it gross to you?"

And I was like,

"No, it's not that it's gross to me."

"It's that I really don't want

to be bad at something as an adult."

My brother is trans, my sisters are gay,

and I identify as afraid.

I am so afraid of failure.

I can't even stick with new hobbies

as an adult.

How am I supposed to get good at...

Getting good at going down on women

would be like learning piano.

I would love to have that skill.

Bust that sh*t out at parties,

impress everyone.

But I don't have the time or humility

to sit down and learn new fingerings.

I don't have it.

[laughter, applause]

I get halfway through "Jingle Bells."

I'm like, "I suck."

"I should've started at 12.

I'll never catch up."

I already know how to play clarinet.

It is not my passion,

but I have the respect of my peers.

I have many years

of experience under my belt.

Under someone's belt, under some belts.

When I was a kid,

I didn't know there was another option.

They were like,

"You're a girl, play clarinet."

I was like, "What about piano?

Could I play piano?"

They're like, "Sure, you can play piano

if you want to go to f*cking hell!"

Anybody, religious trauma?

- [whooping]

- Do we have any of that in here? Okay.

I'm sorry if you don't have any.

I know I'm a broken record.

I should shut up about it,

but I keep realizing new things.

For example, did you know when you come,

you're not supposed to yell,

"Take that, Jesus!"

Did you know that?

[laughter]

I wish that was a joke, DC.

I really do.

Even if you didn't grow up religious,

a lot of people grew up sheltered.

Round of applause,

how many people did not get a sex talk?

- [audience clapping]

- Round of applause. Yeah, see?

Now, round of applause,

who did get a sex talk growing up?

- Who did get one?

- [audience cheering]

You did. Do you mind me asking

how old you were?

Is it okay I'm talking to you?

I want to make sure.

If I talk to you and you're not into it,

that's completely fine.

I wouldn't talk to a live entertainer.

Do you consent to crowd work?

I need a verbal yes.

Not just a thumbs up. Yes?

See? Not that hard. That's how it's done.

All right.

All right. How old were you

when you got the sex talk?

- [audience member] Nine.

- Nine? Okay.

That seems a little early

but also kind of okay.

I don't know

how tall you were at nine. Right?

Were you asking questions,

or were your parents like, "It's time"?

My mom took me for a picnic in the garden.

Your mom took you

for a picnic in the garden?

f*ck you so hard.

Are you serious?

Your mom took you

to a picnic in the garden

to tell you the horrors of sex.

I'm sorry.

I'm having an emotional reaction to that.

That's the most beautiful thing

I've ever heard.

This Secret Garden sex talk.

Holy sh*t, okay.

Wow, what's that like, Lorelai Gilmore?

f*ck me.

So you weren't asking questions

or anything?

Your mom was like, "It's time..."

Oh, you were asking questions?

See, a lot of people ask questions.

And I didn't realize

all these kids were so smart.

I didn't know we were supposed to be.

I never asked any questions.

Which is so stupid,

now that I think about it.

'Cause when I was a kid,

before I got my period, I had three holes.

I still do.

I don't know why I said it like that.

I still do. For the record.

Just for anybody watching...

I've always have had, always will have.

I think. When you get

your tubes tied, do they seal it off?

I'm gonna Google it. Forget this.

This was a tangent.

I'll deal with this on my own.

But before I got my period,

I had three holes,

and one of the holes

wasn't doing anything, right?

And I never thought

to ask anyone around me,

"Hey, what's this unemployed hole doing

between my other two holes

that are working pretty hard?"

I just walked around all day like,

"I don't know. That's my big one!"

"God knows what he's doing."

"That's where my faith goes."

After I saw Music Man,

I started calling it

my glove compartment, but...

that is another story.

[laughter, applause]

This was my sex talk.

So when I was ten,

I read what sex was in a book.

Not planning on it.

Just like, "Oh my God!"

Tried to forget.

Just assaulted by Judy Blume,

quite frankly.

Then two years later,

my dad was driving me home,

and out of nowhere,

he goes, "Do you know what sex is?"

I was like, "Yeah, I read it in a book.

Let's never speak again."

And he's like, "All right, I need you

to tell me what it is so I know you know."

My dad made me give him the sex talk!

I was like, "Do you know what it is?"

He's like, "Tell me what you know.

Then I'll tell you what I know."

"And we'll get

to the bottom of this together."

I used to ask my parents

for relationship advice

every time I went through a breakup.

Don't. Unless you want to learn

about your parents.

I had a terrible breakup

in my early twenties.

I was home. My stepmom

was trying to comfort me.

She goes, "You know, there was

a guy in my twenties I wanted to marry."

"When it didn't work out,

I was devastated."

I said, "I didn't know this."

And my dad goes,

"I did! She talks about him all the time."

And I was like, "Who was this guy?

What was his deal?"

She goes, "He was really cool, actually.

He was an Alzheimer's scientist."

And my dad goes,

"Notice how that's not cured yet."

[laughter]

She's like, "Wow, honey.

I hope we never get Alzheimer's."

He's like, "I hope we do!

So we can all forget about this guy."

I used to be way too loose

with who I asked relationship advice from.

People in the audience, total strangers.

I asked a couple in the front row once.

Two couples therapists

who had married each other.

I know. You ever see

quadruple-stuffed Oreos?

And you're like, "Enough." Right?

That is a hat on a hat. It's excessive.

But I was like,

"Two off-duty couples therapists."

"You gotta ask them."

I said, "Any advice for people

in relationships who are fighting a lot?"

They said, "We do."

"You know how a lot of people

have a safe word to stop sex?"

"Everyone needs to have

a safe word during fights."

I asked a married friend,

"Do you have a safe word for fights?"

He was like, "What?"

I'm like, "A word that stops the fight."

He goes, "We have one."

I said, "What is it?"

He goes, "c**t."

[audience laughing, wincing]

"But I have to say it.

It doesn't really work if she says it."

I was like, "Jesus. I was looking

for 'pineapple, ' dude, but..."

I used to ask

for relationship advice after breakups

because I thought that was me

working on myself, but it really wasn't.

It was me figuring out how to get into

another relationship, quickly as possible.

So I wouldn't have to work on myself.

The reason people

don't want to be single for long

is that once you're single

for a little bit, you start to notice,

"Ooh, some of the issues

in my relationships are still here."

And it's just me now.

There's only one set of footprints

in the sand.

And no one's carrying my ass.

I realized in the last year

I have a lot to work on.

I realized I'm petty in relationships.

I don't wear perfume when I'm single.

Don't even think about it.

I wear perfume in a relationship, though.

Because I know if we break up

and you smell that smell later,

you'll get sad.

And that makes me happy.

I don't wear perfume to smell good.

I wear it to haunt you later.

I was on a first date with a guy.

I realized we both had

three younger siblings.

I said, "Oh my God.

Let's text our sibling group chats."

"Ask them what our biggest flaw is."

I'm so fun on a first date.

I can't believe I'm alone.

He texts his brothers,

"Hey, what's my biggest flaw?"

They write back, "Works too hard."

"Cares too much."

One wrote back, "Dyslexic,"

which I thought was pretty funny.

He couldn't read it, but I could.

[audience laughs]

I text my siblings,

"Hey, guys. What's my biggest flaw?"

And my brother writes back immediately,

"You expect everyone to hurt you,

so you leave before they can."

I was like,

"Dude, I'm on a date right now."

"Sorry! Works too hard!"

"I thought this was a secure line!"

I'm a very emotional person,

very emotional partner.

I'm run by my emotions.

Did you know some people

feel feelings privately?

Have you guys heard about

this compartmentalizing bullshit?

Some people apparently

have these polite little feelings

that shuffle up to 'em during the day.

Tug on their sleeve like,

"Hello, excuse me?"

"I need to be felt at some point,

whenever you get a chance."

You're like, "I'm at work now."

"You're at work? I'm so sorry."

"Have time later?"

"I get off at 6:00."

"Okay, like 6:30, do you have time

to feel abandoned and worthless?"

"Okay, 6:30 in the parking lot.

It's a date."

"I love you so much.

You're doing great at work. Bye."

That's never happened to me.

Every feeling I have

demands to be felt immediately.

Every feeling I have

demands its own parade.

Every feeling I have

turns into that scene from Aladdin

where he's pretending to be a prince.

Just like...

OMG, Taylor's hungry!

This could get dicey

Needs a sandwich now

She's a bitch, take it from me

But I'm glad I've had this year

to work on this stuff because I needed it.

I turned 30 two weeks ago.

- [cheering]

- And that means... Thank you.

And that means that I have spent

the last 14 years of my life

trying to get good at this,

trying to get good at stand-up.

Trying to have the career

that I am now fortunate enough to have,

thanks to all of you, honestly. Yeah.

[cheering, applause]

And as grateful as I am,

and as lucky as I am,

it has really made me,

this year especially,

go, "Oh no."

I don't know

if I'm gonna be good at this other stuff.

I... I mean, I know I'm a good comedian.

I don't know if I'm a good person,

a good parent, a good partner.

This hour of material

that I'm doing right now,

that's like,

"Can I have it all? I don't even know!"

This is not a bit, DC.

I am genuinely concerned.

I know how hard it is to do this job

in this business and have a family.

I see how hard friends of mine work.

I also see

how little work people put into it.

Lot of people in this business are like,

"You can have kids and travel!"

"They got FaceTime now."

Which feels like tying your dog

outside a shop.

"I can see him through the window.

He's okay."

I still have childhood sh*t

I'm working through on my own.

I don't want to put that on a kid, right?

Like, I was watching a TED Talk recently...

Sorry, I was watching a TikTok recently.

I always get those confused.

The information's still good.

It's just vertical.

...that said, if you have childhood trauma

you're working through,

you need to learn

how to parent yourself as a grown-up.

So I've been trying to do that

to heal, trying to parent myself.

But I feel like

I got pregnant with me in high school.

And I was not ready

for this responsibility.

And now I wake up every morning,

totally overwhelmed,

trying not to shake me.

Like, okay...

"If I let you watch TikTok

on my phone for 30 minutes,

will you please stop crying?!"

My friends are like, "You okay?"

I'm like, "No, I think I have colic.

I kept me up all night."

I love TikTok.

You know what's funny about TikTok?

These kids are like lip-syncing, dancing,

pretending they're in a music video.

We all did that growing up, didn't we?

Yeah! Alone in your room

in the mirror, hairbrush. Of course.

But if anyone

had walked in on you doing it,

you would've k*lled yourself, right?

[laughter, applause]

And these kids are online like,

"I hope millions of people see this."

It's like, "You could benefit

from some bullying, I think."

"Might've... overcorrected a bit."

I do have a lot of friends who are

getting married and having kids. They're...

Look, they're condescending as hell.

It's so funny how the same girls who used

to wake up drunk on train tracks are like,

"I dunno how you stay out past 10:00 p.m.

Your lifestyle's really unhealthy."

I'm like, "I've seen you snort coke

off a rusty bike rack."

"But you keep sniffing

that baby's head like we all forgot."

But my friends

who have kids and are married,

they complain about their jobs,

and I do the same dismissive thing

right back to them where I'm like,

"Yeah, but you're married,

so you're fine."

They're like, "But I'm miserable

60 hours of the week."

I'm like, "But you have

your dream d*ck, so you're fine."

And it's not great, and I think part of it

is that we're all turning 30.

And 30 was this age

in our heads where, like...

"Well, by 30,

we'll have all our sh*t together, right?"

That kept us going through our twenties.

"We're 25, and we're garbage,

but in five years,

we'll have it all figured out."

Then, "I'm 27. I'm just a piece of sh*t,

but I have three years

to turn this around."

And then you're like,

"I'm 29. Crunch time, bitch!"

And now that we're all 30, we're like,

"Oh sh*t, our lives are not going

exactly as we always pictured them."

And so now there's this weird comparing

that's going on, this weird tension.

Like, I know that all of my friends

both pity and envy me.

Just like I know

that I both pity and envy them, right?

I know my friends look at me and go,

"I'd probably focus on work

if I was all alone."

And I go, "I'd probably have

a bunch of kids if I had no talent."

So we're all...

[laughter, applause]

And it's not healthy, per se.

But I do think it's good to focus

on what is going right in your life.

I think that that's gratitude.

I think that that's important.

It has gotten me through

a lot of weddings and baby showers,

to have my dream job,

to sit in the back row like,

"Whatever, have your bullshit love party."

"Hope it works out."

"I'm gonna have

the coolest job of anybody you know."

And that was true

until somebody married an astronaut.

[audience laughs]

And everybody's so impressed.

I guess astronaut beats everything.

They're like, "You've gotta admit,

that's the coolest."

And I'm like,

"He's got to wear a costume or he'll die?"

f*ck off. That's a dumb job.

"No. If I can't breathe somewhere,

I don't go there, Dan."

"That's just science."

Dan hasn't even been to space.

He just goes to work

and "practices space."

That's his job.

They put him in a rollercoaster.

"Don't throw up."

He's like, "You got it!"

What a hero.

[laughter]

I'm not proud,

but I told the girl that married him,

"You better hope

he never does go to space."

She goes, "Why? It's dangerous?"

I said, "No, 'cause he's gonna

cheat on you up there."

Oh, you don't think

astronauts are cheating?

They're in space for months, floating.

How long before one of them

looks at each other like,

"Hey, you know what we should try?"

[laughter]

"Houston, we have a problem.

Not a big one. It's medium."

"It's not small or anything."

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

What happens on the moon never happened.

We faked that landing.

That's a joke. We didn't.

There were no female astronauts back then.

[laughter]

But if any of the relationships

in my twenties had worked out,

I would not have my dream job.

I would not have

the career I've always wanted.

I've had a lot of cool experiences

this year as a result of being on my own.

I finally got to do some shows in Europe

in April, which was a dream come true.

And because I was single,

instead of taking someone I was dating,

I took Courtney.

Courtney's been

my best friend since we were 10.

Twenty years,

she's seen me through everything.

She saw me through depression

in high school.

She saw my first stand-up show ever.

I called off

an engagement a few years ago.

She kept my wedding dress

in her attic like it was Jumanji.

I'm like, "Just put this

where I can't hear the drums."

She and I got to run around Europe,

paying for sh*t with my d*ck joke money.

It was awesome.

[audience cheering]

Yeah.

And it was really special

to have her on that trip with me.

Because exactly a year before that,

last, last April,

I was alone

in a green room in Colorado, pre-show.

Post-some breakup.

I got a call from Courtney.

"I thought you were

on vacation with your boyfriend."

She goes, "Yeah, we are,

but I just wanted to check in."

"That's so nice." And I talked to her

about me for like 10, 15 minutes.

Finally, I was like, "You're not saying

anything about you and your trip."

"I mean, are you guys okay?"

She goes, "Oh my God. Yes. Oh, yeah."

"No, we're great.

We're great. We're actually, um..."

"We are actually engaged."

I was like, "What? Oh my God!

Why did you ask about me at all?"

She goes, "I just wanted to make sure you

were in a place where you could hear it."

[audience laughing]

It was so sweet and so hurtful.

I... I have never felt so seen

and so insulted in my whole life.

Her fianc was there the whole time.

She's like, "And then what else?"

"She sounds stable.

She sounds like she can handle it."

That's how you know

your best friend's met the one,

when you can no longer

get them on the phone alone.

You call them late, crying.

Halfway, they're like,

"By the way, you don't care that

Todd's been here the whole time, right?"

You're like, "No, I actually called to see

if Todd thinks I have a yeast infection."

[through gritted teeth]

"So glad Todd is available!"

Don't get me wrong.

I love my best friend's fianc.

He's amazing.

If he d*ed,

would a little part of me go, "Sleepover"?

Of course!

But I was touched that she was thinking

about me and my mental health

during her engagement

that I went out on stage,

and I said, "Before we start the show,

can you guys do me a favor?"

"Can we make a video for my best friend?"

The crowd's like, "Yeah!"

Got my phone, put it on selfie mode.

And I went, "One, two, three!

Congratulations, Courtney!"

Me and 2,000 people, yelling it for her.

I got offstage that night,

and I texted her the video.

To say, "Hey, I love you.

I'm so happy for you."

"And look at all these people

who pay to see me!"

"I'm doing just fine."

"I have one of Hugh Jackman's gloves."

Thank you so much, DC.

You were absolutely amazing.

Thank you, guys. Seriously.

["Boys Wanna Be Her" playing]

Thank you so, so much.

You guys were fantastic.

[audience cheering]

Does anyone think

they have a weird sleep tip? Super weird.

Wow. We got a confident hand right here.

- What do you got?

- [faintly] Sleep in a different city!

Sleep in a different city?

Bitch, do you know what my job is?

Sleep in a different city?!

Know your audience.

What else we got?

That was not a strong start.

Anybody else... have anything?

It's okay if nobody does.

We do right here.

[audience member]

Get a very firm MaxCoil mattress.

Get a very firm mattress.

Okay, do we need

to hear the instructions again?

If you think you have a weird sleep tip

that I have never heard of,

raise your hand and tell me.

If no one has anything,

that's completely fine.

We have one hand over here.

What have we got, glasses?

[audience member in glasses]

A cat plus Xanax.

Cat and Xanax.

If you think...

that I don't have Xanax,

this is your first show with me.

Okay. Well, if nobody else thinks...

Look, it's fine.

Okay, what about here? Right here.

- Four-seven-eight rhythmic breathing.

- What is it?

- Four-seven-eight rhythmic breathing.

- Rhythmic breathing.

Okay, you guys, I'm gonna be honest.

Y'all shat the bed on this one.

These were some basic answers.

Um, and that's okay.

What? Did someone say, "read a book"?

I'm gonna f*ck you up after the show.

Meet me in the parking lot. Read a book?

Oh my God.

Okay, right here. It's crazy

that people are getting more confident

as they hear

other people's terrible answers.

They're like,

"I can b*at firm mattress, surely."

- What have you got, second row?

- Vicks on your back.

What's on your back?

- Vicks.

- Vicks on your back?

These are not good, you guys.

Thank you for playing.

All right. What? Last one.

- Stretch for five minutes.

- Stretch for five minutes?!

I'm never coming back to this city again.