01x08 - Floor Favor

[bunniefuu]

There it is.

Hmm.

Now, remember, this coat rack has to work for everyone.

All right, well, let's see. It's, uh... it works for you.

Uh, works for Cris, so it, uh [Chuckles] it works for me.

[Laughs]

Uh, works for Daniela. And works for Ms. Natalia.

[Hispanic accent]

"Oh, stupid coat rack."

[Normal voice]

You know, I don't know if it works for Henry and Izzy, though.

Eh, they need to work on their jump sh*t.

You're cured!

[Laughs]

Uh, thank you, San Juditas.

Let me, uh, give you a little thank-you kiss.

[Stammers]

Alberto, don't hit on women when you're wearing Jean shorts.

I always wear jorts.

My point exactly.

Hey, the lawn looks great.

Right? We raked the leaves this morning.

And I jumped in them.

[Laughs]

Flooring business is kind of slow this time of year.

Yeah, I don't know why. People walk every day.

Right?

You know what's not seasonal?

The law.

I'm putting in 80 hours a week at work.

80 free hours.

Oh, it's funny.

You know, we're not working, you're working really hard, and we're making the same amount of money.

Ha ha, ha ha ha.

Oh, that's hilarious.

So, uh, what are you working on?

Maybe I could help. Mm.

Product liability connected to corporate negligence with just a dash of evidence suppression.

Hey, check out the coat rack.

Wow, Cristela, that sounds really important.

Now, do you do that before or after you bring your boss some coffee?

Ha ha, ha ha ha. I'm actually way beyond that.

Mr. Culpepper has me cross-referencing depositions to look for inaccuracies in testimony.

Hey. I put this thing up with Mollys.

You can actually hang from it.

Hey, Felix, I thought you were gonna haul all that junk to the dump.

I am.

Hey, Cristela, get in the trunk!

Alberto: Hey, hey, hey.

No one talks about my Cristela like that.

Hmm.

Felix, you installed the new ceiling fan in Ama's bedroom.

You put up a new coat rack.

Don't you guys have, like, any work coming up?

Well, we have a bid in on a new elementary school.

Aww.

You guys only taking gigs at your gwade level now? one of you needs to drive to El Zancarrón to deliver this letter to Epifaño.

I'm a little busy to do an 18-hour round trip.

Uh... Daniela?

Mom, just mail it.

I can't.

They won't deliver to the concrete house on the corner of dirt road and dirt road.

Why don't you just e-mail him?

That's what I'm trying to do.

Trying to write a letter y mail it!

[Laughs]

Oh, my gosh.

Where do we start?

Well, we start with good intentions.

[Chuckles]

We end in tears.

Ama, we live in a time where this can connect you to the world.

So call someone and tell them to mail my letter!

Ama, you can talk to Epifaño face-to-face on the Internet.

How do I do that?

[Gasps]

Can one of you teach me?

Um...

Um...

Mm, just...

Yeah, hold on. Hold on.

No, I'm not gonna do it. It's your turn. I taught her how to use the TV, and she had trouble with the remote control. It's not fair.

You can't make me.I will do anything else... literally anything else.

Seriously, I will wind up k*lling her.

She is so annoying. It's gonna take like 10 years.

Cris, I'm begging you, for the love of God. Come on. No, look, I promise.

Look, I will clean the house for the rest of my life.

If you do it, you can live here long as you need.

Fine.

Hey.

Ama, I'm gonna teach you how to use the Internet.

Ohh, I wanted Daniela to do it.

[Chuckles]

You win.

[Laughs]

Have you guys read this Blanchard case?

I can't believe the lady had her legs b*rned by a seat warmer.

I can't believe seat warmers are a thing.

I mean, what's next? A CD changer?

[Scoffs]

CDs? Aww, Cris, we need to talk.

What? I'm just glad my car gets me from "a" to "b"...

Almost all the time.

Did you know that after 20 miles, a spare tire just becomes a regular tire?

Six months and counting.

Aww, you appreciate everything.

You know, you're lucky you grew up poor.

Yep, it's like winning the lottery every day of my life.

Oh, Mr. Culpepper, I'm almost done with the warranty research on the Blanchard case.

I got to tell you, it really lit a fire under me.

That's funny 'cause that's what happened to Debra Blanchard.

Ha ha!

Yesterday, I visited my friend Jerry Jones' new office.

It was so beautiful. Now I'm miserable.

Why, daddy?

Because it makes my very expensive office seem less expensive.

Guess it really is hard to keep up with the joneses, huh?

Ha! Am I right?!

[Laughs]

Okay.

I'm gonna remodel my office, starting with the floor.

Oh, good. Good.

Good. Good.

Why... why are you looking at me?

Oh.

You think that I know someone that does floors because I'm Mexican.

See, we all know how my mind works.

Hmm.

And you probably think "La Bamba" is my favorite movie, hmm?

Okay, my brother-in-law installs floors, and "La Bamba" is my favorite movie!

Oh, my God.

It's so good!

Ritchie!!

What, I can't like it, too?

Great. Have him come in tomorrow.

Uh, you know, you might want to interview them, uh, g-get an estimate.

You might change your mind.

You might not even like them. You know what? Let's pretend this never came up.

You don't want them here? Makes me want them even more.

Y-you know, they might not even be available.

Playing hard to get. I like it.

It's working. All right.

Gonna add 10% to their quote.

You tell them the job is theirs if they want it.

No, no, no, no, no. I-I don't want them here.

I'm not going any higher. A deal's a deal.

What deal?

I hate my office!

So, if I never have another job...

Mm-hmm. ...And we ran out of money, would you still love me?

Would you still look like this?

Of course.

Well, it would be tough, but I think I could make it work.

You know, some people think, with these looks, I could be a telenovela star.

Don't get carried away, Felix.

[Sighs]

I still can't believe we were underbid.

We came in so low.

Don't worry about it, honey.

I think I know how I can cheer you up.

Yeah?

Uh-huh.

Hey, it's dark in here.

I thought you guys were asleep.

No.

Do you wait out there for just the wrong time?

Looks like you're celebrating.

[Gasps]

You got the job.

Oh, that means you're not available!

That's awesome!

They didn't get the job.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Don't worry about it.

I got a spice rack to install in the kitchen.

We use salt, pepper, and comino.

We don't need a rack.

I really needed him to get that job.

[Sighs]

Me too.

He's driving me crazy with all his projects.

[Hammering]

[Sighs]

I can't miss him if he never leaves.

Hmm, that's the last thing mom said to dad before he left.

It's the same thing every year.

People don't put floors down till spring.

[Sighs]

It kills him to not be working.

Not as much as this is gonna k*ll me.

Felix!

Felix: What? I'm busy.

The comino and the pepper are two different heights.

I can't work under these conditions.

My boss wants a new floor installed in his office.

He assumed I knew someone.

And, unfortunately, I know you.

Oh, Felix!

This is great news.

Really, Cris? You got me a job?

Wait, not like yours, right?

No, this one pays. But it comes with rules.

Don't talk to my co-workers.

Only talk to my boss when you need to.

And Alberto should not talk to anyone.

So, the interviews with the managers from the dealership are done.

And according to my research, I can never afford a new car.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, boy.

Hey. Hey, look at me. Hey.

You could always lease.

It's not about that.

I'm just worried Mr. Culpepper will hate Felix.

He's not the easiest person to get along with.

[Elevator bell dings]

I think we're all overly sensitive when it comes to our families.

They're never as bad as we think.

Oye mujer!

[Sniffs]

Smells like justice.

Sometimes it's worse.

Hey. Remember to be on your best behavior.

Please don't act like yourselves.

Come on, Cristela. I'm not going to embarrass you.

Hey, I'm gonna marry this girl one day!

Okay, he might embarrass you.

Hey, professionals.

We're here to do a job, right?

All right.

Hey, I'm Josh.

Hey!How's it going, Josh?

It's going great.

Wasn't aware you were engaged.

I-I'm not.

Well, we're kind of engaged to be engaged.

Uh, except we're not.

So, what's up with the diversity around here?

Well, right now, sir, I'm providing it.

Mr. Culpepper, this is Felix and Alberto.

Sir. Good to meet you, boys. Call me Trent.

Hey, qué pasa, Trent?

Ah.

Let's stay with, uh, "Mr. Culpepper."

Tu sabes carnal.

Come on. I'll show you where the work is.

[Laughs]

I feel like I'm on "Law & Order."

Wow. What a great view. Hmm.

You know, that deep-chestnut color you picked, it's gonna go great with that sunset.

Beautiful, isn't it?

You know, sometimes I just have to take it in.

Watch the sun glint off the buildings and I think, "wow, I'm rich."

[Laughs]

Well, in that case, I better change my estimate.

[Laughs]

So, Cristela, is this your twin brother?

What?

No.

Oh, really? I mean, you look exactly alike.

No.

He's Felix's cousin.

Felix is married to my sister. I-I'm an innocent victim.

Ay, if I knew Cristela came with my wife, I might have not proposed.

All marriages come with surprises.

In my case, it was divorce. Ho!

[Both laugh]

Women, right?

[Laughing]

Not you, babe.

So, fellas, make yourselves at home.

Oh, uh, no, no, no, no, no. I-I've seen them at home.

And you don't want them acting like that here.

Oh, come on, I'm the same everywhere.

You can't just turn this off.

Look, I'm sure you have a lot of work to do.

We actually set up an office in a quiet place on the other side of the building, so that you can... oh, no, no. I want to be here with my guys.

You can have my desk, sir!

Kid's got ears like a basset hound.

Taking that as a compliment, sir!

Great, great.

Nah, this way I'll be able to be near your adorable family.

[Laughs]

You know, if I had a nickel for every time someone called me adorable...

You would have a nickel.

All right, uh, let's bring the truck around to the service elevator so we can start loading.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Hey. Psst!

I thought you were gonna get him some pants.

I did.

I cut them off.

What?!

What, are you having trouble concentrating?

So, uh, Alberto seems kind of interesting.

Hawaiian shirts and Jean shorts.

Most interesting man in the world.

[Elevator bell dings]

[Both laugh]

Hey, uh, primo, I'll catch up with you, okay?

I got some, uh, business to take care of.

[Sighs]

Alberto, what are you doing?

Being a man.

You know, I work with my hands, bro.

Me too.

[Keys clacking]

90 words a minute.

You're using your fingertips, man.

I use my whole hands.

So do I.

These files don't carry themselves.

Josh, I think you've done enough reps with those files.

We're all terribly intimidated.

You know what?

You... you remind me of the character lennie from Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men."

That's funny, you remind me of the little rabbit he, uh...

[Imitates bones cracking]

Did not think you'd know that reference.

Why didn't you think he would know that reference, Josh?

I have to go research these things.

Okay, mom, I want you to put your hand on the mouse.

Is this the Internet?

Am I on it?

Almost. Just got to turn on the computer.

I don't see Epifaño.

That's because first we have to join the network.

The network?

Is that the name of a g*ng? I don't want to join.

What kind of a g*ng would want a woman your age as a member?

Ohh, boss, I didn't know you knew all about gangs now.

Trust me.

No g*ng initiation is as difficult as this.

Okay, what do you want your e-mail to be?

Back in my village, we...

"back in my village" is fine.

Okay. You need a password.

Something you can remember.

Jesus.

Okay. Jesus.

Let's answer some security questions.

Who was your childhood hero?

Jesus, of course.

What was the name of your family pet?

We never had one.

Hmm, I'm just gonna go ahead and put down Jesus.

Hola, muchachos. ¿Como Va todo?

You know, I don't like it when you use my language, bro.

It... it throws me.

Felix: Yeah.

Now you know how I feel.

[Laughs]

Hey, hey, Trent, okay, so, what do you call a woman that owns her own mansion?

What?

Your ex-wife.

[Laughs]

Hey, I got one. I got one.

Hey, hey, what do you call a woman that owns a yacht?

What?

Your future ex-wife.

[Laughs]

You guys are hilarious, you know?

You could be, like, Cheech and Chicharrón.

[Laughs]

Seriously, how's it going?

Well, sir, you know, it's winter and we are working, so I would say pretty good, thank you.

I knew that Cristela would know the right men for this job.

You know, when I married Daniela, I got her mother and Cristela.

Good thing is that, you know, they're always cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids.

The bad thing is, uh, Cristela. Oh.

You know, I wish I had somebody to wait on me hand and foot.

Oh, wait a minute. I have interns.

I forgot. Cristela!

I'm sorry, sir. I-I'm sure they're bothering you.

They're not bothering me. These are my new golf buddies.

Of course, if anybody at the club asks, you tell them you're from Spain.

We're like brothers from another mother and... And father.

We... we get along great, though.

Cristela, would you go get us three diet iced teas for me y mis amigos?

Hey, make mine a small. I'm... I'm retaining water.

You know, I-I'm kind of down to the wire on this Blanchard research...

Oh, don't worry about that. Josh can finish that.

Oh, hey, can you grab us a few sandwiches while you're at it?

Uh... You can't tell me what to do.

Only he can.

Get us some sandwiches.

Yes, sir.

They asked for six-inch subs, then they sent me out for another six inches a half-hour later.

You know what that's called, guys?! A foot-long!

Which is what you told them to get in the first place.

Aah, I'm happy those guys are leaving.

Hey, hey. Hey, Josh. Look at me.

That's my family you're talking about.

I couldn't agree with you more.

[Chuckles]

I was working on cases, but now, because of them, I'm back to doing grunt work.

It's my worst nightmare.

My worst nightmare is an octopus that can walk on land.

They can, Josh.

They can.

Guys, you charged a fair rate for an honest job.

You'd make terrible lawyers.

Sir, I've compiled that Blanchard material.

I could carry more.

What do you got?

I found three strong court rulings that will get the company to settle fast.

Yeah, Cristela would never settle, little rabbit.

Mr. Culpepper, uh, when I wasn't running errands, I noticed that there were seven other appointments at that dealership regarding the same seat-warmer problem.

Um... Pastrami.

It... it all happened in the same two-week span.

So i-if it happened there, then that justifies us to go look at other dealerships to see if we can find some more.

Roast beef.

If that's the case, then I think there's enough evidence for a class-action lawsuit.

Ham.

Hey, did you get my fries?

Huh? Yeah. Here you go.

You want ketchup?

Eh, no, I'm good.

I'm sorry. I'll clean it up, sir.

You kidding? Class action means cash action.

Oh, Cristela, you just made me rich... Er.

[Laughs]

Hot damn, Cristela!

And Josh! Yes!

Cristela, you just made a whole lot of rain for this law firm.

She did?

We did!

There's no "I" in team.

You see, one lady gets her Fanny singed, well, we make a little bit of money.

But a whole bunch of people get their buns toasted, oh, man, we struck the mother lode.

So, wait. Wait. Cristela did all this?

Oh, yeah.

Paid your fee and then some.

Well, I guess we've all done a good job today.

[Scoffs]

We really have, Felix.

Let's, uh... Let's bring it in, team.

That's a real hand.

You know, my boss was really happy with your work.

You guys did a great job...

When you weren't embarrassing me.

Sorry about that.

But Trent seemed even happier with your work.

You know, that's the first time I really understood what it is you're trying to do with your life?

Hmm.

I was very proud of you.

What's wrong?

You complimented me and my body went into shock.

Anyway, thank you for getting us that job.

Well, thank you for giving me a place to live...

Rent-free... forever.

[Beeping]

Okay. It's working.

Natalia?

Epifaño.

Oh, you look old.

So do you.

Mom, what's the important message?

Oh.

I'm still mad at you.

That was it? What did he do?

[Scoffs]

Who can remember?

It was 30 years ago.