DAGWOOD: Uh-huh, uh-huh,
don't touch that dial.
Blondie!
[♪♪♪]
Nineteen dollars
and ninety-five cents
for that silly hat?
It's ridiculous.
Shh. It's not a silly hat.
It's one of the sweetest,
dearest little hats
I've ever seen.
So cute and fuzzy
with that perky little feather
on top.
I could make the same thing
for 25 cents worth of straw,
chicken feathers,
and vacuum cleaner dumpings.
[THUDS]
Anyway, I think it looks
perfectly darling.
Oh, you do, huh?
Well, I'll show you
just how darling it looks.
Come on, Harriet.
Get out of bed. Listen to this.
They're having
an awful scramble.
Dagwood,
I think you're being mean
-and horrid about this.
-Does this look darling?
You've got it on backwards
and I like it anyway.
HERB: So do I.
I'm crazy about it,
especially on Dagwood. [LAUGHS]
[GRUNTS]
You keep out of this,
you eavesdropper.
Go back to bed, Harriet.
The show's over.
Are you sure there's nobody
listening anywhere?
Well, my husband will be home
for lunch any minute,
but I'm sure there's nobody.
Just a minute.
All right. Everybody out.
[BARKING]
Now, what's the big secret,
Louise?
Well, do you ever read
Aunt Polly's question column
-in the news messenger?
-Oh, yes.
It's almost as funny
as the comic strips. [CHUCKLES]
Well, I write it.
I'm Aunt Polly.
-[SCOFFS] You are?
-Mm-hmm.
Oh, well, excuse me.
Um, when I said it was funny,
I meant those questions
that people write in are...
Well, some of the answers
to their problems seem to be...
[CHUCKLES] Oh, well,
I guess I can't get out of it.
I know it seems silly
but it's lots of fun
and you do help people.
All it requires is common sense,
something you've got plenty of.
That's why I want you
to take over my column
for a week while I'm away.
Oh, but Louise,
I haven't any experience.
Well, you're married
and you've got two children.
Yes, that's an experience,
all right.
Think of the hats you could buy
on my salary.
I'm weakening.
And the fascinating gossip
you can hear.
-I'll do it.
-Thank you, Aunt Polly.
DAGWOOD: Blondie, I'm home.
[THUDS]
That's my husband,
he's coming in the front door.
-[GASPS]
-You got to sneak out the back.
Hello, honey. [CHUCKLES]
I've decided
I'm not speaking to you.
Oh, Blondie,
all because of a silly hat.
-It is not a silly hat.
-Oh, no.
Now, sit down
and have your lunch.
-Oh, Louise.
-Oh, Herb. Hi.
-How did it work out?
-Fine.
I think she'll make
a wonderful Aunt Polly.
Thanks for suggesting Blondie,
Herb.
Nothing at all.
She's so sweet
and understanding.
-Yeah.
-And you were right.
She gave in the moment
I mentioned
-the hats she could buy.
-Sure.
-Thanks again, honey. Bye.
-Goodbye.
[KNOCKS]
I'm gonna change my clothes
and then I'm going downtown.
I'm glad you liked my hat, Herb.
Oh, I did, I did.
-Hello, Daggy.
-Hello, Woodley.
-Hey, looks good.
-Oh, help yourself.
Oh, I was going to anyway.
Dagwood, old friend,
I hate to pry
into your private life,
but last night,
you closed the window
and I never did get to hear
the last exciting installment
of your battle with Blondie.
You didn't win, did you?
No, she started to cry.
I apologized. She stopped.
-Fiendish, isn't it? [LAUGHS]
-Herb, I sure need some advice.
-Advice?
-Yeah.
Why don't you write
to Aunt Polly's
"care of cupids" question column
and tell her
all about your troubles.
DAGWOOD:
Hmm. "Are women human beings?"
Do you think she can help me?
I can't think of anybody
who doesn't understand
your problem any better.
Hmm.
MR. DITHERS: Now, I want you
to check with Prince Fillmore
on relocating
these air conditioning ducts
and see if he can--
-[GASPS]
-Oh, Bumstead. What is it now?
-Blondie.
-Blondie?
Well, whenever we have
a decision to make,
Blondie asks my opinion.
And before I can answer,
she tells me
what our decision is.
Cora does
the same thing with me,
except she doesn't even bother
to ask my opinion.
-Yeah.
-She just tells me.
Hmm. Well, I don't know
whether to give in
or fight for my rights.
Bumstead,
this is a question of honor.
A man must fight for his rights.
Yeah. Well, do you fight
Mrs. Dithers for your rights?
No, I like my face
the way it is.
What have you two
been arguing about?
Oh, well, Blondie's mad at me
because I thought
the hat she bought was silly.
And now, Herb Woodley suggested
that I write Aunt Polly
-that runs this column.
-Hmm.
"Are women human beings?"
[CHUCKLES]
-What a ridiculous question.
-Yeah.
Everybody knows they're not.
Well, why don't you write
to her? Can't hurt to try.
Yeah, but if Aunt Polly
printed my letter
and Blondie and saw my name...
Well, sign some other name.
Any name.
Hmm. How about J.C. Dithers?
-Yeah, something like...
-[CHUCKLES]
Bumstead,
you do and I'll take a bottle
of red ink and give you
a henna rinse.
-Well, I guess that's out then.
-Make up another name like, uh,
Heartbroken Husband
or Wife Hater or Axe m*rder*r.
Oh, I could sign level headed.
-Level headed?
-Uh-huh.
Oh, flat head
would be more appropriate.
Oh, thanks, J.C.
[♪♪♪]
-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Come in.
Hello, Aunt Blondie.
And how's every little thing
today?
Well, Herb,
what are you doing here?
I was the one that recommended
your name to Aunt Polly.
Didn't you notice
the resemblance?
She's my cousin,
but don't you dare tell Harriet.
Say, are these some
of the letters you get?
Yes, but Herb,
you know that Harriet
writes to Aunt Polly and
asks her questions about you.
Sure, I do.
Whenever we have a disagreement,
I simply say, now, my dear,
I wanna be fair about this.
Just write to Aunt Polly
and we'll do whatever she says.
Why, Herb Woodley.
She's the handiest cousin
I've ever had.
Say, here's an interesting
letter from a fella
who signs himself Level Headed.
Hmm. Well, he's had an argument
with his wife
over some silly thing
that she bought,
but he said he's in love
with her and she's very cute.
Yeah, it could be.
And he wants to know
whether he should stand up
for his rights
even though it means a quarrel.
It seems his wife cries
whenever she sees she's losing.
You don't say.
Now, how can a woman do a thing
like that?
She must be an awful person.
You know, this must be
a tough job for you.
You don't know anybody like her.
Well, I certainly disapprove
of her very strongly
-and I'm gonna say so.
-Of course.
-She's not your type.
-No.
On the other hand,
we women have to stick together.
Oh, brother. I know
it's the same old swindle.
Come on, Aunt Polly.
Pump up your petty coach,
shake the lavender and lace out
of your hand,
get your copy to me.
This is a newspaper office.
And not the jolly 12-bridge
sandwich in gossip club.
-Yes, sir.
-I was just going.
-[DOOR CLOSES]
-Now, what will I say?
Aunt Polly usually ducks
the issue.
No, I'm gonna face it honestly.
I'll say something like,
"Dear Level Headed,
I can't tell you anything
definite
without knowing
the full situation."
Well, that's ducking the issue
honestly.
"But remember, Level Headed,
that a woman loves a man
to be masterful."
"Show her that you are
the masterful man of the house
no matter what she does
and she will adore you for it."
That's what I'll say. [CHUCKLES]
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]
I wonder if I'll ever know
how my advice worked out.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
[LAUGHS]
-Dagwood.
-Goodnight, dear.
About that hat.
We'll discuss it
some other time.
When, next year?
No. Maybe tomorrow.
Goodnight, dear.
[FLY BUZZING]
Oh.
[SIGHS] I just heard a fly
coming in for a landing.
One of those night fighters
that crawl on your nose.
Oh. Well, let's get it over
right now.
I'll get out
my trusted fly swatter.
[FLY BUZZING]
I missed.
Look out, Blondie,
it's coming your way now.
Don't move.
Oh, there he is.
Now, now, don't move.
Don't sneeze, because I'm going
to annihilate him.
Not on me.
You scared him.
Oh.
HERB: Turn off that light,
it's shining in our bedroom.
Oh. Go to sleep, Woodley.
Mm-hmm.
Now look, little fly,
I'm going to free you this time
if you'll go over
and bother Woodley.
Now go ahead, shoo-shoo.
Good. [LAUGHS]
-[THUDS]
-Hey, Woodley.
Turn off that light
and stop that noise.
We're trying to sleep over here.
HERB: I'll keep it on
as long as I want to.
A fly just flew in our room.
DAGWOOD: Yeah?
Well, don't swat him.
We'll make a fortune.
That fly understands English.
Good morning, Daisy. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, thank you.
I had to see the paper
before I see Blondie.
[DAISY BARKS]
"Be masculine, be masterful."
Dagwood, breakfast.
-Okay, gorgeous.
-Okay, gorgeous?
That was your father,
wasn't it?
The noise is the same
but the lyrics
are a little different
this morning.
Hello, you gorgeous hunk
of plunder.
Dagwood Bumstead.
-Hi, Daddy.
-[STUTTERS]
Hi, kids. Come here,
you good-looking thing.
Dagwood, what's the matter
with you?
Did you swallow some
of that stuff you gargle with?
Come here, beautiful
and give your daggy a big kiss.
-Oh.
-Come here.
-Dagwood, stop.
-Come here, come here.
Stop it. Let go.
This is better
than watching a movie.
Parents sure are a panic,
aren't they?
Oh, Dagwood.
How dare you kiss me like that
before breakfast.
Rawr, rawr. What's breakfast
got to do with it?
Well, I don't know,
but it just doesn't seem right.
Now, sit down
and have your breakfast.
What's wrong, you luscious lump
of loveliness?
Well, you must know
and look at you.
Yeah, Pop.
You're loaded with lipstick.
What's the idea?
I think it's a pretty good idea.
Haven't I the right to kiss
my wife when I want to?
Well, you have a right
but that's all.
Oh. So, I have a right
but that's all, huh?
Well, now, sit down
and eat your breakfast.
As head of this house,
I will decide what I wanna do
-and when I wanna do it.
-Is that right?
If somebody's gonna start
something with someone,
I know somebody who would like
to be excused
so he could go someplace else.
I wanna stay and listen.
There are a lot of things
a girl's got to know.
And there's nothing about this
even in the book of knowledge.
You just get boxed in.
See you later, folks.
Alexander, you stay
right where you are.
Alexander, when you have
finished your breakfast,
you may go to school.
Oh, Pop. That's a nasty spot
to put us in.
Children, you may leave
for school immediately.
Stay right where you are.
All right. Now,
you can go to school.
Both of you.
Now then, Mr. Bumstead.
Oh, you wanna make something
out of it?
Well, that suits me just fine,
like a fine thing
for you to tell me
in front of our children
that I have a right
and that's all.
A fine way for them
to learn democracy.
I teach them that all men
are created equal
and you teach them
that all women
are created one rank
higher than men.
-And this has got to stop.
-[CRIES]
-What's the matter, Blondie?
-Oh, you great big bully!
Oh, Blondie, dear.
Don't talk to me.
I'm going up to my room.
Well, good morning, neighbor.
Hey, what did you do,
drink your tomato juice
-through a sponge?
-Oh...
Say, Level Headed,
I recognized your letter
in the paper this morning.
How'd you come out?
Blondie's upstairs crying.
Oh? Somehow I thought Aunt Polly
-would understand your case.
-Yeah.
The masterful stuff didn't work,
huh?
No. All it did was make me
a masterful bum.
Blondie.
And the next time you try
one of those
Italian movie star kisses,
I'll use both hands.
Yes, honey pie.
Sometimes I think
I should wrestle professionally.
[CHUCKLES] Yes, honey pie.
All right. You can go now,
but watch your step, little man.
Yes, honey.
-Pot.
-[GASPS] Julius!
And then what happened?
Well, then I apologized
for being a monster.
-How did you make out?
-Oh, I'm lucky to be alive.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Mrs. Dithers didn't go for that
masterful stuff either, huh?
No, look at these fingermarks
on my neck.
Oh, I don't see anything
but wrinkles.
No, no, here and here.
If I lose my column,
my head would fall off.
Yeah. Well, how do you stand
with her now, J.C.?
Right now, I'm on probation.
That means I've got to report
to Cora tonight
with a box of candies,
some cute earrings,
-and a dozen roses.
-Yeah.
It's corny but it works.
What's your status?
Mr. Dithers,
you know how low a duck is
-when he's sitting down?
-Yes.
Well, the way I feel now
is I could walk under a duck
without ruffling its fuzz.
-Hmm.
-What do we do?
Do? We write to Aunt Polly
another letter
and send it by messenger.
Yeah, but the only trouble
is Aunt Polly
has never met anybody
like Blondie or Mrs. Dithers.
Yeah, especially Mrs. Dithers.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, Blondie,
this is so much fun.
All these ridiculous
mixed up people.
Now remember, Cora,
don't you dare read a word
-about this.
-Of course not.
Here's one signed Level Headed,
now known as Lumpy.
Oh, I gave him some advice.
How did he come out?
Not so well.
What was his problem?
He has one of those
selfish wives
who wants to run everything
and be the head of the house.
Blondie, how can women
be so cruel and thoughtless
-and inconsiderate?
-I don't know.
I just don't understand it.
Our husbands
are a couple of lucky men.
[LAUGHS] I should say they are.
Well, according to this,
one of his friends
tried your advice, you know,
being masculine and masterful.
And his wife threatened
to k*ll him.
-[GASPS] Oh, that's awful.
-Why, it's disgraceful.
Oh, I feel so sorry
for those poor people.
-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Come in.
Pardon me, Aunt Polly.
Excuse me.
-I have a problem.
-Oh, how exciting.
Oh, well, I'll certainly do
everything I can
to help you solve it.
I need your copy for the column.
We're putting out
a newspaper again.
Now, warm up that typewriter
and get to work.
And when I come back,
I wanna see smoke
-pouring out of it.
-Yes, sir.
"Ask your wife
if she won't sit down with you
and discuss the problems
of your rights and hers
and try a light, gay approach."
"You must remember,
a woman has a sense of humor
as well as a natural sense
of fair play."
A sense of humor and a natural
sense of fair play?
Aunt Polly must've been nipping
on the elderberry wine
-when she wrote that.
-Yeah.
"But wife could refuse such
a sincere and simple request
-from her husband?"
-Well, Cora for one.
Yeah. Oh, now, wait a minute,
maybe we were wrong, J.C.
Let's give the girls
another chance, huh?
-Try again.
-Very well.
But if I'm not here
in the morning,
-you'll know why.
-So long, J.C.
So long, Dagwood.
Aunt Polly, we who are about
to try salute you.
[♪♪♪]
Anyway, Harriet wants to take
the money we've saved
and go to New York
on a sort of a second honeymoon.
And she's planning
to write a letter
to Aunt Polly about it.
And you want me to write
a discouraging answer?
Exactly.
-Hand me the sugar, Herb.
-Oh, sure. Yeah.
What do you wanna do
with the money?
I wanna buy a new shotgun
with it.
But Herb, a second honeymoon
is a wonderful thing.
I can't understand why you feel
the way you do.
Evidently, you've never been
duck hunting.
Ah, you men.
Make it really strong,
Blondie, huh? [CHUCKLES]
Hi, Alexander. Hi, g*ng.
[CHUCKLES]
-Where's your mother?
-Out in the kitchen, Pop.
What is she doing?
I think she's b*ating up
a couple eggs.
Hmm. Anybody I know? [LAUGHS]
That's a good one, huh?
Well, I think I'll go in
and have a nice light day
little talk with her.
[DAISY BARKING]
Hey.
Well, Daisy, just the person
I wanna see. [LAUGHS]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
-Hello, Blondie.
-[SCREAMS]
-Hey.
-Dagwood.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Gee, I thought
that would be kind of funny.
I am not amused.
Now, clean that up.
Oh, sure.
All right, clean it up, Daisy.
Well, now, I'll get you
some reinforcements.
Come on, g*ng.
Come on. Clean it up, boys.
That's it. [LAUGHS] Hmm.
And how are you,
you unattractive thing?
-Now look here, Dagwood.
-Now, wait a minute.
You got mad when I called you
gorgeous this morning.
So, I thought this would
make you very happy.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] I..
I better start all over again.
-Hi, Daddy.
-Yeah, hello.
Did somebody say something
somebody shouldn't say?
Somebody certainly did.
Hello, Blondie dear.
I just got home.
Hello, dear.
Hello, Cookie.
How's friends at school today?
You know, all the kids
are jealous of me.
They say it's never dull
around our house.
-And they're right.
-Hmm. Yeah.
Blondie, I got to have
a little talk with you.
All right.
Yeah, but can't we sit down
while we talk?
Well, Dagwood, I'm busy.
I've got things in the stove
and I'm getting dinner ready
and I wanna set the table.
Oh, just go ahead and talk.
-Yeah, but will you listen?
-I will, daddy. Go ahead.
[CHUCKLES]
Of course, I'll listen.
Blondie, this is more important
than dinner.
Dear, when a woman
is fixing dinner,
there's practically nothing
as important
as getting it done
and on the table.
And not even
her husband's rights?
Oh, heavens no.
Blondie, how can you refuse
a simple and sincere request?
It's easy. I refuse.
Now, out of the kitchen.
I'm really unhappy.
I'm going upstairs.
-Without your dinner?
-Yes, without--
What are we having?
No pudding, lamb chops,
mint jelly, and mash potatoes.
Oh. Right after dinner
I'm going upstairs.
Listen, Blondie.
You can tell me
about your rights, Daddy.
I'll listen.
Well, it's a long sad story,
Cookie.
It's kind of funny
in a pathetic way.
Julius, these are
lovely earrings but...
But what, dear?
But are you sure
they're not poison?
Cora, what makes you
so suspicious?
-Because I know you so well.
-Uh-huh.
-Thank you, Julius.
-Not at all.
Sorry I was angry with you
this morning.
Oh, that's all right.
Oh, but while we're talking,
I'd like to discuss
-a few of my rights around here.
-Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Cora, I am making a simple
and sincere request.
Nonsense.
What's in the other pack?
-Oh, open it. It's a surprise.
-Oh, I love surprises.
-[BOTH LAUGH]
-Well, Julius.
...could it be anyway?
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS]
Cora,
where's your sense of humor?
-Julius.
-Please. Cora.
DAGWOOD: Blondie wouldn't listen
to me last night
until after dinner.
Then after dinner,
she wouldn't talk to me at all.
And all she said to me
this morning was,
"I need five dollars."
Oh, and did you and Mrs. Dithers
have your little discussion
-last night?
-Oh, yes, yes,
we had a little talk.
I had to promise to get her
a new car before she left me up.
Hmm, I really am upset.
I don't remember drinking.
It's funny. I do.
You know, Blondie and I
used to have little arguments
but they never lasted this long.
-Same here.
-Yeah.
I wish I had never heard
of cupid's question column.
-Oh, so do I.
-Yeah.
But there's only one thing
to do about it.
It's the only manly thing to do.
-Give up?
-No!
We go down
to the news messenger office
and horsewhip Aunt Polly.
You can't go in there.
You haven't got an appointment
and I'm calling everything
to anyone. That's the rules.
Yeah, well,
we're breaking the rules.
You tell Aunt Polly
to come out here
and fight like a man.
MR. DITHERS: She's caused us
nothing but trouble.
Where are you, Aunt Polly?
Come on out here, you coward.
All right, all right.
I'll handle this.
Now, what seems
to be the trouble?
Yeah, well, Aunt Polly
ought to be arrested
for giving us advice like that.
MR. DITHERS: She ought to have
her heads examined.
Now if you just calm down
and give me your names.
-We won't calm down.
-Yeah, you just tell her
that Level Headed
and Lumpy is out here.
MR. DITHERS: Otherwise known
as Dagwood Bumstead
and J.C. Dithers of the J.C.
Dithers Construction Company.
And one of your advertisers,
my card.
-File this.
-Pardon me, gentlemen.
But I'm Aunt Polly's assistant.
Can I help you?
Oh, can you help us?
You tell Aunt Polly
she ought to be arrested
for breaking up our happy homes.
And if we ever meet
the Old Betty,
we'd smash up her rocking chair
and set fire to her shawl.
I'm really so sorry
she hasn't helped you.
I'll explain these to her
and perhaps
she'll have an answer for you
in the next edition.
Just give her another chance,
please.
Hello, Louise. Oh, hello, Daggy.
Hello, J.C. Dithers.
You're the one
who recommended Aunt Polly.
-Do something.
-DAGWOOD: A fine recommendation.
All right, men. All right.
Take your arguments outside.
-Get out.
-Aunt Polly!
May I stay in here
and they leave the building?
-Out, out, out.
-Hello, Louise.
Oh, do I wanna have words
with you.
Oh. Cora Dithers,
this is Louise Cooper,
the real Aunt Polly.
-How do you do?
-How do you do?
I suppose you realize
you've been giving
your husband's advice
on how to get along with you.
-We didn't know.
-Cora, we've been awful.
I know. I feel like a beast.
And when we were reading
those letters,
think of the mean things
we said about ourselves.
LOUISE: Mm-hmm. You get
kind of a different picture
-of yourselves now, don't you?
-Oh, I hate myself.
-Poor Dagwood.
-Poor Julius.
Well, Blondie,
what are you gonna do about it?
I don't know.
And to think Herb Woodley
knew all the time
what was going on.
No wonder he had that big grin
on his face.
And he wanted me
to discourage Harriet
from taking a second honeymoon.
Well, I'll take care
of Harriet's letter
but what about you two?
Well, suppose that Aunt Polly
says that perhaps
they've forgotten
some of the sweet names
they used to call their wives
and that they should think back
and try them and see
if they make a difference.
Okay. I'll put it in that way,
but the rest is up to you.
Oh, thanks, Louise.
You know, it's been a long time
since Julius called me
turtle dove.
"Try it and see
if recalling the past
won't reawaken the same old love
and happy feelings."
"Please try for my sake,
Aunt Polly."
Okay. I'll try it.
-Blond--
-Right here, dear.
Blondie, remember when you were
my little plum dumpling?
-Why, Dagwood, darling.
-Huh?
You sweet, wonderful,
marvelous, masterful man.
Hey, I said the secret word.
Oh boy, that Aunt Polly
really knows women after all.
[CHUCKLES]
-What happened?
-I don't know.
But like I say, it's never dull
around the Bumstead house.
You're so right.
[♪♪♪]
Well, I've had it.
-This is the bitter end.
-[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Oh, excuse me, the door.
-Oh, never mind, dear.
The children will get it.
What's the matter?
I've been double crossed
by that, dear,
-sweet old lady, Aunt Polly.
-[LAUGHS]
-You too, huh?
-It's not funny.
She advised Harriet
to go on a second honeymoon
and I told her I'd agree
with whatever Aunt Polly said.
Hey, that sounds wonderful.
-No, it's not.
-Yeah.
She advised Harriet to go
on a second honeymoon alone.
Oh, hello, Mr. Dithers.
Hello. May I use
your guest room again?
Why, sure, J.C.
What's the matter?
Well, Aunt Polly advised me
to call Cora by a pet name
I used to have for her.
But it didn't work out.
[CHUCKLES] That's too bad.
Oh, didn't you call her
turtle dove?
That's what it was.
I knew it was a bird
of some kind
but all I could think of
was turkey buzzard.
[LAUGHTER]
[♪♪♪]