06x02 - Valentine's Day Treats and Credit Card Cheats

[bunniefuu]

I am the king of pocket change.

Hey.

Come on.

Aces one time, Dad.

I'm saving up
for a new computer for Mark.

He uses it on his lap,
and it heats up so bad,

I'm afraid he's cooking
my future grandkids.

I'd like to remind everyone
that the ante is a nickel,

and no one has ever
won more than $7 here.

But dream on.

That ends now, as I am implementing

a new additional rule for tonight.

For new boyfriends... welcome, Tyler...

the ante is $25.

Come on, Dad. Play nice.

This isn't one of the ones
I want you to scare off.

No, no, he's got to learn.

Next time, don't let
your girlfriend's father

know that you've got a good job.

Dan, I'm going to take all
your money and your daughter.

ALL: Oh!

Only half of that bothers me.

Hey.

Have you told Beverly Rose
that Tyler's your boyfriend?

Not yet. And I almost blew it.

I went into The Lunch Box,

and I-I didn't know she was in there,

and I accidentally kissed Becky.

Yeah, and I had to cover

by kissing the rest of my customers.

- It was a great day for tips.
- Yeah, but I...

You set the bar too high.

I had to take my bra off
for the rest of the day

just to make five bucks in change.

But Tyler and I have decided

to tell Beverly Rose we're a couple.

The problem is, with kids of divorce,

if you don't get it right
there can be feelings

of guilt, resentment,
and long-term effects

on their mental health.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

Mom and Dad were together forever.

We suffer from all that stuff.

She's not wrong.
You kids are disasters.

Hey.

We're going to do it right.

I'm coming over to the house
on Valentine's Day,

and I'm going to give
Beverly Rose a valentine

and chocolates.

That's smart.

That way she associates you
with good things.

That works for older people, too.

If you wanted Dad to like you,

maybe bring over
a large bouquet of Budweiser.

[laughs]

Well, could you tell her soon?

Because that way,
Tyler can stop creeping

in and out of our house.

It's just awkward when our booty calls

run into each other in the hallway.

I'm sorry about that.

We just can't go back to my place

because I live with my mother.

- Ah.
- [shudders]

[chuckles]

And the spotlight moves to Tyler.

But the, uh... the breastfeeding,

you've moved on from that, right?

I'm only at my mom's
because I travel a lot

and I don't want to waste money on rent.

You guys need to lay off.

Sneaking around
has been really hard on us.

We've had to do some really
crazy stuff to get any privacy.

Oh, yeah.

Well, Darlene and I know
what that's like

from when we lived with Dan.

Ugh, I hate that I know this,

but the baby-changing tables
at Arby's...

the only ones that'll support
two adults.

Like you're the first one
to discover that.


and Credit Card Cheats[/i]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.

So, spending Valentine's Day
at The Lunch Box.

Not only is the romance gone,
it's been taken out back,

sh*t, and dumped in the woods.

For your information,
we have planned a lovely,

intimate evening in downtown Chicago.

So we will be keeping it light
and splitting

the "Nothing Will Come
Between Us" wedge salad.

Hey.

Sorry I'm late, but we
have got a big problem.

What else is new?

Somebody stole Bev's identity

and ran up, like, $10,000
on her credit cards.

They bought two puppies,

started sponsoring twin orphans
in South America,

and bought a long-term timeshare

with no holidays available.

How can Bev not know about this?

It's her account.

Well, she's in her 90s,

and when she started
developing dementia,

I had to jump in
and take over her bills.

Why not just have the company
freeze her credit card?

She's not going to understand
what's going on.

She's going to get all agitated.

Then she's going to look
for a way to blame me

because that's her MO.

Then I'm going to see a white flash,

and I'm going to wake up
on the dark web,

shopping for chloroform.

I can't do it by myself.

Darlene, you have to come
with me tomorrow.

You know, I have distinctly cultivated

a repellent personality

so that people
would not ask me for favors.

[groaning]

All right.

Okay, fine.

Fine.

But if she starts insisting again

that I'm that little guy
who was the lead singer

of The Monkees, I'm out.

Remember, we're going
to see how things go,

and if she seems like she likes you,

we'll ease into the boyfriend talk.

Oh, just a heads-up...

if Beverly Rose feels uncomfortable,

she may become a dog named Pancake.

Beverly Rose, look who's here.

It's my friend Tyler.

You met him at The Lunch Box, remember?

That was the day you kissed everybody.

Yes, it was.

Let's not share that.

Uh, I think Tyler brought you something.

Um, Happy Valentine's Day.

It's a jet like I fly,

and inside is a little woman pilot.

Who makes a fraction
of what her male copilot makes.

All right, I got
a romantic evening tonight.

I got to go put on a bold lip
and take some Gas-X.

Since it's a plane
that delivers packages,

why don't you look inside

and see if there's anything for you?

[gasps]

I already got candy at school.

Do you have anything else?

Beverly Rose, you're being rude.

Tyler got you something nice.
You should say thank you.

Thank you.

It's...

You know what?
There's... there's actually...

There's something else.
There's something else.

Let's...

Look at that. It's money.

It's a $20 bill.

This is what they look like, Mom.

- [chuckles awkwardly]
- She hugged me.

Yeah, couple trips to the ATM,

and she'll be cool
with us getting married.

Is that in play?

I'm a middle-aged single mother

living with her kid sister.

Everything is in play.

[bluesy harmonica music]

[knocking on door]

Oh. Hey, Mom.

I thought your nurse
would be answering the door.

We've be talking about her posture,

and I said she's getting
one of those humps,

and she said she needed some air.

I think she goes out
and smokes cigarettes.

So what brings you by, Jackie?

Oh, nothing big.

Um, you know who this is?

Of course I do.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, come have a seat,
and you can both tell me

why you look so constipated.

It seems like you're having
a pretty good day.

Unfortunately, I got
a little bit of bad news, Mom.

Your credit card number was stolen,

and you're going to have to get
a new card.

That's terrible.
How can someone do that?

Well, they pretend to be you.

They buy things online
using your account.

They do it through the computer.

How'd they get my computer?

They don't need your computer.

They have your credit card information.

That's impossible.
I have the card right here.

No, it's not how it works, Mom.

Somehow they got your numbers online.

This is all a big bore.

You and Davy Jones work it out.

Is it the haircut?
Is it because I'm short?

Or what's the...

Mom, Mom, your card
is going to be unusable

for one or two days.

Somebody bought puppies,
sponsored orphans,

signed up for a timeshare,

and donated to some sketchy organization

that's had four documentaries about it.

That was me.

What?

[dog barks]

Isn't he cute?

Why would you buy all these things?

And, more importantly, how
are you going to pay for them?

I just pay the minimum every month.

I know what I'm doing.

These are all things I want and need.

But they all require time.

Puppies grow up. Orphans grow up.

Timeshares...

you know, time.

I don't know what you're getting at.

I have nothing but time.

This one won't do his business
in the cold,

so he needs a warm winter home.

That's why I bought
the timeshare in Miami.

Okay, but puppies and timeshares

are long-term commitments.

You're sort of short-term.

- I don't know what you mean.
- Okay.

There's a guy standing behind you

with a black robe and a sickle.

And it falls off on us.

We're going to get stuck
taking care of all these things

and dealing with a huge bill.

Well, I'm getting points
for all my purchases.

Yeah, okay, well, when we get
out of the poorhouse,

we'll use them.

We'll, uh, go down
and visit the puppies,

who are living it up in Miami
but never on a holiday.

[bluesy rock music]

Oh, no, you b*at me again.

Here's another $20.

Okay.

Uh, that's a 3-day take of $80.

I think we're done with Uno.

Well, I blew through most
of my cash on the giraffe,

but if she has a Venmo account,
we can keep right on going.

It's okay.

And Beverly Rose and I also have a date

at Uncle Chester's for pizza.

I want Tyler to come.

Oh, that's great. Me too.

And I want to go to Dave & Buster's.

Tyler could buy games,
and I could win stuff.

No, that's too expensive,

and Tyler has bought you
enough stuff this week.

I don't mind paying.

I hate Uncle Chester's now.

You go there, and I'll go
to Dave & Buster's with Tyler.

Wow.

We do not talk to each other like this.

I don't think we're going anywhere,

and Tyler is going home.

Do I have to?

Yeah, you do.

I got to deal with this.

Not fair.

Normally, sending her to
a room would be a punishment,

but now she's just going to go in there

and make it rain on Mr. Giraffe.

♪ ♪

Okay, so I called you guys
because Bev is out of control,

and Darlene and I can't
handle this alone.

How does this affect us?

And by us, I mean me, because
that's all I care about.

Look, none of us
wants to deal with this,

but she's about to leave us
a mountain of debt.

And in case you haven't heard
the expression,

debt runs downhill.

Yeah, so we have to undo
everything she's done.

Harris, you deal with the timeshare guy.

You might have to fly to Miami
and throw him one,

but we're talking
about thousands of dollars.

Darlene, you've always been
the messenger of doom,

so you tell the orphans
they're on their own again.

All right, I'm a little rusty,

but looking forward
to getting back on that horse.

Okay, and, Ben, why don't
you work on canceling

Bev's auto-pay contribution
to some organization

called The Pyramid?

That's it? What's the catch?

Well, we're not exactly
sure what The Pyramid is,

but according to all four documentaries,

they're going to thr*aten you.

thr*aten me with what?

Taking my money, my self-esteem.

my Goodwill IZOD shirt?

Somebody's got to do
something about those puppies.

- No. No, no.
- No?

- I'm not doing the puppies.
- Dan, you love animals.

Yeah, but Beverly doesn't love me.

I'm not going over
to that apartment by myself

and try and pry a puppy
from her dry, bony clutches.

- Darlene?
- Oh, no.

I told her I was on tour
with Herman's Hermits.

It'll just freak her out.

Oh, God, fine.

I'm gonna be making minimum
payments on my mom's card

for the rest of my life after she dies.

- [exhales deeply]
- Wait a second.

Oh, my God, I just remembered.

After Mom d*ed, I called
the credit card company,

and they wiped
the balance clean on her card.

They said it's just a tax loss.

Holy crap, are you kidding me?

No, I guess when it happened,

there was just so much
going on, I blocked it out.

[shushing]

So, if I'm hearing what you're saying,

theoretically...

a person could run up thousands
on her card

and not have to pay anything
after she's gone.

[softly] And if we expand
on that theory...

someone could use
Grandma Bev's card, say,

to buy somebody's son a computer

that they need for college.

[softly] And if we really
challenged this theory,

a great-granddaughter
could get a new phone

with, I don't know, unlimited data.

[softly] Right.

[normal voice] My knees are k*lling me.

Is it okay if we talk softly
but up on the couch?

[bluesy rock music]

- [knocking on door]
- Just come in.

But if you're here to rob me,
I warn you,

- I have vicious dogs.
- [door opens]

Are you vicious dogs? Are you?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

I can't do this.

Do you want the puppies
to eat Bev when she dies?

You're right. No puppy should
have to ingest that much evil.

Bev, I came here for a reason,

and I want to make it clear
that, despite our history,

I'm not looking for a fight.

Well, since you're bringing
up our history,

I think it's time to clear the air.

Here we go.

Dan, I've always been hard on you

because I thought you were the rock

that was going to bring Roseanne down.

But I was wrong, because you turned out

to be the rock that kept
everyone from blowing away.

You're a good man.

I'm scared, Daddy.

Bev...

do you know what you're saying?

Because it would seem
to indicate that you like me.

We find that troubling.

Dan, I owe you for all of the happiness

that my daughter had in this life

and for my beautiful grandchildren.

Thank you, Beverly.

I really appreciate you saying that.

I did my best.

Dan, will you hand me the dog treats?

I've got to reward my young men
for being such good boys.

You know what, Bev?

You've already been so nice to me today.

And I hate to even ask you this,

but would you even consider...

giving this good boy your puppies?

The kids are all out of the house,

and I could use the company.

I was hoping someone would ask.

I'm worried they won't get along

with the cockatoo I still have coming.

♪ ♪

Hey. Beverly Rose is in bed.

When you get a chance,
come on over, and we'll talk.

[knocking on door]

Is that you?

Oh, my God.

I was a little anxious, so
I just walked around the block

a couple hundred times.

Look, I know you're upset with me,

but I know that if she doesn't
like me, I'll lose you.

I've seen it before.

And I've seen kids
be entitled little snots.

So I took her $80,

and I told her it was going
towards a college education.

It's my college education,

but she will still benefit from it.

Okay. I get it.

I went overboard.

I'm just desperate to make this work.

Yeah. I want to make it work, too.

But you're setting Beverly Rose up

for constant disappointment.

And it's not one
of the many disappointments

we've been preparing her for.

Okay, so...

if she doesn't like me,
what happens with us?

A Conner will throw a child
out of the house

for a man who makes a decent living.

But I kind of like this kid,

and I think, even without
the money and the gifts,

she's going to like you as much as I do.

Okay, so I got to get her
to like me for me.

But even my mom makes me
buy her cigarettes

and lotto tickets.

Wow, a damaged man with money...

marriage is definitely on the table.

Remember, we have Bev
to thank for these presents.

- [laughs]
- Huh.

Really is like Christmas morning,

if our parents made better
choices and really loved us.

Uh, excuse me, it was my idea

to cheat the credit card people.

How about a little appreciation?

Well, you can't take all the credit.

It was me who actually
committed the fraud.

[laughter]

Hey, Ben, Ben, did you see
Mark's new computer?

Uh-huh. Yeah, it's pretty.

Ben, how'd it go with canceling

Bev's monthly subscription
to The Pyramid?

You know...

they actually have some good ideas.

I do feel like my mind gets in the way

of what I want to accomplish
on this planet.

Yeah, well, don't get attached.

As soon as they find out you're poor,

they won't even let you scrub the boat.

Hey, Harris, did you get
a chance to check out

our new order-tablet software system?

I already made an account for
the restaurant and signed in.

- Look at this.
- Oh.

"Welcome to The Munch Box.

Please punch in your order, Jockey."

Oh, darn. See, that took me,
like, six hours to do that.

Good news...

I got Bev's nurse to take the puppies.

I passed a cockatoo in the hallway.

Big bird.

So, Dan...

Dan, everybody else in the family

got something from Bev's credit card,

and I think you deserve something, too.

Your options are

a TV that looks like a painting
of a Paris street when it's off

or two months of mortgage payments.

Well, I-I do care about
what I leave for my children.

But I want that TV painting.

[cell phone rings]

Oh.

Hey, hon.

Hey, we're going to order
the TV painting.

Oh, they did, huh?

Oh.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Um, let me call you back.

- Everything okay?
- That was Neville.

He said the credit card company
tried calling the house.

I wasn't there, so they called my mom's

to confirm all the new charges,

and she denied making any of them.

Well, she didn't.

Thank you!

So...

they're going to investigate
the charges for fraud.

And...

[stuttering] You're the one
responsible for this.

No way. You bought the gifts,
so it was you.

- You even said so.
- Well, you're the mastermind.

You tried taking credit for it
just a minute ago.

Well, a lot's changed
since then, Jockey.

You can tell a lot about how
these kids will turn out

by the valentines
they give Beverly Rose.

"Roses are red, violets are blue,

but it depends on
the composition of the soil."

Tell Beverly Rose to kiss this boy.

He's going to end up at Microsoft.

Yeah. [clears throat]

"I will give you my heart...

even though my mom said
I'll die without it."

Oh, and, look, Calder drew
a picture of himself

ripping his tiny little heart
out of his chest.

Lucky... I would have k*lled
for a connection like that.

[child giggles]