03x01 - The Owl

[bunniefuu]

Will you make me the happiest ghost

- on the entire property?
- No.

I will make you the second happiest.

Your k*ller was my son Thomas.

You've known this this
whole time and never told me?

I'm very sorry, Alberta.

No, I'm sorry.

Sorry I ever considered
you to be a friend.

You're so hot.

Thor and Flower both familiar with owls.

Is definitely basis
for entire relationship.

I think one of the ghosts
just got sucked off.

- Who?
- I have no idea.

I hope it's Trevor.

No one's in here.
I'll check the library.

Okay, I'll check the kitchen!

- Library's empty.
- I can't see ghosts.

I don't know why I went in there.

- What's all the hubbub?
- Oh!

Pete and Sass just came down the stairs,

- so it wasn't them.
- Oh, thank God.

- Hey.
- And there's Trevor, too.

Okay. What's going on?

We saw a light. Someone
just got sucked off.

PETE: Okay, we need a head count.

Everybody find your suck-off buddy!

Guys, get down here.

I can't believe one of them is gone.

Let's not panic. Maybe it
was just a basement ghost.

"Just a basement ghost"?

Oh, God, that's not what I meant.

Real nice, Pete. Real nice.

Unbelievable!

We just solved my m*rder.

What's a girl got to do to
get sucked off around here?

I, too, am here,

despite bravely revealing
after a mere hundred years

- that my son was Alberta's m*rder*r all along.
- SASAPPIS: Yes,

- you're the hero of that story.
- JAY: I mean,

we had a funeral for Trevor.

I mean, we gave him so much closure.

Still here, bro. Deal with it.

Okay, Jay, so far we're
still missing Isaac,

Thor and Flower.

Oh, there's Crash.

So, I just stuck my head in the attic.

Literally.

Did you see Stephanie?

The creepy chain saw prom girl?

Still sleeping, as usual.

That bird is out like
an unplugged jukebox.

Nigel!

Nigel?

Nigel? Has anyone seen Nigel?

Captain Higgintoot!

[GASPS] Nigel! Nigel!

Oh! Oh! [CHUCKLES]

NIGEL: I went to the shed
to boast of our betrothal

but on my way back,
I saw the white light.

- I feared for the worst.
- Could you imagine,

one of us sucked off on
the night of our engagement?

NANCY: Well, all my basement
friends are accounted for.

Sorry, Pete.

So, that leaves Thor and Flower.

[ALL GASP]

- Jay, it seems like it's either Thor or Flower.
- JAY: Whoa.

One of the main eight.

♪ ♪

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Anyone seen Flower?

Want to show her butterfly in pantry.

What?

♪ ♪

SASAPPIS: Thor, you were
the last one to see Flower.

Did anything significant happen?

Personal revelations
or sudden epiphanies?

Thor don't think so.

Well, what was the last
thing you said to her?

Believe it was comment about cod.

Specifically, flavor of cod.

Specifically, that flavor is good.

I know that would sh**t
me straight to paradise.

PETE: I'm happy for Flower,

but I'm gonna miss her.

And I bet she'll miss us,

if she remembers who we are.

- She did call you Dave last week.
- Yeah.

But then she said, "I'm sorry, Tom."

- So at least she knew Dave wasn't right.
- Hmm.

So, like, what normally
happens after a ghost moves on?

Is there some sort of ceremony?

It's been a long time, but
we gather, say a few words,

much like a memorial for a Living.

Though there's not much
in the way of finger foods,

because we can't make finger foods

or hold finger foods

or consume finger foods.

The things I would do to a Ritz cr*cker.

SASAPPIS: Look, what happened to Flower

is what we all want for ourselves,

but it comes with a lot
of complicated emotions.

This is unfair. She was
here for, what, 50 years?

I've been stuck in this
dump for a damn century.

One of which is jealousy.

I feel pain!

Another is pain.

Okay, not to be insensitive,

but do you get the sense
that our engagement party

is still on for tonight?

It doesn't appear to be
foremost on people's minds.

Sorrow!

It's just that I feel bad

because Samantha purchased
all those party supplies.

NIGEL: The two balloons.

Yes. Yes, yes.

Hey, I might just be in
my head, but do you think

Nancy told the rest of the pit about

my "just a basement ghost" comment?

TREVOR: Pete, let it go.

Trust me, bro,

nobody's ever thinking about you.

- Thank you.
- Hey. How's Thor doing?

I mean, losing your girlfriend?

Between you and me, that is not
something you come back from.

Uh-huh. You are sort of
whispering directly in his ear.

Oh. Sorry, big guy.

HETTY: Thor, loss is never easy,

but as I once told the grieving parents

of a child factory worker
who'd been pulled into a loom...

You know, it's hard when
we think someone's gone.

By all means, take the floor.

But in Hinduism,

we're taught that when a person dies,

their spirit finds a new home,

in a different body.

Could be human, could be an animal.

Could be anything. It's
called reincarnation.

It's nice to think that Flower
might be closer than you know.

Please thank small
man, but, unfortunately,

he not ease Thor's pain.

World still dark.

Love still dead.

Hope... abandoned.

So, uh, what did you tell
that poor kid's parents?

Ooh. I told them there's a job opening

for your other child,

and this time, be
sure to cut their hair.

They cried with joy.

PETE: Knock, knock! Everybody decent?

[CHUCKLES] Just kidd... [GAGS]

Wow. [GROANS] I forget about the smell.

It's a good smell, of course.

I mean, I... I-I like it.

- What do you want, Pete?
- Nothing.

Uh, just, uh, coming to
see how everyone's doing.

Nice of you to check in.

Especially since we're
just basement ghosts.

Oh, boy. So you did say something.

It's not my job to protect you, Pete.

Plus, it was a juicy nugget,

and after a few hours
of water heater talk,

you start looking for other
stuff to fill your day.

CHOLERA VICTIM NIGEL: Speaking of which,

did anyone else notice that gurgle

the water heater was
making this morning?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

We already discussed the gurgle!

Damn it, it's boring down here.

[WHOOPS] Yes! Mark just
got here with his crew.

Oh, they're starting
renovations on the barn today?

We're gonna have a restaurant, babe.

Terrible investment.

My friend tried to get me to go in

on something called Buffalo Wild Wings.

- Can't imagine that worked out for him.
- [SCREAMS]

Oh, my God!

And this is the front hallway.

That, of course, is Samantha

that just screamed behind the desk.

Hello. [GIGGLES]

Pete just walked in with a
whole clump of cholera ghosts.

[SHUDDERS] I mean, welcome.

Pete, what the hell is going on? Hi.

Um, wh-wh-wh-why don't you
guys make yourselves comfy

in the living room?

[CHUCKLES]: Don't let
that name offend you.

I'll be back to resume
the tour in a jiff.

These floors got to be pine.

They're not pine, Stuart.

Know your wood or shut up about it.

Okay, so I went down to the basement

to make sure they
weren't mad at me about

the whole "just a
basement ghost" comment.

Well, turns out, they
were, in fact, very mad.

Well, who cares if they're mad at you?

Also, anger is a very complex emotion
to assign to them.

Well, I don't like
anybody being mad at me,

so to prove to them
how much I enjoy them,

I kind of invited them to come upstairs.

But don't worry, I-I'm sure

they're gonna be going
back downstairs very soon.

Mind if we go watch
that TV thing upstairs?

Sure. Yeah. Kick back, relax,

stay as long as you like.

- I'm not great with conflict.
- MARK: Hey, guys.

Hey, Mark.

How are things out in the barn?

Hey, you've been here 15 minutes.

Do not tell me that we have a problem.

- We have a problem.
- Walked into that one.

Come with me, I'll show you.

Is that an owl?

Common barn owl by the look of it.

Binomial name is Tyto alba.

I took an ornithology class at Penn

'cause it was packed with Tri-Delts.

What's happening?

Construction's held up

'cause they found an owl nesting.

THORFINN: Really?

Owl.

MARK: Obviously, we'll
need to relocate it.

Once they've started
roosting, you've got to

move them miles away,
otherwise they just come

right back to the same spot.

You okay, big guy?

Love for owls first thing Flower
and Thorfinn find in common.

Means great deal to us.

- Yeah.
- Feels like... sign.

JAY: You know what, uh, Sam,

do we still have the number
of the guy who helped us

get rid of the pigeons?

- Murph. Yeah, sure, I'll give him a call.
- No!

Actually, let me think.
Do I still have it?

'Tis obvious what has happened.

Hours after Flower sucked off,

her favorite animal appear in barn.

It is just as Jay predicted.

Owl not sign.

Owl is Flower.

Flower is Owl!

Jay, we might have another problem.

Reincarnation!

♪ ♪

Okay, so it's kind of a
good news-bad news situation.

The good news is that Thor really took

your thoughts on reincarnation to heart.

Look like Flower little hungry.

Maybe you slay mouse to feed her?

Uh-huh. The bad news is,

Thor thinks that that owl is Flower.

JAY: He thinks that his girlfriend
reincarnated into an owl?

- A... a fully grown adult owl?
- And he's demanding

- that we don't move or in any way disturb it.
- Sam,

Mark's guys are on the clock.

They rented a bunch of
heavy construction equipment,

and we're losing money every
hour that we don't move that owl.

THORFINN: Samantha, please focus.

You have mice to slaughter.

Do you think Flower
the Owl would want mice

or maybe like a vegetarian option?

Is excellent question.

Sam, have Jay prepare both.

Do you actually think
that that's Flower?

No, but I don't want Thor
to stop dating an owl.

It's just that Thor is in an
extremely delicate place right now.

- Flower, I love you!
- [HOOTS]

You! I love you!

She seem confused.

[LAUGHS]: Classic Flower.

And I just don't think we
should rush the grieving process.

May-Maybe if we delayed
construction by like a week...

Okay. I'm calling it.

We can't always put the ghost stuff

before the people stuff.

So I'm sorry, Thor,

but we got to relocate the owl upstate.

You move Flower, I burn down barn.

Like how I burn down gazebo.

Now Thor's saying if we relocate Flower,

he's gonna burn down the barn.

Well, that's got to be a bluff.

[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING] [GRUNTING]

Oh, come on.

Is just a taste.

JAY: Okay, let me just sum up here.

A thousand-year-old Viking thinks that

his dead hippie
girlfriend is now a bird,

and if I move it to
achieve my lifelong dream,

he's gonna burn down my restaurant.

- That's well summarized.
- Mm-hmm.

If it helps, you've given Thor hope.

[LAUGHS] It doesn't.

Fix this, Sam.

I'm gonna go beg Mark to
let me ride the excavator,

'cause I really need a win today.

Flower hungry. Chop-chop.

It mean "move quickly"
but also describe action

you make when you decapitate mouse.

[SIGHS] This is bad.

Intolerable.

Why is that one just standing
in front of the television?

You there, hello?

- She likes the glow.
- Hey, could you scooch?

Dirk only has one cheek on the couch.

DIRK: It's kind of nice.

It's creating a breeze down Main Street.

- Nope.
- HETTY: Okay!

While it's been nice,

all of us being here together,

I think it's time for
some of us to return

to the dank pit from whence we came.

You heard her. Scram!

Sorry, but we're Pete's invited guests.

DIRK: Yeah, he wants us up here.

And it would be rude to leave.

- Yeah.
- Peter!

Why are we in the basement?

Because, thanks to you,
this is the one room

in the house that isn't teeming

with potato sack-wearing hobgoblins.

Peter, you must tell them to go.

One of them asked me to
scratch their back sores.

I didn't know what to
say. I did it. I panicked.

ISAAC: What if they're still
up there once enough time

has passed for it to be
appropriate to proceed

with an engagement
party? And, follow-up,

how-how-how long do we think that is?

Okay, I admit this hasn't been a
Club Med vacation for me either.

More like Sandals, no comment.

My fingers still smell weird.

I can't just tell them
to come back downstairs.

They'll be mad at me.

Well, if you don't,
then we'll be mad at you.

[SIGHS] Criminy, this
is one dill of a pickle.

- Pete.
- [GASPS] Oh, my...

Here's the deal.

They got to go.

Wait, what? You, you don't
want them up there either?

What are you doing down here?

Upstairs used to be the
place I could take a break.

My respite from those weirdos.

But now I have no sanctuary.

See? Even it can't stand
them. It's turning on its own.

NANCY: Look, Pete,

no matter what you do,

you're gonna piss someone off.

But if you piss me off, I'm gonna spit

cholera juice in your
mouth while you sleep.

Well, that's a horrifying
and clarifying thr*at.

Okay.

I'll talk to them.

JAY: Hey.

I just saw the bird
removal guy driving away.

Did you take care of it already?

Yep, the barn is now owl-free.

Best wife ever.

And-and Thor's okay?

He's not crushed that the Flowl's gone?

I'm combining "Flower" and "owl."

- Kind of clever.
- Eh, I give it a "B."

Can you just back up?

No, uh, Thor seems to be
in pretty good spirits.

Did they take it upstate?

A little more local than that.

Well, babe, we don't
want it to come back.

How-how local are we talking?

[OWL SCREECHES]

Pretty local.

[GASPS]

- What did Sam do this time?
- Oh, man.

- Jay is not happy.
- Stop it.

- You don't know them. They're ours.
- [OWL SCREECHES]

[GROANS] Well, tried to feed the Flowl.

Turns out it does not like soy mice.

Obviously.

Soy wreaks havoc on birds'

sensitive endocrine systems.

Oh, my God, Jay, are you okay?

No, I'm not okay, Sam.

I was att*cked in my own
home by a tiny dinosaur

and now I have to take
very specific antibiotics.

We're checking out and
we'd like a full refund.

Oh, gosh.

Was there some sort
of problem? [CHUCKLES]

- [OWL SCREECHING]
- Was it the heating?

Because I-I know that there
can be a bit of a draft.

No, it was the large bird of prey

living in the room next to us.

Well, our website does promise

an immersive experience
with the local fauna.

An immersive experience
with the local fauna

- is how I got cholera.
- JAY: We're sorry, ma'am.

And-and we're gonna take
care of the owl problem

and we are going to double

your Woodstone Rewards Points.

Forget it, we're leaving.

Oh, I know that look.

No, you don't.

Okay, babe, this is
getting kind of crazy.

I mean, this cannot go on.

Well, I-I'm sorry, you
can't just snap your fingers

and expect somebody to
move on when they've just

lost one of their best friends.

Whoa, I thought this is what you wanted.

You've always said your
mission is to help them move on.

It is what I want, but
that doesn't mean it's easy.

Babe, you don't really think

that that owl is Flower, do you?

No.

But I get why Thor wants it to be.

JAY: Aw, babe. It's great

you want to help Thor, but I think

what he really needs is help moving on.

- We're here for you.
- Go away.

PETE: Hello, everyone. Um...

I-I-I just wanted to say that I am, um,

so happy you all took me up on
my invitation to come upstairs.

Quit dithering and banish the monsters.

[PETE CHUCKLES]

And, um...

it has been great having you.

[RETCHES] Okay, uh,
here's the deal, you guys.

We kind of got a lot going on right now.

Um, Sam and Jay are fighting.

There's a gosh darn owl in the house.

Not to mention we just
lost our dear friend Flower.

She was the, the hippie
one with the glasses?

It doesn't matter, the point is...

We knew Flower.

- You did?
- Yeah, she visited us all the time.

At first, we mainly bonded over
communal living and open wounds,

but then... we became friends.

She was one of the kindest
people I've ever met.

She never treated us different.

She was a good one, and
we'll miss her very much.

CATHERINE: Yeah.

So what did you want to tell us, Pete?

Ah, cheese and crackers,
this is gonna be hard.

What Pete wanted to say was...

... we're having a memorial for Flower.

And we'd like to invite
you all to join us.

Because you...

are people.

Okay, that doesn't get me sucked off?!

That was growth.

SAMANTHA: Hey, Thor. Got a minute?

He's, uh, sitting over by the cage.

Oh.

Uh, hey, Thor.

I know yours was a brutal culture

that didn't care about
the suffering of others.

- Thank you.
- But I know you loved Flower.

Now, I didn't know her as
well as you did. I mean,

she got me high once, and I was
told that she watched basketball

near me on occasion, but from
everything I've heard about her,

she seems like a real free spirit.

So...

if this owl really is Flower,

then don't you think
that we owe it to her

to let her spirit be free?

Jay's right. I mean...

Flower was the happiest person I know.

And look at her. Does
she look happy to you?

No, she does not.

I think we both know what
we got to do, big guy.

Jay, what are you doing?

I'm patting his shoulder supportively.

Right?

Well, you would have been,
but he stood up a while ago

and now you're just
sort of slapping his ass.

THORFINN: Thor not mind.

Thor appreciate gesture.

Whatever. We're bonding.

TREVOR: Is that a mug sh*t?

Oh, it was the only photo of Flower

I could find on the Internet.

She was high, apparently,

and naked and tried to join

the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

Ah, that's our girl. [CHUCKLES]

Excuse me, everyone. Clink, clink. Um...

if Flower taught us
anything, it was to celebrate

life's happy moments.

She would not want this
to be a somber affair.

In fact, she might even want it to be

a combined memorial/engagement party.

Isaac, sit your ass down.
We'll do your thing next week.

We'll take it. [CHUCKLES]

It's actually my birthday next week.

Oh, come on.

Flower was one of the most
patient people I ever knew.

I mean, she would just
sit and listen for hours

as I talked about everything from

fly-fishing and traveler's checks

to orienteering and
international ATM fees.

[SIGHS] And I think
for most of those hours,

she was aware of what was going on.

Our girl was strong-willed,

single-minded in her focus.

She knew she was never
gonna catch that butterfly,

but, man,

did she never stop chasing it.

Well, I've only been here a short time,

compared to all of you,

and maybe loss still hits me harder

because I've had less of it.

But I have had some.

And I've lived long
enough to know to cherish

the special people who
come into your life.

Because before you
know it, they're gone.

After a millennium
trapped in this world,

Thor not expect much to change.

But then I meet Flower, and was like...

first light after months of...

sunless winters.

She taught Thor things he hadn't
learned in a thousand years

and positions unseen
in a thousand orgies.

That's... sweet.

THORFINN: I will miss her...

... forever.

[CHUCKLES]

THORFINN: Goodbye, Flower.

- [OWL SCREECHES]
- [JAY SCREAMS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]

So, are they just
upstairs all the time now,

the creepy basement ghosts?

You just whispered that
directly into one of their ears,

but, yes, I think so.

What did you just say, Pete?!

What? I didn't say anything.

You still wish it was just a
basement ghost that got sucked off?

What? No!

I thought we were past this.

What the hell?

That's very rude.

Yes, I heard it, too.

And on this day of
coming together. Shame,

Peter, shame.

Did you learn nothing today?

NANCY: All right, everyone.

Let's get out of here.

Back to the basement we go.

- All right.
- Aw.

Let's get out of here.

They're treating us like trash.

And we're not trash.

Right?

They are gonna curse your name
for the next 100 years, Pete,

but I had to do something.

I'll see you guys for
Bodices and Barons tonight?

[CHUCKLING] It's a clever little thing.