01x05 - Fair

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Life & Beth". Aired: March 18, 2022 – present.*
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Beth's seemingly ideal life is upended when a sudden incident force her to engage with her past.
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01x05 - Fair

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[person laughing]

[indistinct speech]

[dreamy ambient hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

BIG SEAN: ♪ Last night took an
I but tonight I bounce back ♪

♪ Wake up every morning ♪

♪ By the night, I count stacks ♪

♪ Knew that ass was real ♪

♪ When I hit, it bounce back ♪

You ain't getting checks.

♪ ♪

♪ Last night took an I but
tonight I bounce back ♪

♪ Boy, I been broke as hell ♪

♪ Cashed a check
and bounced back ♪

♪ D town, LAX, every
week I bounce back ♪

♪ If you a real one, then
you know how to bounce back ♪

f*ck you.

BIG SEAN: ♪ I woke
up in beast mode ♪

♪ With my girl, that's
beauty and the beast though ♪

♪ ♪

[groaning]

[phone buzzing]

[mumbling] Hello.

JOHN: Hi. Do you want a coffee?

What time is it?

JOHN: It's 5:50.

Actually, I already
got you a coffee.

[groans]

I would love a
coffee. JOHN: Great.

BIG SEAN: ♪ So last
night took an I ♪

♪ But tonight I bounce back ♪

♪ Boy, I been broke as hell ♪

♪ Cashed a check
and bounced back ♪

♪ D town, LAX, every
week I bounce back ♪

♪ If you a real one, then
you know how to bounce back ♪

♪ Bounce back, bounce ♪

♪ Bounce, bounce back, bounce ♪

♪ Bounce, bounce,
bounce, bitch, bounce ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ ♪

Morning. BETH: Morning.

- [sighs]
- How do you feel?

BETH: I'm thriving.

- Ready to work?
- f*ck yeah.

[percussive music]

♪ ♪

Wanna try it?

[indistinct conversation]

♪ ♪

God, you go. I'm on a break.

JOHN: Okay, okay, may I?

♪ ♪

Hmm.

- They're not my favorite.
- Yeah.

Grab a couple.

Okay.

- One.
- Oh my God.

- Two.
- Did you see all the water?

I did. And I felt the water.

Put it in here.

Don't release because
they'll explode.

[atmospheric acoustic pop music]

♪ ♪

- So.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- That was perfect.

And then if you
wanna be really pro,

- you can put them like that.
- In that way.

Like a pair of shoes.

I don't see how those are
shoes, but that's simple.

Um...

God, I just kind of wanna dunk
my head in here right now.

Did you go that hard last night?

No, but it was
kind of a rough...

A rough night, just... yeah.

Well, please don't dunk
your head in there.

That would pollute
the whole basin.

Okay, yeah, and I wouldn't
wanna mess up my hair.

I can feel it looks
really amazing right now.

It looks pretty bad because
of the dirt and sweat.

- Yeah.
- God, what are these monsters?

That's celery root.

That is the unsung hero
of root vegetables.

Wow. It's an honor.

I hope some of this is
useful for your job.

Yeah, learning anything
is useful, right?

Well, come on, I'll show you how

to clean out the chicken coop.

Is it okay on your back?

- Yeah.
- JOHN: This is precious compost.

- Oh, yeah.
- It seems like precious.

What's the smell?

- Uh, probably ammonia.
- Yeah.

JOHN: Don't you
think it's funny that

their poop and their eggs
come out of the same hole?

- I didn't know that.
- That is... that's funny.

JOHN: Do you think
this is a good idea?

Cleaning up the chicken sh*t?

We're obviously
attracted to each other,

but we work together.

Um.

No, I know you
have a girlfriend.

Yeah. Yeah, no.

So yeah, I'm happy
to be friends.

- JOHN: Yeah.
- Yeah.

- JOHN: I thought maybe...
- No, no, I'm happy to...

JOHN: I was gonna
say just friends.

- Friends, right.
- Yeah, till the end.

[chickens clucking]

Man, smelly...

Yeah, just group all this
together into one big pile,

and then we can easily scoop
it into the wheelbarrow.

- Okay.
- Just make a central pile.

Yeah.

Thanks for coming
to Elena's party.

It was fun.

Yeah, I think it
meant a lot to her,

even though she's
never met you before,

and she's probably forgotten
about the whole event.

[laughs]

Yeah, it was nice.

It was nice meeting, you
know, almost everybody.

Does Katie ever do
this stuff with you?

Katie doesn't like the outdoors.

- SKYLER: Hey, John.
- Hey, Skyler.

SKYLER: Hey, uh, I saw the
boat and, yes, it's good.

You're the best, man.

SKYLER: Uh, am I gonna see
you at the fair tonight?

Yeah, you know it.

SKYLER: All right.
See you there, buddy.

See you there.

The fair.

Yeah, there's this
fair we do every year.

No, I know, I know.

- Like, what...
- [coughing]

- Ew.
- I'm sorry.

Do you want some water?

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna go, so.

- You want your water?
- BETH: That's for you, keep it.

Oh, wow. Thanks.

- What am I doing?
- What am I doing?

MAYA: What are you doing?

I don't know.

- He has a girlfriend.
- I know.

- Do you?
- Yes.

Okay, Because that's exactly
how my marriage broke up.

I know. At this point,

I'm just following him
around like some sad...

- SHLOMO: Loser.
- Okay, Shlomo.

I, like, really had it together
up until two weeks ago.

So please just...

Beth, you know he's right.

What happened last night?

It was disturbing.

- Is that it?
- Yeah, that is it.

Well, I need more details
than that, come on.

You really don't wanna...

CHARLES: What are
you talking about?

- Um, absolutely nothing.
- Ew, mind your business.

Hey, Beth. BETH: What's up?

WILL: Heard about
your mama. I'm sorry.

- Thanks, Will.
- "I heard about your mama."

You don't give a damn about
her or her mother, phony-ass.

And PS, do not bring Charles
back here hopped up on sugar,

talking about v*olence
and video games.

All right.

But you know I know you
give him soda, right?

I can't believe it, my own
son... you little narc.

No, I am not.

- No, I am not.
- What did I tell you?

That snitches get stitches.

MAYA: You know it.

- My parenting is in question?
- Really?

- SHLOMO: They're on.
- Who that?

This is Shlomo.

Shlomo - I'm Shlomo.

- Slo-mo.
- No, Dad, Shlomo.

Shlomo...

Shlomo.

Huh. Come on.

Let's get, 'cause I
ain't got time for this.

Ew, I married that.

Anyway, girl, we're about
to do this bris on Zoom.

- SHLOMO: My nephew.
- Oh, very nice.

- SHLOMO: Yeah, thank you.
- Congratulations.

All right, babe.

Weird if I stick around?

No, come on.

PARENT: All right. I
think he's had enough.

We're gonna wrap things up here.

Thanks, guys.

This tradition is f*cked.

Not my favorite ritual,

but they all have their purpose.

So you're, like, really Jewish.

I only really started
observing again two years ago.

BETH: Oh, yeah? What...

Like, what brought
you back to it?

Oh, my dad d*ed,

and I didn't really know
what to do with myself.

Oh.

I like all the rules
Judaism gave me.

How long you sit shiva,
what to say, what to eat.

Rending of the garment.
I mean, all of it.

Yeah.

Um, my mom was...

No, she converted to
Judaism, like, for my dad.

So I don't think she'd
really be a candidate

for all of that, you know.

SHLOMO: No, shiva is not about
the dead person or even God.

It's all for the mourners.

By day five of my dad's,

I thought I was
ready to be done.

Then day six came, and
I couldn't stop weeping.

It's like a prescription.
Like antibiotics.

Even though you feel better,
you have to finish 'em.

- Right.
- And you can't drink on them.

"Will you guys come
meet me at Maya's?

I'm so bored". Beth,
I'm on this text chain.

- Okay, I'm sorry.
- I'm not bored.

I wrote that earlier
when I was bored.

- Rude.
- Hey, is that Beth?

Oh, ah, look at that.
I thought I heard you

- in my house.
- Hey.

GRANDPA DON: How you doing
with everything, girl?

Oh, you know, better
than I should be.

Oh, f*ck all that.

No, such thing. Slo-mo, huh?

- Shlomo.
- Shlomo.

Look here, I'm going out
tonight, so don't wait up.

It is Motown quiz night
at the rec center.

And I will be winning that $100.

Get 'em done.

All right, Pop.

Girl, he ain't gonna win sh*t.

But, um, you know we still
gotta talk about last night.

No, I don't... MAYA: What?

I'm so tired, and
I don't wanna...

SHLOMO: It's fine.

I have to prepare for
the sabbath anyway.

- BETH: Okay.
- Shabbat shalom, ladies.

And also, with you.

- So, Travis.
- [groans]

MAYA: Come on.

- What do you mean piles?
- Like, I mean piles.

Like piles, like to the
ceiling of the sh*t.

Yeah, we don't care
about the piles.

Okay. We wanna
know about the sex.

- Was it like f*cking a god?
- No, it was...

It was disgusting. It wasn't...

- No.
- Yes.

- No, okay, this isn't fun.
- No, we want hot details.

No, I know that.

I'm sorry that I can't
deliver that to you,

but it was like a really
f*cked up experience, okay?

We shouldn't have... our bodies,
like, didn't belong together.

It was like a sea
otter f*cking, like,

a slab of marble.

Okay, so who are you
in this situation?

- Obviously she's a sea otter.
- I'm the fricking sea otter.

- What are you talking about?
- JESS: I don't know.

- Why would I be the marble?
- I don't know.

There's no world I'm the marble.

- Sea otters are kinda hot.
- What?

- There is, like, a guy that...
- [gasps]

Okay, this is what I mean.

No, no, no, but it's nothing.

I think it's nothing. I just...

You got, like, a little blushy.

- No, shut up, it's not...
- She's smiling.

- No.
- Are you guys going to the fair?

Oh, yeah. The fair is tonight.

- Yeah.
- I should bring the kids.

- Yes.
- Uh, I'm too tired.

- Oh.
- Really?

I think I'm gonna tell
my kids it's canceled.

Yeah, Liz made it an assignment

- for them to go, but f*ck that.
- I'm not doing that.

All right, yeah, yeah,
yeah, enough of that.

What's going on? Did you
talk about Travis' d*ck yet?

- No, no!
- She's giving us nothing.

- What?
- Come on, we've been waiting.

No, I'm not going to.

No, can we talk
about you and Shlomo?

These two? No, you
guys have chemistry.

MAYA: Okay, all right,
yeah. We got chemistry.

Let me just say this

twice last night,
once this morning.

Okay? Twice last
night, once... girl.

Yes. MAYA: Come on.

- Tell us everything.
- Beth is bumming us out.

Listen, let me just
tell you something.

He is a communicator.

La-la-la-la, la, la-la-la, okay?

- What does that mean, though?
- He talks dirty.

I knew that. I love that.

It's not even just that.

It's like, I tell him what
to do, and he does it.

He asks me what do I
want, and he does it.

JESS: Oh, my God. JEN:
Oh, damn, that's good.

I can't even imagine

just to like say what
you actually want.

- No, I tell Bryan everything.
- Oh, yeah.

I can't wait for Jeff to
figure it out down there.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah, what's weird for
me is that actually like,

it's like your dad is
like reading my mind,

- so I don't have to say sh*t...
- [squawking]

No, no, he's like, you
know, he's just a wizard.

It's not my fault.

No, but seriously, like sex

is really hard for
girls for a long time.

Yeah, sometimes forever.

[sighs]

[cheerful carnival music]

♪ ♪

Um, excuse me.

Hi, where'd you
get that corn dog?

Brought it from home.

JOHN: Make some kind
of a tart, berry tart,

or a savory tart with
them. They kinda burst...

Give me all your snap
peas, and no one gets hurt.

Beth. Hey.

- It's a carrot.
- I know, I wasn't afraid.

Oh. Hey.

You made it.

Hi, yeah, I made it.

- It's so nice to see you.
- Katie here?

No, it's mostly outside, so.

- That's the thing with fairs.
- Yeah.

That's the thing.

So where's... oh, Grandpa's
famous blackberries, right?

- Um.
- Mind if I...

Yeah, you're not
really supposed to

eat the display, actually.

- There's three left.
- There are six judges.

Right. Cool.

They can share them.

Should we go hang?

- Yeah.
- Can you leave the display?

- I think so.
- Yeah.

Ooh, this looks good, right?

Is it part of the contest?

Yeah, we're not supposed to
be doing that... or that.

You shouldn't even
be touching them.

- Are we gonna get in trouble?
- Yeah.

[gentle acoustic music]

♪ ♪

Oh, my gosh, the water
balloon race game.

- Should we play?
- This game doesn't hold

the same emotional
weight for me as you.

That sounds like a yes.

Oh, look at the
happy couple here.

Oliver Twist needs a friend.

Water racer, water
chaser, what do you say?

- How much?
- CARNIVAL BARKER: $5 a head.

- Bargain.
- Got it?

- Okay.
- Oh, beautiful.

- Okay.
- Three players.

- Three players.
- Okay, You ready?

- All right.
- A-one, a-two, spray.

Ooh!

Hey, his stream is
clearly faster than ours.

Oh, my God, oh, my
God, look at that.

This is bullshit.

- This is bullshit.
- This isn't fair.

Yes! Suck it, nerds.

Oh, okay. Really?

CARNIVAL BARKER: Winner, winner,
chicken dinner, my friend.

Where did you get that corn dog?

- From your mom.
- My mom is dead.

Good.

You didn't really win that bear.

Yeah, that bear is a lie, and
I hope it gives you a rash.

- f*ck you, you fat lepers.
- Okay.

Does that make you feel good,

to be rude to
strangers and cheat?

'Cause you... I know you come
from an unstable home, but I...

- f*ck you.
- Whatever, hag.

- Let's go, let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.

BETH: Do you hear him?
JOHN: He's not worth it.

JOHN: Let's find you a corn dog.

BETH: Please, let's
find me a corn dog.

I mean, really, if you think
about it, this fair blows.

Limited secret corn
dogs, no roller coasters.

Where are you even supposed
to get fingered anymore?

Excuse me?

The movie "Fear."

Missed that one.

Stop it. Are you serious?

Reese Witherspoon?

Mark Wahlberg?

- Mark Wahlberg gets fingered?
- I'll have to check that out.

- No, we have to watch that.
- I mean "Fear" or something.

I don't know if
you like watching.

Yeah, I do. I don't have a TV,

but we could watch
it on a computer

if you download it somewhere
first with internet.

- Easy.
- Yeah, I have Wi-Fi access.

Oh, my God, I mean, "Fear"?
You've never seen "Fear"?

God. JOHN: I'm going to.

Prime Witherspoon.

You've ever seen "Brown
Bunny"? [laughter]

Oh God, I hate
this. I hate this.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

JOHN: Don't look.
BETH: Okay, okay.

JOHN: Whoa.

Don't look left or
right. That's my advice.

Okay.

If you close your
eyes, it's okay.

♪ ♪

No corn dogs, but
I got two waters.

- Oh, great.
- Um, I will be right back.

I'll hold the waters
and wait right here.

Liz.

Oh, my God.

- How are you?
- Um, I'm okay, I just...

Um, I'm just in town.

My mom d*ed. Did you know that?

I didn't. I'm sorry.

BETH: Yeah. Um, it's fine.

What about you? Is
your family here?

Yeah, my, uh, my son's around
here somewhere actually.

- BETH: Oh, wow.
- Yeah, I have a son.

He's like... BETH: Yeah.

- Yeah.
- That's so cool.

Do you wanna get like a coffee
sometime or like, you know.

Sweetheart.

This is mommy's very old friend.

- This lady screamed at me.
- BOTH: What?

You said I come from
an unstable home.

- Um.
- Excuse me?

- And you att*cked me.
- I did not.

Because you're a bitch.

Okay, all right. Beth.

He's obviously a little drunk.

Okay? No, look,

- your son cheated, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

- You cheated.
- BETH: You cheated.

- You cheated.
- Beth.

BETH: It was you that cheated.

- You cheated.
- Beth.

No, listen, do you wanna
just exchange information?

Like we could just get coffee

or a drink. We could
like clear it all up?

- You need to leave, Beth.
- You need to leave now.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- LIZ: That's enough.

- Okay, okay, great.
- I'm gonna leave.

Bye. I mean it.

Yes, I'm leaving. Okay.

Do you know where
they have corn dogs?

I'm leaving.

- Okay.
- I'm leaving.

Bye. Bye.

I drank both waters.

- BETH: Can we leave?
- Yeah.

We should go check out my boat.

- Great.
- Free corn dogs here.

Get your free corn dogs here.

- So that's your boat?
- Yeah.

It's great, right?

It's great.

JOHN: I love it.

Mm-hmm.

JOHN: It's really relaxing
just to spend a day on it.

[soft music]

Do you wanna walk back
through the woods?

- Yeah.
- It's nicer.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

BETH: Yeah, no,
wait. I can't, um...

My cell phone d*ed. Can
you use your phone light?

Mine doesn't have a
flashlight, but it's okay.

- No, okay.
- Uh, actually, it's not okay

'cause I can't see anything,
and I don't know where I am.

Can you stop walking?

It's okay. I know these woods.

I've lived here my whole life.

Yeah, but, you
know, I feel scared.

I don't feel okay about it.

- It's okay, it's okay.
- No, I...

Can you... can we get a light?

I'm not walking if I can't see.

I've got you. Hey, trust me.

♪ ♪

It's okay.

YOUNG JANE: Come on,
Bethy, get in the pool.

YOUNG BETH: It's not our pool.

YOUNG JANE: The Solbergs
said we could use it anytime,

and this is anytime. Come on in.

- Come on!
- Fine.

- YOUNG JANE: Yes.
- [laughs]

YOUNG JANE: It's not
cold. You little baby.

You little baby, you're so cold.

YOUNG BETH: I am a little baby.

[laughter]

YOUNG JANE: Don't get dizzy.

Pull your legs up. Okay.

Trust me. I got you.

- I do.
- Straighten your legs.

- I trust you.
- There you go.

Yeah. And just float.

Oh, is this like someone's lawn?

I know the guy who lives here.

He's never home.

BETH: Oh, okay.

I called you from right
here the other night.

I sat there.

You called me?

They have great reception here.

I didn't know you called me.

- Your voicemail isn't set up.
- I know.

Might have been
over here, actually.

[sighs] Wow.

Are you sure nobody's home?

He's never there.

It's a waste of really
excellent reception.

Should we just
undress ourselves?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- I think that's better.
- Yeah.

- It's easier.
- Here.

- [indistinct chatter]
- Can I put my shirt on it?

- Yeah.
- You could put anything on it.

♪ ♪

This is called a wrap dress.

- Oh.
- Because it wraps around.

- Oh, yeah.
- It's kind of like a robe.

- I don't know, yeah.
- I guess it is.

I'm gonna take my boots off.

- Yeah.
- [sighs]

I'm gonna take my bra off.

♪ ♪

[zipper pulls]

♪ ♪

Would you... would you do that

but, like, side to side instead?

Yeah.

Just like that.

Oh, wait, would you go
back to doing the thing

I just said when I
said just like that?

Yeah, that's perfect.

It's not as easy to put
on as you would think.

What are you thinking about?

Ticks.

- Tits?
- Ticks.

- Dicks?
- Ticks.

GUY ON PORCH: Ticks!

BETH: Oh, my God!

JOHN: f*ck, f*ck,
oh, f*ck. [laughter]

Oh. [Laughter]

It's okay. It's totally...

[laughing] Oh, my God.

Wait, let me just...

[laughter] What the f*ck?

Oh, God. I can't believe that.

The woman who lives there is
selling her blueberry bushes.

I'm gonna buy a
couple next month.

- Yeah, yeah.
- No, I-I really, I can't...

I can't believe that.

I know, she's practically
giving them away.

- No, no, no.
- But that was insane.

I mean, wait, I'm
sorry. I'm... I'm...

- I'm, like, not okay.
- With what?

Like, with... with... you know.

Like, I'm actually not okay.

Like, you said that...
You said he wasn't home.

JOHN: I thought he wasn't.

Yeah, but he... but he was,

he was home, and you...

You said he wasn't,
and I believed you.

I'm sorry, I thought
he wasn't there.

Right, right, but you...

That was unsafe.

Just everything tonight
was... Has been unsafe.

- Beth, I'm sorry.
- I didn't think he was home.

- No, no, I... but I... but I...
- You told me to trust you,

and I like totally trusted
you, and I felt close to you.

- I thought he wasn't home.
- Right, okay.

You keep saying that. Okay.

You keep repeating
yourself. I hear you.

You lied.

And you have a f*cking
girlfriend, okay?

You have a girlfriend,
and what am I doing?

What am I even doing other than
becoming my f*cking mother?

f*ck! f*ck, John!

- Are you a sex addict?
- No.

- No, are you?
- Are you a sex addict?

No, I've gone years without sex.

No, tell me the truth!

Is that like your friend's
house and he watches

and he like films it?
Tell me the f*cking truth.

- No, not at all.
- You have to tell me.

No, he does have binoculars,
but he's a bird watcher.

He has specific plants
to attract hummingbirds.

What the f*ck are
you talking about?

What does that mean?

Beth, I thought he wasn't home.

No, but you said you knew
he wasn't, and he was.

I want you to be my girlfriend.

What the f*ck are you
talking about, John?

Or you're just saying to me
sh*t to me, so I feel things.

That's what you're doing.

You're just saying sh*t to me

because you want
me to trust you,

and you want me to need you.

Well, f*ck you because
I see you coming, okay?

I see you coming a
mile a f*cking way.

So nice try. Nice try.

- I thought he wasn't home.
- No.

Stop repeating yourself.
You keep saying that.

You keep saying that.

I hear you, okay? I'm leaving.

Beth.

No.

[soft tense music]

f*ck. John!

Beth?

I don't know where I am.

- I'll take you to your car.
- It's this way.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry.

[slow rhythmic acoustic music]

♪ ♪

AFIE JURVANEN: ♪ I'm
lost in the light ♪

♪ I pray for the night ♪

♪ To take me ♪

♪ To take you too ♪

♪ ♪

♪ After so many words ♪

♪ Still nothing's heard ♪

♪ Don't know what we should do ♪

♪ So if someone could see
me now, let them see you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Was my greatest thrill ♪

♪ When we just stood still ♪

♪ You let me hold your
hand till I had my fill ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Even counting sheep ♪

♪ Don't help me sleep ♪

♪ I just toss and turn
right there beside you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So if someone
could help me now ♪

It's so easy.
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