- So what's this called?
- Let me guess...
Burnt figgy pudding
left in the oven.
- 1970s Christmas-era lights
short-circuited
and burst into flames.
Call 'em Ho-Ho-Homewreckers.
- Guy tries to climb down
the chimney, gets stuck.
- I bet that's the most
common one.
- It's a classic.
- Take it out of your mouth!
Take it out!
- Whoa.
- Be cool!
Hey, how's...
Season's greetings.
- How are ya?
Everything okay?
- Did you call the fire d...
- I called, I called, yeah.
- Mrs. Santa called.
- Is there's an emergency?
- There's an emergency.
- What happened?
- Yuletide stuff... you know.
- Yuletide?
- You know, celebrating
the season.
- You want us to come in, sir?
- Please come in.
Welcome to Santa's workshop.
- All righty.
What do we got here?
- Having a little party, huh?
- Welcome to our humble
Christmas cottage...
The land of magic and dreams.
- Got an emergency call.
What's the problem?
- That would be about Norman.
- Is that Norman?
- No, that's J.P.
He's just chillaxin'.
- Then... where's Norman?
- Ho ho! Wasted!
- He had too much fondue.
We think he...
O.D.ed.
- What was in the fondue?
- Oh, Swiss cheese,
white wine, garlic,
uh... 25 hits of ecstasy.
- That is a molly jolly
Christmas right there!
Let me catch... Norman.
- Thanks, Granny.
- Hey, man, come here.
Come here!
- What kinda party is this?
- It's a Santa-themed
swinger's party.
- This is a Christmas orgy?
- We drink eggnog and have sex.
Okay.
- Do you like my wreath?
My mom made it.
- You know what? Norman's fine.
You know, just, uh,
make sure he's not dehydrated
and no more fondue!
- Well, you're all welcome
to stick around for a while.
- Why don't we mingle
our ho-ho-hos
with your hose, hose, hose?
- No, no, no. Dash away, all!
- Everybody's welcome, you guys.
- I'll stuff your stockings!
- I think you came on
a little too strong.
- Hey!
- Ho ho ho, huh?
Another year and it still fits.
- It's a Christmas miracle!
- Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Merry Christmas!
- Ho ho ho ho!
- Oh... whoa!
- Hey!
- God's sakes, will you people
give this Christmas
bullshit a rest?
I'm trying to do
your year-end evaluations,
and I can't hear myself think!
- Okay.
- Ho ho ho, boy, huh?
Who pissed in his Cheerios?
Noice!
- I'm in favor of the music,
guys, just so you know.
- Hey, Chief, you ever consider
giving him this week off?
He's always a wet blanket
on the holidays.
- Yeah.
He's always in a bad mood,
and it's always when he does
our year-end reviews.
Every December, we get
Scrooged on the write-up.
- We gotta do something
about it.
Eddie! Hey, Eddie, come here.
You get a present yet
for the Yankee Swap? - Yeah.
I found a half-empty
bottle of dandruff shampoo
in my locker... I'm gonna pop
an ugly green bow on it.
- Okay. Well, you know what?
I'm gonna at lunchtime
and get a gift.
I can get two
and say one's from you.
- Oh, cool... you can wrap mine
and hand it out for me too.
- Ha ha. You don't hand out
a gift at the Yankee Swap.
Each person picks a number,
then they pick a gift.
So let's say I go first
and you go second.
I open my gift,
then you open yours.
You have the option
of deciding to keep your gift
or stealing mine, but look out...
Anyone who hasn't
picked behind us can pick a gift
of the person in front of them.
So interestingly, the last pick
is often the best pick,
and the first pick
is the worst pick.
Are you listening to me?
- You're especially
humbuggy this year.
What's wrong?
- Look at these Christmas cards
from my ex-girlfriends.
Look how happy they are
with their happy husbands
and their happy kids.
- Oh, yeah, Carla,
the comptroller's office...
I like her.
Oh... Jasmine.
She was too good for you.
I don't know why
you're getting so worked up.
Half these kids
aren't even yours.
- That's very funny, Terry.
The fact is, all these
women asked me to marry them,
but I turned them all down.
- Yeah, sure you did.
- I did.
And every year on Christmas,
they send me these cards
to remind me
of what I don't have.
- You know what?
You have a bad case
of the holiday blues.
- Maybe I do have
the holiday blues, Terry.
Or maybe it's that the more
obnoxiously jolly you become,
the more obnoxiously crusty
I have to be
to create balance
in the universe.
- Like Batman and the Joker.
- Exactly.
Wait... which one am I?
- The Joker, of course.
- But he's the jolly one.
- No, he's the bad guy...
Like you. - You think Batman
is jollier than the Joker?
When's the last time
you saw Batman smile?
- I don't hang out with Batman,
so I can't tell you.
- Maybe it was at The Super
Friends Yankee Swap
because he had the last pick!
- Okay, great.
Go do your evaluations,
and go easy on my crew.
- They're my crew too.
- Merry Christmas, Eddie!
- Eh!
Oh! - Look at all this stuff.
The kids're gonna go nuts!
- And we might just b*at
our Toy Drive record.
- Whoa! Let me see that.
- Oh, I forgot.
Andy likes dolls.
- No! I mean, yes, but...
look at this one.
- "Public defender Darla."
So what? - Look closer.
It's supposed to say
Public Defender Darla,
but thanks to a disgruntled
print shop employee,
a handful of these babies
made it out
with the box misspelled.
- Oh, pubic defender Darla!
Ha ha ha! That's awesome!
- It also makes her tag line
especially naughty.
- Oh, dude...
"She'll get you off!"
- Whoever dropped that off
had no idea
how valuable it was.
- Why, how valuable is it?
- We're talking
this valuable, baby. - $15,000?
- Wait... what?
- 15 grand?
We're selling it, right?
- No, you guys.
It's not ours to sell.
Someone gave this
as a donation for a child.
- Are you kidding me?
We're gonna give it
to some drooling kid so he can
give it a dumb haircut?
- Hey, we can just take that
money and replace that one.
- Ooh!
- That is not happening.
- How 'bout this...
We put it with the other toys.
If no kid picks it up,
then we sell it,
and the proceeds go towards
upgrading the station.
Like with a Christmas party.
- Hey, sounds good!
- I don't know, guys.
- I'll take that, Luce.
- Give me the doll, Andy!
- We'll sell it!
- It's worth 15 grand!
- Give it back!
- It's for the...
- Give me the doll!
- Just look at yourselves.
You are everything
that's wrong with Christmas.
Fighting over a doll.
Who's not even that hot.
I'll remember this when
I fill out your evaluations.
Hope you all enjoy
getting lumps of coal
in your stockings.
- Whew! Tell you what,
if we don't inject
some comfort and joy into Cap,
we're all gonna take it
up the chimney this year.
- We need a Christmas miracle.
- You said it.
- Things were lookin'
mighty grim
for our firefighters.
They needed to lift
Captain Penisi's
holiday spirits... and fast.
And what about
that valuable doll?
I mean, sh*t, talk about
an ethnical conundrum.
Ha. I don't envy Andy,
Lucy, Ike, or Granny.
I wonder how it'll all work out.
- You know, guys,
$15,000 split three ways
is a lotta money!
It's like 4 grand a guy.
- No, it's exactly $5,000.
- Whatever.
- Can you not do math?
- Yes, I can do math.
I just can't do math
and wink at the same time.
- What are you winkin' for?
- Just sayin'...
It's a lotta money, boys,
it's almost like
between 4 and 5 grand apiece.
- It's not between that.
- It's $5,000 exactly.
- Spilt three ways, evenly.
We'll figure out
the exact numbers later.
Hey!
- What are we gonna do
about Cap?
How do you inject
the Christmas spirit
into someone
who hates Christmas?
- We need to remind him what
Christmas is really all about.
- Hey, how we lookin'?
Are we gonna break
the Toy Drive record this year?
- I bet we get
300 families this year.
- That's why we do it.
Spreading the Christmas
spirit, right?
Yeah! - Speaking of which,
we got a family
coming over here.
Their Christmas tree
caught on fire.
Burnt down half their house.
- Oh...
- Burnt up all the presents
for their kid.
So we're gonna let the little
fellow come over here
and pick out some toys.
It's gonna be
a beautiful moment.
- That sounds really
Christmassy.
- Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
- I think... so?
- Oh, shh, here he is.
- Okay. What do you want?
- We know you're busy,
but we wanted you to witness
this beautiful display
of Yuletide generosity.
- And goodwill
to the less fortunate.
- And tidings of great joy.
- And tidings...
Shepherds flocked to...
- Okay.
- Here we go, guys.
- Ooh!
- Oh, for the less fortunate,
you said.
- Maybe it's a rental.
- Oh, boy.
The kid from the well.
It's Hunter.
- What's up, losers?
No such things as Santa, tubby.
Sorry about the fire.
- Oh, thank you.
You know, it's been
so hard on Hunter
commuting to the lake house
these last few days.
- Lake house.
Do they know
how the fire started?
- Oh, it was Hunter.
Yeah, he put an M-80
in a decorative angel.
- Whew! Kids!
- It's gonna get hard.
- Yeah.
- 'Sup, troll doll?
You wanna fight?
- I... don't wanna
fight a child.
- These toys suck.
- Well, I didn't make 'em.
- I guess I could wrap
this in tinfoil
and throw it in the microwave.
- No, no, no, no.
- Look how stupid it is.
It's worthless
on the collectible circuit.
- Don't crush the box!
Please don't crush the box!
- Hey, this baby cries,
so you could take it
and you could set it on fire or
throw it off a roof or eat it.
- Whatevs.
I'm out. Peace!
Come on, Mom! I'm hungry!
Now!
- Okay, honey!
Thank you for your generosity!
- Hey.
- You're welcome, ma'am.
- Wow, you guys,
that was beautiful.
Warms the cockles of my heart.
Don't bother me again.
- Knock, knock.
Hey, I need your finger.
- Why, you gonna try
and make me fart?
- Ha ha, good one.
Come on, let's go.
- Oh, I see.
I have to stop what I'm doing
to help you wrap a gag gift
for your dumb Yankee Swap?
- It's not a gag gift.
It's an awesome gift.
And don't ask me
to tell you what it is,
'cause I'm not gonna do it.
It's a bidet.
- It sh**t water up your butt?
- Yeah.
It's a Sunny Tunnel Bidet.
Vicky got me one last month...
Changed my life.
There is nothing more soothing
that sh**ting warm water
up your hoo-hoo.
And my toilet paper bills?
Never been lower.
This baby pays for itself.
- What are you,
in the pocket of Big Bidet?
- I started out at 85 degrees
and then I lowered it
to a nice 82 degrees.
Mmm. That's the sweet spot.
- That's absurd... the human
rectum cannot differentiate
between 85 and 82 degrees.
- My rectum
can tell the different.
- No, it can't!
Assholes don't have feelings.
Get out of my office.
- Merry Christmas,
Edward Penisi.
- There's glitter everywhere
from your g*dd*mn ribbon!
- We have to find a way
to help Cap.
- Hey, how 'bout this?
20 years ago at Christmas,
Cap delivered a baby when
a woman was stuck in traffic.
What if we found that kid,
brought him to the station,
then we have a heartwarming
Christmas reunion.
- That's a really good idea.
- I bet you anything
Granny's trying to cut Lucy in
on a two-way deal
to get that Darla doll.
- You're being paranoid, man.
That's not what they're...
- Wait a sec.
Are you teaming up with them?
Are you trying to
cut me outta the score?
- You need to calm down.
- No, you need to calm down.
- You're jumpier than a
Pepper Jack's whore right now.
You need to reel it in!
- Hey, guys.
Granny has a great idea.
- Does it involve
waiting until I fall asleep
and then smothering me
with a pillow
to take that Darla doll?
- Damn it, Andy, no!
- Granny thinks that if
we can find the baby
that Cap delivered 20 years ago,
it might just warm
his icy little heart.
- That's a great idea!
- It was a good idea.
Turns out the kid got nailed
on various narcotic charges
and then fled to Sweden
to join a doomsday cult.
- Look at that... in Sweden they
call it a "duumsdoy kolt."
- Cap wouldn't know
what the kid looked like
20 years from now...
We could just get any dude
to come in here
and pretend to be that baby.
- Lucy McConky.
That's a good idea.
- Lucy McConky's biggest fault
is her refusal
to show proper respect
when addressing her captain.
- Uncle Eddie!
Get your ass down here.
It's a Christmas miracle!
- Here he is.
- Who? Who he?
- Him! He who you delivered
as a baby
when his mom was stuck
in traffic, remember?
- Captain Penisi,
great to see you again.
Mark Budmartin.
- You're the...
little Budmartin baby?
Well, look at you.
You're all grown up!
My God!
What are you doin' here? - Well,
sometimes I...
get into a real bad funk
during the holidays. - I do too.
- This morning, I found myself
standing on the edge
of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge
looking down,
thinking about cashing in.
- Oh...
- But then I thought,
"Firefighter Penisi
risked his life
"in the middle of traffic
to bring me into this world.
I can't let him down!"
So I got off that bridge,
and the first thing I did
was buy a scratch-off lottery
ticket,
and guess what. - What?
- I won $100,000,
which I'm going to use
to go to astronaut school
and be the first man on Mars!
- Oh!
- I wrote that part.
- Yeah, no sh*t.
- Seeing you here today
makes me truly believe
that you made a huge mistake.
- A... what's that now?
- Yeah. You really
should have jumped.
- Wha...
- Get lost... loser.
- Son of a bitch, Cap.
- How could you do that?
- That was the boy
you brought into this world,
as far as you know!
- Do you really think
I wouldn't know
that the baby I delivered
fled to Sweden
and joined a "duumsdoy kolt"?
- Oops.
- I was gonna let you off easy
on those evaluations.
But after that, I'm cranking
it up full blast.
- No!
- Cap...
Astronaut school, dude?
- Who knew that he would
keep such close tabs
on the baby he delivered?
- Huh. Hey, guys.
Where's the Darla doll?
- What do you mean?
- What?
- We put it right here,
and now it's gone.
So which one of you took it?
- Don't look at me.
I'm the one that wanted
to give it away.
- So that means
one of you took the doll.
- That's exactly what the real
doll thief would say, Granny.
- Which is precisely what the
actual doll thief would say,
Andy! - What?
- Which is undoubtedly
what the true doll thief
would say, Ike. - Me?!
- Yeah, you.
- Obviously!
- No, it ain't!
- You guys!
What happened
to the Christmas spirit?
- The deal was we were gonna
split that doll three ways!
That's over 4 grand each!
- 5 grand.
- I want that doll on the table
in three minutes.
- I want it in 30 seconds.
- Damn it, I didn't take it!
- I didn't take it either!
- Liar!
- Well, if that ain't
a heapin' pile of humbug stew,
I don't know what is.
What are the odds that the Eddie
and the Darla doll situations
would hit their lowest points
at the exact same time?
Ah, what a world.
I sure hope they can
still fix this.
- Hey, guys.
Time for the Yankee Swap.
- But what about Uncle Eddie?
- Look, I have been trying
to shove Christmas cheer
down that guy's throat
for 25 years...
He's too far gone.
Come on, it's Christmas Eve!
How 'bout I read "'Twas the
Night Before Christmas"?
You love when I do that.
- It just doesn't feel right
without Uncle Eddie here.
- You're right.
But what else can we do?
- Yeah.
Ohh.
- Cap, we know you hate
Christmas,
but we want you to join us
for the Gift Swap.
- You think that'll get you
a good evaluation?
Bah! - Eddie, the Yankee Swap
is a station event,
and you're gonna join us.
And that's an order!
- Let the swap begin!
- I got number one.
- Ah!
- Oh!
- Yeah!
- You know what,
sometimes that's good.
- He briefed me. First is worst.
- Ah...
- Not all the time.
- Uh... whoa.
Two tickets to Seattle/
Arizona, 50-yard line.
- Whoa!
- Wow.
- Whose gift is this?
Who did this?
- I danced this corporate gig
and I hit it off
with the owner's wife, so...
- I can't wait
for one of you guys to snag
these away from me.
- Hey, you never know,
though... I'm next!
Yoink! Cool!
Chubby's Exotic Dance Emporium...
One VIP lap dance.
Not sure I need this, but...
No, no, it's good for research.
- I know how this works, Ike.
- No, I'm keepin' it.
- Okay.
- Oh, look, I'm next.
This one looks fun.
"One free depilation
at Alohair Beauty Salon."
- Get it over with, then.
That's your family business.
- What're you talking about?
Merry Christmas. Who's next?
- Let me show you dum-dums
how to pick a real gift.
- That's a good one.
- A Nightmare Manor
Annual Pass.
I was banned from
the premises for two years,
but it's still a good gift.
- Okay, okay.
- I'm gonna go with
this red box.
Sweet... moustache wax.
This'll be great for when
I have a boyfriend
with a moustache.
- Okay, thank you, guys.
I know what you're doin' here.
Thank you. - Yay!
- Hold on.
Santa has not yet had his turn.
If I were to survey
the other gifts
that were available to me,
I'm... going to take...
this one.
- You kidding me?
- 50-hard line! Hee hee hee hee!
- Chief.
- Dad.
- Well, Merry Christmas, buddy.
- Okay, well...
- Wait, wait, Cap.
Shouldn't you open your gift?
- I know what it is.
It's a bidet... because
Christmas is all about
taking it in the pooper.
Some Santa you are.
- Cap, I'm sorry.
- Dad, why did you do that?
- 50-yard line!
I mean, really, it's a Yankee
Swap... get over it.
- Man...
- The nicest thing I can
say about Granfield Smith
is that he wraps hose
with the grace
and speed of a pregnant
water buffalo.
And that... finishes it.
"Clean in comfort."
Sunny Tunnel Bidet.
Hmm.
Eh, why not?
Here goes nothing.
Ooh!
Ooh hoo hoo hoo ooh!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
- And in that moment,
feeling the soothing rush
of 82-degree toilet water
on his bitter and hardened anus,
Eddie Penisi's heart
grew 20 sizes that night.
I love it!
- I'm too old for this sh*t.
- What was I thinking?
These people are my family.
But there's no time to do
those evaluations over again.
Is there?
You there, boy, what time is it?
Almost 5:00 in the morning!
- 5:00? There might
just be enough time!
What are you doing
running around
at 5:00 on Christmas morning?
- Stealing packages
off people's doorsteps!
- Wait... Hunter, is that you?
- Ah, f*ck off!
- Ha ha ha.
Merry Christmas, Hunter.
Merry Christmas.
- Whatever.
- Oh, something smells good.
- It smells like Christmas.
- It is Christmas, dummy.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, guys.
- Whoa!
- It looks amazing!
- Holy...
- Merry Christmas, everyone.
- Whoa! What happened here?
- A Christmas miracle.
And here's the cherry
on top of the yule log.
Check out your stockings.
- Oh!
- Aw, man!
- Did you do all this?
- I did.
- Our evaluations!
- "Granfield Smith wraps hose
with the speed and grace
of a gazelle"?
- "Andy Myawani... more like
dandy guy with two Mommies"?
- It was 5:00 in the morning.
- Ike Crystal.
"Satisfactory.
Satisfactory..."
Satisfactory on every one!
Thanks, Cap!
- What caused
the change of heart, Cap?
- Well, Lucy, I realized
it was selfish of me
to tarnish your records because
I had the holiday blues.
- Or maybe somebody used
his new Christmas gift.
- You're right, Chief.
Your gift taught me
a lot last night.
Turns out, assholes
do have feelings.
I know this assh*le does.
- Aw...
- Aw ha ha ha.
- Wait a minute.
Did you know the bidet
was gonna have
this effect on Cap?
- It looks like there's
a new Santa Claus around here.
Or should I say...
Old Taint Nick?
- Man, the only thing
that'd make this day better
is if one of you admitted
to stealing that Darla doll.
- I didn't take it, Andy!
- No worries, gentlemen.
'Cause I know who did it.
- What? Who?
Seriously? - Follow me.
- Why can't you just
tell us now?
Go...
boom. - Whoa!
So this whole time
it's been Mark Budmartin?
- The actor who played
Mark Budmartin.
- I knew that guy was a phony!
- I'm sorry for accusing you.
- Aw, man, it's okay.
- I'm sorry too, fellas.
- Take it in.
- Are you guys ready for the
genuine Christmas miracle?
That is not the real Darla doll.
- I think it is.
- This is the real
Pubic Defender Darla.
When I saw how weird
you guys were being about it,
I swapped her out
for another Darla.
Merry $15,000 Christmas to us!
- You're kidding, right?
- What? I saved Christmas.
- Why don't you read this?
- Right here.
- What does it say?
"Pubic Defender Darla doll.
M-I-P." What's MIP mean?
- Mint In Package.
It means it's an untouched doll
in the original package.
That doll right there
is without original package.
- How much is it worth W-O-O-P?
- $122.
- Well, then we're gonna
spend that $122
on sugar plums
and peppermint bark.
- Yay!
- Good for you, Cap!
- Merry Christmas, Cap.
And God bless us... every one.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Merry Christmas, ho ho ho.
- Who's been good this year?
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
I like you guys.
Happy holidays. Merry Christmas.
Hey... 314 families.
That's a new record!
- Awesome!
- Hey guys, come on over.
Chief's gonna read his poem.
- Yay!
- Yeah ha ha ha!
Okay, guys.
"'Twas the night before
Christmas at Tacoma FD.
"What a year it has been,
filled with whimsy and glee.
Chief Terry banned gambling,
but it went on, however."
- No it did not, no it did not.
- Not really.
- "While a fire in Dildo Town
brought enemies together.
"Eddie's dad paid a visit
and was nice only to Lucy.
"The guys on the C team
turned out to be douchey.
- Big time.
- "Cap joined the Fire Choir
by using his lips,
and Nightmare Manor
"gave Granny a case of the yips.
- Ha, that was so funny!
- Man, I had to lawyer up.
- "Low voice Lucy
sounded like Barry White.
"And Ike's brother needed help
"'cause his sperm count
was light.
- He was havin' a tough time.
- "Cap grew his hair
an incredible length
"while a stray bolt of lightning
gave Andy super strength."
- Wait, wait, wait...
When did that happen?
- I'm just making sure
you're awake.
- Ha ha, that didn't happen!
- "At the Firemen's Ball
the elevator was stuck."
- I don't remember that.
- "And this holiday season,
Eddie learned to give a f*ck."
- Thanks to you guys.
- That's right.
- So as we wrap up our tale
and we ride out of sight...
- Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good night.
Ain't that right, Darla?
- You said it, Snowman!
- Station 24,
man stuck in chimney.
Please respond.
- All right, here we go guys!
02x13 - A Christmas Story
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Without many fires to extinguish (due to Tacoma being one of America's wettest cities), the firefighters are always ready to fight fires… but they end up tackling the less-glamorous elements of the job.
Without many fires to extinguish (due to Tacoma being one of America's wettest cities), the firefighters are always ready to fight fires… but they end up tackling the less-glamorous elements of the job.