03x12 - Pickleball

[bunniefuu]

And while they are serving up
slices at Enzo's,

Captain Penisi and I

will be serving up slices
on the court.

- Cut. What are you doing?
- I'm improvising.

- You're supposed
to miss the ball.

- I don't wanna miss the ball.
You miss the ball.

- No, the script says you're
supposed to miss the ball

and then throw your racket.
- I'm the chief.

I gotta wear the stupid hat.

You wear the hat.
You throw your racket.

- Penisi, time is money.
Come on.

- Terry, you're the food guy.
I'm the spokes-guy.

When you improvise,
it messes up the flow.

We're going again.
Take eight, and action.

Enzo, throw the ball.

And while Enzo
is serving up slices,

Chief McConky and I will be
serving up slices on the court.

- Hey, that's my line.

You stole my line.
- Cut.

Yeah, it didn't sound right
coming out of your mouth.

The good news is,
I think we got it.

So let's jump to the end.

The Annual Tacoma Firefighter
Pickleball Tournament,

sponsored by Enzo's.

Order in or take it Ta-Homa.

- It'll stuff your face.

[choking]

- Uh-oh, good thing
I'm a firefighter.

- [spits]
- Ah. [laughs]

Cut.

That was great.
Let's do another one.

How about this time,
I give Gina the Heimlich?

- Absolutely.
- All right, here we go.

And action.

- Oh, oh, oh!

[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ Check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

- Oh, guys.

It's pickleball week.
Look at this.

- Oh, man, I'm so excited.
This is my first tournament.

- Well, temper
your expectations,

because your dad and uncle
are unbeatable

and such incredible assholes
about it.

- Exactly.
That's why I can't wait

to kick their asses so hard.
- That's what we all want,

but they have a way
of getting in your head.

- I grew up with them, Andy.

I think I know how
to handle their bullshit.

- Oh, man.

- Oh, man, come on.

- The production value on this
has gone up every year.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

your perennial
pickleball champions,

Team Fire and Slice!

- [whooping and laughing]
[cheers and applause]

- Come on, give it up.
- Whoo!

- High five, everybody.
High five.

- It's the eye contact
that's really uncomfortable.

- [obnoxious laughter]

- These are winner moves.

- Right here,
this is the victory dance.

Hey, cut the music, Chiefy.

The crew is
clearly intimidated.

- Yeah, they are.
We are unbeatable,

and we are defending our title

for an impressive
tenth year in a row-ow-ow-ow...

- That is impressive.
- Not as impressive

as your jackrabbit quickness.

- Oh, thank you.
But that's not as impressive

as the human wall you form

at the net!
- Ha-ha-ha!

- You guys are such tools.

It'll be so satisfying
to take you down.

- Lucy, language.

It's way too mild.

[both laughing]
- I can't.

- That's right,
it's pickleball week,

and you are encouraged

to spice up your trash talk
with your superiors.

All right, so who wants
to give us the business first?

Eh? Eh?
Ike, come on, buddy.

Hit me, hit me.
Give me a good one, come on.

- Say the thing
that you were gonna--

- No, I didn't have any--
I never said anything.

- Here, let me give you
an example.

- Okay, sure,
'cause we don't have anything.

- We're gonna b*at you so bad
you're gonna feel like

you're the bottom
of a ketchup bottle.

- What's up?
- What up?

- Boop, boop!
- Boop!

- [laughs]
- And...

[both chanting]
We got the power to,

we got the power to,
we got the power to

whoop you!
- Ha-ha, peace!

- Class dismissed.

See you on the court, b*tches.

- I think I hate them.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- For readers of
the neighborhood app

who aren't familiar, what is
the appeal of pickleball?

- Well, Ken, it is
the fastest-growing sport

in America, and it's big
in fire stations everywhere.

It combines the most exciting
elements of tennis,

badminton, and ping-pong.

And it keeps us
in tip-top shape.

- It's also big
in nursing homes.

Ooh!
- And why do you wear

your gear when you practice?

- Frankly, it's the only way
we can challenge ourselves.

- [laughs] We're that much
better than everyone.

- [chuckling] You really are.
- Oh-ho-ho!

- Okay, I legit hate them,
but God, they're great.

- You know what
makes 'em great?

They have a winning culture.

You know, my football team
in Alabama

had the same philosophy.

Think like a winner,
be a winner.

- It was the same
on my college judo team.

- Yeah, Captain.
- So easy!

- You know, if we teamed up
together, we could totally

take these douche nozzles down.

- I don't know.

Pickleball really
isn't my thing, Lucy.

- We're playing left-handed
and we're still

better than anyone else!
- Oh, my God.

Come on, they're such assholes.

- Lower blast shields.
Bloop, bloop, boop.

- I can't see, I can't see.
Oh!

- In reverse! Oh, man.

- Okay, let's k*ll 'em.

- Yes.

- Mm, hey Luc, check it out.

One of the perks
of being the best:

Enzo sends over free food.

- Best pizza in Tacoma.

- Nice, it looks good.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Wow, really?
- Champions only.

Losers are bad for their brand.
[both laugh]

- You gotta be a winner
to eat dinner.

- You guys have gotten
super cocky.

- Just wait until we humiliate
you on the court.

Then we'll be unbearable.

Please, I'm sorry.
Would you like a garlic knot?

- A peace offering.

[both laugh]

- Garlic not.

Oh, my God, she doesn't stand
a chance against us.

- Maybe you should put your
money where your mouth is

instead of
your fifth garlic knot.

- Oh, look at you!
- Oh-ho-ho-ho.

- Look at her!
- You know what?


wipe the floor with you guys.

- You're teaming up
with Granny?

- Yeah,
another college athlete.

- Oh, my God.

Make it 500.
[both laugh]

- Fine, let's make it $500.

- Let's do it.
- Sounds good. Deal.

Oh, Luc,
do you wanna pay us now

or do you wanna
just pay us later?

- You guys are gross,
by the way.

- Bye.

- Hey, give me a meatball,
would ya?

- You got it.

- I am so excited about this.

We are by far the best athletes
in the station.

- Damn straight, and we should
come up with a name

that reflects
our mutual physical greatness.

- How about "The Ass Kickers?"

- I like it.
It's subtle.

- All right, here we go.

- Oh!

- Oh.
- Oh, whoops.

One for the blooper reel.
[chuckles]

- You good?
- Yeah, I just got crossed up.

Let's go.

- All right, here we go.

- [grunts]

- You seem
a little off balance.

- It's a lateral
movement thing.

It's not really my strong suit.

- How could you be
a football player

and not have good
lateral movement?

- You only move forward and
backward when you're a punter.

- A punter?

- Yeah. Go Matadors.

- Wait. University of Alabama
is "Crimson Tide."

- Right, and
at Central Alabama Polytech,

we're the Matadors.

- Hm, awesome.

- Come on, Andy!

Whoo!

Whoa, whoa. That's what
I'm talking about, Andy.

All day.
- Nice!

Yeah, all day.
- I'm telling you,

Cap and Chief
are getting older.

We really got a sh*t this year.

- You think so?
- Yeah, we do, man.

We just need
that one little thing, like,

just to put us
over the edge, you know?

Just give us an edge.

- Yeah, we just need something
to enhance our performance.

- No, more
of a "performance enhancer."

- You know, my mom gave me
something that might help.

If you're open to it,
of course.

- Just coffee?

- Not just any coffee,

the strongest in the world.

- Oh.
- From the Philippines.

Eight times the caffeine.

Usbong Ng Kidlat.

Roughly translates to
"Lightning Crap."

It's said that it gives you
the strength of an elephant

and the quickness of a jaguar.

- What?
How's that even possible?

- The beans are grown
in the Luzon rain forest.

They're fed to jaguars,
who digest and defecate them.

That feces is then
fed to elephants,

who also defecate them.

Then they clean off the beans,
brew it, and voila.

- Sounds delicious.

I mean, until you explain
the whole process.

Ooh, baby, it smells.

- Here, go ahead.
- Oh!

- I don't know, I mean--
- Ah, come on, man.

Try it.
- Nah, I mean, I'm just--

- What are you, chicken?
- No.

- Then what?
- I don't know.

I'm not familiar with it.

- Me neither,
but you were the one that said

that we needed an edge.

- Do you think it's safe?

- It can't be more dangerous
than us running

into burning buildings,
and we do that all the time.

- That is solid logic, man.

- Bottoms up.
Let's do it.

[both screaming]

Is it always that hot?

- Coffee? Yeah.

- [growls]

Ah, damn it!
- This doesn't make sense.

You're so good at ping-pong.
- Well, that's different.

In ping pong, I only need
to move one or two steps.

- I guess.
I just think it's weird

that you're a football player,

but you're not
a natural athlete.

- Oh, all right.

Punters are athletes,
too, okay?

If we weren't, they wouldn't
let us ride on the bus

with the real football players.

- Yeah, but all you do
is kick a ball, right?

- Okay, here we go.

Punting is so much more
than kicking a ball, Lucy.

It takes leg strength,
hand-eye coordination,

and balance.

Okay? It's about getting
the flat drops

so the ball turns
over mid-flight.

Your planting foot has to hold

while linemen
are rushing at you.

And don't even get me started

on engaging your hip flexors
too soon.

- Okay, let's get that
winning culture up in here.

Think like a winner,
be a winner.

Let's go punt some balls and
get your mojo up and running.

- That's a great idea!
- Yes.

[intense music]

- Oh! I feel so fast!

- I wanna trample something.
Ah!

[elephant trumpets]

- I can't wait to see this.
- Oh, yeah.

- Here we go, right here.
- Ball me.

- Okay.
- Here it comes, boys.

[jaguar growls,
elephant trumpets]

Go back!

I want you back
at least 100 yards.

- What? No!
- Go back.

Hey, Ike, Eddie,
get it together.

You ready for this?
Here it comes.

- Let's go, let's go!

- Prepare to be impressed.

- I am prepared.

- [grunts]

- Race you.

- Yeah.

- Hey, that's okay.
That was just a warmup, guys.

Go back out there.
Come on. Slip.

There we go.
- Let's go.

- Well, back off
for this one, guys, all right?

Deep b*mb, baby.

- Race you.
- Wait a minute.

- You guys, stay out there.
We're gonna go again.

Come on. Granny, here we go.
Let's go again.

- This is bullshit.
Come on, kick it or don't!

Kick it right now!

- Oh!
- Ah!

- You okay?

Granny, you got this.
Come on, buddy.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

- I don't got it.
I lost it, I lost it!

- You didn't--
oh, come on, big guy.

- [snarling]
- [whooping]

- What is wrong with you?
You're so slow this morning.

- I don't have it today, okay?

- Are you having sex
with someone?

- [chuckles] No.

- You are.
Your mustache is fluffy.

I can always tell
you're sleeping with someone

when your mustache is fluffy.

- All right, fine, yes.
I have a new girl,

and she is insatiable.
- What?

You do not have sex
when you're in training.

It uses too much energy.

- Not if I just lay there.
Takes no energy at all.

- If you care about this team,
you're gonna need to abstain.

- You're not exactly
lighting it up either.

Maybe you should abstain

from the free food.
- What's the point of being

sponsored by the best
pizza maker in Tacoma

if you can't sample the goods?

- You need to commit too.

I'll quit having sex
when you quit eating.

Mm-hmm.
- Fine.

- Fine.

- Mm-hmm.
- Fine.

- There you go.

- Okay. [sighs]

- Very expensive.

Also high quality.

Huh, okay?

[intense music]

♪ ♪

- Ah! I feel so jacked!

- Me too, brother!
Jacked!

Oh, sh**t, Andy,

that should be
our team name, "Jacked."

But instead of an E,
put an apostrophe in there

so it's just "Jack'd."

- We're Jack'd.
- You're saying it weird.

Just Jack'd.
- Jack'd.

- Don't spin your head
'cause I can't hear--

- Just trying to get to
the D without an E in there.

- Jack'd.
- Jack'd!

- Yeah!

Kind of freaky and scary
when you say it.

- Props to the genius
who got that elephant

to eat the jaguar dung.
- Oh, yeah.

Hey, man,
I wonder how they do that.

That can't be how you spell it.
- It's not in English, Ike.

- Search-a-roo.

Whoa!
- Whoa!

- What the f--

what?

- They actually

sewed the elephant's trunk

into the jaguar's ass.

- It's like
the Ringling Brothers

meets "Human Centipede."

- This is the cruelest,
most disturbing thing

I've ever seen
in my whole life.

- We can never drink

another drop of this
as long as we live.

- Well, let's not go that far.
- What are you talking about?

This is horrible
animal cruelty right here.

This is inhumane.

- The beans are already here,

and the animals
suffered so much

to get them here,
so it would be cruel for us

not to drink it.

- To honor the animal sacrifice

that has already been made,

maybe we should--
- Savor every sip.

- Yeah, I mean,

that might be
the right thing to do, right?

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
Okay, that's it.

- You sure?
- Andy, throw it out, man.

You're doing the right thing.

Andy, no!

- It's all fruit and
vegetables.

Where's the carbohydrates?

The stuff that sticks
to your ribs.

- What's good, Chiefy?
- Hey, have you spoken to Enzo?

He didn't bring any food today.

- Hm, that's weird.
- Yeah.

- Penisi!

I know you've been
sleeping with my wife.

- That's who you've
been seeing?

- I should k*ll you.

- Look at it as a favor, Enzo.

Now you know
she can't be trusted.

- I already knew that.
She's a trophy wife.

But I trusted you,
paisano, eh, yeah.

Now, forget it.

You're no longer welcome
in my pizzeria.

And I cancel my sponsorship

and no more free food.
- Uh, no, Enzo!

You are making
a grievous error.

- No, you're making the error.

No, goodbye,
Team Fire and Slice!

[whistles] Over here.
- Okay.

I guess we deserve that.

- You know,
everything's always about you.

Eddie has to say
all the lines in the ad.

Eddie has to have sex
with the sponsor's wife.

Can't you put the team first
for once?

- If you cared, you wouldn't
have eaten all that pizza,

but now the food's gone,

and that's what really
pisses you off.

- Okay, that's it.

When this tournament's over,
we're finished.

Last dance, buddy.
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Fine!
- Fine.

- Fine!

- [groans]

- It's so itchy in here.

- Quitting cold turkey sucks.

- [screams]
Whoa, whoa! Wow!

Why are you
an elephant right now?

- I'm not an elephant.
You're a jaguar.

- [snarls]
- [screams]

- Don't put your trunk
up my ass!

[screaming]

- I'm not doing so hot, man.

I need that coffee.

- Yeah, I know, okay?
Me too, man.

[yelps]

- You got it?
- Ugh, yeah, it's there,

but there's a raccoon
or something eating it.

- That's fine.
Just grab the damn thing

and we'll eat its sh*t.
- What?

- Let's eat its sh*t.

- No, I'm not gonna grab it,
Andy.

It's a wild animal. You--
- I'll grab it.

- No wait, don't--wait!

[raccoon squealing]

- [chuckling]
How do I make it sh*t?

- Squeeze it or something.
[raccoon hisses]

- This is Ken Walters,
live streaming

from the Tacoma Fire Department
Pickleball Tournament

from Station 24.

First up, we have
the reigning champs,

Team Fire and Spice

versus All that Racquet
from Station 26.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome to the house
of pain, b*tches.

- [laughs]

- All right, serve.
- Shut up.

I'll serve when I'm ready.

- Whoo!

[both screaming]

both: We are "Jack'd."

- Eh-duh.
- Duh.

Strength of an elephant,
quickness of a jaguar.

- And the cunning of
the almighty raccoon.

- I'm in your garbage!

- Where's the ball?
Where's the ball?

Where's--[gasping]

- My heart feels like it's
gonna come out of my chest.

- Don't let them see.
- Hey, can I help you guys out?

- No, I think Andy
just pulled a hamstring.

- Yeah.
- We'll be right back.

- Y'all better than this, man.

- We're gonna forfeit
this one, but...

watch it.

♪ ♪

- Whoo-hoo!
- [grunts]

- Whoo!

- The final match is set.

Team Fire and Slice

versus The Ass Kickers.

- Hey Luc,
if Granny's the kicker,

what does that make you?

[both laugh]

- [laughs mockingly]

- Let's just end this
and call it quits.

- Fine.
After we k*ll these two,

our partnership is terminated.

- All right, let's do this.

- Ball.

[intense music]

♪ ♪

- You see that? 'Cause it
looks like you didn't.

- [grunts]
- Oh-ho-ho-ho!

- All day.

- Got it, got it!
- Nice!

- Uh-uh, uh-uh.

- Ah!

- Yeah.

- Ten-nothing,
match point.

You tried your best.
Thanks for coming.

- Oh, by the way, in case
we get mobbed after we win,

I just wanna say right now,

good game.
[both laugh]

[alarm buzzing]

- Station 24,
woman stuck in a tree.

Please respond.

- We'll finish this later.

[siren wailing]

- Please hurry.

The phone reception up here
is terrible.

- What the hell?

- It's the newest
Internet challenge.

People climb trees,
take selfies.

They call it treeing.

It's bad news.

- Let's go, baby.

Let's go!
- Ike, use the ladder.

- I don't need it, Cap.
I can get up.

- Ike, use the ladder.
Andy, get him up there.

- You're right, Cap.
Hang tight, ma'am.

- Treeing.

Was America's obsession
with phones and selfies

bound to head
in this direction?

I think yes.

- [gasping]

- Hey, fire peeps,

there's something wrong
with your guy.

[dramatic music]

- Ah, guys, there's Pacific
poison oak on this tree.

I'm allergic
to Pacific poison oak.

I can't--I can't breathe.

- What's that?

- This dude is having, like,

a wack reaction.

- [incoherent muttering]

- Granny, Ike is having
an allergic reaction.

Get the Epi-Pen over here now.

I'll run it up the ladder.
Give it to me.

- No, there's no time.

[inspiring music]

♪ ♪

[camera snaps]

♪ ♪

[crowd cheering]

- [gasping]

I'm okay!
- Yeah!

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Yes!
- Great punt, Granny.

- You did it!
- I did it!

I got my mojo back.
- Yeah, Granny!

- Tell me you got that.

- No, I missed it.

This is Ken Walters,
and we're back

for the finish
of the championship match.

- Now you're done.
- All right, match point?

Let's end this thing.
- My pleasure.

- Oh!

- What the...
- Granny, that was awesome.

- I'm back, baby.

- Whoo! Okay.

- Come on!

- Oh-ho-ho-ho!
The man.

Whoo!

- Jerk!

- Are you coming to play,
or are you just a spectator?

- Yeah, I'm a spectator.

And I'm watching you
make a fool of yourself.

- Let's go!

♪ ♪

- Oh!
- Yeah!

- [grunts]
- 10-9, our serve.

Still match point.
Still gonna be over.

- Hey, Ass Kicker,

kick their asses.

- It's what I do best.

- Let's go!
Come on.

♪ ♪

[both cheering]

- Thanks
for the 500 bucks, Luc.

- You guys suck! 11 in a row.

Winning's the best!
Winning's the best.

- I'm sorry, Granny,
I lost us the game.

- Hey, don't be sorry.

You know,
winning isn't everything.

And sometimes
you just wanna go the distance,

and today I'm glad
we went the distance.

- Spoken like a true punter.

Side kick! [laughs]
- Oh.

- Don't worry
about his good side.

They're all good.

Boy, winning cures everything,
doesn't it?

- It sure does, man.
I love you.

- I love you too.
Let's do this again next year.

- They go through the same
drama every pickleball season.

- I gotta say,

your breath smells delicious.
- Hey!

- I finally feel normal.
- Oh, me too, man.

I was unusually messed up
for a while there.

I take some pretty weird junk.

- [chuckles] Well, I'm glad
we worked through this.

- Is that 200?
- Yeah, pretty sure.

- Coming down baby.
- [grunts]

[both grunting]

- Ah!
- Whoo!

Get me something to drink.
- There it is.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
- Oh, buddy, that's so good.

- This stuff
is incredible, right?

- We don't need it.
I'm just having fun right now.

I can put it down anytime.
- Yeah, yeah,

I mean, the only thing
that concerns me is--

- What?
- One thing.

- Oh, yeah. I mean--

oof.

Think they're ever gonna
go back to normal size?

- I don't care.

- Me neither.
[both laugh]

Can I get a little
jab of yours?

- No.