04x09 - Gone Dutch

[bunniefuu]

- Probie, beer me.

I had the hefeweizen.
- Yeah, I had the ipa.

- Hey, you think he knows that
those valves are all hooked up

To the same vat of beer?
- [chuckles]

Who cares?
He's just a probie.

Watch the foam.

Who taught you how to pour beer?

- All right, I'm ready to go in.
- All right.

- Probie, you are about to
take part in a unique odyssey

The likes of which
you have never seen.

There will be laughs,
there will be tears,

And there will be fights.
- And booze and song.

- It's like coachella,
woodstock, and lollapalooza

All mixed into one.

- Probie, there ain't no party

Like a firefighter's wake.

- Yeah, let's go!
Love you, dutch!

[laughter]

- Welcome to the jungle, probie.

Buckle up.
- [laughs]

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ well, I'm hot blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever
of a hundred and three ♪

♪ I'm hot blooded ♪

[energetic country rock music]

- Hey.

♪ ♪

- I guess I expected
a firefighter's wake

To be a more somber affair.
- [cheers]

- Yeah!
- [laughs]

- The raucousness all depends
on how much you liked the guy.

- And also on the seriousness

Or stupidity
of the cause of death.

You know what I mean?
- I see.

- But this'll be a rowdy one.

- Ah, there you go.

Now, that's how you take
a death photo.

That's a great pic!

- Nice chin tilt, strong smile,

Always present, never goofy.

- That's why they called him
smilin' dutch engles.

[chuckles]
legend to the end.

- Mm-hmm.
- Cheap as hell though.

- So cheap.
- Oh.

- Cheapskate.
- Couldn't find his wallet.

- Didn't have a wallet.

But how do you make it


Only to die such a dumb way?

- He goes his whole career
without a scratch,

And he tries stomping branches
down into a woodchipper

With both feet?
Stupid.

- So dumb. So stupid.
- Stupid.

- Really dumb.
- What a dingbat.

- May he rest in peace.

All: May he rest in peace.
- Amen.

- Let's hit the bar.
All right, who needs one?

[somber music]

[sighs]

There he is, the old bastard.
[chuckles]

He will be missed.
- Oof.

- That woodchipper really
got the best of him, huh?

- Classic cheapskate.

You know, I bet he got
half off on that casket.

[laughter]
- come on.

- Too soon, too soon.
- You're right.

[upbeat rock music]

- My friend,
can I have two bourbon sh*ts

And two more beers please?

- Oh, you're starting strong,
huh?

- This is a wake.
- True.

I could use some food though.
- Hey.

- There's the kid.
- Thank you, mickleberry.

- Sausage and peppers, huh?
- Oh.

[both chuckle]

- Hey, a word of advice to you.

Watch out for the old timers.

- The drunker they get,

The more they're
gonna mess with you.

- They can't be any rougher
on me than you guys.

- Oh, please, you have no idea

How soft hazing has become
since we were probies.

- Yeah, we used to have
our asses kicked

Every single day.

We had one lieutenant
who was brutal.

- This guy hazed everybody.

In fact, he went
after the chief all the time.

To this day, terry's
still scared of the guy.

- Okay, that's ridiculous.
- Oh, is it?

Then how come your voice
goes up two octaves

At the mere mention
of the name mcswiggins?

- [high-pitched]
you have no idea

What you're talking about.
- [laughs]

- Okay, that was ages ago.

He's long gone,
and I'm totally over it.

- If I eat any more sausage
and pepper sandwiches,

I'll be long gone.
You feel me?

- Those old timers are gonna
chew you up and spit you out.

- I'm afraid for you.

Eat some bread.
It'll soak up the alcohol.

♪ ♪

- Tonight, I'm gonna do it.
- Do what?

- I have always wanted
to sing "danny boy"

At a firefighter wake.
- By yourself?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Your singing voice
is better in a crowd.

- Oh, my singing is great.

I'll put tears in every eye
in this place.

- Tears of agony.

- Why are you being so bitchy?

- Listen, dutch ran our
fantasy football league, right?

Granny won this year,
but dutch d*ed

Before he could pay him,
so granny's a little touchy.

Isn't he?
- Look at him. Smilin' dutch.

Cheapskate even in death.
- Hey, come on, man.

- Why don't you
ask his widow for it?

- Yeah, right.

Oh, mrs. Engels, so sorry

To hear about your husband
being mulch

From the waist down,
but I was wondering

If you could, uh, pay
that 1,000 bucks he owes me?

[laughter]

- My ears are burning.

- Oh!
- Oh, ms. Engels.

Ah, well, we were just talking
about old dutchy.

Our condolences, by the way.
Such a great, great guy.

- Yeah, top of the line.
- Thank you so much.

- Oh, and we love
the photos too, yeah?

Such good memories.
- Oh, yes.

Dutch had so many great photos
on his phone.

Some of the pictures
were not so appropriate...

[laughs]

But that's a firefighter
for you.

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

Please enjoy yourselves.

Dutch would have wanted it
that way.

- Thanks so much.
- All right.

- That's it!
- What? What?

- She said the photos were
coming off dutch's phone.

Did he have a cashmo account?

- That's how we paid
our entry fee.

- We just have
to snatch his phone,

And we'll get you your money.

- Steal his phone and sell it.
- No, ike.

- No!
- Why would... sell his phone?

- I'm not selling his... not...
What?

♪ ♪

- "as we remember dutch,

I begin with
the serenity prayer."

Really?
- Okay.

You mind your own business,
all right?

- Are you gonna use
the notecards too?

- I'm just gathering
my thoughts.

- Maybe you should
sit this one out.

- Dutch was my friend
and my mentor.

- I know, and you're good
at a lot of things,

But giving toasts
is not one of them.

No disrespect,
but your toasts tend to be

A little bit serious
and kind of boring.

- Well, not everyone wants
to hear andrew dice clay

At their memorial service.

- I am legendary at these things

- Here we go.

- I just happen
to know the formula.

First you open
with a dirty joke,

Then you make fun of somebody
in the crowd,

Then you tell a pandering story,

And you land the whole thing
with a sentimental close

And you finish it all off
by getting everyone

In the room to drink.
It's not rocket surgery.

- Well, that may work for you,
but there are plenty of people

In this room who appreciate
my toasting style.

- Keep telling yourself that.
- Hi, fellas.

- Oh, laura.

How are you?
- Laura, come here, laura.

- Oh, thank you, honey.

- Please accept
our deepest condolences.

- I appreciate that.

- But honestly,
what the hell was dutch doing

Jumping in a woodchipper?

- [laughs] I know.

I told him he needed
to hire someone

To mulch those branches, but...

Well, at least he d*ed
doing what he loved.

- Saving money.
- [laughs]

God, please say that
in your toast.

You are giving a toast, right?

- Of course, I am.
It's the least I can do.

- [clears throat]

Laura, I've also
prepared a toast.

- [laughs]

That's so nice.

Um, but don't feel like
you have to, dearie.

I mean...
- Come on.

- You don't have to.
- It's the least I could do.

- Um, so I...
If you guys will excuse me.

- Of course.

- Well, great to see you, laura.

- [sighs]
- she gets it.

- She wants me to give a speech.

- You're right, you're right.
Absolutely.

- Hey, you know what?

My toast is gonna be
the talk of the wake,

And when I give it,

You're gonna give me an apology.

- Sure.
- A dry, sincere apology.

- You got it.
- [whimpers]

These old dudes are rough.

Four of them tried to pants me

And stick cocktail franks
in my ear.

- That sounds about right.

- And another one
in a wheelchair

Punched me in the kidney.
- Did you say in the kidney?

- Yeah.
- There's only one guy I know

Who loves giving donkey punches.

- [laughing] well, well, well...

If it isn't that little
chicken sh*t toilet terry.

- [high-pitched] mcswiggins.

What are you doing here?

- I came to watch you
make your lame-ass toast.

- Awesome.
[chuckles]

♪ ♪

- Mcswiggins,
I thought you moved to florida.

- I did.
That was two hip replacements

And three heart att*cks ago.

But I wasn't gonna miss
dutch's wake.

- Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

- [imitates whimper]

All these years, you're still
a mealy-mouthed milquetoast.

- And after all these years,

You're still
a loudmouthed windbag.

Is that thing electric,
or does it run on hot air?

- [laughs]

You still got it, penis eye.

- Oh, penis eye. Here we go.

- How is it
you're just a captain,

And toilet terry's a chief?

Terry, you been sleeping with
eddie's sister and his dad?

[laughter]

I'll bet terry's big tummy
is acting up

Something fierce right now.

You know, back when
your chief was a probie,

And I use my quotation marks
mockingly...

- Figured.
- Every call we got,

He had to take a nervous sh*t.

You'd be in a burning building,
break down a door,

Only to find this guy
perched on the shitter.

- That happened once.

- Maybe twice.
- Just once.

- But that's how
you got your nickname,

Toilet terry.

Word of advice for you, meat.

Whatever order he gives you,
do the opposite.

Looking forward
to your sincere toast there,

Toilet terry.

Donkey punch!
- Oh, jeez.

- Oh, boy, okay.
- I'm going to the salad bar.

- Yeah, great.
- Donkey punch!

- Oh, god.
- Okay.

One for the road, right?
- There you go.

- That's great.

Hey, it's good seeing you,
mcswiggins.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- We need to switch dutch's
phone out with another one

So the slideshow doesn't stop.
Ike, hand me your phone.

People are gonna notice
the switch, though,

Don't you think?

- We just need a distraction.

- How about I sing "danny boy"?

- That's not a distraction.

People love to stop and look
at a car crash.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- You know
what it's supposed to mean.

You can't sing.
- No, no.

It just means we need
a different type

Of distraction, that's all.

- Fine, go, assholes.

To dutch!

[all cheering]

[all chanting "dutch"]

- Yeah, to dutch!

- Now we just have to put in

Every four-digit combo
imaginable.

- Ooh!
Uh, 6-9-6-9.

- Okay.
No.

- D-I-c-k.
- [chuckles]

- You know how to do
the letters for the numbers?

- You guys, let's see if we
can get in using voice command.

- Oh, yeah, voice command.
- Ooh.

- [strange polish accent]
hmm, uh, hey, this is dutch.

Uh, dutch engels.
Yeah, this is my phone.

And, uh, please open
the phone for me

Because my name is dutch.
- Is that polish?

I thought dutch
was from chicago.

- Yeah, chicago has
the highest concentration

Of polish people in the u.S.
God, look it up, lucy.

- [jamaican accent]
open up the phone, won't ya?

Don't ya know?
Lord-a-mercy.

Ya got to legalize it!
- Try another one.

You gotta try 'em all.
Who knows?

You never know.

- Ike, why do you have so many
beefcake photos on your phone?

- Ah, they're just
for my portfolio.

Don't worry about it.
People won't notice it.

- Uh, dutch sure does have
a lot of beefcake photos

Of ike on his phone.

- Dutch was a complicated man.
I tried not to ask questions.

- Hmm.

- You guys, this isn't working.

We need to use dutch's
thumbprint to unlock it.

- Ah, I wish dutch
was just here,

And we could just
use his thumbprint

And get this over with.

- [gasps]

♪ ♪

- Hey, robertson,
put your shirt on!

- He looks like austin powers.

- Go shave his back,
mickleberry.

- No, I don't want to.
- Hey, that's the chief.

You have to do what he says.

- And get me a sausage
and pepper sandwich

While you're there.
- Oh, man.

I think it's time
to do the toasts.

You still in?
- Yeah, I'm in.

I will not be bullied
into silence

By a 70-year-old man
in a wheelchair.

Right?
- Yeah.

- Oh, do me a favor.
Follow the formula.

It's simple:
Dirty joke,

Make fun of someone
in the crowd,

Pandering story,
sentimental finish,

Everyone drinks.
- I have my own formula.

- It's your funeral.

- Actually,
it's dutch's funeral.

- No, actually,
it's dutch's wake.

Go ahead and give a toast.
It'll be your wake.

Excuse me.

- What the hell does he mean
by that?

- Excuse me, if I could just
have everyone's attention

For just a second.

Before all of you animals
polish off the free booze...

[laughter]

It's time to remember dutch.
- To dutch.

- To dutch.
- To dutch.

Laura, my deepest
heartfelt condolences.

You lost your better half,
but really,

You've lost dutch's better half.

[laughter]

We all showered with the guy.
We know.

[laughter]

Wait, fensterman,
why are you laughing?

We've showered with you too.

[laughter]

If dutch taught us anything,
it's that life is short,

But so is fensterman.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

[somber music]

- Oh, sweet dutcharoo.

- Dutch, why did they
do it to you?

[fake sobbing]
- okay, hey.

- [whispers] distraction.

- [snaps]

- [clears throat]
oh, hey, hey, fellas,

Uh, it's 9:30.
Honor guard ended at 9:00.

Chief mcconky told us
to tell you you can go.

Yeah, yeah, we'll get out
of your way so you can, uh...

[laughter]

- One story comes to mind
when I think

About smilin' dutch engels,

The st. Patrick's day parade
of 2002.

[laughter]

Dutch drank enough green beer

To k*ll a village
of leprechauns.

[laughter]

- Okay.

Get his finger...
- I got it.

Here we go.

Come on, let's go.

- Come on, hurry up.
- What the...

- Whoa.

All the years I've known dutch,

I didn't know
he had a fake hand.

- What?
- Ugh.

- Okay, I'll just...
Sorry, dutch.

Are you kidding me?
- Two fake hands?

You think you know a guy.

- He clearly lost them
in the accident.

- I know, but I was like,
"that's... that's crazy."

- What do we do know?
- Face id.

- Brilliant.
- Yeah.

- Yes, we gave dutch sh*t
about being cheap,

But he passed
that boot around every day

To raise money
for that children's hospital

In holland,
and the amazing thing is,

He wasn't even dutch.

[loud sobbing]

Here's to dutch!

All: To dutch!
- Here's to dutch.

- To dutch!

[applause]

- Thank you.
- Yes, bravo, eddie!

- It ain't rocket surgery.

[upbeat rock music]

- Guys, uncle eddie's done.

People are gonna start
trickling in here soon.

- Okay, okay.

- I'm gonna go out there
and sing "danny boy"

And distract 'em.

- No!
- Stop.

You don't gotta do that.
- Please don't do that.

- Yeah, that's fine.
- Hurry up then.

- All right.
- Come on, granny.

- It's not working.
Oh, make him smile.

- Of course, smilin' dutch.
Yes.

♪ ♪

Okay.

All right, dutchman.
Smile, you son of a bitch.

♪ ♪

- Come on, man, bigger.

- This is as big as it goes.
- Make him stretch out.

He's dead.

♪ ♪

- We're going to hell for this.
You know that, right?

♪ ♪

- Oh!
[fake sobbing]

- Damn you, dutch!
- [fake sobbing]

- We just wanted to see him
smile one last time!

That's all.
Five minutes.

We need five minutes alone.
I'm so sorry.

♪ ♪

He had no hands!

[laughter]

- Take it from a sad, old guy
in a wheelchair,

Dutch was larger than life.

To dutch, a man who never
half-assed anything

Until now.

[laughter]

To dutch!

- To dutch!
- To dutch.

- Wow, he just pulled off
the joke finish

On top of
a wheelchair sympathy b*at.

That's called a treacle-cutter.
Upper level stuff.

- I think you might want
to wait a while.

You don't want
to follow that terry.

- Really?
- Let's get another beer.

- Okay.
- And now,

If any of you
need to hit the john,

This is a good time

'cause I'm about to turn it over

To the worst toast giver
in the history of the tfd.

Toilet terry mcconky!

[chuckles]
- what?

- All right, terry mcconky.
Whoo!

- Thank you, everyone,
thank you.

- Yeah, yeah, whoo!

- Good luck following me,
toilet boy.

[laughs]
- okay. That's great.

- Thank you.
- He loves that.

- [clears throat]

Thank you, buddy mcswiggins.

"webster's dictionary"
defines the word hero

As any person of great strength
or courage.

- Who needs one?
On me!

- Keep... keep going.

I'm just gonna run to...
- But I...

I was just...
- I'll be right back.

[indistinct chatter]

- But seriously...

[clears throat]
we all loved dutch

Very mulch... [chuckles]

I mean much.
I meant much.

- Oh, whoa,
did you just do a mulch joke

About a man who d*ed
in a woodchipper?

Real class act, mcconky.

- Hold on a second.
Okay, wait.

All right. [chuckles]

Abraham lincoln once said...
- [groans]

- "if a man is late
for his own party..."

f*ck this.
- Oh, there he goes.

Toilet terry!
- [sighs]

- Terry,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Terry, if you slink off
right now,

You will never live this down.
- I'm not slinking off.

I gotta go.

Vicky wants me to pick up
some avocados.

- Forget about that toast.

You did it. It sucked.

I told you it would,
but now you gotta stand up

To that guy once and for all.
- Hey, chief.

I really enjoyed your toast.
It seemed very sincere.

I hope that guy
didn't upset you.

- Oh.
[chuckles]

Now I heard everything.

You got the probie
caring about your feelings?

Now you're teaching
the next generation

Of firefighters to be a bunch
of soy boy beta cucks like you.

Come here, probie.

Let me give you
a little donkey punch, huh?

- Leave him alone, mcswiggins.
- You know what?

He might be softer than you,
toilet terry, huh?

- Leave him alone!

- Oh, the hell are you
gonna do about it?

Don't make me kick your ass
from this chair.

- [grunts]
- oh!

- Give it your best sh*t,
assh*le.

- Whoa, whoa, when I said
stand up to the guy,

I didn't mean sucker punch
an old man in a wheelchair.

This might not be the flex
you're looking for.

Oh, oh!

- Who the hell you calling
an old man, penis eye?

Game on!
- [screams]

[somber music]

- We need another distraction.

- Guys, come quick,
chief is fighting

That old timer
in the wheelchair.

- [quietly] yes!

Oh, yes.
- Wait, this is our chance.

- No, we gotta go watch
that fight.

- This is a firefighter's wake.

That's just the first fight
of the night.

- True.
- Yeah, you're right, okay.

[upbeat rock music]

- Hey, let's try
facial recognition again.

- Man, I don't think
I can make his smile

Any bigger than I did last time.

- What about the eyes?
Maybe we gotta see the eyes.

- Yes, thank you.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

- What on earth?
What are you doing?

- Paying our last respects,
saying goodbye.

- You're the young man
in all those racy photos

On dutch's phone.
- Uh, yes, ma'am.

- Eh, I learned a long time ago
to not ask questions

About what firefighters do,
so shh.

[all chuckle softly]

- Sorry for your loss.
- So sorry.

Let's see those eyes.
- Peek-a-boo, dutcharoo.

- [chuckles]

[screams]
oh, god.

Okay, that is it!

It's not worth 1,000 bucks

To have these nightmares
for the rest of my life.

- Yeah, let's go watch dad

Fight the guy in the wheelchair.

- Yeah, okay.
- Oh!

♪ ♪

- Come on, big boy.

- Oh.
- Whoa!

- Oh, knocked him
on his ass, terry.

- Hard to feel good about that.
- Give me a beer.

♪ ♪

- Chief!

- You had enough yet,
toilet terry?

Somewhere up there,
smilin' dutch ain't smiling.

If he was here now...
- Oh!

- If dutch was here right now,
the first thing he'd do

Is get you a fresh colostomy bag

'cause you're full of sh*t!

- Not bad.
Kind of a dirty joke.

- I don't sh*t in no bag.
- [grunts]

- [laughs]
- that's it.

[straining]

[all gasp]
- what?

- Holy sheep sh*t.

- Chief slapped him so hard
his legs work again.

- You were full of sh*t.
- So what?

My wheelchair sympathy
was great for the toast,

But I'm gonna throw that away
so I can kick your ass.

- Fensterman, once again,

You're the shortest guy
in the room.

[laughter]

- Okay, he's doing it.

Dirty joke, then zing somebody
in the crowd.

- Mcswiggins, I'm not gonna
let you ruin dutch's day.

When I was a probie
and you used to ride me,

He would tell me
not to listen to you

Because you were a bully,

And bullies
aren't worth the effort.

- Oh!
- Yeah, chief!

- Nice one, chiefy.

- He also told me
I was a good firefighter

And that one day,
I could be a great chief.

He believed in me,

Which makes him
a better man than you.

- Pandering story, very nice.

- Oh!
- [groans]

- And that's why dutch deserves
to be praised here tonight.

Donkey punch!

[all cheer]
- donkey punch!

- So let's all raise a glass...

To dutch!
- To dutch!

- [chuckles]

- Sentimental finish,
everyone drinks.

Wow, terry, that may have been
the most legendary wake toast

Of all time.

You hit all the points
all while kicking the ass

Of a senior citizen who was
faking being in a wheelchair.

Well done.
- Thank you.

- But now we gotta get
this wake back on the rails.

- [clearing throat]

[off pitch]
♪ oh, danny boy ♪

♪ the pipes,
the pipes are calling ♪

[together]
♪ from glen to glen ♪

♪ and down the mountainside ♪

♪ for summer's gone ♪

♪ and all the roses dying ♪

♪ 'tis you, 'tis you ♪

♪ must go and I must bide ♪

♪ and I'll be here ♪

♪ in sunshine or in shadow ♪

♪ oh, danny boy,
oh, danny boy ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

- To dutch!
- To dutch!

[laughter]

- Tell you what, it was
a hell of a speech, mcconky.

- Thank you very much,
mr. Mcswiggins.

And thank you for being
my punching bag.

- It was my pleasure.
[laughs]

I'll tell you what, your speech
was a hell of a lot better

Than penisi's toast.
- Be careful, mcswiggins.

I'll put you in that wheelchair
for real.

- Hey, you know what?
Here's to dutch!

- Hey, dutch!
All: To dutch!

- I guess we oughta switch ike
and dutch's phones back.

No point in keeping a phone
that I can't unlock.

[phone clicks]
oh.

Holy sh*t!
You guys.

- What the hell?

- [laughs]
- of course.

Why didn't we think
of the death photo before?

- Oh, my gosh.
Open up the cashmo, bro.

- I'm trying to find it.
- Oh, put it away, put it away.

- Granny.
- Oh!

- I almost forgot,
I have the cash you won

In the fantasy football pool.

Dutch may have been cheap,

But he always honored
people's winnings.

- Laura, girl,
that thousand bucks

Barely crossed my mind, right?
- Yeah.

He wasn't saying
anything about it.

We were like...
- He never brought it up.

- Dutch actually had the cash
in his pocket

When he lost the battle
with the woodchipper.

- What the hell?
- He was such a good man.

- Is that
the whole thousand dollars?

- It's all of it.

- Uh, you know what?

I wouldn't feel right
taking that.

You keep it, laura.

Oh, by the way,
here's dutch's phone.

I didn't want it to get lost
after the slideshow.

- Thanks, granny,
that is so sweet of you.

- Of course.

- Sucker.

- Yeah. [chuckles]