02x09 - Taught and Bothered

[bunniefuu]

The law clearly
stipulates that no person

shall withhold payment
for services rendered.

Agreed, but when a haircut
is this bad...

... hasn't he already paid enough?

Not guilty, but I will
recommend house arrest

for three to four weeks...
and a really big hat.

I feel your pain. One time,
I asked for "the Rachel."

Now I know to specify "Maddow."

Oh, so that's our last case
of the night?

Yep! Another early one,
all thanks to Wyatt.

Yeah, I learned from my DJ days

it's all about the setlist.

You set the tone
with animal cases up top,

get things moving with
the drunk and disorderlies,

and then we build to the drop...

muggings, muggings, muggings, muggings,

muggings, muggings, muggings!

Ah-ah-ah! Sex in public!

Where my pervs at?!

Gurgs, what do you think?

Go straight home to your place
or take the scenic route again?

- Hmm.
- 3:00 a.m., New York City.

That's more of the...
crime scenic route, right?

By "scenic," she means "Sea Nick's",

New York's only underwater-themed

male strip club.

- All the dancers are named Nick.
- Ugh.

They'll hire you
if your name isn't Nick.

Uh, so I've heard.

- So you two are living together?
- I'm staying with Gurgs

because there was a m*rder
in my building.

You would not believe
what a true-crime podcaster

is paying to sublet my place.

[LAUGHING] I am cleaning up!

Which the k*ller also did,

because they have found no clues.

Them living together was my idea.

They're like Bert and Ernie
except without

the palpable sexual tension.

Speaking of, Judge, there's
a cutie in the gallery

who's been checking you out all night.

- Really? You sure?
- Definitely.

And it really stands out
because most people

don't pay you any attention at all.

Last night, I counted zero.

I mean, you would think that,
even accidentally,

- someone would glance...
- Okay, yeah, yeah, fine.

I get it. I'm gonna go talk to him.

I just have to...
come up with the perfect line.

Come on, brain. Come on, brain.

Ah! Got it.

Fun fact... did you know

the most common crime of passion
is m*rder?

- Hi. I'm Abby.
- Fun fact... the term "Fun Fact"

was first used in a 1970s
newspaper ad for Wrigley's gum.

Is it even worth
saying my name after that?

It's... It's Jake.

Is this how most conversations start?

It's probably how a lot of them end.

I haven't seen you around
here, which is a good thing

'cause it means you're not a criminal.

Well, get ready to see a
little bit more of me tomorrow.

Wow. Blond guys are easy.

Unfortunately, tomorrow,
I have this stupid

"Sensitivity and Respect
in the Workplace" seminar.

Unless you want to come to that.
Nah. That'd be weird.

It'll be weirder
if I don't come. I'm running it.

That should have been your fun fact.

But I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised.

I run a pretty sensitive
and respectful courtroom.

Yeah, I gotta say...
for an underwater strip club,

Sea Nick's has a top-notch website.

Come on. That thing would sink.

Flobert? You're coming to
our sensitivity training?

Yes. And with that tone,
seems like you need it.

- There he is. Satur-Dan!
- Ugh.

You're happy to be here
on a Saturday, huh?

You don't have that part
of your brain that tells you

when things are bad?!

I know this seminar
isn't your idea of a good time,

- but maybe please be nice?
- Nice?

That ship has sailed, sunk, and
hasn't been found in 30 years.

Why do you care how I act, anyway?

Happy Saturday.

Not if I see you first!

I get it. You like that guy.

Shut up. No, I don't.
Do you think he likes me?

Also, do you think he likes brunch?

Because I made reservations
hoping we finish early.

Oh, good. So we want the same thing.

To go splitsies on eggs Benedict

and chocolate-chip pancakes, get
a little sweet, a little salty?

No. For this to be over quickly.

But you know what? Yeah, I'll go
splitsies on the seminar.

I know. No one wants
to be here on a Saturday.

Personally, I'd rather be hiking.

And would you be doing that
with a wife or a girlfriend...

or just you in your doorless Jeep

with a German Shepherd rescue
who wears a bandana?

It's a good idea you bring this up

before the sexual-harassment
part of the seminar.

Dan, some of us would like
to know if they find Nemo.

Okay. You hold it, then.

I promise this will be quick.

- We just need to get through... this.
- [THUD]

- I'm kidding. Can you imagine?
- [LAUGHS]

'Cause it's so much bigger
than a regular binder!

I know she doesn't want
to die alone, but come on.

Let's start with a hypothetical.

You're hanging out with two co-workers

when they get into an argument
and one of them leaves crying.

- What do you do?
- Great question, Jake.

When I see an upset co-worker,

I follow a triage method
based on warmth.

First level is warm words.
Next is a warm hug.

Code red is warm cookies.
Those hug you from the inside.

[HUSHED] This is why
no one looks at you.

Sorry, Mister "Name Tags Are Stupid."

You'd handle this differently?

First of all,
I wouldn't be "hanging out"

with any co-workers,
and if I found myself

in that situation,
I would fake a heart att*ck.

And when they ask me the next
day if I was feeling better,

instead of answering, I would
fake another heart att*ck.

Actually, boundaries are important.

- That is a perfect answer.
- Ah. That's fun.

Two people can be right
on the same hypothetical.

No. Yours was wrong.

Ooh! He liked mine better,
yours not at all.

We find when employees keep their work

and personal lives separate,

it makes for
a more productive workplace.

Well, here, we like to blend
the personal and work.

You can call it "wersonal"

or you can call it "pork."

Both are equally bad.

The important thing is,

- we all feel valued and appreciated.
- [SNORTS]

Oh, I thought that snort was in my head.

Wyatt, is there something
you'd like to say?

It's just a snort. There doesn't

have to be something behind it.

Well, in my line of work,
when you hear a snort,

there's a story to report.

There's no way that's a saying.

No, it is. I saw it on a mug.

As someone who's winning at sensitivity,

I think it's important
to hear what he has to say.

Okay.

It bothers me that
you never say "thank you."

Ooh!

I thought we all were
gonna make that noise.

I just don't think it's too
much to expect a grown man

- to say "thank you."
- Ooh!

We're really not on the same page here.

Dan, how do you feel
about Wyatt's comment?

It's fine. My co-worker feels strongly,

and I will do everything in my power

to demonstrate my gratitude. I will...

k*ll him with kindness.

See? Totally resolved.

Maybe we should get back
to those fun hypotheticals.

I have a hypothetical that's real.

There's a certain co-worker
who I let live with me

who drank all my favorite
coffee creamer!

You told me to make myself at home.

That's just something people say.

You're not supposed to do it!

I'm sorry. You two are living together?

Oh, yeah. It was, uh... Wait, wait,

it was somebody's idea,
somebody in this room,

a judge, but...

[FINGERS SNAP] ... which one?

- Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh!

And now we work as a team?

Wow. There is a lot going on here.

This is gonna take longer
than I thought.

Okay, well, if you had any plans today,

I would cancel them... now.

- [SCREAMS]
- Gah!

I... I am so sorry.

I... I did not know there
was going to be a shark.

Jake? Didn't expect to see you here.

I... I thought sensitivity training
was a one-time thing.

Well, when my supervisor
asked how it went, I snorted.

Oh, when you snort,
you have to write a report!

Yep. On the day I was supposed
to go hiking with my dog.

And I just had the doors
taken off my Jeep.

Listen. Everything's fine.

I mean, sure,
we weren't great on Saturday,

but some of us were hungry
for chocolate-chip pancakes.

I get it. If you want some pointers,

I am the guy that invented
"Smile and Decline."

It's an HR-approved way to avoid
uncomfortable situations.

Invite me to do something.

How would you like to purchase
a timeshare in Cleveland?

It's the nation's largest hub
for yellow wallpaper.

This is not a hypothetical.

You'll come around.
They all come around.

Your Honor, we're ready to go.

Get ready to watch us "pork."

Please don't write that down.

Uh, Wyatt, before we begin,
I just wanted to say

that I took to heart
what you said the other day,

and I've learned to show my
appreciation in 135 languages.

French... merci beaucoup.

Samoan... fa'afetai.

Elvish... guren glassui. Elvis-ish...

[AS ELVIS PRESLEY] Thank you.
Thank you very much.

- I see what you're doing.
- I also got you this card.

[DAN AS ELVIS] Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

What a heartwarming display.

Another issue resolved
in Abby Stone's court.

Wyatt, case?

The People vs. Arthur and Layla Doyle.

They are charged with unwanted touching.

Your Honor, this is a mistake.

My clients were merely promoting
their small business

by providing free samples.

And what is their business?

They are professional cuddlers.

There's a workplace you could
really write a report on.

Well, we have the police report,

where 19 rush-hour commuters
describe them

as "gropers," "fondlers," "ticklers,"

and, according to one woman,
"handy dandies."

Your Honor, these plucky
entrepreneurs should be able

to promote their product
without being labeled freaks.

Sounds like someone wants a sample.

Whoa! Back off, freaks.

Your Honor, we ask that
you let our HR department

decide our fate.

They know us better
than we know ourselves.

Alright. We get it. Case dismissed.

I'll take a sample.

Ohh! Heh. That'll get
you there. [CHUCKLES]

Your Honor, we have one more
small piece of business

before we go on to the next case.

- "Sarcastic" in C.
- [PITCH-PIPE BLOWS]

♪ Bohm-bohm-bohm ♪

♪ Thank you, Wyatt, for breathing ♪

♪ Thanks for being alive ♪

♪ Thank you for blinking
and eating food ♪

♪ Without a "thank you,"
it would be so rude ♪

♪ So it's thanks
for taking up space and ♪

♪ Thanks for being awake ♪

♪ One last thing you should know ♪

♪ Is that all these "thanks" are fake ♪

♪ They're not real ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

What the hell was that?

Can't you just give Wyatt
a real "thank you"?

He does so much for us!

His shelf-reaching alone is next-level.

People thank each other
entirely too much.

We're expected
to be grateful for nothing.

You handed me a coffee. Here's a dollar.

Thanks for doing your job.

Oh, you held the elevator. Gee. Thanks.

Now I get to breathe air
that was recently in your body.

"Thank yous" should be earned.
That's the world I'm creating.

No "thank you" is necessary.
You're welcome.

I've always wanted to be
the inspiration for a rant.

Thank you. That's how it sounds!

Why can't you two
be more like Olivia and Gurgs?

They sorted out their differences.

Well, I don't know. There
weren't really differences.

I just bought more creamer.

She's being modest.
She had to go to Staten Island.

Most stores don't carry it

because the ingredients
aren't considered legal.

It's the only creamer produced

entirely in international waters.

Actually, Flobert got it.

He was going to Staten Island
to visit his adopted highway.

Don't tell the highway.
It doesn't know it's adopted.

You told Flobert?
Now the word's gonna get out.

- It'll be impossible to get.
- That man is an influencer.

You know, he is
single-handedly responsible

for the revitalization of
Cleveland's wallpaper district.

Great. Now all I'll be able to get

are those gross seasonal flavors.

I don't care if it is Cinco de Mayo...

no one wants their coffee
tasting like guacamole!

What's happened to us?!

Jake has us turning on each other

when I should be turning him on!

Picture yourself in a luxury condo

with a view of the Rock & Roll
Hall of Fame's...

parking lot.

Jake, I need to speak with you.

Good. Talk it over with the wife.

I'll be standing right over there.

You know, ever since you got
here, everyone's been on edge.

Interesting. And that's my fault?

Because it wasn't my idea

to have your prosecutor
move in with your bailiff.

Well, before this whole creamer thing,

they were having a lot of fun
objectifying men together.

Also, is it true that you
locked your staff in your office

and made them tell you
their personal secrets?

Not this week.

Did I also hear

that you tagged along
on a co-worker's date?

Only because Dan wanted
to have sex with a woman

who was going to k*ll him!

That's got to be a loophole!

I understand this would be
frowned upon in some workplaces,

but here we're a family.

Except you're not. It's work.

Are you telling me
how to run my courtroom?

Well, it's kind of my job.
Look, I'm starting to think

you're a little too close to all this.

I think the best thing to do
is to have another meeting.

I don't think us having
another meeting is a good idea.

I completely agree.
You shouldn't be involved.

So you're having an HR meeting about me?

I'm reporting that.
It makes me uncomfortable.

I couldn't help but notice

there's a little trouble in paradise.

You know, Cleveland is a great
town to be newly divorced in.

Really, Dan? A "thank you" flash mob?!

When is this going to end?!

When you've experienced the full force

and fury of my gratitude.

I was in an elevator! 20 people
started dancing around.

I thought I was gonna die!

What are you waiting for, gossip girl?

Why aren't you telling
all this to Flobert?

Well, at least Flobert
doesn't use my deodorant.

My wife and I share deodorant.

We share everything... except the bed.

- Where the hell is this HR guy?
- Sorry I'm late.

Ah. Jake's not here? Who calls
a meeting and doesn't show?

- It's so unprofessional.
- Maybe he bailed because

he only likes me and he heard
the rest of you

insensitive losers were gonna be here.

Totally. In the meantime, though,

maybe we talk through some stuff

just to k*ll some time
until Jake can break away

from whatever it is that's keeping him?

I really have to be somewhere.

You were gifted
an hour-long throuple cuddle.

- That's what you're getting.
- Ugh!



Kind of like I wasted 20 seconds.



is supposed to help you feel
more connected.

Then shouldn't I be doing it with Dan?

It's important to create unity
throughout the entire team.

And Dan refused to participate.

I wish I had refused to do
that trust fall with Flobert.

If I was supposed to catch you,

it should be called a "trust catch."

Where's that guy who said
everything I do is right?

- I liked him.
- We don't need Jake.

We can deal with our problems
like a family.

So you want us to resent other

but also share a cellphone plan?

Gurgs, why does that creamer
mean so much to you?

I don't know. Maybe because
when I was growing up,

I never had anything that was all mine.

Or maybe years of drinking toxic creamer

just makes your brain weird.

Either way, we are ready to help.

- Flobert?
- Mm. Mm-hmm.

What's he doing with that, Judge?

You're scared of losing that creamer,

so Flobert is gonna
help you face that fear

by drinking an entire carton
right in front of you.

It'll be tough to watch
for all of us, but...

it might help one of us.

It might k*ll one of us.
Murray! That's poison!

And your barbershop quartet
just made regionals!

Abby promised to sit through

a three-hour Cleveland presentation.

If I don't move those condos,

my wife's never gonna
let me back in that bed.

Ah. Here we go! Whew.

Ugh! Oh, I... I can't watch.
He's not appreciating it!

And there's no way
he can taste the notmeg.

Yes, I said "notmeg." Legally,
that's what they gotta call it!

- Ohh!
- Ugh. If this is what it takes

to live with Gurgs,
I'll just move back to my place.

Fine. Then no more joint birthday party.

It didn't make sense anyway.
Mine's June, yours is December.

Fine! Then I'll call your friend

and tell her the party's off!

Hey, friend? Yeah? The party's off!

No, I will not let us drift apart!

We are a family and we love each other!

Can I stop drinking now?

You're all getting real blurry.

Not until we're friends again.
That stupid Jake can't win!

You h*jacked my seminar?

Before you start throwing blame around,

I didn't know that Flobert
was lactose-intolerant!

- You live, you learn.
- What you did

with those cuddlers
was completely unprofessional.

Sure, I felt like I was back in the womb

and it gave me validation
I never received from

an emotionally distant father,
but I have a job to do.

So do I, but you're not letting me,

and then I'm left to pick up the pieces

while you're off
to blow up another office.

Most offices don't get blown up.

It's usually just people
tuning me out for 45 minutes,

then I find a Quizno's and eat a

toasted sandwich alone in my car.

Why couldn't you
just let me do my thing?

Because my thing was working

until you showed up with your
"Smile and Decline."

Hey! That technique saves
hundreds of feelings every day.

You know what your problem is?
You see one way of doing things,

and if anyone has the nerve
to suggest anything else,

it drives you crazy.

Ugh. Well, you know
what your problem is?

You don't see people as people.

You just see them as potential lawsuits.

That's why you play everything too safe.

Probably live your life the same way.

I don't know what trails you're
taking that dog hiking on,

but I bet he can handle way harder ones!

He is afraid of hawks,
and he has every right to be.

They are k*lling machines!

Man, I can't believe
I ever thought you were cute.

I can't believe I thought
of first-date spots for us.

Well, I didn't know you did that.

Well, I wish I hadn't,
because you're the worst!

You're the worst!

- Consent to ravage you?
- Consent given.

We were just checking to see
if we could leave, and, uh...

- Yeah.
- What's the deal? Can I go home or not?!

Run, Dan. Run.

Wait. What do you mean?
Are... Are they...

- Yes, and it's evolving.
- Ohh...

Wyatt, I don't know what to say.

I think you do.

Thank you.

You know, I think that was
the first unprofessional thing

- I've ever done.
- Well, don't worry.

- I won't report you to HR.
- I think I'm coming around

to the idea that work relationships

don't need to be entirely professional.

Well, full disclosure...

there may be some problems
with my approach, too.

I don't know. Making a man chug creamer

seems like a pretty good
team-building exercise.

Okay. No one said chug.
He could have sipped it.

Well, you'll be happy to know

that we have forms
that address this situation.

- We have a situation?
- We had an incident.

But if you sign here,
then it's a situation.

You're so good
at filling out those forms.

Let's get out of here. I can
fill these out on the way.

Let's go.

[DIDGERIDOO PLAYING]

- Hey... Ugh.
- Aww!

- Aww! Heh heh!
- Aww!

What are they watching?

Videos of koalas jumping
into peoples' arms.

Apparently, that's exactly
how you and blondie

slammed together.

- Yeah, we did.
- Yeah...

Anyway, uh, now that
they're all warmed up,

I'm gonna go get
my presentation materials

so I can give them the full Cleveland.

Here's a taste...

"The lake is anything but Erie."

Huh? Ha ha, yeah!

Everyone's really getting along.

It's at my expense and I'm
humiliated, but it's worth it.

Yeah, nothing brings a family together

like watching their weird aunt
make out with the stranger

they didn't know she was going
to invite to Thanksgiving.

You should see what we have
planned for Christmas.

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

Want a splash of the good stuff?

Aww. That's mighty generous of you.

I've got plenty now, thanks to Olivia.

Oh, I can't take all the credit.

[CHUCKLES] Or any of it.

My friend works at the FDA,

and they've been stockpiling it
for research.

So far, it hasn't k*lled any mice...

though it did make a few age in reverse.

Flobert drank a whole bottle,

and it's not like he turned
into a kid or something.

Okay, everybody!

Who's ready to hear about Cleveland?

I can't afford to get any shorter.

Oh. I see you all met my nephew.

He knows how to work the VCR.