music what kind of music would a pizza
play if a pizza played a song
would it blink would it trip like a
magic field
would it moan um
flying like a chinese g*n
[Music]
what kind of music would a pizza make
absolutely nothing pizza charlie or
music pizzas
yes i see i see excuse me sir who
took the order horsey voice a little
attitude problem
i wonder who that could be you ordered a
an anchovy pizza
no sir you are right there is a big
difference between rice krispies and
anchovies
rice krispies is a cereal and anchovies
are those slimy
yucky disgusting little brown fishy
things that taste like canned worms and
when i find out which nincompoop
put the rice krispies cereal on the
pizza he's
really gonna get it i didn't do it
and if you won't tell sherry i would
never do it again oh please
you sent out a pizza topped with rice
krispies
we were all out of fruit loops how could
you possibly put rice crispy
cereal on a pizza look i was rehearsing
all night for that dumb
audition you know today at school and i
was tired the order came in
early in the morning and in the morning
i always think of
rice crispy cereal sure he's going to be
very
mad at you well not if you don't tell
her
you i don't lie to sherry if that's what
you're asking lie who said lie
how about this what she don't ask you
don't tell
this is gonna cost you what how much
someday you're gonna have to do me a
favor oh i will
owe you a big one and i decide how big
uh oh grandma what big
eyes you have good morning harley
morning jerry
what big eyes you have oh thank you very
much
oh hi sherry i was just going over my
lines
what lines our school's doing little red
riding hood the musical
are you trying out yeah for what part
little red riding hood oh that's
wonderful and
who else is trying out just about
everybody's trying out for it who's
everybody
charlie horses and hush puppy and lamb
chops
well nobody told me about it lamb chop
what part
are you trying out for i'm trying out
for the part of little red
riding hood and i'm gonna get
it oh really really
how do you know because i am the i am
the natural for the
little little like nightingale okay what
do you mean we both have little red
capes with hoods
yours is orange close enough
the last time we practiced being the
wolf and the grandma you shoved me in
the closet
also what it's in the script yeah well
the next thing that happens in the
script
is that the wolf eats grandma up and
frankly
charlie horse i just don't trust you
this is going to be a very tough choice
at school both you and holly
are perfect for the role of little red
riding hood
my sweetie have you learned your lines
have you been practicing
no no when it comes to practicing
i don't need to do the thing i
just have to i
just did
if you want to get a part you
[Music]
i can't think of anything worse
i'll just let my voice do everything
memorizing must be done
[Music]
but with practice
[Music]
oh
never hear bonnie do that
[Music]
lamb chop go ahead
say it say what i told you so
why would i say i told you so because i
didn't get the thought
why not because i didn't know my lines
why not because i didn't rehearse that's
why
not oh sweetheart i'm not going to say i
told you sky
and say it say it i deserve it no no no
i'm not going to say that but how would
you like me to help you
to learn the lines to your big scene and
maybe if you're prepared to act and to
sing
they'll let you audition again this
afternoon
sure now what's the most dramatic line
you have to sing in the whole play and
my grandma grandma
how big your nose is grown well you said
that without any dynamics in your voice
at all dynamite in my voice i could blow
myself
up no not dynamite dynamics that means
changes in volume
huh volume louder and softer you know
you said it so softly i could hardly
hear you when
little red riding hood sees her scary
grandma yeah what do you think
her voice should sound like
i mean should it be happy frightened
scared really yeah scared like like that
nervous voice that i got that day i
broke your curl necklace well
little you broke my pearl necklace
i glued it all back together again oh
wonderful
all right now what do you think if you
were to see
a scary grandma with a hairy face what
would you say
i'd say i think she needs a shade no no
no
do you think you might grow more
frightened every time
you looked at her yeah okay okay just
sing the word
grandma grandma
grandma grandma oh that was good
did you see what you did now what did i
did what you did
was you your voice got higher
and higher and higher the more
frightened you became and it got louder
and louder and louder let's look at the
music that's just what the music does
like the music gets scared no look the
music
goes higher and higher and higher
every time you sing oh grandma
grandma grandma and this sign means you
get
louder and louder and louder
that's how little red riding hood shows
her fear
now sing it
oh grandma grandma grandma
oh that was good that's good acting ah
nothing's very good now my darling you
go in
study your music and if you're prepared
to sing and act
i'll bet they'll let you audition again
this afternoon guess what
i think i got the role of a big bad wolf
no
yeah that makes you think so well mrs
horowitz invited me back
to audition this afternoon for the final
audition terrific
uh i take it that that's the grandma
costume
no i got you all a little great riding
with mother
the mother i see yeah it's a drag
but uh i love the paw yeah well
let me tell you something you should
have seen
holly's audition holly she got the role
a little red riding hood
oh she was powerful and yet
sensitive it was awesome she was just
outstanding
she knew every single word
wow yeah and you know when she was
finished with her audition she got two
standing ovations two whoa
let me get this straight you want to
audition to play the part of
the wolf yeah i wasn't right to play
little red riding hood
big deal i mean let's face it
she isn't that bright couldn't tell the
difference between her grandmother and
the wolf
do not invite this girl to a family
reunion
lamb chop lancel i am crying out
for the part of the wolf but you haven't
got your part yet
you want me to teach you to get the part
that i want
yeah you owe me a favor mr rice crispy
that's ridiculous lamb chop is gonna
play the wolf yeah
did you ever act in a play oh i'll be
honest with you i never liked actors
all they do is worry was i good was i
bad
do they love me do they hate me is this
my good
side is this my not so good side if it
wasn't for actors
every tv show every movie would be made
by walt disney and at this
very minute we would all be cartoons let
me ask you a question why
why does lamb chop want to play the wolf
wouldn't that make her a
sheep in wolves clothing yeah
even i would make a better bad guy
not you me me
i could play such a good
bad guy
once they cast a villain the show can
finally start
i'll bet if i audition i could get the
part
everyone who knows me keeps telling me
to try
they say i'd be a natural well i can't
imagine why
oh i could be the bad guy that you love
to say
being called a troublemaker suits me
great
i could play the wolf as well as anyone
pretending to be back and be such fun
criminal or outlaw a scoundrel or a scam
if you're talking low life i really am
the champ
rascal or a stallion or plain
old-fashioned crook
for somebody to do and hiss you know you
should love
oh i could play the bad guy i could play
him too
doing all the things we're not supposed
to do
cause him trouble
[Music]
if you need someone who's willing i
could be the perfect villain
you can count on me
[Music]
[Music]
any time that you desire it i'll help
you to play a pirate
that's a guarantee oh we could play the
bad guy that's not how to
tell a nasty little thinker
[Music]
[Applause]
pretending to be bad
okay okay lamb chop go on
say it the better to eat you
is my dear huh that's a wolf
yeah you sound like mary poppins how
come
but your voice is too high to play a
wolf i mean you have to play a wolf down
here
not up here down here you know what i
alright let me show you
watch this the better to see you with
my dear the better to hear you with my
dear
the better too what are you doing
i got it i got it what
we'll both do the part what
yeah yeah let's share being the wolf in
the play
you owe me a big favor i know but how
can i share
the role of the wolf i mean only one
person at a time can play a part in a
play right
wrong you got that deep voice so you say
the words
and i will flap my lips and i will act
like the wolf
but it will be your voice and who no
oh no what do you mind everybody will
see my mouth moving and they'll know
it is me talking not if jerry teaches
you how to talk
without moving your lips
yes it is you want me to teach charlie
horse to be
a ventriloquist uh-huh you always say
that when somebody is very good at
something they should teach it to
others my uncle taught me how to suck a
milkshake through my nose
i'm sorry okay let me get this straight
um charlie horse is going to say the
wolf's words
okay and you are going to be on stage
pretending to say those words that's
right
i'm going to be lips thinking
lip-syncing
you always tell us teamwork teamwork
teamwork yeah but
i don't think this team is going to work
why not charlie goes come here
please come over here honey i just don't
understand what's going on
you want me to teach you how to talk
without moving your lips
how hard can that be watch how you're
sharing what's up
without covering your mouth oh nobody
can do that
is that so who said that
oh this is cool oh this is cool okay
could you teach me how to do it all
right
all right when you do ventriloquism you
make two different kinds of a sound
as you speak you make consonants and you
say the vowels what do you mean
okay a e i o u
did you notice that as i said the vowels
i hardly brought my lips together a e
i o u can you do that no i think so
a e i o u see he didn't bring his lips
together either
but when you say the consonants lots of
them you really
bang your lips together b p m
f w try it b
b m f w
yep you really you saw how his lips went
banging together
now when you do ventriloquism you don't
bring your lips together
you use the tip of your tongue and you
put it
up against the back of your teeth ah
try it what is going on actually i was
calling my tongue
you did not swell her yet you okay i'm
fine
oh good okay now to do ventriloquism
instead of banging your lips together to
say belly button you would say
belly button and you would touch your
tongue
to the back of your teeth how do i start
all right how do you start
if you want to start being a
ventriloquist in front of a mirror watch
yourself
at all times and say the alphabet
without moving your lips i
they say they a
f g good and if you do that again and
again
you'll learn ventriloquism now if he
does that again and again
he'll learn the alphabet
i have a failure a zero
a zilch no no i am the donut
hole in the bakery of life
so what happened sweetie at the audition
i was really
into the part i had the look
i had the move jolly horse had the voice
you know
we were doing great yeah that sounds
great what happened
well what happened is i got a frog in my
throat
bigger than kermit and you know i'm
caution
and he's talking he's still said the
lines
it looked like one of those foreign
movies you know like the kung fu movies
where they actually
moving their lips after they have
stopped talking you know like this
hello how are you so you know
that's when everybody finished laughing
at me
they gave the wolf
to charlie boy oh
it isn't your fault okay you just have
to remember not to give up on yourself
and also you can't take this personally
all right all right
all right maybe i can blame it on
charlie hoyt well
say something how do i look like a hound
dog in heels
oh well you know i just love playing the
part of the mother
this is the only chance in my whole life
that i'm gonna get to be a mother
unless of course i have kids
no no no no no hey your two brothers
are in the school play and you are not
going
to attend not that is so
rude it is not so rude
they are in in the school play and i'm
not
in this little play and they're not
going to miss me you know what
it's just as well that you stay home
with cookie i mean the mood that you are
in
you're going to spoil it for all the
others
hey good night darling
so you know i uh
oh what's going on
it hurts you know everybody is in the
place
him to play home and i'm not in the play
i i i know the feeling but i mean
oh and he's so rough he walks around all
day saying guess what
i got the part of the wolf
and then and then hashtag he says
playing the mother in the play is a real
drag but you know it's probably the only
chance i'll get to be a mother in my
whole life
oh i'm sorry charlie's justice becky did
you hear
sherry she said maybe it's just as well
you stay here with cookie
i mean the mood you're in you're going
to spoil it for all the others
oh my goodness thank you excuse me but
do you know
you are amazing did you see what you
just did what did i did you imitated
perfectly hush puppy charlie
and sherry do you know my little
lamborghini you are going to
show the world
[Music]
one with pineapples and olives and one
pizza with
rice krispies
ladies and gentlemen but i'm a miss here
dudes and dudettes it is my privilege to
present you the woman of the hour
the lamb of the 90s doing her
one woman column four full
voice production of little red riding
hood
highway let's hear it
once upon a time there was a girl and
she was sweet
but she was good and as you might have
guessed her name
was little red riding hood
your grandma isn't feeling well and she
could use a lift
so visit her this cake and milk would be
a welcome kid
remember to remain upon the path and
never stray
if you wander off the road you just
might lose your way
i'm sure you know the woods are full of
wolves and all the dangers and it goes
without saying you should never talk to
strangers be careful don't stumble or
the bottle could break and you know how
much your grandma likes a glass of milk
with cake now off you go it's getting
late and everything you said
so she went into the woods and guess who
she
[Music]
i'm on my way to grandma's house to pay
a little visit
don't let me pass i don't think that's
too much to ask how is
it the world is really listening as the
girl major appeal and sort
it has been much too long since i last
had a meal
but now i have a hunch i may be talking
to my lunch
oh this little girl looks sweet yes she
looks good enough to eat
but even though she would be tasty till
i mustn't be
too hasty i just need a way to trick her
so i need to think this through if i get
to grandma's quicker
then my lunch could be the girl to take
the milk
and grandma
[Music]
right then the wolf start of our way
this course little reds delay
he said why not bring a nice bouquet it
would surely brighten your grandmother's
day
okay
to brighten her day while riding hood in
the next few
hours in the forest speaking flowers the
wolf went off to grandma's on this
fateful day
locked her in the closet grandma heard
the world say i'm gonna put on your
nightie and hide under your cover and
wait in your bed to discover
quite upsetting so off she ran to
grandma's house
and at the door she knocked but when she
did she was surprised to find the door
unlocked
and then a strange voice come within
said red riding hood where have you been
come in i see you brought a treat now
please come here and take a seat
but as you drew closer to the bed little
red saw something hard and said
grandma what big eyes you have the
better to see you my dear
[Music]
they make it easy to eat the wolf jumped
out of bed saying
red you'll make a very good meal but she
hit him with a bottle of milk saying
you're a bad wolf
justin a hunter who was passing by
bursting
and said what can i do red let out a
thankful science said take this wolf
away to the zoo
and inside
[Music]
[Music]
and i'm glad to report that everyone
lives happily
[Applause]
[Music]
i am so good
[Music]
you can't
[Music]
but we could still be friends
i hope that you'll still be friends
i know that you'll still see friends
will still be friends