01x07 - A Pirate's Life

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Charlie Horse Music Pizza". Aired: January 5, 1998 – January 17, 1999.*
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Show takes place around a pizzeria on the beach.
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01x07 - A Pirate's Life

Post by bunniefuu »

what kind of music would a pizza play if

a pizza played a song

would it plank would it trip like a

magic flute

would a tinkle a tinkly tune wouldn't it

boom flying like a chinese g*n

[Music]

nothing pizza music

pizza come here the charlie horse music

pizza play

nothing pizza music

pizza

what kind of music will the pizza make

[Music]

oh i think i got a big one

oh i got me a giant fish a giant fish

it's gonna be a 200 pound monster marlin

caught by that

master mongrel me

oh darn it it's a shoe

well look at it this way you can't wear

fish

get off my lanyard silly oh that's what

i love

about fishing you never know what you're

gonna catch next

sometimes i think everything in the

world is in this ocean

except maybe fish

i love fishing

fishing is my natural condition

but today i only caught me

two lift shoes that's why

i got those they ain't frightened blues

just takes a little hook and lots and

lots of wishing

but today my little hook

is one of those fish refused that's why

i got those same fighting blues

someday

that prize one weighs about 400

[Music]

i think you're only dreaming

my ambition

is one sunday i'll reel my favorite fish

in

yummy some salmon awesome fish

some dab or crab or crawfish and that

will be

the day did i lose

those unexpected

[Music]

so how's the fishing hush puppy really

fine i don't see any fish well the

fishing is fine the catching is

terrible hey what's in your bottle looks

like a piece of paper

what is it you know charlie horse i

think it's a

map oh i think it's a treasure map

a pirate treasure map

oh i'm gonna be rich beyond

my wildest dreams oh oh

save me charlie hall save you from what

your wildest dreams ah

no from the pirate who

he could be in the bushes watching us

right now

and what if the pirate wants his

treasure back

forget it what do you mean there hasn't

been any pirates for hundreds of years

wowie that means that this is a very old

treasure map from a pirate uh hush puppy

if this was an ancient treasure map what

is it doing in a coke bottle

not everybody likes evernote i'm sorry

Rock A Bye Baby

rock-a-bye baby and a big squiggly line

i just can't figure it out well i happen

to know that a treasure map's supposed

to have an

x that marks the spot there's no x here

yeah but there is a spot where will you

put your finger

yes fingers would you please wash your

hands after you leave the garbage bin

you know we should show the treasure map

to cherry maybe she can figure it out

yeah but don't tell her it's a treasure

map

you mean let her guess no

we hope she doesn't guess that way we

can keep our treasure all to ourselves

our treasure

i'm the one who found the map great you

can keep the map

we'll keep the treasure hey kids

don't say anything what have you got

there it's a map

but we don't know what it is i never

could read a map

oh you can't eat it oh come on you read

music don't you

well yeah well reading a map is just

like reading music

where's the very treasure in the music

i think i know i know what uh when you

finish playing the music you feel like a

million bucks

yeah but this isn't music i mean unless

you count the part that says rock a bye

baby

well darling i'm telling you if you can

read music you can read them up

what written music is just like a map

do you guys know what a musical staff is

we're your staff and we're musical

no no no that is not what i mean so what

do you mean

this is a musical staff it has five

lines

one two three four five five lines

please think of it as a road

you take this road and you'll get just

where you want to go

if you look out for the traffic sign now

the notes are signs that tell you

where to go when the notes go up the

music goes up the bar lines separate one

measure

from another measure you know what

they're like ah they're like fences

separating one yard from another yard

but what is that squiggly line the the

thing that looks like a seven with a

loop

oh you mean this squiggle this

means don't play it's a rest i need a

rest

my goodness my head is so full of new

stuff i need a Kn*fe

follow the music road the music room

follow the music all you have to do is

read

each dot and line is a traffic sign that

tells you where to go

if the note goes high you go high

if the know goes low go low lower

lower lower

follow the melody it's simple as your

abc

follow the tune and soon you cr*ck the

music code

is a beautiful sound so how can you ever

go wrong if we follow along the music

roll

[Music]

notes are one kind of sign here's

another

and the name for this sign is a rest

it's a kind of a musical breather that's

designed

like bangers there's another sign

it's a fact of a line that's important

to comprehend

it means that your musical journey

has finally come to the end

but that double line with some double

dots

means your journey is incomplete

a double line with some double dots is

the sign that says repeat

is the sign that says repeat the p

is the sign that says repeat stop

it means repeat from the top

[Music]

so how can you ever go wrong if you

follow

[Music]

are we all here no no takeout is in here

no i told you take out a standing guard

what is he guarding

well he's standing guard so that nobody

finds out

our plans what are our plans

well you know shari said we can read any

map if we just follow the signs

unfortunately what we've got to go on is

an ancient map that says

rock-a-bye baby on the treetop will that

sound so

simple to me we look for a tree with a

baby

in it ah yeah yeah a 200 year old baby

there can't be too many of them around

no i don't think so hush wait a minute i

got an idea

charlie sing that tune again you mean um

on the treetop sounds voiced in the

voice time

no no no listen to how the notes go up

and down and up and down

it's like this wavy line on the map here

see la la la la la la

you know this line looks like the two

humps on a camel

well that's it we just have to go up and

down the camels

we got a horse a dog a lamb and even a

raccoon but

definitely no camel okay well maybe the

line represents two hills

but there's no hills around here this is

a beach remember

yeah and you know what i think the sand

dunes go up and down like the lumps on

the back of the camel not lumps humps

oh no she's right we just got to go up

and down the two sand dunes back there

let's go no no not so fast we don't go

now because there are too many people

around we don't want them to know about

the treasure will go tonight when the

moon

is full when is the moon full

when is the moon full after it eats

dinner

I Love To Cook

i love to cook i love my job i love to

bake

i when i love when the pain stops

oh mama

[Music]

where is everybody cookie where are you

oh oh oh thank goodness i

i thought you i thought you had

disappeared too two why who else

disappeared

who else everybody the kids take out

junior everybody no no no

no concerned don't don't be concerned

they're fine

they're in costume they're having a good

time it's not even halloween

i get so confused you know it's the

fourth of july before you know it

it's christmas day it's father's day

it's mother's day it's dora's day but

where did they go

where did they go before you know it's

the end of the year poof just like that

no

no not the days the kids where did they

go oh the kids

the kids are outside at this time of

night yeah

oh that's terrible no no no it's not

terrible it's good why

junior's with them don't worry do you

realize that they're out there

and we have peace and quiet

so i noticed so i noticed uh they were

in costume

yeah hatch on their eye big rubber sword

a hat with a feather they were either

pirates or they were madonna's backup

group

iris pirates that's what they were

pirates oh yeah there's that map

yes i'll bet they were headed for the

sand dunes what sand dunes i gotta go

follow them you got a phone i don't know

why they're going i don't know either oh

oh oh good oh you're going out oh yes oh

yeah you're getting dressed

oh can i borrow your sunglasses no

they're yours thank you thank you

oh they look good okay okay this will be

a skirt uh-huh it's fine

and uh it's harper your mop my mop your

mop

thank you how do i look you look like a

dream sir

thank you just like a dream like a bad

dream

Pirate Song

yoho yoho

[Music]

yoho

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

our favorite pleasure and we dig

slobbery treasure in the sand

we roll our panty loons up and we dig

those old doubloons up which we dizzy up

amongst our pirate bands

yes we do just what we pleases when we

sail the seven seas from the

arctic down to d antarctica

and where the four winds blow we sing yo

ho no ho no

[Music]

we dressed like captain hook in that

famous pirate book

cause that's how you should look if

you're a pirate

when a ship comes into sight we give

them such a fright

they give up without a fight cause

you're a pirate

whether englishman or yank with no

regards or frank

they gotta walk the flank when we desire

it and we sail off with their stuff

cause you just can't have enough when

you're an

ill-mannered wicked thieving evil-minded

unbelieving vile seditious avaricious

most ungracious ostentatious real

ferocious

Pirate Map

good good good good good now let's start

digging all right men we passed the twin

dunes

now where to take out oh well huh the

map here it says

death the halls that the halls

you know what i don't see one hallway in

the middle of this whole beach

and if there was why would we want to

duck them exactly

you know what there's no boughs of holly

either

you know you know the song deck the

halls with bowser paulie

that's it give me that map you see these

marks here

they go down enough just like the song

deck the halls with boughs of holly

merry christmas so what i still say that

isn't a pirate map first of all no

x and now it's just up and down and up

and down and down and down and up and up

what is that

yeah see these steps

are just like the notes in the song see

i'll show you

it goes da

paulie

right so we dig here

we're captain i'm not the captain you're

the captain

forget it where do we date there's no

act anywhere

well i don't know exactly where we did

but the next clue is see saw marjorie

dawg

oh that's just another song see

saw marjorie that explains it yeah

does anyone see a seesaw

hey i get it you guys

we have to follow the music

just just like the other clues see saw

marjorie doc huh everybody's

up down down

up down up down did you look at us

i mean we're dressed as pirates doing

squats by the light of the moon

hold everything look what i see ahoy

you see a horn you see a seesaw

no but it could definitely be a margaery

The Sand Lady

daw

hello darlings oh it has been so

long since i have seen pirates around

these parts

are you really marginally dark no

my merry monkey i am the sand lady

the sand lady and you are we are looking

for a seesaw

somebody said they saw sea saw that the

seashore but we don't see no seesaw do

you see a seesaw

no darling i do not see a sensor

but i saw a season once

you see this used to be a volleyball

court

you know volleyball and and there was a

children's playground over there

children playing and there is where the

seesaw was

you will find two logs crossed like

an x that x marks the spot of where the

seesaw was what are you looking at

go start digging make yourself useful

an axe finally now i believe it's a

pirate map

where'd she go who cares just come on

d hey we found something

Pirate Treasure

oh oh look at that it's a pirate

treasure chest

uh no but close it's an old orange crate

oh great

just what we needed old oranges no jolly

hoes

this is our very first pirate treasure

only i don't think this is our treasure

because look there's a message on it it

it says

if you find you can drop this box

please call me at telephone number

five five five eight four

nine four you know i may be out to lunch

here

but i don't think they had telephone

numbers long ago

yes so what do we do now well i guess

it's back to the music pizza to call

this guy

okay

[Music]

Message Machine

[Music]

read it read it okay okay if you find

this box please call me

at telephone number five five five eight

four nine four eight four nine four

oh it's ringing oh goodness

oh shucks it's a message machine it says

hello how are you have you been all

right

to all the lonely lonely nights leave a

message for eric troyer after the beep

that's right that's what the answering

machine says

how did you know because i'm eric troyer

no

you're eric troyer of the electric light

orchestra part two

indeed do you know that i know all of

your songs i bought all your albums

so you're the one wait a minute i was

just talking to you on the phone so

how did you get here so fast i've been

watching you through these

hey why were you spying on us yeah

well i wanted to see if you were smart

enough

and musical enough to follow my treasure

map

so are you telling me that this uh

treasure map that i

fished out of the ocean in a bottle is

yours

yes and you know what you are a great

fisherman

you should have seen the tennis shoes

did i fish out of the ocean

one of them fought me for an hour those

are great yes

but listen listen mister you're saying

that that

treasure chest is yours well no now it's

yours oh hurry i'll open it

i meant it for whomever found it what's

in it

wow this is my first guitar oh

oh you made it my first drum oh

you broke it my first song you wrote it

i wrote it oh i love this stuff

thank you so much right yeah you know i

hate to say this mr sawyer

that's troyer whatever but you know this

treasure of yours is really

junk hey you know it all depends on how

you look at it what are you talking

about

everyone feels that certain things are

special to them even if they may not

mean anything to other people yeah

that's right

so this stuff you call junk it happens

to be

my old toys when i was a kid my old

musical instrument toys

and when i could play real instruments

my mother wanted to throw them all away

no so rather than lose my favorite

things

i put them in a box buried them in the

sand and threw the map

into the sea so that someday kids like

you might find them

and love them and enjoy them like i oh

and i found it

and i loved them and i thank you so much

and you know what here's a special one

for you mr fisher puppy

oh thank you

[Laughter]

oh yes you know that's how we knew where

to dig

for the treasure who told you the

science lady

yeah sand lady yeah oh yes she lives on

the beach

you know she helped us find the treasure

and i really wish that we could share

some of this stuff with her

why don't you well i don't know where

she is would you like me to give it to

her

you know where she is oh i know

everything about her

mr sawyer try her try her uh did i

happen to tell you that

i also love this stuff no you didn't

yeah so are there any more of the good

one huh no i gave that one to hush

why well hush knows that the best

treasures are not found in a pirate's

chest

what do you mean well their memories

their music

Still Be Friends

and the friends you make

[Music]

but i have the sun and the beach and the

music

i'm the richest guy i know

[Music]

i don't have a fifth hero mansion

[Music]

but i have the sun and the beach and the

music

i'm so lucky what i've got

and after the summer is

over when the warm summer breezes are

gone

the sun and the beaches still go in my

heart

and the melody's

[Music]

without someone to share them with you

[Music]

best of all

[Music]

so

[Music]

we could still be friends

i hope that we'll still be friends

i know that we'll still be friends

we will still be

[Music]

friends
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