01x04 - Seating/Tryouts

[bunniefuu]

Boy: in a middle school full of bullies,

Insane teachers,

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me-- and my two best friends

Try to do the impossible--

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ turn it up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive with no doubt

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And i...

Boy: "ned's declassified school survival guide"--

Your results may vary.

Now remember, class.

This is going to be on the pop quiz.

Boy: what is it about school

That makes us want to sit in the back?

Do kids who sit in the back of the class

Really have more fun?

Is the back seat of the bus actually an extreme thrill ride?

Then there's the exclusive table

At the back of the cafeteria.

No doubt: ♪ you got me feeling hella good ♪

♪ So let's just keep on dancing ♪

Boy: but is the cool table really cooler?

There's room over here!

[Record scratches]

We have got to find a way to sit at the cool table.



I don't get it.

It seems like just a normal lunchroom table.

But you know? I do feel cooler.

What's the big deal?

Why do you guys want to sit at the cool table?

That's like saying, "why do you want to sit courtside

At a lakers game?"

Yeah.

Or why do you want to sit on a cold toilet seat?

Actually, no. It's not like that.

Well, give up the dream.

There's never any seats available.

That's why tomorrow we get here early

And sit at the cool table

Before the cool kids get here.

Deal. Fine.

Ooh, I got to go.

If I'm late for science,

I'll get the old, busted desk

In the back of class.

Oh, sh**t.

Mr. Sweeney: miss mosely,

There's a delightful seat here in the front of the class.

Join us up front.

Be one of us.

Mr. Sweeney: now, class,

Let's discuss newton's third law,

Which came after the first law.

Now pay attention. There's gonna be a pop quiz.

[Bell rings]

Don't forget.

Tomorrow, we dine at the cool table.

Yep.

Dude, what is that?

The butt bouncer.

There's a pothole at the end of the school driveway.

If I sit on the back of the bus

With this on my back when we hit it,

Whoa, nelly. Ha ha!

Hey.

If you want a bigger bounce,

What you need is a bigger pothole.

Just apply newton's third law.

For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.

Big pothole,

Cookie goes through the roof.

[Record scratches]

Whoa. When did you get so smart?

I don't know.

I think I learned it in sweeney's class.

Sounds good to me.

Tomorrow, I start digging.

Uh, it's a long story.

Can I borrow a pickax?

A pickax? I can't give a pickax

To an unsupervised minor.

Well, what do you need it for?

I'm gonna enlarge the pothole

Out in the school driveway

To make the biggest bus bounce in history.

Now, wait, wait. Oh, wait.

Now, now, now. What am I thinking?

You're gonna need a jackhammer.

And some adult supervision.

[Bell rings]

We did it.

We're sitting at the cool table!

And here come our cool new lunch mates.

Whoa. This is the cool table.

Not today.

On wednesday, the cool table is located

At the south side of the cafeteria.

Oh, but this is the cool table, too.

Ha ha ha! Yeah, right. Look at her.

Oh, cookie. Be careful.

I sense danger in your future--pain.

What about me?

What do you see in my beans, lunch lady?

The dodgers are gonna win the world series this year.

It's in the beans, baby.

That's it. Write down this new tip.

If you want to sit at the cool table,

Just do it.

Just sit there.

Hey, i, uh, thought I could squeeze in.

Of course you can, steve.

Ned.

Let me introduce the group.

You know suzie crabgrass,

Joey bradshaw,

Becky sherwood,

Danny craven,

Sniffle girl,

Simon nelson-cook,

And jennifer mosely.

Great eating with you.

Ooh.

New tip.

Avoid humiliation

And don't go to the cool table.

She's right.

Don't go to the cool table,

Because tomorrow,

There will be a new cooler table.

If you want to sit at a cooler table,

Get better grades,

Or just a better school experience,

Check out these seating tips.

If you want to make some new friends,

Try sitting next to some new people.

If you're not making new friends, move.

It's just a matter of time

Before you make a connection.

How's it going?

Avoid sitting next to the window.

Sure, it's got a great view,

But on those occasions when the sun pops out,

You'll sizzle.

Always try your best

To avoid sitting next to the bully,

Unless you need something from him.

I need a favor.

[Record scratches]

What's in it for me?

Pop quiz.

Aah!

Calm down.

It's true or false,

So as long as you were paying attention in class,

It should be, uh,

How do you kids say it?

A groove dog.

All: we don't say that.

Hey.

I know that one.

True.

And I know that one, too.

And that one. And that one.

I'm done.

Ha ha ha!

Tomorrow, we shred a bus bounce

Off the richter scale!

You're riding, too?

You better believe it, hodad.

Yee-ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Huh? You want some? Huh? Do you?

You want some, too?

Come and get it, baby!

[Bell rings]

[Jazz music playing]

I don't believe it.

So what do you think?

This is amazing.

How did you do it?

The band cost me hours of moving equipment.

The a.v. Guy set the lights for free.

The velvet rope is on loan

From cinema ,

Although they don't know about it.

And loomer--

He's coming over to your house saturday

To go swimming.

[Tires screech]

Whoa. What?

I'm not invited to ned's cool table?

Everyone is invited, but we're full.

First come, first served.

Try getting here earlier...tomorrow!

[Crash]

Way to go, ned.

Normally, I would never be seen with martin

Or jennifer,

But this is awesome.

And, normally, I would never be seen with suzie,

But you did it.

This is the coolest table ever.

Yeah.

Ned, voice-over: so when it comes to where to sit in school,

Let's review.

Moze realized that by sitting up front,

You really can get better grades.

The problem is, so did sweeney.

Mr. Sweeney: after watching miss mosely's amazing turnaround

After moving to the front of the class,

I've decided to make some changes.

Welcome to...

The new front of the class.

[Groaning]

Yeah! We're sitting in the new back of the class.

We should start passing notes,

Or chat, or tell secrets!

I didn't change my underwear this morning.

Ned, voice-over: and sitting in the back of the bus

Definitely has more bounce...

But you might not want to push it.

It was the greatest bus bounce

In the history of the world!

Ha ha ha!

Ah! Ah!

Ned, voice-over: and if you ever create a super-cool table

Where everyone is invited,

You might not want to forget that means everyone.

[Tires screech]

They started lining up second period.

Coconut head camped out overnight. Ha.

Looks like your table is too cool.

Sorry, losers. We're all full. Ha ha!

[Thump]

I suggest you try again tomorrow, jennifer.

Sorry.

Now where are we supposed to sit?

There's room over here!

[Record scratches]

Ned, voice-over: but when you think about sitting at the cool table,

It's actually really simple.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Usually, this was the cool table,

But now I guess it's over there. Isn't that funny?

Can you imagine bad boy inside with jennifer...

Don't make me laugh.

My doctor told me not to laugh.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, I was having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today

With peanut butter and jelly,

And it's like, I tend to put

Some pixie stix in there sometimes...

I like the peanut butter more than jelly,

So my dad keeps them in his backyard, and he grows them,

And jennifer has a cool...

When trying out for school sports,

Try to remember a few things.

Being first on the sign-up sheet

Does not increase your chances of making the team.

Ow.

You're doing basketball?

My outside sh*t is sweet,

And I grew two inches over the summer. You?

I don't know. I'm loving volleyball these days.

Basketball is awesome.

Oh, cross-country.

Hey, you forgot to sign up for cheerleading.

Nah. Cheerleading is cool,

But dirga is the coach.

And I'm gonna be head cheerleader.

You wouldn't make the team anyway.

Dirga and crabgrass?

Only an idiot would sign up on that sheet.

[Chuckling]

Who's got spirit? I've got spirit.

Oh, yeah. Go wolves. Go wolves.

When trying out for school sports,

It's important to show up with the right equipment.

Coconut head: hey, ned.

I'll see you on the court, ok?

And it's proven by pro coaches that watching a sport

Makes you better at that sport.

It's called visualization,

And it totally works.

And one, and two, and , and , and ...

Cookie.

Why are you going out for cheerleading?

Look. Guys only do sports to impress the ladies, right?

Well, I'm cutting out the sports part

And going directly to the ladies.

Ok. I have to go now.

One--because you're scaring me,

And two--

Because it's time for basketball tryouts.

I grew two inches.

Ok, boys!

You think you've got what it takes

To be runnin' wolves?

What's that, mr. Powers?

You think monroe don't know b-ball?

Give me the rock.

Give me the rock!

Man: ♪ give me the rock

Aah!

Uhh!

Whoo!

Now warm up and start sh**t'.

And the idea is to impress the coach,

So stay close and make sure

They see you and your skills.

[Birds chirping]

And try not to hit the coach.

Great job, jennifer.

Take . Great.

I have to time to go try out for cross-country.

Solid posture.

Spirit in the eyes.

Strong will.

Cook.

Tight ponytail.

Cook!

Jennifer, wow.

I wasn't expecting anybody back

For more minutes.

Cool. I can go try out for basketball.

[Whistle blows]

Ok. It's the girls' turn for the court.

Hey, great job, everyone.

Great job.

I'll post the second-round cuts

Tomorrow after second period.

Hey. How'd you do?

I'm afraid I came up a little...short.

Good luck. Thanks.

[Bell rings]

[Bell rings]

Jennifer: hey, are the postings up yet?

Aah!

There's some nice shoes in this school.

Let's do it.

Both: I made the cut!

And I made it again,

And I made it again.

I didn't make it.

Oh.

It's ok.

You can cry.

[Sobbing]

Ok. Ok.

You can stop now.

Did you know? Michael jordan,

The greatest basketball player ever,

Didn't make his high school team.

He didn't? No.

But he didn't give up,

And he practiced, got taller,

And went on to be a legend,

And you can't give up, either.

Really?

I can be like mike?

No, but you do play in the community league, right?

Yeah.

Well, you practice, get better,

And make the team next year.

Just don't give up.

Oh, and, uh, don't wear dress shoes.

Yeah.

I'll make it next year.

[Crash]

Did I make it? Did I make it?

Let's see. Suzie crabgrass.

Becky sherwood.

Sandra taylor.

"Not cook.

"If you're reading this, cook,

"You did not make the team.

Ha ha...ha."

That would be a "no."

Well, I'm not giving up.

Please give up. It's cheerleading.

What are you going to do, hire claire sawyer and sue dirga?

The coed sports amendment of states,

Nobody can be denied into scholastic sports participation

Based on sex, race,

Or whether they wear dress shoes or sneakers.

I know what this is.

It's the same amendment that got me

On the boys' baseball team in high school.

I hit . And dingers!

Wow. You showed that coach

That girls are just as good as boys.

I always said, it doesn't matter

If you're a girl or a boy.

If you have passion, you should play.

[Sigh]

You walked me into that one, sawyer,

But he'd better be ready for daggers, herkies,

Handsprings, and tumble rolls,

And have them down by :.

I need help. I can't decide.

Did you get taller?

Inches.

That's amazing. How did you do that?

Socks. Socks.

How many?

Pairs.

[Chuckling]

You said you need help?

I don't know what to pick.

I love volleyball,

But basketball is awesome,

And mr. Wright thinks I can win a cross-country title.

I have to wear size shoes

To have a chance to make it in basketball,

And you want me to feel sorry for you

Because you made everything?

Yes.

Ow.

But awesome.

You knew I'd catch the thing that I cared about most,

And that was volleyball.

Sure. Let's go with that.

Dirga gave me another sh*t,

But I don't know what a hagger

Or a derkie is.

I need tips!

Hey, did you get taller?

Give me tips. I need tips.

[Record scratches]

I have absolutely no tips.

I'll give you tips.

Please don't give him tips.

I said please!

Follow me.

Vertical up, vertical up.

Daggers, daggers,

Tumble run.

[Gasp]

I don't think I should do that last part.

Dirga: mosely!

Spirit runs through you like a wild mustang.

I want you on my team as head cheerleader.

What?

I--i thought I was head cheerleader.

And now you're co-head cheerleader!

Think about it, mosely.

Don't worry about being co-captains.

I'm going out for volleyball,

Which...you wouldn't make anyway.

[Bell rings]

All right.

Now let's make the team.

Did you get taller?

Man: ♪ why'd you make it so complicated? ♪

♪ Whoa

♪ Why'd you make it so complicated? ♪

♪ Whoa

Ah-choo!

♪ Whoa

♪ Why'd you make it so complicated? ♪

♪ Whoa

♪ Why'd you make it so complicated? ♪

♪ Whoa

♪ Whoa

Great job, everyone.

We had some big plays, some big sh*ts, some big feet.

Unfortunately, you all can't make the team,

And I'm so sorry.

It hurts me, too. It really does.

I'll post the final cuts tomorrow.

Go, wolves!

Oh. Sad.

[Bell rings]

[Laughing]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ok. So who wants to go first?

[Sigh]

No!

What? You didn't make the team?

No. I made it,

And I made co-captain.

Then why are you so bummed?

Because of the other co-captain.

Mosely...

See you on the court.

Your turn.

[Cookie sighs]

No! I didn't make it!

But I will not give up

And look at my legal options.

You have none.

The amendment states you can't get cut

Because you're a boy,

But you can get cut because you stink,

And, man, did you stink.

I can't look. Do it for me.

No!

I wanted to play so bad.

Why can't I be freakishly tall?

Jennifer: it's ok.

You can cry.

I don't feel like crying.

Oh, great. That's great.

So what are you guys gonna do?

Ned, voice-over: hey, if you don't make the team like me,

You can't give up.

Just practice, get better, maybe taller,

And make it next time.

[cr*ck]

Although I still wish cookie would give up.

[Sigh]