Insane teachers,
And gross school lunches,
Ned bigby--that's me-- and my two best friends
Try to do the impossible:
Create a guide that will help you survive school.
Man: ♪ turn it up
♪ Looking out
♪ I'll survive with no doubt
♪ Never fear
♪ Bring it on
♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪
♪ And I'm
♪ Finding my place in this world ♪
♪ And i...
Boy: "ned's declassified school survival guide."
Your results may vary.
Rumors. They're powerful stuff.
No matter how weird they are,
People still believe them.
Like the one about mr. Chopsaw
Being entirely made out of wood.
Or the one about backpack boy being a superhero.
...some of these dopey rumors get started.
Hey, have you seen moze?
Actually, she prefers "jennifer," not "moze."
It's a cool nickname. I like "moze."
Ned bigby likes moze?
[Whispering]
Ned secretly loves mosley.
Ned secretly loves mosley.
Ned secretly loves jennifer mosley,
And he's going to ask her out.
What?
[School bell rings]
Hey, ned. Cookie.
Have you guys heard this wild rumor going around
About the atomic flush?
Atomic flush? What's that?
You know. If you flush every toilet in school
At exactly the same time,
It creates such intense septic pressure
That boom! The whole school hops into the air!
[expl*si*n]
Yeah, it seems like every year, some jerk starts this rumor,
And next thing you know--
Uh-uh, no. No, it cannot be done.
Why not?
Sweeney.
Many have tried over the years,
But that madman of science always stops them.
And nobody ever asked me to help.
Well, we are.
The atomic flush is a go.
Oh, moze is going to want in on this.
Hey, moze. I want to ask you something.
Ned's going to ask me out. What am I going to do?
I recommend a restraining order.
Yards should suffice.
But he's, like, my best friend.
I like ned, but I don't "like" like him.
How am I supposed to hang out with him now?
I always thought you two would make a nice couple.
I'll bet he's gazing lovingly
At a photo of you right now.
We have to flush all the toilets at once.
The most important one is the one in the teacher's lounge.
That's where all the water lines meet.
Synchronize watches.
: Is atomic flush time.
Ah. So the atomic flush rears its ugly head once again.
Well, bigby will fail just like all the rest.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
[Flushing]
We're all meeting in gordy's closet.
Spread the word.
Ned is secretly in love with me
And he's going to ask me out.
Everybody's talking about it.
What? Wow! I can't believe it!
I always thought you two would make a nice couple.
I don't want to go out with ned.
I just want to be friends,
And I want you to tell him.
I don't know. I hate to take sides.
Oh! Oh! Wait! No! I love to take sides.
As a matter of fact, I'm on your side.
I'll talk to him.
Hi. Bye.
Dude, what is her problem today?
Ned, ned... I hate to tell you this,
But moze doesn't want to go out with you.
I know, I know, I know.
Your little heart is breaking right now--
What are you talking about?
I don't want to go out with moze.
Where did you get a crazy idea like that?
Moze. Rumor is you're secretly in love,
And you're going to take her on a date.
She's totally freaked.
I like moze as a friend, but that's it.
But if I did like her, which I don't, what's the big deal?
If I were a girl, I would be thrilled if I liked me.
I've got to straighten this out.
Wait, what about the atomic flush?
Moze is more important that flushing toilets.
She is, right? Yeah. She is.
I'm leaving you in charge of the atomic flush.
I'll make you proud.
Hey, moze.
[Sighs]
Ned: did you lose him?
I think so.
[Both talking at once]
Both: I don't want to go out with you.
It was just a rumor.
I should have known. What do we do now?
If you're on the wrong end of a rumor, don't panic.
Just ignore it.
So we just ignore it?
Yeah. Who cares what people think?
[Indistinct chatter]
Boy and girl: you broke our hearts.
Now I'm going to break you.
Ignoring it doesn't always work,
So there's only one thing left to do.
Let's break up.
[Sighs]
[Flushing]
[Knocking]
The weasel runs at midnight.
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Well, it's time to put a stop to this atomic flush right now.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ladies, gentlemen, zemo.
We are about to embark on
The greatest adventure of our lives.
We'll go down in polk middle school history
As the class who lifted the school off of the ground
With the atomic flush.
[Knocking on door]
Open this door!
Oh, what's the password?
Password? Oh, um...
The weevil runs at night.
Ooh, uh, sorry.
Um, uh... The diesel buns alight.
Uh, nope.
Oh, uh, the-- oh, never mind!
The atomic flush will not happen!
Don't panic. Sweeney can't stop us
As long as we stand together
And we flush together.
[Toilet flushing]
Tummy hurts. Got to use the restroom.
[Door closes]
This is cyborg one. I'm in position. Is everyone ready?
Ready. [Puff]
Ready and willing.
Good to go.
It's toilet time.
Toot-toot!
Let's do it.
Weasel one, in position.
Let's do it.
[Knocking] ahem. This is a custodial emergency.
Please vacate the restroom.
Sweeney: what's the password?
Sweeney!
That's right. Your plan is doomed,
Because I'm not coming out until after :.
The atomic flush is finished!
Cyborg one, we've got a problem.
Sweeney's in the teacher's lounge bathroom,
And I can't get in!
Why not?
I don't know the password.
E = mc squared?
[Laughs]
But we need every toilet flushed for this to work.
Abort mission. I repeat, abort the mission.
No! We've come too far not to let this go down the drain.
The atomic flush is still a go!
I will flush that toilet!
[Knocking]
Come on, mister.
Oh, what do I have to do?
Let the breakup begin.
This stinks.
You stink.
Oh, really? Yeah?
I think it's time to move on.
Fine! I don't want to secretly date you anymore.
Oh, you got it. Consider us secretly broken up.
Nice touch.
Thanks.
But I still want to be friends!
Same here!
I hope it worked.
Me, too.
Want to go flush some toilets?
Yeah.
[Flushing]
I must say, bigby has outdone himself.
This plan is really quite good.
[Sawing]
No!
Sweeney. Ah, hey, why don't you flush that toilet for me
At precisely
No! And even if I did, nothing would happen.
It can't be true. The atomic flush is just a rumor.
Is it? I wonder?
I think a real scientist would wonder, too.
Einstein would flush that toilet
At precisely :.
Did we miss it?
No. You're right on time.
.
.
.
.
Go on.
. Ned...
Both: .
All: .
All: , , .
[Flushing]
Didn't I tell you it was a silly rumor?
[Rumbling]
Ha ha ha ha. See you, sweeney.
Ooh! [Indistinct]
[Grunting]
Open it! Open it!
Sweeney: come on, man.
Oh...
Both: aaah!
Cookie: the school didn't even hop into the air.
I can't believe it didn't work.
Sweeney: didn't work? Woohoo!
I definitely felt the school
Hop into the air.
Oh, yeah! At least a foot.
Maybe more! Oh, that was an atomic flush.
Boom!
Oh, wait till the night guy sees this.
[Both laugh]
Boy: yeah.
Maybe I did feel something.
Yeah. I felt it, too.
It was kind of a thump.
A foot off the ground! We did it!
All: yeah!
[Indistinct chatter]
Rumors. Sometimes they're fun,
But usually they are nothing but trouble.
So don't believe them and don't spread them.
School photos. Your mom always loves them,
No matter how they turn out,
But you want your best photo on the photo wall.
Here are some tips on how to avoid common mistakes.
Don't talk when the picture's taken,
Or you might look like this.
Oh, and try not to blink.
This one's self-explanatory.
And then there are people who just aren't comfortable
Having their pictures taken.
I am not taking any more school photos, ever.
Well, I can tell by your unusually civilized appearance
That you all remembered today is school photo day.
Ha ha.
Moze, it's photo day.
Why are you dressed like a slob?
I'm not having my picture taken.
You've seen my pictures. They always stink.
Not as bad as mine.
I'm the stinking school photo king.
I've got caught sneezing, yawning, scratching.
Then last year I sat frozen with a perfect smile,
But my shirt was the same color as the backdrop, so...
Hey, it's floating head kid boy. Ha ha ha ha.
But this year I have the plan
To take the perfect photo.
This year, I plan to take the wolf.
The "no picture available" wolf.
No, no. Do not take the wolf.
I will get you the best picture of your life.
You think it's easy because the camera loves you.
You even look great with your messy hair.
It's all about preparation.
A school photo takes practice.
Like the shirt, the smile, and the perfectly messy hair.
Boy: ned! Buddy!
How's about one for the yearbook?
Gordy: [indistinct]
Gordy, shut it off!
What? Boy: no, don't.
It's perfect. Just swell.
The camera loves ya.
See? For you, every picture is perfect.
Hey, scoop, how about one of moze?
Ouch.
Well, uh,
Maybe some other time. Got to skedaddle.
I should never be photographed.
I can't smile.
I see you smile all the time.
You have a beautiful smile.
You're a beautiful girl.
For a camera to--
Like, like in a picture.
Sure.
I can smile for you and cookie,
But when I get in front of that camera guy,
I just can't do it.
Hey, I'm going to get you
The best photo of your life.
First, you need better clothes.
Oops, sorry, guys. It's pillow day.
I mean, this is a nice blouse here,
But it won't be ready till friday.
I didn't make that.
It's perfect. We'll take it.
Here are some tips to make sure
You get a school photo to be proud of.
First, remember you only have to dress up
What the camera sees.
Ned: so pants don't count, but you still have to wear them.
Smile.
Fine. Perfect.
Ned: for the best photo, dress like yourself,
Not like someone you saw on tv.
Photographer: smile.
Smile.
Fine. Perfect.
Wonderful.
Ned: there's nothing wrong with practicing a smile...
Especially if you're uncomfortable posing.
It's hopeless. I can't smile under pressure.
What pressure? There's no pressure.
Let's practice for the real camera.
She can borrow my camera. Just let me get one test photo.
Looks bad, right?
But that's no problem anymore.
I can fix any digital photo
With my perfect photo program.
You see, all I have to do is
Plug into the firewire ... Of the photographer's camera,
And we'll get the perfect cookie.
Cool. Gimme.
Where's the firewire port on this thing?
Firewire? I wouldn't be caught dead
With a digital camera.
Film, kid. Sweet emulsion.
That's photography.
Oops.
Looks like some kids are going to be taking the wolf.
Oh--oh, no!
What am I going to do? Think.
That photographer didn't even look at me.
I could've set a live bear up there.
He would've taken his picture
And put my name on it.
You'll feel less pressure having your picture taken
If you're used to being around a camera.
Remember, the camera's your friend.
Hey! Here's your friend over here.
Right? Yeah? Smile. Come on.
Come on. Give me a smile. Yeah.
Now, give me-- you're a tiger! You're a--grr.
Hey? Hey, hey. I'm over here. Smile.
Who could smile with you buzzing around like a mosquito?
Come on, moze.
Work with me here.
Yes. Loving it.
All right, just think happy thoughts.
I'm going to punch you.
There's no room for that in here.
Store it somewhere else.
Forget it. Forget it, leave it. I'll do it.
See the future in my beans?
I see chicken.
In my future? It's in the beans.
There's chicken in the beans?
I'll have the chicken with beans.
No chicken in the beans! Pork!
In my future?
Ooh, you got the prettiest smile.
Next!
I think we should start bringing our lunch from home.
Yeah.
There's a beauty sh*t for this week's school paper.
"Bigby boy buys beans."
Camera loves ya!
Ok, you know what? Just forget about posing.
I'll make you smile, naturally.
I'll tell jokes.
Hi.
I'm looking for simon nelson-cook.
Cookie: next.
If I don't make it to gym on time,
Dirga's going to k*ll me.
A bit bigger.
They gave me the locker at the end of the universe. Oh, no.
Tone it down just a bit.
They gave me the locker at the end of the universe.
Grr. Oh, no!
I'm not feeling the cookie.
'Sup? 'Sup?
'Sup? 'Sup?
More emotion.
They're going to k*ll me.
Oh, my.
[Roaring]
P.a.: Class b, report to the photo room now.
Oh, time's up. Is there no one who can capture
The real inner me?
Hi. I'm here to read for the role of cookie.
Oh, it's like looking in a mirror!
My imagination!
Smile. Perfect.
Wonderful.
Fine. Wonderful.
Perfect. Fine.
Ahem. You can't put that there.
I already did,
And they're going to stay here
Unless you want to balance them
On the top of your head.
No. Smile. Wonderful.
You've tried everything. Give up.
Don't worry. You're going to smile.
I know great jokes. Sit.
So is this for a play or a film?
It's more in the nature of personal appearance.
Uhh!
Ok, get ready to smile.
Whoo! Woohoo!
Yee-hah!
Knock-knock.
Cookie!
Say "who's there?"
Cookie! Aah!
Perfect.
Gordy: whoa, my glove.
[Laughs]
[Hacking]
Smile.
My mom said to thank you.
That's her favorite picture of me.
He sure cleans up good.
Can I get one for my mom? It's her favorite picture of you.
Hey, it's chicken boy.
Good one... [Laughs]
[All clucking and laughing]
[Indistinct chatter]
If you don't like your photo,
Find out if your school has a make-up day for photos.
But I don't think I want a make-up photo.
Pictures are memories,
And this is definitely going to be one big memory.
Moze: even when you take a rotten picture,
It's the perfect rotten picture.
Let me get one of you and chicken boy.
The sides of ned bigby.
That's it! Perfect.
I'll bet he's gazing into a photo of you lovingly.
And he's, you know, like--yeah!
The most important one is the one in the teacher's lounge.
Both: that's where--
That's your line, isn't it?
[Laughing in background]
Director: and cut!
I like moze.
Ned bigby likes moze. I totally forgot!
[Laughter]
I definitely felt the school hop into the air.
Oh, yeah, at least a foot--
Ooh!