Insane teachers,
And gross school lunches,
Ned bigby--that's me-- and my two best friends
Try to do the impossible--
Create a guide that will help you survive school.
Man: ♪ joining up
♪ Looking out
♪ I'll survive with no doubt
♪ Never fear
♪ Bring it on
♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪
♪ And I'm
♪ Finding my place in this world ♪
♪ And i...
Boy: "ned's declassified school survival guide"--
Your results may vary.
[Groaning]
I could see by your smiling faces
You're just as excited as I am.
The annual james k. Polk middle school talent show
Is back.
Jennifer, I am really looking forward
To one of your joyous tap routines.
[Music playing]
Cookie: yes, mr. Wright.
We're really looking forward
To that joyous tap routine.
[Chuckling]
The annual j.k.p.m.s. Talent show.
My cello and I are bursting with enthusiasm.
And which concerto will you be playing this year, martin?
Actually, I was hoping to play something
A bit more street.
[Rap music playing]
No.
Only the classics are allowed in my show.
Mr. Wright, I'm ready for the talent show.
But the talent show is not ready for you.
No.
[Burping] a, b, c...
No. No. No.
Ned: every year, he forces us
To sit through that lame talent show.
And every year, it's the same kids
Doing the same lame routines...
And I'm one of them.
We can't let mr. Wright
Get away with this.
We've got to find out a way
To change mr. Wright's snorebore fest.
I wish we could have a talent show
Where kids could do whatever they wanted.
[Bell rings]
I got it! We'll throw a talent show
Where kids can do whatever they want.
We'll hold an alternative talent show.
A talent palooza.
That's a great idea.
If you don't like something about your school,
Don't just complain about it;
Change it.
But who's gonna be in it?
Are you kidding?
This school is dripping with talent
Mr. Wright won't even look at.
So when's it gonna be?
Ned: this friday. P.m.
Moze: wait.
Attendance at mr. Wright's talent shows
Are mandatory.
No one's gonna come to our talent show.
They will when they find out
How great the acts are.
In fact, you're headlining.
What?!
I don't want to tap dance.
Wait. Where are we gonna hold it?
I mean, what teacher is gonna let us
Hold a rebellious talent festival in their room?
This friday at
!As a teacher,
I must say that's clearly against the rules.
I understand.
But then again...
I am a supporter of the arts.
Officially, I'm not allowed to do this,
But if I were to-- oops--
Accidentally forget my keys
On the desk to my classroom,
And someone were to find them
And wanted to use the classroom
For a subversive talent show,
And I didn't know about it, well--
Thanks, mr. Monroe.
For what?
I don't know what you're talking about.
And if that someone who found my keys
Wanted to ask gordy to clear up some of these desks
And build a small stage,
That probably wouldn't be a bad idea,
But you didn't hear it from me.
Remember, when it comes to talent shows,
Everybody has a talent.
Some are useful.
Do another one. Do another one.
Dude!
Some are entertaining.
[Burping] ♪ the itsy-bitsy spider
Ned: and some are just plain unusual.
But it is talent.
So don't be afraid to express yourself,
And most importantly, have fun.
Hey, have you heard of talent palooza?
It's the first annual talent palooza--
Made by us for us.
A talent show by us
For us.
Talent palooza-- by us, for us.
[Record scratches]
Talents set. Location set.
Cookie is making sure mr. Wright is clueless.
So what are you gonna do?
Alternative tap.
[Imitating buzzer]
I don't have another talent.
I'm a talent paloser.
No, you're not.
Everybody has a talent.
Moze, you can do anything you want.
That's the problem.
This freedom thing is k*lling me.
What are you doing?
Organizing an alternative talent show
Where kids can show off their unique talents,
Including you who needs to find one now.
Fine.
I'll come up with something.
You can do it, mosely! You're so talented!
Moze: go away.
That's the attitude!
Talent palooza is tomorrow,
And I really want to be in it,
But I can't do anything different or weird.
[Lathe stops]
I just don't have a cool talent.
I don't know what you're talking about because talent palooza
Is not a school-sanctioned event,
But if I did know what you were talking about,
I'd say working your magic on the lathe
Is a cool talent.
Really?
Jennifer, the lathe is a musical instrument,
And in your hands, it's a stradivarius.
Play the lathe, jennifer.
It's your gift to the world.
[Classical music playing]
Mr. Wright doesn't suspect a thing.
Dude, we're gonna throw the greatest talent show ever,
And tomorrow,
Everybody is gonna be here.
Nobody's here!
Even moze bailed on us!
I guess that woman was too afraid
To skip wright's talent show.
We've got to fill these seats.
Go to wright's talent show
And tell them how cool talent palooza is.
It'll be cool when they get here.
Go.
[Oboes playing]
Pretty lame talent show.
I'll say.
Yeah.
I just came to check things out.
I'm heading back to talent palooza.
You went?
I didn't want to get in trouble.
Trust me. It's worth it.
Talent palooza rocks.
Pretty lame talent show.
I'll say.
Welcome, one and all, to talent palooza.
Coming at you is coconut head
With his funkadelic bubble wrap.
Let's make him feel welcome.
[Cheering]
[Popping]
♪♪♪ ♪♪♪
Pretty lame talent show.
[Burping] x...y...z.
[Cheering]
That was lisa zemo with her alphaburp.
Up next is backpack boy with his amazing backpack.
Give it up for backpack boy
And claire sawyer future lawyer.
[Applause and cheering]
[Sparse applause]
Pretty lame talent show.
[Record scratches]
What did you say?
[Gasp]
Sorry. Wrong number.
Hey, where is everybody?
Oh.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Next up is...
Moze, you made it.
Give it up for moze and her...
Lathe.
[Cheering]
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo!
Ok.
It's time for our final act of the night.
Mr. Bigby.
Give it up for martin qwerly and his funky fiddle!
[Applause and cheering]
♪♪♪ ♪♪♪
We're dead, right?
Well, you should be...
But the students really seem to be enjoying this,
And they never act like this
At school talent shows.
We just wanted to give the kids
With different types of talents
A chance to show what they got.
Maybe I was a little overzealous
With my classical program.
Martin's solo certainly is quite phat.
♪♪♪ ♪♪♪
Maybe you can help me pick
Some of the talent next year.
[Burping] all done.
Within reason.
You know, the only one stopping you
From showing your talent is you,
So find your talent and go for it.
[Grunting]
Man: ♪ why you'd make it so complicated? ♪
♪ Whoa-oa-oa
I'm gonna sue the backpack off that boy.
Elections are this week,
Which means it's time to choose this year's class officers.
The treasurer, or secretary,
Keeps track of the student council funds.
It's a good office to run for
Because there's usually not a lot of competition.
It's true.
I'm the only one running.
Hey, ned. I'm running for vice president.
As v.p., I'll be changing vice to nice...
The vice president tells the student body--
That's us-- what's happening.
When the dance is, school car wash--
Stuff like that.
Doug, doug, doug, doug!
Boy: dude, vote doug!
Class president is the top dog.
They plan spirit days, how to improve the school,
And sometimes, they can even change class schedules.
Vote for suzie.
But running for that office
Can be a huge popularity contest,
Which is why I would never run in a million years.
[Record scratches]
Ned bigby for president?!
I don't get it.
Who would nominate me for president?
Girl: hi, ned.
We nominated you for president.
I told you, stay on my right.
Um...help.
Calm down.
According to polk election rules,
You need students to sign a petition to get you on the ballot.
They'll never get names.
That's names. Yeah!
Looks like you're on the ballot.
Don't forget to vote for suzie.
I'm the sharpest.
Vote for me.
"Vote suzie. She's the sharpest."
Moze: you've got to run.
Every year, suzie candy and pencil bribes her way
To class president.
Lisa: yeah, and last year,
She spent all our car wash money
On the neon wolves.
Ned: what we need is some time outside.
Since they took recess away,
The only time we have outside is gym.
It's more like work.
I totally miss recess.
If we finish lunch early, we should be able to go outside
And get some fresh air.
See? You're full of good ideas.
I'm not running.
Yes, you are.
Ned, I polled the student body all day.
I'm printing the results as we speak.
[Whirring]
Can I just say,
Your printer pants really freak me out.
You're behind suzie and doug,
But you're tied for third--
With the weasel.
The weasel?
[Squeaking]
[Squeaking]
Every year, someone nominates the weasel as a joke,
But it wins % of the vote.
Ned's tied with a weasel?
Cookie: but the good news is,
The huge crew has a new and effective campaign slogan.
"Vote ned or you're dead."
And your numbers are rising.
Girl: you're gonna vote, and you're gonna vote for ned, got it?
Yeah! Yeah!
This whole president thing
Is just a big popularity contest,
And suzie and doug always win.
But you're on the ballot now.
Not for long, and do you know why?
Because, and I quote...
I'm gonna get in so much trouble.
Look, everyone.
Ned's cleaning up our lockers
And making our school look better.
I vote for ned. Ned! Ned!
Students: ned! Ned! Ned! Ned!
Ned! Ned!
Ned! Ned! Ned!
You gave me spray paint that matches the lockers?
Well, I can't let you deface school property.
Besides, I'd have to clean it up,
But if you want to get in real trouble...
[Evil laughter]
[Whistle blows]
Can't anyone throw a dodge ball around here?
What are you guys doing? Put some arm into it!
What I'm about to do could get me k*lled,
But it'll also get me off the ballot.
[Thud]
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Why can't you jocks be more like ned?
He's a take-charge guy.
Ned.
Students: ned! Ned! Ned! Ned! Ned!
No. No!
Ned! Ned! Ned! Ned!
Ned! Ned!
Stop! I'm not running!
I'm done fooling around.
It's time to get off the ballot
With a food fight!
Food fight!
Hey.
Ned just created a super-fun
And new way to recycle.
Yeah, ned!
Ned: no. No, I didn't.
Students: ned! Ned! Ned!
No! Stop!
Ned! Ned! Ned! Ned! Ned! Ned!
I'm not running.
It's about popularity!
Ned, the latest pants poll is in.
[Whirring]
And you're in second place!
Now will you run? You'd be great.
And you'd b*at that candy-passing, pencil-pushing crabgrass.
It's just a popularity contest.
Nobody cares about the issues.
Name me one non-super-popular kid
Who has ever won class president.
Mr. Chopsaw?
How did I win president?
Because school elections
Are not about being popular.
They're about electing the best person for the job.
Ok, but how did you win?
On the issues.
I said I wanted to put more power
In the hands of the students.
I told them I would use our school funds wisely
And promise to cut through all the red wood.
Don't you mean the red tape?
No. I mean the red wood.
I used all the car wash money
To buy this band saw...
And she's still cutting
Like the first day I laid eyes on her.
[Record scratches]
And you can win, too, woodchuck.
But what if I lose?
Doesn't that make me a loser?
No.
A loser is the one who doesn't try.
Being a loser only means that you tried,
And anyone who tried is a winner
Who didn't win, but lost.
The point is,
You can win if you have great ideas
And don't back down.
If your competition is crabgrass,
Just make sure you're a -horsepowered weed whacker.
Reeee!
Reeee! Reeee!
Reeee!
Ok, I'll do it. I'll do it!
Yes.
Yes!
Ok. Now, have I mentioned suzie's smear ned campaign?
"Ned uses the girls' bathroom"?
Look on the bright side.
It's not like she's handing out candy bars
That say you're a total loser.
"Ned is a total loser.
Vote suzie."
Suzie, this is totally unfair.
Don't eat that.
It's not nice,
But totally fair.
I'll officially apologize to you tomorrow...
After I win.
Candy bar? Thanks.
D'oh! Ok, that's it.
Because tomorrow, I'm gonna win.
Zzzzz!
Whatever.
Zzzzz!
[Bell rings]
When running for office, check out these tips:
Posters are an important part of winning an election.
Suzie's done a nice job here,
But I think I got my message across
A little bit stronger.
You're not gonna be able to talk to everyone,
So hand out fliers to explain your ideas.
If kids like them, they'll vote for you.
I put down my fresh air for lunch campaign.
And in summary,
Ned's a loser.
Who wants a free t-shirt?
[Cheering]
And when it comes to your speech,
Keep it short and simple.
Girls: doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!
Doug! Doug! Doug!
Whoo! Whoo!
[Cheering]
[Whistling]
[Squeaking]
Those were probably too short.
And as your class president,
I will fight for some free time
So we can get some fresh air.
Together, we will survive middle school.
Whoo!
I love you!
Cookie, what's the latest pants poll say?
[Whirring]
It's a -way tie.
It all comes down to the undecided vote,
And according to my poll,
There's only one kid undecided.
Who is it?
Coconut head?
Cool.
As long as nobody else knows about this,
I can totally get his vote.
We got to find coconut head.
Find coconut head.
I got to find coconut head.
Girls: doug! Doug! Doug!
Suzie: coconut head,
If you give me your vote,
I'll give you a free t-shirt.
Ow! Ow! Aah!
Girls: vote doug! Vote doug! Vote doug!
Doug: yeah, coconut dude.
I need your vote.
No! No!
[Truck horn blowing]
Vote doug! Vote doug! Vote doug!
Hey, thanks, ned.
Hey, I really liked your speech today.
Hey, thanks.
Girl: hey, coconut head.
We want to talk about your vote.
No, no, no. Doris, stop.
He's already voting for me.
Doris: oh, he's definitely voting for you.
Coconut head: aah! Aah!
Mr. Monroe: your seventh-grade election results are in.
Treasurer--
Lisa zemo!
[Squirt]
Vice president--
Martin qwerly!
As v.p., I plan to change vice to nice.
I'll be nice president martin.
Thank you, martin.
Ideas, ideas, ideas.
Bye-bye.
Ok, and your new president is...
The weasel!
Whoo! Yeah!
[Squeaking]
Ned, voice-over: so, even though I lost to a weasel,
My campaign was still successful.
Because martin, acting on behalf of president weasel,
Enacted my fresh air for lunch program.
Which just goes to show,
Even if you don't win,
Running for class office really can make a difference.
And as for cookie,
He learned a valuable lesson, too.
Printer pants will overheat without proper ventilation.
Gordy: hurry! Clear the area!
We got a bonfire!
Aah! Aah!