03x01 - A New Grade/Dodgeball

[bunniefuu]

Ned: in a middle school full of bullies...

Insane teachers...

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me--

And my two best friends try to do the impossible--

Create a guide that will help

You survive school.

Man: ♪ coming up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive it, no doubt

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And i...

Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

It's a new grade,

And it can feel like you're entering a new world.

Your locker has moved, your teachers are new,

And classmates can look different.

I was handsome before,

But now with my braces off, I'm gorgeous.

I got my braces off, too,

And new allergy medication and contacts.

A new grade is also a good time to conquer old problems.

So instead of a new year's resolution,

Make it a "new grade" resolution.

My new grade resolution

Is to get to know the new lisa zemo.

My new grade resolution is to be nicer.

Have you ever noticed I can be kind of aggressive?

Oh!

[Whistle blows]

What?

Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!

I have noticed that.

My new grade resolution is to be tougher.

Have you ever noticed I scare easily?

Aah!

Aah!

Hi, ned. Aah!

But we're in the eighth grade now,

Which means there's no sweeney,

Suzie will be mine,

And this is gonna be the greatest year ever. Waah!

Huh. Look at that. You are tougher.

Aah!

[Bell rings]

Bigby!

[Sniffs]

Bigby!

Now, if your first day of a new grade

Doesn't start off great like mine,

Don't get discouraged.

And nothing makes a new grade better

Like some new friends.

Hey, guys.

Pbbt!

Please don't b*at us up!

Bigby...

I'm gonna kick your--

Waah!

[Birds chirping]

He b*at loomer up again.

What has gotten into you?

I thought you were sweet,

But you're acting like an animal.

Mommy, the unicorns...

Oh!

...and .

Cookie: look at them. They're throwing themselves at her.

Whoa. Look how much you guys have grown

In just one weekend.

Gordy, we were gone a whole summer.

Wow. That was some party.

Cookie, I need you to hack me into the school network.

My new grade resolution is to waste more time

Surfing the web and downloading movies.

I'm kind of busy right now

Trying to figure out my feelings for lisa,

And crubbs changed the passwords.

Yeah. Cookie, get gordy access now.

Hey, word on the street is you're the new toughest kid in school.

It was an accident,

And now suzie thinks I'm a bully.

I got to nip this tough thing in the bud before--

Bigby, I will not have some mop-headed tipster

Terrorizing this school.

I'm watching you like this...

And this...

And maybe even like this.

Crubbs out.

I'm not that tough.

Ow! Ohh!

Well, I'm off to meet the new english teacher,

And I'm sure I'm gonna love her

Because I'm the new nicer moze.

Woman: you've heard of homeschooling.

Well, I'm hometeaching, hmm?

Don't ask why. It's none of your business.

Now, because I'm new, you can all write

A -page essay on why you hate summer.

Ahem. Um...

Usually teachers start a little lighter

So we just sort of get to know each other a little better.

I know who you are.

You're jennifer mosley-- straight-a student

Who excels at everything yet ultimately fails herself

Due to a lack of self-confidence

Yet possesses an overconfidence

That she can win me over--ha ha!--

Just like her other teachers, only I'm different.

I'm in a box. Now write.

Do you think lisa zemo is hot?

Um, I can't answer that due to the fact that I'm .

Now, you hide in the trashcan.

I'll wheel you into crubbs' empty office

To "collect the trash, gordy," and once there...

I jump out, connect to his laptop,

Swipe the network password,

Then it's gordy's internet and dvd festival

All year long.

And dumb crubbs will never know. Ha ha ha!

Aah!

Now I do, and now that I know your little plan,

I guess I'll keep my laptop with me

And watch you both super closely like this...

And this and maybe even this.

I don't like iteacher.

She was mean, very mean to moze.

Oh, and your new tough rep

Just scared the new hot zemo away from me.

And suzie from me.

Moze: you just have to stop accidentally b*ating people up,

And I have to survive that freak for one period.

Iteacher: oh, I'm a freak, am i?

Pull me in closer.

I want to get in her face and give her a piece of my mind.

Go!

That wasn't very nice.

Yeah? Well, you're too tough.

Not anymore.

Look out, polk, because here comes

Super-nice, not-bully-at-all

Ned bigby.

[Fly buzzing]

Aah!

Ohh... Ohh...

Ohh... Ohh...

Ohh... Ohh... Ohh...

[Siren]

That's it bigby. To the shrink.

Ned, you've got to stop b*ating up people

And start b*ating up stan the anger-management doll.

Mr. Lowe, it was all an accident.

Watch. Ooh, I'm so angry.

I'm enraged, and I'm gonna punch this,

And now I feel better.

Honestly, mr. Lowe, I'm nice.

I'm sensing a lot of hostility, ned.

That's why I'm gonna recommend you see me times a day

So we can deal with these issues

And also because I have no one else to talk to.

Ohh!

Ooh, you're angry. Punch stan.

[Beeping]

Aah!

Aah ha! Aah ha ha!

Oh, jennifer, how's the new grade?

It reeks.

I'm missing my old teachers, who I really liked,

And I'm not loving my new iteacher.

Well, now, you know, sometimes it takes more than one day

To build a bond with a new teacher.

If I remember correctly,

You didn't like me the first day last year.

Really?

Good to see you again.

Welcome. I'm mr. Wright.

I don't like you.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah. You know...

Iteacher is probably just nervous

About the new year like everyone.

The rumor is, she never leaves home.

Now, that's weird, really weird.

Weirdo. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

She can't chase us.

Run!

Hmm.

Aah! Aah!

Wait. Why are you screaming?

I hate this new grade.

Last year, I was a great bully,

But now I'm afraid of you.

Well, I hate it, too.

Suzie thinks I'm evil,

I got to punch stan all day long,

And this is supposed to be my best year ever.

Both: we got to do something about this.

Go on. Say it. I deserve it.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

I thought you were gonna say, "detention for life,"

Or call me a mean, little-- look.

I made a new grade resolution

That I wouldn't be scared of my students,

And maybe I scared them.

We think you might be just a head.

I heard that you were tough,

And I wanted to show the class that I was tough.

Have you heard of this kid ned bigby?

He's a k*ller!

Well, my resolution was to be nicer,

So I'm happy you're my teacher.

Ok. Now you're scaring me.

How are you on-line without a cable?

I got access through the school wireless chat server, geek.

That's it.

If we cant get the password out of crubbs' computer.

We'll just have to get it the old-fashioned way.

Right. We'll use a cutout of the superintendent,

Web-chat crubbs,

And make him give us the password.

Mwah ha ha ha!

[Kissing noises]

Crubbs, what are you doing?

Don't you know I am your boss?

Yes, and may I say you look great.

You're a little stiff today.

I have a cold.

Now, crubbs, tell me, what is your network password?

Oh, um, "flamingo."

Ooh, yes! Uh, I mean, uh, right.

Now, you be nicer to the kids and gordy,

Or you're fired.

Superintendent out.

"Flamingo." What an idiot.

Ok. So you clench your fists, and I'll pretend to be knocked out.

Then when everyone comes out,

They'll think you're tough again.

They'll feel sorry for me and like me again.

Make it look like I knocked you

Under the table like this.

Well, I see you b*at up loomer again.

I don't want to be tough anymore.

b*at me up before class gets out.

[Bell rings]

Every time I get near him, it hurts me.

I'm scared.

They're coming. Punch me now.

They're coming. Punch me now.

Oh, for crying out loud...

[Siren]

Loomer, in my office now.

And mine.

Ned, we're gonna have to cancel our appointments

For a while while I work on billy.

[Siren]

Suzie: ned, you poor thing, are you ok?

I guess. Hold me?

Ohh...

This is gonna be a great year.

Ned, voice-over: now remember, new grade resolutions

Won't come true on the first day,

But stick with them,

And eventually, you'll make them happen.

No matter how unusual or different they might seem,

If you don't hit it off with your new teacher, give it time.

They might be nicer than you think.

So I'm loving the new grade.

Suzie doesn't think I'm evil, you didn't break my nose,

And after today, I don't feel scared anymore.

Sweeney: guess what. I'm teaching eighth-grade science this year.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

[Thunder]

They're coming for us.

They're coming, I tell you.

Red balls. Red balls everywhere.

Both: guys, what's wrong?

It's raining outside.

Rain means inside gym period.

And inside gym period means...

Dodgeball! Dodgeball!

Aah!

I hate it when they warm up in the halls!

Oh, ha ha!

I love the smell of dodgeball in the morning.

Dodgeball is barbaric.

It's a cruel and inhumane sport.

Dodgeball is the last vestige

Of this country's warrior spirit.

It's always just loomer and his g*ons

Ganging up on the rest of us.

That's why today I'm making you...

Dodgeball captain.

[Thunder]

But I don't want to be captain. Look.

No one else is strong like loomer,

But your brains are the only chance for a knockout game.

Check this out--

Pressurized arctic air

Surrounded by red, bulletproof rubber.

It's the ultimate dodgeball.

You're not ready.

Now, I suggest you start thinking up

Some of your tips on how to b*at loomer!

Sun, sun, sun, sun.

♪ Sun

Sun, sun, ooh, ha ha.

♪ Sun ♪ ooh

What are you doing?

It's a latvian rain dance,

Only we're doing it in reverse

So it'll actually end the rain and get us all out of dodgeball.

We're all gonna die by red rubber!

Guys, relax.

I still have our one big super-secret w*apon.

What do you mean, you won't play dodgeball?

I just won't, ok?

Why? You love dodgeball.

You're a dodgeball maniac and our only hope

Of not dying a red, rubbery death.

Look. I just won't, ok?

Loomer: hey, bigby, only two more periods

Till we pulverize you and your team of losers.

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Aah!

Ha ha! Ha ha!

It took every cent I had,

My blood, my sweat, and my tears

And my dad's new and expensive video camera,

But with my new video helmet,

I'll secretly document the horrors of dodgeball

And have it banned from our school.

[Darth vader voice] and I've got to stop talking to myself.

♪ Mosley, mosley, mosley, ho ho ♪

♪ Mosley, mosley, mosley ♪

♪ Ha ha

♪ Mosley, mosley, mosley... ♪

What are they doing?

It's a latvian "bring back moze" dance.

We need you.

Look, ned. I can't play...

Not after what happened.

[Thunder]

Moze, voice-over: it was the last time we played dodgeball.

I was in the zone.

I was hitting everything in sight.

That's when it all went wrong.

No! Aah!

Uh...

Moze, voice-over: I gave him a bloody nose and knocked out his teeth.

It was pure terror.

That was an accident, a fluke.

It will never happen again.

You're right. It won't happen...

Because I'm never playing dodgeball again.

♪ Mosley, mosley, mosley, mosley ♪

♪ Mosley, mosley, mosley, mosley ♪

Yaah!

I call red ball in the corner dork.

Aah! You broke my helmet!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Aah!

You hit him right in the back of the head.

I'm sorry. I lost my temper.

It was awesome, ruthless even.

How did it feel?

It felt... Really good. Yes.

Give in to your anger, cook.

It can be a powerful w*apon.

Play on our team today.

Join me, and together, we will rule the dodgeball court.

Eh, what the heck? Ha!

[Whistle blows]

We play strict bangkok winter rules dodgeball here at polk.

This is what I'm talking about.

Dirga, voice-over: any player hit by a ball is eliminated.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Dirga, voice-over: all balls are live until they hit the ground.

If a ball is caught, the thrower is out,

And the catcher can bring back one member of his team.

Just want to let you know I still picked you for my team.

I picked a good book.

Wait a minute. Where's cookie?

You're playing for loomer's side?

[Darth vader voice] sorry, ned.

The power of the dark side is strong.

[Whistle blows]

It's game time.

Now make me proud and really nail somebody.

Dirga: go.

Back, back.

The first rule of dodgeball is to stay elusive

And stay in the game.

[Whistle blows]

He's out.

Ned, bring back one player from your team.

Moze, you're back in.

I'm back out.

[Thunder]

Cookie, finish him.

[Darth vader voice] but he can't even see.

If you want to rule this court,

You must show no mercy.

[Whistle blows]

Sit down.

Like any other sport, teamwork is important in dodgeball.

If you don't have a great arm, throw it to someone who does.

Strategy is also good to take out a bigger opponent.

Use the lob and drill att*ck.

Ned, voice-over: player one lobs the sh*t high into the air

While the opponent gets under the lob to catch it.

Player two eliminates him.

[Whistle blows]

You're out.

Coconut head: ha ha! Yeah, punk. Ha ha ha!

[Whistle blows]

Bye-bye. You're out.

Going down.

You're out.

Sit down.

See ya.

Coconut head, your nose is bleeding,

But you didn't get hit in the face.

I've suffered from chronic nosebleeds since I was .

No big.

[Coughs]

Is that a breath mint?

Yeah. You want some?

Wait. So I never gave you a bloody nose playing dodgeball?

I never knocked out your teeth and sent you

To the nurse's office last year? Nope.

Dirga: you're out.

Loomer: ha ha ha! Only bigby is left.

[Darth vader voice] victory is almost ours.

So, just to be sure, I've never hurt you

With a red rubber ball ever?

You? No. Loomer? Yeah.

[Thunder]

What are you waiting for? Finish him.

He's weak and must be eliminated.

[Darth vader voice] what have I become?

[Normal voice] ahh, I can't breathe in this thing.

I'm out. Good luck, buddy.

[Whistle blows]

Cook is out.

Ned, bring back one player from your team.

[Door opens]

I'm in.

I thought you gave up dodgeball.

Nah. It builds character.

I see losers who need to eat some dodgeball.

Big deal. There's only two left, and one of them's a girl.

Yeah, and the other one is mosley.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Dirga: use the force, moze.

Oh. Thanks.

Aah!

Loomer: ha! You missed. Ha ha ha!

Dirga: whoo! I knew this was gonna be a good game!

Yeah! Yeah!

[Cheering]

, , , Let go!

Ha ha ha!

[Laughter]

Uh! Oh.

They're coming for us. They're coming, I tell you.

Red balls! Red balls everywhere!

Man: next one. Next one.

You're just like-- I'm like, "aah!"

Right. Hey, crud out.

And have you heard of that ned nigby?

Ha ha ha!

I haven't.