03x02 - Reading/Principals

[bunniefuu]

Ned: in a middle school full of bullies...

Insane teachers...

Aah!

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me--

And my two best friends try to do the impossible--

Create a guide that will help

You survive school.

[Bell ringing]

Man: ♪ coming up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive it no doubt

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Escaped detention and a bunch of bullies tried to stop me ♪

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And i...

Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.



Wow. Look at everybody reading. Isn't it great?

If you like reading, which I do not.

But reading is so important.

It's like meat...

For your brain.

Ned: but there's too much.

You have to read science books, social studies books,

Health books, spanish books, math books.

Huh.

See? And why is everyone so crazy with the reading today?

Because today in i-teacher's class,

We're all giving oral reports on the books we were supposed to read.

Remember?

Oh.

He forgot to read, didn't he?

Big-time.

♪ Whoa

Why won't he read more?

I love it so much I started a book club.

All: jennifer, see you in book club.

I love book club, even though it's yours.

A book club with them? I want in.

[Imitates buzzer]

It's a book club, not "fix cookie up with a date" club.

And we read really girly books anyway.

But I love girly books.

You love girly girls.

No book club for cookie.

You got one period to read a book.

Right.

I wasn't frozen! I was just thinking!

Sorry.

Ow.

And that's what makes peyton manning a cult hero.

I-teacher: nice, mike.

You can check "biography" off of your reading list.

Ok, ned, you're next.

I decided to read a classic...

"Green eggs and ham."

It's about this guy sam who doesn't ham.

And come on! Who doesn't like ham?

[Siren]

I don't like that book you picked, ned. I don't like it one bit.

Now go get a real book, you...!

You saw mike kiss bridget?

But he's going out with lena.

I know, but you can't tell anybody.

Remember, the first rule of book club:

Don't talk about book club.

Jennifer: ok. Enough gossip.

Time to pick a book.

How about... "Jane eyre"?

That looks big and boring.

It's a classic.

Cookie: how about "sisterhood of the traveling pants,"

By anne brashares?

Ooh! I hear that's great!

Me, too. Let's read that.

What?

I'm not in the book club,

I'm just near the book club,

Which you can't do anything about.

Hi, ladies.

Then you should start reading.

Here's a dictionary. Enjoy.

I will get in the book club.

Ok. All those in favor of "jane eyre," raise your hands.

Fine. We'll read the pants book.

[Man weeping]

Ned, books are so powerful.

They just dive into your emotions.

"The little engine that could"?

Yeah. They tell him he can't do it,

But he keeps saying, "I think I can, I think I can."

He's so brave.

I need a real book for english class. Fast!

Well, in that case,

How about "janitor by day, international art thief by night,"

Written by yours truly?

You wrote a book?

Yeah, and I'm proud to say this one's sold

Over ...copies worldwide.

"They thought he was cleaning up,

But he was really cleaning them out."

Ah!

Hmm.

It's a real book!

And you know what the best part is?

You can just tell me the story

So I don't have to read it.

Right. Now it's all about this handsome,

Suave, and eternally young janitor...

Robs a priceless art thing,

Donates the money to charity, and then saves the president

From a pack of wild donkeys.

I highly recommend it.

Didn't you love the part when he defeated the robot pirates?

Yes.

Ha! There were no robot pirates!

You actually read this thing?

I did my thesis on janitorial fiction.

Now I'll pick a book for you.

Missy, what are you reading?

Something about these pants that can drive or something.

Read the "traveling pants" book

And by friday.

And don't make me come out of this box.

[I-teacher chuckling]

So lena, who's supposed to be going out with mike,

Is now seeing paul, but paul's seeing bridget,

And mike and lena have no idea, but remember,

The first rule of book club--

Ahem!

[High-pitched voice] don't talk about book club.

Cookie: ahem.

I'm a new girl, and I love books about magic pants.

Heh heh!

[Cookie screaming]

Jennifer, what are you doing to her?

It's not a her. It's a...cookie!

[Gasps]

And he's just here to meet girls!

Hey, ladies.

It's not fair!

Can't a man love girly books, too?

If there was ever a time to b*at somebody up for no reason...

It would be now.

Ah! Who doesn't like ham?

Pop quiz: a boy has to read a book about pants in two days.

What should he do?he doesn't read it.

He uses the janitor's new computer

And gets the story notes from online help sites.

You're a genius! Yeah.

You don't get to where I am in life without the smarts, see?

You're not getting online notes instead of reading, are you?

No, no, never. No, no.

Wouldn't do it, no.

Read the book!

Oh! Good grief!

Read! Read, read, read.

Mosley!

I hear you started a violent book club.

I don't think you can call it a book club, since nobody's reading.

Ha ha! Still, no more beatings.

Books are to be celebrated.

Reading is what makes us human,

So...

Cool it.

[Elevator bell dings]

Hey.

No talk now. Reading about pants.

So did you hear about--

Jennifer: ok.

Before you talk mindless gossip,

Let's discuss magic pants.

Ahem.

Hello. Mr. Crubbs sent me to supervise you sweet, lovely girls.

Oh, how dumb do you think I am?

[Screaming]

...

Mosley!

Oh, this is not good.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Well, i, for one, found the book to be a great resuscitation

Of the bond between friends and pants.

That's a great point, simon.

I say we let him in. Why can't boys like girly books?

This is just a trick to meet girls!

And, um, there's no room.

So if cookie joins, somebody's got to go.

Rrr!

[Laughter]

If there was ever a time to b*at somebody up for no reason...

It would be now.

[Boys screaming]

Run!

So how's the reading going?

I'm halfway there, but honestly, who cares about magic pants?

Too bad you're not in the violent book club.

That's what we're discussing today.

I'd tell you more,

But I think I'm going to get busted any second for attacking a teacher.

[Siren]i know, I know.

In your office, pronto.

I was going to say asap, but pronto's good, too.

Book club.

Can we please stop gossiping and talk about the book?

No. Now,

Here's how the whole story ends.

Mike saw bridget take lena's jeans and didn't say anything,

Even after she lied and said she got them...

The book I read is about friends and how pants changed lives.

A little more detail, ned.

Ok. So mike saw bridget take lena's favorite pair of jeans,

But didn't say anything because he's dating bridget and lena.

Ned! No! Wait!

Both: you're going out with mike?

Ned: but mike's best friend paul is also dating bridget and lena.

Stop!

Both: you're dating bridget and lena?!

Bridget: I knew you stole my jeans.

I want them back now.

Lena, what are you doing?

Bridget: these are mine!

You're not supposed to talk about book club, you idiot!

Yeah, bigby.

You should learn to keep your mouth shut.

And they lived happily ever after?

You might want to run.

Get him!

[Footsteps running by]

You didn't read the book, did you?

I read half of it.

What are you going to do now? Call crubbs?

My mom? Turn me into a toad?

How about I give you some advice?

Reading--it's a huge and very important part of school.

So if you feel overwhelmed by reading like me, check out these tips.

Keep a schedule. If you have to read a novel,

Calculate how many pages per day you have to read.

- Pages seems a lot less scary than a -page novel.

[Buzzer]

But they're no substitute for the real thing,

But use them to keep on track.

There's no sense reading a book if you don't understand it.

And start a book club.

Getting together with friends will help motivate you

And keep reading fun.

I quit the violent book club.

All they wanted to do was gossip. Hmm.

Welcome to my book club.

Did I forget anything?

Nope. You gave me tips,

Kept moze out of trouble, and told the angry mob

It was all a misunderstanding and not to b*at me up.

Oh, hmm.

I did forget something. Run!

Bigby!there he is! Get him!

[Gasps] oh, he should have read the book.

What are you looking at?

All: nothing.

Crubbs?

Are you bothering these boys?

No, principal pal,

And one of them is a girl.

Well, of course she is,

And she's so pretty.

Bye, boys.

I'll be in my office.

[Principal pal snoring]

[Lullaby playing]

Tomorrow he retires, and then this school will be mine,

And things are going to be a lot different when I'm principal,

If I get the job, and I will.

Oh, yes, I will.

Before you get your tighty whities in a bunch,

How bad could it be?

[Evil laughter]

We cannot let crubbs be principal!

♪ Whoa

Now I just have to make sure no applicants get to their interviews today

And the job of principal will be mine.

The plan is perfect. Ha ha ha ha!

Except that I just said all of that out loud and in front of you .

Start scratching your heads now,

Or it's detention for a week!

Now!

We're quarantined!

Contagious lice breakout!

Run for your life! Aah!

Ha ha ha ha!

Nice scratching. Ha ha!

Now stay out of my woods,

'Cause it's dark in there.

Superintendent brown.

Hello. Ha ha ha!

No one has shown up for the principal interviews.

Tardiness, absence?

Not good job qualifications,

But I'll be right on time for my interview.

Yes, well,

If someone does show up, send them to room .

You bet I will.

Woods. Stay out.

Dark.

If crubbs is the only one who interviews, he'll get the job.

Crubbs is stopping outside people from interviewing,

But what about people on the inside?

Ok. Me and cookie will find some great candidates,

Moze, you find gordy and convince pal not to quit.

If he doesn't quit, crubbs can't be principal.

Go!

We'll go that way.

[Yawning] what?

Oh.

It's locked.

Well, hello, son!

I'm a girl. Ha ha ha!

Not with that handshake, you're not.

Uh, principal pal, why are you retiring?

I'm old, I'm sick of this school,

And I've always dreamed

Of roller-skating across africa.

[Elephant trumpeting]

But I think down deep,

You'll miss this school terribly if you leave.

No, I won't.

Well, I'd better get back to planning my trip.

Bye, boys.

[Lullaby playing]

If we can just remind him how great it is to be principal

And how wonderful this school is, he won't want to leave.

Give me your lunch money.

Is that all you have?

[Pig squealing]

Yeah, that might be tough.

Principals are the boss.

They decide what lessons are taught,

What school improvements are made, and make sure we all stay smart.

So be smart and get to know your principal

'Cause if you have problems in school,

It's always good to be friends with the boss.

The only problem is, we don't know

Who the new principal will be.

Hello, the new principal.

Where? Where's crubbs?

Why can't I see him?

We're talking about you.

No. No way.

Crubbs made it clear:

"No one interviews or you're fired!"

But you're more qualified.

Look at all those doctorate degrees.

And if you're hired,

You'll be the boss of crubbs.

You'll be...

Principal lowe?

Principal l.p. Lowe.

Both: p. Lowe.

Ok, fellas, I'm in.

Crubbs: say,

If you think you're running against me,

You don't have what it takes--[sniffs]-- or deodorant.

And nice try, boys, but now I'm watching you,

Like this...

And this.

Check out this new one.

[Evilly] oh, baby.

Oh!

Shouldn't you be scaring away people from the front door?

Oh...i got it covered.

You know, son, I'm not sure if I ever really liked kids.

My name is jennifer, as in I'm a girl.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

Well, we just wanted to show you how hard the students work

And how great this school is with you as principal.

[Screaming and shouting]

[Lullaby playing]

He likes his kitty.

Woman: higher! Higher!

[Sighs]

There's got to be someone in this school

Who isn't afraid to stand up to crubbs.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

We just want to talk.

Just for a little while.

Right this way, principal pal.

To see your students at their happiest.

Is it dismissal already?

No, lunch.

Won't you miss all these happy, sweet faces?

Food fight!

No, no, no! Oh!

Take cover!

[Laughter]

Curse you, red baron!

I'll get us back to camp.

Follow me, boys! Follow me!

I'm a girl!

Gentlemen!

I heard about your quest,

And let me say I've always thought that I would make a great principal.

Oh! Oh!

What's he doing?

He's just imagining what the school would be like

With you as principal.

You're right, mr. Sweeney.

Interviews are right this way.

Woman: get the door!

The door, the door, the door!

Wait! Oh, man!

Oh!

Sweeney: let me in![Pounding on door]

I feel bad. This is w*r.

Charge!

Looks like your plan's going about as good as ours.

What are we going to do?

[School bell ringing]

Ok. You guys go to class.

I'll figure out a way to keep pal in the school.

Split up!

Ok. Split up again.

[School bell ringing]

Thanks for the roller skates, gordon.

No problem.

Now to learn how to use these babies.

Oh, that's the easy part.

Just keep the wheels on the floor and roll!

Ooh!

Africa, here I come!

You sure that's a good idea?

Positive. Pal's going to break his neck on those things.

Then he'll forget all about his little trip and stay right here.

Yeah, but if he breaks his neck, he'll be in the hospital,

Not in the principal's office!

Not one of your best plans.

Yeah, it's even worse when you realize we're on the second floor.

All: we've got to save pal!

Split up!

What part of "split up" don't we understand?

Look out! Clear the way!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Clear! Incoming principal!

Move! Retreat! Retreat!

Look out!

Help! Let us out!

Please open the door!

Never!

I have trapped the enemy

And will guard until the general arrives.

We talked it over,

And if we ever get out of here alive,

None of us want the job.

Great! Not only have we handed the principal job to crubbs,

Now we're prisoners of w*r!

Is there anyone who can save us?

[Door opening]

Hey, guys,

I was just dusting off my doctorate degree in education.

I saw principal pal asleep in the hallway and i...

What?

It sounds intriguing,

But my place here is as a teacher,

And nothing's going to change my mind.

Don't listen to them, wright.

You're a teacher and not cut out to be principal.

Well, it--it's not that. It's I just don't want the job.

Because it's too demanding.

I'd hate to see you humiliate yourself.

Mr. Wright equals principal wrong.

That's dr. Wright.

Oh. All my negative prodding is

Actually motivating you, isn't it?

[Watch alarm playing]

Well, too bad we'll never find out.

The superintendent has one final interview today,

And it's with moi.

Let's roll!

Go, dr. Wright!

[Laughing]

I've captured the enemy,

And I'm bringing him back to base.

Ned: superintendent! Wait!

Superintendent. [Coughing]

I would like to interview for the principal's job.

Uh, i--i'm sure you'll be very impressed with my qualifications.

Doctor.

Harvard.

[All chuckling]

Yeah, what the heck?

I am choosing the new principal next week,

But I think my mind is made up.

Yes! Oh!

And besides, your only competition is crubbs,

Who severely hurt his chances by missing his interview.

[Crying] let me out!

I have an interview!

Let me out!

Eyes front, soldier.



Sorry. It's so big.

"Sisterhood of the traveling pants,"

By ann brashares.

[Crew laughing]

All: we can't let crubbs be principal.

[Crew laughing]

Hey...i'm not cleaning that up.

Not with that handshake you're not.

Pansipal prince,

Pimple--you--retire--