Insane teachers...
And gross school lunches...
Ned bigby, that's me, and my best friends
Try to do the impossible:
Create a guide that will help you survive school.
♪ Coming up, looking out
♪ I'll survive it, no doubt
♪ Never fear, bring it on
♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪
♪ And I'm taking control
♪ And feeling my place in this world ♪
♪ And i...
Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."
Your results may vary.
[Bell ringing]
Hallways: they're like the highways and byways of school.
It's important to know the ins, the outs,
And the dangers.
Like the reverse commute,
When more kids are coming from where you're going to.
Aah!
They're also like a party
At short -minute intervals.
You can talk and hang out with a bunch of your friends...
Or take some time to talk to that special someone.
Hi.
Hi.
And never get caught running in the halls
Or without a pass after the bell rings.
[Bell ringing]
Mr. Bigby. Gotcha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Do I need to remind you
Of the rules of the hallway?
Students cannot roam without a pass.
Students must go straight to their destination.
No eating. No drinking.
Absolutely no running.
Wow. You really do know the rules of the hallway.
What are you doing the rest of the day?
Um, health, art--
Wrong! You're my new replacement
To be the hall monitor.
Just for my shift, which is on wednesdays,
Which is today.
I'm working on a new experiment.
Why would I want to be hall monitor
And wear this dorky sash...
Which looked great on you.
I'll get you out of all your classes,
I'll rip up that ticket, and I'll give you
A big class participation bonus.
You had me at get out of my classes.
Good. Now remember, stand firm,
And report anyone without a hall pass.
Look, bigby. Get him.
Whoa! He's the hall cop!
Please don't bust us, man.
If we get caught again,
It's hallway cleaning detention for a week!
Fine. You can go.
Thanks, man.
I swear I had my pass...
But I think I ate it.
I'm serious.
Get to class. I won't write you up.
[Bell ringing]
Water pipe burst!
So you all have to find another way to your destination now.
That includes you, miss mosley,
Or you'll be late. Bzzz. Ring.
[Bell ringing]
Bye.
With this construction, I can't get to faymen.
We need a report on bad hallway traffic
Like they have on bad highway traffic.
Sure he's in my language class and on the bus,
But hallway time equals minutes
Of faymen time a day.
I will not lose any faymen time.
I'll start a hallway traffic report.
I have to find an alternate route to get to faymen.
Did you just say something?
Did you just say something?
Run in the halls?
That's against the rules, and you're going down, speedy.
Please. Whoever got hurt running in the halls?
Ow!
Watch it, bigby.
You scratched the pleather.
No, you watch it.
Say you're sorry.
Uh...sorry, ned.
Bye.
Just a little favor for our favorite hall cop.
And mine.
Here's tickets to tonight's game
For not busting me.
And...a ham.
[Bell ringing]
Saving faymen time.
Announcer: and now, here's your polk hallway traffic update.
This is the hallway traffic man simon nelson cookie reporting
At on your cell phones.
Construction has still shut down the main hallway,
And there's an accident in the north wing.
A turned over a/v cart has caused massive backups
And rubber-necking, so expect heavy delays.
Take an alternate route
Outside the school and around the gym
To make it to class on time.
[Bell ringing]
Bye.
[Hockey buzzer]
Ooh! Bigby!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
It's part of my experiment I'm working on.
Well, this helps me chase down runners
And protect myself.
You said yourself: hallways can be dangerous.
Oh, well, I'm glad to see
You're enforcing the hallway rules.
But why does there have to be so many?
Because without rules, school would be chaos,
And students would get hurt.
Remember, the hallway is no place
For fun and games.
Maybe the hallway's not a place for fun and games.
[Bell ringing]
Take that.
Crawling through the ducts
Without a crawling through the ducts pass.
Do it again and it's hallway cleaning detail for a week.
I'm serious.
There's gotta be a way to get to faymen
Without getting trampled or busted by crubbs.
[Beeping]
This is cookie with a hallway traffic special report.
Conditions are rough out today in the south hallway.
Gordy is drying the wet floors,
So head for the admin office to avoid delays.
Wait. I'm in the admin office.
Aah!
Ha ha!
Guys, remember the hallway rules?
You're right, bigby.
The hallway rules!
[Laughing]
And I hope you don't mind,
But we told a few friends
About how you're the greatest hall monitor ever!
Yeah, we did.
You rock!
Oh, this is bad.
Cookie, your hallway traffic report rocks.
Since I've started listening,
I've shaved minutes off my commute to gym.
Always glad to help out my fans.
I suppose now you want my autograph?
No.
I need a favor.
Can you put out a fake traffic report
Sixth period that clears the halls of crubbs and kids
So that I could get to faymen?
What? I can't lie to my viewers.
How will they take me seriously?
Please. You're wearing a mixing bowl on your head
That isn't attached to anything.
And...i'll be your best friend.
I'm sorry. I can't.
Ow! Oh, I can. I can. I can.
Just this one time.
Thanks, buddy.
[Bleating]
Goats? Do you have a goat pass?
The music is too loud.
[Bell ringing]
The bell just rang.
We should all clean up and get to our next class.
Right?
[Laughing]
Announcer: and now, a special polk hallway traffic update.
No hallways are jammed up now, so take the bi-level connector
To the second-floor science hallway.
Now! Do it now!
Wait. This is the bi-level connector.
Aah!
Stop playing hockey.
A kite?
Dude, relax.
Nobody ever got hurt from running in the hall.
[Screaming]
There is a massive pile-up on the second floor.
Avoid at all cost.
This is my last report...ever.
[Beep]
Mr. Bigby. How's my hall monitor replacement doing--
Sweeny, why is bigby in charge here?
Do you see what he caused?
Well, I was working on an important experiment.
What kind of experiment?
Uh...it was an experiment to see...
If bigby could watch the halls while I do some shopping
And watch some dvds.
Uh-huh. It failed.
And do you geniuses know what that means?
That rules are important
And following them makes our school and society safe?
If a teacher is entrusted with hall security,
He should manage his post and not go shopping?
Close.
You missed a spot.
A lot of spots.
Ned: previously on "ned's declassified school survival guide..."
[Screaming]
So that's why I now carry this.
You're gonna carry a pillow around school?
It's a school survival cushion protector.
Testing it out.
In other news, I'm great.
Faymen's english is getting so good
He's speaking in full sentences.
Jennifer?
I'm moving back to brazil.
See?
What?!
Why does faymen have to move?!
If you had a friend who moved away, remember:
Talk is cheap. Especially after .
And with today's web communication,
Stay in close touch with im-ing, text messages, and web cams.
It'll be like faymen never moved!
Or, pillow boy,
We could figure out a way to get faymen to stay.
Talk to faymen
And find out why he's moving.
That's the first step.
Hey, bigby, nice pillow.
Cushion protector.
Here! Give it back!
[Gasping]
Friendship rings for me?
You shouldn't have.
I didn't.
But I can't go out with you.
I'd love to, but I can't.
Why not?!
Because, um... I'm moving...
To hawaii.
Dad got a job running the coconut factory.
I begged him not to move,
But it's a good job, you know,
Working with coconuts.
It's just too far distance
For us to be more than friends.
I'm sorry.
Ugh!
Ha. Hey.
There's something I want to talk to you about.
I know. Who wants to date a guy
Who's carrying around a cushion protector?
But the tests are going well.
Right. Pillow.
Cushion protector.
But did you hear that faymen's moving?
Moze is losing it,
But who could blame her, right?
And you wanted to say something?
Just that I'm really glad we're going out now.
I have no idea why parents send me back to brazil.
They come here : to talk to crubbs
To take me out of school.
I don't want to move, but what can I do?
There's a meeting today with crubbs at
Let me get back to you on that.
Faymen's parents have a meeting with crubbs at .
We gotta find out what's going on in that meeting.
Right, 'cause it could hold the key
To keeping faymen at polk.
What? This could get ugly.
Simon, I heard you're moving.
What?
Oh, right!
Well, I mean, the move could take awhile.
I mean, with the house not selling and all.
Well, we have to spend a whole day together
Before you leave.
Tomorrow! I'm moving tomorrow,
So we should spend that day today.
Nice pillow.
Nice hat.
Touche.
What do you want?
I have some very secret information
You might be interested in,
But I need some information first.
Why are faymen's parents taking him out of school?
Forget it. My meeting with faymen's parents
Is confidential.
I know things about this school.
I hear things. I write them down.
I know you want to know.
So let me know what I want to know,
And I'll let you know, you know?
You're bluffing.
I guess you'll find that out.
But by that time, it'll be too late.
Ok. Faymen's flunking out of all of his classes.
His parents say he's not eating,
Seems in a fog, and they're concerned
He hasn't brought any friends over to meet them.
Now your information. Now!
Today at lunch...
There's gonna be...
Pie. Bye!
Ugh!
So faymen's parents think he's depressed
And has no friends,
And that's why his grades are poop?
Exactly. So all we have to do
Is convince them things aren't so bad
And they let him stay.
Ha.
She hates the cushion protector.
Pillow!
Maybe I should get rid of it.
On second thought...
Aah!
Cookie, I got you a going away gift.
We're gonna miss you.
Here's my phone number.
We can talk for hours after , of course,
Will be your time. Weird, huh?
Guys, you really don't have to do this.
It's not necessary. Believe me.
Hey, everybody.
Let's skip math today,
And have big hawaiian send-off party for simon.
But if you insist!
Hi, mama. Hi, papa.
Faymen.
Dude!
Hey, faymen, you rock!
Hi, faymen! Hi, faymen!
When did you get so many friends?
Yeah?
Go. Give him a big hug.
Nice smile, and a big high-.
Ok, faymen's officially popular.
Take it away.
Copy that.
Ok, what are we doing?
Crubbs, that's you,
Is gonna convince faymen's parents
To let him stay here at polk.
Right! But how are you gonna get crubbs
Out of his office?
Ok, dude, we gotta talk about this pillow thing,
'Cause it's really not--
I'm busy.
He went that way! He's lost his mind!
Said he was running all the way
To new york city!
Aah!
Evelyn gave me a ring, so I said I was moving.
Then lisa's sad,
So I say move tomorrow, we dance,
Then many gifts come.
Now they throw big going-away party for me,
But I'm not really moving!
Why did you let it get this far?
What were you thinking?
I was thinking you'd tell me how to get out of it.
How do I get out of it?
[Clock ticking]
Just tell them your dad decided
Not to take the job and you're staying,
But do it before the party starts
So no feelings get hurt.
Right!
Is there anything you want to say to class before party starts?
Let's dance!
Ugh!
Oh.
All of this talk about faymen doing poorly
Is just so much jibbery-jabbery-jibbery.
Faymen's smart. Kids love faymen.
Faymen, faymen, faymen!
So, you think he should stay?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I'm not just a vice principal,
I'm a doctor.
I think if you take faymen back to brazil too soon,
It could be bad for his health.
He'd get rickets.
Well, in this case,
I think he should stay.
Yes, yes.
Good choice.
Faymen staying is a good choice.
Faymen will stay.
We appreciate your honesty.
You are one of a kind.
Well, this should be fun.
Right, because--
[Dancing music playing]
Maybe we should kiss since I'm...
Not moving!
[Stammering]
She's right.
My dad decided not to take the job.
Then we have... Welcome back party!
But there never was a job!
You see, since I naturally never trust people,
I researched it.
Cook's house is not for sale.
There are no coconut factories in hawaii,
And I called his dad,
And he said simon is in big trouble.
So you were never moving?
I want my gift back.
Well...he lied to us,
But we should still let him have his cake.
I probably deserve this.
No wonder faymen is in fog.
This place is crazy!
Janitors pretend to be principals.
That boy carries a pillow!
Cushion protector.
Let me explain!
These people over here are crazy, yes.
And in trouble.
But faymen's not a bad student or depressed,
And I can explain his loss of appetite.
How? What is wrong with my son?
He's in love! Puppy love.
He's in full-on crush mode.
Can't think about math 'cause he's thinking
About the girl.
I see it all the time.
Is it true, faymen?
Taking faymen out of polk now
Would really crush him.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Then he might get depressed for real.
Oh! Yeah.
And something tells me his "girl" would feel
The same way, too.
Is this the girl?
She's pretty.
[Laughing]
[Laughing]
My work here is done.
Ned, voice-over: so, faymen's not moving away.
And neither is cookie.
The bad news is everyone hates me.
Good news is evelyn must hate me, too.
You're a sneaky con artist
Who's selfish and deceiving.
That's just what I love in a man.
Here! Give it back!
[Gasping]
I love it!
Ned, voice-over: and I'm giving up the cushion protector,
'Cause let's face it, it looks ridiculous.
I'm moving.
Is this because of the pillow?
Take it. Throw it away.
The pillow's dead.
Not out of our locker. Out of the state.
My dad's job's so far away,
So we're moving closer.
I didn't know how to tell you,
So I sort of didn't.
I'm sorry.
The pillow lives!
It's like nunchucks.
[Laughing]
And never get caught running in the bells--
Running in the bells? What?
And never get caught running in the bells--
What? Why do I keep saying that?
[Muttering]
[Gibberish]
And a ham.
[Muttering]
Aah!
[Screaming]