03x13 - Cell Phones/Woodshop

[bunniefuu]

In a middle school full of bullies, insane teachers,

And gross school lunches, ned bigby--that's me--

And my two best friends try to do the impossible,

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

♪ Coming up, looking out ♪

♪ I'll survive it no doubt ♪

♪ Never fear, bring it on ♪

♪ Break it down, what's in my way? ♪

♪ And i...

♪ I'm finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And i...

"Ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

"The suzie cell phone schedule."

We figured out we could talk

Between classes times a day.

It'll be like she's still here.

No, it won't. Now check this out.

It's my new super-phone-- web, video, organizer...

A bunch of other buttons.

You hate those phones.

I do, but I got tired of having

The oldest, ugliest phone at polk.

How does it work?i have no idea.

But I only got the -minute plan

Because I will not let cell phones take over my life.

Good morning.



Why are you wearing cell phones?

Radio contest, my friends.

All over the airwaves,

Deejays are giving away wonderful prizes,

And today, k-blast is giving away this!

[Engine revving]

Cool.

I have their number on speed dial.

All my cell phones increase my odds of winning

,% Over the average listener.

This is ridiculous.

You don't even have a license.

Well, in / years when I do,

You can walk to school.

I mean, this is great,

And if there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

[Ringtone playing]

It's suzie, right on schedule.

Got to go.

Hey.

My new school stinks. I hate it.

But there's no sweeney. So that's good.

That's very good.

So, are you in class yet?

Class hasn't started yet.

Oh. Hey, my mom said

She could drive me back into town this weekend,

And maybe we can see a movie.

Ned? Ned?

No. No!

Will you just leave me alone?!

You can have it back after class.

But I was talking to...

Suzie.

[Groans] I have a stomach ache,

And I might have to go to the bathroom

All day.

Deejay: and don't forget, k-blasters,

Sometime today, we're giving away

That hot mustang convertible.

So keep listening. Ha ha ha! Yeah.

Phone, please.

Cell phones are not toys, mr. Bigby.

And although helpful in emergencies,

They are also a great nuisance.

No, they're not.

[Cell phones ringing]

Get those phones out of my classroom,

Or I'll take them away for the entire day!

Now to set speed dial for faymen.

[Cell phone beeping]

Number two? Ha ha. Not number one?

Oh. Well, ned was number one on my old phone,

And you know, it's just easier--

I can't get this phone to unlock!

To unlock, all you have to do

Is press the applications buttons,

Drag down the preference menu, select "lock" mode,

And slide the bar to unlock.

Oh, and I've put myself on your speed dial.

Number four, of course.

So if you want to talk more, press four.

[Garbled voice]

[Bell rings]

[Cell phone rings]

What?

Bring me a cushion and some snacks.

I'm in the bathroom.

No. I have to call suzie in minutes.

She thinks I hung up on her.

Well, I guess you don't want all those free rides

In my convertible in / years.

[Bang]

I call future shotgun. How long have you been in here?

/ Hours, and I will stay here

Until I win that car

Or someone drags me out.

:! Time to call suzie!

[Ring]

[Ringtone playing]

If you want some space, ned, just say so.

It was sweeney I was talking to.

I would never hang up on you. I promise.

Ok, I believe you. So, what do you think

About me coming back this weekend?

No!

Ned?

[Beep]

My cool new phone hurts.

Big cell phone tip-- never make a call

While walking down stairs or riding a bike or whatever.

You can get hurt.

Great. Now my phone is busted.

Gimme.

Do you know you've been on a video call

For minutes?

What? I must have called somebody by accident!

Who talks that long without anybody talking back?

Oh, and be careful of calling in the science hallway, too.

It's got really bad reception there--

Good-bye, martin!

[Beep]

Great! Now I have minutes to talk

For the rest of the month.

It's faymen.

No. Can't talk.

I've got to save my last call for an emergency.

And I'm having a suzie emergency.

Give me the phone now.

[Music playing on radio]

I need a phone now.

What?

No. My chance to win the car is coming up.

Back off.

Ah!

[Fighting]

I just need one phone!

Hand them over!

All of them...now.

Aren't cell phones great?

Now the two of you are fighting over them.

They're a nuisance and only should be used for emergencies.

But this is an emergency.

Oh, really? Well, what's wrong?

I'm trying to win a car.

Oh! You can have them back at the end of the day,

And you'll realize that life is better without them!

Now, out! Out! Out! Out!

Just let me use it,

And I'll help you get the others back.

K-blast never gives away prizes until the end of the day.

[Ringtone playing]

[Beep]

[Beep beep]

Oh. Beep beep beep.

[Can-can playing]

I can't get the ringer to shut off.

It's locked...again.

It's a very complex phone.

I just can't get the ringer to shut off!

Ouch!

If you don't want to talk to me, just hang up.

[Beep]

Yes?

Just give me a minute, and I can explain everything.

Go on.

[Voice breaking up]

What?

I'm hitting a dead spot. I'm breaking up.

What did you say?

I'm breaking up! I'm breaking up!

Then don't ever bother calling me again, ned bigby.

Deejay on radio: remember, sometime in the next minutes,

We're giving away that brand-new mustang convertible.

Ha ha ha! Yeah!

Help me get my phone jacket back.

You promised you'd help.

I hate my cool new phone, and now faymen thinks I'm--

No gab talk. Help win car now.

We've got to get rid of sweeney.

How?

I got a plan.

I'm mr. Sweeney.

[Music playing]

We're very sorry,

But we're trying to win a convertible on k-blast.

You are all in big trouble!

We know. We know.

Deejay: it's time, folks.

Call now. Be the first caller

And win that mustang convertible.

Quick! Press one on all the phones!

Do it now!

[Beeping]

Deejay: no more calls. We have a winner.

Congratulations. You've won the car.

Who's calling? Hello?

Hello? Who's there?

Hello?

I got it! It's this one!

Hello? Hello?

Cookie: hello. I'm here. Yes.

Deejay: who's on k-blast? What's your name, buddy?

Cookie: simon nelson cook from polk middle school!

Deejay: awesome. So...you're a teacher there?

Cookie: no, I'm a student.

Deejay: great. But you've got to be to play. Bye.

Ok, simon didn't win that mustang.

So we'll try again in the next minutes.

We're gonna give away that car!

Go on.

You can punish us now. We deserve it.

I'll decide your punishment later.

Now...out!

And leave the cell phones.

Uh....uh!

[Bell rings]

I won my dream car, and then I lost it.

I'll never talk to suzie crabgrass ever again.

Here. I switched back to my old phone.

It may be old and ugly, but I know how to use it,

And suzie's on speed dial.

You're letting me use your last minutes?

It's an emergency.

[Beep]

[Ringtone playing]

Hey, jennifer.

Suzie, I never meant to hang up on you!

Sweeney pulled the phone away,

And the hang-up happened when moze hit me!

Then the reception breaking up in the hall,

Not me breaking up with you!

Ok, ok. I believe you.

But if you ever hang up on me again, we're finished.

[Click]

Ned?

Suzie? Suzie?

[Beeping]

That's it. We're through.

One last cell phone tip-- charge up every night,

Because you never want a dead battery

During an emergency.

Could this day get any worse?

Yes. Yes.

I'm letting you three off the hook,

Because I think you learned something today--

That cell phones, although convenient,

Add unnecessary stress to our day.

But I learned there are some advantages.

Like what?

Speed dial.

[Car alarm beeps]

Deejay on radio: congratulations to mr. Sweeney

From polk middle school for winning that convertible!

Ha ha ha!

[Sobbing]

What is that?

A kitty for suzie.

Now that she moved away,

I've got to work extra hard to keep us together.

So I send her clay kitty,

And she remembers how thoughtful I am.

And you remembered to press all the air

Out of the clay before you molded it, right?

Why? What would happen if I didn't?

[Rumbling]

[Siren]

So, until we rebuild "art class,"

Each of you will have to temporarily

Take another "elective."

[Saw whirring]

Welcome to woodshop.

Isn't this fun?

Now remember, woodshop can be fun.

But it can also be dangerous, so check out these tips.

Don't rush your projects,

And always follow safety codes.

And don't forget-- never wear any loose clothes.

Remember, the tools in this shop are family.

This is sheila the bandsaw,

Darryl the drill.

So treat them all with care and respect,

And they won't cut your arms off.

And who's this?

That's christine.

Leave her alone. She's a bad saw.

Bad.

I'm building a kitty mansion for my girlfriend.

She loves kitties.

Jennifer loves kitties?

What? No. Moze isn't my girlfriend.

Really?

She talks about you all the time.

You make a great pair.

Trust me. I know these things.

It's a...gift.

Well, she's not, and we only

Like each other as friends.

I don't think so.

Start small on your first project,

Like not a kitty house for suzie.

Kitty mansion.

And what's the big deal?

I'm great with tools.

Uh! My dowels!

Pff! See?

What were you working on anyways?

Call me superstitious,

But I don't want to jinx it by talking about it.

Weirdo secret girl!

[Saw whirring]aah!

She doesn't look so bad.

She looks kind of lonely.

Don't forget the goggles.

[Saw whirring]

Who took christine out?

Whoever took her, I need her put back.

I told you she is a bad saw!

Jennifer, jennifer, trust me.

I know about these things.

It's a...gift.

I don't know.

I mean, the way it goes back and forth

Is...uncomfortable.

Hey, look, you've been talking about this for a long time.

You can do it.

What if he doesn't like me?

[Crash]he's going to--

Fall for you hook, line, and sinker.

Does moze like me?

Ok, christine...

I don't want to get in trouble

By the crazy woodshop teacher.

So let's put you back in your cage.

[Saw whirring]

She's a bad saw.

Bad.

[Saw whirring]

Aah! She's alive!

[Screaming]

[Saw whirring]

What do you want from me?

Hey. Homemade gifts are a great way

To show somebody you care.

Girls like getting flowers, too.

Either way, suzie is lucky

To have a thoughtful guy like you.

She better be careful before somebody else snaps you up.

[Saw whirring]

So...is your secret project for someone special?

Like faymen?

Yep, but not for faymen.

That's all I'm going to say about it,

But you will find out later today.

With...

Ah!

Moze likes me!

She's going to give me some heart-shaped gift!

I don't know what to do.

What? You're crazy.

Christine the saw is trying to k*ll me!

I've got to stop her

Before she tries to stop me. Ha ha ha.

They're talking about me. I know it.

Now...

The judge is coming here at :

To look at the rocking chair

So you can make the entry deadline.

This could mean a trip

To the national woodworking finals.

I'm working as fast as I can,

But it's just not perfect.

Jennifer, don't call the chair an "it."

It's a "he."

Great woodworkers bond with their creations, jennifer.

They give them life.

Now...tell him you love him.

But i--

Look, I'm the teacher here,

And if you want this to work--and I know you do--

You have to tell him you love him.

[Crash]

Are you sure you heard what you heard when you heard it?

Yes. No. Maybe.

Go find out for me.

Why not? I got nothing else to do.

Moze. Ha ha ha.

So, chopsaw told me all about this special project of yours.

He told you?

Oh, dusty and I go way back.

So anyway, this is a pretty big moment, right?

Huge. And I want it to be perfect.

Yeah, because when you care about something this much,

It should be.

He's very important to me.

I'm still not sure if the whole thing is going to work.

Neither is he, believe me.

But I think once I sand him down

And give him a good shellacking,

He'll love it.

He might.

We'll find out at :. Tck.

:.

Ow!

[Thud]

She definitely digs you, and she's telling you at :.

But I'm not ready for :.

Oh, relax. Look, you two were bound to go out sometime,

So why not now?

What's the worst that could happen?

It doesn't work out, you break up,

And you never speak to each other again.

What should I do?!

Make her a gift, something from the heart.

Yeah, girls love that.

I was building this for suzie,

But I guess I could give it to moze.

Ooh...how nice.

[Cat meows]

Girls also love flowers. Let's go.

[Saw whirring]

Watch out, dr. Lowe. She's a k*ller.

She's bad.

Cook, as the school psychiatrist,

It is my job to tell you

You obviously have a phobia of woodshop

And have projected it onto the saw.

See?

It doesn't bite.

But she chased me.

The saw is not a "she."

It's just a plain, dumb, ugly saw...

A poorly designed, overpriced

Hunk of plastic and--

[Saw whirring]

[Shouting]

Quick! Quick! Run for your life!

Oh! Aah!

Get the--get the saw!

Get the saw! Get the saw!

Die! Die! Die!

[Panting]

[Whirring stops]

Hey! What did you two nitwits

Do to my saw?

She was possessed by evil,

But we're safe now. We're all safe now.

She was a bad saw. Bad.

She was defective.

It was a cordless saw that had a short

And started up without warning.

That's why it was in a cage.

I was going to take it back to the store for a refund,

But now...i'm out bucks!

We should stop by my office

To talk about your anger issues.

What?!

Or I'll just pay you back

With funds from my aromatherapy budget.

And I'll clean up the shop.

Good. I'm expecting a v.i.p. Here at :,

And I want it spotless!

And keep away from this.

Lamebrains.

Here.

Flowers? For me?

Yes. And I have something to say.

And I don't really know how to say it.

So I'm just going to say it. I--

Before you say anything,

I've got to show you something.

You made me a rocking chair?

I love it.

No. I made the rocking chair for the judge.

I hope he loves it.

I got to say, this whole thing

Took me by surprise, but--judge? What judge?

Right this way, mr. Baumgarten.

I didn't tell you about it earlier

In case I didn't finish.

If this guy likes my chair, I'm going

To the national woodworking finals.

Ooh, these arms make the perfect pair.

Oh, I was way off.

So, what's with the flowers?

To cheer you up, us being friends and all.

Ha ha...ha.

Cheer me up for what?

Now let's have a seat.

The chair fails.

What happened to my chair?!

Wait.

Cheer me up? You did this!

You lost control of a saw again,

Destroyed my chair,

And thought flowers would make up for it!

No, that's not it. Believe me.

Then let me guess.

I suppose you got me the flowers

To tell me you like me.

On second thought, I cut your chair. Sorry.

You might want to run now.

Whoa!

Get back here!

Oh! Go away!

Ah, young love. Ooh!

Aah!

Ouch!

These arms make the perfect pair.

Ooh, these arms make the perfect pair.

[Indistinct]

Either way, suzie's lucky to have a great guy--

I don't know why I put my hands around him like this.

[Tool whirring]

Number two? Not the number one?

[Laughter]