03x19 - Health/Jealousy

[bunniefuu]

Ned: in a middle school full of bullies...

Insane teachers...

And gross school lunches...

Ned bigby, that's me, and my best friends

Try to do the impossible:

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

♪ Coming up, looking out

♪ I'll survive it, no doubt

♪ Never fear, bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm taking control

♪ And feeling my place in this world ♪

♪ And i...

Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

[Bell ringing]

Welcome to health class, everyone,

Where for the next week

We're gonna learn all about first aid, hygiene,

Nutrition, and the human body.

[Giggling]

Ok, giggle all you want to, people,

But you won't be laughing when your hormones rage

And you have mood swings, body odors,

And that embarrassing itch.

[Laughing]

I don't want to be talked to.

Good morning.

Well, what's so good about it?

Ok, we're all gonna be tested on cpr...

With resusci-larry.

So, first up, alan alby.

Yes!

[Ding]

Alan, all right.

Next up, ned bigby.



[Gargling]

Ugh! I hate health!

I mean, I know how my body works.

I eat, I poop. Done.

Well, tomorrow there is no way

I'm putting my lips on that thing.

Ugh!

It's mandatory if you want to pass.

That's why you're helping me break into health class

And give larry a total makeover.

I'm talking disinfectant,

Mouthwash, haircut--

Faymen's nice clothes.

When I get done with larry,

He'll be downright kissable.

But what will I wear?

Your soccer warm-ups.

I want larry to look good.

Please? Ok.

Go change.

Hi, cookie.

You've been kind of mood swingy today.

I'm not having mood swings today,

But monroe thinks I am,

So I'm all off for a "meeting" with him.

What are you looking at?

How are you guys today?

Whoa! I'm good.

I'm...i gotta go.

Well, I'm off to get rid of someone

I refuse to touch lips with.

[Bell ringing]

Ah. The itch is gone.

Enough! Why aren't you in class?

I had to...

I don't like funny business, mr. Bigby.

And don't be late for science today.

I'm doing an experiment...

Using talcum powder, ear wax, and coconuts.

Great. Got it. No funny business.

Man, larry has big feet!

Ugh!

Hey, I learned the heimlich!

Get him over to the sink for his bath.

I'm sorry, I've just been moody lately.

Maybe I'm losing my mind.

You're not losing your mind.

Your body's changing. Your hormones are raging.

That can effect you physically and mentally.

So being moody is normal?

Absolutely.

And all sorts of things can cause mood swings:

Stress, hormones. Skipping breakfast

Is a huge cause of moodiness.

I was late this morning,

And I skipped breakfast.

So I'm not crazy, I'm just hungry.

Here you go.

Now, I forgot something in my classroom,

So you eat, relax, look out the window,

And if you feel like your head is starting to freak out,

Come see me anytime, ok?

He does look better.

All right. Get him over to the table

For some serious mouth washing.

Ooh! He's heavy.

Ooh! Whoa!

What is your problem?

I'd rather not say.

What--

I do feel better.

Ooh!

Great. Now we have to get larry back

Before mr. Monroe busts us.

Yeah. But first, bye.

Well, I'm off to get rid of someone

I refuse to touch lips with.

Hi, cookie.

Oh! She got rid of faymen because he's a bad kisser.

[Bell ringing]

Aah!

Ooh!

Have you seen larry?

He's gone! Someone larry-napped him!

Nope. But I was thinking

Of doing some extra credit

On how the body changes and how you'd get rid

Of an embarrassing itch.

So how do you get rid of it?

Oh, right, well first, any talcum powder

Will take care of the itching.

Larry!

Thanks for the hideout.

Moze, I gotta say,

You're gonna be a hero to health students

All over the school.

All right. Now for the finishing touch

Before we sneak him back:

Mouthwash.

Excellent idea.

Open up, larry.

[Sizzling]

I don't think he likes it.

[Boom]

Aah! I think you just k*lled larry.

Don't die on me, larry,

Or I'm in big trouble!

All right, don't panic.

We'll just sneak him back into health class.

No one will ever know you took him.

Powder. Powder.

Where's the powder?

Powder? Where are you, powder?

Yes! Hello, talcum powder...

And good-bye--

Bigby! What are you doing?

That's my experiment. Give me that.

No, I need the powder. Let go.

No. No!

Back off!

[Groaning]

Now sit there and stop twitching!

And I don't want to see you

For the rest of the day.

Now I have to get a new lunch

And more talcum powder.

It was her idea!

Larry was just so gross,

And I just--i wanted to clean him up,

And, you know, mouthwash, sparks fly,

Larry beeps no more, no beeps.

I'm sorry.

I hate that doll, too,

But the school won't let me buy a new one.

According to school policy,

If larry is stolen,

You can get a new larry. A new not gross larry.

Yeah, I've tried that already.

I've throw him out.

He's been returned times.

Then we'll just have to make sure

That no one ever finds him.

Ned!

Help. I saw moze dragging a body

Out of the courtyard.

Ssh! I know!

I'm the one who threw him out the window.

You what?

I had an itch,

And I couldn't take it anymore.

I lost control,

And I'm losing control right now!

Aah!

Monroe! You said if I was freaking out,

I could come see you.

He's too big.

He won't fit.

Oh, he'll fit. Watch.

Yeah. That's it. Push him down.

Can't let anyone see me scratching my personal area.

Must...aah!

Wow, you're mad, but I can explain.

You're really red with anger.

Oh, you're so mad you want to strangle me?

No, you're so mad

You want to b*at me with your hot dog.

Your hot dog--you're choking on a hot dog!

Huh!

What?

I guess I should be glad

That you didn't listen to me and left the office.

Why don't you listen to me?

Because I have an embarrassing itch,

And it's k*lling me!

Well, why didn't you just say so?

Because it's embarrassing!

What you have is a microbial irritation,

So use this powder to dry the area,

And tonight have your mom

Bleach your underwear to k*ll it.

And shower regularly.

Your body's going through big changes, mr. Bigby.

It's all part of life.

And it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Oh, and one more thing.

Thanks for saving my life.

Thanks for saving mine.

Perfect. Ha ha.

And nobody saw a thing.

I saw everything!

And I'm giving you until the end of the day

To turn yourselves in.

How could you do this to him?

Easy. I don't want to put my lips on that thing.

Yeah. He was really disgusting.

I just did it for the fun of it.

Why are you freaking out over a dummy anyway?

He was no dummy! He was faymen.

He just couldn't kiss very well.

Faymen? Cookie, this is larry.

See?

He's just having more of his mood swings.

He'll be fine.

[Laughing]

Hey! I don't itch anymore!

Oh.

Ned, voice-over: so, cookie realized that faymen was fine

And took care of his moodiness by eating right every morning.

And with a little help from moze,

Mr. Monroe taught the class a very important lesson

On a brand-new larry: the heimlich maneuver.

If someone is choking,

Place the thumb side of your fist below the ribs.

Cover it with your other hand...

And thrust upward until the obstruction is dislodged.

Although health class may feel like extra work,

It helps us understand how our bodies are changing,

And that can be a huge lifesaver.

Ok, are there any questions?

Ned, voice-over: if you go to school,

Sooner or later you're gonna have to deal with jealousy.

When you see something you wish you had...

Or see someone talking to the crush of your life,

It's normal to feel jealous.

But just remember, jealousy is usually a sign of insecurity.

So be confident in who you are and grateful for what you have.

And keep your jealousy under control,

'Cause when it controls you, things can get ugly.

Stay away from my man, sister.

Hey, cutie, is this seat taken?

Ever since I let missy kiss me,

She won't let any other girl get near me.

She's crazy with jealousy!

Keep moving. No ned to see here.

I don't get the whole jealousy thing.

I've just never felt it about anybody ever.

[Siren]

Oh, no, you didn't.

Aah!

Ned is mine!

I never knew jealousy could make a girl

That nuts about a guy.

Jealousy is bad.

No, it's great.

Because if I make lisa jealous,

She'll dump those guys and be obsessed with me.

It's genius!

Just tell missy the truth:

You're not interested in her.

Because the truth doesn't work

On crazy people!

I'm doomed to live

In this no flirting zone forever!

Wait a minute. You're a girl.

Thanks for noticing.

And you're standing right in the middle of the zone!

Yeah, because missy knows you and I are friends,

And she's afraid of me.

Right. Be my girlfriend.

What?

Now all you gotta do is wear my jacket.

That's a total sign

You're going out with someone.

Oh, and we'll wear these matching friendship rings.

Again, what?

Look, just pretend to be my girlfriend

For a little while,

And then super-jealous missy

Will stop terrorizing me

And innocent girls all over the school.

[Meow, screaming]

What about faymen?

He's not the jealous type.

And all we gotta do is hold hands,

Cuddle a little bit, peck on the cheek.

Ok. I'm in.

[Bell ringing]

I love you, too, snookie snuggles.

Hmm, I can't wait to see you, too,

My totally hot perfect girlfriend.

Simon, are you dating someone?

Oh, yeah. Totally goo-goo ga-ga in love.

Hmm. I didn't know.

Well, I'll see you later.

Yes, you will,

Because my new girlfriend is making someone very jealous.

How could you?

You're dating faymen. What about us?

There is no us.

You broke us up, remember?

I said we needed time off.

You said that months ago.

Jennifer, hi.

Jennifer's my girl, bucko,

And I challenge you

To a battle of honor for her hand.

[Smack]

Very well, then, my friend,

But I must warn you, I am the jealous type.

[Smack]

G-g-g-guys!

Don't be jealous over me,

And where are you getting the white gloves?

You're right.

We'll settle this the old-fashioned way.

[Whinnying]

[Screaming]

[Whinnying]

Guys can be such idiots!

Tell me about it.

Who gave you all that stuff?

My new, fake, hot, imaginary girlfriend.

It's missy. Run!

Hey, missy. We need to talk.

I like you better when we don't.

I found someone else.

You're so cute when you say things

That you know will get you and whoever you're talking about

Seriously injured.

Hey, brand-new boyfriend.

Mosely? You're going out with mosely?

Sorry, missy, but we're in love.

But according to "teen scene" magazine,

% Of all middle school relationships

Fail within the first hours.

So I'll be watching you like a hawk.

And as soon as things go bad, you're mine!

Yes!

You can let go now.

Oh...right. I know.

Ooh! For me? Oh.

They're from her.

Wow.

She must really be something.

She's great. She has long, dark hair,

She's really smart, and very mysterious.

I'd love to meet her sometime.

Oh, I bet you would.

I bet you'd have something to say to her.

Well, if that's the way you want it,

I'll bring her to lunch tomorrow.

Great. Then I'll see you then.

I bet you can't wait to meet her

And unleash all your jealous rage on--lunch!

Oh, my god!

[Bell ringing]

Quick. Look like you love me

Before missy gets here.

Huh. Is that it? No kiss?

I thought you were in love. Mmm.

The hours are not up yet. Ugh!

Wow. Ha.

That's pretty convincing.

Anything for a pal.

Yeah. So how are you and faymen doing?

Just asking.

Who? Oh, right.

[Screaming]

He's fighting for my honor or something.

More? You want some more?

Hey! What are you dorks doing?

I'm fighting for jennifer's honor

In a sumo suit since she is my true love.

No, she's mine!

No, she's mine!

And I will fight for her, too.

Fine. But we're really tired

From girl-honor fighting.

Yeah. Let's pick it up first thing tomorrow.

Deal.

Moze, I need you to be my fake girlfriend

To make lisa jealous at lunch today.

Sorry, I'm already fake going out with ned.

Oh!

Just more seconds.

[Buzzer]

Fine. It's been hours

And you guys are still together,

So I guess I just have to accept it and move on.

And the fan was a nice touch, by the way. Ugh!

Yes! I'm free of missy!

So I guess we don't have to pretend go out anymore.

No. I guess not.

So should we pretend break up?

Yeah. I--i guess we should break up.

I knew it.

Ned and moze just broke up.

So his cute butt's mine again.

Oh, don't worry. Calm down.

I have the answer

To your fake girlfriend problem.

The resusci-larry doll from health class?

This will never fool lisa.

Not now. But with a wig, make-up,

Accented animation, artificial voice box,

And a darkened corner of the cafeteria,

She will make anyone rage with jealousy.

You really think this will work?

Just leave everything to me,

And I'll see you at lunch.

Get ready to meet the perfect girlfriend

Who will drive lisa jealous crazy!

[Groaning]

You're so hot, cookie.

I'm ruined!

Wait! You haven't seen the animation yet.

Oh!

Here. You have to wear this now.

[Siren]

I love cookie.

Ow!

Who would ever believe that this thing

Is a real girl?

Get away from my man, sister!

Hey, cutie, is this seat taken?

[Stammering]

Oh, so evelyn's your girlfriend.

She is?

Oh, I mean she is.

Does this burn you up with--with rage

And flames of jealousy?

I'm not the jealous type.

If you're happy, I'm happy.

I'll let you get back to your lunch.

We're going out? Kiss me, you fool!

No!

We're gonna be so happy together,

And nothing will break us apart.

Stay away from my man, sister!

Aah!

Ok, I'm convinced.

You guys really do have something special.

And mosely scares me.

Bye, ned, forever. Ugh!

That was amazing!

I really thought you were jealous.

And now all my missy problems are gone!

Hey, that's jennifer!

And she's holding ned romantically.

I think you might have a new problem.

Get him! Get him!

Aah!

You can do it.

Ugh.

Ah-ha!

[Groaning]

The creepy guy in the bathroom.

Someone narry- lapped him!

Nope.

Someone narry-lapped?

Someone narry- lapped him.

I hate that doll, too.

But the school won't let me buy any new one.

[Laughing]