01x06 - Not Ready to Share Yet

[bunniefuu]

Oh. Aah!

Still not used to that.

What's the square footage in this place?

I could rent this in a

day if I were still alive

and hadn't been hit by that bus.

Yeah, you've said that, many times.

You know, you don't

need to brush your teeth.

There's already fluoride in the water,

and that's how the

Illuminati tracks you.

Well, lucky for you,

you don't have to worry

about that anymore.

You don't know that.

- What?!

- Is it gonna be much longer?

We agreed when you moved in,

10 minutes of bathroom time,

and I got one in the chamber.

Give me a minute! That's gross.

Does he know about this whole deal?

No. Nobody does.

Are you crazy? They'd lock her up.

That's what happens to truth tellers.

I really got to tell Dennis

to stop giving me multiple

obituaries at once.

Come on! Who are you talking to, anyway?

Nobody. Just listening to

a very annoying podcast.

You know lying is a sin?

How do you feel about all this, Father?

I'm very confused about

everything that's happening.

- Mm.

- Maybe you should talk to an Episcopalian.

I can't believe they put you

in charge of this festival.

I know, right?

It's the newspaper's biggest moneymaker,

and usually, they give it

to, like, a section editor,

and then I realized, yeah,

your girl's a section editor.

- Okay.

- Mm-hmm.

Do they know your sordid

history with the festival?

- Mm.

- How when we were broke staff writers,

we would just steal

from all the vendors?

I still can't eat coconut shrimp.

Oh, I learned real quick not

to put skewers in your pocket.

I remember that.

Whoa. The IT guy got a blowout.

- Oh!

- Sam, I'm sure you don't mind.

I needed to find out what a Karen was,

and I thought it might be a sex thing,

so I didn't want to Google

from my work computer.

Turns out it's a compliment.

Wow, you really got your

finger on the zeitgeist, Lexi.

I know. Oh! Bad news.

Bistro Eleven has had to drop out of

- the food and wine festival.

- I know who could replace them.

Do you remember Nyam Mat,

that Swedish-Jamaican fusion

place we were obsessed with?

Of course! Their jerk herring

got us through quarantine.

Plus, they're really kind of on-brand

with what we were envisioning

for the event, right?

Chic, sexy, but in a

casual way, just like

- Tilda Swinton!

- Tilda Swinton!

Ha ha, yes! I love Tilda Swinton.

She's so gaunt.

Sam, you should come

over to my place tonight.

Dinner on me

as a little thank-you

for all of your hard work.

We can finalize the layout for the event

while sipping rosé and

mocking our husbands.

Yes to that.

I am so sorry. Rain check on Cricket's?

Sure. No problem.

- I know you have a lot on your plate.

- Thanks.

Oh, if it helps, I bet I can get Cricket

to do a booth for her wine bar.

That would help so much. Thank you.

How sweet.

Sam, why don't you come up to my office,

try out my new massage chair?

I had them take out the restrictor plate

so it really gets in there.

Mm! Great.

- Heh.

- Awesome.

Yeah, have fun in that massage chair.

Me and my sciatica will just be here

uncomfortably writing obituaries.

Oh.

- Hey, hey.

- Mm-hmm?

Just sent you your next obit assignment.

Terri Lawrence, the

puppet lady from the '80s.

- OH.

- Hi.

I'm Ham Hock.

Oh, great, a puppet lady. Awesome.

Oh, I'm more than a puppet.

I'm a friend!

Oh, Nell, I would love

to do your festival.

Honey, Monty and I used

to do them all the time,

and we'd have so much fun.

But it's a two-person job.

- Maybe I can help.

- You know anything about wine?

I dabble.

- You dabble?

- I do.

Okay. Tell me about that.

Mm.

It's very wet on the palate.

- No.

- Oh.

Deep garnet color.

Fruit punch, pipe tobacco.

Velvety tannins. Old World.

- Mm.

- Southern Italy.

- Is this a 2016 Primitivo?

- Yes!

I hate it.

How do you know so much about wine?

Well, when I was trying

to get my girlfriend,

I read an article in Glamour

"Ten Things Women Love".

Wine was at the top of the list.

So, naturally, I learned

everything I could about it.

Unfortunately, however,

she doesn't drink.

It's too bad you're out

of town this weekend.

- I'm not. She asked me not to come.

- Why?

- Women are complex.

- Mm.

Like a 2019 Bordeaux.

Oh! Can't turn it off.

So, you can help Cricket?

- Ah?

- Hmm?

- I did get a new shirt.

- Oh.

No tag, super soft.

I'm very excited to get into it.

- Okay.

- Yay!

You guys are gonna love it.

Oh, me and my friends always

steal from all the booths.

But not yours, of course.

Huh!

God, I miss bread.

I am gonna eat and drink

all the food and wine

at the food and wine festival

until it is just a festival.

Right. You're starving yourself.

How's the Great Sperm Detox going?

Well, Ben and I are making our

deposits tonight after work.

We haven't had a single drop of alcohol

or a decent bite of food in three weeks.

- Oy.

- Gotta keep those wigglyboys a-squigglin'.

- Ew! No. Don't do that.

- No.

- Yes. Do it.

- Wonderful news, Sam.

My father will now be attending

our event to see firsthand

how well we're marketing

ourselves to our community.

I just could not be more pleased.

Just because he's the

CEO of a very successful

media/health-supplement empire

does not mean that he's particular.

No, he's very easy to deal with,

but that said, I think

adding just a couple of things

that I know will get a positive

response could be the move.

Lexi. Lexi, I know your dad

kind of stresses you

out, so you doing okay?

Uh-huh. Yeah, totally.

- Uh! You're choking me.

- Needs to be tighter.

Yes, listen, I think just

a couple of small things,

like perhaps have a booth set up

with people hand-rolling cigars.

That That'd be something easy to do,

and I can text you the customs

forms for his tobacco concierge.

So that'll be easy. Oh!

We also need to switch

out the jazz band,

because, um, jazz agitates him.

In fact, he doesn't

actually care for anything

that inspires people

to move their bodies.

Uh, so maybe, um, I

don't know bagpipes!

Can you get bagpipes?

Of course you can. You're magic.

Oh, I don't have that kind of time.

Ooh, speaking of time, I need

you to move up everything by

two hours to accommodate his schedule.

Thank you, thank you,

thank you! You're the best.

Hey.

You guys are screwed. Byeee.

Is she for real?

She just comes in here

and dumps work on you

and messes with your bangs,

which were perfect to

begin with, by the way?

No, it's fine.

Her dad just throws a lot at her.

You're a very nice person.

You're like Tilda Swinton in some movie

where she does too much for someone

who doesn't appreciate her.

Oh, I'm I'm not even sure who she is.

The point is, this doesn't

feel like a two-way street.

Just because a friend has another friend

doesn't mean you can't all be friends.

Quit it, pig!

Look, Nell, Lexi and

I are friends, okay?

So it would be really

helpful if the two of you

- could just figure out a way to get along.

- Of course.

Just 'cause my friend has another friend

doesn't mean we can't all be friends.

- Okay.

- That's what I like to hear.

But I hope it was sincere.

Oh, my God.

This was so hard to pull

together last-minute.

I can't even tell what's real anymore.

It seems like you pulled it off.

- Look at this.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

So, we might want to switch

around the booths

so people eat before they drink,

because I don't know if it's the detox,

or maybe it's the empty stomach,

but this wine has your boy festive.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

It was not supposed to be like that.

It was just changing

the time for Lexi's dad

screwed everything up.

Well, I desperately need some

food to soak up this wine,

so Risotto Hut, five minutes.

Sam, babe, what time is

Kilta Kimbo hitting the stage?

- The who what now?

- Kilta Kimbo.

The Scottish Highland

dancing group I booked.

- I

- I thought your dad hated dancing.

Correct. He does, but he loves kicking.

Ah! It's arrived.

What's What's arrived?

Why is there a monster

truck at my festival?

I had it donated so

we could raffle it off.

But I'm gonna make sure Daddy wins it.

- Our little secret.

- No, that's fraud.

You're hilarious.

So, Lex, this is a little bit

more than what I was expecting

when you asked me to help

you out with this festival.

Oh, it's nothing my BFF can't handle.

My Best Friend, Figuring it out.

Well, no, that would be BFFIO,

and that's not even a real thing.

If I have to make room for that truck,

I'm gonna lose tables,

so I might as well just lost my mind

- because that seems more efficient.

- Okay, are you breathing?

I don't know. My chest is going up and

down, but nothing's going in or out.

It's just a wine festival, okay?

What's the worst that can happen?

Someone could drink without eating

and they'd get dehydrated

and then they could die,

then possibly other people die,

and then we'd have to go on the lam

and dye our hair blond

and move to Portugal.

Portugal? Okay, nobody's going to die.

But if they did, you would

look really hot as a blonde.

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

You got this. Come on.

Alright. Okay.

I am and gonna go and make

this festival my bitch.

- Yes, you are.

- Okay.

'Cause I'm your real BFF, you know?

Not like a BFF that's

utterly and truly insensitive.

Yeah, 'cause that would be a

BFF-UTI, and nobody wants that.

It's not nice to be mean

about someone's friend.

That's right, Ham Hock.

And UTIs are no joking matter.

This isn't going to end well.

You know what I'm in the mood for?

- Hmm?

- Some prosciutto.

And so, much like Aladdin,

we end our journey in a whole

new world with our Syrah.

You can tell they've tried to extract

as much terroir as possible.

Drink.

Why?

Monty and I used to

play this wine-snob game.

If anyone said "terroir" or

"legs" or "jammy", we'd drink.

He was right about the terroir, though.

I'm starting to think

that it's not the festivals

that I enjoy so much. It's Monty.

We could have fun anywhere. I'm sorry.

I guess the heat and

the sun b*ating down

doesn't have me in a fun mood.

Excuse me.

Would you mind loaning

my friend your umbrella?

I don't think so.

- She just lost her husband.

- Ohh.

I'm sorry for your loss.

- Yeah. I hope this helps.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Aww.

You know, she's also sad

because she doesn't have a lemonade.

- You didn't get a lemonade?

- Mnh-mnh.

- Here you go.

- Aww. Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Mmm!

This is much tastier than my tears.

Okay.

Alright now. Bless you. Thank you.

Did we just invent the Widow Game?

- I think we did.

- Okay! I like it.

Okay, it's not perfect,

but it could be so much worse, right?

It could be so much worse.

I don't know I would have

done any of this without you.

- Sam?

- Mm?

What is this?

A plate with a hole in it.

It is a hole for your wine glass.

Yeah, I took this from a

woman. She brought it from home.

- I'd like it back.

- You stay out of this.

Now, this is innovation.

This is unique, creative.

It's making all of

our plates look stupid!

Okay, are you being serious right now?

Because I moved heaven and earth

to make this festival great,

and now you're upset because the plates

don't have holes in them?

No, I'm upset because

I hired you to do a job

and you you dropped the ball.

Oh, you hired me? I'm

someone you hire now?

Because when you were

stressed and needed

someone to stay up all

night, then I was your friend.

Sam, make no mistake, I am your boss,

and it is your job to do

exactly what I tell you to do.

And right now, it doesn't feel

like you're up for that job.

Here.

Whoa. I am so sorry.

That was harsh even for Lexi standards.

- It's fine.

- No! It is not.

She claims to be your friend,

and then she treats

you like crap all day.

She's spoiled and entitled,

and she doesn't deserve you, dude.

You know what?

Actually, if she thinks

that I am so terrible

at running this event,

then she can run the rest of it herself,

and you and I can go off

and have fun like we used to.

Go! Okay, come on.

Alright. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Yes, yes, yes. Oh, you better hurry up.

My father was, um he

was a connoisseur himself,

and do you have vegan

I gotta go. Thank you.

- Mm!

- Ah!

Look at you!

I don't even know how you did that.

- You know what sucks?

- Huh?

I work my ass off to

make Lexi's event great.

She doesn't appreciate any of it.

No, no, no, no, no. We don't

need to talk about Lexi.

Come on. We're having so much fun.

After I pee, let's go see

if the bagpipers will let us

- try to play a song.

- You're right.

And you've always been

right about her, you know?

- Well

- I'm done with her.

She is spoiled and entitled

and she doesn't deserve me as a friend.

I tend to be a good judge of character.

Wrap it up, buddy!

But the good news is, is that I'm back.

You don't need her anymore. Heh heh!

- Thank you!

- It's all yours.

- To you.

- Whew!

Oh, yeah, there it is.

You know, someone

should actually tell Lexi

to her face that she's selfish.

- Uh-huh.

- And that she's a butthole.

Yeah, she is. Ha!

And that person should be me right now.

- Huh?

- Here I go.

Wait, what?

No, Sam, that's a terrible idea.

She's your boss. Sam!

Sam? Huh?

No. Sam? Sam?

I warned you things wouldn't end well

if you didn't share your friend.

You were in there the whole time?

I saw everything.

That is not cool.

Uh, hey, Lexi.

Um, did Sam come to talk to you yet?

No, she has not.

Okay, well, it looks like you're waiting

for your dragons to hatch,

so I'll just leave you to it.

This event is a complete disaster.

I stupidly made all these changes

just so my father would like

it, and now he's not even coming.

His assistant texted me to

say that he can't make it,

just like my graduation, my wedding,

- my birth.

- Uh

Alrighty.

Well, it looks like you have

that under control, so bye!

Lexi seems sad.

You should never leave

someone alone who's sad.

Put a sock in it, sock. Okay?

I'm done with the moralizing.

Why do you find it so hard

to listen to good advice?

Oh, my God, Terri.

I'll be honest, I completely forgot

you were just a person.

That's okay. Sometimes I forget, too.

Nell, when I was a child,

I had a terrible stutter.

A lot of the kids made fun of me.

It made me really sad,

and I closed myself off

from the rest of the world.

And then one day, I

drew a face on a sock,

and it made me smile,

and I realized that when I

talked through the puppet,

my stutter went away.

Wow. That's amazing.

Ham Hock let me talk to people,

and I realized that the

ones who are the prickliest

are hiding that, deep

down, they're in pain.

I know that Ham Hock may seem silly,

but with her help, I make people

who are hurting feel better.

And I think you can

do that for Lexi, too.

Ohh.

- You okay, bro?

- I'm fine.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like you're fine.

Sucks that your dad sucks, huh?

What are you doing?

Why are you doing this?

- Who sent you?

- No one.

I Just trying to help,

and it seems like you're sad, so

- Thought you might want to talk.

- Fine.

Yes, my father sucks.

But he's always sucked.

I just can't stop thinking

about how terrible I was to Sam.

I mean, I said such

horrible things to her,

and it's just it's not like me.

I mean, you do that to me all the time.

Yes, because I don't care about you.

Yep. Just like that.

Look, I know that I

can be kind of harsh

and intense and attractive,

but Sam liked me anyway.

She was my best friend, and I ruined it.

And I'm sure this delights you.

I mean, now you have

her all to yourself.

I know that you dislike me.

I don't. I I don't dislike you.

I'm just

a little jealous of you sometimes.

That makes sense.

I'm sorry your dad did that to you.

You didn't deserve that.

- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

You're freaking me out. Go away.

And there she is.

Look, look.

I made some man in a skirt cry.

That's some high-level widowing.

I know.

Thank you.

And thank you for today.

My pleasure.

So what happened with your

girlfriend this weekend?

You never said.

She was in a bad mood after work,

so I figured I should leave her alone.

Did you ask her what was wrong?

Damn it.

This is why I need a magazine

list to tell me what women want.

I don't know, I think your instincts

are mostly pretty good.

Look, I didn't think I

could have fun without Monty

at these things, and

you showed me that I can.

You don't need a list to be a catch.

So should I delete it?

Okay, let's take a look.

- These are not all bad.

- Mm.

I think your girlfriend

would want you around

if you did number seven.

I do number seven all the time.

She says I'm fantastic at it.

I learned a lot of stuff

from a book by Kim Cattrall.

Suddenly I don't feel so

bad for your girlfriend.

Look at number 10.

Oh, now, that's some crazy.

Ah, hold on.

There you are.

Oh, please don't tell me you're so drunk

you think that this is an Uber.

I didn't tell Lexi off.

Yeah, that's probably for the best.

I just can't believe she said all those

awful things, you know?

I thought we were closer than that.

You know, when you were in

London and I had the kids,

she was the only one there for me.

Oh, I suck. I'm so sorry, Sam.

No, that is not about you.

You were off living your

life, and that was great.

It's just that I was here,

and I was overwhelmed,

and I didn't know what I was doing.

And Lexi is the one that

helped me really figure it out,

and I really leaned on her.

I think you're being hard on Lexi.

I know. Exactly, right? It's just

Wait, what?

She had some bad

moments today, for sure,

but she feels really bad,

and your friendship means a lot to her.

Okay, am I still

drunk, or are you saying

sort of nice things about Lexi?

Girl, I'm drunk.

I mean, that's the only

way to explain that.

No, I'm

It's not all on her.

You know, I haven't exactly been

looking for Lexi's good side.

I mean, maybe it's because

she doesn't show it to me,

but today I saw a sliver of it.

It was a very small sliver,

like when you go to a

super-b*mb sushi restaurant,

and the sushi chef cuts

that fish real thin,

that it's almost translucent.

You can see the rice

through it and the wasabi

Okay. No, I get it. I

get what you're saying.

I'm never gonna love Lexi,

but I am so grateful

that she was there for you

when I couldn't be.

Anyone who cares about you

this much can't be all that bad.

Wake up, kids, we got

the dreamers disease ♪

It's funny how the

simplest lessons in life

can seem so silly,

but we keep coming back

to them again and again

because they're so true.

Oh, thank you very much.

Help each other.

Be kind.

Share.

Even if life gets more

complicated as we get older,

if we feel left out or left behind,

one thing never changes.

Nell, we stole all the truffle

fries from Archie's Tater Shack.

- Get the ketchup.

- Oh, and a fork.

Our friends are always there

for us when we need them.

Thanks for all the

advice, Ham Hock and Terri.

Our pleasure.

And always remember to pee after sex.

Don't give up ♪

You got a reason to live ♪

Can't forget ♪

Hey, save some for me!

We only get what we give ♪

Hi, Nell.

Ham Hock?

I What are you

Wait, how are I pressed send.

- It's me Tina.

- Oh.

I read your obit about Terri Lawrence,

and it inspired me to

pull out my old Hock Sock.

Turns out, writing about

crime is so much more fun.

It's usually the husband.

Give me the pig.

Give me the pig, Tina.

Why are you so

No.

Wow.