02x01 - Not Owning It Yet

[bunniefuu]

"Teddy Thompson, Pasadena's

Number One Real Estate Agent.

Don't just dream it "

- Own it!

- "Own it."

That picture's plastered on

the side of every bus in town.

- Mm.

- Ironic that yesterday,

I got plastered on the front of one.

Ooh. Well, I will not use the

word "plastered" in your obituary.

Uh, "splattered"? Oh, I'll work on it.

So this is a real fixer-upper.

- When are you gonna fix it?

- Morning, Nell.

Haven't received your rent yet.

Also, there is something

aggressively stinking up

your side of the refrigerator.

Oh, sorry. I-I don't

have any more checks.

Or money.

And, um, that smell is a

combination of leftover soups

- from last week that I'm gonna have for lunch today.

- Gross.

Just make sure you remove your

Frankensoups from the apartment

on your way to work, which

is none of my business,

but I do think that should've

been like 20 minutes ago.

What? No. Damn it! [GROANS]

You're a renter?

I just don't think I can represent you.

When I d*ed, I was this close

to closing on a

ten-million-dollar listing.

I'm strictly in the luxury market.

What kind of property am I?

A condo near the airport

whose value is depreciating.

I am not depreciating!

[BELL CHIMES]

Sam!

- Ugh.

- Hi!

Sam, am I depreciating?

Oh, is this a skincare thing?

Because if so, I have

an off-brand retinol

that'll just burn an entire

layer off of your face by Monday.

Ooh. No. Uh, I mean metaphorically.

I'm afraid I might be

growing mold in my basement.

Oh, yeah, honey. I don't think

I have the cream for that.

I've been here for a year, you

know? Do they consider me an asset?

What? Of course they do.

You are smart, you are fun to be around,

and you are the only one strong

enough to lift the Sparkletts.

LEXI: Alright, people, listen up.

It's time for some housecleaning.

Now, my father, the owner

and publisher of this paper,

the reason you're all

alive, is coming here today,

and everything needs to be perfect.

I'm not stressed. You're not stressed.

Nobody's stressed. Alright?

So why don't we just all clear

our cubicles of any unprofessional

and non-news-related personal effects?

What is this? "Live, laugh, love"?

More like barf, barf, barf.

Sam, can I stash a couple

photos of the kids in here?

They're adorable and joyful,

everything Mr. Rhodes hates.

- Yeah, sure. Bring it in.

- [METAL CLANKING]

- Oh, my God.

- Dennis, you've been fostering for a couple of months.

How do you have so many pictures?

I just want to capture every moment.

Look at this. It's the first

day Ben and I brought them home.

- Very sweet.

- Yeah.

Oh, first time in the living room.

First time in the dining room.

First time in the hallway.

Okay, sweetheart, get it together,

okay? Parenting is not that great.

Sam, Dennis,

here are the binders you'll

need for the major presentation

I've prepared for my father.

Ooh. This is a chance for

you to increase your value.

- Ask for a binder.

- Can I have a binder?

Oh! Nell. Oh, you surprised me.

You're always lurking about

like a little church mouse.

What do you need a binder for?

I'd like to be in the meeting.

I have a decade of

journalistic experience.

I-I think I could bring

some value to the table.

Nell, over the past year,

I've come to know you as a friend to Sam

and also an acquaintance/employee to me.

So I don't want you to

take this the wrong way,

but it's just that

my father needs to see

the very best of the

paper, and you are, um

- The worst.

- Oh! Oh.

That wasn't very nice, Mason.

Ah. What a scamp. Come

on, A-Team. Let's go.

- Mason got a binder?

- I don't know. I'm so sorry.

♪♪

[BELL CHIMES]

♪♪

Good morning, everyone.

Great to see you again

if we've met before.

Wow. Nice shirt. We're

gonna buy you a mirror.

- I'll remove it, sir.

- Good call.

It's a pleasure to see you, Father.

Alexis, you're looking as

stern as your grandmother

more and more every day.

And you look wealthy, Father.

- Mm!

- Mm!

I'm excited you're here

to review the progress

of the crown jewel of the

Rhodes family corporate holdings.

I have put together a

thorough presentation

with some of my top people

and their giant binders.

They're They're very heavy.

No spoilers, but I'm

also excited to tell you

that circulation is up 3%.

Ah! 3%. Like the milk.

Yes.

[COUGHING]

Step away from my father's

array of special treats.

Sorry. These scones are so dry.

It's like eating a bath b*mb.

And who is that with the crumbs?

Oh, she's just the obituary writer.

She has no binder.

It's still in my throat.

You know, actually, she is the

one that I came here to see.

Did he say me?

You see, I've been reflecting

on my very important life lately,

and I think it's time to consider

what the world will read

about me when I'm gone.

Titan? Maverick?

Titan of all mavericks?

See, these are all words

used to describe me.

Of course. Accurate ones, at that.

Yeah. You know what?

Finish up whatever you're

doing with your mouth

and, uh, let's get to work, huh?

B-B-But Nell is one of our

more insignificant workers.

If you wanted to work with one

of our more significant people,

- uh, me is available.

- Ah. No need, darling.

I'm gonna talk to Mel.

Just talk to Mel, huh?

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

It is very nice to finally

meet you, Mr. Rhodes.

You have a lovely newspaper.

Ah. Well, it's nice to meet you as well.

And I haven't read your writing yet,

but judging from your hands,

you're a really hard worker.

Thanks. I have seasonal eczema.

Ah!

So let me ask you, how does this work?

Do I, uh, dictate to

you? Do I act out scenes?

Oh, uh, typically, you know,

I do some research, talk to loved ones.

Could you get that for me?

♪♪

Whoo!

Okay, so

Tell me what might be the first thing

you want people to know

about you when you're gone.

Wow. I'm really not good

off the top of my head.

In 1987, I acquired two

of the most dominant light-bulb

retail chains in America,

the Light Bulb Plus

and the Light Bulb Stop,

and I merged them

into Light Bulb Chalet.

Okay. That's pretty good.

And it cut 2,000 jobs nationwide.

I'm sure they all just

went back to school.

♪♪

What's that smell?

Oh. I remember you. You're

Nell's adult roommate.

You look even less

rugged in the daytime.

And you're Nell's

unapproachable, controlling boss.

Where'd you get your

suit, Nancy Reagan's grave?

No, but it is from her collection.

Has anyone ever told you you

resemble a stalk of asparagus?

You look like you've

eaten all the lemons.

You look like someone

who can't eat dairy

and loves to tell everyone about it.

You look like you want

to talk to my manager.

I'm waiting for my father. He's

here to spend the day with me.

Why are you here?

- Nell's leftovers.

- Ah.

Her cubicle is, um Oh,

it's somewhere over there.

It's the sticky one.

Good luck saving the grass or

whatever it is you care about.

Good luck with the w*r on dr*gs.

♪♪

Alright. So, how's it

reading? Is it hummin' yet?

Maybe not yet, but, you

know, trust the process.

Even with my story about how

I ended the minors' strike?

You understand, when I say

"minors," I mean children.

I got that.

Um, but as of now, it's sounding

a little less celebration of life

and a little more like

what a villain says to you

as they lower you into a volcano.

Well, see, that's that's no good.

T-this is my legacy.

This is how people

are gonna remember me.

So So what do I do?

J-Just be honest with me, Mel.

Okay. Y-you want me to be honest?

- My name is Nell.

- Mel.

Nell.

- Nell.

- Nell Nell!

Nell! Oh! [CHUCKLES]

You know, this is either the first time

that I've gotten someone's name wrong

or the first time that

someone's corrected me.

[CHUCKLES] Alright, tell me more.

Well, I find that people

connect most with the

- the simpler things.

- Ah.

You know, the struggles

someone overcomes.

Um, the good they've done.

Of course. The good

Well, that should be easy enough.

How do we put some

"good" in my obituary?

By being good.

- By being good.

- Yeah.

Of course. You know something?

This is the most

fascinating conversation

that I've had in my entire life.

Oh.

I want to keep talking. Come on.

- Okay.

- I'll tell you.

By being good. How do I not know that?

Lexi's dad thinks I'm fascinating.

Fascinating, he said. How's

that for increasing value?

Your neighborhood is on the come-up.

Get ready to pay $12 a latte, honey.

Ooh.

Are you ready for lunch, Father?

I am. I'm going with Nell.

Oh, and that's her name, everyone,

so let's stop saying it wrong.

Of course, if she'll have me, that is.

You know what?

Lunch sounds great to me, Mr. Rhodes.

Okay. Your driver or mine?

Uh, yours.

Mine.

♪♪

Very well.

Exactly how I planned and

wanted things to happen.

♪♪

Why are you still here? Shouldn't

you be milking an almond?

I couldn't find Nell's desk.

She's having lunch with

my father, which is fine.

Doesn't seem fine.

Seems like you actually have

some pretty serious daddy issues.

What do you know?

You look like a mop

with student-loan debt.

You look like you just

got fired from Sephora.

Hm.

Hm.

♪♪

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪♪

NELL: So, I've been thinking about this,

and there are some things that

you can do to be a better person

and have an impressive obituary.

For example, charity.

Oh. Yeah.

You know, I've given a lot of

money to charity over the years.

I even gave my entire

Malibu estate to my ex-wife.

Yeah. Didn't care for it.

Well, m-maybe you'd enjoy,

um, giving to charity

if you gave it to something you love.

- Like, um, name something you love.

- Money.

You want to donate

your money to money?

Yes. And how does one do that?

That finger better be telling me

how many bottles of wine

you want me to order,

or you're about to lose that hand.

I'm so sorry, Cricket.

Mr. Rhodes is Lexi's dad.

- That tracks.

- Ouch. Wow.

I've never had anyone

apologize for me before.

But I love it. Tell me what I did wrong.

So, when your server

approaches, you make eye contact,

greet them, say something nice.

- Alrighty.

- Mm-hmm.

Hello. I'd like to buy you a plane.

Well, no, that's too much.

That That was too far.

- Okay.

- Maybe something more relatable.

Got it. [CLEARS THROAT]

Yowza. You could do

Shakespeare off that balcony.

Mm. Ugh! Uh, sorry.

Never Never comment

on a woman's body.

But "body" and "plane"

are my two best moves.

You have to make someone feel

seen, you know, and appreciated.

What am I supposed to do,

compliment her on her shoes?

- Sure.

- Yeah.

Yeah, that seems safe. Give it a whirl.

I like your shoes.

- Thank you.

- Look at that.

- Really?

- Really.

- It It's that easy?

- Yeah.

It might not be building

a school for orphans,

but you just made a

normal human connection.

Thank you, Nell.

You're welcome, Mr. Rhodes.

Oh, congratulations, everybody.

And you owe me a plane.

♪♪

Please tell me there's more coffee.

It ain't fresh, but it does the trick.

Am I right?

Amen to that, right?

Wait. Why are you here?

I'm kind of on a break.

You don't work here.

Not on my break I don't.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I'm not

gonna move on from this.

- Why are you here?

- Uh, Sam!

Edward is here today

because he is my lawyer.

But he's an environmental lawyer.

Exactly. I'm currently in

litigation with a spruce.

But he is done and on his way out.

Yeah. Are you okay?

Are you sure today is the

best day to start suing trees?

Oh, it's like they say.

There's never a great

time to sue a tree.

[CHUCKLES] I'm fine, Sam.

Okay.

Be sure to sign the card

for Steve's birthday.

- You don't work here!

- Why are you still here?

I came for a cup of coffee

and to see if you wanted

me to hug you from behind

and navigate the belly button.

Are you referring to

earlier in the hallway,

when I pinned you against the wall,

kissed you hard, and you kissed me back?

It was nothing. Forget about it. I have.

- [MR. RHODES LAUGHING]

- I know that laugh.

I heard it once before, as a child.

I was roller-skating and fell.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What are they laughing

about? Is she even funny?

Have you heard her breakfast puns?

They are eggs-cellent.

I want to thank you for a

very enlightening day, Nell.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Rhodes.

Ah. Mr. Rhodes is my

cat. I named him after me.

Call me Duncan.

Thank you, Duncan.

I also had a really enlightening day.

And me.

You went from a tear-down

to a modern farmhouse in

a good school district.

You know, I don't use

the term "moxie" often

because, uh well, I don't want to.

- Huh.

- But I do have to say,

I think you've got it.

And I'm gonna be giving you a raise.

Really? Thank you, Mr. Rhodes.

Wow! I mean thank you, Duncan.

Dunkster?

- Too far.

- Duncan!

Alexis?

[GASPS] Yes, Father? D-Do you need me?

- I sure do.

- Oh.

I-In the sense that I need your office.

I just gave your Nell here a raise,

and we're gonna go

up there and celebrate

with scotch by the fire.

A mid-day libation. How lovely.

And I will see you up there in 10, okay?

Mm-hmm.

♪♪

[LAUGHING] You're not

gonna believe this.

Mr. Rhodes is totally obsessed with me,

and he values my opinion,

and he just gave me a raise!

What?! Are you joking me right now?

Oh, my gosh. We have to celebrate.

You so deserve this.

I smell a shopping trip to Neiman's!

Or maybe to Marshalls.

We're still in journalism, so

- Unh!

- Either way, I am so proud of you!

- Thank you!

- Oh.

And now, maybe that you have an in,

you could use that to get him

to give Lexi some attention.

You know, like, deep down,

I think she just really wants

some attention from her dad.

Mm, pass! No.

She's been a total jerk to me. No.

I'm gonna take that as a maybe, okay?

So you can think about it, because

I'm genuinely worried about her.

Every time I see her,

she looks like she's

falling apart more and more.

[DEEP VOICE] Hello.

She looks alright to me.

♪♪

[FIRE CRACKLING]

Mmm.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

That tastes like an expensive shoe.

You know, my doctor says

this is bad for my liver,

so I had him k*lled.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yes!

You're so bad it's illegal.

Oh, it's so weird relaxing in here.

I'm usually getting yelled

at by Lexi or insulted by Lexi

or just having insults

yelled at me by Lexi.

Ah, when you're a Rhodes,

you have a lot to live up to.

Yeah, I bet.

[SIGHS]

♪♪

You know, Duncan, I

I feel kind of bad for Lexi.

I think it's kind of driving her crazy

that you're ignoring

her for someone else.

Oh, it always does. Cheers.

Cheers.

Wait. No cheers.

What do you What do

you mean it always does?

Well, it's how I motivate her.

You see, whenever I

think she's slacking,

like when she's pleased about a

measly 3% increase in circulation,

I find someone who I

know gets under her skin

and I shower them with

praise and attention.

That just drives her to work

harder to win my affection.

Are you serious?

That's kinda terrible.

And effective.

One time, when she was underperforming

in boarding school, I

befriended her roommate, Sarah.

Spent Thanksgiving with her.

God, that kid was so boring.

Really into maps.

Anyway, Lexi, that year,

graduated at the top of her class.

So you were just using me

to manipulate your daughter?

Well, I knew you were perfect

when I saw how nauseated she looked

watching you choke down that scone.

[LAUGHS]

I feel nauseous.

[SIGHS]

I can't believe I was some

pawn in Duncan's weird game.

I obviously can't take that raise.

I'm always gonna be a

condo by the airport.

[SIGHS]

You know that ten-million-

dollar listing I had?

It had ocean views, wine

cellar, infinity pool.

I get it, Teddy Thompson. I get it.

But it also had termites,

a cracked chimney, and

a crumbling foundation.

When I saw that inspection report,

it felt like getting hit by a bus.

Because I was reading it on my phone

- when I got hit by a bus.

- Ouch.

The point is, it doesn't matter

how fancy you are on the outside

when your foundation is crumbling.

I can tell you've got a good foundation.

Do I, though?

I knew I was taking away

Lexi's dad's attention.

I didn't even care 'cause I was

so focused on feeling valued.

In your defense, you

were trying to teach him

- how to be a better person.

- Which I failed at, too.

I didn't get through to him at all.

He didn't even care about his obituary.

Maybe because he hasn't read it yet.

Or he can't read. One of the two.

"Duncan Wilson Rhodes was

a titan of the publishing,

vitamin, and light-bulb industries.

He was a wildly influential businessman

who lived a successful life

by any metric except for one

his relationships with

the people in his life."

- [PHONE CHIMES]

- Well, I've been out walking ♪

"He is survived by

Alexis, a former Olympian

and current editor of

the SoCal Independent.

Alexis particularly strived to attain

both her father's business

acumen and his affection.

While she succeeded in the former,

she never got the latter,

because Duncan's passing

came before he could realize

that it's not the business ledgers

that really tally the

worth of your life.

It's the value of the relationships

you have with others "

This one goes first

because I took it five

minutes before this one.

" and the impact we

have on those people.

Perhaps if Duncan had a

chance to do it all again,

he would have diversified

his emotional holdings."

♪♪

[LAPTOP CLOSES]

Hello, Father.

Alexis.

I want to apologize for Nell's obituary.

I would cut her pay, but she

already makes below a living wage.

Well, see what you can do.

Also, I've been

reviewing our financials,

and I think I can do much better

than 3% circulation increase.

I have some exciting ideas

I could e-mail to you.

Well, I knew you'd find a way.

Schedule some time with my secretary.

Alexis?

Yes.

I like your shoes.

♪♪

My shoes?

Yeah.

♪♪

Thank you.

I got them from a cobbler

near the palace in Vienna.

Er hat gute Arbeit geleistet.

Danke, Vati.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Ah.

- That was a wonderful trip.

- You remember that, huh?

- I do. Never had sauerkraut before.

- Or the bratwurst, right?

- [LAUGHING] Yes!

- You did that.

- We did that.

Thank you for reminding me of my value.

Well, as Teddy Thompson always says,

"Don't just dream it "

- Own it.

- " own it."

[CHUCKLES] Now can you

please finish my obituary?

This is the longest showing of my life.

♪♪

What is going on here?

Oh, this? Just some fond memories.

No, these are these are things

that Lexi took off everyone else's desk.

Yeah. This is Jeff's family.

They're my family now.

And this is my turkey drawing,

made with Dominic's son's

tiny little handprint.

Ah. Love the decor!

And you were a Navy Seal?

Thank you for your service.

You got it.

These items belong to

other people in the office.

She stole them.

Oh. Do-gooder over here.

Every office has one.

Try sitting across from her every day.

- Blah, blah, blah. Nobody's there.

- You are funny.

I know, right?

I'd like to take you to

lunch. What's your name?

- Tina!

- Wonderful!

Come on, Nina.

I It doesn't even matter.