02x02 - Not a Valentine Yet

[bunniefuu]

Edward, hey.

Wait, did you bring my garbage again?

Because I promise I separated recycling.

- Nope, this was delivered for you.

- Oh.

It was re-routed from several

of your previous addresses,

so regardless of any recycling

you may have done,

your carbon footprint

is sh*t this month.

You know, you could have

just left this in my room.

Yeah, it just seemed really important.

- Huh.

- But since I'm here now,

I could use some urgent advice on, um,

a delicate entanglement

I have found myself in.

Oh. Oh!

Uh, I recently had a hook up

of a physical nature,

and I was wondering

what the holiday protocol is

if I wanted to do that again.

Ooh, yeah, a casual hook up

right before Valentine's Day

is dicey. Hmm.

But, you know,

take a lesson from the mail.

- Just, uh

- Oh, huzzah.

be direct and handle with care.

- Ah, package jokes.

- Yeah!

- I'll pass on those.

- Fine.

But directly asking

for clarity seems nice.

As your roommate,

would you like some clarity

on what I've been up to sexually?

Oh, I'd actually prefer

an information blackout

- in that area.

- That's too bad.

I had a lot of surprising

details I wanted to share.

That's really gross,

and the fact that you came

all the way down here

to give those to me

Thanks, Nell. I'll see ya later.

Bye.

Ooh. What is this?

Oh, wait. Did you take an Ambien

and go buck-wild on QVC again?

This was sent

to my old apartment in London.

- London?

- Mm-hmm.

That was like three addresses ago.

Oh. Looks like a fancy Crock-Pot.

- Definitely Ambien.

- Mm-hmm.

Yep.

And it's engraved,

"Phillip and Nell forever."

Oh, my God. This was

from my wedding registry.

On Valentine's Day?

Ouchie mama.

You okay, babe?

Yeah. I mean, it was, uh

it was like over a year ago.

It's just some silly appliance.

Nell, I know you're having

a little emotional turmoil

about your failed love life,

but do you think that Crock-Pot

would be free tonight?

- Um

- I have a mean recipe

for edible body paint,

and my guy is just six quarts. Move!

Tina!

Hands off my Crock.

2x02 - Not A Valentine Yet

Can I stash this in here?

I got to hide it from Tina.

I don't like the way

she's looking at it.

And what is happening here?

Oh, you know, just trying

to save my marriage

from the seven-year curse.

I think it's the seven-year itch.

Not according to my mother.

You know, she swears

that every seven years,

every single cell

in your body fully regenerates,

which means come year seven,

you and your partner

can no longer be compatible

because you've actually become

entirely different people.

Your mom also doesn't

believe in parallel parking.

Yeah, you know how disconnected

Keith and I have been since he's

been working in San Francisco?

Anyway, tonight, he's

coming home for Valentine's,

so which one of these is going

to reverse the curse, okay?

Oh, both of those together

smell like broccoli.

Pick a lane, baby.

- [Sighs]

- Oh. [Purrs]

So, what are you up to tonight?

You know, I abandoned

that mini over there

if you want to take it for a whirl.

I don't want to get stew on that,

seeing as me and my Crock

got a hot date.

Nell, you got to put yourself out there.

You can't let some dumb

appliance hold you back.

It is not holding me back.

Then what is?

Well

Beautiful smile.

You have to stop using it.

I need you to check my will.

You gonna hit that?

m*rder*r.

Felon.

Double m*rder*r.

Double?

Going down?

Not for nothin',

but syphilis is on the rise.

Things are just a little

bit complicated for me.

All right. I just don't want you

to close yourself off

to the possibility.

Okay, fine. Sure.

I won't close myself off.

- [Coughs]

- I was just

In my open mouth?!

Hello, hello.

Oh, hi. What are you doing here?

Well, the express purpose of my visit

was to gauge your interest in revisiting

my physical body.

Hmm. Fantastic offer.

I enjoyed it fully.

Um, I think it would probably be best

for that to be a one-time thing

that happened three and a half times.

Well, thank you for being so direct.

Ah. It's my pleasure.

I guess this will be the last

time our physical bodies touch.

Enjoy it, toots.

Alexis, would you be a doll

and clear a path?

My chair is 100% reindeer leather.

What is all this?

Given the state of your personal life,

not to mention

the state of this paper

which I think we would

both agree are caca

Either way, I thought I would,

uh, hang out here a while

and take my office back.

Not sure what this is, but it's yours.

You do own the paper.

And what is the status

of your separation with Tanner?

Because his name

is on several of our estates,

and I might have used his name

to refinance my yacht.

So if there's gonna be a divorce,

we got to get our ducks in a row, huh?

Ah, I see. Well, I would love

to discuss the status

of my love life which I have

a very firm grasp on,

I promise you that

but unfortunately,

I'm urgently needed downstairs

to do some Zooming,

some Google Meet up-ing,

various phone callings, timing

people's bathroom breaks

Go get 'em, kiddo!

[Edward clears throat]

I-I think I need

a key card or something.

The elevator won't move.

What is this?

It's a pineapple.

Oh. [Chuckles]

[Smooches]

Aw.

Okay, enough already. I

Hey, uh Ah

"Love muffin" special.

Yeah, I'll have one of those.

Probably the only love muffin

I'm getting today.

Am I right? [Chuckles]

Uh, sorry, we just sold our last one.

Of course you did. Right.

[Sighs]

I don't mind sharing.

- Yeah?

- I mean, I think a love muffin

is meant to be shared anyway, right?

Yeah, well, I mean, who am I

to deny your love muffin?

Here, just

That is so very sweet of you.

Um, I feel like I owe you a coffee

or some packets of sugar.

Or I have the last table here,

and you could join me?

Unless, of course, you have

big Valentine's Day plans.

No. No, nope. Nope.

I am as free as a bird.

- Andrés.

- Nell.

I'll, uh, go wipe the bird poop

off our table, Nell.

Thank you, Andrés.

[Sniffs]

- Whew! Hey, stinky.

- What?!

Wow, you smell like

a Portland bookstore.

I actually kind of like it. Anyway,

- I have your next assignment.

- No Oh, wait, no, no, no,

can you No Uh, just don't

give me an obituary, please.

Yeah, I got a thing

that's kind of developing.

I think you're gonna

like this one. Trust me.

Oh, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no

- A-A-And sent.

- [Groans]

- Senator Diana Fernandez.

- Mm-hmm.

She's the one who tweeted out

her email password.

I was busy filibustering

to protect women's healthcare.

I'm also supposed to learn

how to use Twitter?

All right. If you need me,

which you will not,

my phone is off for the next 12 hours.

Great. [Chuckles]

Oh, hey. Lovely to meet you, Diana.

I'm a really big fan, huge fan.

So, um can't wait

to write your obituary.

Uh, however, since it's Valentine's Day,

I was just hoping that maybe

you'd take a back seat today,

because I met a total "shnack."

[Both laugh]

- How fun.

- Mm-hmm.

Who is he?

That hottie right over there. Mm.

That's my son!

[Bleep]

ANDRÉS: It's so crazy

that you're the person

I was coming to see

about my mom's obituary.

- I can't believe that.

- NELL: I can.

Yeah, it just seems to be

my kind of luck, I guess.

So, I was going through

all of my mom's things,

and I found a bunch of letters

between her

and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

And I thought, you know,

maybe the paper could

do something with them.

You know, she always said,

BOTH: "Newspapers are

the cornerstone of democracy."

[Laughs]

Yeah, I'm I'm sure we would love

to run excerpts of your mom's letters.

Yeah? So

Hey, uh, I know we just met,

but I'm a painter, and I have

this gallery opening tonight

that I probably should have cancelled,

but my mom was such

a big supporter of mine,

I thought I'd keep it in her honor.

I was wondering if you'd want to come.

We could continue this.

- I would love to.

- Ooh, we're all gonna hang out!

Exciting!

But I can't tonight. Um

I-I thought you said you were free.

I was. It's just, I had this, um,

situation come up

that I have to take care of.

It'll just take me like two

or three days to clear it up.

I'm I'm so sorry.

I-I completely misread this.

Oh, wait, no, I'm sor

No, no, no. You didn't.

You read great.

I get it. I came off

too strong, too fast.

- I was just thinking that

- I've also got a lot of stuff going on.

- Right, I get that

- It's okay.

- It was nice to meet you.

- Oh, okay.

[Sighs] I blew it.

Wow. You really did.

Ah. Well, that was supremely satisfying.

Indeed.

I'm still getting a little bit

of mixed messages, though.

- I would love if we could talk.

- [Door opens]

Father! What are you doing down here?

Looking for you, actually.

What are you doing in the storage

Who is this? Does he work for me?

Seems like he makes sandwiches.

- Do you make the sandwiches?

- I could make some sandwiches.

No, no, no, no.

This is, uh, my lawyer, Edward.

Edward

- Edward.

- Edward Edward, huh?

Bet you're used to being tall.

Till today.

Is that all natural,

or are you wearing lifts?

I don't even have an insole.

Okay, well, this was

wonderfully enlightening,

but Edward was just leaving.

Oh, no, why? This is your lawyer.

We can discuss our estate

vis-a-vis your separation from Tanner.

That's not exactly

his area of expertise.

He's more of a-a tree lawyer.

- A what, now?

- The environment, the earth,

saving it, do-gooder, that kind

of thing. Bleeding heart.

- You lost me.

- Doesn't matter

I'd like to stick around.

I'd like to help us all

find a little bit of clarity,

legally speaking.

Ah, fantastic. [Chuckles dryly]

Sam.

Hey. What are you doing here?

I thought you and Keith

had fancy plans tonight.

[Scoffs] Uh, yeah, we did.

- Oh.

- But then he missed his flight,

so we missed our dinner reservation,

which is kind of problematic

because every restaurant

in town is booked,

but he says he's going

to catch the next flight,

which is totally fine, because

I'm sure it's got nothing to do

with the seven-year curse.

Uh, excuse me. Are you using this chair?

Are you using your face?

Of course I'm using this chair.

For my husband.

Who I love just as much now

as the day we were wed.

I'm gonna get you some more wine.

- Oh, thank you!

- Yeah.

NELL: Cricket!

- Hey, you!

- Hey.

Aw, I was hoping

I wouldn't see you tonight.

- What?

- It's Valentine's.

I thought that we could

throw some cheese in here,

you know, make some special

romantic fondue, just us gals.

This is sad. And I'm the dead one?

NELL: I know it must be hard for you,

as your first Valentine's Day

without Monty and all.

- Actually, I'm about to get some.

- Oh?

Look what's happening at my counter.

I've got a silver streak.

Nell, I love that

you're putting me first,

but I would hope that if there

was a hot man interested in you,

that you would choose him

over me and fondue.

Exactly, like my son, who, by the way,

got a 1500 on his SATs

and has never broken a bone.

I actually did meet a cute guy today.

We really connected.

Then why are you here?

His mother just d*ed,

and it just kind of feels like

she's still around.

Nell, life is always

gonna be complicated.

You just have to go for it anyway.

You're right.

You're right. No more excuses.

He invited me to his art show

tonight, and I'm gonna go.

- Good for you!

- Yeah.

All right.

That's the spirit!

Now, ditch that blazer

and show some skin.

Do you bake? Andrés loves banana bread.

He says he loves walnuts,

but he really doesn't.

Actually, I had a thought.

Why don't you wait outside,

you know? Or Or maybe

you can just go, like, uh,

hang out in the ether for a little bit,

and you and I can catch up, uh, after.

As the senator from California,

I am reclaiming my time,

and I demand to spend it

with you and my son.

Diana, I'm sorry, but I can't

let talking to ghosts stop me

from living my life, okay?

I'm gonna write your obituary,

and it's not gonna be my best work,

- but I'm just gonna

- Nell!

I know I'm a lot, and I don't

want to be a third wheel

but I'm his mother,

and if the two of you are meant to be,

this will be my only opportunity

to see the two of you together.

Okay.

CRICKET: [Chuckles] Okay.

Can I ask you something, Cricket?

- Mm-hmm?

- Did you ever worry about

the romance with you and Monty?

I mean, you guys were together

for more than seven years, right?

- Sam.

- Yeah?

I'm talking to someone.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- It's okay, baby. It's okay.

You have absolutely no context

for this conversation.

So Monty was her late husband,

the most amazing man,

like, absolute love of her life.

You're not eating your charcuterie.

Is there a reason for that?

I didn't think you were coming.

Oh, I was just in my head earlier.

Yeah, I

I don't want to say no

to things anymore, you know?

From now on, I want to say yes

in my life.

- I like that.

- Mm.

You know, ever since

my mom d*ed, it's really hit me

- how short life is.

- Ah.

I don't want to waste

a second of it, either.

So, we're both saying yes?

Yes.

Is now a bad time

to ask for a small favor?

- Do you want to see my new piece?

- Yeah.

- It's a portrait I did of my mom.

- Oh.

- Give me one second.

- Mm-hmm.

Fine, but you need to hurry up and go.

Tell him he's a bad artist and

I lied to him his entire life

and I love him and his art is no bueno.

- What?!

- People only bought his portraits

to get a meeting with a senator.

I tried telling him while I was alive,

but the timing was never right.

You need to tell him, Nell, now.

Uh

Voilà.

Oh.

Oh, and he can't do eyes.

[Chuckles]

[Gasps]

This might be a little weird,

but in the spirit of saying yes,

I feel inspired to sketch you right now.

Oh, it We can just hang, you know,

and look at each other.

I'm gonna go grab my sketchbook.

Okay.

- Well?

- All this time,

you were acting like we would

make such a cute couple,

but really, you just wanted me

to do your dirty work?

Uh, you really are a politician.

Fine, yes, I might have

manipulated you a little bit.

But this is my biggest regret in life,

and you're my only hope

to make it right.

No! No, I'm not going to be doing this.

I'm not going to do this. No.

I'm supposed to be living life for me.

[Sighs]

- Oh.

- You ready for me to sketch you?

- Absolutely.

- Great.

Uh, I'm just gonna start with your eyes.

So, I like to begin all mediations

with a moment of acknowledgement

for Mother Earth.

She is the real negotiator,

the litigator of the sun,

- the air

- Are we paying him by the hour?

Why don't we just get down

to brass tacks?

Alexis, what is the status

of you and Tanner?

Because I'd like to get a jump

on photoshopping him

out of the family Christmas photo.

Uh, it's hard to speak

to that at the moment.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret

that I learned six times

over four marriages.

When you're hungry for dessert,

it means you're done with dinner.

Well, I have gone out

for a fro-yo once or twice.

And what is your future

with this Fro-Yo?

I think we could all use

a little bit of clarity

on the Fro-Yo situation.

I don't know.

This is complicated.

I-I'm trying to figure out my marriage,

raise my daughter, run a business,

and not show a shred of emotion at work,

just like you taught me, and it's

a lot.

I-I need some time.

Well, time is money, Lexi,

and it's my money, and I

- Objection!

- Excuse me?

- You're badgering the daughter.

- Is that a thing?

If she needs more time,

this line of questioning

could lead to emotional damages,

which you would be liable for.

Listen, let me draw up

some legal provisions.

I assure you, Mr. Rhodes,

anything she does with Tanner,

your assets will be safe.

In the meantime, if she wants

to go out for fro-yo,

I'm sure she'll figure out

a way to get some.

Fine. I suppose that works.

Thank you, Edward. You're

a very thoughtful and sweet

lawyer.

Your earth stuff is a little weird.

It is weird.

You know, I-I love that pose,

but you're still in profile,

and I want to start with your eyes.

Mm.

- [Clears throat]

- Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry

you see dead people, Nell.

That's really weird.

But maybe you see us for a reason.

And maybe that reason

is to help people like my son.

I mean, look around, Nell.

There's no one here.

He's gonna blame himself forever.

Hey, is everything okay?

Listen.

Oh, I am so touched that you

would want to sketch me, and

you are so kind

- and your face looks that way.

- [Chuckles]

I just don't think

anybody's ever told you

that there's something weird going on

with the eyes in your paintings.

And because your mom's a senator,

that's why they bought your work.

Oh, God, he's gonna cry.

He's such an adorable crier.

Oh, I can't look.

You're so right. I'm I suck at eyes.

- You know?

- You know?

Yeah, of course I know. I have eyes.

I just can't paint eyes.

It's my mom.

She was so intent on me being an artist.

She sacrificed so much for me,

I just wanted to do

the same for her, but

my heart's just not in it.

Tell him I'm sorry

I pushed this so hard.

You know, if I can guess, I

I think she would just want you

to do whatever truly makes you happy.

- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

You know you're actually

the first person

who had the courage

to tell me the truth?

I think that's why I was

so drawn to you today.

You're also incredibly gorgeous.

I mean, have you seen yourself?

So sorry.

One last thing before you kiss.

Could you just tuck in that curl?

It keeps popping out.

[Sighs]

My mom used to do that.

Mm.

Oh, man, grief is an odd thing, huh?

Just comes and goes

in these giant waves.

I really miss her.

I miss you, too, honey.

If Diana were here, she would tell you

what a great son you are.

And as handsome as you are,

I think I need to give you

some space, you know,

so you can process everything.

Yeah, I'm I'm sorry.

Hey, when I figure things out

and get my life together, would you

maybe want to see each other

again sometime?

I'd really like that.

Um, I should probably

let the bartender go home.

Right.

[Sighs]

- SAM: Oh.

- NELL: Might I interest you

in some Crock-Pot fondue?

That is a lot of cheese.

Yeah. [Sighs] Cricket called.

Yeah, well, he missed

the last flight out.

I am telling you,

the seven-year curse is real.

- CRICKET: Sam.

- Mm-hmm.

I've been married twice,

and I've been in love a couple of times.

And one thing I know for sure

is there is no seven-year curse.

Relationships are up and down.

What matters most

is that you keep getting up

and you keep trying.

I'll cheers to that.

To not being afraid to keep trying.

Here, here.

Oh, this is a hoot.

Reminds me of when me and RBG

used to share a glass of Chard.

We got turnt.

I totally forgot

to do something, if you just

- give me one minute.

- Oh

- [Sighs]

- [Both laugh]

This wine, I feel like

- you gave me the good stuff.

- Love this vintage bottle

that I know you pulled out from the back

because I saw you, and it's

the only one you're drinking.

- That's right.

- Because you

- Mmm.

- It actually smells pretty good.

That's because the edible body paint

is three parts chocolate

to one part shortening.

You got to make it glide

to maximize the sensuality.

- Mm.

- How do you know this woman?

- She works next to me.

- It has to be very viscous,

if you know what I mean.

Tina, I don't like that you

winked at me when you said that.

Unh-unh. That's a wrap

on Valentine's Day.

Tina, you a freak.

Thank you.