01x08 - Not So Easy Riders

[bunniefuu]

[whistles]

[quacks]

Come to Papa, Georgie boy!

You're mine, all mine.
[grunts]

[screaming]

[groans]

[panting]

[screams]

[brakes screeching]

[groans]

Finally.

A dollar!

How cute.

[groaning]

[tires squealing]

[door opening]

Bluebell Troop 47 tried to cash

the check you wrote
for those cookies?

Just chasing
that almighty dollar, Corny.

I tell you,
it's getting to where

the only way you can get ahead
in this country

is by having
some incredible idea

or seeing an opportunity
where no one else sees one

or working your tail off
dawn to dusk day after day

until people start paying you
for your efforts.

Those aren't the principles
this nation was built on!

Actually, those are
the principles

this nation was built on.

Oh. Well, it's time someone
made it work better, then.

Took on the system,
stood his ground

no matter what the cost,

and I'm just the duck to do it.

You got a letter
from the IRS.

I'm out of here.

Forward my magazines

to that PO box in Rio.

Duckman, you can't
hide from the IRS.

They're everywhere, see?

[phone ringing]

Ah! That could be them now.

[with foreign accent]:
Hello?

No. Mr. Duckman, he no here.

I'm Mufafu,
exchange student from Cameroon.

Maybe you
should open
the letter.

Might not be
anything bad.

Yeah, you're right.

It could be an IRS party.

Ahh! I'm in trouble, Corny.

It says they want me to come in,
talk to an Agent Dennehy.

Something
about unpaid taxes.

Just out of curiosity,
when was the last time
you paid your taxes?

* Disco boy *

* You're a disco king *

* On the disco thing... *

Okay, so I took an extension.

[man screaming]

[tires squealing]

DUCKMAN:
Look, maybe I made
a mistake or two,

but I'm still a citizen,

and the IRS is still
an agency of mygovernment.

I'm sure they'll deal with me

in a fair, reasonable
and compassionate manner.

I don't give a damn

what your excuse is!

"Aw, my wife needed
an emergency operation,

"and we had to fly to Taiwan
for the kidney.

"But on the way back,
my plane crashed in the ocean,

"and I had to swim
with my tax documents

in the bag in my teeth
for the whole 78 miles."

But it's true.

So what if it's true?

You smudged the receipts.

[man crying]

In-laws.

Next.

[Duckman gulps]

Hi. Mufafu think
you have beautiful country.

DUCKMAN:
Yes, well,

Agent Menehy, Agent Benehy,
Agent Dennehy,

I won't take up
your morning.

You're such
a busy man,

nailing much, much, much,
much, much, much, much,

much bigger fish than me.

[screams]

He's here--
it's Duckman.

What nerve.
Oh.

Worthless, amoral scum like you
make me want to puke,

to blow chunks,

to heave my guts
right here on
the carpet.

You know, when I'm sick,

I find that a good
old-fashioned tummy rub...

Give me a reason.

I work and sl*ve

to protect John Q. Public
from scam artists like you,

and what does it get me?

Do I get any satisfaction
at all?

Oh, sure, occasionally, I get
a little peppy in my questioning

and then it's
"civil rights" this

and "cruel and unusual" that.

[nervous
gulp]

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

It seems you owe us some unpaid

taxes, Duckman.

Well...
[nervous laugh]

at least it can't be
a whole lot. I mean,

how much could I
possibly owe?

[Duckman screaming]

$29,587.42!

He gave you 24 hours
to repay it.

Oh! Why didn't you say so?



Well, let's see.

I earn $30,000 a day.

DUCKMAN:
So... hey, you're right.

My worries are over.

Let's go shopping.

You're aware that
while it affords one

the momentary illusion
of satisfaction,

the spewing of bile
is never a permanent solution?

I don't have that kind of money.

I have closer
to, uh... none.

Wait a minute.
There is one place I can turn--

my family.
Once I explain my situation

they'll jump at the chance
to do what they can.

* Duckman's going to jail. *

* Duckman's going to jail. *

Bernice,

I'm in real trouble here.

You've got
some extra money, right?

* I've got 50,000 *

* Dollars in the bank *

* You're not getting any *

* Other men will r*pe you. *

Fine. Be that way.

I'll work my charm
on someone else,

you lycra-clad,
cauldron-stirring,

cackling old warthog!

You sure?

[door slams]

And then winter came

and the snow was thick and cold.

And who do you think
was hungry as could be?

The grasshopper.

We can't hear you.

The grasshopper!

That's right. He froze to death
on the ant's porch

because he hadn't saved
his money.

All right, enough.
I've had it.

If I wanted a lecture

about money, I could have waited
till Sunday

and stolen
from the collection plate again.

I never really did that.

I was just getting change
for my dollar.

Look, boys, you still
haven't answered my question.

Can you give me the money?

Of course we can.

You can!

Yee-ha! Yippee!

But we won't.

Yippee! Yi... huh?

If we gave you
the money,

we'd deprive you
of the rare opportunity

to learn firsthand the value
of responsibility and frugality.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing!

To think in my time of need,
I'm turned away by my only sons

who I love with all my...

Dad, we're not
your only sons.

Catch you later.

[pounding on door]

You never know.

Maybe Ajax is more resourceful
than we realize.

He might have figured out a way
to put a little money aside.

[pulling door]
Ow!

[pulling door]
Ow!

[pulling door]
Ow!

Step away from the door, son,

then pull.

Thanks, Dad. You know,
I think I might be ready

to tackle that whole
right and left thing next.

[horn honks]

[distant siren wailing]

[belching]

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

You know you're not
supposed to donate blood

more than once
every two months.

I'm a bunny rabbit.

Duckman, it's me.

Auntie Em?

Of course
I'm an excellent driver.

DUCKMAN:
What am I going to do, Corny?

It's due today,
and I don't have the money.

And I've tried everything
I can possibly try to get it.

Well, everything
I want to try.

BERNICE:
Duckman,

I believe you've met

these normally deskbound but
somehow still virile gentlemen

from the IRS.

Yeah.
Yes... yes, I have.

Hal, isn't it?

Hank.
Hank, of course.

My mother's name was Hank.

Listen, Hank,
about that little money matter--

just a teensy little
indulgence--

I'd say six more years,
a small business loan,

favorable interest rates

and a handful
of repeat customers,

and we'll be well
on our way...

Hands to the sky, Duckbreath.

There's a cavity search
with your name on it.

Seems like such a waste
to go to jail

just for tax
evasion.

DUCKMAN:
They're good, Corny.

We've only been fugitives
for ten minutes.

How come you're running?

You'd give up everything
and go on the road
just to be with me?

The notion
of civil disobedience,

of striking a blow
against Big Brother

has renewed the rebellious youth
in me,

taking me back
to a time in my life

when I had morals
that couldn't be swayed,

ideals that couldn't
be corrupted

and a sense of self that
couldn't be compromised.

And last year I tried
to write off my HBO bill.

[whirring and clattering]

[groaning]

Hey!

There's the delinquent duck!

Whoa!

Watch it, jerk!

Who you calling jerk--

you long-haired,
fat-bellied, goofy-tattooed

'60's throwback Village People
wannabe biker freak?

[glass breaks]

[g*n cocks]

[nervous chuckle]

Did... d-did I mention
that I-I'm a biker?

Yeah, got the old Schwinn parked
right out front. Yeah.

["Tequila" plays]

Duckman,
maybe you should

try distracting
them by doing

what Pee-wee Jerman
did in that movie.

First of all, I don't think
it's appropriate.

Second, I'm not
really in the mood.

Not that movie,
the movie he starred in.

Oh! I knew that.

[glass breaks]
Uh...

Tequila.

[spitting]

Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait a minute, fellas.

Shouldn't you be out revving
your engines really loud

while people
are trying to sleep

or weaving in and out of traffic

with complete disregard
for the safety of others

or b*ating up hippies
at a free rock concert?

I mean, I've got enough problems

running from the IRS
'cause I don't pay my taxes

without you guys
tying me up

and making me squeal like a pig.

No offense, Corny.

Wait a minute
What did you say?

Squeal like a pig.
It's a crude reference

to the scene in Deliverance
where they...

ALL:
He's a tax evader.

What are you going to do to me?

There's only one way
you're getting
out of here--

with our help.

* *

Ah... eh... ooh!

[crickets chirping]

[chirping louder]

[chirping stops]

Sorry. Just trying
to add some atmosphere.

You know, Corny, I kind of like
lying out here-- open air,

a bed of pine needles,
communing with nature.

There's a tiny spider
on your neck.

Where?! Get it off!
Get it off!

Wild guess-- you never
made it to Eagle Scout.

Nah. Never had time
for that sissy stuff.

All I ever wanted to be
as a kid was a millionaire.

Did I ever tell you
my dad's last words to me?

Mm-hmm-- "Careful, son,
I don't think the safety's on."

Before that!

He said, "Duckboy,
you live in a country

"that doesn't value kindness,
hard work or intelligence,

"but rewards people for lying,
cheating and backstabbing.

Take advantage of that."

[sniffling]

God, I miss the old guy.

Makes me think
about my own kids.

I wish I could see them.

They must be miserable
without me.

Sounds like,
um, puppet.

Satan?
AJAX:
Lassie?

ALL:
The Muppets Take Manhattan!

[raucous laughter]

We never had
fun like this

with, uh, uh, uh,
what's his name?

Dad.

When Dad's around.

So, Hank, how long

you rugged protectors
of the people

gonna be creating
a manly presence

in our modest, yet-comfortable-
even-for-your-size home?

Until Duckman calls
and we can trace it.

Could be several days

and, of course,
several nights.

[seductively]:
Mm-hmm. Mmm.

[engine sputtering]

[yelling]

[engine dying]

[metal clanging]

That cheap American-made
piece of buffalo droppings!

What's wrong with this thing?

You bought those fuzzy dice
instead of gas.

[engine roaring]

[tires squealing]

Well, I'll be.

Are you Cornfed Pig?

Johnny MacDougle?

U.S. hurdling team,
'84 Olympics?

It's me, Corny--

only I've changed
my name to "Harmony."

I live on a commune
a few miles down the road.

Hop in. I'll give
you guys a lift.

All aboard
the Flako Express.

* Wa, wa, wa, wa. *

* La, la, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la, la, la... *

I'll take "rock stars who choked
on their own vomit" for 40, Bob.

The commune operates on
a clothing optional basis.

We feel that clothes
are merely chains

by which we're fettered
to the system.

Hey, no skin off my bill.

I was born naked,

but my partner here
is kind of modest.

Am not.

Nakedness
liberates the spirit

and breaks down
the barriers.

You see, here on the commune,
we all love each other.

What time does that start?

Whaa!

Whoa!

[groaning]

DUCKMAN: I can't believe
they shared their girlfriends
with us, Corny.

I just spent the night with
the sexiest, most insatiable,

voluptuous, adventurous,

least inhibited woman
I've ever met.

If she didn't suddenly get
a headache, whoo-hoo!

there's no telling
what wild and tawdry escapades

we might have experienced.

How was your night?

Like yours
minus the headache.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh! Thank God you called.

We've been so worried.

[whispering]:
It's him.

How are you?

BERNICE:
Uh-huh?

Uh-huh.

My God! How do you
get your pants on?

I mean stretch out
the phone call.

Oh, of course. Ahem.

So, uh, Duckman,
[laughs]

read any good books lately?

BERNICE [on phone]:
Uh, well, what's that one about?

Ugh! With her own sisters?

Oh, my God!

Of course the boys

miss you like crazy.

Hang on. I'll put them on.

Boys, it's your father!

[boys imitating g*nf*re]

Bang! Gotcha!

DUCKMAN:
No, no, no, don't wake them.

Just tell them... well,
tell them that I love them,

and I'll be home
as soon as I can.

Take care, Bernice.

Got him.

Water! Water!

Water, water.

I guess I shouldn't
have left the bikes unattended

with the keys still in them

when we stopped for food
by that chain g*ng.

Hindsight's always 20/20.

[native drumming]

[power dies]

Damn eight-track!

Thirsty?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Me, too. Wishum I had water.

Only kidding.

You like Indian sense of humor?

[horse neighing]

I ride many suns, many moons.

Horse die. Had to stop.

Bought new horse.

Bought additional
insurance package,

although big rip-off.

Will know better next time.

But wait, only so much water.

You not drink all.

[slurping]

Ah!

Thanks loads. Anything else?

Food! Food, food, food!
What you got to eat?

Hmm...

Here. Ancient medicine.

Guaranteed to take
appetite away.

What a pair of maroons.

Wow, Corny, he wasn't kidding
about this stuff. I'm dizzy.

Things are looking different.

How long has your skin
been transparent?

Sounds like it's having
a hallucinogenic effect--

not like a drug,
which is harmful and wrong

and just say no, kids--

but spacey nonetheless.

[mellow psychedelic rock
playing]

Cornfed, I had a vision.

Every evil has been the result
of insane, selfish greed.

Well, duh!

It's not about money and power

and material possessions.

For the first time in my life,
I feel truly free

and in touch with the universe.

Everything is one:

the sky, the soil, this rock
and me.

Cornfed, from now on,

I'll live my life
in peace and harmony

with all the little critters
of the world.

[cackles]

[chopper blades whirring]

This is the IRS!

Throw out your wallets
and surrender.

What? Oh.

Don't move.
Henderson lost a contact.

Oh, look at them.

Aren't they beautiful?

I'm going to talk
to them, Cornfed.

The power of truth
is stronger than any government.

I'm sure they'll see
the error of their ways.

[screaming]

[screaming]

Hold this and don't move.

AGENT DENNEHY:
Where did they go?

There's nothing down there
but a couple of trees.

Cupcake, Pound Cake, Bundt Cake,
this is Betty Crocker.

The Soufflé has fallen.

Return to kitchen.

This isn't over, Duckman.

That was close.
We need to lay low.

I saw some telephone poles.

We'll just follow the lines till
we come to the next town.

With any luck, it'll be some
little fly speck on the map

that the IRS
never even heard of.

DUCKMAN:
Oh, look at this pagan shrine
to excess and greed.

It's sad to see people
waste away their lives

in a place like this.

Hey, isn't that the guy
who owes over 29,000

in back taxes?

Yeah. who'd be stupid enough
to come to an IRS convention

if he owed
that much money?

[both laugh]

Hey!

You could have picked
a nail polish

that went
with your top.

Just try not to call any more
attention to yourself.

I'll go win us our freedom.

Money won't make you free!
[door closes]

Fight the system!

Liberate yourself.

Whoo-hoo!

Play it.
Papa needs a new set of pumps.

Seven! A winner!

Back it up. Press the six,




if you tell me
where you got the lace camisole.

Mmm, a gum ball.

How fortuitous.

Charles, Mambo, Ajax!

What are you doing here?

I missed you guys.

Hi, Dad.
Nice dress.

Dad's here?

You came all the way here

to find me.

I never thought
you'd be so concerned.

We're not,
you cross-dressing sewer rat.

Agent Dennehy invited us
to the convention.

And by the way,
you look awful in fuchsia.

Well, well, Duckman.

This is a bigger jackpot
than I could've hoped for.

Do with me what you will,

for it matters not
where I end up.

I need only myself
and my beliefs to be free.

Whoa!

Who'd have thought

he's a man of principle?

Or a woman.

Save it, duck feathers.

You're off to
the big pond.

Not so fast, Dennehy.

CORNFED:
I've got the money
Duckman owes.

Here it is.



And here's the tax
on my HBO write-off.

What are you talking about?

Uh, nothing.

I think I'll get back
to the table

while the dice are hot.

Come on!
Let's go watch.

Well, aren't you coming home,
Dad?

Guess you're
free to go, Duckman.

But it's only
a matter of time

before you abuse the accelerated
depreciation tax.

Your kind always does.

Ooh, wait for me, Hank!

We can't let a paid-for
hotel room go to waste.

Wait a minute. Come back!

I'd rather go to jail
than buy my way out.

Don't you people understand?

I'm not beholden to money
anymore.

Greed and material possessions
mean nothing to me.

I'll never again
compromise my ideals

in the name
of the almighty dollar.

Pardon me, miss.

I find you irresistible.

I'll give you a million dollars
to sleep with me.