01x11 - American Dicks

[bunniefuu]

[wolf whistles]

[quacks]

[gasps]

[woman gasps]

[animals braying
and squawking]

[grunts]

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to this week's
special episode

of American Dicks.

As you know, detectives

profiled in this program
have solved 99 cases in a row--

a perfect record achieved
with only a minimal amount

of altered facts,
network-funded bribery

and threats of bodily harm

to friends and families
of the suspects.

Tonight, then,
we attempt to solve

our 100th case in a row.

Unfortunately, a detectives'
strike is sweeping the nation

and we've been able to find
only one detective

who was seduced enough by the
potential notoriety to scab.

DUCKMAN:
Fluffy, Uranus, where
the [bleep] is my coffee?

Don't you [bleep] realize
I want my [bleep] coffee

first thing
every [bleep] morning.

If I don't [bleep]
get it now

I'm going to kick
your furry little [bleep]

out of here, so give me
the [bleep] coffee!

Oh. Heh-heh. [bleep].

Guess you'll cut that.

Uh, look, now that you're here,
I want you people to know

I'm just a little bit tweaked

that it
took you so long to get to me.

I mean, I should've been

the first show,
not the hundredth!

I'm telling you, I don't need
this kind of treatment

from some cheap,
jump-on-the-reality-show

bandwagon schlockumentary.

Not that it's changed my opinion
of your fine program one iota.

I'm proud to be part
of your uncompromising quest

for truth and justice.

Did I ever tell you
how much I admired the episode

where you rigged the dump truck

to explode
when the kid's bicycle hit it,

so the detective
could arrest the manufacturer?

[laughs]

So, shall we get on
with the myth-making?

This is my camera-shy,
much less experienced

and generally easy-to-ignore
partner, Cornfed.

Hi, Mom.

Hop off the
curly-cue, carnie.

You and me
are heading out

to solve American Dicks'


[whispering]:
Duckman, that's...

Stickler for procedure

thinks we should wait
till we actually have a case.

Not to worry.

Only a matter of time

before the big ones
start pouring in.

[intercom buzzes]

As promised.

URANUS:
Mr. Duckman, your carton

of itch-away rectal cream
just arrived

and your test results are here.

The doctor hasn't identified
your lesions

but he's ruled out cold sores.

Before I met Duckman,

I was at a crossroads,
soul-searching,

looking for my place in this
endless puzzle we call life.

You ever wake up
in a Cambodian gaming parlor

and realize you were living
in a dark, dank abyss

of emptiness and loneliness,

then wander the mountains
of Asia for two years

until you became the chef
in a Tibetan monastery?

I just asked what kind
of detective Duckman is.

Oh.

I have some clothes
in the dryer.

[snoring]

Wake up, Mr. Cameraman.

What? What? What?
What? What? What?

FLUFFY AND URANUS:
Mr. Duckman!
Wake up, Mr. Duckman!

Wake up!

Not respect you?

I brought you
the hand towel, didn't I?

Ow! Wha-what?

Right. Amazing how fast

two days of waiting
for a case can go by.

URANUS:
Mr. Duckman,
you've got a case on line one.

A case?! Me?!

I mean, of course I have a case.

Why wouldn't I have a case?

[laughing]

I'm just surprised
by the way he said it.

Here, let me get that for you.

[Fluffy giggles,
then screams]

Duckman Investigations--
what can I do for you?

Solve a m*rder?

Track down
an international t*rror1st?

Recover millions of dollars
worth of stolen jewelry?

FEMALE:
I need you to get my cat
down from a tree.

I live at Fourth and Elm.

Fourth and Elm. Got it!

We got a 405, Corny. Code Red!

Now, this may seem
like a simple case,

but with your feline
search-and-rescue missions

any number of things
can go wrong.

Fortunately, I graduated
magna come-and-get-me

from the University
of the Streets,

and by streets,
I mean, mean streets.

Oops, I forgot the rubber
mouse and ball of string.

Fluffy, Uranus,
hold my calls.

I'm about to become the most
famous detective in town
by solving...

Ah, you're sweet.
Sweetest, little, ooh.

[cat purring]
What's that?

Oh, it's a kitty cat,

we found on our
way to work.

At Fourth and Elm.

Uh...
Does that count?

How is he as a father? Ha!

Last week he converted
the twins' stock dividends

into singles,
and blew the whole thing

at that Live Nude Amazons bar
by the airport.

[whirs]

I knew that [bleep]
didn't quit smoking.

You know how tough it is
raising kids with a role model

like that feathered weasel?

Well, the women out there
know what I mean.

Actually, our audience
is mostly men

between the ages
of 20 and 55.

Really? Hmm...
if I get married

my husband will become
the man of the house

and that deadbeat brother-in-law
of mine will be out on his butt.

Oh, did I mention
I'm a gourmet cook,

and I'm about to have
more than half

my visible cellulite
surgically removed.

[moaning]

Heh-heh-heh. Sinus itch.

So, uh, while we're here
perhaps a lesson or two.

One thing that separates
the great detectives

from the slouches is the ability
to recognize an opportunity.

You've got to help me.

My husband, Mayor Whitman,
has disappeared.

Yeah, right, right. A man needs
a break once in a while. Huh?

Maybe there's a marriage
counselor in the Yellow Pages.

Eh, where was I?
[Mrs. Whitman grunts]

Ah, yes.
Sizing up an opportunity

and seeing it for what it is.

No, no.
I need a detective.

With this strike
going on,

I can't find one
anywhere.

Hey, put a sock in it, lady.

I'm in the middle of achieving
legendary detectivehood.

while millions watch!
[grunts]

As I was saying, there could be
a case lurking anywhere.

Uh, Duckman?

You're going
to interrupt me too?!

[whispering]
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Hmm?

Uh, no, Cornfed,
we can't take lunch yet.

I have an intuitive sense
that this woman may have a case.

Well, lady, are my razor-sharp
instincts correct?

I've been trying
to tell you--

my husband disappeared--
Mayor Whitman.

Mayor Whitman!

The man who brought
honesty and fairness
to municipal politics?

The man who cleansed
city hall of corruption.

The man I voted for six times
last election?

Any suspects?

Well, there's Le Francis--
Lance Le Francis.

He manages the baseball
star Honiss Rhodes.

I think money could be
a motivating factor here.

You're right. Le Francis
owed taxes to the city.

I mean, for me.

How much cash
you willing to cough up?

I'll pay you $5,000.

Hey, I don't work for free!

Oh, sorry. Reflex.

Five thousand, huh?

Make it ten,
you got a deal.

Five.
Nine.

Eight.
Five.

Seven.
Five.

Six.
Five.

Five, but that's
as low as I'll go.

Four.
Deal!

I'll take the case
if we're not booked up.

Cor-nay, would you mind
checking my book?

You've got your 50th
high school reunion

in June of 2021.

Before that, we're clear.

From the moment
a case begins,

I get into a mode
of heightened reality,

hyper-perceptive
to every single thing

that goes on around me,

like an owl
scouting its prey,

sensing it, finding it,
then moving in for the...

Corny, you remember
where I parked?

Ook-lay ehind you-bay.

Heh-heh.

Nice job, Corny.

I like to devise
little games

to keep Cornfed sharp.

BERNICE:
Duckman!

There you are.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

Oh, my heavens!

Is this
the television show?

It completely
slipped my mind. Now!

DUCKMAN:
Bernice, what the..?

Look, aliens

are stealing that baby!

As I was saying,
I was just catching up

on one of my many and varied
leisure time activities.

Favorite hobbies
include drag racing,

ancient Greek philosophy,
and snorkeling,

which, by the bye,
has resulted in

an almost superhuman capacity
for breath control,

when I remembered

I had something
urgent to do.

I have something
urgent to do too.

I'm about to solve
the 100th case

on American Dicks.

Tell her, Corny.

Define "about to solve."

Hey, want to see
my abscessed tooth?

CAMERAMAN:
Hey, what are you..?

What's this button do?

CAMERAMAN:
Keep your hands off of that,
you little [bleep]!

Here, let me get
that wire for you.

Bernice,
don't you realize

how much this case
will do for me?

It will make me somebody.

My kids will be able
to be proud of me.

I can't believe you'd ruin
my moment in the sun.

That's not
the only reason I'm here.

You promised to spend
an afternoon with the children.

Yeah, sure, before
they get married.

Do I..?

I mean, they're so busy
with school and all.

Look, Bernice,
I can't take them now.

Think about someone
besides yourself for once.

And don't forget Charles and
Mambo's recital Friday, either.

Ta-ta!

[sirens wailing]

CAMERAMAN:
Out of the way!

I was here first.

Sorry,
we got jurisdiction here.

We're on a major network.
Oh.

DUCKMAN:
What the hell's
going on?!

You're under arrest,
Duckman.

[clears throat]...
Let me try it again.

You're under arrest,
Duckman.

You have the right
to remain silent.

You have some
other rights too

which they'll dub in
at editing. Let's go.

Wait, guys!
You can't do this to me.

It's my chance
at the brass ring,

my big opportunity,
my once-in-a-lifetime sh*t.

Are you g*ons listening to me?

Ooh.

g*ons? Just a term of affection

from the Latin--
goonar, "to like."

The nightsticks
are just for show, right?

Well, I'm sure we'll be out
of here and back on the case

faster than you can say
plea bargain.

They obviously
got the wrong guy.

I'm a good citizen.

I pay taxes, well, sales tax,
except on the stereo stuff

I buy from those two
discount guys in the ski masks.

[gavel pounds]

I hereby call
this court to order.

And welcome
some very special guests

and close personal friends.

American Cops, American Dicks,
American Stenographers,

American Court Janitors,
and of course,

our very own
Slap-Happy Singleton.

First on the docket,
the case of the City...

C-I-T-Y, city, city, city, yay!

Woof! Woof! Woof!

...versus Duckman.

[booing]

Mr. Duckman,

you stand accused
of several violations

of the city's parking code.

Your Honor, please?

Can't you just let me off
with a warning?

I'll go to a few traffic
classes, become a better driver

by watching all those
movies of people

flying through
their windshields.

Yes, well, uh, I suppose
I could let you off.

AJAX:
Way to go, Dad.

He didn't even nail you
for that expired license.

Or when you backed
that manure spreader

next to his car and emptied it
into his sunroof,

the last time
he gave you a...

That Duckman!

Thanks, kids.

You little [bleep].

I sentence you to five years
in prison without parole,

without cable TV, without...

Wait a minute.

Are you Cornfed Pig?

Ernie "Flipper" Davenport,
Navy Seals, Third Division.

Corny, you old hog!

How are you?

Oh, same old, same old.

You know this clown?

He's my boss.

I can't lock up
the boss of a man

who saved my life in Da Nang,
reconnecting my heart

using only a Swiss Army Kn*fe
and a boot lace.

Penalty reduced to a fine
of $500 or three days in jail.

I don't have $500!

I can't go to jail now!

Look, I don't suppose
you could float me a few C-notes

till I cr*ck this case?

Ow! Where you going?

We're both mature,
sensible adults here.

Why don't we just turn
this pesky little camera off

and have a rational discussion.

Please, please, please!

You got to bail me out!

I'll do anything for you!

I'll scrub
the backs of your knees!

I'll peel the corns off
your toes with my teeth!

I'll even hand wash you!

I did turn that thing off,
right?

Actually, you hit
the tint button.

Oh.

[chuckles]

I guess you'll cut that out too.

Thanks for the loan,
although I still think

mowing your lawn
for five years

is a little excessive.

Dad, I'm bored.

Yeah, we should be home
practicing our tubas.

Look, kids, I'm doing
this for you.

Aside from the incredible
fame and celebrity

I'll get from the exposure,
some of this reward money

will go to your
college educations.

You know, your old dad can
only go so far

in teaching you
all the important things

you need to know in life.

Hey, Dad, I can belch
my name better now.

[belches]:
Ajax.

Still not hearing
that second syllable, son.

I think we have
the best dad in the world,

except maybe for my friend
Peter's dad

who buys him things,

or Nurya's dad
who has six fingers.

My dad swatted my face
with a broom once.

Of course, I was eating
from the dustpan at the time.

[tires screeching]

Okay, kids, be careful,

This is obviously a seedy area.

In fact, I wouldn't even be
in this section of town

if it weren't a matter
of life and death.

Hey, Duckman, you got
that five you owe me?

[screams]
I got a common name.

Mrs. Whitman said Honiss Rhodes
is signing autographs down here.

Now I know, he can lead us
to Le Francis.

I have a sixth sense
about the criminal element.

That's right, if there's
the fetid funk of crime

within a mile of here,
I'll sniff it out.

Hey, punk,
you pay for that candy?

[yells]

[chuckles]

Guilty conscience.

[rumbling]

Sorry. My gastriacis
acts up

whenever I haven't
eaten all day.

Oh, gum!

There's Honiss now.

Time to take out the trash.

Hey!

He's your biggest fan.

If you could just sign
his oxygen t*nk

"Keep on fighting,
little slugger.

This one's going extra innings."

It would make his day.

That's five bucks a word
for the inscription

and ten for the signature.

Oh.

All right, bat boy.

Where's your manager,
Le Francis?

You talking to me?

Uh, no,
to the, uh...

bat boy.

All right,
stay here, kids.

No telling what to expect.

What do you say,
Le Francis, pay or play?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, no? Well, perhaps this
will refresh your memory.

What does a Polaroid of you
handing dollar bills

to half-naked Amazons
have to do with anything?

Oh. Wrong picture.

That's Mayor Whitman.

Guilty as charged!

Yeah. You can have
all the technology in the world,

but what it comes down
to each and every time

is gut instinct.

Help! I'm the mayor!

They're trying to kidnap me!
Help!

Uh, Duckman...

Not now, Corny.
I'm having a moment.

Kids, come here and share
the limelight

with your old man--

the best detective
this fair city has ever known.

Duckman, the mayor...

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

Duckman, the mayor.

What do you think, boys?

Get to live
in that great big house,

go to free dinners,
fix parking tickets.
[screaming]

Oh, that mayor.

[cameraman panting]

[cameraman grunts]

[cameraman panting]

Something's wrong here.

Where the hell's
my car freshener?!

Oh. Never mind.
Here it is.

You know, kids,
once I solve this case,

your pop will probably be

the most important detective
ever on this show.

What do you think
about that, Corny?

You're working for the biggest
American d*ck ever.

AJAX:
Hey, quit pushing me.

Then move your carcass.

What's a carcass?

Protozoa brain.

Double bill.

All right, knock it off,

or I'll send you back
to your biological parents.

[horn honking]
[grunting]

[siren wailing]

[camerman panting]

Dad, Dad.

It's the camera guy.

Ooh, look.

A chocolate bar.

[screams]

Help!

AJAX:
Eww... this isn't
a chocolate bar.

[speaking foreign language]

Oh-ho!

Back from dinner
already, huh?

Too bad--
you just missed my kids.

Their Aunt Bernice
came by to pick them up.

I begged them to stay.

They're so much fun
to have around.

Dad, if you're
going to kick us out

at least
give us cab fare!

There you are! Corny!

Hey, why don't you tell them all
the great detective stuff

I did
while he was gone.

Well, he interviewed everyone
the mayor has ever known,

put a phone tap
on his house,

checked his credit card receipts
for the last 12 months,

and snuck off
to his favorite topless bar

and spent our retainer
on table dances.

Liar!

You're right. He didn't do
those first three things.

Okay, so we're
out of leads.

It doesn't matter.

We masters of the craft
find leads where none exist.

What, you didn't think
I went in there

to get a lead, did you?

[chuckling]

The kidnapper's
a Scorpio.

Uh, yes, Mrs., uh, Aaronson?

Yeah, I'm doing a little survey.

Do you happen to know
where the mayor is?

No, huh? Okay.

Yeah, is Betty Abagam there?

Dasvidanya, comrade.

I'm through, Corny.

Ruined! Kaput!

A has-been!
A won't-be! A loser!

I let my kids down.

I let you down.

I might as well

throw away my detective's
license.

[sobbing]

I can't believe...

Don't you ever knock?!

CORNFED:
Duckman,
take a look at this.

Oh, my God!

I can't believe it!

I've been drinking
expired milk!

I was referring
to this picture

of the mayor, bound and gagged,
with Le Francis behind him,

holding a g*n to his head,
leading to the conclusion

that Le Francis
kidnapped the mayor

and is keeping him
at the dairy he owns--

the same dairy that the mayor
wanted to shut down

because Le Francis
wasn't paying any taxes.

Uh-huh.
One question.

Can you get sick from drinking
spoiled milk?

Ew!

Son of a...

All right, this is it.

This is what
we detectives live for.

The big bust!

Pervert!

Look at the size
of those udders.

That's our milking area.

We milk the cows
about once a week

so they don't get
sore teats.

[both chuckling]

Can I help you
with something?

Um, we're with
the American Milk Society,

and we're doing a film
on, uh... milking.

Mind if we poke around
in areas

not usually open to people
looking for a kidnap victim?

Nah. Go ahead.

All right, there you have it.
Superior detective skills.

That's what separates the true
detectives from the pretenders.

The ability to assume
a new identity

to move in secrecy
like a prowler in the night

leaving no trail,
no scent.

MAN:
Phone call
for private detective!

That's me!

Hello.

Bernice?!

I told you never
to call me... anywhere!

Yuck. No, I won't
whisper that to the cameraman.

Uh, Duckman...

I know about the recital.
I don't want to miss it.

If you'd get off the phone,
maybe I could solve this case

and get there on time.

I got a hunch I'm onto
something at this dairy.

Bernice, I don't want
to let them down!

I know
I'm their only father.

I'm also the only person
in the world right now

who's able
to save the mayor.

See if you can stall the recital
for a few minutes.

I'll try
to find the mayor.

When I do,
I'll be able

to buy the boys
a hundred pianos.

Right, tubas.

[yelling]

CROWD [chanting]:
Cornfed! Cornfed!

Of course
it was dangerous, Mayor,

but that comes
with the territory.

[screaming]

[mooing]

WOMAN:
That's the duck
who put his face

between my breasts.

Hey, you can't do this!

This is my ticket
to the big time!

[playing tuba]

[breaking wind]

Hey, that was great!

It's like I never
missed your recital.

I tried to make it, kids,
honestly I did.

You guys know I love you.

And to prove it,
I got you something.

I hope it's
the right size.

A sweater!

Who should we thank--
you or the midget

who left it
at the bus depot?

[laughing]

I can't breathe.

Where's Mambo?

Well, the mayor's back
in city hall

and Lance Le Francis
is behind bars.

And even though I didn't
officially solve the case,

I had my own reward.

Today I learned the importance
of being a good father,

and that means being around
when my bogs need me.

Bogs? That should be boys.

You misspelled that on purpose,
didn't you?

You're trying to humiliate me.

I tried to have one moment here
and you took it away from me.

Yoo-hoo! Mike?

I'm ready to go.

And bring the camera.

And now you're going out
with my sister-in-law?!

Don't you have any ethics,
any morals, any taste?

Well, I've about had it
with you!

Ever since you got here,

you've been trying
to make me look bad.

Well, here,
how do I look now?!

[groaning]

Mike? Mike?

Duckman! If he can't walk
out of here on two feet,

you won't
be able to either.

Duckman!

Duckman!
[Duckman yelling]

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