02x01 - Papa Oom M.O.W. M.O.W.

[bunniefuu]

[blade whirring]

[woman screams,
loud thudding]

Great Caesar's
gumbo party!

Can you believe it?


a parking ticket.

You parked
in a handicapped space.

So what?
No one ever notices,

except the people
who are supposed to park there

and hell,
I can outrun them any day.

Extra police are here

because the president is touring
the neighborhood today.

Perhaps they thought
you looked suspicious.

Suspicious? Me?
Ridiculous.

Hey, maybe I'll go see
the president.

You're not going to complain
to him about the size

of the pasties
at that airport bar again.

What? They're way too big.

But that's not all, Corny--
I'm going to talk to him

about people making a commitment
to our country,

providing a new tomorrow
for our children,

making the future
everything it can and should be.

Forget it. There's a line.

[knocking]

Enter!

Hi. The blown-up
and dismembered

stuffed animals
told us to go on in.

I hope we're not
disturbing you.

You're drooling
in your desk.

It's all part
of what we do here.

What do you do here?

I look at breasts--

and I'm a detective.

But mainly the breast thing.

ALL:
Oh, cool.

It's times like this
I wish I had a penis.

So, eat
to please you.

Uh, plead
to b*at you.

I'm Duckman.
This is Cornfed.

Word.

I'm Katrine.

I'm Petra.

I'm, um... don't tell me.

Cornfed.

That's
his name.

Oh, yeah.

That's where
I heard it.

[all giggling]

And where are
you three arousing and,

hopefully, not Catholic-educated
ladies going?

We were going downstairs
to see the president

and we got lost.

Which way is it
to the ground?

Uh... down.

Told you!

Hey, up, down--

long as one
comes after the other

over and over and over.

May we accompany you ladies?

Wait a minute!

Will you be trying

to have sex
with us later?

Uh... yes.

ALL:
Cool.

[hooting laughter]

Well, if you'll
just wait outside

I'll join you faster

than you can say
"pass the canola oil."

[giggling]

Bye.

Wow! This president thing

is just the babe magnet
I need.

I sure wish you
could go with us.

Remind me again
why I can't.

Well, you have to stay here
in case we get a client.

Hell, I can't even say it
with a straight face.

I won't lie to you,
old friend.

I'm selfishly and greedily
cutting you out of the action

'cause I want the girls
to myself.

Well, got to go get
my basket weaved!

When I snap,
I'll killhimfirst.

Katrine, Petra, Cornfed!

Oof!

Ow!

Ooh!

Please, would you?

God... [muttering]... Ooh!

Su-su-sudio, there they are!

Ooh, Mr. President.

[indistinct
radio transmission]

Make the rabbits
leave me alone!

Right in my sights!
Right in my sights!

[screams]

Ow!

Whoo!

I would have scraped my knee

if I hadn't landed
on this g*n-wielding maniac.

g*n-wielding maniac!

[Duckman yells,
crowd screams]

WOMAN:
He saved the president's life!

It wasn't me.

I swear it wasn't...

I... I did?

Of course I did.

That's me--

presidential savior.

Guess this will make me
a national hero.

And here comes the press.

Ah, the price of fame.

Come forth, estate.

Right here.
I'm fit to print.

For what is heroism...?

REPORTER:
When'd you snap?

Why'd you do it?

Why'd you snap?
When'd you do it?

Have you ever
dated Madonna?

Would you like to?

Wait a minute!
Stop the presses!

I'm the hero!

Why the hell
aren't you talking to me?

What for? At least hecame here
todosomething.

All you did was get in the way
of a bigger story.

Did anybody ever save a paper
with the headline

"President Not sh*t"?

Hey, guys!
Unsubstantiated rumors

and ill-informed gossip
over here!

[reporters clamoring]

DUCKMAN:
Well, well, well...

finally someone gives a hero
his due.

What is heroism...?

Who cares about that?

You urine-colored
feather duster!

You were this close
to the assassin--

Lee Harley Kozak.

Actually, you were
this close.

[groans]

[screaming]

Don't say anything,
you sick, n*zi cow!

I'll nail you to the wall

for what you did to my
client in your column!

You're nothing
but a dried-out old hag!

[gibbering over phone]
Huh?

Well, is your mommy home?

Never mind.

Ah, the Duckman.

Nice to meet you--

and that's only a
slight exaggeration.

Who the hell are you?

Arthur Salvo.

Publicist and dream-maker
extraordinaire.

I'm going
to make you famous.

Huh?

Hey, how?

Clearly not

with speaking
engagements. Ha!

I'll tell you how.

To start with,
I booked you

on the hottest daytime
talk show around--

Geofredo.

After that you'll take off

faster than metastasizing cells
from a smoker's lungs!

All you have to do
is sign.

[sinister laughter
echoing]

Sorry...
I just thought

of something funny
I said last week.

While the world watched,
the life of

the most important person
on the planet who isn't me

was saved by one man, Duckman.

An exclusive today on Geofredo

an episode that's so important,
half of it will be commercials.

Back in seven minutes.

Geofredo...

What, you think you
can proposition me

just because I like
to hang out

in locker rooms nude,
with a lot of sweaty boxers?

I... I'm Duckman.

Oh, right.

You're great.
It's a real honor.

I can't believe
I'm really here.

I mean everybody
watches Geofredo.

His show on impotent lesbian
roller-blading skinheads

was a classic.

Whatever.


Break a leg.

Whose?

Ha! I said,
"break a leg."

Like in "good luck."

You went the whole
other way with it.

Everyone else would
have gone the first way--

the ordinary way--

but you said, "No, no,
I'm going the other way."

You're the best,
Duckman.

Break a leg!

Whose?

We're back with the man who has
been hailed as a national hero.

Duckman, what went
through your mind

when you heroically moved

to stop Kozak from committing
this heinous crime

that would've
shocked the world?

Well, Geofredo, I...

I haven't given it much thought

but what is heroism?
What is courage?

[playing "The Battle Hymn
of the Republic"]

In the end, I simply did what
any American would do--

his sacred duty
to protect this land

and its peoples
from any and all

that would or will
do them or they harm or hurt.

Am I a hero?

If doing what needs to be done

to save the world is heroism

well, then, guilty as charged.

Duckman, what would you say
if I told you we had

exclusive,
amateur videotape

of your true
activities

in the crucial moments
before the rescue?

Mommy...?

GEOFREDO:
A pinch?

WOMAN:
He pinched them!

There you have it--
the blind-side ambush

you'd think anyone
coming on a show like this

would expect by now.

So, how many feel
that Duckman

should be imprisoned
and/or beaten?

[scattered applause]

Really?

Do I have I have to remind you

there were innocent children
there, watching,

as this depraved fiend
made his filthy advances?

Perhaps even your children's
minds forever poisoned--

futures forever tarnished?

Perhaps even driven to dr*gs?

Well, maybe it's not hip
and maybe it's not popular,

but I think drug-pushers
and wife-beaters,

and child-molesters
and mother-K*llers

and World Trade Center
t*rrorists

should be locked up for life.

I say why wait for the courts
to find Duckman guilty?

We're the only court
that matters--

the court of public opinion.

You heard him yourself say
he was guilty as charged.

Who thinks Duckman
should die?

[all shouting]

Ahh!

[g*nsh*t]

Mother Teresa--

traveling the world,
helping the needy

or racking up frequent flyer
miles with your donations?

On the next Geofredo.

Ahh!

[siren wailing]

[moaning]

I can't believe he set me up.

Actually,
I set you up.

I okayed the videotape
and gave it to Geofredo.

And you know why?

They hate you, but they'll
drive over their own mothers

to hear more about you.

By tomorrow they'll only
remember that you're famous.

You sleep now.

But I'm not tired.

How about now?

[gasping]

[static crackling]

Welcome back
to 'round-the-clock coverage

of Duckman the Pinchaholic

not because the story
is important

but because our constant focus
makes it important.

Due to good, hard
investigative journalism

and because we paid them
the most,

Duckman's next-door neighbor is
with us on Inside Copy today.

Yeah, he's a lowlife,
slimeball deviant.

Living here isn't
all that bad, though.

Thanks to him,
I'm charging

newspeople ten bucks
to use my crapper.

Pretty sweet.

Late-breaking news on Pinchboy.

I'm getting word in my earpiece

that we have a shred of new,
incriminating information...

No... no, we don't,
but who knows, we might soon.

Meantime, a look at the store
where he buys his combs.

[protesters clamoring]

[indistinct shouting]

[helicopter whirring overhead]

Oh, look,
the traffic chopper sky babe.

Hey, mama, how about landing
on my zero-niner?

I'll wear a wind sock.

[helicopter crashing]

That just goes to show

you need to use all your fingers
to fly a helicopter.

I can't believe this.

I saved the
president's life,

and they treat me like some
incompetent, oversexed loser.

What part don't you understand?

[all clamoring]

Duckman, the press is
like a wild animal.

Everyone knows if you're
confronted by a wild animal,

the smart thing to do
is to wave a piece of
raw meat in front of it.

The animal will
smell the meat,

think it's eaten
and fall asleep.

My Uncle Frank, the former
big game hunter, told me that.

Well, actually, he typed it

using a stick
he held in his teeth.

[all cheering]

[grunts and groans]

Duckman, do you think
you're a pervert?

Listen, bucko.

The ability of a nation
to protect its leaders

is its pride, its manhood.

At the moment in question,

I held the president's manhood
in my hands,

and I don't mind telling you,
it felt great.

Does that make me a pervert?
You decide.

Let's see them twist that
out of context.

Shall we continue?

And that is why in Togo,
biscuits are called Duckman.

And now I must leave you

as the Brady Bunch is on,

and I find four of those
children incredibly arousing.

[all laughing]

Get out of here.

[door closes]

There, Bernice,
I answered a few
questions.

That should
hold them.

You were out there
for three days!

Duckman, in some sick way,

I think you're starting
to enjoy this horrible circus.

That's crazy!

Wait. No.

Actually, that's 100% true.

I always get
those two mixed up.

Sorry for bursting in
like a runaway train.

It's business.

Duckman, due to our
sterling reputation

and my cold-calling
over 12,000 people yesterday,

we have a case.

Stuff it, sparerib.

There's no more gum
on my shoe.

I finally plugged into the true
American work ethic--

raking in loads of cash without
an ounce of actual effort.

I can do whatever I want, Corny.

My name is gold.

In fact with
a reputation like mine,

I could even run for office.

While I know it won't be easy,

it's not like
I've sold arms for hostages,

but I can do it.
I can do anything.

Ha, ha! Ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha...
[crashing, glass breaking]

For those of you
who went out for a beer,

we've created a monster.

[TV playing]

Cholesterol and gristle!

Get it while it's congealing.

[gasps]

[all clamoring]

[slurping and munching
nosily]

[burps loudly]
[sighs]

I'm guessing there are a few
extra chromosomes in this house.

Duckman, about this
recent behavior,

I think you're
overexposing yourself.

Hey, it was an innocent
walk across campus.

Those coeds blew it
way out of proportion.

What Mr. Desalvo is referring to

is the way you've been spreading
yourself a little too thin.

To wit: There's Duckman
T-shirts, Happy Meals,

condoms, tequila, suppositories
and aluminum siding.

There're Duckman pajamas
with peekaboo butt-flaps.

There's Duckman cereal,
where strawberry Duckmen

pinch toasted-wheat women.

There's Duckman dairy-air
frozen yogurt,

simply Duckman
scented love oils,

Duckman tartar-control
tukus toothpaste

with its pinchable
butt-shaped dispenser

and Duckman kung-fu
action figures

with a plier-like grip
for that extra inch of pinch.

Barely-tell-they're-leftover
Jodie Foster maverickfigures

with glued-on bills.

Duckman,

the public is like a woman.

You make love to her slowly,
passion ebbing and cresting,

bringing her to the brink

and then pulling back
to prolong the desire.

What planet are you from?

I'm done showered and gone

before the time's up
on the magic fingers.

Besides, what could be better
than having your face dumped

right into everybody's laps?

First, with those products,
then with my TV movie?

Every voter in the country
will be watching me.

And that and my sleazy
reputation

will make me a shoo-in
for the U.S. Senate.

Duckman,
if I could...

Eh! Too many words,
you lose your turn.

We're too big for that
penny-ante detective stuff,

now, Corny,
and I do mean "we,"

because you're
going with me.

You could be the guy

that goes in to
smooth things over

if I say something
that offends

any of those overly
sensitive special-
interest groups.

You know, like those
real ugly broads who
are always yelling

about equal rights when
all they really need

is a little honey
[clicks tongue]
in their hives?

What did you say?

Nada. Never mind.

It has absolutely
nothing to do

with anyone who remotely
resembles you.

[sardonic chuckle]

Duckman, think about it.

Is a life built on exploitation

the kind of example you want
to set for your family?

Exploitation? I'm a hero,
as my movie will prove.

Besides, I've had
a talk with my family.

They know it's wrong
to capitalize on something

just because it means
a few extra bucks.

TV ANNOUNCER:
On newsstands now--
Duckman's mom-in-law

and the girls of I.C.U.

[breaking wind]

Doesn't matter.

Don't want to
watch those anyway.

Voters want
to know about me,

and there's only one movie
that can tell them

what really happened
out there-- mine!

On USA.

USA? Are they on at night?

Are you kidding?

Dozens of people watch USA,

and they gave me
complete creative control,

meaning this movie
will be the truth.

I even turned down
playing myself,

opting instead for reality

by getting an actual actor
to fake being me.

DUCKMAN:
Shh! There it is.

ANNOUNCER:
Winds, winds, winds and winds
will not be seen tonight,

so we may bring you
this USA movie event--

Pinch Me, Kiss Me, k*ll Me:
The Duckman Story.

What is heroism?
What is courage?

Now, I don't know
if I can define them,

but I do know them
when I see them,

and I see them both every time
I look in the mirror.

Ooh, Duckman.
Ooh, Duckman.

And speaking
of seeing them both...

[loud clattering]
Shh!

If you'll excuse me,
I do believe it's time

to, uh, take out the trash.

[giggling]

[karate yells]

[fists smacking,
Ninjas grunting and groaning]

[gasping]

Pesky Ninjas.

Oh, Duckman.
Ohh... here.

DUCKMAN:
Okay, okay.

So I pushed the envelope a bit.

That's just smart TV.

On the tube, everyone's
a little bigger than life.

A little more glamorous.

[belches]

Don't fret, ladies.

That's just Cornfed,
my drunken, washed-up partner,

whose worthless carcass I carry
through case after case.

Heh, heh... a little
buddy comedy banter.

Wanna pass the nachos?

Duckman, there's a woman
outside to see you,

and you'll be very proud of me.

I barely vomited
on this one at all.

See, another thing about TV...

[spits]

Why don't you two
go tie yourselves up

and wait for me
on the couch?

Of course.
Anything you
say, Duckman.

[women giggling]

[g*nsh*t]

I'd like you to solve a case.

Normally, I like
a bigger challenge.

Not this one.

He was my father.

Due to the fact that I was
once grounded in high school,

a jury of my peers
will understand

that I was traumatized
and lashing out

and I will be acquitted
of any crime.

I'm here for something else.

I'm all ears.

WOMAN:
Don't be so modest.

I'm sure you have lots of other
interesting extremities.

Easy, my dear.

I don't think we should

extend this conversation
any further.

Then we'll take her in
for a landing, flyboy,

and I'll restore
you to a locked

and fully upright
position.

Just make sure
it's a smooth entry
into the hangar.

That shouldn't
be a problem

as long as everything's
handled correctly

in the cockpit.

[moaning passionately]

Ooh! Oh...

[moaning and panting]

Is this the part where
the oxygen mask drops down?

Be careful, my darling,
love is like a gerbil.

It's a lot of fun
but leaves pellets everywhere.

You're right. Besides,
I didn't just come here

to ride a
tongue-powered
tilt-a-whirl.

I was on my
Stairmaster
at the gym,

and I overheard someone's
plot to k*ll the president.

All right, let's go.
Oh!

We'll take
my Volkswagen Jetta GLX

with dual airbags,
anti-lock brakes

and VW's unique
traction control.

The German engineered
Volkswagen Jetta:

European luxury
made affordable.

Dad, that was a blatant plug!

And your point is?

[woman moaning]

Oh, you did it.

You saved the president

and k*lled those
naughty assassins.

It wasn't hard for
those of us who know

Jinkatsu, the ancient
art of eye-gouging.

By the way,
tell the president

he won't look that
bad in a patch.
[giggling]

CORNFED:
Did we really need
all that degrading sex

and gratuitous,
stomach-churning v*olence?

DUCKMAN:
Hey! USA had
certain guidelines.

Duckman...

the blood, the gore,

the ritual execution...

I'm titillated.

[melodramatic music playing]

Oh, Duckman...

Oh, Bernice...

We shouldn't be doing this.

You're my brother.

In-law!

Brother-in-law!

[moaning passionately]

Oh, Duckman...
[clattering]

Ducky-duck...
Oh...

[clearing desk]

Oh...
What the hell
are you staring at?

Oh, don't...

Don't stop.

Oh, my God!
Don't stop!

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Ducky! Ducky!

Oh! Oh!
Ducky!

Ducky!!!

ANNOUNCER:
The preceding was
a work of fiction

based on real-life,
copycat behavior

inspired by a work of fiction.

What an experience.

I think this is something
I'll always carry with me.

Not unlike
a malignant tumor.

Excuse me, I have to go wash
with some lye and a wire brush.

Which one was
Marg Helgenberger?

You guys still
don't get it, do you?

That movie turned out
exactly the way I wanted it to.

That's what
John Q. Public wants.

That's what made me famous.

That's what got you a free ride
on the Duckman gravy train.

And with exposure like this,

that train's going
all the way to the top.

Isn't that right,
teacher o' mine?

[retching]

[retching]

[retching]

[retching]

Never mind. I'll ask him
when he's finished.

Time to step outside,

get my kudos from the press

and tell them to dust off
my seat in the senate.

Hey?!

Where'd everybody go?

[helicopter whirring overhead]
Story's over.

We're onto the next one:

Ex-football player
castrates child-like singer.

[gate closing]

See you tomorrow,
usual time.

That's it?

Just like that?

No fame, no fortune?

No hot-tubbing
with Linda Bloodworth-Thomason?

[laughing hysterically]

Actually, we should all
feel a little embarrassed.

Dad, my teacher says

that every bad experience
teaches us a lesson.

Ajax, your teacher
is wrong.

It's had no lesson at all.

It's impossible
for any thinking person

to come away with any
new insight whatsoever.

I want you to make a detailed

list of everything
that happened.

So if this situation
ever comes up again,

we can do exactly the same thing
we did this time

and keep our fingers crossed
that it turns out better.

Who wants cake?

TV REPORTER:
Tonight's Duckman told a story

of the commercialization
of the news media.

Could it really happen? Find
out on the late-night news.

Also, we'll have
Gossip with Stacy,

The Dumbest Dog Contest,
Cooking with the Pan Man,

Dr. Schnitz
with What's in the Stars?

And, time permitting,

a report on the bloody
civil w*r in Africa.