03x04 - Color of Naught

[bunniefuu]

[quacks]

[man yells]

[g*nshots, woman screams]

WOMAN:
I'm tired of all this
squalor and misery

Of living so close

to a miserable, degrading
nightmare of an existence.

Well, even though we
don't live in the ghetto,
it does affect...

I am talking
about this house!

Hey! Don't talk about my house

like it doesn't have class
or something.

[belches]

A home is more than
just pretty paint

or a healthy lawn,

or a yard free of rusted-out
benzene barrels.

It's about all the little
homey touches, too.

Like your crime-scene-distressed
patio furniture?

What, the only
good picnic table

is one without
human blood on it?

You have a 30-foot stack of
flaming tires in your backyard.

I told you, I can't put it out

until someone from Ripley's
documents it.

It's been burning
for three years.

Well, it's hard to get them
to come out.

They're still angry
about, you know, the bee thing.

The bee thing?!

[screams]
People, please.

The purpose of inviting
the mayor

to our block
association meeting

was to address the real needs
of our city.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that's her now.

Remember, everyone,
the mayor was kind enough

to come and participate

in this, the truest
expression of democracy,

so let's behave like Americans.

ALL:
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

MAYOR:
Back. I have a taser.

[gasping]

The only reason I'm here
is to stop the harassment--

the letters,
the petitions

the decapitated dolls
in the mail--

day after day after day!

[nervous laughter]

One woman's harassment
is another woman's persistence.

Well, here's one woman's
cease and desist order.

Bye.

Wait, just a minute, toots.

We are your constringents

and as such, have
a consultational right

to pizza and dissembly

with a special
systolic perversion

of life, Listerine
and the cheroot of sappiness

to cervix and project.

What are you
talking about?

Uh, just a sec.

Uh, never mind.

Look, plain and simple,
Mayor McBabe

we are not going to
be swept under the rug

like some worthless
stack of garbage.

Ow!

Mayor, we just want you
to hear our ideas

on how to improve
the city.

Oh, what the hell.



Okay, make it snappy
with these "ideas."

Me!
Me!
Me!
Hey!

Eh-eh. Before you start

if any of them cost money,
we'll have to raise taxes.

Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

Improvements don't have
to cost money.

We can volunteer to help out

at day care centers
or old age homes

pick up litter,
clean up graffiti.

In short, we could pull together
as a community

and give freely
of our time and effort.

What do you say?

[smacking]

Hasselhoff time!

[cheering]
Not so fast.

If there's anything

my almost week and a half
in office has taught me

it's that you
can't change anything

but you can find
a scapegoat.

[growling]

[screams]

[Duckman grunting]

MAN [clapping]:
Bravo.

I have to applaud you

for the single greatest display
of negative thinking, or N.T.

that I have ever
seen in one place.

Tony Sterling,
self-made millionaire

entrepreneur
and a living example

of the power
of positive thinking, or P.T.

I have the way to beautify
your city, or B.Y.C.,

make it a better place
to live, or B.P.L.

and just get happier, or J.G.H.

Terif.
Now, why don't you G.F.Y.?

[chuckles]

Charming, you adorable-though-
obviously-ravaged-by-bees gal.

You're right
to be skeptical, or S.

It is, however, possible.

Real beauty...

ALL:
Or R.B...

Excellent...

starts with you.

When you look beautiful

you want the world
around you to look
beautiful too.

You'll spend
and do and work

until your city,
like you,

gives off a glowing
lustrous sheen of prosperity

professionalism
and proprietary--

a word that has nothing
to do with the sentence

but starts with "P-R,"
so I threw it in anyway.

Now I know what
you're thinking.

MAN:
Take it off, mayor!

You're thinking,
"But, Tony, you're so handsome.

How could you know
what it's like to be ugly?"

Well, I used to be awkward
and unattractive

a real dough-faced,
smegma-coated zero.

But then

[glass breaks, woman screams]
I decided I needed help

becoming the most perfect me
I could be.

So I set out
to put perfection in a bottle.

Beautex--
because in this world

you come first.

Sounds good.

I'd love some.

Hold your horses, eager beavers.

Lest you think

it's only the hombres
who can look this good

I'd like to introduce you

to the spokeswoman

for Lady Beautex.

[all oohing]

Angela.

[all clamoring]

MAMBO:
Hey, Dad

that's Angela,
the 911 operator

whose voice you
fell in love with

and who turned
out to be ugly

but you loved
her anyway.

Then she got a makeover
and became a gorgeous supermodel

and you broke up with her
because she was too good for you

and you'd be
holding her back.

Don't you think
I know all that?

That wasnt for you;
that was exposition

for the 99.9%
of the audience

who are usually out
having a life

on Saturday nights
instead of staying home

and flipping through
obscure cable channels

in the hopes they'll
catch a little soft-core
p*rn.

Hmm. Oh, my gosh.

An-An-Angela, it's m-m-m-me.

[phone rings]

Hold that stammer,
will ya?

Yello.

She owes how much
in Beautex bills?!

Wrap her wrinkled butt
in a shawl

and kick her and her cat
out in the street.

And hurry,
it's supposed to snow.

Angela, you... you've changed.

Impressive, isn't it?

So, Dinkman, what's
been happening

since I saw you last?

Great, sounds like fun.
Well...

Maybe I'll see
you later, huh?

Nothing romantic,
of course

because, well...

look at you,
then look at me.

[door slams]

People always try to convince me

that it's what's inside
that counts,

but those
are the ugly people.

I want to get Angela back

but to do that now,
I have to get beautiful

no matter how much it costs.

[change clattering]

Oh, deadbeat neighbors.

Oh, well.

This will get me started.

Beautex me!

ANNOUNCER:
It's time for
The Magic of Beautex

with your host, Tony Sterling.

Thank you.

You're marvelous.

You know, I've been
all over the world

and everywhere I go,
people say the same thing--

"Stop smiling at me."

Then they say, "Hey, Tony,

"you're living right
and looking good.

How do you stay so up?"

Three words--

"Beautex...

my friend."

[cheering]

As you know,
many of your neighbors

have been using Beautex
for weeks

and they're with us today

to share some of their
experiences with you

so come on.

[with audience]:
Let's get Beautexed!

Why, look who's here
to introduce those neighbors--

that glamorous supermodel,
Angela.

Thanks, Tony.

You're not going to believe
our next Beautex success story.

Can't wait.

Hi. Iggy Catalpa here,
former stand-up comic

now the guy who finds virgins
for Fox executives.

I'm tired of always being
the butt of everyone's jokes.

They call me dweeb and geek
and nerd.

One guy called me a jackanape.

I don't even know
what that means.

For me,
life is a long, dark tunnel

with no end in sight.

I long for the peace
that only death can bring.

[applause]

Would you like to see Iggy
after one week

of using the Beautex
line of products?

[cheering]

Wow, Iggy,
is that really you?

You bet, Tony,
and I owe it all to Beautex.

Now life is worth living again.

I'm confident, secure

and I get more tail
than I can handle. Ha!

[applause]

But don't just take
his word for it.

With the money I made
selling Beautex

I funded a day-care center,
a g*ng outreach program

and a committee
to restore English

to our convenience stores

but most important,
I'm a bitchin' babe!

Thank you, Beautex.

We're dating Winona Ryder.

Thank you, Beautex.

I used to be sloth-like
and rotund

but now I'm a stunning slice
of man meat.

Like with most things

I assumed it was the work
of tiny little demons

that enter my body
when I sneeze or yawn

but it's been explained to me
that this time is different.

Thank you, Beautex.

Beautex fever is catching!

And you don't have to be alive
to enjoy its benefits.

From building materials
to paints to laundry detergent

to lawn care

everything looks better
with Beautex on it.

[applause]

That last splotch
must have worked.

I'm six degrees of studly now.

Hunk city, here I come.

[yells]

[doorbell buzzing]

CORNFED:
Duckman, open up.

Take a hike, Ziffel.

You can't live a life
devoid of meaningful contact

spending all your time
frantically rubbing yourself

with a fistful of lotion...

...uh, anymore.

I don't want to see anyone.

I've been using Beautex

for days,
and it doesn't work on me.

Everyone else sparkles
like a young dentist's spit sink

and I look like the floor
around Stevie Wonder's urinal.

No offense meant, of course,
to that talented songsmith.

I need love,
I need companionship...

I need a new door.

Why, Corny, you're beautiful.

Tell me something
I don't know.

You've been using it, too?!

The one who says
how shallow it is

to be obsessed with the surface,
nonspiritual, the superficial?

Sue me.

I'm getting more tail
than I can handle.

Are all of these empty?

I'm doing this
for Angela, Corny.

I'd give anything
to hear her voice calling....

ANGELA:
Duckman.

Calling....
Duckman!

Call...
Duckman!

Uh... I'm, uh...
down in the basement

where it's real dark

'cause I'm, uh...

I can't tell her
something embarrassing

like I'm ashamed
of my appearance. Think. Think.

I'm developing
p*rn photos!

Be gentle.
He's more nervous

than a Mennonite without a mill
at the Festival of Tehezadarel.

I got to make
my references hipper.

Duckman, I'm here because

you owe almost $3,000
in unpaid Beautex bills.

I'll just take your car,
furniture, clothes

and any gold fillings
you might have.

Fine. Take it all.

It doesn't matter anyway--
I've had it up to here.

I'm holding my hand
under my chin, by the way.

How could I have hoped
to get back together with you?

Get back together with me?

After the way you dumped me?!

Leaving me sitting
in that restaurant

just waiting for you?

Three weeks, three long weeks
sitting in that booth

looking up every time
the door opened.

They let you sit there
for three weeks?

Well, I kept ordering
iced tea.

I'd still be there if one of
my kidneys hadn't shut down.

And after my surgery

I vowed never to need you
or anyone else ever again.

I have everything I need
to get by,

and it's better this way,
Duckman.

Can't you see
I'm much better off on my own?

I'm happier like this...

a lot happier than I ever
would've been with you.

[crying]

Angela...

don't you know how hard it was
for me to let you go?

I just...

I didn't want you
to ever settle for less,

to settle for me.

But the truth is,
not a day has gone by

that I haven't thought
about you, dreamt about you.

I love you, Angela.

I'm sorry. It's okay.

I know you and I
don't have a chance.

You're so beautiful
and I'm so... not.

Well...

Well...

Oh, my goodness, I'm late!

D-D-Do you have to go?

I'll be back at 6:00.

Will you wait for me?

Hmm.

What the...?

Why'd all that color
come off her dress?

And why is she two hours late?

Oh, well, I guess I'll do
what I always do

when I think too much.

[remote clicks]

We now bring you
this important message.

You're doomed, Duckman.

That sounds like...

King Chicken?

Maybe because it is.

Meet me at the top
of the Beautex Trade Center,

the world's tallest

and more important,
most rapidly-built building

if you ever want to see Angela
and your family again!

Mwa-ha-ha. Bok, bok, bok.

I now return you
to the end of the world

already in progress.

What the hell's going on?

[whimpering]

I hope you'll all
be comfortable.

I'd hate for your last moments
on earth

to be marred by chaffing.

You're really someone
named King Chicken?

And all this time,
you were just using me

as part of some horrible plot
to get at Duckman?

That, and you made a
darn good cup of coffee.

As for my aptly-named
"hideous plot,"

Beautex, is really
a deadly virus--

one that eats away at matter,
causing it to devolve

through its various stages
of development

until it loses all form
and reality,

vanishing into nowhere.

Oh, it'll be a pleasure
to watch you all die.

Excuse me,
Mr. Chicken?

Allow me to handle
this, maggots.

Look, your broil highness,
we're from Weird Science.

Like most of this country

we don't waste
good babe-snaring time

watching
your pitiful little show.

What this total stranger,
who is certainly not my brother

is trying to ask is:
Why are you k*lling us?

USA asked me to.

They don't want one show doing
anything without the other.

So, I'll just k*ll all of you

and they'll rerun
Silk Stalkings.

Demographically sound,
from a programming standpoint.

Psst. Psst.

No. Ajax.

Since I've never seen

this pathetic
little daisy parade of yours

what have you got to save us,
some kind of superpower?

I can put coins in my nose
and snort out exact change.

Yeah, but this Duckman--

what kind of superpowers
does he have?

Well, when he panics, he can
scream just like a little girl.

[shrieking]

Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

[screams]

[screams]

[gasps]

[screaming]

[evil laughter]

King Chicken!

Even you have
to get out of here.

This building is...

Devolving?

Relax, kookie, this side
of the building

has been treated
with anti-Beautex.

Somehow, some way

I've got to stop
this horrible mass destruction,

this apocalyptic nightmare,
this--

Hey, the three guys
from Weird Science.

I never miss your show.

I just wish it wasn't
so darn complicated, you know?

Who can follow those convoluted,
twisty story lines?

We're dead meat.

And now, I suppose you all
want to know why I did this.

Okay. I'll tell you.

The reason is...

We interrupt to bring you
a special news bulletin.

Tim Curry, the celebrated
stage and screen actor

has been reported missing
by the Los Angeles police.

A note left
at the recording session

for tonight's episode
of the heavily praised

yet seldom watched
Duckman series

simply said,
"I'm going somewhere

"where they'll never again
make me do the speech

"about how Duckman
isolated me as a child

so now I'm going to isolate him.
Mwa-ha-ha. Bok, bok, bok."

Now, back to the program.

...going to isolate him.
Mwa-ha-ha. Bok, bok, bok.

Oh, God.

So why didn't
Beautex work on me?

You took the antidote.

Remember when I was disguised
as your children's nanny?

I made potatoes for you
and they contained this--

anti-Beautex.

Hey, you got to think ahead
in this business.

By the way

here's an amulet
I'd like you to wear.

Wow, thanks.

No prob.

Duckman!

[groaning]

Duckman, save us.

He can't save you.

It's over.

You're a victim
of your own obsession

just like the rest--
a fading testament

to the shallow idiocy

of worshiping beauty
above all else!

Look, it's
Whitney Houston!

Oh, she's so hot!

Us first!

We get higher ratings!

Only because you got
the desirable time slot

and our audiences
are incompatible!

We're gonna die, man!

There's some freaky stuff
happening here,

and we're all going to die!

[screaming]

Oh, well. Let their
producers worry about it.

[gasping]

No! No!

[yells]

KING CHICKEN:
No!

My horoscope said this was
a bad day to destroy the world.

[screaming]

We still have to do something.

The city is almost gone.

I just found this crate full
of scrumpt-dilly-icious dry ice

in the kitchenette.

Dry ice! That's it--
I have an idea!

Angela, pour
the anti-Beautex on it.

Now what?

That.

[cheering]

[cheering]

But it just goes
to show you, kids.

Pay attention in school.

Somewhere, in all that babbling
your teachers do,

you'll learn one thing that
you can one day bring back

and use in an appropriate itme.

As for King Chicken, I hate to
think of the horrible effect

all that concentrated Beautex
could have on someone,

the gross deformities
it could cause.

I'll get you for
this, Duckman.

One way or another,
I'll outsmart you.

[chuckles]
Impossible!

Oh, wait a minute.

Almost forgot
my new amulet.

Duckman, I'm
so proud of you.

Angela, I was afraid
I lost you forever.

Before anything else happens,
before I lose you again

there's something I need to say

something I've wanted to say
for so long.

Angela, will you marry me?

No.

Huh?

You know the Beautex slogan--

"Because in this world
you come first"?

The more I think
about that slogan

the less I like the person
who thought of it

and the sad thing is,
it was me.

So I've decided
to travel the country,

reach out to troubled kids,
clean up playgrounds

just try to do something

to bring the right
kind of beauty

to some places that haven't
seen it for a long time.

I'm sorry.

I hope you understand

and I'll be back.

Let's go home, everyone.

So, since she didn't say "yes"

while she's gone,
I can date, right?

What? I won't really
like them or anything.

It would just be a sexual thing.

What if I pay?!