03x16 - The Road to Dendron

[bunniefuu]

[exotic Middle Eastern music
plays]

[Big Band jazz music plays]

[wind blowing]

DUCKMAN:
♪ ...Bottles of scotch
on the wall ♪

♪ 99 bottles of scotch ♪

♪ if one of those bottles
gets puked on the floor... ♪

Mr. Duckman...

[whistling]

Mr. Duckman, if you,

as a chaperon
on your son's class trip,

cannot act
with a modicum of decorum

I'll rip out your heart
and feed it to my dingo.

Oh, look at me shaking,

Mr. Bighead Psychiatrist
Bus Driver.

[humming]

[tires screeching]

[yelling]

Ooh...

Please stand behind
the yellow line.

[screaming]

Come on, Sally Jessy,
it's my turn on top.

It's probably not a good idea
to harass Dr. Stein

who was pressed into service
when the state cut funding

for Ajax's school's bus driver,
sports programs, arts programs,

education programs
and building fund.

Hey, it's the '90s.

If kids can't learn
in a gravel pit,

let them go out
and mug cripples
like the rest of us.

Dendron?! You said
the field trip

was to Mel's Mud
Wrestling Warehouse.

Simmer down, Junior.
I figured the only way

to get you to go somewhere
with your son

was a sexual-degradation
based lie.

Cornbone, you
really know me.

Well, I guess we're off
on another zany adventure.

You dropped the log
line there, old pal.

♪ We're off on the road ♪

♪ To Dendron, buddy ♪

♪ We're going ♪

♪ Because of my son... ♪

A chip off
the old blockhead.

♪ We don't know
what we'll find ♪

♪ In Dendron, buddy ♪

♪ But we're legally obligated ♪

♪ To make it fun ♪

♪ I'll suffer pain
and great humiliation ♪

It suits you.

♪ I'll rant and fume
and call Bernice a hag ♪

Who says
chivalry's dead?

♪ And since we want to get
to syndication ♪

♪ You know we're both
gonna end up in drag ♪

♪ We're off on the road ♪

♪ To Dendron, buddy ♪

♪ And that's also
the name of this song ♪

♪ For copyright purposes ♪

♪ We don't know
what we'll find ♪

♪ In Dendron, buddy ♪

♪ But we know it's gotta be ♪

♪ 23 minutes
and 19 seconds long. ♪

Quiet, please.

I'm trying to drive.

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

[students cheering]

Bad news, Stein.

You missed a pothole


Come on, Dad.

Everyone's going to the desert
to see a pair of mids

where you can play soccer
for Gus.

Pyramids.

Sarcophagus.

Ajax, you want to stare
at a bunch

of pointy-top coffins,
go ahead.

Me and Cornfeed, we're going
to check out the real Dendron.

Excuse me.

You look like you've been around
the oasis a few times.

You know where I can find
some hookers?

[grunts]

Hey, if you don't speak English,
just say so.

Make way for the
Princess of Dendron.

Make way for the Princess
of Dendron.

Thanks for the exposition.

Who's tall, dark
and creepy?

Beware. Beware.

That is the sultan's fakir,
Achmed al-Wazir,

an evil man full of tricks
and tortures and torments.

It is said that when
the moon is full, he...

All right.

Thank you.
We'll be in touch.

I'm deeply, deeply in love.

I'd better not tell Duckman.

Nookie. Royal nookie.

I got everything I want
in the palm of my hand,

and it's not even me.

I'd better not tell Duckman.

Say, Corny, why don't you
and Ajax check out the sights.

I'm going to hail a camel

and head off aimlessly,
any direction,

certainly not trying
to follow that carriage,

'cause I really couldn't
care less where it's going.

No, Duckman.
He's your son.

You show him around,
and I'll find us a room.

Say, isn't that a Motel 6

over in the direction
that carriage went?

Come.
[yells]

Hey, none of that now.

At least, let's
talk first.

Oh. It's a Kn*fe.

[snapping fingers]

Good. They have surrendered
their consciousness.

But I did not hypnotize
that one.

Duckman, he's gone.

Who?

Ajax.

Ajax who?

Ajax your son.

Ajax my son who?

Not important.

Now's the part
where we run.

Ha ha! They fell.

Whoa!

Oy.

They got away,
but I think

they may have picked
up the wrong basket.

Damn. Now, we're gonna
have to wait for years

till all these baskets
are sold

and someone comes back
complaining there's
a dead body in one.

We could search them.

Oh, search them.

Listen to the fancy-pantsy
college man.

All right, fine.
Let's search them.

[yells]

Sorry. Thought I saw him.

He's gone.

He's really gone.

We've looked for
hours. Nothing.

How could I lose
my only son?

You know what I mean,
the one I like.

I'm more tired than
Madonna's plumber

with a mouthful
of Mentos.

You don't even care

if your jokes make sense
anymore, do you?

Not since
the second season.

I'm just sub-referencing
for the hell of it now.

I'm worried that Ajax
might be in the clutches

of the filthiest,
greediest animals on Earth.

Cable system operators?

sl*ve traders.

We may need to buy his freedom.

And since you spent our money
on a gag photo of us

standing in front of a fake
backdrop of a desert bazaar,

we have a problem.

Relax, Paddy O'Link.

Achmach over there

is all the cabbage
we need.

Let's lay a number 47 on him.

My high school pep squad,
the Nile High Club

is selling magazines

to raise money
for a trip to Epcot.

Do you currently get Redbook?

What? I am
the sultan of Dendron.

Hey, okay. Chill.

Can you at least change
a ten-piaster coin?

Huh? What?

Very well.

Oh, uh, this isn't a ten.
It's a 25.

Take the fives back,
and that's two tens and a five.

Let's see, that's ten,
and this is what, a 20?

So, take ten,
give me five,

you take the 20,
and give me the tens...

Enough! Keep the tens.

Just leave me be,
you idiot.

That was close.

I'm sure glad you didn't do
something stupid like... uh-oh.

Hey, Jamie Farr!

So, I'm an idiot, huh?

Well, we just ran the oldest
con in the book on you.

That's right.

I, an idiot, and my partner--

who you hookah-happy,
falafel-fluffing, hump-hoppers

think is unclean--

just fleeced you out
of a dungload of cash

and I'm glad.

[stammering]

That was, um, a
monologue from...

From The Moron
and His Friend Are
Allowed To Live--

a new play
we're rehearsing.

[murmuring]

Written by Salman Rushdie.

You couldn't have
said David Mamet?

Fresh filet at 2:00.

The princess.

I think she's naked.

She wears it well.

[screaming]

Had enough?

You can't keep us
here, you know.

We're Americans.
We have rights.

Including the right
to bear arms.

So, could we, like,
have some g*ns?

Liberals.

Ow! What's with
the hair mail?

It's from the princess.

"My strong, handsome hero.

"I bring good news.

"The one you seek, Ajax,
is rumored to be alive and well

and somewhere close by..."

Wee-yeah.

"Ever since the bazaar,
I've known you are my destiny.

"But my father, the sultan,
is very angry.

I beg, but he will
only spare one of you."

Blah, blah, blah.
"Heart has wings."

Blah, blah, blah.
"Ancient pleasure techniques."

Blah, blah, blah. "Hot oils."

The rest is
fairly dry stuff.

Poor kid's got it bad.

What she needs
is a dose of vitamin D.

Then she'll need
some penicillin.

Don't flip
your wigly, pigly.

When they drag you
to the behead office,

I'll put in
a good word for you.

That is, after I save Ajax.

Ah, Ouija Board
and Sergio.

Be gentle when you
take him away...!

[yelling]

♪ The princess loves me ♪

♪ The princess
loves me ♪

♪ Princess... ♪

♪ Loves me... ♪

What am I doing?

Dancing for four days,

forgetting about
Ajax and Duckman.

Why would I behave
so carelessly, so unlike myself?

MAN:
The password is...

No woman is worth jeopardizing
your friends' lives for,

except Elle MacPherson
or Julie Moran from ET.

Or Martha Stewart.

Mmm.

I've got to try to save Duckman.

DUCKMAN:
Stop! No!

You're k*lling me!

I can't take it!

No more!

No!

You're tickling,
you bad girl, you.

You've got to admit.

The kid's got style.

Oh! No fair tickling.

Just polish the toenails,
not the heel.

All I see is heel.

Very nice.

Look, they would have
k*lled you four days ago.

If not for me,

you'd be a football by now.

Besides, don't play so innocent.

♪ The princess loves me ♪

♪ The princess loves me... ♪

All right, we were both wrong.

So, is the princess incredible?

Ah... unbelievable.

Darling,
what is he doing here?

She looks exactly like...

An angel. Yes!

Cornfed, this is
Princess Fallopia,

my fiancee.

Mr. Cornfed,
I am happy you are safe,

but it is dangerous
for you to be here.

If my father knew...

He won't,
my little sand crab.

FALLOPIA:
Something strange
is going on

at a large storage tent
outside of camp.

Someone mentioned
a wicker basket.

It may be Ajax's.

Here's a map.

Please be careful, my stallion.

I need you to kiss
my buttery lips,

caress my creamy skin,

sip from the milk
of my passion.

Not in front of
the easant-pay.

[giggling]

You know, of course,
that any chance of a comic,

song-filled competition
for her is dead and gone.

Along with my libido--
dating Ajax's twin.

Hey, I'm a charter member
of the horny hall of fame,

but, I mean, there's
some issues here.

So I paid a cook to slip her
a mickey at dinner every night.

Next morning,
she doesn't remember a thing.

So I tell that tall tail
a tall tale

about how sex-sational I was.

Now, let's go get Ajax.

This map doesn't
say which tent.

Corny, if you were
a wicker basket,

where would you be?

Oh, no.

Don't you worry,
Corny. Follow me.

Dad!

Duckman, how did you...?

[sniffs]

Never mind.

Huh?

[sniffs]

Oh, my God.

Come on, please,
something happen.

Duckman,
you can't save us

by just rubbing
some magic lamp.

Who said anything
about a magic lamp.

Come on, come on!

I pray you're only a mirage.

Hey, scarab, I'm tired
of traveling worst class.

Perhaps you'd re-think your
lack of manners and hygiene

if we slipped some
gunga dinero your way.

Will you shut up?!

Who here is the hostage,
I ask?

Me? No, I don't think so.

Our tour guide's
giving me 1,001 frights.

How did I let you
get me into this?

Yes, it was rotten
of me

to give in to your pleas
to accompany you.

Perhaps you could explain
your madman's scheme to us

in the time-honored fashion
of over-confident villains.

As you wish.

For me to rise to the throne,

I must k*ll the princess.

This I will achieve
at the sultan's banquet

by substituting poison
for the nightly sleeping potion

you've been giving her. Swish.

The NBA finals really
are seen in 83 countries.

Then you'll tell
the sultan

that we plotted
to k*ll the princess,

so the sultan
will k*ll us.

Exactly.

Fortunately, the banquet
isn't for hours,

leaving us time
for some entertaining t*rture.

And here we are.

Behold...

[evil laughter]

the tent of terror!

Enter if ye dare.

Try to keep this closed.

We have a problem with gnats.

[screaming]

You like?

The wall mirrors
really do seem to add space.

Harem-scarem, Corny,

they're going to dip one
of us into that fire.

Well, I've already
been kicking around

some ideas for
your eulogy,

so why don't you just
step up there, and...

[yells]

Ow!

Higher and deeper
with the baby powder, son. I...

Hey, why am I smelling


Egad! Death, rotisserie-style!

[speaking gibberish]

[both gasping]

Ah!!

[coughing and panting]

What took you so long?

No, Ajax, come on.

Why did I put in
that water slide?

After them!

[all yelling]

[whooping]

[screaming]

We've got to get
to the banquet

and stop that toast.

But I like toast.

It's the muffins
that must be stopped.

Okay, son, now you're starting
to scare the viewers.

Look!
An approaching camel.

We got to somehow
swing ourselves onto it

as it races by.

CORNFED:
All right.

Way to go.

I will make
this toast quick.

I understand the nomads
are in a hurry to relocate.

[forced laughter]

Yes, well...

[clearing throat]

Let us drink
to the most brilliant flower

of all the Nile,

my daughter, Fallopia.

[yelling]

A thousand pardons,
Your Heinous Highness.

We are but bumbling waiters
only wishing to serve thee.

Wine can make
an excellent burn salve.

It is hint
from Heloise.

Switch the glasses now.

What manner of
chicanery is this?

Take them away!

Patty-cake, patty-cake,
baker's man,

bake me a cake
as fast as you...

[grunting]

My sincerest apologies,
Your Majesty.

Please continue.

To Fallopia.

One moment, please.

Um, it is written
that no one may drink

until the shimmy of


Is this not true,
Cornferezzade?

Yes. I mean...

[clearing throat]

Yes.

Why, you sultry
little sultan of swing.

I'd smoke your hookah
anytime.

Never before have I seen

two damsels so dainty,
so delicate.

They are the essence
of femininity itself.

Too bad I'm gay. Begone.

I told you it was
step-pivot-step.

[both grunting and arguing]

Wait one moment.

I know of these two.

[teeth chattering]

It is the bumbling waiters...
in drag!

Have you any more foolish ways
of delaying this toast?

Just a couple.

Jennifer Flowers... and a yak.

Haw-haw! Jennifer Flow...

Enough! You two are awful!

Thank Allah, comedy
teams are dead.

Everyone, hurry
up and drink

before these buffoons
stop us again.

BOTH:
Good thing I was finally able
to switch goblets.

[both yelling]

[slurping]

[gagging]

[choking]

Your daughter is,
dare I say, spectacularly dead.

Dead? If my Fallopia is dead,

then I can no longer
go on living.

That was kind of,
like, the game plan.

Y-you mean...?

Yes! I am responsible
for her death.

With both of you
out of the way,

I will become the
next ruler of Dendron

and I tell this to you now,
knowing that nothing

could possibly, possibly,
possibly go wrong.

[moaning]

[gasping]

[burping]

The princess
will be in great agony

after taking a spill like that.

Uh-oh. I suddenly remember

that I, Ajax, switched places
with the princess.

Ow.

She lives.

Guards, seize this fakir!

One thing confuses me.

Why did you bother
kidnapping Ajax?

Why? I'll tell you why.

[loud chewing]

And that's why I did it!

[demented laughter]

Good work, Ajax.

Switching places
with the princess

and pretending
to drink the poison...

Pretending to drink?

[laughing]
[laughing]

Don't worry, son.

If you can hold on
through the finale,

I'm sure there's
an antidote booth

in the bazaar.

Duckman, now we
can get married.

Forget it, honey.

Sing, and we're out.

[no audio]

♪ We're off on the road
to Dendron, buddy ♪

♪ And that's also
the name of this song ♪

♪ We don't know
what we'll find ♪

♪ In Dendron, buddy ♪

♪ But we know it's gotta be ♪

♪ 23 minutes
and 19 seconds lo... ♪

Swish!